Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S01 E07. Travel.
First broadcast 27th June 2018.
Jon Richardson
Kerry Godliman
Romesh Ranganathan
Rose Matafeo
Libby Jackson
Mike Bubbins
Jon Richardson
Kerry Godliman
Romesh Ranganathan
Rose Matafeo
Libby Jackson
Mike Bubbins
Transcript
00:00🎵
00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worry,
00:38the show where I break down the entire world's worries,
00:42such as, do I have an unhealthy obsession with order?
00:45I can't be sure until I've neatly categorised all my other worries
00:48in ascending order of magnitude.
00:50Here they all are, ranked and filed inside my worry index.
00:54Sort of the opposite of a wank bank.
00:58In fact, this can be used to help prolong lovemaking.
01:01Anything you see that's red in there has been classified as a severe worry.
01:05The orange ones are moderate worries,
01:08and anything I consider a low worry is...
01:11algae.
01:13Let's take a closer look at a severe worry of mine.
01:16That's this one.
01:18I worry that all the other John Richardsons hate me.
01:23I was worried for a lot of years
01:25that all the other John Richardsons would do something horrific
01:28and I would have to spend the rest of my life saying,
01:30no, not that one, after saying my name,
01:32and then I realised I am not John Richardson.
01:35I have cursed all other John Richardsons with the qualification,
01:38no, not the small comedian, the other guy.
01:41That's a quick glimpse into what's already in my worry index.
01:44Tonight we'll be logging some brand-new worries,
01:46all of which are related to the theme of travel,
01:49which is either a means of getting from one place to another,
01:51or an adjective meaning small,
01:53like travel scrabble, travel kettle,
01:55or John Richardson is a travel comedian.
01:57Travelling from all the way over there tonight,
01:59to help me, please welcome my guests,
02:01Kerry Godliman and Ramesh Ranganathan.
02:03APPLAUSE
02:17Hi, guys, thanks for coming. Hello.
02:19So we're talking about worry and travel.
02:21You, I mean, in your last few shows have been all over the world.
02:25Is there anywhere particularly worrisome for you?
02:28If you're brown with a beard, every kind of travel is worrying.
02:31I had a little bit of an incident where my mum,
02:35I was travelling with my mum back to the UK,
02:38and the guy at immigration on the other end,
02:41he looked at my mum's passport.
02:43My mum hasn't got a British passport, she's got a Sri Lankan passport,
02:46she is here legally, and he started checking it through
02:48and he said, I'm really sorry, but you cannot enter the UK legally.
02:53And I said, well, that is a problem, because she lives there.
02:57So what are we going to do?
02:59And he said, well, I don't know what to say.
03:02She can't get on the plane, she can't go to the UK.
03:04So my mum, understandably, started shitting herself.
03:07And so there's obviously the worry of your mum shitting herself,
03:10but also it is slightly funny, because I've got a British passport,
03:14this doesn't affect me at all, do you know what I mean?
03:16And then the guy sort of looked through the passport,
03:18and then he goes, oh, no, no, you can, it's on this page.
03:21I'm like, dude, check every page, do you hear me?
03:24That must have just been him taking the piss out of you, wasn't it?
03:27Or he just wanted to make her shit herself a bit.
03:29Yeah.
03:30Which I don't, you know, if he'd have told me that,
03:32I would have been in on it, do you know what I mean?
03:34Just sort of turned on her and gone,
03:36this doesn't look good for you, mum, what a nightmare.
03:39Do you travel about a bit?
03:40I travel about a bit, yeah.
03:42See, I didn't ask if you worry, because I know you worry,
03:44because I've checked your Twitter account,
03:46and I know that you are like me,
03:48and you have some sort of concerns about the evolution of the language
03:52and the sort of, the terms we use and how they evolve.
03:54Oh, no, I'm worried about what I tweeted now.
03:56Perfectly sensible tweet.
03:58You know, I'm very much in agreement with this.
04:00You put, of all the words that have become obsolete,
04:03how come knickers endures?
04:06It's one of the great questions of our time.
04:09Smashed it with the old retweets there as well, what was that?
04:15LAUGHTER
04:18Well, I've had a look into that issue for you,
04:20because I think it's a fascinating issue.
04:22Why does the word knickers continue so strongly?
04:25Yeah.
04:26I'll be honest, Kerry,
04:27you're doing quite a lot of the legwork here yourself.
04:29I've been through your Twitter account,
04:31this is one of your other recent tweets.
04:33Got as far as the bus stop,
04:34were yesterday's knickers still in the leg of my gears?
04:37Hashtag classy, 25 retweets, that one.
04:40Not long before that tweet was this.
04:43Left the 3 for 2 prize sticker on my new knickers.
04:46Hashtag super sexy.
04:48I'm really upset about this.
04:50Retweets are back down again,
04:51people getting a bit bored of the theme.
04:55TikTok, scroll down.
04:56How do you get your knickers out of your arse and still look good?
05:01Not so many retweets, a lot of likes there.
05:04Listen, if knickers goes out of use,
05:06you've not got a career anymore, do you?
05:08I have to say, to research that joke,
05:11I had to Twitter search Kerry Godliman's knickers.
05:14And I had a real moment when I thought I'd tweeted that
05:17instead of searching for it.
05:21So let's kick things off with my first worry of the night,
05:24which is this.
05:26I worry that some idiot will forget to engage flight mode
05:29and cause a plane crash.
