Are You Being Served - S07 E08 - The Punch and Judy Affair
The Gentlemen's and Ladies' departments become pariahs when they choose not to take part in a company-wide strike. In an attempt to regain favour, the departments stage a life-sized Punch and Judy show to entertain everyone. Mr Humphries directs, Mr Lucas and Miss Brahms play the title roles, Captain Peacock plays The Devil, Mr Goldberg plays the red cheeked butcher and Mrs Slocombe portrays a policewoman.
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00:00Good morning, Peter.
00:27Good morning, Jeremy.
00:28I'm afraid the cleaners are still on strike.
00:32I thought your people were coming in early to get the place cleared up.
00:35Oh, they're here already, sir.
00:37They're changing into suitable attire.
00:40Ah, good morning, Mr. Humboldt.
00:43Well done, Mr. Goldberg. That's the spirit.
00:46It's too bad, you know.
00:48They've nicked the vacuum cleaner.
00:51Well, just do the treads of the stairs.
00:54You can do the main carpet during the coffee break.
00:57And what are you going to do?
00:59Same as always. Tell us what to do.
01:02I shall take care of my own area.
01:21Captain Peacock, would you mind bistling in another direction?
01:27Mrs. Slocum, I'm a married man. I've seen it all before.
01:32Not at this time in the morning.
01:35Not from that angle.
01:37And not this one.
01:49Mr. Humphreys, take off that ridiculous scarf.
01:52But, Captain Peacock...
01:53Don't argue with me. Take it off.
01:56As you wish.
02:02I washed it first thing this morning and my hairdryer blew a fuse.
02:07If Mr. Humboldt sees that, he too will very likely blow a fuse.
02:17Mr. Humphreys, you're supposed to be cleaning the store, not doing an excerpt from Swan Lake.
02:28Oh, really, Mrs. Slocum, you shouldn't. It's only me.
02:33You're late, Mr. Lucas.
02:34Ah, yes. Well, I had trouble getting through the cleaner's picket line.
02:37They were exercising their democratic rights to explain their just grievances.
02:41I said I was sympathetic, but I needed the lolly.
02:43So what happened?
02:45The leader of the picket line took out her lipstick and sent you all this message.
02:53The rest of the girls said they were going to sign on the bottom, so I ran like hell.
02:58Quickly.
03:01Hold it!
03:09Hold it!
03:14Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Rumboldt will be down in a second. Now cover that up.
03:43Well done, everybody. You're all working very hard.
03:46Thank you, sir.
03:48Whose idea was that?
03:51Mr. Humphreys. He did it. On Captain Peacock's order.
03:56We have a serious situation in our hands. We have no time to fool around like schoolboys.
04:02Right, okay then, Warwick. Over your left hand down. Your left hand down.
04:06Come on, Warwick. Don't make about the noise.
04:08Right, now, level it up, Warwick. Go on here. There we are. How about that, then?
04:13Well, I'm glad to see that the maintenance department are not on strike.
04:17They are. We came out this morning.
04:20What are you doing here, then?
04:21We renegotiated ourselves as outside contractors at double pay.
04:27I wish we could do something about our money.
04:29You want to get a powerful shop still behind you.
04:32Show you how to flex your industrial muscles.
04:35We can all live in a dream world.
04:38Good day, Mr. Herman.
04:39This, sir, is the point-of-display model for the Bikie Briefs.
04:43For cycling shorts with a magic long-life gusset.
04:47Guaranteed for 100,000 gruelling miles.
04:52Plug it in, Warwick.
04:54Well, gather round, everybody, and pay attention.
04:57This is the Bikie Briefs model.
05:01You've probably heard that the latest sales theory has it
05:04that a moving display attracts the eye more than a static one.
05:09Does she have to have such big legs?
05:12To do 100,000 miles, you need big legs.
05:15Right, is everybody ready?
05:17Yes, sir. Switch out, Mr. Herman.
05:19Right. Well, you will note that the saddle is made of sandpaper.
05:23Now, this is to demonstrate that the Briefs will stand up to the roughest of well.
05:29I might almost point out that one day on this machine
05:33is the equivalent of going from here to Afghanistan.
05:44Oh, look, it's got a fifth gear.
