First broadcast 27th June 2018.
Jon Richardson
Kerry Godliman
Romesh Ranganathan
Rose Matafeo
Libby Jackson
Mike Bubbins
Jon Richardson
Kerry Godliman
Romesh Ranganathan
Rose Matafeo
Libby Jackson
Mike Bubbins
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00🎵
00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worry,
00:38the show where I break down the entire world's worries,
00:42such as, do I have an unhealthy obsession with order?
00:45I can't be sure until I've neatly categorised all my other worries
00:48in ascending order of magnitude.
00:50Here they all are, ranked and filed inside my worry index.
00:54Sort of the opposite of a wank bank.
00:58In fact, this can be used to help prolong lovemaking.
01:01Anything you see that's red in there has been classified as a severe worry.
01:05The orange ones are moderate worries,
01:08and anything I consider a low worry is...
01:11algae.
01:13Let's take a closer look at a severe worry of mine.
01:16That's this one.
01:18I worry that all the other John Richardsons hate me.
01:23I was worried for a lot of years
01:25that all the other John Richardsons would do something horrific
01:28and I would have to spend the rest of my life saying,
01:30no, not that one, after saying my name,
01:32and then I realised I am not John Richardson.
01:35I have cursed all other John Richardsons with the qualification,
01:38no, not the small comedian, the other guy.
01:41That's a quick glimpse into what's already in my worry index.
01:44Tonight we'll be logging some brand-new worries,
01:46all of which are related to the theme of travel,
01:49which is either a means of getting from one place to another,
01:51or an adjective meaning small,
01:53like travel scrabble, travel kettle,
01:55or John Richardson is a travel comedian.
01:57Travelling from all the way over there tonight,
01:59to help me, please welcome my guests,
02:01Kerry Godliman and Ramesh Ranganathan.
02:03APPLAUSE
02:17Hi, guys, thanks for coming. Hello.
02:19So we're talking about worry and travel.
02:21You, I mean, in your last few shows have been all over the world.
02:25Is there anywhere particularly worrisome for you?
02:28If you're brown with a beard, every kind of travel is worrying.
02:31I had a little bit of an incident where my mum,
02:35I was travelling with my mum back to the UK,
02:38and the guy at immigration on the other end,
02:41he looked at my mum's passport.
02:43My mum hasn't got a British passport, she's got a Sri Lankan passport,
02:46she is here legally, and he started checking it through
02:48and he said, I'm really sorry, but you cannot enter the UK legally.
02:53And I said, well, that is a problem, because she lives there.
02:57So what are we going to do?
02:59And he said, well, I don't know what to say.
03:02She can't get on the plane, she can't go to the UK.
03:04So my mum, understandably, started shitting herself.
03:07And so there's obviously the worry of your mum shitting herself,
03:10but also it is slightly funny, because I've got a British passport,
03:14this doesn't affect me at all, do you know what I mean?
03:16And then the guy sort of looked through the passport,
03:18and then he goes, oh, no, no, you can, it's on this page.
03:21I'm like, dude, check every page, do you hear me?
03:24That must have just been him taking the piss out of you, wasn't it?
03:27Or he just wanted to make her shit herself a bit.
03:29Yeah.
03:30Which I don't, you know, if he'd have told me that,
03:32I would have been in on it, do you know what I mean?
03:34Just sort of turned on her and gone,
03:36this doesn't look good for you, mum, what a nightmare.
03:39Do you travel about a bit?
03:40I travel about a bit, yeah.
03:42See, I didn't ask if you worry, because I know you worry,
03:44because I've checked your Twitter account,
03:46and I know that you are like me,
03:48and you have some sort of concerns about the evolution of the language
03:52and the sort of, the terms we use and how they evolve.
03:54Oh, no, I'm worried about what I tweeted now.
03:56Perfectly sensible tweet.
03:58You know, I'm very much in agreement with this.
04:00You put, of all the words that have become obsolete,
04:03how come knickers endures?
04:06It's one of the great questions of our time.