05:31I've got stats to back this worry up.
05:33The International Air Transport Association
05:36have identified 75 incidents in the last six years
05:40where plane travel was affected by people using mobile phones.
05:44Now, as far as I'm concerned, one is too many.
05:4675 in six years.
05:48These incidents included electrical malfunction,
05:51problems with communication, problems with navigation,
05:54flight controls, landing gear and autopilot.
05:57So the issue is, apparently, that if you have it on the pilot's ear...
06:01Oh, is it like that ringing...
06:03..it makes a...
06:05And I think in a world where you're not allowed to stand
06:07next to a bus driver,
06:08you certainly wouldn't burst into the cockpit going,
06:10I did it, did it, did it!
06:12Do you have your flight mode on?
06:13I don't think I've ever turned my flight mode on when I've been on a plane
06:16cos I couldn't give a shit, bruv.
06:18I've rolled the dice every single time, Jon.
06:20And I'm here to tell the tale.
06:23But why push it, if you've been told?
06:25It makes flying much more exciting.
06:27When they go, make sure you turn flight mode on.
06:29I don't, and I get a little tingle in my balls,
06:31knowing that I've just...
06:33I've not done this.
06:34Everybody here thinks I have, but I haven't.
06:37You strike me as the sort of person who doesn't pay attention
06:39during the health and safety briefing, if I may say so.
06:43I did get told off once for not paying attention to the health and safety,
06:46only because I was doing the same flight over and over again,
06:49and I just sort of thought, I know...
06:51I've done it, I know it.
06:52Make an announcement for people like you,
06:54even if you travel frequently, they say.
06:56But everyone ignores that.
06:57Yeah.
06:58But why?
07:00Because it's silly.
07:01If you've seen it once, you've seen it.
07:03Yeah.
07:04It's different on some flights.
07:05It's the whistle, the doo-dah,
07:07children, you before the kid, heels off,
07:10jacket, goodbye.
07:12If you're dying, you're dying.
07:15That's not the one I remember.
07:18Ladies and gentlemen, a whistle, doo-dah.
07:20If you're dying, you're dying.
07:22But you are, you're living in a dream world
07:24if you're bothering about a whistle
07:25and you're coming down in a plane.
07:28What are you going to do?
07:29There's no hope.
07:30Pee!
07:31You're definitely going to die.
07:32Pee!
07:34I've come up with my own safety briefing
07:36for what I think...
07:38the sort of things we should be getting into on flight.
07:40So take as read, no using phones, things like that.
07:42Right.
07:43I've launched my own safety briefing
07:44and I would like you both to pay attention, please.
07:51Hi.
07:52Thanks for flying Ricoh Airways.
07:54Once you've put your bag away in the overhead locker,
07:56please note, if you've forgotten to take your book out,
07:59that's tough shit.
08:00And I'm afraid you won't be reading on this flight
08:02because I don't want to have to move.
08:04Please also note that you should not recline your seat
08:06at any point during the flight.
08:07If you recline your seat,
08:08I'm afraid to inform you that you are a dickhead.
08:10Eight millimetres of space isn't enough
08:12and three certainly isn't.
08:14If you need the toilet at any point during the flight,
08:17you will find the toilets here, here and here.
08:21I'm afraid you should have gone in the terminal before we left.
08:24It's a one-hour flight.
08:25What is wrong with you?
08:27And finally, in the event of trying to instigate conversation,
08:30masks will descend from the panels above you
08:33and will muzzle you for the remainder of the flight.
08:37Please, please muzzle your own face
08:40before attempting to muzzle a child's.
08:43Thanks for flying Ricoh Airways.
08:52How many other rules do you sort of flaunt in society, then?
08:56When you update or you sign a form,
08:58do you read the terms and conditions?
09:01No.
09:02No, you don't,
09:03because it's the release form that you signed earlier today
09:06to appear on this show.
09:09What have you agreed to?
09:11That's your signature there, is it, Romesh Ranganathan?
09:13Yeah.
09:14I bring your attention to Clause 7.5.
09:17Throughout the recording of the programme,
09:19I permit the host, brackets John Richardson,
09:21to throw up to and including seven satsumas at my person.
09:29That's...
09:32Bit of fun, isn't it?
09:35Happy with that?
09:37Er, I'm... I'm not unhappy with it.
09:40I mean, I'd rather have seven satsumas thrown at me
09:43than have to read that entire document, so...
09:46I feel OK.
09:47You've never seen me throw a satsuma.
09:53Wasn't in my contract.
09:55There's four words in your contract.
09:57Well, let's file this worry away.
09:59Let's put it in the index.
10:00I worry that someone will forget to engage flight mode
10:03and cause a plane crash.
10:04The two of you seem to think that this is a low worry,
10:07so we're looking down here,
10:08alongside things like processed milk, jury service,
10:11gourmet fast food and hiccups.
10:13That's where you'd be saying...
10:14For me, this is an issue of life and death,
10:16as far as I'm concerned,
10:17and it's about a wider society and following rules,
10:20which is the most important thing of all.
10:22I think it's a serious worry.
10:24I've got facts.
10:25I've given you the stats.
10:2675 times in six years this has happened.
10:28It's just not that big a deal.
10:30You've got to stick it in the low, mate.
10:32Sorry.
10:33I feel like I've been beaten on my own show.
10:38I can do what I want, can't I?
10:41Do you know what?