05:46Leave it alone, Mr. Newman. Leave it alone.
06:00Ah. We're all here now, sir.
06:03Oh, good.
06:05I wanted to get you all together to let you know that the strike has been settled.
06:09Oh, thank goodness for that.
06:11Did all parties go to the conciliation department?
06:14No, no, that was our intention.
06:17Unfortunately, they too were on strike for better pay for arbitrators.
06:22However, young Mr. Grace did come up with a compromise.
06:26However, young Mr. Grace did come up with a compromise solution.
06:30He paid up.
06:34Now, the net result of all this is that they are all back at work.
06:38But the whole dispute has caused a lot of bad blood
06:42due to the fact that you crossed the picket lines.
06:45We didn't cross anything. We're fed up with stoppages everywhere.
06:49All we did was come to work and get on with the job.
06:52Yes. I didn't fight in the desert to support endless strikes.
06:57I bet those Germans are glad they lost. They'd be bankrupt by now.
07:03Well, the fact remains that young Mr. Grace would like to do something
07:07to restore the happy family atmosphere that Grace Brothers has always enjoyed.
07:12How does he propose to do that, sir?
07:15Well, we think it would be a good idea
07:17if there were to be a children's party for the offspring of members of the staff.
07:22How is that going to benefit us?
07:24Honey, that's the ingenious part, you see.
07:27Young Mr. Grace feels that you were the ones that broke the picket line.
07:31You should give the party.
07:33I don't want to speak out of turn,
07:35but wouldn't it be better if catering did it?
07:38Ah, they'll do the food.
07:40The food, of course, yes.
07:42But Mr. Grace is aware
07:44that certain members of my department are extremely versatile.
07:48Did he mention any names?
07:53Consequently, he feels that you should take on the task
07:56of actually amusing the children.
07:58Oh, you know the sort of thing.
08:00Ring of roses, oranges and lemons,
08:03pin the tail on the donkey.
08:06Yeah, or pin the ears on the monkey.
08:11All those sorts of things.
08:14I know that if you all sit down and put your heads together,
08:18you'll come up with an absolutely first-class afternoon
08:21of frolic and entertainment.
08:23But surely the strike's over.
08:25They've got the money. There can't be all that much bad blood.
08:29Did you order six teas for a departmental meeting?
08:33Thank you, Ivy.
08:35Catch!
08:37Oh!
08:39Catch!
08:43APPLAUSE
08:49Right, who's the boiled egg with the herring?
08:52I'm the herring.
08:54Here, I've only got the egg.
08:57Spaghetti, bollock, kneesy.
09:03Shepherds, chips and peas.
09:05Thanks.
09:09Where's the peas? Under that chip.
09:14Minute steak.
09:16Much obliged to you.
09:21Rissole.
09:23Blast it.
09:25Excuse me, I was the rissole.
09:28And I was the pasty.
09:32Place yourself.
09:37Excuse me, I suppose it's the wrong time to tell you
09:40I can't get the sauce out the bottle.
09:44Oh!
09:51Anything else?
09:53Not for a couple of years.
09:58He's going to have to be a hell of a good kids' party
10:01to sort this lot out.
10:03If she's going to be there,
10:05how about a game of blind man's buff on Beachy Head?
10:09I haven't been to a children's party since I was about five.
10:13Was that to celebrate your birthday or the relief of maffeking?
10:19We're all in this together. Now, please, that's enough.
10:22We must think of this from the children's point of view.
10:25Now, they've arrived.
10:27They've been given a balloon.
10:29They've had their tea with jellies and blancmange.
10:32With respect, Captain Peacock,
10:34kids today don't like blancmange.
10:37They want savouries and smoked salmon.
10:40They'll get what they're given.
10:42Yeah, even if we have to ram it down their throats.
10:46We must remember that we were all children once.
10:49You know, the bit I like best was sitting on my mother's knee.
10:54She used to tell me stories about fairies.
10:58I think it coloured my whole life.
11:02Even when me voice broke, I believed in Jack and the Beanstalk.
11:06One day, I threw me baked beans out the window.
11:10During the night, unbeknown to me,
11:12the GPO planted a great big telegraph pole.
11:16When I woke up, I couldn't believe me eyes.
11:19You thought it was a beanstalk, Mr Humphreys?
