Frasier Season 3 Episode 20 Police Story
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Faster, Frasier, faster! You can make that flight!
00:06Get us down!
00:08We can't be late for this date!
00:11Right! Take a ride here!
00:13This is ridiculous! First the dry cleaner, then the ATM.
00:17Now you make me cart you off to some restaurant!
00:20I'm sorry, I didn't plan for my car to be in the shop.
00:23I really, really appreciate it, Frasier.
00:26Oh, a basket of fruit would suffice!
00:31I am chanting for my date!
00:34Don't look at me! Turn around! Turn all the way around!
00:37I'm driving!
00:42Hand me my jeans, will ya?
00:47Oh, oh great! This is just what I need!
00:51There's a police car behind us.
00:53Please, don't turn on the red light. Don't turn on the red light.
00:56Don't turn on the red light!
00:58Damn it, Frasier!
01:03Don't worry, Frasier, you're not going to get a ticket.
01:06You're a celebrity. Use the little juice.
01:08Oh, I refuse to do anything of the sort!
01:10Well, enjoy traffic school.
01:18Good evening, officer. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
01:23If there's a problem, I'm listening.
01:26You're going 62 in a 40-mile zone.
01:31Wow, this is interesting.
01:34Usually both people are in the back seat.
01:37It's not what you think.
01:40We were just coming back from KACL, where I do my radio show.
01:46Uh-huh.
01:49You see, we ran a little late because I was on with a very troubled caller
01:54with a very complex psychological problem on my radio show.
02:02Hey, wait a minute. You're Dr. Frasier Crane.
02:06Drat! My cover is blown.
02:10I love your show. I listen to it all the time.
02:13Oh, well, thank you. Thank you very much. It's always a pleasure.
02:16License and registration, please.
02:20I've been arrested by a fan.
02:27Boss, if you could delay ablutions, I'm in custody here.
02:33Hey, it's your birthday today.
02:37Is this a little celebration?
02:40Oh, no. No, I was taking my producer to meet her date.
02:46Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?
02:49I'd have thrown you a birthday party at the station.
02:52Question asked, question answered.
02:56Just going to be dropping Roz off, have a cold plate of deli,
03:02get to bed early.
03:05Almost makes you feel sorry for me, doesn't it?
03:09I spent my last birthday subduing a drunken disorderly at a sleazy bar.
03:15You hate to work on your birthday.
03:17He was my date.
03:20I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to let you off.
03:23Just think of this as a little birthday gift from me.
03:26Thank you.
03:27But slow down.
03:30I'd hate to see you get hurt.
03:34I'm listening.
03:40Haley.
03:44Let's go.
03:45Wow.
03:47I sense a little moment there.
03:50What are you talking about?
03:52Between me and that very attractive officer, it just felt like there was something there.
03:59Yeah, major sparks.
04:01It's the right pedal, the big pedal.
04:03Just a minute, just a minute.
04:05I'm going to see if she's watching me, if she's watching me, if she's interested.
04:09Oh, yes.
04:10Oh, she's turning around. She's looking up.
04:13Move your vehicle.
04:20Oh, yes.
04:23I've cast my spell.
04:30Go ahead, make a wish.
04:32Oh, why bother?
04:34I made the same wish last year, it didn't come true.
04:40Oh.
04:43Come on, son, blow out the candles.
04:54Oh, what a surprise.
04:56Look, they're lighting again.
04:59What sorcerer's magic is this?
05:04You know, Dad, I had a nice little birthday bonus today.
05:08On my way home, I was pulled over for speeding by a very pretty policewoman who let me off.
05:16I got the distinct impression that she found me attractive.
05:19Now, that sort of thing happens, doesn't it?
05:21Oh, sure.
05:22I was always leaning against somebody's window thinking,
05:25that bloody chainsaw in the back seat looks kind of iffy, but she's got a cute smile.
05:32Oh, ha, ha.
05:35I'm telling you, there was something there, though.
05:38Well, of course, the whole conversation's academic.
05:41Don't even know her name.
05:43Suppose I could go down to the police station and try to find out who was on traffic duty.
05:49But, uh, I don't suppose they'd give that sort of information to a civilian.
05:54I'd have to have some conduit into the police department,
05:59an insider who could break that damnable code of silence.
06:06All right, I'll make the damn call.
06:10You, Dad?
06:11Why, I didn't even say anything.
06:16You know, I haven't felt such an instant attraction to a woman in quite some time.
06:22Well, considering the difference in our backgrounds, it's really rather puzzling.
06:26Oh, Pish Tosh.
06:31It's patently obvious what's attracting you.
06:34The gleam of her jackboots.
06:36Her dangling nightstick.
06:39The glint of her handcuffs hanging on her leather belt.
06:44You're off on some lurid little disciplinary fantasy.