10:42For the first time in my life,
10:43I'm not going to follow the rules.
10:44If you've taught me one thing, it's not to follow the rules,
10:47so I appreciate your input.
10:48I ignore it completely.
10:49It's a severe worry.
10:50How do you like them apples?
10:53Scratched satsumas.
11:03Five satsumas left.
11:04Can I just say, this is bullshit, man.
11:07You invited us on here to discuss it.
11:10We've both been absolutely crystal clear on where we want it,
11:13and then you go, fuck you,
11:14and then just put it wherever you want.
11:17I didn't know you could do an impression of me.
11:20The problem is, you've taught me not to respect other people's opinions
11:25and not to care about what the consensus is.
11:28I have learned a bitter, bitter lesson, John.
11:30Thank you so much.
11:32We're going to take a break now.
11:33Join us in a bit when we'll be looking at a brand-new worry
11:35from the world of travel.
11:51Welcome back to Ultimate Worry Award.
11:54Tonight we're looking at worries from the world of travel.
11:57Let's bring up my next worry.
12:01I worry that nobody is keeping space tidy.
12:04Now, I recently found out that the whole planet
12:06is covered in a layer of rubbish, or space junk.
12:10To tell us exactly what that means,
12:12here's a special report from Rose Matafeo.
12:21Junk.
12:23We all make it, but where are we putting it?
12:28Ever since humankind discovered the ability to explore space,
12:32so too did we discover its vast potential
12:35to serve as a giant bin for our terrible species.
12:38Every time we launch an object into space,
12:40we litter the atmosphere with tiny bits of rocket,
12:43nuts and bolts from satellites,
12:44and sometimes straight-up astronaut piss.
12:47Why should we care, Rose?
12:49Well, there are over three-quarters of a million pieces of debris
12:52orbiting our planet,
12:53and newsflash, that's a lot of pieces.
12:57The problem might get so bad
12:58that it could be impossible for future generations to go to space.
13:02And even more worryingly,
13:03satellites could knock into each other,
13:05and the Wi-Fi could go down.
13:13Was I supposed to return this hat?
13:15Why didn't you tell me that just before?
13:20Thankfully, all is not lost.
13:22Someone is working to tidy space up,
13:24and that person is Dr Hugh Lewis.
13:29Dr Hugh Lewis,
13:30Senior Lecturer in Aerospace Engineering
13:32at the University of Southampton,
13:34who, as a member of the UK Space Agency,
13:36is working to raise awareness
13:38and find a solution to the escalating space debris problem.
13:41I'm going to start with the simplest question.
13:43What is space debris?
13:45Essentially, it's parts of rockets and spacecraft
13:47that we don't need and don't use anymore.
13:49How much space debris is up there?
13:52So, for big stuff,
13:54so the size of a car,
13:55we're probably talking about a few thousand.
13:57The size of a car?
13:58Yeah, yeah.
13:59There are things that are the size of cars,
14:01the size of double-decker buses,
14:02the size of trucks.
14:03Satellites are big.
14:05But then you come down in size,
14:07and there are probably about 30,000 objects
14:09that are the size of a tennis ball
14:10or larger in the space environment.
14:12Can that kind of stuff fall down
14:13or just stay up in orbit?
14:14Most things will burn up as they enter the atmosphere,
14:17but the real problem is the danger to other spacecraft.
14:21They're travelling at enormous speeds.
14:23An impact of something the size of a marble
14:25could result in casualties on the International Space Station.
14:28Space debris is clearly a problem,
14:30so what are we going to do about all that junk,
14:32all that junk orbiting Earth's trunk?
14:36Is this a reversible thing for us?
14:38We could potentially solve this environmental problem
14:42if we put our minds to it.
14:43The trick is to get people to actually do that,
14:46to see the value in doing that.
14:48The issue that we face is that,
14:50yeah, it's a really, really bad environmental problem,
14:53but we don't see it.
14:54It's out of mind.
14:55It's like when I throw my bin bags
14:57across my neighbour's backyard.
14:59It's like, I can't see it anymore.
15:01Like, why should I care about it?
15:03It's exactly like that.
15:05Perfect.
15:06So what have we learnt?
15:07Well, if we don't do something soon,
15:09there'll be so little space left in space
15:11we'll have to come up with a new name for it.
15:13But thanks to the brave efforts of people like Hugh,
15:15space travel remains an achievable dream.
15:18For someone else, not me,
15:20I'm a woman with no transferable skills.
15:22I'll be left here to die.
15:24I'm Rose Butterfield for Ultimate Warrior.
15:32Thank you very much, Rose.
15:34So, we've basically been using space as like the ultimate loft.
15:38We're just hoiking shit up there.
15:40NASA is currently tracking
15:42more than half a million pieces of space debris
15:45orbiting the Earth at 17,500 miles per hour.
15:49This is through the 60s, 70s,
15:51a lot of purple rubbish in the 70s,
15:53through the 80s.
15:55Give you an idea of what Earth currently looks like
15:57while we were all enjoying the 90s.
16:00And there we are now in the current year, 2016.
16:05Um...
16:07And that's sort of what you like.
16:09I mean, it puts an end to the worry of aliens coming,
16:11because why would you stop at that shithole?
16:14Planet Earth has basically become like Micklewood services
16:17on the M5.
16:19Why wouldn't you just push on to Gloucester?
16:21Um...
16:23Are you worried?
16:25I believe strongly with my whole heart
16:27that once I leave this studio I'll forget all about it.