11:22There was no other explanation, Mr Lucas.
11:24I ran out in me pyjamas and started to climb it.
11:27And did you get to the enchanted land?
11:30No, but I struck up a nice friendship
11:32with a man in a peat cap and a pair of wire cutters.
11:37Hey, that's a good idea. We could act out a fairy story.
11:41What sort of fairy story?
11:43Well, how about Ali Baba?
11:46Now, that goes, um...
11:48Once upon a time, there was a cobbler...
11:50No, no, no, Miss Brahms, you're getting confused.
11:53There was 40 of them.
11:55Ali Baba and the 40 thieves.
11:57Oh, well, that's all right, then.
11:59Once upon a time, there was a lot of cobblers.
12:02Ah, I remember now.
12:05The thieves hide in the pots.
12:07Ali Baba pours boiling oil all over them
12:11and they all die in horrible agony.
12:15I don't think that comes under the heading
12:17of light-hearted entertainment.
12:19Couldn't we do Little Red Riding Hood?
12:22That's a nice story.
12:24Oh, yes, I recall that one.
12:26It's the story of a dear old lady
12:29who lives in a cottage in the woods.
12:31Now, one day, when she's waiting for her granddaughter
12:34to bring her some food,
12:36a wolf creeps in, leaps on the grandmother and eats her.
12:41Then, putting on the old lady's nightdress and bonnet,
12:45he climbs into bed to await the arrival of Little Red Riding Hood,
12:49bringing her grandmother supper.
12:51Oh, I like that one. It's got everything.
12:54Cannibalism, transvestism and meals on wheels.
13:00There must be something with a happy ending.
13:03Well, what about Mother Goose?
13:06The tragic story of an ugly old woman
13:09who finds a goose that lays golden eggs.
13:12And is she satisfied? Is she hell?
13:15She wants to be beautiful.
13:17Well, Mrs Slogan could play the first part.
13:22Perhaps we're being too ambitious.
13:24I mean, I don't ever remember going to a party
13:27where people acted fairy stories.
13:29The things that stood out in my mind
13:31were conjurers and clowns and Punch and Judy.
13:34You want a Punch and Judy, man? That costs money.
13:37It's a perfect art.
13:39Oh, what a shame. I love Punch and Judy.
13:43I've got an idea we could do.
13:45Punch and Judy, life-size.
13:48What exactly had you in mind, Mr Humphreys?
13:50Well, we could get a display to make us a big stage thing
13:54and we could all be the characters.
13:56Oh, yeah, I like that.
13:58But don't forget we'd need Dog Tooby
14:00sitting at the side, like his master's voice.
14:03If we can't get a dog,
14:05we could have Mrs Slogan's pussy on the side.
14:08So we could acquire a dog from the pet department.
14:12I'll have a word with Miss Hepburn.
14:14I thought you was off her
14:16since she shoved them two ferrets down your trousers.
14:19That was Miss Fennell from Soft Toys.
14:22Rumour has it you were banned from the department for a week.
14:25That's not true, Mr Lucas.
14:27Thank you, Mr Humphreys.
14:29You was banned for three days
14:31and Miss Fennell was moved to Novelty Candles
14:33to keep her out of mischief.
14:36Mind you, it didn't.
14:40Are we going to get a dog, aren't we?
14:42I will supply the dog.
14:44Perhaps we could get all the paraphernalia together
14:47and have a rehearsal next Thursday evening.
14:49Absolutely.
14:51I'll stay behind.
14:55Sit down, sit down.
14:57Mr Grace has just come round
14:59to make sure you're not being victimised by the catering staff.
15:02How's the lunch?
15:04Same as usual, sir.
15:06They are being victimised.
15:10And Mr Grace is absolutely delighted
15:13that you're going to put on a show for the children.
15:15Any ideas yet?
15:17We're going to do Punch and Judy and Magic.
15:20Magic, eh?
15:22It's funny, I was only discussing levitation
15:25with my nurse yesterday.
15:28Yes, I explained that if you see something rising
15:31without any visible means of support,
15:34well, it's all in the mind.
15:40It came as no surprise to me.
15:44Yeah, and Mr Grace used to be an amateur ventriloquist,
15:47didn't you, Mr Grace?
