Frasier Season 3 Episode 12 Come Lie With Me
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TVTranscript
00:00morning morning morning oh my god joe get up get up you were supposed to be out of there
00:21hours ago you promised me that after we did the deed you'd be on your merry way
00:27i was get dressed i've got to get you out of here before dr crane gets up okay
00:38no i smell coffee they're already up don't worry now just lay low until the two of them
00:45oh my god it's nine o'clock i'm a half hour late for work
00:49just give me a minute i'll get rid of them where's my underwear
00:52oh
01:03good morning maybe for you i just spent five minutes trying to button these pants
01:10that stupid dryer shrunk another pair on me
01:15oh
01:20dad before you blame the dryer have you ever considered stepping on the old bathroom scale
01:26oh what's the point that thing's been 10 pounds off for weeks
01:33oh good morning dr crane sorry i overslept well time we all got our day started
01:48i'll just clear these dishes away well i wasn't finished with that long john yet oops sorry about
01:54that it wasn't quite finished with that toast either oh now we can't have you running off to
02:00your squash game on a full stomach oh yes how many championship matches have been marred by the
02:06heartbreak of toast cramps don't you have that doctor's appointment this morning yeah but it's
02:13not for 20 minutes chair what's going on here why are you giving us the bum's rush oh i just
02:19love the american vernacular so cute so quaint so long okay gotta get my wallet first these damn
02:30pants you know you spend $15 on a good pair of pants you're expected to be strict recess
02:37well dad when you spend that kind of money what you're really paying for is to design your name
02:44i gotta go so late hurry hurry hurry i'll call you later okay
02:50okay bye oh god oh
02:58hello joe hi dr crane i just came by to give daphne a kiss
03:12and drop off these shoes
03:14here thank you well anyone think of anything to make this
03:24moment a bit more awkward than it already is
03:39thank you eddie
03:44oh thank you very much
03:52look isn't that dirk and gabby bendercott friends of yours
03:56filthy rich timber money in their case it really does grow on trees dirk gabby oh dirk
04:05hello niles uh dirk bendercott my brother dr fraser crane oh i've heard your program
04:16well i've seen your wife
04:22so niles i suppose i'll see you with benefit on sunday i know maris is coming yes sunday uh
04:32which benefit is sunday i i have so many benefits
04:35on sunday the hoedown for the homeless you were invited the hoedown yippee yes
04:45oh that must be gabby this certainly sounds like her so see you sunday yes don't till sunday
04:57well
04:58i wasn't invited miles it's one party yes but when you're off the a-list for one party you're
05:06off for all of them from now on i'll be relegated to b-list charity events
05:11grubby little theater companies and last year's diseases
05:16often happens in these cases when two people separate their friends choose one spouse over
05:22the other sure they just chose maris because she's better connected and has more money than you do
05:31exactly which part of that was meant to ease my pain
05:35niles i just think you're overreacting oh wait wait i know what happened my invitation just
05:41got lost in the mail no it's not so far fetched it could have been missorted or a stamp could
05:48have fallen off or it could have been stolen by my mail carrier hoedowns are catnip to postal workers
05:57well i'd ask you to explain that but then you would
06:03i'm going to go check with the post office you know i heard a story on news the other day about
06:07a man who bought a piano at auction and when he went to tunic he found a 40 year old unmailed
06:13letter under the sounding board perhaps we should contact ferranti and taisha see if they have your
06:18invitation cook fun now we'll see who feels foolish this sunday when i'm sipping champagne atop a
06:26mechanical bull uh cappuccino please uh ron try to get your take on something uh what well
06:38um daphne and joe are having sex in my apartment and it
06:44it leaves me in a rather awkward position doing what bending over to look through the keyhole
06:51oh fraser come on what is the big deal let's just say that i'm sitting there listening to music or
06:57reading a book and oh i think joe back there so well it just makes me uncomfortable
07:11i'm going to ask daphne not to sleep with joe in the house anymore is that too amish
07:20i was gonna say selfish oh let's see please daphne don't have sex it disturbs my
07:27reading no that's not too selfish well i just don't think a man should be uncomfortable in
07:32his own home how am i supposed to relax when every giggle every noise it'll make me
07:39you know picture it oh of course not don't be ridiculous the very idea
07:49you're picturing it right now aren't you well you made me
07:58so
08:00hey fraser hi dad oh is daphne in yeah and if you have any sense you pretend that nothing
08:08happened this morning oh yes denial just the sort of advice i would expect from a
08:14man whose driver's license still lists his hair color as brown
08:21it was until you came back to town
08:27uh i think we need to discuss what happened this morning oh it's been bothering me all day
08:41it was entirely my fault no no no i i share the blame we never did have a formal discussion about
08:47the rules of the house especially when it comes to you know i do want to apologize for any
08:54embarrassment i may have caused you see we can't go to joe's because he's still building his house
