First broadcast 25th May 1995.
Gary has a dream in which he and Dorothy are at the altar, both pregnant.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Tim Berrington ... Vicar
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Ian Lindsay ... George
Dave Atkins ... Les
Gary has a dream in which he and Dorothy are at the altar, both pregnant.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Tim Berrington ... Vicar
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Ian Lindsay ... George
Dave Atkins ... Les
Category
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TVTranscript
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01:00We pray with them that, strengthened and guided by God,
01:05they may fulfill his purpose for the whole of their earthly life together.
01:10I am required to ask anyone present who knows a reason why these persons
01:15may not lawfully marry to declare it now.
01:19Vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of God,
01:23who is judge of all.
01:29Do you, Garfield, Benjy, Digweed,
01:33take Dorothy Bianca to be your lawful wedded wife?
01:39I do.
01:43Do you have the ring?
01:45Yes, Your Grace.
01:48Beep! Beep!
02:02You may kiss.
02:08LAUGHTER
02:18LAUGHTER
02:38LAUGHTER
02:54LAUGHTER
03:08LAUGHTER
03:24Oh, God!
03:30Oh, God, I've just had a nightmare.
03:32What about? I don't want to talk about it.
03:35Was it one of your usual ones? Yes.
03:37Was it the one where I've nailed you to a tree and I'm whipping you with wet towels?
03:41No.
03:42The one where the Pope's stolen your bus pass?
03:44I don't want to talk about it.
03:46You're sharing a houseboat with Noel Edmonds?
03:48No.
03:50If you must know, we were getting married and you were pregnant.
03:54Oh.
03:56But is me being pregnant such a nightmare?
03:59Oh, yes, I'm sorry, it's one of the taboo subjects.
04:01We can spend two days arguing about the name of the fifth Osmond,
04:04but we can't talk about whether or not we should bring a life into the world.
04:08Brian. Brian Osmond. Trust me.
04:11Oh, Gary!
04:13Come on, we should talk about this.
04:16I mean, obviously I'd rather not have sex with you at all,
04:19let alone bear your children.
04:21But these are the pitiful, dog-eared cards that fate has dealt me.
04:24What's your hurry?
04:26You've got another good ten years in you.
04:31Oh, thanks.
04:33I've always wanted to be described like a slightly rusty Volvo estate.
04:36Fine, we've had our fair share.
04:42I suppose the big question is,
04:44do I really want to have children
04:46with a man who still has a Fungus the Bogeyman pillowcase?
04:50LAUGHTER
05:03Debs. Hi, Tony.
05:05Hi. How are you?
05:07Well, I haven't had a woman for over three months
05:09because I can't get you out of my head,
05:11so I've been on this sort of spiral of depression,
05:14alleviated only temporarily by these great long binges of self-abuse.
05:18Can I ask you a favour? Anything.
05:20I need to have my boiler serviced today, but I've got to go to work.
05:23Oh, well, I'll have a go, but I can't guarantee it won't explode.
05:26No, no, no. I just wanted to leave you my keys so you can let the man in.
05:30You want to leave me the keys to your flat?
05:34You won't have to go up there, only to let him in.
05:37Of course, yeah.
05:39Can I ask you a favour in return?
05:41Sure, what?
05:43Will you sleep with me?
05:46You don't think that's a bit of an uneven bargain?
05:49OK. Will you sleep with me and lend me 100 quid?
05:56You know test tube babies?
05:58I've always wondered, do they keep putting the baby
06:01in a bigger and a bigger test tube as it grows?
06:04Or do they, like, put it in one really big one to start with?
06:10You aren't kidding, Gary? Yes, of course.
06:16Isn't it funny how women's ability to reproduce sort of peters out
06:20rather pathetically in their 40s,
06:22whereas blokes can keep on going right into their 70s?
06:26Not if their girlfriend has battered their genitals to a pulp
06:29with their radio alarm clock.
06:33Do you know a single yoghurt pot of my semen
06:36is enough to repopulate the whole of Ireland?
06:40Haven't they had a tragic enough history
06:42of you turning up at the border with your yoghurt pot?
06:45What's the matter with you?
06:47It's serious, Gary.
06:49If I can't decide to have children with you,
06:51I have to find myself another man.
06:55Oh, God.
06:57I suppose we'd have to live together.
06:59We'd have to if we had a baby.
07:01Couldn't you just pop round with it occasionally?
07:04What's so great about children, anyway?
07:07I just want them.
07:09It's like you and lager.
07:13Couldn't you get a dog? They're nice.
07:16Or you could sponsor a panda.
07:22Bye-bye.
07:24They wet themselves, you know.
07:29Panda, my arse!
07:36Bye, Dorothy, mate.
07:38What's the matter with Dorothy?
07:40She wants a baby.
07:43Hey, guess what?
07:45Debs has left me the keys to her flat.