15:49Did I? Yeah.
15:51Well, don't you remember when you used to sit me on your knee
15:54and show me how you used to pull the strings?
15:57Oh, yes, my finger got caught up in your bra, didn't it?
16:02The kind of things that go on in that office.
16:05I know. It's like a senior citizen's Emanuel.
16:08Well, I must get back to it,
16:11whatever it is.
16:13You've all done very well.
16:15Oh, thank you, Mr Grace.
16:26Oi, get me a peacock.
16:28Mr Harman, how many times have I told you
16:31that maintenance personnel are not allowed on the floor
16:34during working hours?
16:36Oh, well, in that case, I presume you don't want to know nothing
16:39about the punching-duty apparatus and costumes
16:42that have arrived for your rehearsal tonight.
16:44Oh, that's a different matter.
16:46Bring them up in the goods lift and await my orders.
16:49Await your orders?
16:52Queen Victoria's dead, you know.
16:56You don't give me orders.
16:58I mean, if you want anything, you make a request,
17:01preferably with a smile lurking somewhere around your lips.
17:06And if you can't manage a smile, a little unsolicited gratuity.
17:15You chose to smile.
17:18I bet that came as a bit of a strain to you.
17:21I suppose you'll have your lips in a sling for the rest of the week now.
17:26Don't stand there gossiping, Captain Peacock.
17:29And Mr Harman shouldn't be on the floor.
17:31I keep telling him that, sir, but he will keep delaying me.
17:37I'll see you later, Stephen.
17:54That's lovely, Mr Peacock.
17:56Very nice, Mr Harman.
17:58And on the night we'll have plants and a palm or something.
18:01Very good, Miss Rumpfrey.
18:03Oh, haven't they done it nice?
18:06Yeah, the maintenance staff took 24 hours to do that.
18:10Oh, isn't it good of them to give their time?
18:14Well, it wasn't exactly time.
18:16It was time and a half.
18:19I only got paid for it.
18:25What's this for?
18:26Oh, Mr Bramble said he should have played the incidental music.
18:30Oh, he most certainly didn't ask for that.
18:33Ah, good, the piano's here.
18:41I've found some absolutely first-class Punch and Judy music.
18:50Mr Bramble!
18:52Mr Bramble!
18:54Mr Bramble!
18:57We haven't decided what we're going to do yet.
19:00Well, when the time comes, you can rely on me to play something appropriate.
19:04And if you don't like it, you only have to say.
19:08Thank you, Mr Bramble.
19:10Shall we all gather round?
19:12Mr Humphreys has been doing some research on the Punch and Judy story.
19:16Mr Humphreys, would you like to take the floor?
19:19Well, now, as you know, Punch and Judy is a traditional art form.
19:23It was first performed by the Comedie dell'Arte,
19:27who were a touring company in Italy in the 11th century.
19:30Mr Humphreys, I was hoping to get home tonight.
19:34Do you think we could skip a couple of centuries and get on to the plot?
19:39More important than that, who is going to be playing what?
19:42Well, now, let me see. We've got Punch, we've got Judy,
19:45we've got the butcher, we've got the devil, the policeman and the hangman.
19:52Punch is a clown and he's always in trouble.
19:55Oh, good part for you, Mr Locus.
19:59Now, which of you ladies would like to play Judy?
20:02A senior sales lady. I think I should play Judy.
20:06Judy is a young, innocent waif.
20:09You see yourself as a young, innocent waif?
20:14Well, it is make-believe.
20:18Not to the point of incredibility.
20:23Furthermore, Judy is madly in love with Punch, played by Mr Locus.
20:28You can have the part, Miss Brown.
20:32I don't have to kiss him, do I?
20:34It's only make-believe, Miss Brown.
20:36Yes, well, it will be.
20:40Now, can I need a pork butcher?
20:43Don't look at me.
20:46They're only make-believe sausages, Mr Goldberg.
20:49Would you describe it as a major role?
20:51I mean, I'll play it if it's not a small part.
20:54Well, you see, I need someone to frighten the children,
20:57so I've got you down as the devil, the hangman and the policeman.
21:02Just a minute. What about me?
21:05Well, all the ladies' parts have gone, Mrs Slocum.
