Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S01 E04. Humanity.
First broadcast 6th June 2018.
Jon Richardson
Nish Kumar
Desiree Burch
Richard Gadd
Sam Simmons
Mark Stevenson
Jon Richardson
Nish Kumar
Desiree Burch
Richard Gadd
Sam Simmons
Mark Stevenson
Transcript
00:00Thank you so much for having me.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:35Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worry,
00:37the show that so neatly combines my passions for stressing and filing
00:40that I have to strap myself to my inner thigh
00:42so you can't tell exactly how excited I am to be here.
00:46Here's where my worries live. This is my worry index.
00:49Every worry in it has been categorised and ranked
00:52following decades of thorough analysis.
00:54Anything you see that's red is what I've classified as a severe worry.
00:58The orange ones are moderate worries
01:00and anything I consider to be a low worry is spearmint.
01:05Let's take a closer look at a couple of them,
01:07starting with a low worry such as this one.
01:09I worry that there is too much bad music.
01:12Let's be honest, there's too much music.
01:14Full stop, we've got all the good music we need
01:16so we can stop wasting our time making more
01:18and get on with more important stuff.
01:20You're never going to play the guitar as well as Mark Knopfler
01:22so put the frigging thing down and do your recycling.
01:25Just so you realise quite how much music there is,
01:27we're currently up to now 98
01:29and hopefully the next album will be called Now Stop This, Please.
01:34As I say, that's a low worry.
01:35There are far more severe ones such as this one.
01:38I worry that there's too much good TV.
01:40I'm concerned I've fallen so far behind with box sets I want to watch
01:44that TV is now being made faster than I can watch it.
01:47In fact, I'm so sure that Donald Trump will bring about the end of days
01:49before I get to see that Breaking Bad episode
01:51everyone wanks on about with the fly.
01:54I think I'd better start watching The Walking Dead
01:56in case I can pick up any survival tips.
01:59Well, that's a glimpse into what's already in the Worry Index.
02:01Tonight we'll be logging some brand new ones,
02:03all of which are related to a particular theme
02:05and tonight that theme is humanity.
02:07Humanity, of course, encompasses every single one of us
02:10from the very best to the very worst,
02:12from David Attenborough to David Cameron,
02:14from Maggie Smith to Maggie Thatcher,
02:16from Nick Nolte to Nick Knowles.
02:19Before we crack on with tonight's show,
02:21please welcome my guests Desiree Birch and Nish Kumar.
02:24APPLAUSE
02:38Thanks for coming.
02:39So, Nish, you're here because, as a worrier,
02:41I know that you and I share a similar trait,
02:43which is an ability to manifest our worries,
02:46not just emotionally but also physically...
02:48Yeah, absolutely, yeah. ..for our bodies to react the same way.
02:50And I know that on the day of the Brexit result,
02:53border controls exiting Nish Kumar
02:55were not as strict as they might have been.
02:57There was a free movement of faeces out of my body via my anus.
03:04You triggered Charticle 50.
03:08People always think that I'm making this up,
03:10but I was stressed about the result
03:13and I was stressed about...
03:15I'm trying to not give away my political opinion,
03:18but I am concerned my anus has already blown the story wide open.
03:24I was worried about the way that the result was going to go
03:28and when I woke up, I got up and saw the result
03:32and then immediately...
03:33Like, I don't mean later that day,
03:35I literally mean, we have left the European...
03:37Like that.
03:38It was panic and, let me tell you, it was not hard Brexit.
03:46Desiree, you are a worry that is already on my list.
03:49So I filed away a Desiree Birch-related worry a while ago
03:52and it was this one.
03:54Thanks to Desiree Birch,
03:55I worry I can never look at another human face the same way again.
03:58I'll be honest, that sounds a lot harsher than it's meant to.
04:00It's a reaction to one of your show posters.
04:03So this is a poster for one of your shows.
04:06Perhaps you could explain what's happening there.
04:08Well, you either see it or I'm going to have to explain it to you
04:12because when I showed it to my friends who were married,
04:15my friend was like, oh, this is an interesting painting.
04:18I don't know, it kind of scares me.
04:19And then her husband walked in and was like,
04:21ah, bunch of knobs, and then walked out.
04:23It is a collection of all of the dick pics that I received over my life
04:28as every woman has those.
04:30And I know you were sent these unsolicited.
04:32That's a worry all of its own that this is happening in society.
04:35But just for the two guys whose penises are the same colour as your lipstick,
04:42I would advise them to see some sort of medical advisor.
04:45Immediately.
04:46So here's how the show works.
04:48I've got some new humanity-based worries for the Worry Index.
04:50I want you two to help me decide exactly how worried I should be about each one.
04:54So here is our first worry for the night.
04:57I worry that the apocalypse will be a bit dull.
05:01I mean, given how you've reacted to Brexit,
05:03I'm terrified of what would happen to your family in the face of full armageddon.
05:07The concern is based on the idea that I think when you see the apocalypse
05:10portrayed in films, it's always quite a huge, dynamic event.
05:13I think from what reading I've done,
05:15I think it's going to be a slower, more tedious affair than that.
05:18I think the end of Bees is possibly going to bring about the end of the world.
05:23Not necessarily a film we're all going to flock to see.
05:27World War B there, starring Buzz Pitt.
05:30You can sort of map out the film.