07:47I've got to let the gas man in.
07:49That's nice, isn't it? She trusts you.
07:51A bit of a show of confidence, isn't it?
07:53Was it going to be first a photo album or the pants drawer?
08:00Neither.
08:04I suppose a little luck wouldn't really matter, should it?
08:07Give them keys to me!
08:15Hey, did you ever have one of those fantasies
08:17where everybody's been killed in a neutron bomb but you've survived
08:21and you can roam around people's houses freely?
08:24First I'd drive to Centre Park,
08:26have a go on their big slidey thing by myself all day.
08:29Then I'd go round to Princess Di's house, try on one of her little leotards.
08:32Tony, Tony, Tony, too weird, mate.
08:34Sorry, mate.
08:38Hey!
08:40Debs has got a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover.
08:45And it falls open on the dirty bits,
08:48even though she's a girl.
08:50Tony, that's your copy. You made her borrow it.
08:53Yeah.
08:55And what I get when I miss I.D.
08:58And what that gets when I miss I.D.
09:01It's as, as, on.
09:04And what I get when I miss I.D.
09:07It's as, as, on't.
09:10That one goo.
09:13Let me dust thee.
09:18Hey, brilliant!
09:21Hey, is this what I think it is?
09:24No.
09:28No, mate.
09:30That's for making your hair all bendy.
09:33Well, what about that?
09:36That's for making it all sort of corrugated.
09:39Drying it on the move.
09:42Drying it at home.
09:44Removing it.
09:47Honestly, and they wonder why they don't get positions of power in British industry.
09:50They're too busy buggering about with their hair.
09:53Hey, hey, hey!
09:58Tony, mate.
10:00Do you reckon I should impregnate Dorothy or what?
10:03Oh, I don't know.
10:05Kids, eh?
10:07The thing I don't like about babies is they're all small.
10:10You know, they're like their new five Ps of Biddley.
10:13They are this, like, celebration of this explosive power we have in our loins.
10:18That's true.
10:20It's a little act that can be over in a matter of minutes.
10:23Seconds.
10:25It can create this complete little chap.
10:28Well, yeah, they're fiddly, though.
10:30Fiddly, yeah.
10:32Oh, God.
10:34Oh, you can't beat that red-string micro-bikini, can you?
10:38Just think.
10:40You might have a kid that turns out like Deborah.
10:43I can't think about that. That's too complicated.
10:46She's only left these photos lying around to get me going, anyway.
10:49I mean, she behaves like I'm some sort of toolhead on the outside,
10:53but on the inside, she's quivering with suppressed desire.
10:58HE GIGGLES
11:00Like that.
11:10George, were you there when your son was born?
11:15No, it was a Saturday.
11:18Not there at your desk, George. There at Marjorie's bedside.
11:22No, men didn't attend the birth in those days.
11:25Why?
11:27I think because the baby comes out of a ladies' rude area.
11:33We were expected to go home and relax by sort of pacing.
11:37Marjorie was in labour for 36 hours,
11:40so I managed to pace to Hastings.
11:44So, overall, George, are you happy about the way your son turned out?
11:48Oh, yes.
11:50Sometimes we wish he'd stop stealing our furniture and selling it.
11:55But generally, we've had nothing but joy from Biff.
11:58Why do you call him Biff?
12:00He was supposed to be Bill, but the lady at the town hall
12:03dropped her lunchbox on the F when she was typing out the birth certificate.
12:07If it had been a couple of inches over, it could have been Bip.
12:10No, that would have been silly.
12:13It's not really me, though, is it, kids, eh?
12:15I mean, I'm more your single, sexy kind of bachelor guy, aren't I?
12:19Doesn't it worry you that you could die tomorrow
12:21without leaving anything of lasting value?
12:23George, I think you're underestimating the impact of my humorous speech
12:27to this year's security fencing manufacturer's gala.
12:30The only disadvantage I can remember
12:33is that Marjorie forbade sexual intercourse for two years after the birth.
12:38Right, that's it. We're not having children.
12:43Ah, Anthea, remind me, what's so great about being single and child-free?
12:48Er, well, you can keep everything neat and tidy and smart around the home.
12:54Exactly. Yes.
12:56And although people don't often visit,
12:58well, that gives you lots of time to sit and read your gardening magazines.
13:02Or you can nod off with Melody Radio on.
13:05And then, although you might sometimes have a bit of a cry,
13:09that usually makes you feel much better.
13:11And then you can go mad and have sardines on toast to really cheer yourself up.
14:11Darkery.
14:25Bought the Bay City Roller's new single.
14:28I feel all funny when I think of Woody.
14:31Lisa came over and we played it 37 times.
14:35She's horrible. I hate her. She's horrible.
14:42I went to see The Terminator with Mike.
14:45I wanted to see the colour purple.
14:47He made us sit in the cheap seats.
