First broadcast 6th June 2018.
Jon Richardson
Nish Kumar
Desiree Burch
Richard Gadd
Sam Simmons
Mark Stevenson
Jon Richardson
Nish Kumar
Desiree Burch
Richard Gadd
Sam Simmons
Mark Stevenson
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Thank you so much for having me.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:35Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worry,
00:37the show that so neatly combines my passions for stressing and filing
00:40that I have to strap myself to my inner thigh
00:42so you can't tell exactly how excited I am to be here.
00:46Here's where my worries live. This is my worry index.
00:49Every worry in it has been categorised and ranked
00:52following decades of thorough analysis.
00:54Anything you see that's red is what I've classified as a severe worry.
00:58The orange ones are moderate worries
01:00and anything I consider to be a low worry is spearmint.
01:05Let's take a closer look at a couple of them,
01:07starting with a low worry such as this one.
01:09I worry that there is too much bad music.
01:12Let's be honest, there's too much music.
01:14Full stop, we've got all the good music we need
01:16so we can stop wasting our time making more
01:18and get on with more important stuff.
01:20You're never going to play the guitar as well as Mark Knopfler
01:22so put the frigging thing down and do your recycling.
01:25Just so you realise quite how much music there is,
01:27we're currently up to now 98
01:29and hopefully the next album will be called Now Stop This, Please.
01:34As I say, that's a low worry.
01:35There are far more severe ones such as this one.
01:38I worry that there's too much good TV.
01:40I'm concerned I've fallen so far behind with box sets I want to watch
01:44that TV is now being made faster than I can watch it.
01:47In fact, I'm so sure that Donald Trump will bring about the end of days
01:49before I get to see that Breaking Bad episode
01:51everyone wanks on about with the fly.
01:54I think I'd better start watching The Walking Dead
01:56in case I can pick up any survival tips.
01:59Well, that's a glimpse into what's already in the Worry Index.
02:01Tonight we'll be logging some brand new ones,
02:03all of which are related to a particular theme
02:05and tonight that theme is humanity.
02:07Humanity, of course, encompasses every single one of us
02:10from the very best to the very worst,
02:12from David Attenborough to David Cameron,
02:14from Maggie Smith to Maggie Thatcher,
02:16from Nick Nolte to Nick Knowles.
02:19Before we crack on with tonight's show,
02:21please welcome my guests Desiree Birch and Nish Kumar.
02:24APPLAUSE
02:38Thanks for coming.
02:39So, Nish, you're here because, as a worrier,
02:41I know that you and I share a similar trait,
02:43which is an ability to manifest our worries,
02:46not just emotionally but also physically...
02:48Yeah, absolutely, yeah. ..for our bodies to react the same way.
02:50And I know that on the day of the Brexit result,
02:53border controls exiting Nish Kumar
02:55were not as strict as they might have been.
02:57There was a free movement of faeces out of my body via my anus.
03:04You triggered Charticle 50.
03:08People always think that I'm making this up,
03:10but I was stressed about the result
03:13and I was stressed about...
03:15I'm trying to not give away my political opinion,
03:18but I am concerned my anus has already blown the story wide open.
03:24I was worried about the way that the result was going to go
03:28and when I woke up, I got up and saw the result
03:32and then immediately...
03:33Like, I don't mean later that day,
03:35I literally mean, we have left the European...
03:37Like that.
03:38It was panic and, let me tell you, it was not hard Brexit.
03:46Desiree, you are a worry that is already on my list.
03:49So I filed away a Desiree Birch-related worry a while ago
03:52and it was this one.
03:54Thanks to Desiree Birch,
03:55I worry I can never look at another human face the same way again.
03:58I'll be honest, that sounds a lot harsher than it's meant to.
04:00It's a reaction to one of your show posters.
04:03So this is a poster for one of your shows.
04:06Perhaps you could explain what's happening there.
04:08Well, you either see it or I'm going to have to explain it to you
04:12because when I showed it to my friends who were married,
04:15my friend was like, oh, this is an interesting painting.
04:18I don't know, it kind of scares me.
04:19And then her husband walked in and was like,
04:21ah, bunch of knobs, and then walked out.
04:23It is a collection of all of the dick pics that I received over my life
04:28as every woman has those.
04:30And I know you were sent these unsolicited.
04:32That's a worry all of its own that this is happening in society.
04:35But just for the two guys whose penises are the same colour as your lipstick,
04:42I would advise them to see some sort of medical advisor.
04:45Immediately.
04:46So here's how the show works.
04:48I've got some new humanity-based worries for the Worry Index.
04:50I want you two to help me decide exactly how worried I should be about each one.
04:54So here is our first worry for the night.
04:57I worry that the apocalypse will be a bit dull.
05:01I mean, given how you've reacted to Brexit,
05:03I'm terrified of what would happen to your family in the face of full armageddon.
05:07The concern is based on the idea that I think when you see the apocalypse
05:10portrayed in films, it's always quite a huge, dynamic event.
05:13I think from what reading I've done,
05:15I think it's going to be a slower, more tedious affair than that.
05:18I think the end of Bees is possibly going to bring about the end of the world.
05:23Not necessarily a film we're all going to flock to see.
05:27World War B there, starring Buzz Pitt.
05:30You can sort of map out the film.
05:32Initially, you'd have some people in an office and someone says,
05:35can you hear that? Someone says, I can't hear anything.