05:32Initially, you'd have some people in an office and someone says,
05:35can you hear that? Someone says, I can't hear anything.
05:37Exactly. There's no buzzing.
05:39That's the sort of start.
05:41Then you always get that scene in a film where the news sort of goes around the world.
05:44So like in Independence Day, you see the different buildings being blown up,
05:47presumably the Greeks would be the first to go here.
05:50The baklava is dry.
05:54Go around the world until we get to Scotland, who remain unaffected.
05:58I take salt in my porridge, pal. This'll never happen to me!
06:03But from what I've looked at, all the key sort of potential ends of the world,
06:07and I just don't think they're likely to happen in an exciting way.
06:10So this is the asteroid-based end of the world.
06:15There is an asteroid called 2013 TV135.
06:19Catchy name for a potential world ender.
06:21I think if something's going to end the world,
06:24we shouldn't call it something like 2013 TV135,
06:27we should call it the fucker or something like that.
06:30NASA has spotted an asteroid which it predicts has a 99.998% chance of missing Earth.
06:38It's not quite enough nines, is it?
06:41Don't get me wrong, those are good odds.
06:43If someone told me I had that chance to win the lottery, I'd buy a ticket.
06:46But when you're talking about the end of the Earth, yeah, it's 99.998.
06:51I feel like we've had our go.
06:53The reality is if the world ends, it's probably going to be because it's something we've done.
06:57I saw this documentary about they're investigating planets and other solar systems
07:02that might have a similar, like, ecosystem to ours.
07:05I don't think we should get it.
07:06No, cos we'll screw it up too.
07:08If I take a shit in my sink...
07:11Which you will do.
07:12Which I will do.
07:14It's a statistical inevitability given my body's response to difficult news.
07:20But I can't then just ring my landlord up and be like,
07:22I want a new house.
07:23That's not how anything works.
07:26Well, grab your toilet roll, I have bad news for you.
07:30It's on a collision course that will take it past Earth in 2032,
07:34so a matter of some 14 years away.
07:36This is the map of it missing Earth.
07:39And to point out what we're looking at here,
07:41here's the Sun, here's Mercury and Venus, here's Earth,
07:44and there's it missing the Earth.
07:47Yeah, I'll be honest, that's a bit fucking close for my taste.
07:50If that was a cyclist and this was my wing mirror, I'd go,
07:53ooh, careful, mate!
07:57The fact that that's going to happen in 2032 basically means
08:00there's somebody at NASA just watching a computer
08:02who's going to spend the next 14 years going,
08:04ooh!
08:10So an asteroid is not going to happen, it's a dull end to the world.
08:13And people are one possible end to the planet, overpopulation.
08:18That's according to Professor Stephen Hawking,
08:20who said last year that the end of the world will come by 2600,
08:23and overpopulation is the thing that's most likely to cause it.
08:27He says it will create an unsustainable amount of energy consumption.
08:30That is a terrifying thought, just too many people.
08:33Well, too many people and also not enough space for the resources
08:37to sustain those people at the level that we have it now.
08:40The only positive I can see is just the bleakness
08:43of Giles Brandreth's one-show segments.
08:45If we're in an overpopulated world, just...
08:47And now Giles Brandreth will ask the question,
08:49is your child slowing you down?
08:51And how many meals can you get out of a rat?
08:56I think this one might be the hardest thing to convince people out of doing.
09:00I think we are slowly moving to a system
09:02where people do accept we need to use less plastics and recycle more.
09:07But this last one is going to be the ultimate Rubicon to be like,
09:10you need to have less sex with each other.
09:13No, you don't need to have less sex, you need to pull out more.
09:16LAUGHTER
09:18So easy!
09:20Keep the world for people who are here now, all right?
09:24Pull out, get it on the hotel walls.
09:26Fine.
09:28No harm, no foul.
09:32Every time I put a black light on a hotel wall,
09:34what I'm looking at there is not sexual indiscretion, it's heroes.
09:39I'm willing to do my part and push you right on.
09:45That's not all on you.
09:47Even if I'm having sex with my wife, you'll just burst in.
09:50Desiree Birch, freelance sex pusher.
09:54No, not in the way you'd like.
09:57So Stephen Hawking believes we should be worried about overpopulation.
10:00Someone who has a different opinion is Sam Simmons.
10:03But whose opinion do you value the most,
10:05the world's foremost theoretical scientist
10:07or an Australian guy with a beard?
10:09You decide.
10:11Yes, John.
10:13Hi, Sam Simmons here reporting to you live
10:15from Ultimate Warrior from the beautiful, magnificent Australian bush.
10:18Today I'm going to be talking to you about overpopulation
10:21and the positive aspects thereof.
10:23Here's some facts.
10:25More people means less food, less food means less fatties,
10:28less fatties means more sexy situation.
10:30The views expressed in this item are those of Sam Simmons
10:32and do not represent the views of Dave the Channel.
10:34Hey, you look really sexy. Thanks. I've got famine.
10:37Oh, really? What's that?
10:39Oh, it just means I'm really sexy and horn-gry.
10:41What's horn-gry? That means I'm horny and hungry.
10:44Then if you add some global warming to that,
10:46that's going to mean way hotter weather.
10:48Way hotter weather means less clothing,
10:50less clothing means sexier situations.
10:53In fact, we've got the baby boomers to thank directly for global warming.
10:56You see, they've actually created global warming
10:58so they can retire somewhere warm.
