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Short filmTranscript
00:00This is Vicky Pollard. She's one of Britain's most beautiful women.
00:06Are you the news Asian? Yeah.
00:08Do you like to do the lottery here or something, Nathan?
00:10Yeah, you can buy your ticket here.
00:12Yeah, but I don't need to, because I actually won the whole jackpot on that.
00:14Really? Yeah, I've got my ticket right here.
00:16Oh, yeah, and it was a Saturday one, not a Wednesday one,
00:18because the money's well nothing on a Wednesday.
00:20It's like only a million quid. It's well not worth the stress.
00:22Oh, yeah, and I definitely won it, and if Colin McGovern says I'm lying,
00:24then don't listen to her, because she's got one of them nut allergies,
00:26because one time we was all round the back of Nando,
00:28and she had a peanut revel, only I thought it was a coffee one,
00:30and she ate it, and she had to go to hospital, and she nearly died,
00:32and she will blame me for it, and I'm like, it's not my fault you're so gay
00:34you can't even eat a peanut.
00:36You made this yourself.
00:38New, but, yeah, but, new, but, yeah, but, new, but, yeah, but,
00:42new, but, yeah, but, new, but, yeah, but, new, but, yeah, but,
00:46I did, but I didn't, but I did, but I didn't,
00:48because I couldn't, because I was actually busy doing
00:50two million hours of community service, and anyway,
00:52I couldn't have made it myself, even if I'd actually wanted to,
00:54actually, because I can't read or write, because I'm like,
00:57Stop wasting my time.
00:59Oh, my God, I still can't believe you just said that.
01:01You actually owe me 50 billion pounds or something like that.
01:04Your ticket is not valid.
01:06All right, 10 million quid and a bag of disco.
01:09Out.
01:10500 quid and a candy surprise.
01:12Go.
01:13Four pack of breezers.
01:14No.
01:15Chomp.
01:16No.
01:17Bag of skips, and I'll give you a gob job.
01:18Oh, my God, you have so lost a good customer.
01:20I have always been here, Rob-Anne.
01:23I'll take you for one hour.
01:30Can't ask for that.
01:31Over at Hillgrange, former mistress of Prince Philip,
01:34Bubbles de Vier, is undergoing some acupuncture.
01:37I tell you, dear darling, I can't wait to see the back of both of them.
01:40Just as well, Miss Bubble, because I just saw them leaving.
01:43What?
01:45Dreadful place.
01:47Faulty.
01:49We could have the luggage in the Merc, please.
01:52So you're leaving us early, Mr de Vier?
01:54Yeah, I'm afraid so.
01:55Yes, that bitch has ruined our honeymoon.
01:57Darling, please, don't make a scene.
01:59I'll make a scene if I want to, baby.
02:02You didn't even come to say goodbye.
02:07I was going to.
02:08I thought it's better if we just slipped away.
02:11Where is he?
02:17Goodbye, then, Rob-Anne.
02:20Goodbye, Bubbles.
02:24Don't be, Rob-Anne.
02:25One last time.
02:27I can't.
02:28Why not, darling?
02:29Because you're covered in needles.
02:32Rob-Anne, he's staying with me, baby.
02:34He's mine. All mine.
02:44Britain can proudly boast the dirtiest beaches,
02:47the most disappointing views
02:49and some of the flattest hills in the world.
02:52But still, some Britons choose to book holidays abroad.
02:55I'd like a round-the-world cruise, please.
02:58Leaving in March, returning in September.
03:01Travelling first class for about 700 pounds.
03:10Computer says yes.
03:14Ahem.
03:18Bye, Rob-Anne.
03:25Meanwhile, in Herby, Lou has something upsetting to tell Andy.
03:30How's your toast?
03:31Too buttery.
03:35Now, you remember I told you my mum was very ill?
03:40Yeah, I know.
03:41Well, I'm sorry to say that she passed off during the night.
