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Short filmTranscript
00:00In Britain, if an old person reaches 100, they'd receive a telegram from the Queen.
00:06If they reach 200, Her Majesty comes round to their house and personally gives them a
00:10bikini wax.
00:11Hello, Mrs. Anne-Marie.
00:12Ah, hello, dear.
00:13Oh, has he grown?
00:14Yeah.
00:15He's 18 months now.
00:16Oh, he's lovely.
00:17You still working down the cath?
00:18No, I had to give that up.
00:19But I'll be able to go back if I can get him into a nurse's office.
00:25Oh, is there a good one near here?
00:32Um, I think so.
00:37My friend Joan, her youngest granddaughter, goes to a very good one up by the bar.
00:44Do you know that one?
00:45I think there's a long waiting list.
00:46Is he on the waiting list?
00:47No, he's not.
00:48Right, well, nice to see you again, Mr. Anne-Marie.
00:49Oh, hang on a sec.
00:50Would you like a jelly baby?
00:51I don't really like them having treats.
00:52Oh, go on.
00:53One won't hurt.
00:54Eh?
00:55All right.
00:56There you go.
00:57What do you say?
00:58Oh, he's gone all shy.
00:59I'll see you later, dear.
01:00Oh, mind that.
01:01Must be a leak here or something.
01:02Ta-da!
01:03Transvestism was invented in 1986 by a group of young people who wanted to make a living
01:04off the streets of London.
01:05The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:06The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:07The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:08The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:09The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:10The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:11The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:12The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:13The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:14The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:15The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:16The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:17The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:18The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:19The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:20The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:21The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:22The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:23The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:24The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:26The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:27The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:28The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:29The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:30The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:31The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:32The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:33The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:34The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:35The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:36The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:37The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:38The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:39The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:41The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:42The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:43The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:44The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:45The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:46The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:47The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:48The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:49The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:50The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:51The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:52The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:53The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:54The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:55The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:56The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:57The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:58The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
01:59The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:00The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:01The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:02The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:03The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:04The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:05The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:06The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:07The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:08The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:10The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:11The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:12The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:13The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:14The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:15The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:16The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:17The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:18The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:19The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:20The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:21The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:22The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:23The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:25The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:26The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:27The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:28The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:29The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:30The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:31The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:32The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:33The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:34The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:35The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:36The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:37The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:38The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:39The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:40The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:41The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:42The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:43The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:44The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:45The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:46The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:47The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:48The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:49The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:50The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:51The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:52The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
02:53The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:15The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:16The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:17The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:18The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:19The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:20The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:21The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:22The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:23The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:24The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:25The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:26The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:27The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:28The idea was to make a living off the streets of London.
03:30Oh, hello, Mr. Dudley.
03:31Oh, hello, Mr. Dudley.
03:32I brought you some flowers.
03:33Oh, you're so thoughtful.
03:34Oh, you're so thoughtful.
03:35Were you talking to somebody?
03:36Were you talking to somebody?
03:37No, Mr. Dudley.
03:38No, Mr. Dudley.
03:39No, Mr. Dudley.
03:40No, Mr. Dudley.
03:41No, Mr. Dudley.
03:42No, Mr. Dudley.
03:43No, Mr. Dudley.
03:44No, Mr. Dudley.
03:45No, Mr. Dudley.
03:46No, Mr. Dudley.
03:47No, Mr. Dudley.
03:48No, Mr. Dudley.
03:49No, Mr. Dudley.
03:50No, Mr. Dudley.
03:51No, Mr. Dudley.
03:52No, Mr. Dudley.
03:53No, Mr. Dudley.
03:54Sorry about that.
03:55Sorry about that.
03:56Thank you.
03:57Yes, Mr. Dudley.
03:58Thank you.
03:59Oh, thank you, Mr. Dudley.
04:08Ting-tong.
04:09Yes, Mr. Dudley.
04:10There's an elderly Thai lady in the cupboard.
04:12Is there, Mr. Dudley?
04:13Yes, yes.
04:14There is.
04:15Oh, yeah, I was going to tell you, yeah, yeah, that's just my mother.
04:18She's come to stay for a little bit.
04:19Mother, this Mr. Dudley I was telling you about.