11:00They just want to make the entire planet Earth one giant Benidorm
11:03or a giant Canary Island sex festival.
11:05Dave would like to apologise for any offence caused by this item.
11:08And don't worry if you're an ugly,
11:09because everyone's going to become less sexually competitive
11:11because there's way too many ugly people
11:13and there's a lot of people who are way better at sexy stuff than you.
11:15Does that make sense? We're really sorry.
11:17It's plain old boring reality-based science.
11:20More people means less space, less space and more proximity to other people.
11:25I mean, this is just a win-win for humanity
11:27because the more sexy situations, you're making more people.
11:31You're making more people in sexy situations.
11:40Sam Simmons, who was paid good money to investigate overpopulation,
11:44seems to have taken his phone into his garden for ten minutes.
11:48How do you think you would fare in a sort of overpopulated,
11:51near-apocalypse society?
11:53Immediate death.
11:54Immediate death?
11:55Yeah, but I don't think I would have survived, like, 200 years ago.
11:58Like, I've got all the makings of someone
12:00who should have been naturally selected out.
12:03I've no useful skill.
12:04I can't, like, I can't cook or mend or even, like, complete lists.
12:09Like, it's all terrible.
12:11You sort of realise that I can only function in this society
12:14because sarcasm is now a job.
12:17The minute we go back to, like,
12:19did you plant many seeds today, John?
12:21No, but I did have a withering observation about barley.
12:25We move on to the final, and if you read the papers,
12:28the most likely end for humanity, which is the nuclear missile.
12:32I don't know how you feel about the onset of nuclear dawn.
12:35Sounds awful.
12:36I'm here to tell you that, actually, it's quite easy to survive
12:39and it can be quite a chipper situation to endure.
12:42Here is a safety information clip from the people of Ventura County
12:46on how to survive a nuclear dawn.
12:52BOOM!
12:58Oh no, it's blown, the cloud is in the sky.
13:01Don't run, no fun, you've got to get inside.
13:04You don't need to be scared, you don't need to be loud.
13:07Cos you can survive even a mushroom cloud.
13:09If you want to feel OK, gotta do what I say.
13:14So get inside and stay inside.
13:17Stay tuned, stay tuned to the news.
13:20If you want to be OK, gotta do what I say.
13:25So get inside and stay inside.
13:28Stay tuned, stay tuned to the news.
13:31Get inside, stay inside, stay tuned.
13:35For more information on how you can survive a nuclear explosion,
13:38visit us on the web at readyventuracounty.org.
13:45There's another trick to telling people to go inside.
13:47It's probably less about the safest thing to do
13:50and more about a government that, in a nuclear meltdown,
13:52doesn't want people charging around the streets.
13:54They're basically saying, get back in your house,
13:57pop a hat on with your name on it,
13:59go and dig a nuclear fallout shelter and you're gone.
14:02About six foot deep, that's all it needs to be.
14:04Jump inside the wooden safety box we're going to send you
14:07and nail that shot and then you'll definitely be fine.
14:10Definitely don't go to the nearest Walmart and take all of that stuff.
14:14Oh, God, yeah, don't do any looting, you'll be fine.
14:16The telly will still be on, so just watch the news.
14:19So we're going to log this worry now, we're going to put it on the list.
14:22I worry that the apocalypse will be a bit dull.
14:24So these are my currently filed worries.
14:26So down here we have the sort of lower worries,
14:28like holiday friends and precision packing.
14:30Yeah.
14:31Then we move up to biting fingernails, home-cooked meals and Google.
14:34Obviously, odd smells.
14:35Odd smells and segues, right up there with the breadcrumbs.
14:38I think it's at least as worrying as cruises.
14:41As worrying as cruises, but not as worrying as disco dancing?
14:44Oh, no, obviously not as worrying as disco dancing.
14:46Yeah, so it sort of feels like this is the natural home for it then.
14:49Between cruises and disco dancing, let's file that one away.
14:51A boring apocalypse.
14:57So that's it for this part.
14:58I'm going to go and find out if I've got enough hand sanitiser
15:01and cardigans stockpiled for the afterlife.
15:03I'll see you after the break.
15:15APPLAUSE
15:20Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
15:22where tonight we're looking at humanity.
15:24Let's take a look at my next humanitarian worry.
15:27I worry what the next step in human evolution will be.
15:30Up until this point, it's been brilliant.
15:32I sort of feel like this is probably as good as it's going to get
15:35and that we are now the shittiest group of people of all time.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:39It's pretty much downhill from here in terms of evolution.
15:42Come on, what about the X-Men?
15:44We have to, like, be around nuclear waste for that to happen to any of us.
15:48Have you seen who's president of your country, Desiree?
15:51LAUGHTER
15:53I thought you managed to word that as if she did it.
15:56Have you seen what you did a couple of years ago?
15:59Well, one of the aspects I'm most worried about of human evolution
16:04is the physical changes that we will undergo
16:06as a result of the next few hundred years.
16:08So to find out how our bodies might look in the future,
16:10we sent Richard Gad to investigate.
16:13When asked to do a report on the future of human evolution,
16:16I said, John, just get me on the main show!
16:19But when he said no, I said, fine.
16:22Human evolution, just where will we end up?
16:25Forked tongues, five penises, five tongues, forked penises.
16:30Should we be worried?