16:29I won't even...
16:31Even if I'm right behind you whispering?
16:34Remember space!
16:36Space junk.
16:38The reason it's a travel worry is that space ultimately
16:40will be our only passage off this planet,
16:42which we have absolutely destroyed.
16:44So we'll need to... I mean, getting through that
16:46is going to be like running across the M6 at rush hour,
16:48which I'm glad to say, Romesh,
16:50you've actually signed up to do,
16:52according to clause 7.10 of your contract.
16:57I don't actually think we should be allowed to leave the planet,
17:00because we've trashed this planet.
17:02I think we should just all sit here, just wallow in it,
17:05and we realise the error of our ways,
17:08but by then it'll be too late,
17:10because the planet will be destroyed.
17:12It sounds dark...
17:14What do you talk to your kids about at breakfast?
17:16And it's not just a worry, Romesh, in terms of leaving the planet.
17:19This is a picture that was tweeted by astronaut Tim Peake.
17:22This is a smash in the windscreen of his rocket.
17:27That was caused by a small fleck of paint
17:30that was travelling at such a speed
17:32that it smashed the window.
17:34His response to that was,
17:36I'm glad it's quadruple glazed.
17:41That doesn't seem like enough for space to me.
17:43Everest do triple glazing.
17:47There's a conservatory in Wigan
17:49that's one pane of glass away from being a space station.
17:53And if that's what paint can do, imagine a Satsuma!
17:58The problem with your astronaut
18:00is astronauts are a large part of the problem in space.
18:03Most of what's floating around is astronaut poop.
18:06Because they go for a poop
18:08and they just fire it out of the window.
18:10They get through about a kilo and a half of poop a week.
18:14Most of the little space poops,
18:16they burn up in the atmosphere and they look like shooting stars.
18:19That's nice. That sounds amazing.
18:22Sometimes you make a wish
18:24on what turns out to be curry night on the space station.
18:28Is space junk really a threat to space travel?
18:31Is space tourism really a realistic prospect anyway?
18:34To help us answer those questions and more,
18:36please welcome Libby Jackson from the UK Space Agency.
18:44Hello there. Hi.
18:47So you actually work in the coolest industry in the world, right?
18:51Yes, I do. You work for the space agency? Yes.
18:54Are you involved with space junk? Is it a real problem?
18:57I look after human space flight,
18:59so you've been talking about astronauts and these sorts of things.
19:02It's a genuine risk to the space station and the crew on board.
19:05And what are we going to do about it?
19:07There's lots of things we can do. You've talked about the different sizes.
19:10We've got things like nets and lasers.
19:12Basically, we want to try and capture the stuff...
19:14There's a hell of a gear shift there. ..slow it down and get it back in.
19:17We've got stuff like nets and lasers.
19:20I think we've got a picture of the netting device, haven't we?
19:24And what would you do? You'd capture the poop in that, would you?
19:27I think we've moved beyond poop. Oh, sorry.
19:29I think this is now back into all sorts of debris.
19:32You've got lots of things of different sizes.
19:34The challenge when you do something like that is to not create more junk
19:38because if you hit that and it breaks up into more pieces,
19:41you end up with more junk.
19:43Where's the junk coming from that's already up in space?
19:45A lot of it we've left there.
19:47Two things happened in the sort of late 2000s.
19:50China purposefully destroyed a satellite.
19:54They wanted to prove that they could and that created a load more junk.
19:58And then two satellites actually just collided in mid-space
20:01and went into many more pieces.
20:05And that hasn't yet but we're worried.
20:07It could create something like a domino effect.
20:09It's called the Kessler effect.
20:11If you've ever seen the movie Gravity, they had it at the beginning.
20:14They didn't quite get it right.
20:16But it's possible that one piece hits another piece
20:18that then creates two more pieces, that creates four more pieces,
20:21and it just gets worse and worse.
20:23It would take a year or two for that to happen
20:25but it could totally wipe out parts of our orbit
20:29which we all rely on every day for our everyday lives.
20:32I rely on it for navigation, our weather services,
20:35weather forecasting, communications, timing,
20:38all these services that we all rely on every day.
20:41We would notice if space suddenly wasn't usable.
20:44You must be worried now.
20:46No.
20:48Can I ask a question?
20:50When they first started going up into space,
20:53they must have known that that stuff was going to stay there.
20:56So why did we...
20:58I say we, I wasn't involved in it.
21:00But why did they just leave it?
21:02What was their strategy?
21:04Space was really big. They didn't worry about it.
21:06They were far enough into the future to see what would happen.
21:08And now it's not all right.
21:10I'm not going to lose sleep about it.
21:12Could you please get the shit out of this man?
21:14It's just impenetrable.
21:16If you can't use your GPS and you can't phone anybody
21:19and you can't watch your Sky TV
21:21and you don't know what's going to happen with your weather forecasting
21:24and all the planes start falling out of the air
21:26because they don't know what time it is,
21:28because space isn't working, I think you'd worry.
21:30Planes falling out of the air, that's not fair.
21:32That sounds inconvenient, but once they've all come down,
21:35you can't get around them.
21:37I think it's... I think it's all right.
21:39Well, I mean, you've tried amazingly to freak this man out,
21:42but it can't be done. You've certainly freaked me out.
21:44You've given us a lot of facts and information.
21:46Ladies and gentlemen, Libby Jackson!