04:23She says she very look forward to come live with us
04:27Excuse us
04:28Ting-tong, we can't be having your mother living here. It's not gonna work. Well, don't be for a few year. Anyway, she'd be dead soon
04:34No
04:35I'm sorry, mrs. Macadam. Dang. You're gonna have to go
04:39Kundalini such an impact in each image after party night a car. I couldn't a party Nina
04:44I just I'm took young like I thought palang baan whom cow Tom so I'm Tom to be on teaching a car
04:50You heard what she said
05:08Maybe she could stay with us tonight at least got any sisters
05:14At
05:18Hillgrange health spa one-time body double for Joan Collins bubbles to beer is on her way to the sauna
05:25Don't forget to have a mashed potato foot massage at four darling
05:33Hello darling, I'm quite naked
05:38I
05:42Need to ask your question darling what is here? Why did you leave me darling? Why oh, you know
05:48I always found you very attractive
05:50But I preferred you before you lost all that way. I know I'm like a stick now
05:56See you ain't come along and well, I'm sorry bubbles, but there is so much of her to love but wrong
06:08Babies
06:10Not interrupting anything am I now he's talking about old times
06:19Are you looking forward to a synchronized foot massage later, so I hear it is very
06:37I
06:46Why do you take a photo
06:50It's a sad day at st. Chesney's hospital as this old man is nearing the end
06:56and I
06:59Don't want you to be sad for me
07:03I've had a wonderful life
07:06And I love you all
07:18Has he gone not just yet
07:28How's everybody else
07:31Mm-hmm lunch, all right
07:37This is
07:48Any minute now
07:50I
07:58Say how wonderful it is to have my family around me. That's a very very
08:17Just it was a little before
08:20I
08:24The first travel agents in Britain opened in 1976 prior to that people would stay at home and give themselves food poisoning
08:34And you've nothing at all going to Lord's
08:42Says it's all pilgrim doubt if you like religion I can do you a fly drive to Mecca
08:50Hey, no, I think I leave it. Thank you
08:59Hello, I've been sat down all day. Do you mind if I just stretch my leg?
09:16Right I
09:19Was watching this film last night captain Corelli's mandolin
09:24And I was really wanting to visit the island of Cephalonia where they filmed it
09:31Computers
09:33If you're a film fan I can take you where they film Midnight Express
09:40Thank you got some rooms in the towering inferno
09:44No, I
09:45Got a lovely cruise on the ship where they film the Poseidon adventure. I don't think so. No, it's not for everybody
09:52It's upside down. I
09:55Got a two-for-one deal on a canoeing trip where they film deliverance
10:00So do the locals are very friendly
10:03Look, I really only do want to go to Cephalonia. Oh wasn't some of Captain Corelli films in Center Park
10:10Very good deal there
10:13I'm just gonna leave it was none of it filmed on a club 1830 holiday to Tenerife leaving stances on the night
10:20Sorry
10:29Because of the fat people Britain is slowly sinking into the sea
10:33An overweight woman in Great Yarmouth recently had a whole packet of custard creams and half of Norfolk went under
10:40Right. Well, that's about all we've got time for today. Oh Marjorie. Yes
10:46Just to say me and poet some good news. I've just found out that I'm pregnant
10:52You sure have you just been scoffing well, she's three months gone now so we're allowed to tell people it but the scam picture
11:01Gonna keep it. Sorry, you're not gonna get rid of it. Of course not. Oh
11:05It's selfish of you
11:09You know that poor baby is gonna be born a cake addict it's gonna come out and straight away
11:13It's gonna have to go through a cold chicken
11:15Watch what I eat now that I'm having a baby. You sure it's just the one by the look of you
11:19You're gonna have a whole litter
11:22That already beautiful
11:25So a little baby, do you know what you're going to call it? Well, it's a heat and no we haven't decided on a name
11:31I know
11:33Why don't we all try think of names for the baby? Yeah, that'd be nice. What should we call it?
11:40John
11:45John
11:48John
12:00Michael oh, that's a nice one. It's my husband's name. Oh, yeah the one who left you because he got so fat
12:08Really seeing it being a Michael or a John
12:17Here in grumble Sid Pegg has called a meeting of neighbor watch
12:27Right
12:28Welcome to tonight's neighbor watch. Thank you all for coming a short notice, but I felt we had to have an emergency meeting
12:35What's happened?