16:32After all, evolutionary anomalies can occur.
16:34Look at the duck-billed platypus, the flying fish, Katie Hopkins.
16:39To assuage my worries about our future,
16:41I thought I should speak to an expert.
16:44I'm here with neuroscientist and evolutionary expert Dean Burnett.
16:48Dean-o, thanks very much for being with us today.
16:50Can I call you Dean-o?
16:51I'd rather you didn't.
16:53No worries.
16:55This report will be conducted in two parts.
16:57The first will be here with Dean, where he will enlighten us
17:00with his knowledge about how we as humans are likely to evolve in the future.
17:04And here in the second part, I'm in Ealing at a mortuary,
17:08where I will take Dean's information and upgrade my body to become an evolved human.
17:13Just how well equipped will the man of tomorrow be in our world of today?
17:18Oh, fuck.
17:20So, Dean-o, let's start at the top.
17:22What's the first thing that's going to change about our bodies in the future of human evolution?
17:27Given that currently we're living in a climate and environment of abundant food,
17:31and as a result we can grow to our full biological potential,
17:35over time you'd expect to see people getting taller.
17:38So what will happen to our limbs in the future?
17:40It depends on what we end up using them for.
17:42We use them a lot now for interacting with technology.
17:45Over time, if it becomes a sort of key part of our survival,
17:47then we get an extra finger, or maybe a longer finger.
17:50It's funny you say that, because I think thanks to computers,
17:52my right arm has never been stronger.
17:55In fact, I actually see my evolutionary future as having one big sort of crab-like strong arm.
18:00Oh, OK, fair enough.
18:02Yes.
18:04Will we experience any hair loss?
18:06That's sort of something that's happened over time, in that we've lost all our body hair.
18:10Will our memory be affected?
18:11Potentially, yes.
18:13So, smaller memory?
18:15Smaller head?
18:16Not really, no.
18:17But there would be probably a reduction to some degree?
18:19Not necessarily, no.
18:21But I mean, for comic purposes, it might get slightly smaller.
18:24That would be a lot of effort for a single joke.
18:28It would be, yes.
18:31Hard power?
18:34Argh!
18:55All right, let's see how much better I am at shopping.
19:02Now, the long fingers.
19:04Not sure how effective they are.
19:06Well, so far, bitterly disappointed.
19:09A lot of leaning on walls as an evolved human.
19:11Hello!
19:13There you are, that's handy.
19:15I'd have had to ask somebody to get them down for me.
19:18Croissants?
19:21Can't open them.
19:22Lemon cake?
19:23Can't open it.
19:24Tiramisu?
19:26Don't like it.
19:28Oh!
19:29Jaffa cakes?
19:30You know, the fingers fall off in an evolved human.
19:32Hope we learn how to grow them back.
19:34Let's get ourselves a lottery ticket, I'm feeling lucky.
19:37Oh, shit!
19:38Oh!
19:39Oh!
19:40Oh!
19:41Oh!
19:42OK.
19:43So it is clear that being evolved comes with its own drawbacks,
19:46especially if you try and cheat it like I have done today.
19:49I suppose that's why they call it evolution,
19:51because it's a gradual process,
19:53like baking bread or trying to emotionally connect with my son.
19:57So where we end up is anyone's guess, really.
19:59It's just a shame we won't be around to see it take place.
20:02I've been Richard Gere for Ultimate Warrior
20:04and I'm never going to clingfilm my head again.
20:11Thanks, Richard.
20:14So that is a chilling glimpse, I think, into the future evolution.
20:18How do you feel about your genes being passed down the line?
20:22Oh, big shake of the heads.
20:24There is no reason for this to go any further.
20:30I'm not sure that I have any qualities that I would want to pass down.
20:33I just worry that I'd be creating another completely useless human being.
20:37What sort of... How many dates in before you say to a potential partner,
20:40oh, by the way, there is no need for this to go any further?
20:44It's the top line of my Tinder bio, John.
20:47Well, now, wait a second.
20:49So how are your parents? Are they useless as well, or great?
20:52Oh, delightful. No, no, no. Delightful, competent...
20:54Because usually it has that skip-a-generation thing,
20:56where it's like your kids would be a reaction to you
20:59and they would be totally useful because they're like,
21:01Dad's a waste of space.
21:03Like, let's go out and make something up.
21:06So you should totally have kids.
21:08So what you're saying is I'm so useless
21:10that my kids might be the next Gandhi?
21:13Yeah, they would have to do something.
21:15Out of embarrassment of having come from you,
21:17they will achieve wonderful things.
21:21One of the things that we have is a tailbone
21:23that sort of goes back to having a tail
21:25and supposedly have evolved not to need a tail before,
21:28with the exception of this photo which I'm about to show you,
21:31which is genuinely one of the most obsessive things...
21:33Whoa!
21:35What is that?
21:37I'll tell you what that is. That is correct use of a tailbone.
21:40Who took that photo? Is it still out?
21:45Here's another body part that they say men may get rid of.
21:48This is a man without nipples.
21:50That's a face that says,
21:52I'm not angry, I just want them back.
21:57I love the fact that he's left his watch on.
21:59It looks like the worst Rolex ad of all time.
22:03I call those pictures a tail and two titties.
22:08One thing that might happen as a result of evolution
22:10is not how we come to cope with life on this Earth,
22:13but I know you're against this,
22:15but were we to move to another planet and colonise that,
22:18there is a theory that the next step in evolution
22:20will be as a result of adaptations needed to cope
22:24in a different environment.