21:51Well, let's put it on the list, because I think...
21:53Well, there's no point in us offering our opinion here, Jon.
21:58I'm going to agree that I think it's probably moderate,
22:01because it's not a massive problem now.
22:03Oh, it's stressed me out. Space has stressed me out now.
22:06I'd go red. Go red with space.
22:08Go red with space? Yes.
22:10I'm surprised that you're happy to potentially bring down a plane,
22:13but space junk is now a red worry.
22:15Yeah, I see that now.
22:18Do you want to go back in time and move?
22:20Yeah, maybe. All right, then.
22:22Space has always stressed me out, Jon.
22:24It's just so big! It's so big!
22:26And then watching all the films that are set there,
22:28like Star Wars and The Clangers, it's...
22:32I'm going to put it as a middle worry,
22:34because I think it's going to get bigger.
22:36At the moment, it's not a problem.
22:38But I think overcrowding, it feels like it should go around overcrowding,
22:41because that's one of the issues that will cause us to have to go to space,
22:44as will expired milk.
22:46So I'm going to pop it just between those two in there.
22:49Space junk!
22:57That's it for part two. We'll take a short break now.
22:59Why don't you pop upstairs and launch another shooting star,
23:02if you know what I mean?
23:19Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
23:21where tonight we're looking at worries exclusively to do with travel.
23:25Now, Romesh, do you have a worry related to travel?
23:28Yes. My worry is looking too British when I go on holiday.
23:35This is a concern that you don't...
23:37You'll look like a Brit when you're abroad,
23:39which has negative connotations.
23:41Well, I don't want to be identified as British,
23:43which I can get away with, but unfortunately,
23:45my white wife gives the game away, doesn't she?
23:48I don't really want to be identified as British,
23:53partly by the locals, but also by other British people.
23:57Because then what happens is you have to talk to people,
24:02do you know what I mean, outside of your family,
24:04and I find that unacceptable.
24:06I think that ruins a holiday, do you know what I mean?
24:09Particularly if you're at a hotel or something
24:12and you see another British family,
24:14and they're like, oh, right, you British,
24:17I'd say a good place to get chips.
24:21And then every day you see those people,
24:24and then suddenly you're in a thing where...
24:26You make friends.
24:27Yeah. Do we have to go for drinks now?
24:29Are we doing breakfast together?
24:31Because if this was England,
24:33I wouldn't piss on you if you're on fire.
24:35Because we're abroad now,
24:38we've got some sort of connection, do you know what I mean?
24:40So I just start getting nervous.
24:42Like, if I'm not with my wife, I'll just start...
24:45Just to try and just...
24:47Just to try and get out of the situation.
24:50My kids are brown enough to sort of get away with it,
24:53and we can sort of pretend that my wife is the au pair.
24:58Just try and brazen our way through it.
25:00Do you change your look to look less British when you go on holiday?
25:03Not particularly, no.
25:05I mean, I just genuinely don't think about my holiday look at all.
25:09I can agree with that,
25:11having been sent a picture of you on holiday.
25:16You look so happy.
25:19That is, at the end of the day, where nobody had spoken to me.
25:24Do you like to make friends when you go on holiday?
25:26No, I'm a bit like Romesh, I don't particularly.
25:29And it's difficult if your kids make friends,
25:31because then there's a sort of implicit
25:33you've got to be friends with the other parents.
25:35And I don't want to have to do that.
25:37And the worst is, my kids,
25:39they always make friends with the prickiest kids, man.
25:41Do you know what I mean?
25:43This is Andrew, just look at this snotty little turd.
25:47So I have to see you every day of the holiday now, am I?
25:49And obviously your genetics mean that your dad's going to be like you.
25:52Do you know what I mean?
25:54If my kids are attracting those friends,
25:56maybe my kids are like that.
25:58That's what my kids are.
26:00Then as a result of them making friends,
26:02I love my children less.
26:04It's a horrible thing to happen to you when you're in the Algar.
26:08Do you know what I mean?
26:10Well, the problem specifically with your worry of looking British,
26:13I think, is it's not just British people.
26:15It's not just British people who come up to you,
26:17but people in countries who speak English very well
26:20want to practise their English on you.
26:22I'm on holiday, I don't want to do that.
26:24I'm not here as a workshop.
26:27So let's log your worry that you're part of the Brits Abroad problem.
26:31I think, basically, being part of the Brits Abroad problem,
26:34you know, down here with sort of swimming pools and the French.
26:41Being identified as a Brit Abroad is as bad as canoes, isn't it?
26:44I think so.
26:46If you're John Darwin, they're the same problem.
26:50I'm going to file that worry there between canoe...
26:52I'm just going to get it...
26:54Oh, imagine if I really just spent the whole show
26:56getting them all lined up like that.
27:04I'm going to file that worry there between septum piercings and canoes!
27:14Do you have a travel worry?
27:16Yeah, I do. Cos I go camping quite a lot.
27:19Do you? Yeah.
27:21And I worry about not having really good camping gear.
27:24Cos I... Yeah. I mean, this is quite a big deal for me.
27:27I worry my camping gear isn't cool enough.
27:29Yeah, cos I like... Cos when I stay on a campsite,
27:32I like to walk around the campsite
27:34and look at all the other people's camping gear
27:37and have a good look in as well. Are they all right with that?
27:39If you go... Well, they don't know.
27:41They're busy cooking or doing something else.