14:50Afterwards, feeling romantic, we went back to his place and made...
14:58...pasta.
15:02Tony behaved like a complete arsehole today.
15:06Tony behaved like a complete arsehole today.
15:25I think we should do it.
15:27Oh, I don't know. What's made you change your mind?
15:30I don't know. We're OK together, aren't we?
15:33Other people do.
15:35I'd have someone to do me shopping when I'm old.
15:37Oh, you dear, sweet, romantic man.
15:40Well, let's face it, one of these fine old days, I'm going to die.
15:44Hopefully.
15:47I've got so much to pass on.
15:49That'll be your collection of mugs in the shape of different parts of the body, will it?
15:53More experiences, my knowledge.
15:56It certainly would be a catastrophe if all your knock-knock jokes died with you.
16:00I'm serious.
16:02Gary, you have the maturity of a boy of seven.
16:05Well, something to build on, isn't it?
16:08Having a child is a huge responsibility.
16:10You're the least responsible person I know.
16:13And I know Tony.
16:16I've never had to be before, have I?
16:18Doubly parenthood calms you down, doesn't it?
16:21Look at your father. I've seen the photographs.
16:24He had the biggest winkle-pickers in Finchley before he had you.
16:28Oh, I don't know. Sometimes I find it all a bit daunting.
16:32Your body's never the same after you've had a child.
16:35I'll be all right.
16:37Me. Me.
16:39Oh, you don't want to worry about that.
16:41I'll be there for you. A couple of hot towels.
16:44Well, that'll be handy if I give birth in a Chinese restaurant.
16:48Towels, boiling water, cigars.
16:51And what about when I get varicose veins, stretch marks, crying fits?
16:56Breasts like footballs.
16:58Now you're talking.
17:02They're too tender to touch.
17:04Oh.
17:05Things can go wrong.
17:07How would you feel if your perineum tore in half?
17:12Disappointed.
17:16Oh, they're great, though, aren't they?
17:18Running round in their little nappies.
17:22I suppose it'd be OK.
17:25You know, I've never really thought about having a child before.
17:29This morning, George showed me this picture of his little niece.
17:32She's so sweet.
17:35Gary, you big softie.
17:38She's only 19. She's got a fantastic arse.
17:44The point is, she meant nothing to me.
17:47I wasn't interested, cos I've changed.
17:50I want you to have our baby.
17:55SHE SIGHS
17:57I'll come round tonight.
17:59Maybe we should just...
18:01do it.
18:07I went down to Tony and Gary's
18:09to complain about them singing Happy Talk at the tops of their voices.
18:14Tony wearing his sexy denim shirt.
18:17I can't make up my mind if he's stupid and irritating or just misguided.
18:22I'm misguided!
18:26Tony is definitely stupid and irritating.
18:29Bollocks.
18:45HE GROANS
18:53HE GROANS
19:07Apparently, after the birth, you can cook the placenta and eat it.
19:13What do you have with it?
19:16Doesn't say.
19:18Probably have it in her back.
19:23Did you know that to aid fertilisation,
19:26the scrotum is one or two degrees lower than the rest of the body?
19:30That's probably a load of balls.
19:35Dorothy and I are going to make a baby.
19:37If we start within the hour, we could squeeze a small one in.
19:40Can you just do it quietly, please? What a bit of difficult day.
19:45I've been thinking of names.
19:47Do you like Bruce?
19:50What about Martin?
19:52Oh, come on, that's a bit crap, isn't it?
19:54What's the matter with you?
19:56Oh, well, you know when you've made your washing
19:59go a sort of a sludgy colour in the wash?
20:02Yeah.
20:03Well, that's sort of annoying, isn't it?
20:05Yeah.
20:06Well, if someone did that to you, would you be able to sort of...
20:09laugh it off?
20:11No.
20:13I'd better have a rethink.
20:18Ah.
20:19Tony, I've found another packet.
20:22What, mate?
20:23I've found another packet. This one's pre-Dorothy.
20:26I used to take it to parties just in case I got lucky.
20:29Six years' worth of parties, if I'm honest.
20:31Oh, well, it looks like you're going to have a good time.
20:34Yeah.
20:35Six years' worth of parties, if I'm honest.
20:38Oh, well, it looks like you've used a couple.
20:40Yeah, we ran out of cling film at me dad's retirement day.
20:44Oh, hey.
20:46Hey, what's that?
20:47I got that out of a machine on holiday in Morocco.
20:50It turned out to be bubblegum.
20:52Still, it seemed to do the trick.
20:55Oh, oh, oh.
20:57That's one of Dorothy's early caps.
20:59We had to stop using it, though.
21:01It kept shooting out across the room.
21:05Oh.
21:22Oh, hi.
21:23Hi.
21:24Did the engineer come?
21:25Yes.
21:26Did he service it OK?
