First broadcast 28th August 2019.
Jon Richardson
Matt Forde
Tom Allen
Rosie Jones
Jon Richardson
Matt Forde
Tom Allen
Rosie Jones
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00🎵
00:26APPLAUSE
00:32Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worrier,
00:34the show where I discuss all of the world's worries
00:37and then file them away neatly for future reference.
00:40This is my Worry Index.
00:42It's home to millions of worries,
00:44all of which have been categorised and ranked
00:46following decades of thorough analysis.
00:48This week, we'll be looking at some brand-new worries,
00:51all related to the theme of holidays.
00:54Before we crack on with the show,
00:56please welcome my guests for tonight,
00:58Rosie Jones, Tom Allen and Matt Fall!
01:00APPLAUSE
01:04Hello, hello.
01:06Thank you for coming, thank you for coming.
01:08Thank you for coming.
01:10Thank you for coming.
01:12Thank you for coming.
01:14Hi. Do please be seated on what has been described as
01:17quite a comfy couch.
01:19Very comfortable.
01:21I can't speak for the chemistry between the three of you,
01:23but in terms of padding, I've done what I can.
01:25LAUGHTER
01:27I think the chemistry's going to be fabulous.
01:29Yeah, it's a Rosie between two dickheads.
01:35LAUGHTER
01:40So, shall we crack on with the show
01:42and log our first worry of tonight?
01:45Tom, do you have a holiday-related worry for me?
01:47Yes. I recently went on holiday to America
01:50and I was very worried that somebody was going to smuggle drugs
01:54into my luggage.
01:56I was in the airport, I thought, I'm going to get to the other side,
01:58they're going to search my bags, there's going to be drugs in there,
02:00they're going to go, what's this?
02:02I say, I have no idea, they say, yeah, fat chance,
02:04you're going down, not in a good way,
02:06and then I'll have to go to prison
02:09and then my only hope of reprieve will be
02:11to go on one of those programmes like Banged Up Abroad.
02:13LAUGHTER
02:15I've shopped all that, so I'm worried I might get banged up abroad.
02:18Fine.
02:19There's only so much text we can get on there.
02:21Sure.
02:22Prison features a lot in the worry index,
02:24there's about 1,000 prison-related worries in there.
02:26These are my current top three prison-related worries.
02:29Number three, I worry about the breakfast options.
02:32Yes. Oh, yes.
02:34I don't want to get judged on my first day in prison,
02:36but I imagine the phrase, do you do a non-dairy porridge?
02:40Oh, they do, mate.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:45APPLAUSE
02:52Anyway, next prison-related worry, the remote control.
02:57What programme did you want?
02:59Well, do you mind if I just finish watching The David Attenborough?
03:02OK, I'll turn it over now.
03:04And final prison worry,
03:06I worry I won't get to choose my own nickname.
03:09That's got some control, wouldn't it?
03:11I'm not against the Duchess, but could we try Rico for a week?
03:15Let's see if it sticks.
03:17What do people do in prison all day?
03:19Do you ever wonder?
03:20Depends who you talk to.
03:22But, like, they don't sew mailbags, do they?
03:24Do they, like...
03:25I always think I'd be quite good at doing, like,
03:27a pottery course or something like that.
03:29Or maybe I'd learn a language.
03:31Or maybe I'd finally get a boyfriend.
03:35Shall we all do it tonight?
03:39Shall we, like... Kill someone?
03:41Kill one of these?
03:46Yeah, I was sort of pinning a few hopes on a third series of these.
03:51Well, I know who we're going to kill
03:55if I had my eye on them.
03:59You're a good talker.
04:01Yeah.
04:03How would you do it?
04:06Brilliant. So...
04:11I'd fashion an icicle at home
04:17and I'd stab him
04:20and then I'd leave the icicle to rot.
04:26Oh, no.
04:28So there wouldn't be a murder weapon
04:34and they will never find me
04:38because I'm a cute little disabled lady.
04:47Oh, no.
04:51So bring it back to you're at the airport,
04:53cos this is your fear, is it's going to happen at the airport.
04:56So have you got a sort of way of moving through the airport
04:59to avoid detection as a drug smuggler?
05:01Of course, we all do.
05:03I always walk very normally.
05:05Oh. Oh, I can't do that.
05:12So it was a normal sort of airport walk.
05:14I'll be airport security.
05:16I was going to say, rather than mincing, I make sure I walk...
05:19Cos as soon as you start mincing, people are like,
05:21what's he got up there?