27:43If you time it right, a sort of dusky kind of time of day,
27:47have a walk around and then you can really see in.
27:50You can see all the zippy, zippy cupboards.
27:53I love a cupboard that zips up with, like, shelves
27:56and I love compartments with...
27:58I bought a camper van. I've got a camper van now.
28:00Right. It's got so many little cupboards, Jon.
28:02I think we can have a look at your camper van.
28:04I have to say, your camper van slightly looks like it's clinically depressed.
28:09I think if ever the face of a camper van were saying,
28:12I don't like the seaside...
28:14No, well...
28:15Let's have a look at your camping gear that you've got to go with this.
28:19I've got some bad camping stories,
28:21but they make the good ones even better,
28:23cos you feel like you've really earned the good ones.
28:26Oh, that sounds amazing.
28:28You have a series of shit times,
28:30so that the slightly worse shit times seem great.
28:33It's something about it.
28:35Tell me your worst camping story.
28:37A tent's blown away. Lost a whole tent.
28:40I held on to it in the night.
28:42In the night, holding on to a guy rope.
28:44Yeah.
28:45So while you were in the tent...
28:47Yes, it nearly blew away. It lifted off.
28:49Yeah, and it was when the wind is that...
28:51When you've got wind like that in your face.
28:53Had that.
28:54But you feel so good when you get home.
28:58You feel so happy that you made it.
29:00Yeah. No, it sounds amazing.
29:03I have a present for you
29:05that I thought would help your, sort of,
29:08around the campsite.
29:09So, would my John please bring on the knapsack?
29:13This is one of my assistants.
29:16I mainly hire people who look and dress like me.
29:21Cheers, mate.
29:23That's a knapsack.
29:24It's a sleeping bag that you can wear like a jacket.
29:27Oh, my God, I love it.
29:28It goes the full length.
29:29So you can strut around the campsite
29:31with your glass of Pinot Grigio in one hand.
29:33Oh, my God, yes.
29:34Oh, it's got zips!
29:35Oh, yeah.
29:36I love the sound of a zip.
29:38Yes.
29:39It's like a sleeping bag onesie.
29:40It's exactly that.
29:41Yeah, they've somehow made a onesie even cooler.
29:47Oh, my God.
29:50Yes.
29:51Yes, I think so.
29:55I love it.
29:56Thank you.
29:57I love it.
30:00I would wear this for the school run.
30:03I think I might have created a problem.
30:06Romesh, I've got something for you as well.
30:08Satsuma!
30:10I think you might have not seen the best of camping, Romesh,
30:14because for people like you and I...
30:17You haven't seen the best of it?
30:20What's available?
30:23There's a camper van you can buy
30:25for the person who perhaps likes being out and about
30:28but doesn't perhaps like people
30:30and doesn't want someone staring in at their window,
30:32just wants a bit of privacy,
30:34bring on the QT van!
30:39Come and have a look.
30:42This is basically a one-person camper van situation
30:46for if you want to get out and about
30:49but you don't want a lot of space,
30:51you don't want anyone hassling you,
30:52you just want to be at a park,
30:53list up somewhere in a lay-by.
30:54Have a look round, what can you see?
30:56A bed, a clock.
30:57Bed, a clock.
30:58A drinks cabinet.
30:59A lovely decanter and glasses there.
31:01TV.
31:02It is shit, isn't it though?
31:06This makes me really happy.
31:08Do you want this?
31:09Yes, I'd love this.
31:10Do you want to get in?
31:11It might fall over.
31:12Romesh, you get in, show Kerry what it's like.
31:14Yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:15She don't want to get in because it'll fall over,
31:17let's stick the brown blanket in.
31:27Hello there.
31:28Hi.
31:37Here's Kerry at night time.
31:38Oh, what have you got in there?
31:40Oh, hello, hello.
31:45What do you think?
31:46Five and a half grand?
31:47Are you shitting me?
31:51Five and a half grand,
31:52this is solid MDF, mate.
31:54Will you stay there?
31:55We'll log the worry.
31:57We're going to log the worry, Kerry,
31:58that your camping gear isn't good enough.
32:00Yeah.
32:01I'm going to let you put this where you like
32:02because it's sort of up to you.
32:03I've shown you some of the cool stuff.
32:05Has that made you think,
32:06actually, my camping gear's all right?
32:07You've got your sleeping bag and your little van.
32:09Are you down here now?
32:10Do you think, actually, my stuff's all right?
32:12I'm doing all right?
32:13Put it next to dead legs and iPhones?
32:16Yeah.
32:17Are you getting drunk in there, Romesh?
32:21It is...
32:22He's coming round to it.
32:23It hasn't got toilet facilities, so...
32:26If you are going to get drunk,
32:27just be aware you'll just need to open a window.
32:31I think, yeah,
32:32I feel quite confident that my stuff's all right.
32:34Yeah?
32:35Between pyjamas and motorway services,
32:36there we go, camping gear.
32:38Thank you, Kerry.
32:43That's it for part three.
32:44Join us after the break.
32:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:01Welcome back to Ultimate Worry-Aware.
33:03I've got just enough time to look at one more worry
33:05from the world of travel.
33:07I worry that a driverless car will kill me.
33:11Driverless cars are coming.
33:12That's a fact.
33:13Chancellor Philip Hammond has said that by 2021,
33:16he wants to see fully driverless cars in the UK.
33:20Excited about driverless cars?
33:22Yes.