03:44Can't see the telly.
03:46Oh, sorry.
03:48So, I'm going to have to go back to the Isle of Wight for a few days
03:52to look after my dad and sort out all the funeral arrangements.
03:55So selfish. What about me?
03:58Well, I'll spoke in the social services
04:00and arrange some temporary cover for the week.
04:02But I'll make it when you're here.
04:04Oh, I'm sure the lady they'll be sending will be very nice.
04:07KNOCKING
04:08Oh, she's early.
04:12Hello, you must be Mrs Mead.
04:13Yes, yes, I've no time for niceties. Where is he?
04:15Oh, just through here.
04:17Good morning, Mr Pipkin.
04:19Andy, this is Mrs Mead.
04:21I don't like her.
04:23Oh, come on, Andy, don't be rude.
04:25I don't care whether he likes me or not.
04:27Well, I'd better be off.
04:29Here are the keys, Mrs Mead. I'll call you in a few days.
04:33Bye, Andy.
04:34Don't go.
04:39This place is a pigsty.
04:42We're going to clear it up.
04:44You do the bottom shelf and I'll do the top.
04:49Come on.
04:53Next, we visit Oldhaven, where transvestite Emily Howard
04:56is relaxing at home with a book.
04:58I like to relax by saying cruel and hurtful things
05:01to my elderly mother.
05:04One moment, dear.
05:06Oh, no.
05:11Oh, Florence.
05:14It's Fred.
05:16What are you dressed as? You look most peculiar.
05:19We need to talk.
05:20Well, come in, then.
05:22Look, I can't stop. I just came to say goodbye, really.
05:25Goodbye?
05:27My wife came home from the pub and found me trying on her wedding dress.
05:30She hit the roof. She says she's had enough.
05:33But together we fooled the world.
05:35Everywhere we went, people were enchanted
05:37by our feminine charms and beauty and shit.
05:40You were always better at it than me, anyway.
05:42But we have...
05:43Look, Maureen's in the car. I'd better go.
05:45Sorry.
05:47Oh, one moment. I have something for you.
05:51What is it?
05:53Un petit moment.
05:57Come on, Fred.
05:58I'll be a minute, love.
06:03Oh, it's silk.
06:05Yes, antique.
06:07Well, it's very nice, but I couldn't possibly...
06:09You love it. You know you love it.
06:14Well, perhaps I could just try it on for a moment.
06:18Come in, Florence, my dear.
06:20Thank you, my darling.
06:22Maureen?
06:23Yes?
06:26If you were a young person
06:28who wishes to eat only chilli con carne for three years
06:31and then spend the rest of your life in debt,
06:33why not go to university?
06:36I just want to defer a year
06:38cos I decided to run for student union president.
06:40Oh, good luck.
06:42I think there's a form you need to fill in.
06:44Martin will know.
06:49Martin Itzlender,
06:51is there a form you need to fill in
06:53if you want to defer a year?
06:55It's Roland Burrell.
06:57How can I describe him?
07:00Glasses, colourful shirts.
07:02Not keen on salad.
07:04Think Eddie Murphy in The Clumps.
07:07Makes you want to say,
07:09Roland, I only want to help you, Roland.
07:12Would make a great Barry White and stars in their eyes.
07:15That's right, fatty, fatty bum bum.
07:18He just goes straight out.
07:21He just goes straight out.
07:23Thanks a lot.
07:25Pleasure.
07:27Hey, fatty bum bum.
07:29Sweet sugar dumpling.
07:32Oh, Mary Mother of God, look at that.
07:35This candlestick holder is filthy.
07:37It looks like it's never been cleaned at all.
07:39Yeah, I know.
07:41You've been in that there chair for many years, have you?
07:44Yeah.
07:46The world works in mysterious ways.
07:50And you've no feeling in your legs whatsoever?
07:52No.
07:54You can't feel this?
07:58No.
08:00What about this?