04:09Smashed it with the old retweets there as well, what was that?
04:15LAUGHTER
04:18Well, I've had a look into that issue for you,
04:20because I think it's a fascinating issue.
04:22Why does the word knickers continue so strongly?
04:25Yeah.
04:26I'll be honest, Kerry,
04:27you're doing quite a lot of the legwork here yourself.
04:29I've been through your Twitter account,
04:31this is one of your other recent tweets.
04:33Got as far as the bus stop,
04:34were yesterday's knickers still in the leg of my gears?
04:37Hashtag classy, 25 retweets, that one.
04:40Not long before that tweet was this.
04:43Left the 3 for 2 prize sticker on my new knickers.
04:46Hashtag super sexy.
04:48I'm really upset about this.
04:50Retweets are back down again,
04:51people getting a bit bored of the theme.
04:55TikTok, scroll down.
04:56How do you get your knickers out of your arse and still look good?
05:01Not so many retweets, a lot of likes there.
05:04Listen, if knickers goes out of use,
05:06you've not got a career anymore, do you?
05:08I have to say, to research that joke,
05:11I had to Twitter search Kerry Godliman's knickers.
05:14And I had a real moment when I thought I'd tweeted that
05:17instead of searching for it.
05:21So let's kick things off with my first worry of the night,
05:24which is this.
05:26I worry that some idiot will forget to engage flight mode
05:29and cause a plane crash.
05:31I've got stats to back this worry up.
05:33The International Air Transport Association
05:36have identified 75 incidents in the last six years
05:40where plane travel was affected by people using mobile phones.
05:44Now, as far as I'm concerned, one is too many.
05:4675 in six years.
05:48These incidents included electrical malfunction,
05:51problems with communication, problems with navigation,
05:54flight controls, landing gear and autopilot.
05:57So the issue is, apparently, that if you have it on the pilot's ear...
06:01Oh, is it like that ringing...
06:03..it makes a...
06:05And I think in a world where you're not allowed to stand
06:07next to a bus driver,
06:08you certainly wouldn't burst into the cockpit going,
06:10I did it, did it, did it!
06:12Do you have your flight mode on?
06:13I don't think I've ever turned my flight mode on when I've been on a plane
06:16cos I couldn't give a shit, bruv.
06:18I've rolled the dice every single time, Jon.
06:20And I'm here to tell the tale.
06:23But why push it, if you've been told?
06:25It makes flying much more exciting.
06:27When they go, make sure you turn flight mode on.
06:29I don't, and I get a little tingle in my balls,
06:31knowing that I've just...
06:33I've not done this.
06:34Everybody here thinks I have, but I haven't.
06:37You strike me as the sort of person who doesn't pay attention
06:39during the health and safety briefing, if I may say so.
06:43I did get told off once for not paying attention to the health and safety,
06:46only because I was doing the same flight over and over again,
06:49and I just sort of thought, I know...
06:51I've done it, I know it.
06:52Make an announcement for people like you,
06:54even if you travel frequently, they say.
06:56But everyone ignores that.
06:57Yeah.
06:58But why?
07:00Because it's silly.
07:01If you've seen it once, you've seen it.
07:03Yeah.
07:04It's different on some flights.
07:05It's the whistle, the doo-dah,
07:07children, you before the kid, heels off,
07:10jacket, goodbye.
07:12If you're dying, you're dying.
07:15That's not the one I remember.
07:18Ladies and gentlemen, a whistle, doo-dah.
07:20If you're dying, you're dying.
07:22But you are, you're living in a dream world
07:24if you're bothering about a whistle
07:25and you're coming down in a plane.
07:28What are you going to do?
07:29There's no hope.
07:30Pee!
07:31You're definitely going to die.
07:32Pee!
07:34I've come up with my own safety briefing
07:36for what I think...
07:38the sort of things we should be getting into on flight.
07:40So take as read, no using phones, things like that.
07:42Right.
07:43I've launched my own safety briefing
07:44and I would like you both to pay attention, please.