05:37Exactly. There's no buzzing.
05:39That's the sort of start.
05:41Then you always get that scene in a film where the news sort of goes around the world.
05:44So like in Independence Day, you see the different buildings being blown up,
05:47presumably the Greeks would be the first to go here.
05:50The baklava is dry.
05:54Go around the world until we get to Scotland, who remain unaffected.
05:58I take salt in my porridge, pal. This'll never happen to me!
06:03But from what I've looked at, all the key sort of potential ends of the world,
06:07and I just don't think they're likely to happen in an exciting way.
06:10So this is the asteroid-based end of the world.
06:15There is an asteroid called 2013 TV135.
06:19Catchy name for a potential world ender.
06:21I think if something's going to end the world,
06:24we shouldn't call it something like 2013 TV135,
06:27we should call it the fucker or something like that.
06:30NASA has spotted an asteroid which it predicts has a 99.998% chance of missing Earth.
06:38It's not quite enough nines, is it?
06:41Don't get me wrong, those are good odds.
06:43If someone told me I had that chance to win the lottery, I'd buy a ticket.
06:46But when you're talking about the end of the Earth, yeah, it's 99.998.
06:51I feel like we've had our go.
06:53The reality is if the world ends, it's probably going to be because it's something we've done.
06:57I saw this documentary about they're investigating planets and other solar systems
07:02that might have a similar, like, ecosystem to ours.
07:05I don't think we should get it.
07:06No, cos we'll screw it up too.
07:08If I take a shit in my sink...
07:11Which you will do.
07:12Which I will do.
07:14It's a statistical inevitability given my body's response to difficult news.
07:20But I can't then just ring my landlord up and be like,
07:22I want a new house.
07:23That's not how anything works.
07:26Well, grab your toilet roll, I have bad news for you.
07:30It's on a collision course that will take it past Earth in 2032,
07:34so a matter of some 14 years away.
07:36This is the map of it missing Earth.
07:39And to point out what we're looking at here,
07:41here's the Sun, here's Mercury and Venus, here's Earth,
07:44and there's it missing the Earth.
07:47Yeah, I'll be honest, that's a bit fucking close for my taste.
07:50If that was a cyclist and this was my wing mirror, I'd go,
07:53ooh, careful, mate!
07:57The fact that that's going to happen in 2032 basically means
08:00there's somebody at NASA just watching a computer
08:02who's going to spend the next 14 years going,
08:04ooh!
08:10So an asteroid is not going to happen, it's a dull end to the world.
08:13And people are one possible end to the planet, overpopulation.
08:18That's according to Professor Stephen Hawking,
08:20who said last year that the end of the world will come by 2600,
08:23and overpopulation is the thing that's most likely to cause it.
08:27He says it will create an unsustainable amount of energy consumption.
08:30That is a terrifying thought, just too many people.
08:33Well, too many people and also not enough space for the resources
08:37to sustain those people at the level that we have it now.
08:40The only positive I can see is just the bleakness
08:43of Giles Brandreth's one-show segments.
08:45If we're in an overpopulated world, just...
08:47And now Giles Brandreth will ask the question,
08:49is your child slowing you down?
08:51And how many meals can you get out of a rat?
08:56I think this one might be the hardest thing to convince people out of doing.
09:00I think we are slowly moving to a system
09:02where people do accept we need to use less plastics and recycle more.
09:07But this last one is going to be the ultimate Rubicon to be like,
09:10you need to have less sex with each other.
09:13No, you don't need to have less sex, you need to pull out more.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:18So easy!
09:20Keep the world for people who are here now, all right?
09:24Pull out, get it on the hotel walls.
09:26Fine.
09:28No harm, no foul.
09:32Every time I put a black light on a hotel wall,
09:34what I'm looking at there is not sexual indiscretion, it's heroes.
09:39I'm willing to do my part and push you right on.
09:45That's not all on you.
09:47Even if I'm having sex with my wife, you'll just burst in.
09:50Desiree Birch, freelance sex pusher.
09:54No, not in the way you'd like.
09:57So Stephen Hawking believes we should be worried about overpopulation.
10:00Someone who has a different opinion is Sam Simmons.
10:03But whose opinion do you value the most,
10:05the world's foremost theoretical scientist
10:07or an Australian guy with a beard?
10:09You decide.
10:11Yes, John.
10:13Hi, Sam Simmons here reporting to you live
10:15from Ultimate Warrior from the beautiful, magnificent Australian bush.
10:18Today I'm going to be talking to you about overpopulation
10:21and the positive aspects thereof.
10:23Here's some facts.
10:25More people means less food, less food means less fatties,
10:28less fatties means more sexy situation.
10:30The views expressed in this item are those of Sam Simmons
10:32and do not represent the views of Dave the Channel.
10:34Hey, you look really sexy. Thanks. I've got famine.
10:37Oh, really? What's that?
10:39Oh, it just means I'm really sexy and horn-gry.
10:41What's horn-gry? That means I'm horny and hungry.
10:44Then if you add some global warming to that,
10:46that's going to mean way hotter weather.
10:48Way hotter weather means less clothing,
10:50less clothing means sexier situations.
10:53In fact, we've got the baby boomers to thank directly for global warming.
10:56You see, they've actually created global warming
10:58so they can retire somewhere warm.