06:51Oh, Dr. Crane, shame on you.
06:54You've got icing all up and down your sleeve.
06:57Oh, I am a naughty boy.
07:03Well, certainly a messy one.
07:06But mainly a naughty one.
07:09Hey, Charlie, Marty Crane, how you doing?
07:14Listen, Charlie, I'm trying to track down a woman officer who was on traffic tonight.
07:21Near Blanchard and 4th.
07:24Great, okay, thanks.
07:28Her name's Maureen Cutler, and she usually goes to McGinnis after work.
07:32Charlie said she's probably there now.
07:34Thanks, Dad.
07:36Are you gonna go?
07:39I don't know a police bar. If I go in there alone, I'll stand out like a sore thumb.
07:43All right, I'll go.
07:47Sit down, Niles. I'll go with him.
07:52You know, after all these hoity-toity caviar-sucking egghead types you've been dating,
07:58I think a lady cop would be a nice breath of fresh air.
08:02Oh, all right, I'll go.
08:04Just give me a second.
08:06Let's see what some fresh color stays in it.
08:08Oh, I've got a fabulous brand-new cashmere jacket I've been dying to premiere.
08:16Oh, yeah, this is gonna work.
08:30Have you seen her yet?
08:31I don't know.
08:34What about her?
08:36No, that's not Maureen.
08:38No, I mean, what about her?
08:44Oh, there she is.
08:46Wow, she is a looker.
08:49Come on, let's go say hello.
08:53Oh!
08:55Oh, my God!
08:57Fancy seeing you here.
09:00Hey, Razor Crane.
09:02You remember me.
09:04Come on, 62 in a 40-mile zone with a half-naked girl in your back seat?
09:12Raz, off.
09:15So, uh, this is mine, my father.
09:18How do you do? I'm Maureen Cutler.
09:20Marty Crane, nice to meet you.
09:22Nice to meet you.
09:24Say, uh, Maureen, how about a drink?
09:26Yeah, why not?
09:27Let me get them.
09:28I'm a beer drinker myself. What about you?
09:30That's fine by me.
09:31Beer, huh?
09:33Oh, what the hell, I'll try one.
09:39So, what brings you guys here?
09:41This is mostly a cop hangout.
09:43Well, I used to be on the force.
09:45Really?
09:46Wait a minute.
09:48Marty Crane?
09:50You're Martin Crane.
09:52You're wasting your time in traffic.
09:54You're quite a detective.
09:57No, I mean, I remember you when I was in training.
10:00You gave this great lecture at the academy on how to deal with an armed suspect.
10:04Well, thanks.
10:06How come you left the force?
10:08Well, I, uh, got shot by an armed suspect.
10:15Oh, I'm sorry.
10:16No, it's all right.
10:18So, do you miss it?
10:21Nah, how attached can you get to a hip?
10:27Oh.
10:29Oh, I'm sorry.
10:31I, uh, I have to get over to the hospital.
10:33I told them to beat me if there was any news about my sergeant.
10:36What happened to her?
10:38She's having a baby.
10:40Oh, well.
10:42Well, miss the girl.
10:44I'll tell Frasier you have to run.
10:46Thanks.
10:48Listen, um, I never do this, but...
10:52I would love to have a beer.
10:54I would love to have a beer or go to dinner sometime.
11:00With me?
11:01I don't want to put you on the spot.
11:03If you, uh, if you want to go out, just give me a call.
11:09With me?
11:14You're the only one here.
11:16Here we are.
11:18Three beers.
11:19Good news, there was a fly in one glass, so they're free.
11:23Sorry, I got beeped.
11:25Oh, that's too bad.
11:27Yeah, but it was nice to see you.
11:30Maybe I'll bump into you again here sometime.
11:32Oh, that'd be great.
11:33Okay.
11:34Bye.
11:35Bye.
11:38Well, I think that went very well, don't you?
11:42I'll have a grande half-caff latte with a whisper of cinnamon.
11:46And for my father, plain coffee.
11:51I cannot emphasize the word plain enough.
11:56No foam, no cinnamon, no exotic flavors.
11:59If it is not plain, I take no responsibility for the consequences.
12:04I'll have a grande half-caff latte with a whisper of cinnamon.
12:07And for my father, plain coffee.
12:12How about a biscotti?
12:15All right, but when you bring it, call it a cookie.
12:23Hi, son.
12:24Hello, Dad.
12:26I want to thank you for meeting me like this.
12:28Well, my pleasure.
12:32So, what can I do you for?
12:37Well, I need some advice.
12:42Advice?
12:44That's why you asked me here?
12:46Yeah.
12:47You've never done this before.
12:50Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but anyway, do you remember the...
12:52I want you to know I'm not only deeply touched,
12:55but I consider this a watershed moment in our relationship.