12:37Yes, there is a problem our old friend the gypsy has moved into the close
12:44Where are they bleeding bloody out Lloyd they're only camping out on your front lawn
12:48No, no, that's our caravan. Me and Susan just bought it
12:53Stay where you are
12:55We still need to be on our guard against the gypsy threat. There are swarms of them
13:02Yes, why fiendish crispy pancakes go
13:07Gypsy
13:09Agy palata watch and learn
13:14Number one your classic
13:16Gypsy earring neckerchief whiskered and a look in his eye that says I'm gonna tarmac your drive
13:24number two
13:26Gypsy Joe Longthorn a sly fox uses many different voices
13:31but mainly Shirley Bassey
13:34number three
13:35The gypsy Kings the actual Kings of the gypsies
13:40Seen on Sunday Sunday with Gloria Hunterford in 1988, but beware they could be back in the charts at any moment
13:49Now we know the enemy Britain fights back wife
13:54Bachelor supernoodles go mini Kiev's on standby
13:58But what do we do if a gypsy or a herd of gypsies as I believe they are known?
14:04Turn up on your doorstep. Can I have a volunteer, please?
14:10Lloyd I saw your hand go up
14:13Thank You Lloyd
14:14Little Lloyd, I don't know if you know Lloyd was actually a contestant on the weakest link. Yes
14:20Right. Well a quick demo
14:24Menstruation right now Lloyd you are the gypsy the gyp my stir the gyp. Hola
14:30Sorry, I must just say I don't think it's very offensive to talk about gypsies in this way
14:34Good point mrs. Vicar. Let's not be racialist
14:37So you're the filthy gypsy and you're gonna ask me if I want to buy any clothes pics. Do I have to?
14:43You know Lloyd you've got very arrogant since you won BBC two. Sorry
14:48I'll be the gypsy then
14:50Hello, would you like to buy no gypsy? No, and it's as simple as that
14:55Britain fights back
14:57Thank You Lloyd
14:58You are the weaker link. Goodbye
15:04Goodbye
15:06Right now that's gypsies covered next
15:11Asylum seekers now, we will not touch your bum wife. Yeah, butterscotch angel delight go
15:23Here in the charming Welsh village of Clandaui Breddy bottom enthusiasts David Thomas is standing for election
15:34Oh
15:37No, Debbie good afternoon, mrs. Heal I was just wondering if I can count on your vote tomorrow
15:41Oh, are you standing in the by-election?
15:44It's not just a by-election mrs. Teal. It's for gays and straights, too
15:48Anyone can vote regardless of sexuality
15:50Honestly, it's like banging your head against a brick wall. So who are you standing for the gay rights for gays party?
15:56Oh, that's nice. Anyway, seeing as I am the only gay in the village. I shouldn't think anyone will be remotely interested
16:02Oh, no, lots of folk around here top anchor in Poole Bay
16:11If I am elected I promise to turn the park into a 24-hour gay cruising zone
16:16Yes, I should be knocking down the old folks home and building a gay sauna
16:20hot pots
16:22That's right. And I shall be erecting two statues on the village green there of Colin and Justin. Oh, I love their shows
16:28Oh, do you indeed? Well, let me tell you this mrs. Homophobe
16:31I was watching makeover madness only this morning and I have very strong suspicions that at least one of them is a gay
16:36Oh, no, I think they're both full-time bummers
16:40Well, anyway, thank you for your time. Mrs. Teal. Good luck. David. You can count on my support. Really? Oh, yes
16:46I'm all for gay rights. In fact, I myself drink from the fairy cup
16:57In her office
16:58University lecturer Linda Flint is meeting a student. I very nearly got into university, but security managed to stop me
17:07That's the problem is it yeah, and there aren't any copies of the female eunuch left in the library
17:12So I can't really write the essay. Oh, well
17:15I've got a copy here great, but that's mine. I don't want to lend it out
17:22Martin may have one in his office
17:29Martin it's Linda got a student here wants to know if he can borrow your copy of the female eunuch
17:34Steve
17:36You know Steve. He's got a beard quite tall
17:39Have you ever seen it ain't half hot mum?