11:00They just want to make the entire planet Earth one giant Benidorm
11:03or a giant Canary Island sex festival.
11:05Dave would like to apologise for any offence caused by this item.
11:08And don't worry if you're an ugly,
11:09because everyone's going to become less sexually competitive
11:11because there's way too many ugly people
11:13and there's a lot of people who are way better at sexy stuff than you.
11:15Does that make sense? We're really sorry.
11:17It's plain old boring reality-based science.
11:20More people means less space, less space and more proximity to other people.
11:25I mean, this is just a win-win for humanity
11:27because the more sexy situations, you're making more people.
11:31You're making more people in sexy situations.
11:40Sam Simmons, who was paid good money to investigate overpopulation,
11:44seems to have taken his phone into his garden for ten minutes.
11:48How do you think you would fare in a sort of overpopulated,
11:51near-apocalypse society?
11:53Immediate death.
11:54Immediate death?
11:55Yeah, but I don't think I would have survived, like, 200 years ago.
11:58Like, I've got all the makings of someone
12:00who should have been naturally selected out.
12:03I've no useful skill.
12:04I can't, like, I can't cook or mend or even, like, complete lists.
12:09Like, it's all terrible.
12:11You sort of realise that I can only function in this society
12:14because sarcasm is now a job.
12:17The minute we go back to, like,
12:19did you plant many seeds today, John?
12:21No, but I did have a withering observation about barley.
12:25We move on to the final, and if you read the papers,
12:28the most likely end for humanity, which is the nuclear missile.
12:32I don't know how you feel about the onset of nuclear dawn.
12:35Sounds awful.
12:36I'm here to tell you that, actually, it's quite easy to survive
12:39and it can be quite a chipper situation to endure.
12:42Here is a safety information clip from the people of Ventura County
12:46on how to survive a nuclear dawn.
12:52BOOM!
12:58Oh no, it's blown, the cloud is in the sky.
13:01Don't run, no fun, you've got to get inside.
13:04You don't need to be scared, you don't need to be loud.
13:07Cos you can survive even a mushroom cloud.
13:09If you want to feel OK, gotta do what I say.
13:14So get inside and stay inside.
13:17Stay tuned, stay tuned to the news.
13:20If you want to be OK, gotta do what I say.
13:25So get inside and stay inside.
13:28Stay tuned, stay tuned to the news.
13:31Get inside, stay inside, stay tuned.
13:35For more information on how you can survive a nuclear explosion,
13:38visit us on the web at readyventuracounty.org.
13:45There's another trick to telling people to go inside.
13:47It's probably less about the safest thing to do
13:50and more about a government that, in a nuclear meltdown,
13:52doesn't want people charging around the streets.
13:54They're basically saying, get back in your house,
13:57pop a hat on with your name on it,
13:59go and dig a nuclear fallout shelter and you're gone.
14:02About six foot deep, that's all it needs to be.
14:04Jump inside the wooden safety box we're going to send you
14:07and nail that shot and then you'll definitely be fine.
14:10Definitely don't go to the nearest Walmart and take all of that stuff.
14:14Oh, God, yeah, don't do any looting, you'll be fine.
14:16The telly will still be on, so just watch the news.
14:19So we're going to log this worry now, we're going to put it on the list.
14:22I worry that the apocalypse will be a bit dull.
14:24So these are my currently filed worries.
14:26So down here we have the sort of lower worries,
14:28like holiday friends and precision packing.
14:30Yeah.
14:31Then we move up to biting fingernails, home-cooked meals and Google.
14:34Obviously, odd smells.
14:35Odd smells and segues, right up there with the breadcrumbs.
14:38I think it's at least as worrying as cruises.
14:41As worrying as cruises, but not as worrying as disco dancing?
14:44Oh, no, obviously not as worrying as disco dancing.
14:46Yeah, so it sort of feels like this is the natural home for it then.
14:49Between cruises and disco dancing, let's file that one away.
14:51A boring apocalypse.
14:57So that's it for this part.
14:58I'm going to go and find out if I've got enough hand sanitiser
15:01and cardigans stockpiled for the afterlife.
15:03I'll see you after the break.
15:15APPLAUSE
15:20Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
15:22where tonight we're looking at humanity.
15:24Let's take a look at my next humanitarian worry.
15:27I worry what the next step in human evolution will be.
15:30Up until this point, it's been brilliant.
15:32I sort of feel like this is probably as good as it's going to get
15:35and that we are now the shittiest group of people of all time.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:39It's pretty much downhill from here in terms of evolution.
15:42Come on, what about the X-Men?
15:44We have to, like, be around nuclear waste for that to happen to any of us.
15:48Have you seen who's president of your country, Desiree?
15:51LAUGHTER
15:53I thought you managed to word that as if she did it.
15:56Have you seen what you did a couple of years ago?
15:59Well, one of the aspects I'm most worried about of human evolution
16:04is the physical changes that we will undergo
16:06as a result of the next few hundred years.
16:08So to find out how our bodies might look in the future,
16:10we sent Richard Gad to investigate.
16:13When asked to do a report on the future of human evolution,
16:16I said, John, just get me on the main show!
16:19But when he said no, I said, fine.
16:22Human evolution, just where will we end up?
16:25Forked tongues, five penises, five tongues, forked penises.
16:30Should we be worried?
16:32After all, evolutionary anomalies can occur.