21:27Not unless he managed to do it through the letterbox,
21:29because he called while I was down at the laundrette.
21:32Oh, Tony, couldn't you have done that another day?
21:34Not this particular bottle, no.
21:37I can't trust you to do anything, can I?
21:39No.
21:40Still, I've got my sexy denim shirt on, look.
21:50Oh, no!
21:51Anything wrong?
21:58Oh, there's sods, eh?
22:01Nothing seems to be missing.
22:03I think you'll find there is.
22:05Oh, no, they've taken my camera.
22:08No, they haven't.
22:10They haven't?
22:12Oh, Tony, what did you do?
22:14Come up and leave the door open or something?
22:17Debs, I think you're underestimating me.
22:20Slightly.
22:23So, we're looking for someone who breaks into people's houses,
22:28steals their duvet and their underwear.
22:32Looks like it.
22:34Well, I don't think there's very much more I can be doing here now.
22:37I might as well just leave you to...
22:39Tony, have you been reading these?
22:42No!
22:43I don't read other people's diaries.
22:46How do you know they're diaries?
22:50You're hardly likely to keep old copies of Exchange and Mart
22:54in your undies drawer, are you?
22:56Not unless you want to water up a lawnmower
22:58whilst you're choosing your diaries.
23:02You're behind this, aren't you, Tony?
23:07Yes.
23:08And what are you going to do about it?
23:10Apologise a lot. And?
23:11Give you lots of money to make up for any financial loss.
23:14And?
23:19Put my hand in the drawer.
23:32Argh!
23:47Oh, hello.
23:48Do you like me bunny?
23:52Pretty.
23:53Yeah, well, when I buy my kid a cuddly toy,
23:55I buy my kid a cuddly toy, you know what I mean?
23:58They did have a four-foot hamster,
24:00but frankly, that scared the shit out of me.
24:04Gary, don't you think all this is a little...
24:07premature?
24:08Oh, look, I know we won't get there straight away,
24:11but the way I see conception is it's like a coconut shire.
24:14If you chuck enough balls at enough coconuts, you win a fish.
24:20Watch this.
24:21Gary, um, I think you should... Gary, get...
24:24Oh.
24:26Gary, um...
24:29I don't want to have children with you.
24:33I just set fire to all our favourite contraceptives.
24:37But why? What's wrong with me?
24:39Nothing, nothing, it's just...
24:41No, come on, I can take it.
24:43OK.
24:45Well, you know I had my doubts,
24:47but I think what really clinched it
24:50was examining the contents of your briefcase.
24:54I thought I'd lost that.
24:56Your fatal mistake is giving me a...
24:59a glimpse into your private world.
25:01How do you mean?
25:04Fizzy fish, Gary.
25:07You're 34.
25:17A scrapbook of Michaela Strachan.
25:21Very professional.
25:24An entry form for a wet T-shirt competition,
25:27filled out on my behalf.
25:29Obviously, you don't have to enter that
25:31if you think it's in any way slightly tacky.
25:33Oh, you're so kind.
25:35But I think what worried me most was this.
25:46Do you, er...
25:48Do you see my problem?
25:50I think you're just feeling a little bit negative.
25:54Are you ovulating?
25:59I'm sorry, Gary.
26:01I'm sorry.
26:20Have you ever thought of donating sperm?
26:22Yeah. I went to one of them sperm banks once.
26:25Did you?
26:26This bird in a white coat showed me through to this room
26:28how to use, you know.
26:30Strange, really, cos they had quite a few copies
26:32of Caravanning Monthly.
26:35But there was a couple of copies of Cosmopolitan.
26:38Yeah.
26:39So I started, you know...
26:41Choke your chicken.
26:43Yank your plank.
26:45Oil up your baseball bat.
26:46Slap your granny.
26:47Yeah, yeah.
26:49Turned out to be a dentist waiting room.
26:52Mother of...
26:56Sperm bank was next door.
27:03Did that really happen?
27:04No.
27:10So who would you like to have children with, ideally?
27:14Kylie.
27:15Kylie?
27:16Kylie.
27:17Why?
27:18Well, if the little chap's having a hard time getting to sleep,
27:21who better to sing away in a manger than Kylie?
27:25With her infallible ear for rhythm and a distinctive Aussie brogue.
27:30And, you know, despite being petite,
27:33I get the impression she's strong as an ox.
27:43Hey, what's this?
27:45It's the womb.
27:46Oh, yeah, they're good, they are.
27:50It's the womb.
27:52Where the babies come from.
27:54You put it on and it comforts the baby.
27:57Reminds them of safety.
28:02What did Deborah say about me in her diary?
28:05She says you're a bit of a pompous twat.
28:10How's your hand?
28:13My fingers are turning blue.
28:17Still.
28:19It's all part of growing up, isn't it?
28:46It's all part of growing up.