22:26So Dr Alan Kwan is a genealogist.
22:28He predicts that we may have larger nostrils.
22:32That's for easier breathing in off-planet environments.
22:35Denser hair to contain heat loss from a larger head.
22:39Perhaps most noticeably, he says eyes will grow unnervingly large.
22:43Unnervingly large eyes.
22:45So you're basically talking about an anime version of black people.
22:51This is like super flying to space.
22:55Well, we have a picture of both of you adapted to cope with...
22:59Oh my God!
23:02There we go.
23:03Amazing.
23:04What do you make of that?
23:05I feel like I could get more dates with that picture than I am now.
23:09I think you're getting enough dick pics, to be honest with you.
23:12Perhaps we should share them around a little bit.
23:16Next evolution is staying on Earth but adapting technologies
23:20so that we use technology not only without our bodies
23:23but we have it implanted within us and we become cyborgs.
23:27Fancy becoming a cyborg?
23:29Oh, God, no.
23:30I want to stay like the pure, imperfect failure of humanity that I am.
23:34I mean, the first sort of evolution is getting, like,
23:37Bluetooth inside of our brains, you know?
23:39And so people will just be walking around and be like,
23:42constantly talking to themselves.
23:44So you will have to just be like,
23:45oh, they're not talking to me, they're not talking to me.
23:47And at some point, if someone makes actual human contact with you,
23:50you'll be like, police!
23:52It'll be so frightening.
23:54You took that very well, by the way.
23:56He hears this all the time.
23:58Just people screaming police.
24:00In fairness, I've been to an airport since 2001.
24:05There are cyborgs. They're out there today.
24:07They're Walker Morris.
24:09Neil Harbison has set up a community known as the Cyborg Foundation,
24:13and here he is.
24:14Neil Harbison was born completely colorblind.
24:17And while Neil still can't see color,
24:19a device called the iBoard allows him to hear and sense colors.
24:24It picks up the dominant color in front of me,
24:26and then it transposes this frequency of light into the frequency of sound,
24:30so it's related to the frequency of light.
24:32It's not an arbitrary relation.
24:35This light frequency has a specific note,
24:38which is the note that I hear, but a few octaves lower,
24:41so it's in the audible range.
24:44My head was drilled four times so that I could have the antenna integrated.
24:48So it goes inside my skull, so I actually feel cyborg.
24:51I feel that even if I touch the antenna, I feel it's like a part of my body.
24:55It really feels like a new body part.
24:57There's no way of removing it.
25:00So just like other animals, they have antennas.
25:03I decided that I would have an antenna as well.
25:06Don't pull on it, mate!
25:08Yeah.
25:09Every time you go, don't pull the freaking thing!
25:12So there he is.
25:13He has an antenna implanted so that he can hear color as a tonal sound,
25:17which I imagine must be an absolute nightmare.
25:19Especially if he looks at himself in the mirror,
25:21because given what he was wearing, I imagine he just goes,
25:23Ah!
25:25So here to discuss the future of mankind,
25:27please welcome futurist and kind man, Mark Stephenson!
25:31APPLAUSE
25:39What would you say is the future of human evolution?
25:42Well, I think that's hard to answer,
25:44but the next stage will certainly be the emerging of technology with humans,
25:48and the first place we're going to see that is in sport.
25:51So you're already seeing Paralympians outperforming Olympians.
25:54So, for instance, Marcus Rem, Paralympian, long jumper,
25:57was banned from the Able Boyd Olympics in Rio
25:59because they said he had an unfair advantage.
26:01So that means we'll probably have to have a third Olympics.
26:03There'll be the Paralympics, the Olympics,
26:05and the Anything Goes Rocket Pack Olympics.
26:07Holy shit, that sounds incredible.
26:09So are you suggesting there would come a time
26:12when I would have my leg replaced by a prosthetic
26:16that would allow me to do more?
26:18Well, you might.
26:19A taller one would be nice, just a couple more inches on it.
26:22So Hugh Hare is the bionics professor at MIT.
26:24He lost his legs in a climbing accident.
26:26He now has these amazing prosthetic bionic legs
26:28which allow him to run and jump and do all sorts of things.
26:30And if you say to Hugh, do you want your old legs back?
26:32He goes, no, because I'll be running around like an 18-year-old when I'm 80.
26:35I can upgrade these. These are immortal.
26:37I was speaking to another person who had prosthetic legs,
26:40and they said, well, if I want to play basketball,
26:42I'll just strap on a taller pair.
26:44So what does that mean?
26:46I still can't get over an 80-year-old man running around at speed,
26:50just like...
26:52But, like, the bottom part of him just speeding out.
26:57Playing basketball gets to the hoop.
26:59Can't remember why I jumped.
27:04What does that mean for the future of sort of...
27:06We discussed genetics and passing genes down.
27:08Presumably when limbs become a sort of irrelevance,
27:11it doesn't matter how we evolve in that sense.
27:14There are two sort of tracks.
27:16One is we merge with machinery and become...
27:18The other is we actually start to hack our own machinery,
27:20the machinery of the human,
27:22and hack the genetics so that you can do different things.
27:24For instance, salamanders.
27:26You can chop a salamander's limb off and it will regrow.