12:58Great.
12:59All my life, it seems like you've always turned to Frazier.
13:02Frazier, Frazier, Frazier.
13:03Miles, can I talk?
13:06I'm listening.
13:10Here we are.
13:11One latte, one coffee, and one cookie.
13:20I think they call this thing a biscotti.
13:26No need to talk down to the man.
13:27Off you go.
13:28Thank you.
13:35Well, anyway, remember the other night, Frazier's policewoman?
13:40Mm-hmm.
13:41Well, we found her at the bar, and, well, she came on to me.
13:50No.
13:51Yeah.
13:52You?
13:53Yeah.
13:55Was she drunk?
13:58I'm sorry.
13:59Of course, Dad, I'm sorry.
14:03What was Frazier's reaction?
14:06I haven't told him yet.
14:08Why not?
14:09I just can't.
14:10Can I?
14:15I know he's going to feel lousy.
14:17He finally meets a girl he likes, and she's attracted to his old man.
14:23That is quite a conundrum.
14:26I wonder if that's what's really bothering you.
14:29What do you mean?
14:32Maybe underneath it all, you're attracted to this woman, and you want to go out with her.
14:36Oh, are you nuts?
14:37That's sick!
14:38That's disgusting!
14:42But for the sake of argument, let's say you're right.
14:48Dad, you're allowed to be attracted to a woman.
14:51What kind of a father does a thing like that?
14:54Did you encourage her in any way?
14:58Well, I guess I was kind of charming.
15:00I mean, I didn't mean to be.
15:02It just sometimes leaks out.
15:06Well, what do you want to do?
15:10Well, most important, I don't want to hurt Frazier.
15:13Secondly, I want to go out with Maureen.
15:18The order of that changes depending on the time of day.
15:24One possibility is go on a date with her.
15:28If you feel there are sparks between you and this woman, then tell Frazier.
15:33I don't want to lie to my son.
15:35You're not lying to him.
15:36You're delaying the truth to spare his feelings.
15:38If nothing happens, he need never know.
15:42Well, I guess it's worth a try.
15:45If Maureen and I hit it off, then I'll tell him immediately.
15:50Or I can. Really, I don't mind.
15:55I don't mind.
16:09Hi, Dad.
16:11Oh, Frazier, you're still home.
16:14Yeah.
16:15Where are you going?
16:17Just out.
16:22What are you going to do?
16:24Nothing.
16:27When are you going to be home?
16:31Later.
16:34Well, you put a dent in the car, young man. It's coming out of your allowance.
16:39Ah!
16:52Anyway, I've got my prize, you know, so I said to her, I said,
16:55Mrs. Grayson, I'll do the cooking, I'll do the cleaning,
16:58but I draw the line at creaming your feet.
17:03Hurry up! The Mambo Kings is about to start.
17:06Oh, I wouldn't mind Mamboing with Antonio Banderas.
17:11All right, set out the goodies and I'll go get the wine.
17:15Oh, and this time, Charlotte, be careful with that chocolate.
17:18I had a hell of a time hiding the stain from his nips.
17:24Hello, Dr. Crane.
17:26Daphne, Charlotte, Maggie.
17:28Dr. Crane.
17:29Please sit down.
17:30I thought you were filling in at the station tonight.
17:33Oh, I am, but not for a couple of hours yet.
17:44Oh, I seem to shame to hang around here.
17:48I mean, I would have thought you'd have taken an opportunity like this to,
17:53oh, I don't know, go down to McGuinty's, for example.
17:58Oh, to see his new lady friend, you mean.
18:02Ah, I see I've been quite the hot topic over the teapot.
18:08You know, I may have said a thing or two in passing, but I'd go for it, Dr. Crane.
18:14Yes, well, if you must know, I was planning to go down there, but not for a couple of days yet.
18:20Oh, I wouldn't wait too long. I mean, strike while the iron's hot, that's what I always say.
18:25Oh, she's right.
18:27Well, women don't really like men that are too over-eager.
18:30Oh, nonsense. I mean, you know, it's one thing if the man's some barmaid git from the docks,
18:36but it's different if the man's like you.
18:40Someone who's charming.
18:42And handsome.
18:43And knows lots and lots of words.
18:49She could be down there right now, nursing a gin and tonic,
18:53casting hopeful glances towards the door.
18:57Ah.
19:03Well, McGinty's is on my way to the station.
19:08Suppose I could just plop my head in.
19:12Thank you, ladies, for your support, even if it was nakedly self-serving and insincere.
19:20So, they finally put my transfer through, and I'm moving out of traffic and into narcotics.
19:26Yeah, I'm going to be working with Bill Henderson at the 31st.
19:30Good for you.
19:32I'm excited, although I hear he can be pretty tough.