09:01and he sleeps on a friend's couch but i can assure you it will never happen again well then our
09:08business is concluded meeting adjourned yes the next time joe spends the night i'll notify you
09:15well in advance
09:30daphne i was just reviewing the minutes of our last meeting
09:39there seems to be some confusion oh see my cripple is not with
09:44the lack of notification i am just not comfortable with
09:49you and joe sleeping together under my roof oh i see oh i'm sorry about that but it is my room
09:58isn't it oh yes yes and i want you to feel comfortable living here but i suppose it's
10:02more important for you to feel comfortable because as you said it is your roof oh
10:09well thank you for understanding dr tall joe and i are going away for the weekend
10:16well first thing monday i'm going to start looking for my own place
10:33yes who
10:33you
10:37daphne uh i i don't want you entertaining here but i i also don't want you to move out
10:43oh i see so you want me to stay but just not have a personal life well that works out fine for me
10:51i'll just spend all day waiting on you and your father then in the evenings retire to my room
10:56wrap myself in an afghan and wait for the morning and if my whimpering gets too loud for you you can
11:02just have me fixed like eddie that is not what i meant this is difficult for both of us daphne i
11:16i have to express my feelings and i also don't want to lose you very important to me and my father
11:23that's why my solution is best well i'll still be here during the day to take care of your father
11:30but nights and weekends i'll just go home to my own place on top of which you can turn this room
11:37back into your beautiful study you used to have well suppose what other choice do we have
11:44of course it'll be a period of adjustment for all of us i know how much you two care about me and
11:52consider me part of the family but you're picturing your study right now aren't you
12:00you made me
12:08she's such a groovy lady morning guys oh morning
12:16you seen the phone oh i probably left it in my room again sorry
12:20hey making breakfast burritos you want one el paso suit yourself
12:38yeah what about the silk pajamas i bought you oh you're crazy you know they're too
12:44for me besides they shrank
12:52whoop there go my tater tots you want a pile not that i don't enjoy a pile of breakfast as
13:01much as the next guy but i still think no uh dad are you planning on going around like that all
13:09weekend yeah why not daphne's off on her little trips just us guys besides i've been wearing pants
13:17around here for three years enough i see yeah i'm sorry look i just have to do this thank you
13:27now listen it's no big deal but couldn't find the remote control for the tv last night
13:33now i thought we agreed that its place was on that table next to my chair
13:40what's it like in the old days when you had to actually get up to change the channels
13:44it was hell
13:50you expecting someone contractor getting an estimate on restoring my study
13:56why didn't you use joe i think joe's done enough work in that room thank you
14:04henry thank you for coming on such short notice no sweat i'll just show you the room
14:11oh this is my father don't get up
14:15it's like a cup of coffee oh that'd be great fine the room is right down the
14:20hall there and to the right i'll meet you there okay
14:27oh and dad this is a small thing but get out the sponge in the sink again
14:33so well as i mentioned last evening if it stays wet not only does it begin to smell
14:39but it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria so so if i were to say wipe up that salsa that
14:48you spilled on the table just now i would be leaving behind bacteria such as salmonella
14:54listeria shigella now wouldn't that bother you yeah i guess you're right it would bother me
15:00i wouldn't dream of touching that sponge now
15:13oh yes our own feral breath little handy wipe
15:29so
15:39you've been leaving lights on in the apartment all weekend you know what that does to the
15:43electric bill suppose the nuclear power plant they had to build to keep that television on day and
15:48night you moved my chair again didn't you no oh well maybe eddie did it eddie you move my chair
16:00because frazier said he didn't do it and frazier another mess around
16:03my stuff all right i moved your damn chair well you haven't turned ruins the symmetry of the room
16:09the sight line loses all flow all the sight line and here i thought it was for some dumb reason
16:19and please will you get eddie off of the couch
16:22or else it's out to the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life
16:30so
16:41well howdy partner save your snippy remarks fair enough
16:48say am i crazy or is there a bright golden haze on the meadow
16:54stop it i'm in the middle of a social crisis i just drove to the hoedown for the homeless
17:03assuming that maris had simply neglected to forward my invitation well not only was i
17:10not on the guest list but nelson the parking attendant said he missed me at the luau for lupus
17:17now it's official i am a social outcast oh no why do you care about those people you know
17:25you're out of need they pretend you don't even exist
17:29treat you like you're a leper a non-person but i really really like them
17:37i know i know it makes me sound pathetic but i'm newly separated these people have been my
17:42social circle for 10 years frazier they're my tribe well i hate to break this to you
17:52waltzes with snobs but
18:00they have left you on the mountaintop to die now niles maybe your friends wanted to invite you but
18:08they probably thought you'd be upset seeing maris there of course you're absolutely right