08:02No.
08:04And not even this?
08:08No.
08:10Poor thing.
08:12Right.
08:14I need some more Brasso.
08:16Ow.
08:18Ow.
08:22If you think you might become ill in six weeks' time,
08:25then why not book an appointment today with your local GP?
08:29Carla, would you bring the next patient in, please? Thank you.
08:33Ah, Mrs Emery. Nice to see you again.
08:36Hello, Doctor. Spit her out.
08:39Yes. So, what seems to be the trouble?
08:41I've got a bit of a problem, Doctor.
08:43Right.
08:45It's my knee. It's a little bit sore.
08:47Right. Well, we'd better have a look at you, hadn't we?
08:49We'll stand up over here.
08:51Right.
08:53Ah, yes, yes, it does look a little sore.
08:56Have you bended at all?
08:58Well, the other night,
09:00I knelt down from under the television set
09:03and I must have put too much weight on my knee
09:06cos I felt something go.
09:08Are you sure it's just the knee that's troubling you?
09:10Yeah, just the knee, Doctor.
09:12Well, if you can just sit down for a moment, please.
09:15Oh, that's a nice painting. Is it a Turner?
09:17Ah, yes, yes, it is.
09:23Oh, the chair's a bit damp.
09:26Yeah. Well, I'm going to give you fluoxidazolam,
09:28which is an anti-inflammatory.
09:30If the swelling hasn't gone down within a week,
09:32come back and see me again.
09:34Oh, thank you, Doctor.
09:38Now, Mrs Emery,
09:40are you sure there's nothing else troubling you?
09:43I can't think of anything.
09:45Could have brought your attention, but otherwise I'm fine.
09:47Cheerio.
09:53No, this isn't a zoo.
09:55These are not elephants.
09:57They are, in fact, human beings.
09:59Yeah, don't get too carried away.
10:01She's still a monster.
10:03As we pay our final visit to Fat Fighter.
10:06She's such a pretty face, isn't she?
10:08In the middle there.
10:11Oh, you've gone up two pounds.
10:13Oh, dear, it's not easy, is it?
10:16Do you want to somehow drag yourself back to your seat?
10:19You see, your problem is, Pat,
10:21you're a classic yo-yo dieter.
10:23You go up and down.
10:25See, you've got your good foods over here.
10:27You've got your lettuce, your Avita, your dust.
10:30And over here, you've got your bad foods.
10:32Your chocolate, your crisps, your cake.
10:34Oh, fancy, Pat, because she loves the cake.
10:36And here's you, stuck in the middle,
10:38stuck in the middle, yo-yoing between the two.
10:44You've drawn me as a pig.
10:46Oh, sorry.
10:52Do you know what? I don't need this any more.
10:54I'm not losing weight.
10:56Every time I come, you're horrible to me.
10:58That's enough.
11:00What? No, go on.
11:02Well, apologise. Say sorry, then.
11:05Say what? Say sorry.
11:08What? Say sorry.
11:10No, I can't. Do it again.
11:12Say sorry. Do it again.
11:14Say sorry. Do it again.
11:16Say sorry. Do it again.
11:18Just say sorry to her!
11:19How would you want me to say sorry?
11:21Why didn't you say that? I did.
11:23Do it again. I did.
11:25Do it again. I did.
11:27Do it again. I did.
11:29Do it again. I'm waiting for an apology.
11:31I'll come back to you, my love.
11:33I don't see why you can't just say sorry.
11:35Yeah, come on. I can.
11:37I can say sorry. Go on, then.
11:39I'm going to say it any minute now.
11:41Well, say it. I'm about to.
11:43Go on.
11:45Hmm.
11:47I didn't hear that. Well, I said it, so...
11:49Well, we didn't hear it either. Come on, let's go.
11:51I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it.
11:53I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it.