05:23I'm going to be by the gate.
05:25So you're going to be the...
05:27I wasn't prepared for some physical theatre audience.
05:30I should point out, I've got a dog as well.
05:32I love dogs. I love dogs so much.
05:35So I've walked through...
05:37You see, now I'd normally walk like this.
05:39No, no, no.
05:41Please, please. Biscuit, biscuit, let him go.
05:43Biscuits, please.
05:45And they'd be like, oh, he seems fine.
05:47But my normal walk would be like, oh, like this.
05:51What's he got up there?
05:53Some of the things that people try and get through customs with
05:57are quite remarkable.
05:59A woman on a flight from Singapore
06:01tried to sneak 51 live tropical fish
06:03in a special skirt she'd had made.
06:05Oh! Sexy!
06:10A Chilean family tried to wheel a dead relative
06:12through JFK Airport...
06:16..to avoid paying fees for transporting a body.
06:21An Australian traveller was caught with two live pigeons
06:24on his trousers.
06:26It's always in Australia, isn't it?
06:28Yeah.
06:30It's always a snake in a suitcase.
06:32And you think, they've got enough of them over there,
06:34you don't need to bring them in.
06:36Sounds like a compliment about your sexual technique.
06:38There's a real snake in the suitcase.
06:40My number one tip if you don't want to get searched,
06:43if you pack your suitcase very neatly,
06:46they also...
06:48If you pick the right channel where you have someone
06:51like one of the most brutal security attendants.
06:53I was on a flight going through Bristol Airport
06:55and my bag got selected for extra screening.
06:58And she unzipped my suitcase and she opened it
07:01and she saw how methodically packed everything was
07:04and genuinely she went,
07:06you go on, love, I don't want to ruin it.
07:10There could have been fucking anything in there.
07:14Um, actually, I shouldn't say this...
07:19Please do.
07:21But no-one ever texted me.
07:29Because you can't be a terrorist
07:35if you talk like this.
07:40But you can, as we found out, be a serial killer.
07:43Yes! Yes!
07:45So now we're going to log your worry, Tom.
07:47And the worry, of course, is I worry I might get banged up abroad.
07:51And clearly, that now is a low worry.
07:54It's an irrational worry that I think everyone has,
07:57but the likelihood of it happening is very low,
07:59especially to someone who I imagine isn't travelling
08:02to some of the more drug-bound places on the planet.
08:05So, Tom, I'm putting that down as a low worry.
08:12So, Matt, you are this week's guest with benefits,
08:15which means that you've gone one step further.
08:17You've put in some extra graft in the name of worrying, which is...
08:23..I worry every time I go on holiday with Jon.
08:26And what's your problem?
08:28My problem is, holidays are meant to be fun.
08:33Let me just paint a picture.
08:35We've been to New York four times together.
08:37We had a holiday in Bridgeport once, which was very nice.
08:40We had a week or so in a cottage.
08:42Now, this was in between Christmas and New Year,
08:44and there was a thunderstorm one night.
08:47Now, I went to the toilet.
08:49First mistake.
08:51I came out, and he turned all the lights off,
08:55and it was this howling gale.
08:57Everything's rattling. We're in the middle of nowhere.
08:59We're near the sea.
09:01And I could just hear him moving around,
09:04and every occasion, I was just going,
09:05Jon, please, you're freaking me out.
09:07And then occasionally, I could just hear...
09:09HE CHUCKLES
09:11This went on, and this is no life for an hour.
09:14It's simply going round.
09:17Oh, I still have nightmares about that.
09:20Would you like to go on holiday with me, either of you?
09:22No.
09:24Doesn't sound like a very relaxing time.
09:26No, and I'll tell you this.
09:28He will assault you in your sleep.
09:30What?! Oh, look at him laughing about it.
09:33I remember waking up and going,
09:35I keep getting these weird pains on my head, on my cheek,
09:39and on, like, parts of my body, and he went,
09:41I don't know what it is.
09:43And then the following night, I woke up,
09:46and he was whacking me because I was snoring.
09:50Your snoring is...
09:52I mean, you've got full-on sleep apnea,
09:54and when you get the diagnosis, I want you to remember I told you,
09:57but you stop breathing for long periods.
09:59That seems to be what you want.
10:04Regular snoring is quite rhythmic.
10:08Cartoon snoring. What you do is this, you go...
10:27It's terrifying, so I have to wake you up.
10:29Now you've done some homework on this.
10:31I've done some preparation, so if you wouldn't mind.