27:28Now, we're pretty sure all the genetic switches
27:30are still inside the human body to be able to do that.
27:32So if we can reprogram ourselves,
27:34if you have an accident, you might be able to regrow a limb.
27:36That would be absolutely incredible.
27:38That would change everything.
27:40But unfortunately, because I know humans well enough,
27:42the first thing that that would be used for
27:44is for a guy to have a second dick.
27:46Yep.
27:48We all thought it.
27:50And the other thing that's happening at the moment
27:52is we're 3D printing human organs as well.
27:54At the moment? Yeah.
27:56I can't print gig tickets.
27:58LAUGHTER
28:00APPLAUSE
28:06I found that absolutely fascinating.
28:08Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for helping, Mark Stevenson!
28:10APPLAUSE
28:12So let's put that worry inside the worry index.
28:14I worry what the next step in human evolution will be.
28:16Very rarely you have a guest who so comprehensively
28:18chills you out about a topic.
28:20And I'll be honest, it was sort of red for me
28:22after the Richard Gad nonsense.
28:24I actually find it quite exciting now.
28:26Yeah.
28:28For me, it's above tickling.
28:30LAUGHTER
28:32So I guess it's going to have to go
28:34between birth control and tourist hotspots.
28:36There we go.
28:38APPLAUSE
28:40That's it for part two.
28:42I'm off now to tidy up the newsagent
28:44that Richard Gad destroyed,
28:46so we'll see you after these important messages.
28:48APPLAUSE
29:06Welcome back to Alternate Warrior,
29:08where tonight we are looking at worries
29:10exclusively to do with humanity.
29:12And it's time now to harvest some new worries from my guests.
29:14So, Desiree, do you have a worry for the index?
29:16Yeah.
29:18I'm not worried about aliens in general.
29:20I think that...
29:22LAUGHTER
29:24That's a great opening!
29:26Not a reassuring start to anything.
29:28But I just worry that when they make, like,
29:30official contact it is going to happen in America.
29:32Like, that's just the worst idea.
29:34LAUGHTER
29:36So you're not worried about aliens,
29:38but you're worried that aliens will come first to America?
29:40No, come to them first to America.
29:42Because obviously, I mean,
29:44we're either going to, you know,
29:46put them into, you know, forced slave labour,
29:48throw them into prisons, right?
29:50Or we'll put them on reality shows, you know?
29:52And, like, you know, then they'll become more like us,
29:54you know?
29:56And then they're, like, you know,
29:58doing lots of contouring like Kardashians and stuff
30:00because they have the cheap phones.
30:02And I just think that, like, you know,
30:04it's easy to get kind of sucked into the sort of
30:06corporate commercial machine
30:08that is everything about America.
30:10So you live over here now?
30:12I do, yeah.
30:14So ideally they'd come to sort of,
30:16I don't know, rural Wiltshire on a Wednesday afternoon?
30:18LAUGHTER
30:20My worry is if they landed here and they landed in Croydon,
30:22that would not be a great plot.
30:24The immediate thing that happened is that
30:26an alien got vomited on by someone who'd just done
30:28six Jager bombs in Tiger Tiger.
30:30LAUGHTER
30:32I think that would be severely sent,
30:34cos I think there's no doubt, if we talked about England
30:36as the first place aliens would land, or in Britain,
30:38that bit in Independence Day when the first ship
30:40goes up to sea, I think, as a cultural ambassador,
30:42Mary Berry just with a pavlova.
30:44LAUGHTER
30:46A team full of people watching on it,
30:48take it, take it, Brazil!
30:50Oh, shit, OK.
30:52LAUGHTER
30:54We should have sent Paul Hollywood.
30:56LAUGHTER
30:58California is the hotbed of supposed alien contact,
31:00is that where you're from? Yes, it is.
31:02But, to be fair, we are all high.
31:04LAUGHTER
31:06There is a distinct correlation between
31:08the number of alien sightings and state where
31:10weed is basically legal.
31:12LAUGHTER
31:14Do you think they might be here, the aliens?
31:16I wouldn't be surprised if they were.
31:18I sort of think the sort of pictures we draw of aliens
31:20and our concept that they'll come in a spaceship
31:22is limited by our own ability to conceive,
31:24and we can only conceive things we can picture.
31:26Yeah. They could easily be here,
31:28which we would think of as a thought or a smell.
31:30Yeah. Right, guys?
31:32LAUGHTER
31:34Oh, is that too deep for you?
31:36So let's file this worry away.
31:38I worry aliens will land in America.
31:40I sort of share your concern.
31:42I sort of feel like, to be honest,
31:44it's not for me to say it.
31:46Yeah, and also, like, they could run into Beyonce.
31:48That would be good, if they ran into, like...
31:50Yeah, if they ran into...
31:52Come all this way to be told they're not ready for jelly?
31:54LAUGHTER
31:56Um, OK.
31:58So I'm looking only on severe alerts right now, unfortunately.
32:02Like, I feel like...
32:04Green crisps? Green crisps?
32:06What the heck is that?
32:08Green crisps isn't a problem unless you've just eaten one,
32:10and I'll tell you, it's straight up there in the red.
32:12LAUGHTER
32:14I want to respect your green crisps thing,
32:16but I feel like it could go between there or green crisps and sand.
32:18I don't know how other people feel.
32:20Green crisps and sand? Yeah.