11:55with that I am very sorry don't worry we are not coming back
12:25back in her office Linda is taking a tea break
12:55we've come to complain about what about the way you talk about us all yeah it's
12:59really insulting I don't know what you mean what have I said
13:03ching-chong Chatham and fatty fatty bum bum Molly the mole
13:07Ali Bongo Mick Hucknall Magnum PI big fat lesbian
13:18your point being the point is is that we want to make an official complaint well
13:24I'm shocked let's get Martin down here now sort out this awful mess
13:35Martin it's Linda I've got the whole cast of Fraggle Rock here
13:43do you keep a used tissue up your sleeve if so you are an old person and
13:49probably live in a home like this mr. Jeffries how are we today
13:54oh very good you having trouble with that thank you
14:10you barely touched your stew there's your puddle I'm not good with food it's
14:20good for you Lou always lets me have a chuck-eyes
14:23Lou's not here is he I'm allowed to watch Dez and Mel there'll be no days in
14:28this flat no Mel neither television rots the mind we'll make our own
14:32entertainment two three four onward Christian soldiers marching us to war
15:12and the local pub of bum troubler Davyth Thomas
15:21no thank you my family I've not stopped by for a drink I've come to say goodbye
15:26oh yes yes my family I'm leaving the village forever
15:32forever Lando we breffy is not the place for an out game man yeah I'm gay get over
15:37it well where are you going London with my physique I'll be able to get myself a
15:45job as a go-go dancer where are you gonna stay at the YMCA
15:51apparently you can have a good meal you can get yourself clean and you can hang
15:54out with all the guys well good for you Davyth I'm gonna live the gay dream my
16:00family I'm gonna go to gay bars and drink gay drinks I'm gonna ride gay
16:04buses and if I get peckish my family I'll just open up a packet of gay
16:08biscuits gay biscuits this is London my family everything's gay and you're sure
16:16it's what you really want so my family I'd known I was gay since I was 22 it's
16:21all I've ever dreamed of come on then I'll walk you to the station
16:25thank you my family well I'm going everybody well done you've won a victory
16:34for the bigots I wonder how many more beautiful young gay men will be driven
16:39away from this village by your scorn well none obviously because I am the
16:44only one
16:48this case is quite heavy Davyth well it would be yes my family but I'm gay you
16:52see I can't really carry every object no well I'm gonna miss you I guess
16:59you're doing the right thing just think this time tomorrow you could be in a
17:03nightclub heaving with young men like G-A-Y is that a gay club yes I don't
17:10think I'd be going out on the first night to my family oh you've got to get
17:13out there Davyth have yourself a bit of torture I don't think that's going to
17:17happen of course it is there's loads of gay guys in London you won't be the only
17:21gay in the village anymore no no it'll be brilliant right well this is as far
17:30as I can go good luck Davyth don't forget to write
17:34goodbye my family
17:38it doesn't look like I'm gonna get to London after all I just missed the last
17:52train
17:54I'll be arriving at the platform one in five minutes
17:58a carton of coke? yes please my family
18:07I'll go tomorrow yes of course you will
18:19in Gash just adjacent to the town of Cocoa passage is this hospital
18:24run by Dr. Lawrence well we always celebrate Christmas here at the hospital
18:28and this year one of our patients Anne has very kindly offered to decorate the
18:33day room I don't know if you've met Anne, have you met Anne?
18:37well it's just through here, let's see how she's getting on
18:46hello Anne, how are you getting on?
18:48have you done the tree?
18:50what have you decorated it with?
18:55eh eh eh
18:57fish fingers, that's different
18:59well thank you very much Anne
19:01eh eh eh
19:03Anne's got some mistletoe
19:05do you want to kiss Dr. Beagrey?
19:07eh eh eh
19:09you don't mind do you?
19:11eh eh eh
19:25well you just love Christmas
19:31it's approaching Nightington
19:33and in bruised man Dudley Punt is on his way home
19:38happy to talk
19:40talk about things you'd like to do
19:44Ting Tong I'm home
19:46Ting Tong
19:50table for one sir
19:56what's going on?