10:33You want to be the host? Yes, please.
10:36That comes next.
10:39I'll sit on your chair, then. OK.
10:41Hi, guys.
10:43The first part of the holiday, of course, is the plane, is the flight.
10:46It's an enjoyable time to be on the plane,
10:48that's where the holiday starts.
10:50For most people, this is the sort of experience they'll have on the plane.
10:53With their friends.
10:55A top hat, a selfie, free drinks.
10:57Tossers.
10:59Travelling with John on a plane is like this.
11:03Second, on a recent holiday,
11:05we hadn't even left the tarmac, and you were ruining it.
11:09No, well, in my defence, we hadn't even left the tarmac,
11:12and that is about the 18th picture you've taken of me
11:14since we sat down on the plane.
11:16I just wanted to watch Cloudy with a chance of meatballs, too.
11:21Now, going on a holiday, part of the excitement is listening to holiday music.
11:25Maybe a bit of Oasis or Kasabian or Spill A Brew Jet.
11:30Not with John.
11:32This is John's idea of holiday music.
11:43What a tune, right?
11:45Just to give you an idea, we went to New York in December.
11:51It's not an appropriate playlist.
11:53Moving on.
11:56John is a threat to your security if you go out socialising with him.
12:00John will get too drunk and then force you to look after him,
12:03as this next photo proves.
12:05Oh.
12:07Look at that. That's not a good photo.
12:09That's not a good photo.
12:11Just know the kind of haze of booze around him.
12:15That's his breath.
12:17And you were so drunk, you insisted on playing darts.
12:20I think...
12:22You're saying he was that drunk and you let him hold darts?
12:25Oh, yeah. And then throw them?
12:27Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:29This is Exhibit D. This is Brooklyn at 11am.
12:32Oh.
12:34John's fifth drink of the day.
12:36The day almost ruined.
12:38Admittedly, that was early.
12:40We then got the train to the airport when John was absolutely leathered,
12:43and when we got out of the taxi at the airport,
12:46John was sick on my shoes.
12:49So that was diabolical behaviour.
12:51I'm going to put the counter-argument.
12:53You sit back down now. Thank you for that.
12:56Matt Ford, ladies and gentlemen.
12:58Thank you very much.
13:02Now, just to put the counter-argument
13:04that you are drinking as heavily as I am, you just handle it better,
13:07this, to my knowledge, is the worst hangover you've ever had,
13:10and I can only hope that showing you the picture brings it back for you now.
13:13This is Matt and I at breakfast.
13:18Look at that.
13:20That is an emotional hangover, isn't it?
13:22Yeah. It was a cracking holiday and I was there.
13:25So, I do apologise for some of my worse errantics,
13:28and I certainly apologise for vomiting on your shoes.
13:31So I've taken the liberty of getting you...
13:33They were the ones? Those are the trainers.
13:35They were like pubis! Oh, my God!
13:37Those are the trainers.
13:39APPLAUSE
13:42They're the exact ones.
13:44I should point out I have pissed in those.
13:47And now we're going to log the worry.
13:49I mean, quite clearly, after the evidence that has been presented,
13:52it's obviously a severe worry.
13:54I think we all go on holiday to escape the parts of our life
13:58that we're not happy with.
14:00And, sadly, when you are the part of your life you're not happy with,
14:03then you're always on holiday with yourself.
14:05So, Holiday Companions, namely me, is a severe worry.
14:08Thank you very much.
14:11It's time for a short break now. See you in a bit.
14:16APPLAUSE
14:29Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
14:31where tonight we are looking at worries related to holidays.
14:35And our next worry to log into the index is this.
14:39I worry my next holiday will be ruined by a drone.
14:42Oh!
14:44So, I thought they were just toys for sort of sad middle-aged men
14:47who weren't happy in their marriages.
14:49And then, last Christmas, this happened.
14:52Chaos in the skies!
14:54Manhunt for Gatwick drone attacker
14:56who cancels Christmas for thousands.
14:59So, this is a growing problem in the UK.
15:01According to UK Airprox Board, who are all about air safety,
15:05there were 18 near misses between aircraft and drones in Britain
15:08between July and October 2018.
15:10Now, apparently, they fly them up there
15:12because they want to get footage of a take-off.
15:15Like, oh, I nearly missed it,
15:17but I did get footage of a near accident that I fucking caused.
15:21So, to have a look at what can potentially happen
15:24when a drone hits an airplane wing,
15:26there's this video here.
