First broadcast 3rd March 1992.
While Dermot is trying to get Dorothy back together with Gary, Gary is trying to impress Deborah with a new burglar alarm.
Harry Enfield ... Dermot
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Dave Atkins ... Les the Bartender
Cristina Avery ... Joy
While Dermot is trying to get Dorothy back together with Gary, Gary is trying to impress Deborah with a new burglar alarm.
Harry Enfield ... Dermot
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Dave Atkins ... Les the Bartender
Cristina Avery ... Joy
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30I
00:32I
00:34I
00:57See the graffiti in the gents has hit new heights of literacy. Oh, yeah, what's the latest?
01:02West Ham is a poof. I
01:05Don't know why we come in here. I should be in a wine bar. It's local. So's a sperm bank
01:15His girlfriend won't talk to him. I'll tell everybody why don't you let's put it on teletext
01:20Yeah, let's go. His girlfriend won't talk to him. She's seeing another bloke and she's seen another bloke
01:25Shut up
01:27You tried bringing her. Yeah, her mother's screening. Of course. I can't pretend to be a friend Julie, but I couldn't in a burly accent
01:37Casualty talk to her there. Yes solid. Go on get see some terrific injuries
01:44I've decided to switch my attention to Deborah. Oh
01:48I've already told you I'm in love with Deborah. You're always saying you're in love with people. You said it to Liz once
01:56Yeah
01:58Yeah, well, I've been drinking
02:01Sexual problem is it you know go dear God. No, we just had a slight misunderstanding. All right, I
02:07Got this book if you want you can have a leg. It's not a sexual problem. Thank you very much
02:12There's just a slight misunderstanding. That's all. Thank you
02:15Could we pay to get some of his glands removed?
02:18As long as he doesn't put them in a jar by the till like when he had his gallbladder out
02:22I
02:25Nearly ordered that with a plowman
02:30Listen you don't want to give up on Dorothy. Why not? We're always arguing
02:35Well, you like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, aren't you? I mean not as attractive. Thank you
02:41or interesting
02:43No, it's over between us if she can throw herself at a knee surgeon. So can I there's women everywhere just waiting for me
02:52Here obviously, yeah, you're very well wrote about West Ham in a car
03:03Anyway, you know good at chatting up women. What do you mean?
03:06Well, I remember at university you're still trying to impress them by showing them your pencil case
03:11It was a great pencil case. You used to swan up to them at parties and say evening gorgeous
03:19So how many O levels did you get?
03:23Oh
03:24Anyway, you can't go after Deborah. She's my woman your woman. You only went out with her once and she called you a sad little
03:31man
03:32Yeah
03:33Well, we're gonna build on that
03:37See Deborah be just right for me living upstairs. It's like you want a housekeeper not a girlfriend
03:42I just want someone who's gonna look at me every now and again and say Gary. You're a great guy
03:48Right. So you want a housekeeper who's a congenital idiot?
03:52man
03:54What do you want Jim Reeves or the 1970 England World Cup squad?
03:59anything
04:11There's someone been sick in the jukebox again probably
04:16It's got a nice ring to it hasn't it what Jim Reeves the vomit megamix
04:25Gary and Deborah or Deborah and Gary listen
04:28I hardly think a girl of Deborah's sophistication is gonna go after the grandmaster of sleaze and his sensational pencil case
04:35I've improved my technique since then Dermot as Deborah will find out
04:46George
04:53Which one do you think's most likely to impress a young lady? It's always difficult to say with burglar alarms
05:03Maybe you ought to buy us something more feminine
05:06What an ironing board something like that
05:09Don't you think you ought to try to get together with Dorothy instead of chasing after other women with ironing boards? No
05:16the marvelous girl Dorothy
05:19Lovely sturdy neck to be honest George if you eat nothing, but bananas for two years you start to want grapefruit
05:28Anyway, she's chosen to steer clear of me. So that's that isn't it? I remember the day after you first met her you kept smiling
05:36We all thought you'd done something to your mouth
05:41Let's see, which one's got the best tones going model number one
05:46I
06:00Know there aren't here. What can we do for you? Oh
06:04Just thought I heard something. Yeah, it's all right. I don't do it. Stop now. I feel a bit shaky
06:08Yeah, well, perhaps you better have a lie down. I think I might next Thursday seems like a good time
06:17Marjorie says that the best defense against burglars is to shame them by putting out a plate of fancy biscuits
06:26Of course you have to know in advance when they're coming
06:33Right item 13 on the agenda, it's just after 12 Japanese style nibble Deborah. No, thanks
06:40I still have some here
06:43Deborah and I'll probably be going out for a meal later. Anyway, damn it. No. All right change of plan
06:51How long's this residence meeting going on for anyway, you don't have to stay if you don't want to damn it
06:56Deborah and I've got important matters to discuss as property owners. I own property
07:01I'm not talking about a scale electric set and some pants. Don't worry about mortgage commitments. You're just a lodger. You don't even exist legally
07:09No, maybe we could skip this item here about what to do in the event of a terrorist siege
07:17If it happens we'll just improvise shall we good good good. So security Oh God
07:26Deborah do you know the single most common cause of burglaries burglars?