16:34Look at the duck-billed platypus, the flying fish, Katie Hopkins.
16:39To assuage my worries about our future,
16:41I thought I should speak to an expert.
16:44I'm here with neuroscientist and evolutionary expert Dean Burnett.
16:48Dean-o, thanks very much for being with us today.
16:50Can I call you Dean-o?
16:51I'd rather you didn't.
16:53No worries.
16:55This report will be conducted in two parts.
16:57The first will be here with Dean, where he will enlighten us
17:00with his knowledge about how we as humans are likely to evolve in the future.
17:04And here in the second part, I'm in Ealing at a mortuary,
17:08where I will take Dean's information and upgrade my body to become an evolved human.
17:13Just how well equipped will the man of tomorrow be in our world of today?
17:18Oh, fuck.
17:20So, Dean-o, let's start at the top.
17:22What's the first thing that's going to change about our bodies in the future of human evolution?
17:27Given that currently we're living in a climate and environment of abundant food,
17:31and as a result we can grow to our full biological potential,
17:35over time you'd expect to see people getting taller.
17:38So what will happen to our limbs in the future?
17:40It depends on what we end up using them for.
17:42We use them a lot now for interacting with technology.
17:45Over time, if it becomes a sort of key part of our survival,
17:47then we get an extra finger, or maybe a longer finger.
17:50It's funny you say that, because I think thanks to computers,
17:52my right arm has never been stronger.
17:55In fact, I actually see my evolutionary future as having one big sort of crab-like strong arm.
18:00Oh, OK, fair enough.
18:02Yes.
18:04Will we experience any hair loss?
18:06That's sort of something that's happened over time, in that we've lost all our body hair.
18:10Will our memory be affected?
18:11Potentially, yes.
18:13So, smaller memory?
18:15Smaller head?
18:16Not really, no.
18:17But there would be probably a reduction to some degree?
18:19Not necessarily, no.
18:21But I mean, for comic purposes, it might get slightly smaller.
18:24That would be a lot of effort for a single joke.
18:28It would be, yes.
18:31Hard power?
18:34Argh!
18:55All right, let's see how much better I am at shopping.
19:02Now, the long fingers.
19:04Not sure how effective they are.
19:06Well, so far, bitterly disappointed.
19:09A lot of leaning on walls as an evolved human.
19:11Hello!
19:13There you are, that's handy.
19:15I'd have had to ask somebody to get them down for me.
19:18Croissants?
19:21Can't open them.
19:22Lemon cake?
19:23Can't open it.
19:24Tiramisu?
19:26Don't like it.
19:28Oh!
19:29Jaffa cakes?
19:30You know, the fingers fall off in an evolved human.
19:32Hope we learn how to grow them back.
19:34Let's get ourselves a lottery ticket, I'm feeling lucky.
19:37Oh, shit!
19:38Oh!
19:39Oh!
19:40Oh!
19:41Oh!
19:42OK.
19:43So it is clear that being evolved comes with its own drawbacks,
19:46especially if you try and cheat it like I have done today.
19:49I suppose that's why they call it evolution,
19:51because it's a gradual process,
19:53like baking bread or trying to emotionally connect with my son.
19:57So where we end up is anyone's guess, really.
19:59It's just a shame we won't be around to see it take place.
20:02I've been Richard Gere for Ultimate Warrior
20:04and I'm never going to clingfilm my head again.
20:11Thanks, Richard.
20:14So that is a chilling glimpse, I think, into the future evolution.
20:18How do you feel about your genes being passed down the line?
20:22Oh, big shake of the heads.
20:24There is no reason for this to go any further.
20:30I'm not sure that I have any qualities that I would want to pass down.
20:33I just worry that I'd be creating another completely useless human being.
20:37What sort of... How many dates in before you say to a potential partner,
20:40oh, by the way, there is no need for this to go any further?
20:44It's the top line of my Tinder bio, John.
20:47Well, now, wait a second.
20:49So how are your parents? Are they useless as well, or great?
20:52Oh, delightful. No, no, no. Delightful, competent...
20:54Because usually it has that skip-a-generation thing,
20:56where it's like your kids would be a reaction to you
20:59and they would be totally useful because they're like,
21:01Dad's a waste of space.
21:03Like, let's go out and make something up.
21:06So you should totally have kids.
21:08So what you're saying is I'm so useless
21:10that my kids might be the next Gandhi?
21:13Yeah, they would have to do something.
21:15Out of embarrassment of having come from you,
21:17they will achieve wonderful things.
21:21One of the things that we have is a tailbone
21:23that sort of goes back to having a tail
21:25and supposedly have evolved not to need a tail before,
21:28with the exception of this photo which I'm about to show you,
21:31which is genuinely one of the most obsessive things...
21:33Whoa!
21:35What is that?
21:37I'll tell you what that is. That is correct use of a tailbone.
21:40Who took that photo? Is it still out?
21:45Here's another body part that they say men may get rid of.
21:48This is a man without nipples.
21:50That's a face that says,
21:52I'm not angry, I just want them back.
21:57I love the fact that he's left his watch on.
21:59It looks like the worst Rolex ad of all time.
22:03I call those pictures a tail and two titties.
22:08One thing that might happen as a result of evolution
22:10is not how we come to cope with life on this Earth,
22:13but I know you're against this,
22:15but were we to move to another planet and colonise that,
22:18there is a theory that the next step in evolution
22:20will be as a result of adaptations needed to cope
22:24in a different environment.