15:34The drone did not shatter apart.
15:36It completely penetrated and it was buried inside the wing.
15:40You can see a hole in the leading edge here.
15:42The main spar is dented.
15:44There's several fasteners that are pulled from the spar
15:47from the wing skin.
15:49There's some stringers that are bent.
15:51There's also some tubing inside that was also bent.
15:54So, there was a substantial amount of damage to the wing.
15:58Not what you want to happen.
16:00I feel like this has taken a light worry
16:02about your flight being cancelled
16:04to a new level of, I'm now worried
16:06I'm going to be in an aeroplane crash.
16:09Well, as the light relief in this video,
16:11it's great to see that the, what is this,
16:13the University of Dayton Research Institute
16:16has finally, and we've all been trying to do this for a long time,
16:19harnessed the power of the Minion.
16:26This guy's absolutely transforming the way we look at airplanes.
16:32So, there are various other ways a drone can ruin your holiday.
16:35Madly, there are people who take their drones on holiday
16:38so that they can then use them for God knows what.
16:41But I get that.
16:44I would take a drone on holiday.
16:50I would go to a nudist beach.
16:57But I wouldn't go there.
17:00I'd be in my lovely clothes,
17:05drive the drone down to the beach.
17:10You get to see everything.
17:14Is that creepy?
17:17No, no.
17:19Well, it's not the creepiest thing you've said tonight.
17:23Oh, God.
17:25But it's relatively creepy, I think.
17:28It's become the real sort of tech toy, hasn't it, the drone?
17:31Have you got a drone? Are you into this kind of thing?
17:33No, it's not my cup of tea.
17:35These are just flying binoculars.
17:37Allowing drones is just some sort of new pervs charter.
17:40And that's why I love it.
17:45It's really, you're right, it's a sort of pests toy.
17:48It's for, with all due respect, perverts.
17:51What I find fascinating is that their family enable this.
17:54It's the family that buy them these presents on Christmas Day.
17:57Christmas Day afternoon or Boxing Day,
17:59they're straight out on the driveway with their new toy,
18:02taking it out, and some of them get exactly what they deserve.
18:07OK, everything says it's safe to fly.
18:10The home point has been taken.
18:15Oh, no!
18:19At least we got that on video.
18:22And it's in the bin.
18:25It does beg the question, why don't we make aeroplanes
18:28out of what we make garage doors out of?
18:33I'm pleased to say that man was not deterred.
18:35He's gone on to perfect the drone,
18:37and he's gone from strength to strength.
18:51So that was at the Fyre Festival.
18:53Yeah, absolutely.
18:55Fuck all of those people.
18:57Queensland Police issued police with a special anti-drone gun
19:00to prevent people filming at the 2018 Commonwealth Games.
19:03Wow. It's this one, it's the drone gun.
19:05It actually works on sort of radio waves,
19:08so I suggest it doesn't need to be that big,
19:10but perhaps that man has some issues.
19:15If you can't afford a radio gun to take down a drone,
19:18they can be taken down with a very slight downgrade in the technology.
19:22I don't know if you've ever heard of toilet paper.
19:31CHEERING
19:37What a shot. That's amazing.
19:39Absolutely unbelievable.
19:41Now, the third technique for combating drones,
19:43if you don't have any toilet paper to hand,
19:46and this is, I think, the cheapest of all of them,
19:49is to just wait about five minutes,
19:51cos it seems like the batteries are really shit on them.
19:54Look out for the guy in green.
20:01WHIRRING
20:11Do it, do it, do it, do it!
20:14Get in!
20:16Yeah!
20:22CHEERING
20:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:30Oh, he's good.
20:33That's a Dutch man called Zwier Spanja,
20:36which is Dutch for he who saves robots.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:41So to try and sort of put a positive spin on the drone,
20:44in a holiday scenario,
20:46perhaps you could use it to intercept for good.
20:48If you're the sort of person who gets carried away on holiday
20:51and suddenly thinks they look good in a straw hat,
20:53perhaps a friend or passing colleague
20:55could use a drone to knock that hat off your head.
20:58So I'm going to invite you, Tom, to be the driver of the drone.
21:03I mean, I think we've already established it's a very blokey toy,
21:07and therefore I am the natural choice.
21:09LAUGHTER
21:11There we go, so the drone is now active.
21:13Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
21:15It's so exciting. It's so exciting.
21:17I'm going to wear the hat, and what I want you to do
21:19is knock the hat off my head with the drone.
21:22Really? Yeah, if you can.