07:32Yes, but try and think more conceptually
07:35Original sin good good good now a little less conceptually opportunity
07:41You had to call it out. Didn't you had to spoil it?
07:44Trying to hurry things along a bit
07:47You see Deborah your average burglar just can't resist an unguarded target. Oh
07:54Yes. Yes, it is sad. No, it's not that you're leaving. I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving
07:59Yes, it is sad. No, it's not that you're leaning on my hair
08:04What about the burglar alarm on the front of the house it's an empty box somebody stole the real one
08:12Yes, well, I'm glad you bought that up Deborah because I bought us a little something
08:18For our house. Do you like to do the honors?
08:25How thoughtful
08:27If you can't help out your special friends, what can you do?
08:54So what's wrong with you
08:58Oh
09:03Dorothy
09:06What are you doing here, um, it's about Gary Gary, you know tall fair-haired. Yes. Thank you. I remember
09:14Look, if you want to talk to me gonna have to give me a hand with short-staffed as usual
09:18Well, I haven't really done much medical work before
09:22Don't worry. I'm not gonna ask you to perform open-heart surgery
09:25Okay, the thing is why didn't Gary come in person he's a bit under the weather lightning hopefully
09:36Dermot help. Will you sure what we doing?
09:46It's Gary's fault
09:48He shouldn't take me for granted. I mean lots of very attractive men here. Yeah, sure, but they're all you know
09:55bleeding and
09:57I've had a psychiatrist practically begging me to meet his mother. Then there's Graham. We're planning a weekend away together
10:04on a barge
10:06Sounds like a bundle of laughs. He's very considerate actually. Oh, I see. He's boring. Is he?
10:15Not always he's hardly Gary though, is he he doesn't buy all his clothes at Millet's if that's what you mean
10:22I'm worried. Gary'll make a fool of himself over an unsuitable woman. He already has it was me
10:34Dermot we're making a bed not applying gold leaf
10:40It's in a bit of a bad way really you send me a photograph
10:44Pining for you. I heard him shouting out things about you in his sleep. Don't be stupid
10:51What sort of things love it's very sexual
10:54Doesn't surprise me
10:56So you get in touch with him then?
10:59I'll think about it
11:03Sexual things you say yeah. Yeah. I started to write them down, but you know scared someone find the piece of paper
11:14Well, no, I'm sorry you can't use this bed we just made it
11:21It's not as easy as it looks this, you know
11:25Why don't we just glue it on how many gimlet would you
11:34Want to put labels on them
11:40Do you one of these long things with a sharp end
11:42I
11:46Should have got a professional in I'm not afraid of manual labor. I'm still those dimmer switches, didn't I?
11:55Just have to unplug the cooker
11:59Bumped into Dorothy yesterday. Oh
12:03Yeah
12:06Said she was missing it. Mm-hmm
12:09Seem quite upset
12:12Fantastic, I mean that in a loving way
12:17Yeah, right
12:19Where did you bump into her
12:22In the bus
12:25What's wrong with that bike
12:28Seven the front bus get really wicked
12:33Good of a coincidence. No you two bumping into each other like that
12:38What?
12:39You reckon she's following me
12:43No, I reckon you're making it up to get us back together again
12:47Leaving the way clear for you to pounce on Deborah
12:51You know, you want to get back with Dorothy?
12:54It's up to her. Anyway, when was the last time she showed me any affection?
12:58Friday before last noise coming out of your bedroom sounded like you were castrating a pig in there
13:04It was a rhetorical question, let's hold the ladder. Yeah
13:23Dermot Dermot
13:34It's
13:41For you if it's Dorothy tell I'm in the bath with a girl from the video shop. It is Dorothy. Oh
13:49Did you hear me say what I just said no, but she's just heard you say that
13:55I'll call her back. Can you call you back? She says no. She's just about to have a tall sphincter on her hands
14:04Disgusting
14:06Ask her how she is. How are you?