22:26So Dr Alan Kwan is a genealogist.
22:28He predicts that we may have larger nostrils.
22:32That's for easier breathing in off-planet environments.
22:35Denser hair to contain heat loss from a larger head.
22:39Perhaps most noticeably, he says eyes will grow unnervingly large.
22:43Unnervingly large eyes.
22:45So you're basically talking about an anime version of black people.
22:51This is like super flying to space.
22:55Well, we have a picture of both of you adapted to cope with...
22:59Oh my God!
23:02There we go.
23:03Amazing.
23:04What do you make of that?
23:05I feel like I could get more dates with that picture than I am now.
23:09I think you're getting enough dick pics, to be honest with you.
23:12Perhaps we should share them around a little bit.
23:16Next evolution is staying on Earth but adapting technologies
23:20so that we use technology not only without our bodies
23:23but we have it implanted within us and we become cyborgs.
23:27Fancy becoming a cyborg?
23:29Oh, God, no.
23:30I want to stay like the pure, imperfect failure of humanity that I am.
23:34I mean, the first sort of evolution is getting, like,
23:37Bluetooth inside of our brains, you know?
23:39And so people will just be walking around and be like,
23:42constantly talking to themselves.
23:44So you will have to just be like,
23:45oh, they're not talking to me, they're not talking to me.
23:47And at some point, if someone makes actual human contact with you,
23:50you'll be like, police!
23:52It'll be so frightening.
23:54You took that very well, by the way.
23:56He hears this all the time.
23:58Just people screaming police.
24:00In fairness, I've been to an airport since 2001.
24:05There are cyborgs. They're out there today.
24:07They're Walker Morris.
24:09Neil Harbison has set up a community known as the Cyborg Foundation,
24:13and here he is.
24:14Neil Harbison was born completely colorblind.
24:17And while Neil still can't see color,
24:19a device called the iBoard allows him to hear and sense colors.
24:24It picks up the dominant color in front of me,
24:26and then it transposes this frequency of light into the frequency of sound,
24:30so it's related to the frequency of light.
24:32It's not an arbitrary relation.
24:35This light frequency has a specific note,
24:38which is the note that I hear, but a few octaves lower,
24:41so it's in the audible range.
24:44My head was drilled four times so that I could have the antenna integrated.
24:48So it goes inside my skull, so I actually feel cyborg.
24:51I feel that even if I touch the antenna, I feel it's like a part of my body.
24:55It really feels like a new body part.
24:57There's no way of removing it.
25:00So just like other animals, they have antennas.
25:03I decided that I would have an antenna as well.
25:06Don't pull on it, mate!
25:08Yeah.
25:09Every time you go, don't pull the freaking thing!
25:12So there he is.
25:13He has an antenna implanted so that he can hear color as a tonal sound,
25:17which I imagine must be an absolute nightmare.
25:19Especially if he looks at himself in the mirror,
25:21because given what he was wearing, I imagine he just goes,
25:23Ah!
25:25So here to discuss the future of mankind,
25:27please welcome futurist and kind man, Mark Stephenson!
25:31APPLAUSE
25:39What would you say is the future of human evolution?
25:42Well, I think that's hard to answer,
25:44but the next stage will certainly be the emerging of technology with humans,
25:48and the first place we're going to see that is in sport.
25:51So you're already seeing Paralympians outperforming Olympians.
25:54So, for instance, Marcus Rem, Paralympian, long jumper,
25:57was banned from the Able Boyd Olympics in Rio
25:59because they said he had an unfair advantage.
26:01So that means we'll probably have to have a third Olympics.
26:03There'll be the Paralympics, the Olympics,
26:05and the Anything Goes Rocket Pack Olympics.
26:07Holy shit, that sounds incredible.
26:09So are you suggesting there would come a time
26:12when I would have my leg replaced by a prosthetic
26:16that would allow me to do more?
26:18Well, you might.
26:19A taller one would be nice, just a couple more inches on it.
26:22So Hugh Hare is the bionics professor at MIT.
26:24He lost his legs in a climbing accident.
26:26He now has these amazing prosthetic bionic legs
26:28which allow him to run and jump and do all sorts of things.
26:30And if you say to Hugh, do you want your old legs back?
26:32He goes, no, because I'll be running around like an 18-year-old when I'm 80.
26:35I can upgrade these. These are immortal.
26:37I was speaking to another person who had prosthetic legs,
26:40and they said, well, if I want to play basketball,
26:42I'll just strap on a taller pair.
26:44So what does that mean?
26:46I still can't get over an 80-year-old man running around at speed,
26:50just like...
26:52But, like, the bottom part of him just speeding out.
26:57Playing basketball gets to the hoop.
26:59Can't remember why I jumped.
27:04What does that mean for the future of sort of...
27:06We discussed genetics and passing genes down.
27:08Presumably when limbs become a sort of irrelevance,
27:11it doesn't matter how we evolve in that sense.
27:14There are two sort of tracks.
27:16One is we merge with machinery and become...
27:18The other is we actually start to hack our own machinery,
27:20the machinery of the human,
27:22and hack the genetics so that you can do different things.
27:24For instance, salamanders.
27:26You can chop a salamander's limb off and it will regrow.