19:36I don't know. I mean, he might seem a little stiff with straight legs,
19:40but once you get to know him, he's the greatest guy in the world.
19:43Yeah, he's pretty impressive.
19:46Oh, yeah, smart, great sense of humor.
19:49No, you're going to have a great time with him.
19:52Dad, I can't believe you're doing this.
19:55Fraser.
19:56Look, I was going to tell you.
19:59Believe me, I did not put him up to this.
20:02Although I think he's overselling me a little.
20:05Not the greatest guy in the world.
20:08Seattle, maybe.
20:10Am I missing something?
20:12Oh, I'm just joking.
20:14Okay, Dad, thanks for warming her up for me.
20:16I can take over here.
20:18Martin.
20:19Come on, Martin, you heard her.
20:22What does she have to do?
20:24Send up smoke signals?
20:27Fraser, Maureen and I are here on a date.
20:34Maureen and I are here on a date.
20:57You know, you might think this is one of those wildly embarrassing moments
21:01where I'm standing here with egg on my face.
21:05I assure you, I'm not as embarrassed as you might assume that I would be embarrassed.
21:12I'm not uncomfortable, so please, don't you be uncomfortable either.
21:21Why don't I give you two a moment?
21:23Whatever.
21:28You asked her out?
21:29No.
21:30That's not the way it happened.
21:32There's no use lying to me.
21:33I'm at the lowest point I could possibly be at, so please just tell me the truth.
21:38Maureen asked me out.
21:40Going down?
21:47It happened the other night when you went to the bar to get drinks.
21:50You know, it just caught me off guard.
21:53I didn't know how to handle it, so Niles told me that I should...
21:57Niles? Niles, no!
21:59I'm sorry.
22:01It's supposed to be a one-time thing just to see if there was something there,
22:05and if there wasn't, then you didn't even need to know about it.
22:10Well, is there something there?
22:13Oh, yeah.
22:17Well, not as if we were standing side by side when she chose you.
22:22I was at the bar.
22:24If you'd gone to get the drinks, things would have been different.
22:28I don't think so.
22:30Dad, I'm drowning here. Please, throw me a line.
22:34Look, I'm gonna go tell her this whole thing is a mistake.
22:37No, no, no, no, no, Dad. No, no.
22:41I'll be all right. Really.
22:46So...
22:49Old dog's still got it in him, huh?
22:51Yeah.
22:53Well, how long can it last?
22:55Last? I mean, she's gotta come to her senses eventually.
22:59Oh, no, Dad, Dad. Don't sell yourself short.
23:02You've got a lot to offer.
23:06Well, I'm gonna...
23:08gonna head off to work.
23:11Good night, Dad.
23:13Good night. Thanks.
23:19Damn!
23:26Uh-huh. Okay, thanks.
23:29Frasier just came in the building, so everybody hide and be quiet.
23:33Do you think he'd be surprised?
23:35Considering his birthday was yesterday, yeah, I do, Elizabeth.
23:40Should we yell, surprise or happy birthday?
23:44We've done this, like, 500 times.
23:47And every time it's pretty much the same.
23:49We yell, the person pretends to be surprised, and we stuff ourselves with cake.
23:53I just wanted it to be perfect.
23:56And that is what makes you so special to us.
24:02Now get under the console.
24:11Hi, Frasier. How you doing?
24:14Just wonderful.
24:1643 is off to a rousing start.
24:20Remember that policewoman I was interested in?
24:22Yeah.
24:23Well, she's dating my father.
24:28Your father?
24:30Well, never mind that. I know just what will take your mind off of it.
24:34I've got something really funny in my boot.
24:36Spent the last hour wandering the streets trying to take assessment of my life.
24:41Do you know how long it's been since I've slept with a woman?
24:43Seven months.
24:44Frasier?
24:45All right, nine months.
24:47I really don't think we should talk about that right now.
24:50Oh, sure, fine.
24:52You can't spare me five minutes to talk about my problems
24:55when every day I drop what I'm doing to be your personal wailing wall.
24:59Frasier, he's stopped calling me.
25:01Frasier, he wants his key back.
25:03Frasier, his girlfriend is having me followed.
25:09I'm sorry.
25:12I'm sorry.
25:17So, nine months, huh?
25:20Nine long, long months.
25:25You know who that woman was?
25:27Who?
25:28Edna from accounting.
25:29No.
25:31The next day she dumped me.
25:34I tell you what, I was starting to feel nostalgic for that summer in my twenties when I was impotent.
25:42The only comfort I have now is knowing that my humiliation can't possibly get any worse.
25:47Surprise!
25:58Hi, Edna.
26:01Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:04Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:08Oh, my.
26:10And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:13Well, maybe.
26:15But I got you pegged.
26:17Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:20But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:26But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:33They're calling again.
26:36Good night, everybody.