32:22Sounds like a sort of Dr Seuss book, doesn't it?
32:24LAUGHTER
32:26Out of respect for the Americans.
32:28There we go, Aliens In America!
32:30APPLAUSE
32:34Nish, humanity.
32:36Yes. Worry.
32:38My biggest concern is that I may be one of the most disgusting humans
32:44that has ever lived.
32:46Now, just to assure you,
32:48I don't mean this in a personal hygiene way.
32:50You could eat off that thing.
32:52LAUGHTER
32:54You could eat a lot of extra hair off it.
32:56LAUGHTER
32:58No, very clean,
33:00but it's just my immediate surroundings,
33:02wherever I am,
33:04for any extended period of time,
33:06just becomes disgusting.
33:08Like, I have this capacity
33:10for ceaseless mess creation.
33:12If you came to my house, Jon,
33:14because I know you have a certain aversion to mess...
33:16I'll be honest, I'm already put off the idea.
33:18LAUGHTER
33:20I suspect
33:22you would walk in
33:24and spontaneously combust.
33:26LAUGHTER
33:28Well, I'm not going to lie to you.
33:30I've been in touch with your girlfriend.
33:32This could go one of two ways.
33:34LAUGHTER
33:36What a terrible way to find out that I'm now single.
33:38LAUGHTER
33:40Use the toilet roll.
33:42LAUGHTER
33:44I've been in touch with your girlfriend
33:46and I've asked her to provide some pictures.
33:48Oh, little shit.
33:50LAUGHTER
33:52Let's have a look at them.
33:54Can I just say quickly, right,
33:56first of all, before we get into anything else,
33:58the thing that's blurred out is a copy of the Guardian newspaper.
34:00LAUGHTER
34:02Yeah, that's exactly what I'd say.
34:04LAUGHTER
34:06What upsets me most about this
34:08is the fact that here are newspapers
34:10on top of a fucking file!
34:12LAUGHTER
34:14APPLAUSE
34:16Let's have a look at the other part of the Nishkumar household.
34:18Oh, OK.
34:20I presume this is a desk, or was a desk at some point.
34:22Yeah, that's the table in my bedroom.
34:24Just a coat hanger there,
34:26just in case you ever decide to do something about all this.
34:28LAUGHTER
34:30What worries me is that this is a sort of wider sign
34:32of a way of being.
34:34Yeah.
34:36That isn't just about mess, it's about punctuality.
34:38Yeah.
34:40And two watches on the desk.
34:42LAUGHTER
34:44Two watches on the desk.
34:46LAUGHTER
34:48Two watches on the desk says,
34:50I'm aware of time, it just doesn't exist for me.
34:52LAUGHTER
34:54If you can bear it, let's pop into the kitchen.
34:56Oh, no!
34:58LAUGHTER
35:00OK, OK, let me explain to you what's happened here.
35:02Do, please.
35:04Because I feel like I know the first thing you're going to ask me.
35:06Why is there a giant manila envelope on my cooker?
35:08LAUGHTER
35:10It didn't even occur to me that Keating paper
35:12was going to be in here.
35:14A great idea round the house.
35:16What are we having for tea tonight?
35:18Charred envelope in the husk of what used to be our house.
35:20LAUGHTER
35:22I'm very impressed, I have to say,
35:24by the range of oils and vinegars.
35:26LAUGHTER
35:28So many of those are empty!
35:30LAUGHTER
35:32There's a lot of problems there.
35:34If I could just, on behalf of everyone in a similar relationship
35:36to yours, ask,
35:38how long it takes to flip the fucking lid?
35:40LAUGHTER
35:42APPLAUSE
35:46What are we looking at there?
35:48A third of a second?
35:50LAUGHTER
35:52The absolute carnage that is your house, just...
35:54There you go, there's a little nod.
35:56There was a point where, like, everyone in my life
35:58is now like, you need to get a cleaner.
36:00And there was a point where I would be so embarrassed
36:02for a cleaner to come in and see it
36:04that I was like,
36:06well, we may as well just live like this now.
36:08It seems to go wider than that.
36:10It seems to be that this is the sort of environment
36:12that you feel comfortable in and it's sort of,
36:14it's almost like hoarding.
36:16I want you to feel comfortable on the show,
36:18don't get me wrong, so I believe
36:20one of my Johns, my glamorous assistant,
36:22is going to bring in a sort of environment...
36:24LAUGHTER
36:26Oh, no!
36:28LAUGHTER
36:30APPLAUSE
36:32Nothing too gooey,
36:34that seems to be like an applicator.
36:36This looks exactly like my living room.
36:38Why do you still have CDs?
36:40I like to engage with physical media, Desiree.
36:42I feel that the culture of downloading
36:44creates a sense of anonymity
36:46that lessens the connection
36:48between audience and artist.
36:50So, I hope I've been able to help you
36:52make some changes in your life
36:54for your girlfriend, if nothing else.
36:56As far as a solution to your kitchen and living room,
36:58such as I see them,
37:00I think I've got a possible solution for you,
37:02which the Johns will bring out for you now.
37:04This could be the solution to...
37:06LAUGHTER
37:10A couple of John Richardson Ultimate Warrior
37:12leaf blowers there.
37:14I guess start by channelling it all into a corner.
37:16Should I give this a go?
37:18Yeah, get rid of that stuff there.
37:20I would recommend away from me.