27:28Now, we're pretty sure all the genetic switches
27:30are still inside the human body to be able to do that.
27:32So if we can reprogram ourselves,
27:34if you have an accident, you might be able to regrow a limb.
27:36That would be absolutely incredible.
27:38That would change everything.
27:40But unfortunately, because I know humans well enough,
27:42the first thing that that would be used for
27:44is for a guy to have a second dick.
27:46Yep.
27:48We all thought it.
27:50And the other thing that's happening at the moment
27:52is we're 3D printing human organs as well.
27:54At the moment? Yeah.
27:56I can't print gig tickets.
27:58LAUGHTER
28:00APPLAUSE
28:06I found that absolutely fascinating.
28:08Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for helping, Mark Stevenson!
28:10APPLAUSE
28:12So let's put that worry inside the worry index.
28:14I worry what the next step in human evolution will be.
28:16Very rarely you have a guest who so comprehensively
28:18chills you out about a topic.
28:20And I'll be honest, it was sort of red for me
28:22after the Richard Gad nonsense.
28:24I actually find it quite exciting now.
28:26Yeah.
28:28For me, it's above tickling.
28:30LAUGHTER
28:32So I guess it's going to have to go
28:34between birth control and tourist hotspots.
28:36There we go.
28:38APPLAUSE
28:40That's it for part two.
28:42I'm off now to tidy up the newsagent
28:44that Richard Gad destroyed,
28:46so we'll see you after these important messages.
28:48APPLAUSE
29:06Welcome back to Alternate Warrior,
29:08where tonight we are looking at worries
29:10exclusively to do with humanity.
29:12And it's time now to harvest some new worries from my guests.
29:14So, Desiree, do you have a worry for the index?
29:16Yeah.
29:18I'm not worried about aliens in general.
29:20I think that...
29:22LAUGHTER
29:24That's a great opening!
29:26Not a reassuring start to anything.
29:28But I just worry that when they make, like,
29:30official contact it is going to happen in America.
29:32Like, that's just the worst idea.
29:34LAUGHTER
29:36So you're not worried about aliens,
29:38but you're worried that aliens will come first to America?
29:40No, come to them first to America.
29:42Because obviously, I mean,
29:44we're either going to, you know,
29:46put them into, you know, forced slave labour,
29:48throw them into prisons, right?
29:50Or we'll put them on reality shows, you know?
29:52And, like, you know, then they'll become more like us,
29:54you know?
29:56And then they're, like, you know,
29:58doing lots of contouring like Kardashians and stuff
30:00because they have the cheap phones.
30:02And I just think that, like, you know,
30:04it's easy to get kind of sucked into the sort of
30:06corporate commercial machine
30:08that is everything about America.
30:10So you live over here now?
30:12I do, yeah.
30:14So ideally they'd come to sort of,
30:16I don't know, rural Wiltshire on a Wednesday afternoon?
30:18LAUGHTER
30:20My worry is if they landed here and they landed in Croydon,
30:22that would not be a great plot.
30:24The immediate thing that happened is that
30:26an alien got vomited on by someone who'd just done
30:28six Jager bombs in Tiger Tiger.
30:30LAUGHTER
30:32I think that would be severely sent,
30:34cos I think there's no doubt, if we talked about England
30:36as the first place aliens would land, or in Britain,
30:38that bit in Independence Day when the first ship
30:40goes up to sea, I think, as a cultural ambassador,
30:42Mary Berry just with a pavlova.
30:44LAUGHTER
30:46A team full of people watching on it,
30:48take it, take it, Brazil!
30:50Oh, shit, OK.
30:52LAUGHTER
30:54We should have sent Paul Hollywood.
30:56LAUGHTER
30:58California is the hotbed of supposed alien contact,
31:00is that where you're from? Yes, it is.
31:02But, to be fair, we are all high.
31:04LAUGHTER
31:06There is a distinct correlation between
31:08the number of alien sightings and state where
31:10weed is basically legal.
31:12LAUGHTER
31:14Do you think they might be here, the aliens?
31:16I wouldn't be surprised if they were.
31:18I sort of think the sort of pictures we draw of aliens
31:20and our concept that they'll come in a spaceship
31:22is limited by our own ability to conceive,
31:24and we can only conceive things we can picture.
31:26Yeah. They could easily be here,
31:28which we would think of as a thought or a smell.
31:30Yeah. Right, guys?
31:32LAUGHTER
31:34Oh, is that too deep for you?
31:36So let's file this worry away.
31:38I worry aliens will land in America.
31:40I sort of share your concern.
31:42I sort of feel like, to be honest,
31:44it's not for me to say it.
31:46Yeah, and also, like, they could run into Beyonce.
31:48That would be good, if they ran into, like...
31:50Yeah, if they ran into...
31:52Come all this way to be told they're not ready for jelly?
31:54LAUGHTER
31:56Um, OK.
31:58So I'm looking only on severe alerts right now, unfortunately.
32:02Like, I feel like...
32:04Green crisps? Green crisps?
32:06What the heck is that?
32:08Green crisps isn't a problem unless you've just eaten one,
32:10and I'll tell you, it's straight up there in the red.
32:12LAUGHTER
32:14I want to respect your green crisps thing,
32:16but I feel like it could go between there or green crisps and sand.
32:18I don't know how other people feel.
32:20Green crisps and sand? Yeah.