33:23Robots are better than people.
33:24I think robots might be better than people.
33:26People are pretty rubbish.
33:27I mean, I...
33:28People do crash cars a lot, don't they?
33:31They do. We've all seen it.
33:32Yeah.
33:33Would you feel safer in a driverless car world?
33:35No, I'm firmly against.
33:37You need someone to blame, don't you?
33:39Like, who do you make the wanker sign at
33:42if they cut you up, do you know what I mean?
33:43It's just like...
33:44A robot?
33:45No, it's not a robot.
33:46It's just like an empty...
33:47Oh, isn't it a robot?
33:48No, it's not...
33:49Isn't it like a robot doing that?
33:51They're not sending in...
33:53It's not...
33:54That's what you want, a robot.
33:56I got scared when I got, like, a Mr T sat-nav voice.
34:01That was terrifying enough, do you know what I mean?
34:03Yeah, that is.
34:04Turn right now, fool!
34:06I pity the fool that didn't leave at this exit.
34:08And you just... It's going wrong.
34:10And also, the other thing is,
34:12is I think that the cars being better at doing stuff
34:18is eroding our basic skills.
34:20As a comedian, I've driven everywhere in this country.
34:23I haven't got a clue where anything...
34:25Because I've just used a sat-nav, do you know what I mean?
34:27But that's good.
34:28I've still got A-Zs.
34:29I've got an A-Z of Hull that I bought for one gig
34:31that I just refuse to get rid of.
34:33Because there may come an apocalypse and I may be in Hull.
34:37But that's the thing, I don't even think I could use that.
34:40Like, I just use a sat-nav and it instructs you.
34:43Do you know when, like, you press a button
34:45and it just reverse parks it?
34:47Yes.
34:48Now I can't do that anymore.
34:49Parking is the only thing I can really do
34:52that makes me feel vaguely competent in society.
34:56And it's something my wife does not give me enough credit for.
34:59I'm not going to lie to you.
35:00Sometimes I have to sort of prompt her to congratulate me.
35:03So, like, if we park, I'll say,
35:04am I right on your side?
35:05And she'll open the door and say, yeah.
35:07And I'll say, I thought I was, but you didn't say anything.
35:10It's a genuine concern that technology is replacing all our skills.
35:13All skills are under threat,
35:15and no-one is more passionate about that
35:17than 70s throwback Mike Bubbins.
35:19So here he is with an impassioned warning for the youth of today.
35:28You young people can't do anything.
35:29You're relying on your smartphones and your Tamagotchis
35:32to do the simplest of tasks.
35:34You're about as handy as Jeremy Beedle.
35:36In my day, that was a great reference.
35:41What happened to having skills, learning to trade?
35:44Four out of five young people cannot even read a map.
35:46That's the first thing I learned at Scouts.
35:48The second thing I had to...
35:50don't get left alone with the Scoutmaster.
35:54But it's not just maps.
35:565% of millennials don't even know how to unblock a sink.
36:00Only 17% can hang a picture frame.
36:02One in five cannot even boil an egg.
36:08Do you know what this is?
36:09Back in the day, this was mightier than the sword.
36:12When was the last time you lot wrote anything down?
36:15A third of people these days
36:16don't even know their own partner's phone numbers.
36:18Back in the day, I knew dozens of girls' phone numbers.
36:20I mean, look at me.
36:22And I couldn't even block your number back in those days.
36:25What's worse, 65% of millennials
36:28say they feel uncomfortable having a face-to-face conversation
36:31with another human being.
36:33Hoo-hoo.
36:34Conversation is the very cornerstone of society.
36:36Whether I'm chiming my way under a breath test
36:38or being publicly belittled by my children.
36:41I like my conversation like I like my sex.
36:43Brief. To the point.
36:45And staring the other person directly in the eyes at all times.
36:48And the last bit is not negotiable.
36:58Frankly terrifying, Mike Bobbins.
37:00Yeah.
37:01Do you know your partner's mobile numbers by heart?
37:03No.
37:04No? I still do.
37:05Do you?
37:06Both your partners.
37:08So, if we accept that de-skilling is going to happen,
37:13it's just going to happen,
37:14all the skills that we had then are gone.
37:16All the skills that we have with driving will disappear.
37:18Driverless cars will become a thing.
37:20The next issue is how to make driverless cars as safe as possible.
37:23And there will be a situation
37:25where a driverless car will be in an accident.
37:27And it will have to decide
37:29what is the safest accident for it to happen.
37:32So, will it hit one person instead of a group of people?
37:35That seems a fairly sensible decision.
37:37If it has a choice between two people,
37:39according to Google's Sebastian Thrun,
37:42if it happens that there is a situation where the car couldn't escape,
37:45it would go for the smaller thing.
37:48Which seems unacceptable to me.
37:51As a smaller gentleman,
37:53I don't look forward to the days
37:54when I have to carry an emergency hamster in my pocket.
37:59Getting a bit close.
38:01Does that just mean that we're going to have loads of driverless cars
38:03just targeting children?
38:05I mean, it would seem like it, yeah.
38:07We live in a world where we've got ant but no deck.
38:11The other consequence of driverless cars is that it will end drivers.
38:14So, none of us will be drivers.
38:15We'll all become passengers.
38:16So, the real question is, are you a good passenger?
38:19And the fairest way I would say to assess that
38:21would be to look at your Uber ratings.