37:22LAUGHTER
37:24Away from me.
37:26LAUGHTER
37:30I'll be honest, this is backfired.
37:32LAUGHTER
37:34I'm only smart, I'm only smart!
37:36APPLAUSE
37:40How did you not see that coming?
37:42Yeah.
37:44I just was so sure you would do that away from me.
37:46LAUGHTER
37:48So, let's file away the worry
37:50that you are a disgusting human.
37:52I sort of feel like it's not for you to comment on.
37:54Yeah, no, I feel like I've got to sit this one out.
37:56I'll tell you what I'll do.
37:58I'll get some people around to clean up over a full weekend
38:00and then I'll come and stay with you.
38:02Is that cool?
38:04Yeah.
38:06I'll give you my address after.
38:08I'm going to put it in as a medium worry.
38:10I'm going to check back in with you in a year or so.
38:12OK, fine.
38:14I mean, it should be near teenagers and expired milk.
38:16That's perfect.
38:18The perfect spot.
38:20For this disgusting human.
38:22APPLAUSE
38:26That's it for part three. Join us after the break.
38:28APPLAUSE
38:44Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
38:46where tonight we're looking at worries from the world of humanity.
38:48Now I've got just enough time for one more worry,
38:50which tonight is this.
38:52I worry that animals deserve the planet more than we do.
38:54So we've talked a lot about the sort of end of the world tonight,
38:56and the focus is always on people and humans
38:58and the end of the world for humans.
39:00Let's be honest, we're going to take everything out on the planet with us,
39:02which seems slightly unfair to me.
39:04Humans are already responsible
39:06for the greatest extinction of species
39:08since the dinosaurs were wiped out.
39:10Here is a graph which plots human existence
39:12alongside extinction of species.
39:14Oh, my God.
39:16That's a rough correlation, I would say.
39:18Just in recent history,
39:20just absolutely flying through the species.
39:22I just feel like animals deserve a shot without us here,
39:24without us taking them out.
39:26Do you like animals?
39:28No.
39:30LAUGHTER
39:32It's not that I don't like animals,
39:34it's that I don't trust them.
39:36LAUGHTER
39:38I've seen Planet of the Apes,
39:40I've seen Babe,
39:42something's going on.
39:44LAUGHTER
39:46We also argue animals are more patient than we are,
39:48and this is a clip from a show called
39:50My Life As An Animal,
39:52and they would send people to try and live alongside animals.
39:54Just the dignity that was taken away from these animals.
39:56Pigs are very intelligent creatures.
39:58Pigs can recognise their own name at two weeks.
40:00There are pigs who've been known to sing
40:02to their young while they're feeding
40:04to help relax them,
40:06and yet they were subjected
40:08to two weeks of their life
40:10with this.
40:12Oh, oh.
40:14OK, I'm going to try and think pig.
40:16Think pig.
40:18Oh, that's lovely.
40:20There it is.
40:22Oh.
40:24I really enjoy this.
40:26LAUGHTER
40:32The thrill for me is
40:34seeing them do new stuff, really.
40:36I mean, this is a completely different
40:38quality of interaction.
40:40They're less interested in me,
40:42so it's much harder for me to get their attention.
40:44I'm really, really pleased
40:46that we did the swap,
40:48that I got a chance to come over here,
40:50because that's really completed the picture for me.
40:52Was that last pig sniffing his butt
40:54at the end?
40:56Who would have thought in that show
40:58that the pigs would have come out with all the dignity?
41:00Yeah.
41:02I think animals are definitely having better sex than we are,
41:04and that is related to...
41:06Some of them.
41:08The foxes are screaming at night.
41:10That can't be satisfying.
41:12They're into some weird shit now.
41:14Foxes are into some Fifty Shades stuff,
41:16like it's weird what's going on in my garden.
41:18Corkscrew dicks.
41:20That's what's happening there.
41:22I wasn't calling you guys.
41:24Sorry.
41:26Listen up, corkscrew dicks.
41:28This is a headline from the Independent newspaper.
41:30Blind, bisexual, polyamorous goose
41:32involved in love triangle
41:34dies age 40.
41:36I mean, I ain't never getting a headline
41:38that I've written about.
41:40If I died at 40, it would say,
41:42man inhales fumes from cleaning products in his apartment.
41:44I mean,
41:46albeit some animals don't quite have
41:48the same sex we do.
41:50When the queen bee, she will mate with all the drones
41:52in her community.
41:54Following the sex, the drone's penises explode.
41:56After mating with the queen,
41:58explains why Prince Philip looks so pissed off later.
42:00Let's file away the worry
42:02that animals deserve the planet more than we do.
42:04For me, if you have a list of everything
42:06people have done wrong,
42:08which is basically what this is,
42:10then it's just the solution to the problem.
42:12We'll fuck off and let dogs have a go.
42:14There it is.
42:16Filed as a severe worry.
42:24That's it for this week on Ultimate Worry.
42:26Please thank my guests Nish Kumar and Desiree Birch.
42:30I, for one, have learned this this week.
42:32We've discussed some of the biggest questions
42:34humanity has to offer.
42:36How will the world end?
42:38What is the next step in evolution?
42:40Are aliens a threat to mankind?
42:42But most importantly,
42:44will Nish ever learn to shut the lid on his ketchup?
42:46Goodnight!
43:00Thanks for watching!
43:02Subscribe for more!