32:22Sounds like a sort of Dr Seuss book, doesn't it?
32:24LAUGHTER
32:26Out of respect for the Americans.
32:28There we go, Aliens In America!
32:30APPLAUSE
32:34Nish, humanity.
32:36Yes. Worry.
32:38My biggest concern is that I may be one of the most disgusting humans
32:44that has ever lived.
32:46Now, just to assure you,
32:48I don't mean this in a personal hygiene way.
32:50You could eat off that thing.
32:52LAUGHTER
32:54You could eat a lot of extra hair off it.
32:56LAUGHTER
32:58No, very clean,
33:00but it's just my immediate surroundings,
33:02wherever I am,
33:04for any extended period of time,
33:06just becomes disgusting.
33:08Like, I have this capacity
33:10for ceaseless mess creation.
33:12If you came to my house, Jon,
33:14because I know you have a certain aversion to mess...
33:16I'll be honest, I'm already put off the idea.
33:18LAUGHTER
33:20I suspect
33:22you would walk in
33:24and spontaneously combust.
33:26LAUGHTER
33:28Well, I'm not going to lie to you.
33:30I've been in touch with your girlfriend.
33:32This could go one of two ways.
33:34LAUGHTER
33:36What a terrible way to find out that I'm now single.
33:38LAUGHTER
33:40Use the toilet roll.
33:42LAUGHTER
33:44I've been in touch with your girlfriend
33:46and I've asked her to provide some pictures.
33:48Oh, little shit.
33:50LAUGHTER
33:52Let's have a look at them.
33:54Can I just say quickly, right,
33:56first of all, before we get into anything else,
33:58the thing that's blurred out is a copy of the Guardian newspaper.
34:00LAUGHTER
34:02Yeah, that's exactly what I'd say.
34:04LAUGHTER
34:06What upsets me most about this
34:08is the fact that here are newspapers
34:10on top of a fucking file!
34:12LAUGHTER
34:14APPLAUSE
34:16Let's have a look at the other part of the Nishkumar household.
34:18Oh, OK.
34:20I presume this is a desk, or was a desk at some point.
34:22Yeah, that's the table in my bedroom.
34:24Just a coat hanger there,
34:26just in case you ever decide to do something about all this.
34:28LAUGHTER
34:30What worries me is that this is a sort of wider sign
34:32of a way of being.
34:34Yeah.
34:36That isn't just about mess, it's about punctuality.
34:38Yeah.
34:40And two watches on the desk.
34:42LAUGHTER
34:44Two watches on the desk.
34:46LAUGHTER
34:48Two watches on the desk says,
34:50I'm aware of time, it just doesn't exist for me.
34:52LAUGHTER
34:54If you can bear it, let's pop into the kitchen.
34:56Oh, no!
34:58LAUGHTER
35:00OK, OK, let me explain to you what's happened here.
35:02Do, please.
35:04Because I feel like I know the first thing you're going to ask me.
35:06Why is there a giant manila envelope on my cooker?
35:08LAUGHTER
35:10It didn't even occur to me that Keating paper
35:12was going to be in here.
35:14A great idea round the house.
35:16What are we having for tea tonight?
35:18Charred envelope in the husk of what used to be our house.
35:20LAUGHTER
35:22I'm very impressed, I have to say,
35:24by the range of oils and vinegars.
35:26LAUGHTER
35:28So many of those are empty!
35:30LAUGHTER
35:32There's a lot of problems there.
35:34If I could just, on behalf of everyone in a similar relationship
35:36to yours, ask,
35:38how long it takes to flip the fucking lid?
35:40LAUGHTER
35:42APPLAUSE
35:46What are we looking at there?
35:48A third of a second?
35:50LAUGHTER
35:52The absolute carnage that is your house, just...
35:54There you go, there's a little nod.
35:56There was a point where, like, everyone in my life
35:58is now like, you need to get a cleaner.
36:00And there was a point where I would be so embarrassed
36:02for a cleaner to come in and see it
36:04that I was like,
36:06well, we may as well just live like this now.
36:08It seems to go wider than that.
36:10It seems to be that this is the sort of environment
36:12that you feel comfortable in and it's sort of,
36:14it's almost like hoarding.
36:16I want you to feel comfortable on the show,
36:18don't get me wrong, so I believe
36:20one of my Johns, my glamorous assistant,
36:22is going to bring in a sort of environment...
36:24LAUGHTER
36:26Oh, no!
36:28LAUGHTER
36:30APPLAUSE
36:32Nothing too gooey,
36:34that seems to be like an applicator.
36:36This looks exactly like my living room.
36:38Why do you still have CDs?
36:40I like to engage with physical media, Desiree.
36:42I feel that the culture of downloading
36:44creates a sense of anonymity
36:46that lessens the connection
36:48between audience and artist.
36:50So, I hope I've been able to help you
36:52make some changes in your life
36:54for your girlfriend, if nothing else.
36:56As far as a solution to your kitchen and living room,
36:58such as I see them,
37:00I think I've got a possible solution for you,
37:02which the Johns will bring out for you now.
37:04This could be the solution to...
37:06LAUGHTER
37:10A couple of John Richardson Ultimate Warrior
37:12leaf blowers there.
37:14I guess start by channelling it all into a corner.
37:16Should I give this a go?
37:18Yeah, get rid of that stuff there.
37:20I would recommend away from me.