17:44Looks like he's just stepped out of the shower
17:47Think Carmen Miranda without the fruit
17:50That's right. Ali Bongo
17:53He says go straight up my name's not Ali Bongo
17:58Sorry, Steve. Yes, Steve Bongo
18:04Newspapers and magazines are very popular in Britain. The first magazine ever published was in 1502 what hi-fi
18:16Do you work here? Yes, I do
18:22Well, can I be of assistance hello, I'd like to buy a magazine, please
18:28We've got lots here. Do you have bad feet monthly?
18:33Don't think so athletes foot times
18:35Sorry Veruca today. I don't think we do what bunion
18:41In growing toenail weekly. I've not heard of that one. You get a free binder with part one and a sachet of toner clippings
18:50Do you have any magazines devoted to problem feet
18:54I'm not sure
18:56Margaret Margaret
19:12Yes
19:18There's a gentleman here wants to know if we have any magazines devoted to problem fate not celebrity callous monthly
19:23I already have that one not celebrity callous monthly. He already has that one
19:32Right, let's have a look. Yeah, I can't see any margaret
19:47Thank you very much Margaret, yes, I found it it was tucked just behind out-of-date crisps periodical
19:54There you go
19:57Put an ankle pain bonanza
20:02Well myself, what do you reckon
20:05I'm not going to buy this magazine. I'm afraid
20:09Any particular reason I'm not interested in ankle pain, I'm only really concerned with foot pain. Oh, do you suffer from foot pain? No
20:17Any magazines here that interest you hello magazine now, we're talking
20:26No, it's just saying hello to that magazine over there I
20:32Hate you so much
20:38At number 10 Downing Street a group of trade union leaders are presenting a petition calling for the Prime Minister's resignation
20:48Oh
20:52Morning Prime Minister
20:53Sebastian did you have a nice holiday? Very nice. Thank you. I've got the draft budget from the chancellor here
21:06What's the matter
21:09Oh
21:13Mustache I grew it on holiday. I don't like it
21:16Sarah loves it. I don't
21:19Why not?
21:20It tickles when you kiss
21:25We're not going to kiss
21:29Not today no, but if we were to kiss for whatever reason I prefer for you not to have the mustache
21:38Good thank you. Whatever. What do you think? The mustache looks dishy doesn't he? I don't know. I'm not gay
21:49I think it looks great. And I think the voters will love it. I don't think they will
21:52I don't think they'll vote for you anymore
21:54People don't vote for me just for the way. I look they focus. They like my policies, don't they?
22:01Right, well, I've got to dash darling
22:05Get a room
22:09Sebastian I've called off all my other meetings this afternoon so you and I can thrash out this budget proposal together not bothered now
22:18You said you loved it when we work closely together. Yeah. Yeah, I did but
22:22mustache
22:25That's the way you feel I get someone else could you ask Gregory to come out to my office, please?
22:30Thank you
22:32By the way, Sarah's away for the weekend. So I thought you and I could go down to checkers and work on this
22:38I
22:40Don't fancy you
22:46My minister morning Gregory, oh, I love the mustache
22:58In the charming village of pox just outside Littlestool Judith Pike and Margaret Blackmore are enjoying a walk
23:06Yes, I think I see your point
23:09Marion hello Marion. Hello ladies. Lovely dog
23:13Thank you, George. Yes is an old English sheepdog pure pedigree. He's lovely
23:19Yours is beautiful. Aren't you? Hey, what's the breed? She's a Chinese dog
23:38Oh
23:50See you church on Sunday
23:57Frisbees were invented in 1928 by Society Beauty lady Lucinda frisbee to relieve the boredom between the walls
24:08Poppers now you throw it back. Yeah
24:16Didn't quite catch that one. You've got to really throw it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm another guy
24:27The frisbee is stuck up the pile on go and get it in
24:32Well, I can't the pylon carries electric current. It'd be very dangerous. Yeah, I know
24:38Believe it there. Let's think of another game to play. What me frisbee
24:44See if I can find someone to help you wait there
24:54We've got a frisbee stuck up a pile
24:56It's a private property. This is my field. My friend here is in a wheelchair
24:59He likes nothing more than a game of Frisbee. He loves playing the frisbee that him
25:07Oh
25:16Bye-bye
25:29It's a strange smell of burning fat