21:24CHEERING
21:26I'm genuinely not very good at this sort of thing.
21:28Mate, aim low.
21:30LAUGHTER
21:34If I go like this, it makes it go up, I think.
21:37Whoa. Oh, oh.
21:39Not towards the audience.
21:41CHEERING
21:49Did I do it?
21:52Let me just...
21:54Let me just make sure it's dead.
21:56Let me just make sure it's dead.
21:58LAUGHTER
22:03Oh, I was so excited.
22:05I was very anxious all of a sudden,
22:07cos it was looking like it was going towards that man.
22:10And I was like, oh, my God,
22:12I've done what Rosie said we were going to do.
22:15And it was actually him.
22:20LAUGHTER
22:22APPLAUSE
22:26So, it's time to log the worry now.
22:28I just need to check Phil's all right in the lighting, can't he?
22:31He wasn't using his left bollock anyway, to be fair to you.
22:35So, the worry is, I worry my holiday will be ruined by a drone.
22:39I think, safe to say after that demonstration,
22:41that it's going in as a low worry.
22:44Any threat to your holiday that being taken out by toilet paper
22:47probably isn't that much of a threat.
22:49So, drones go in there as a low worry.
22:55That's all for this part. I'll see you in a bit.
23:01Still to come...
23:02Our friendship's never going to be the same again.
23:04This is the least arousing striptease.
23:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:19Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
23:21where tonight we are looking at holidays.
23:23Rosie, do you have a holiday-related worry for my index?
23:26Yes, I worry that when I check into hotels,
23:34they'll say something inappropriate to me,
23:40like, are you deaf?
23:45You're worried that hotel staff think you're deaf.
23:49Yes, and I'm right to be worried because it happens.
23:57So, strapping, I was checking into a hotel on holiday
24:08with my two friends and the receptionist saw me coming
24:17and I went, hello!
24:21And she shat herself.
24:27She brought out a form and she passed it to me
24:34and it said, form for all guests who are deaf.
24:45And I passed it back to her and I went, no, no, I'm not deaf.
24:55And then what she decided to do was commit.
25:05She passed it back to me and went,
25:10yeah, could you fill it in anyway?
25:19In case you become deaf on the course of the holiday.
25:23And it said, question one, if the fire alarm goes off,
25:32will you be able to hear it?
25:41Yes.
25:44Question number two, reason why,
25:48and that part, because I'm not deaf.
25:55There you go!
25:58Anyone had a bad experience checking in?
26:00Oh, well, I've had bad experiences in hotels generally,
26:04like, I mean, very similar level of drama,
26:07if you know what I'm saying, Rosie.
26:09Once I got refused cheese on toast in a hotel bar.
26:12What?
26:13Yeah.
26:14Can you, in the 21st century?
26:17In this outfit, and I...
26:21What time is it?
26:22It's late in the evening, it's sort of 11, 12 o'clock at night.
26:26I was...
26:27Prime cheese on toast time.
26:29A perfect time for cheese on toast, right?
26:31Right.
26:32Wrong.
26:33So, I was in the bar and I went up to the staff there
26:38and I said, excuse me,
26:39I see on your room service menu that you do cheese on toast.
26:43I wonder, since I'm down in the bar,
26:45could I order it to have downstairs in the bar?
26:48They said, no.
26:50I said, well, that seems very strange.
26:52I said, well, can I order it to my room?
26:54And they said, yes.
26:55I said, well, can I order it to my room then and bring it down?
26:58And they said, no.
27:01What?
27:02Exactly, Rosie.
27:04And I said, well, that seems very odd, why is that?
27:08And they said, well, if we do it for you, everybody will want it.
27:12LAUGHTER
27:14Firstly, they were selling this, so surely that's a good thing.
27:17Secondly, there were about four people in the bar.
27:20LAUGHTER
27:22They said, everyone will want it.
27:23I said, what do you mean, everyone will want it?
27:25And they said, no, well, things could get out of hand.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:29What do you mean, out of hand?
27:31Do you think people across the town are going to be, like,
27:33waking up in their beds going, oh, what's that smell?
27:35Oh, Maurice, wake up, can you smell cheese on toast
27:38they're doing in that hotel bar?
27:40And they wake up, put on their dress and gowns,
27:42come marching down the street, knocking on their neighbour's door,
27:45come on, we've got to have cheese on toast.