37:22LAUGHTER
37:24Away from me.
37:26LAUGHTER
37:30I'll be honest, this is backfired.
37:32LAUGHTER
37:34I'm only smart, I'm only smart!
37:36APPLAUSE
37:40How did you not see that coming?
37:42Yeah.
37:44I just was so sure you would do that away from me.
37:46LAUGHTER
37:48So, let's file away the worry
37:50that you are a disgusting human.
37:52I sort of feel like it's not for you to comment on.
37:54Yeah, no, I feel like I've got to sit this one out.
37:56I'll tell you what I'll do.
37:58I'll get some people around to clean up over a full weekend
38:00and then I'll come and stay with you.
38:02Is that cool?
38:04Yeah.
38:06I'll give you my address after.
38:08I'm going to put it in as a medium worry.
38:10I'm going to check back in with you in a year or so.
38:12OK, fine.
38:14I mean, it should be near teenagers and expired milk.
38:16That's perfect.
38:18The perfect spot.
38:20For this disgusting human.
38:22APPLAUSE
38:26That's it for part three. Join us after the break.
38:28APPLAUSE
38:44Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
38:46where tonight we're looking at worries from the world of humanity.
38:48Now I've got just enough time for one more worry,
38:50which tonight is this.
38:52I worry that animals deserve the planet more than we do.
38:54So we've talked a lot about the sort of end of the world tonight,
38:56and the focus is always on people and humans
38:58and the end of the world for humans.
39:00Let's be honest, we're going to take everything out on the planet with us,
39:02which seems slightly unfair to me.
39:04Humans are already responsible
39:06for the greatest extinction of species
39:08since the dinosaurs were wiped out.
39:10Here is a graph which plots human existence
39:12alongside extinction of species.
39:14Oh, my God.
39:16That's a rough correlation, I would say.
39:18Just in recent history,
39:20just absolutely flying through the species.
39:22I just feel like animals deserve a shot without us here,
39:24without us taking them out.
39:26Do you like animals?
39:28No.
39:30LAUGHTER
39:32It's not that I don't like animals,
39:34it's that I don't trust them.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:38I've seen Planet of the Apes,
39:40I've seen Babe,
39:42something's going on.
39:44LAUGHTER
39:46We also argue animals are more patient than we are,
39:48and this is a clip from a show called
39:50My Life As An Animal,
39:52and they would send people to try and live alongside animals.
39:54Just the dignity that was taken away from these animals.
39:56Pigs are very intelligent creatures.
39:58Pigs can recognise their own name at two weeks.
40:00There are pigs who've been known to sing
40:02to their young while they're feeding
40:04to help relax them,
40:06and yet they were subjected
40:08to two weeks of their life
40:10with this.
40:12Oh, oh.
40:14OK, I'm going to try and think pig.
40:16Think pig.
40:18Oh, that's lovely.
40:20There it is.
40:22Oh.
40:24I really enjoy this.
40:26LAUGHTER
40:32The thrill for me is
40:34seeing them do new stuff, really.
40:36I mean, this is a completely different
40:38quality of interaction.
40:40They're less interested in me,
40:42so it's much harder for me to get their attention.
40:44I'm really, really pleased
40:46that we did the swap,
40:48that I got a chance to come over here,
40:50because that's really completed the picture for me.
40:52Was that last pig sniffing his butt
40:54at the end?
40:56Who would have thought in that show
40:58that the pigs would have come out with all the dignity?
41:00Yeah.
41:02I think animals are definitely having better sex than we are,
41:04and that is related to...
41:06Some of them.
41:08The foxes are screaming at night.
41:10That can't be satisfying.
41:12They're into some weird shit now.
41:14Foxes are into some Fifty Shades stuff,
41:16like it's weird what's going on in my garden.
41:18Corkscrew dicks.
41:20That's what's happening there.
41:22I wasn't calling you guys.
41:24Sorry.
41:26Listen up, corkscrew dicks.
41:28This is a headline from the Independent newspaper.
41:30Blind, bisexual, polyamorous goose
41:32involved in love triangle
41:34dies age 40.
41:36I mean, I ain't never getting a headline
41:38that I've written about.
41:40If I died at 40, it would say,
41:42man inhales fumes from cleaning products in his apartment.
41:44I mean,
41:46albeit some animals don't quite have
41:48the same sex we do.
41:50When the queen bee, she will mate with all the drones
41:52in her community.
41:54Following the sex, the drone's penises explode.
41:56After mating with the queen,
41:58explains why Prince Philip looks so pissed off later.
42:00Let's file away the worry
42:02that animals deserve the planet more than we do.
42:04For me, if you have a list of everything
42:06people have done wrong,
42:08which is basically what this is,
42:10then it's just the solution to the problem.
42:12We'll fuck off and let dogs have a go.
42:14There it is.
42:16Filed as a severe worry.
42:24That's it for this week on Ultimate Worry.
42:26Please thank my guests Nish Kumar and Desiree Birch.
42:30I, for one, have learned this this week.
42:32We've discussed some of the biggest questions
42:34humanity has to offer.
42:36How will the world end?
42:38What is the next step in evolution?
42:40Are aliens a threat to mankind?
42:42But most importantly,
42:44will Nish ever learn to shut the lid on his ketchup?
42:46Goodnight!
43:00Thanks for watching!
43:02Subscribe for more!