18:15oh that's ridiculous oh why are you so negative these people do care about me oh fine very well
18:21why don't you just call them prove to me i'm wrong nothing would give me greater pleasure
18:24where's your phone oh it's in my bedroom where else would it be and dad's electric
18:29shaver is in the kitchen you see all our appliances are on an adventure this weekend
18:39oh well are you proud of yourself stirring things up why didn't you just let him think
18:46his friends were doing him a favor oh yes the martin crane approach better living through
18:52denial you did the same thing with death you couldn't just pretend that nothing was going on
18:57back there death i'm a psychiatrist i don't pretend i confront i resolve oh yeah you really
19:04resolve this now she's moving out you know i swear you just go looking for trouble that is so
19:10untrue and perhaps you can explain this
19:19a grown man's obsession with a sponge no i can't the last two days i've asked you again and again
19:27as politely as i can to wring out the sponge but you don't even have the consideration to respect
19:31my feelings because your feelings are stupid but they're my feelings and important to me
19:38and because of that you should have the courtesy to respect them oh just like you respect my
19:42feelings when i ask you not to move my chair oh that makes no sense at all oh all right
19:48you want me to dry that sponge i'll dry that sponge
19:51give it about a minute oh that's mature oh boy you know what a tortured little world you live in
20:04newspapers strewn all over the place sponge germs coming after you so one day you can sleep at night
20:10oh my dreams get me by but the one where i strap you in your chair and run around the house turning
20:18on all the lights even in the rooms i'm nowhere near why is an electric meter must really be
20:24spinning now
20:30evening all did you boys have a nice weekend
20:35well i had the loveliest time hey off we found this little bed and breakfast
20:43right off the coast i took my decision over with joe and he agreed it really is the best
20:51thing for everyone of course i'll still be here during the day to help your father with his
20:56exercises but nights and weekends and it'll just be the two of you carefree bachelors getting into
21:04trouble together oh i'm usually just underfoot around here anyway so you see my decision is best
21:15for everyone well i've had a long weekend so good night good night
21:24uh
21:30frazier what you know how an oreo has that soft creamy filling between two hard cookies
21:41that's what keeps them together
21:44see a point there now daphne's kind of the center i'll go and talk to her now you and me
21:53we'd be the cookie party i get it
21:59get it
22:11may i come in yes of course thank you daphne
22:18daphne uh you can't go you have to stay i've only just recently realized how important you
22:25are to us see if you go dad and i will kill each other i'm not just tossing out hyperbole here i'm
22:33speaking in the most literal sense dad and i both dead only he'll be lying there with a
22:38a bacteria ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated ton
22:46don't you don't really want that on your conscience do you
22:50no of course not and the truth is i do still think of this place as my home
22:56but i know you'd never be comfortable knowing joe and i were well i i'd be willing to try
23:04i know you better than that it'll bother you and we'll both be miserable why can't i get past it
23:13oh it would just be easier if i could be like my father and pretend you weren't in here making love
23:20making love is that what you think we were doing yes of course oh no there was nothing
23:28like that going on in here really
23:35seems rather implausible even if i'd like to to believe that and then believe me i really do want
23:43to um how how can i well how could joe and i make love what with joe's war injury oh
23:57i didn't even know joe was a soldier what war would that be
24:00the falkland islands but there was a british conflict and joe's not his parents had a summer
24:06house there oh that's very unfortunate taking a summer house in a war zone
24:18but how he was kicked by a sheep a sheep yes a sheep spoke by an air raid siren work with me
24:28i see all right so what you're saying is that the joe can't
24:37ah well i suppose that changes everything yes i suppose it does but uh just so as we're clear
24:48even though there's no actual love making joe and i can on occasion say read poems to each other
24:56in here at night as long as you don't read too loudly
25:11she's staying turns out they're sleeping together but not having sex
25:20you see they can't have sex because of an injury joe suffered when kicked by a spooked
25:28sheep during an air raid while his family was vacationing in the falkland islands during the war
25:38well dad was right they are my real friends it was all just a misunderstanding
25:45apparently the social chairman's dog ate my invitation and the poor animal had to go to the
25:52vet and with all the confusion they forgot to send me another and when i offered my
25:57new address for next year's party they said no need we'll see you around
26:06i'm gonna start wearing sweatpants that damn dryer again
26:15hey you guys want some cookies they're reduced fat really
26:19that means we can eat twice as many yes what does that do nothing oh i have never
26:31hey baby i hear the blues are calling for salads and scrambled eggs
26:38oh my and maybe i seem a bit confused well maybe but i got you pegged
26:49but i don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:56they're calling again good night seattle we love you