27:47Waking everybody in the town up, they're doing a conga into the bar,
27:50demanding cheese on toast, presumably,
27:52throwing cheese on toast at one another,
27:54a food fight breaks out, it's going up the carpet,
27:56Maurice is lying on the floor, covering cheese on toast, he's blind.
28:00The cheese on toast catches fire, the whole place burns down,
28:03everybody dies, and they said, I'm sure you can imagine.
28:06I said, no, I couldn't imagine it at all.
28:08LAUGHTER
28:10I seem to remember being with you when you ordered a pizza to a hotel.
28:13Oh, yes, in Lincoln. Was it Lincoln?
28:15Ordered two Domino's pizzas and passed out.
28:18And I woke up in the morning and had, for the first time ever,
28:21over 100 missed calls, because the driver, the office and another driver
28:26tried to ring me each 30-odd times.
28:29But I've got a real thing about ordering,
28:31so the thing that I really like in a hotel that's quite similar to you is,
28:34I like to order a ham sandwich on room service, but eat it in bed naked.
28:38LAUGHTER
28:40That's not similar to me at all.
28:42It's not!
28:44I think it's such a luxurious thing to think,
28:46what I'm eating in bed, which is naughty,
28:48I'm naked, that's naughty, it's not my own bed, that's naughty,
28:51like, ham's obviously not naughty, that's pure,
28:54but it's just a mix of all those conflicting feelings.
28:57The problem you've all made, I think, is room service.
28:59I don't take any room service, because once I get into a hotel,
29:02that is my flat.
29:03I put the Do Not Disturb sign straight on the door.
29:05I don't want anybody in there, because it's where my underpants are.
29:09So I'll give you a number of tips,
29:11little Rico tips for staying in a hotel.
29:13Here's your classic hotel room.
29:15This sort of situation here, this is what you're going to get straight to grips with.
29:18Ooh, it's very high-tech, isn't it?
29:20Your light switches here instantly work out what light switch goes to what light.
29:25You don't want a situation at three in the morning
29:27where you go for a piss and you blackpool illumination,
29:30because you've flipped the main switch.
29:32Find the fridge, you might want to turn that off.
29:34If you find the fridge you don't want to turn it off,
29:36by all means, go to Tesco Metro, get yourself some snacks,
29:39put them in the fridge.
29:40You're allowed, you're allowed.
29:42Then you want to find, up here, you're going to find the hotel safe.
29:46Now, that's obviously where you're keeping all your cherished items.
29:49What you do there, you pick your four-digit code, whatever it is, 4521,
29:54but what you also do, before you key in 4521,
29:57you key in any other four numbers,
29:59so that anyone using a fingerprint detector
30:02won't be able to identify the four digits that you've used.
30:06So you press all the buttons first,
30:08so they don't know what your code is.
30:10Wow.
30:12I'm amazed, the first thing you don't do is take off that pillow.
30:15Oh, that's gone, yeah, that's over on the chair.
30:17You know they're not washed.
30:19It's nothing more than a sex poster.
30:22It's a sex poster, it's been used countless times.
30:26Literally countless times.
30:28People are propping limbs up on it.
30:31People with hip problems are using it,
30:33so they can get it in at the right angle.
30:36It's disgusting.
30:38And you know what, they wipe themselves on the curtains, John, I'm sorry.
30:42It's a well-known fact.
30:44Those curtains in a hotel, you could get pregnant off them.
30:49Let's speak from experience.
30:51I once worked in a hotel where I was a chambermaid for a while,
30:55and I saw some things I will never forget.
30:58Namely, I saw somebody cleaning the teaspoons like this.
31:02Oh!
31:04I'll tell you, I'll tell you.
31:06Those flannels, they've never been used on a face.
31:09Oh!
31:13No way.
31:16No way.
31:18So we're going to log the worry now, Rosie.
31:20The worry is, I worry that hotel staff think I'm deaf.
31:23It's a tricky one for me, this.
31:25It's obviously a serious thing that's happened to you.
31:29What I'm struggling with is that you seem to have taken it quite well
31:32and you can laugh about it, but there is still attention in the room
31:35and there is still a wrong that hasn't been righted.
31:37So if I might invite one of the Johns
31:40to resolve perhaps the greatest crime that has faced.
31:44Please present Tom with his cheese on toast.
31:46Oh!
31:48And there's one for each of you there if you want some cheese on toast.
31:52A hotel I can enjoy.
31:54So, Rosie, thank you for making the best of people
31:57who have had no training in disability and moving forward with your life.
32:00You are welcome.