38:24So, every time you get in an Uber,
38:25the driver gets to rate you.
38:27Every time you get in an Uber, the driver gets to rate you.
38:29Do you have a knowledge of what your Uber rating is?
38:33I've got a rough idea.
38:35I never look. They're like reviews.
38:37Oh, you want to check, mate?
38:38Oh, I don't want to look.
38:39What are you getting up to in the back of a cab?
38:42Well, I don't talk.
38:43I don't like talking.
38:44That's a few points off.
38:45Is it? Do you have to chat?
38:47If there's a rating on offer, I will talk.
38:49Really?
38:50Yeah, if I'm not getting marked...
38:51How badly do you want it?
38:52Yeah, I just don't want to get marked down.
38:54What's your Uber rating?
38:55I am 4.98.
38:59What are you doing?
39:00Huh?
39:01What are you doing to those drivers?
39:02I sit in the thing.
39:04All I do is I sit in there, I chat,
39:06I'm interested in the music and a quick handjob.
39:09And that is it.
39:11What's yours? What's yours?
39:12It doesn't matter what mine is.
39:13Come on.
39:15It's not relevant.
39:16I actually think Uber's corrupt.
39:17You shouldn't be using it.
39:19Support the black cabs, right, guys?
39:21What is yours?
39:224.9 fucking 7, Roman.
39:24Am I right?
39:25It's 4.97.
39:28So let's put this on the list.
39:29It's my final worry of the day.
39:31I worry that a driverless car will kill me.
39:33I've sort of come to think that driverless cars might be the future
39:36and actually, as you said, Kerry, they're probably safest.
39:39So I'm going to file that away between joint accounts and Oyster Cards.
39:42Driverless cars!
39:48So it's time now to quickly take a look
39:51at some of the audience's worries submitted by our audience,
39:54starting with this one.
39:56Where is Andrew Willoughby?
39:59Andrew, what is your travel-based worry?
40:02I worry I'm drinking children's urine on holiday.
40:05This is a pool-based anecdote, I hope,
40:07otherwise it will never make it to air.
40:09Swimming pools.
40:10Swimming pools.
40:12Why are you drinking swimming pool water?
40:14It just goes in your mouth.
40:16Well, it doesn't if you keep your mouth shut.
40:19I've got to be honest with you, mate.
40:20I'm telling my kids to piss in the pool all the time.
40:23It just makes it easier.
40:25Because the toilet, you've got to get them out,
40:29take them over there, just go in there,
40:31a little breast crawl, piss it out, mate, it'll be fine.
40:33That bloke will drink it up, it'll be gone in no time.
40:37It wasn't really a thing I thought about before you said it,
40:40but now that you've mentioned it and now that Romesh has backed it up
40:43by saying he's encouraging his kids to piss in a pool,
40:45I'm going to mark that down as a severe worry,
40:47so thank you, Andrew.
40:49Where is Jane Taylor?
40:51Jane, there you are. What's your worry?
40:53My worry is that I worry that I won't be able to photograph
40:58my car myelometer at key numbers.
41:01Oh.
41:04That's just so bang on, that's just...
41:08That's just such a good worry.
41:10I don't even understand that.
41:12Jane, do you want to explain?
41:13So, you're driving along and you've got your instruments in front of you
41:17and it says how many miles you've done in that car.
41:20Hang on, instruments?
41:22The dashboard panel.
41:23The dashboard, yes.
41:24The instrument panel, so it lights up when it tells you
41:27how many miles you've done in that car,
41:29because it's my car and I've got a personal relationship with that,
41:32those are my miles, so...
41:34OK, Jane, can I just stop you there?
41:38You are what's known as a psychopath.
41:42Do you not feel this, though?
41:43You're driving along, you're on the motorway,
41:45you happen to glance down, your myelometer says 59,999 miles.
41:50You think, this is about to click on to 60,000.
41:53I want to take a picture of that, right, Jane?
41:55Exactly.
41:56Yeah, those are your miles.
41:57Do I think that?
42:00I don't know what you're talking about.
42:02I've never even looked at the myelometer in my car.
42:06You've got to at least get your ten thousands, right, Jane?
42:10I've got 99,999 and I've got 100,000.
42:15Oh, lovely.
42:16But I missed 77777.
42:18Oh, my God.
42:21I mean, you bang on, you bang on.
42:23It's another situation where I'm just going to overrule
42:26and say that is instantly a severe worry.
42:30And if you're out and about, tweet them to me,
42:32I never get tired of receiving them.
42:35That's it for this week's Ultimate Worryer.
42:37Thank you to my guests, Kerry Godliman and Ramesh Ranganathan.
42:43I, for one, have learned this this week,
42:45that in the future we will be superseded by millions of driverless cars
42:49fitted with a complex moral compass.
42:51So before you cross the road, remember to look left, look right,
42:54then look up and pray on a shooting star that you're the biggest thing.
42:57Oh, sorry, that's not a shooting star,
42:59that's one of Tim Peake's turds disintegrating.
43:01Goodnight.
43:08This programme contains strong language and adult humour
43:11which is not suitable for all ages.
43:13Adult humour is a violation of parental guidance
43:16and is not suitable for all ages.
43:18Adult humour is a violation of parental guidance
43:21and is not suitable for all ages.
43:23Adult humour is a violation of parental guidance
43:26and is not suitable for all ages.
43:28Adult humour is a violation of parental guidance
43:31and is not suitable for all ages.
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