19:58please take a seat sir
20:00I'm afraid we're out of Tom Yam soup
20:02where's Ting Tong?
20:04I want to see Ting Tong
20:07the manager is busy but I will check for you
20:11hello Mr. Dudley, I'll take everything to your liking
20:13no it bloody isn't
20:15you've turned me bloody flat into a tired bloody palace
20:17we do have other diners
20:19I only nipped out to the offy
20:21thank you very much
20:23oh thank you offy, do come again
20:25no don't come again
20:27we need to talk
20:29I'm terribly sorry Mr. Dudley
20:31we do have a bit of a crisis in the kitchen
20:33my brother here will look after you
20:36thank you sir, are you ready to order?
20:38I don't want anything
20:40in that case, thank you very much sir
20:42please come again soon
20:46thank you sir
20:48the mints are for customers only
20:50sorry
20:58thank you sir
21:06happy talking
21:08happy talking
21:14after a brief photo call with his wife
21:16give him a kiss
21:18give him a kiss
21:22sorry
21:24I'm very sorry
21:26the Prime Minister has a long overdue meeting with the Chancellor
21:30so, the time has come
21:32yes I know
21:34I'll stick to it
21:36I shall announce my resignation this afternoon
21:38and the party will vote for the new leader on Thursday
21:40you should be Prime Minister by the end of the week
21:42what
21:44Robert and I had a deal
21:46that I would stand down before the next election
21:48yeah but you didn't mean it did you
21:50I gave him my word
21:52I want the transition of power to run as smooth as possible
21:54Sebastian you will now work for me
21:56as the Prime Minister's aide
21:58no thanks I'm staying with Michael
22:00I'm retiring from politics I'm afraid
22:03the new Prime Minister will be Robert
22:05I don't like him
22:07why not
22:09well he's all fat and Scottish
22:11very well it looks like you'll be leaving government too
22:13Sebastian
22:15Prime Minister
22:17I shall see you in the Commons at four
22:19and I shall make my announcement then
22:21thank you Robert
22:23Sebastian would you like to show the new Prime Minister out
22:26thank you
22:32thank you so much Sebastian for everything
22:34so
22:36this is goodbye then
22:38I'm afraid so
22:40oh Sebastian please don't cry
22:42it's alright I'm not going to
22:44no
22:50Sebastian please
22:52Sebastian please
23:00I understand
23:06here
23:12can I keep this
23:14yes
23:16whenever I have a good blow I'll think of you
23:22thank you Sebastian
23:24I wasn't going to give this
23:26to you just yet but
23:28it seems like the right moment
23:30I got it when I was at the summit last week in Switzerland
23:34thank you
23:36it's
23:38beautiful
23:40it's the least I can do
23:42Sebastian
23:44actually Prime Minister
23:46I've got something for you
23:48really
23:51aww
23:53you didn't know I was
23:55leaving
23:57close your eyes
23:59it's a surprise
24:05can I open them yet
24:07yes
24:15darling
24:17do you want to come with me to the press
24:20we're in the middle of some important government business
24:22ok
24:26right
24:36can you push me
24:38no you have to learn to wheel yourself
24:40it's good exercise for you
24:42I want to go home
24:44come on there's only another two miles to go
24:46I think that loo has been far too soft
24:49oh yes
24:51things are going to be different from now on
24:53you've got into bad habits
24:55you ask me
24:57I see no reason now
24:59why you can't do your own cooking and cleaning
25:01and that TV is going off and staying off
25:03and no more chocolate or potato crisps
25:05why don't you get yourself a job
25:07there's plenty of things you can do
25:09first thing tomorrow now I'm going to take you down to the job centre
25:11and find something
25:19I'm home
25:37hello
25:43I'm home
25:45hello
25:47I'll put your tea on