21:08Well, couldn't I play a policewoman?
21:10They don't have policewomen. They only have policemen.
21:14Well, they have principal boys in pantomime,
21:17so I don't see why I shouldn't be a policeman.
21:20Well, that's reality right out of the window, but if you insist.
21:24I do insist.
21:25Well, let's get on, then.
21:27Just a minute. Where are the parts for us to read?
21:29There aren't any parts.
21:30Well, how do we know what to say?
21:32Well, I shall tell you the story,
21:34and you will improvise spontaneously on the theme.
21:38Yeah, and we have to use funny voices, don't we?
21:41You do, Miss Brahms, and yours will do very nicely.
21:47That's nice.
21:53If he's going to start that, I'm going home.
21:56I'm sorry, Miss Brahms.
22:00I was just getting my trident ready.
22:04Right, now, somebody open the curtains, please.
22:07That's right. Now, where's Mr Punch?
22:10Punch!
22:12Oh, nice.
22:19Now is the winter of our discontent.
22:25Mr Lucas, will you stop messing about, please?
22:27Now, you're Mr Punch. Now, come along.
22:29Jaws.
22:34Very funny, Miss Ellington. Very funny indeed.
22:37Now, come along, please.
22:39Mr Punch, up!
22:57Very good, Mr Lucas. That's very nice indeed.
23:04Mr Rumpel!
23:07Mr Rumpel!
23:10Mr Rumpel!
23:12Not yet.
23:13If you don't like it, you only have to say.
23:16Oh, it's not a question of not liking it.
23:19It's just a question of not yet.
23:28Grouching down here is doing my back in.
23:31Mrs Slocum, why are you wearing a funny nose?
23:34Because I'm a funny policeman.
23:37You are not a funny policeman.
23:39You're making a mockery of the whole thing.
23:42You're supposed to frighten the children.
23:44They cheer Punch and Judy and they hate you.
23:51Why should they hate me?
23:52Because you keep bashing Mr Punch over the head with your truncheon.
23:56Oh, well, that's some consolation.
24:01I think Mrs Slocum should take her lipstick off as well.
24:04I mean, who's ever seen a policeman wearing lipstick?
24:07Oh, yeah. Mind you, the circumstances were entirely different.
24:12Excuse me.
24:14These sausages, they're more like chipolatas.
24:17Will it make any difference to the plot?
24:19I don't think so, Mr Goldberg.
24:22Mr Goldberg.
24:23Yes?
24:24The pork butcher's supposed to have a funny nose. Where is it?
24:26I couldn't get it on.
24:31Right, where's Judy?
24:33Here I am.
24:35Here, I've got a bone to pick.
24:37I'm supposed to have a baby, aren't I?
24:39That's right, Miss Brown.
24:40Yeah, well, they didn't have none in toys
24:42and all they had was a factory reject chimpanzee.
24:46Look.
24:50Hang on, just a minute, just a minute.
24:51I don't want to be difficult,
24:52but if she's supposed to be an innocent young girl,
24:55how come she's got a baby?
24:56We won't go into that at the moment.
24:59You're the father.
25:00Oh, a shame, a shame, a shame.
25:03He looks like a chimpanzee.
25:05Get off!
25:10Mr Rambo!
25:15Mr Rambo, Mr Rambo!
25:17That was monkey music.
25:19I know.
25:21Not yet.
25:22Never.
25:25Let's take it right from the top of the show
25:28and I will tell you the story.
25:30Now, there's Punch.
25:31He's madly in love with Judy
25:33and he kisses her goodbye
25:35because he's going off to buy some sausages.
25:37Now, come along.
25:38Kiss her goodbye.
25:39Oh, goodbye, Judy.
25:41I'm going to buy the sausages.
25:45Give us a kiss.
25:53Oh, get off!
25:55Get off!
25:57Now, you haven't got any money.
25:59Oh, shame, I've got no money, I've got no money.
26:05So, the devil pops up and he says,
26:07Mr Punch, why don't you steal the sausages?
26:11Right, now, off you go, off you go to the butcher's.
26:14Oh, I've got no money, I've got no money.
26:19Mr Punch, Mr Punch, why don't you steal the sausages?
26:23You're not going to say it like that.