32:02It's a severe worry, but for Tom's cheese on toast,
32:04we're logging that as a moderate worry there.
32:06Oh!
32:07Enjoy your cheese on toast.
32:09So I worry that hotel staff think I'm deaf,
32:11thanks to the cheese on toast, is a moderate worry.
32:18Time for a short break now.
32:20I'm off back to the hotel to check that nobody's been in there
32:23and touched my stuff. I'll see you in a bit.
32:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:39Welcome back to Ultimate Worry Hour.
32:41We have been looking into the theme of holidays.
32:43It's time now to move on to my biggest holiday worry of the night.
32:50I worry about getting naked in public.
32:54I'm not talking about anything indecent.
32:56I'm not talking about anything unsavoury.
32:58I'm simply talking about the act of being on holiday
33:02and frequently in situations where you are forced to take your clothes off
33:07and deal with the hideous nature of your own body
33:11and other people looking at it.
33:14Anyone happy being naked?
33:17Only when I'm having my ham sandwich in my hotel room.
33:21I find I'm very much somebody who's very modest in the gym.
33:25Some people are very open in the gym.
33:27I like a towel.
33:29I like a towel.
33:31I think a towel, in theory, used well, covers all sins.
33:35I use classic towel technique.
33:37If I'm in the gym or somewhere like that, I'll take the towel.
33:40I assume we were doing the same thing, a classic wrap-around.
33:43I don't dismantle a deck chair before I do it.
33:46This is a cutting-edge thing in towels.
33:49You're like an old ice-cream seller.
33:52Gelato!
33:55Do all the voices.
33:57So what I'll do is I'll wrap the towel around
33:59and then I'll quickly retreat to the furthest corner of whichever room I'm in.
34:04Even at home you do this?
34:06Oh, I'm never naked at home.
34:08What about the shower?
34:10I'm sometimes naked in the shower, yeah.
34:13These are some of the places that I don't feel comfortable being nude.
34:17The beach, first and foremost.
34:20Where I am!
34:22Captain Perve in the background.
34:24Yeah! I'm having a lovely time.
34:28Beach, as you can see, fully wrapped up there.
34:31Next up, changing room at the gym.
34:34He's smiling.
34:36He is enjoying it.
34:40Oh, yeah, yeah.
34:43I'm going to see John Richardson's dick.
34:46My final place I don't like to be naked.
34:48In the bed.
34:50Oh!
34:51Bit of cheese on toast for you.
34:54Let's look at a novelty John Richardson bookmark.
34:58Oh, that's a great idea.
35:00John Richardson bed warmers.
35:02Well, that's different.
35:05Like a bookmark, but for your bed.
35:07Slide me into the bed and I'll just keep the bed warm.
35:09It's like a hot water bottle, but with my head and oversized shoulders on the top.
35:13If it means I get to pour boiling water through your mouth, I'm well up for it.
35:18The solution to nudity seems to be you've got to go all in.
35:22And you've got to absolutely own it.
35:24Nobody has owned nudity, to my knowledge, more than the post-war Germans.
35:29Everybody says that, right?
35:31A movement called Free Body Culture, Freikörperkultur.
35:36And in the German Democratic Republic, obviously a highly restricted zone,
35:40there was an embracing of being naked, especially by gentlemen.
35:45And this is the sort of thing they would get up to.
35:48Wow.
35:49Of course, that tower bridge.
35:51That man on the right being held up, he's got quite a job, hasn't he?
35:55And above his buttocks, is that a drone I see coming in?
35:59I was there.
36:03I am definitely the guy right on the end there.
36:06Shorts on, hands on hips, as if to say,
36:09yeah, this is all fine, isn't it?
36:13You'd think of Gone Britain's Got Talent.
36:16I'd go, all right, it's the great German nudist display team.
36:19They're really good.
36:20And then you don't see the willies, do you?
36:22Because you're looking at the abs and the arms.
36:24So confident.
36:25In the spirit of strength and confidence,
36:27this is the part of the show where I face my worry head on,
36:30which tonight means getting naked in public.
36:38So I've prepared a scene over there where I thought,
36:43if I can first get naked in front of a friend...
36:46Oh, hello.
36:47So, you and I.
36:50I just thought...
36:53You're asking me to get naked?
36:56I'm asking for you to help support me.
36:59Do I have to get naked as well?
37:01We have to get changed together, otherwise it's just weird.
37:04I'm sure I've been on dates like this.
37:08It's just me getting my cock out in front of you.
37:11Yeah, but it's your problem, not mine.