14:09She says she's fine
14:11Ask if she's got a bike back on the road yet. She says she has
14:17Pass me the phone
14:28I can't put my finger on it down it but something's not quite right here
14:34Hang on
14:52Hello Dorothy, yes. Yes. Well, it's a bit awkward now
14:59Oh
15:02Why don't you come around tonight
15:05anytime
15:06Yes
15:08All right
15:10Hi
15:18And drop some of your tools
15:29What do you think great, eh, what does that yellow flashing light mean
15:38Police patrol car alerted. Oh
15:42That's the other model
15:43That's the last thing we need police bursting in expecting cups of tea yellow light yellow light
15:49I'll get back to you on that one Deborah. I suppose it's very important
15:53Know that blue one. That's just come on
15:55Right, excuse me Deborah, I'm gonna call on you to open the door. Now. Do you think you can manage that I think so
16:02If you talk me through it. Oh
16:05Right, so you're breaking into our flat make sure you steal Gary's cravats
16:10You've already managed to break through the three locks on the front door and now you're forcing your way in so
16:15You've already managed to break through the three locks on the front door and now you're forcing your way in so
16:29It's a quiet one, isn't it?
16:32So I go in don't sell got a faulty machine it's just warming up
16:39No
16:41No need to shout it Deborah, that's all right. I probably just didn't open the door correctly
16:54So I go and unplug the cooker I
16:57Know what?
16:58Dermot you open the front door
17:02Right, so I'm breaking out now, am I?
17:08Yeah, I think we get the picture
17:11Ah
17:14Great
17:32Let me smash it with a hammer Gary I'd enjoy that I
17:36Think I know
17:39Yeah, the alarms been stuck on for three hours
17:42It's got these mechanisms to stop me from shutting it off. I thought you're supposed to know about alarms
17:47I'm a sales manager Dermot not a technician
17:50It's like in that film 2001, isn't it? The machines got a bigger brain than the man who installed it
17:56Oh, I'm sorry. Forgive me for making the effort. I suppose just the kind of person I am
18:08Gary if you found a way to turn it off yet
18:19Careful there's wires maybe still live
18:24Gary Gary good. I think he's unconscious
18:29I saw it in a film you get them out of their coma by seeing them their favorite song
18:50Walk this way
18:54Money share mine
18:57You know on your side of the bed
19:00Nor funny
19:02You never have a guide dog when you need one do you Oh
19:07Debra you must think I'm a complete fool. Yes
19:12Burning down. Oh, don't you have a torch? Yes Dermot use the batteries in his novelty cocktail shaker
19:22Now
19:23Don't you worry you're pretty ah, I'll just go and phone the electrician, excuse me
19:33Let's have a bottle of wine to celebrate a celebrate what I usually think of something after a couple of glasses
19:43So, uh, how's your boyfriend in Singapore then fine, thank you
19:49Yeah
19:51See work with dangerous machinery at all
19:55He says he'll come round when he's finished watching the snooker when does it finish a week on Sunday?
20:02Dermot can you go and get the spare candles out of the shed get him yourself? Oh
20:08Go on damn it. Don't be mean excellent idea
20:11Hmm
20:18Sir
20:20How's your boyfriend in Singapore?
20:23Why is everyone so interested in my boyfriend? Oh, you must get lonely out there on your own
20:29sometimes
20:31Mike won't be working over there long. What is it? He does. He's an engineer. Ah
20:36Oh, does he work with no, he doesn't
20:48So about you and Dorothy last time I saw you both he was shouting each other
20:52Yeah, yeah, we've more or less split up actually
20:56That's a shame
20:58Well, I suppose
21:00We were like a camel that had to go out
21:06I got that from a book actually. Yes, I thought so
21:22You know you you've got just the right bone structure for your face
21:29The very important bones yes, they stopped my face from caving in
21:34Yes, I
21:38Can't remember the last time I was intimate with a woman when you intimate with Dorothy
21:44in a mechanical sort of way
21:47She tried to excite me rather pathetically
21:51As I said to her you just can't light a fire without a spark
21:56now you've moved in upstairs and
21:58And
22:00You've bought the candles and the matches with you, which is brilliant because they're just great in a power cut
22:06No, I I know you want to talk Deborah, but there's things I really must be doing. Oh
22:11Dorothy
22:14Just talking about you
22:29Oh, would you excuse me, I'll just go and put these in some water
22:39Couldn't find me spare candles, but I came across this old shawty waddy album great
22:46So that's then paired off now, it's just you me and the candlelight
22:52Two out of three damn it, you're right it's candles
23:22You
23:52You