26:28You're supposed to be evil.
26:30Now, improvise.
26:32Yes, well...
26:35Listen to me, Punch.
26:36Aye, Billy Speedy.
26:38The world is divided into the haves and the have-nots.
26:42Now, you are a have-not.
26:44Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
26:46Go, get the hence to the butcher
26:48and steal the sausages
26:50and you will become a have.
26:55Oh, stop it!
26:58What's he doing that for?
27:00He's an accessory before the fact.
27:04Don't hit him there.
27:07Get off!
27:09Now, Mr Punch is strolling along the street.
27:14Oh, strolling.
27:21Rumble!
27:24Mr Rumble!
27:29Not yet.
27:33Right, now.
27:42Go and knock at the butcher's door.
27:44Right, off you go.
27:46Knock at the butcher's door.
27:48And steal the sausages.
28:01What do you want?
28:02Sausages.
28:06Get in the queue.
28:08Well, I...
28:10What are you doing?
28:11What are you doing there?
28:12Oh, you didn't get in the queue.
28:14There isn't a queue.
28:16What do you mean, there isn't a queue?
28:18Do you think I'm running an unsuccessful shop?
28:22There is no queue.
28:24As you wish, Mr Humphreys.
28:26Right, now.
28:27Steal the sausages.
28:29Oh, I'm going to steal the sausages.
28:31Oh, I'm going to steal the sausages.
28:33Oh, I'm...
28:34Oh, Mr Rumble!
28:36Oh, I'm going to steal.
28:38I'm stealing the sausages.
28:40Hey, give me back the sausages.
28:42Give me back the sausages.
28:44Give me back the sausages.
28:46Give me back the sausages.
28:48Stop it! What are you doing?
28:52You're stealing sausages.
28:54And if I'm a policeman,
28:56I'm not going to stand by and watch you pinch sausages.
28:59You don't see him pinch them,
29:01because your attention is diverted
29:03by a burglar on the roof of the town hall.
29:05Well, where's that?
29:06Over there.
29:09Stop it! Stop it!
29:12Get back to the police station.
29:15Right, now. Steal the sausages again.
29:17Oh, I'm going to steal the sausages again.
29:23Give me back the sausages.
29:26I'm not going on.
29:28How can I steal them if he won't let go of them?
29:32You want me to stand by idle
29:35while he pinches a pan of my best chipolatas
29:38and I've got a good customer waiting for them?
29:41Mr. Goldberg! Mr. Goldberg!
29:43Please, don't get carried away with your role.
29:47It's only make-believe.
30:07I am sorry, Mr. Humphreys.
30:09You're very insensitive of me.
30:12I know how deeply you feel
30:14and I think you're doing a wonderful job.
30:17I didn't want the job in the first place.
30:19They're all so temperamental.
30:22You only have to tell me when.
30:24I know.
30:25And if you don't like it, you only have to say.
30:28I know.
30:30Excuse me.
30:33Ah!
30:41I'm much better now.
30:43I had no idea you could be so kind and understanding.
30:47You've given me the strength to carry on.
30:50Excuse me.
30:51Right, we'll go from the top now.
30:54Mr. Punch, where's Judy?
30:56He's saying goodbye to Judy.
30:58You kiss her goodbye because you're going to steal the sausages.
31:01Now, come along. Let's all get together.
31:03Goodbye, Judy. I'm going to steal the sausages again.
31:07Here, give us a kiss.
31:10Ah!
31:11Oh, get off! What are you doing that for?
31:14Let me get this right.
31:16Get off!
31:24Ah!
31:32Ah!
31:36Judy!
31:39Ah!
31:41Ah!
31:45Ah!
31:48Ah!
31:49Ah!
31:54Ah!
31:57Ah!
31:58Ah!
32:29Tape!
32:30Ha ha!
32:31Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
32:34Tape!
32:37Tape!
32:40Tape!
32:46Ha, ha, ha, ha!
32:56Tape!
32:58Who would ever think they'd turn out this way?
33:01I thought we'd be like we were, perfect in every way.
33:08What's the matter with kids today?
33:28I thought we'd be like we were, perfect in every way.
33:56I thought we'd be like we were, perfect in every way.
34:24I thought we'd be like we were, perfect in every way.