37:13Why am I involved?
37:14But you have an issue with nudity, you said.
37:17Well, everyone does. Why don't we all do it?
37:21See if it catches on. I'll be behind the screen.
37:24I love the fact that this has escalated.
37:26Join me on day for the show where we start by killing an audience member
37:29and then we all get our bits out.
37:37Oh, man.
37:38So, I've prepared you, if you'll come with me,
37:40a towel and some shorts.
37:41Oh, man.
37:43Oh, God!
37:45This couldn't be worse.
37:47This is where we'll be.
37:48What the fuck is going on?!
37:50Oh, my God!
37:53Oh, my God!
37:55This is a dream. This is a...
37:57Oh, my God. My feet are like that.
38:00Oh, man.
38:02Oh, what the fuck are you doing, man?
38:06Well, I'll start.
38:07I'm shaking a bit.
38:09I think I'll be OK. I'll be strong, cos you're weak.
38:12Oh, my God.
38:14We've got towels, so in theory there's no need for either of us to...
38:17I can see...
38:18No, you're not going to see it. We're going to wrap towels around.
38:21But the idea of doing it in this environment
38:23Oh, this isn't big enough.
38:25Oh, fuck. Of course it's not big enough.
38:27Of course it's not. I mean, that...
38:29That's a T-shirt.
38:31For Christ's sake.
38:33That's a T-shirt.
38:34Oh, man.
38:35That's a stitch-up, that.
38:36OK, but you seem cooler with it than me,
38:38which makes me think that you're quite liking it.
38:41I'm still at a phase where I haven't accepted
38:43that any of this is happening.
38:45I see William Jones going to come over,
38:47some sort of...
38:48Keep an eye on Rosie Jones.
38:50So, let's start with shoes.
38:52OK, that's fine.
38:54Our friendship's never going to be the same again after this.
38:57I'm worried that once you've seen it...
38:59I don't want to see it.
39:01You've now changed this into a bit about me confronting seeing your penis.
39:06I guess I'm worried that once you've seen it,
39:08you'll stop chasing it, you know?
39:12Oh!
39:14Oh, well done.
39:16I sort of feel like I'm watching some old vaudeville act
39:19where you're about to swap legs.
39:23There's top... OK.
39:26You've put your shirt off, Glen.
39:28Well, I just want to...
39:30I tell you what, there is a certain thrill to it, actually.
39:32I'm getting quite used to this.
39:35Oh, you're drawing strength from my weakness.
39:38Yes.
39:39Yes, I feel, I have to be honest.
39:41I like that.
39:42Oh, God, I thought you'd get away with that.
39:47Trousers next.
39:48I originally pitched this as a topical comedy show.
39:53Discuss the week's news.
39:55Oh, God.
39:56Always put his Calvin Klein's on.
40:00Someone was tipped off.
40:02See-through boxers, that's bold.
40:06What are they made of, cling film?
40:09What size have you got?
40:11That's not a question to ask in this scenario.
40:1534-inch waist, 12-inch...
40:17Yeah, these are...
40:19Come on, get them off.
40:21No, you do yours. You haven't put your towel on.
40:23I can't put my towel on!
40:24Come on, you do it.
40:25I can't do it.
40:28You can't. No-one's fucking...
40:31This is the least arousing striptease...
40:36He's doing it.
40:37..in the whole world.
40:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:41Oh!
40:44Oh!
40:49Wow!
40:58What the...
40:59Oh, you...
41:01In HD?
41:04Wish I had an HD.
41:09I can't believe, man.
41:10We're fucking naked on Telegram.
41:14I'm dead.
41:15LAUGHTER
41:18APPLAUSE
41:34So, we're going to log the worry now.
41:36The worry is that I worry about getting naked in public.
41:40Whilst we're in here, it's OK.
41:43Come on, man, it was good.
41:44Ah!
41:48It was really wet. It's wet on my shoulder.
41:51A big laugh, it was a big laugh.
41:53Oh, it's a severe worry.
41:56I'm going to need bigger towels.
41:58Getting naked in public, to repeat, remains a severe worry.
42:02APPLAUSE
42:08Well, that's it for this week on Ultimate Worrier.
42:11Thanks to my guests, who've threatened to kill people
42:14and try to fly a drone into my face.
42:17A massive thank you to Tom Allen, Rosie Jones and Mr Matt Ward!
42:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:23Thanks for watching. I'll see you next time.
42:26Goodnight.
42:41WHISTLING