07:51Hi.
07:52Thanks for flying Ricoh Airways.
07:54Once you've put your bag away in the overhead locker,
07:56please note, if you've forgotten to take your book out,
07:59that's tough shit.
08:00And I'm afraid you won't be reading on this flight
08:02because I don't want to have to move.
08:04Please also note that you should not recline your seat
08:06at any point during the flight.
08:07If you recline your seat,
08:08I'm afraid to inform you that you are a dickhead.
08:10Eight millimetres of space isn't enough
08:12and three certainly isn't.
08:14If you need the toilet at any point during the flight,
08:17you will find the toilets here, here and here.
08:21I'm afraid you should have gone in the terminal before we left.
08:24It's a one-hour flight.
08:25What is wrong with you?
08:27And finally, in the event of trying to instigate conversation,
08:30masks will descend from the panels above you
08:33and will muzzle you for the remainder of the flight.
08:37Please, please muzzle your own face
08:40before attempting to muzzle a child's.
08:43Thanks for flying Ricoh Airways.
08:52How many other rules do you sort of flaunt in society, then?
08:56When you update or you sign a form,
08:58do you read the terms and conditions?
09:01No.
09:02No, you don't,
09:03because it's the release form that you signed earlier today
09:06to appear on this show.
09:09What have you agreed to?
09:11That's your signature there, is it, Romesh Ranganathan?
09:13Yeah.
09:14I bring your attention to Clause 7.5.
09:17Throughout the recording of the programme,
09:19I permit the host, brackets John Richardson,
09:21to throw up to and including seven satsumas at my person.
09:29That's...
09:32Bit of fun, isn't it?
09:35Happy with that?
09:37Er, I'm... I'm not unhappy with it.
09:40I mean, I'd rather have seven satsumas thrown at me
09:43than have to read that entire document, so...
09:46I feel OK.
09:47You've never seen me throw a satsuma.
09:53Wasn't in my contract.
09:55There's four words in your contract.
09:57Well, let's file this worry away.
09:59Let's put it in the index.
10:00I worry that someone will forget to engage flight mode
10:03and cause a plane crash.
10:04The two of you seem to think that this is a low worry,
10:07so we're looking down here,
10:08alongside things like processed milk, jury service,
10:11gourmet fast food and hiccups.
10:13That's where you'd be saying...
10:14For me, this is an issue of life and death,
10:16as far as I'm concerned,
10:17and it's about a wider society and following rules,
10:20which is the most important thing of all.
10:22I think it's a serious worry.
10:24I've got facts.
10:25I've given you the stats.
10:2675 times in six years this has happened.
10:28It's just not that big a deal.
10:30You've got to stick it in the low, mate.
10:32Sorry.
10:33I feel like I've been beaten on my own show.
10:38I can do what I want, can't I?
10:41Do you know what?
10:42For the first time in my life,
10:43I'm not going to follow the rules.
10:44If you've taught me one thing, it's not to follow the rules,
10:47so I appreciate your input.
10:48I ignore it completely.
10:49It's a severe worry.
10:50How do you like them apples?
10:53Scratched satsumas.
11:03Five satsumas left.
11:04Can I just say, this is bullshit, man.
11:07You invited us on here to discuss it.
11:10We've both been absolutely crystal clear on where we want it,
11:13and then you go, fuck you,
11:14and then just put it wherever you want.
11:17I didn't know you could do an impression of me.
11:20The problem is, you've taught me not to respect other people's opinions
11:25and not to care about what the consensus is.
11:28I have learned a bitter, bitter lesson, John.
11:30Thank you so much.
11:32We're going to take a break now.
11:33Join us in a bit when we'll be looking at a brand-new worry
11:35from the world of travel.
11:51Welcome back to Ultimate Worry Award.
11:54Tonight we're looking at worries from the world of travel.
11:57Let's bring up my next worry.
12:01I worry that nobody is keeping space tidy.
12:04Now, I recently found out that the whole planet
12:06is covered in a layer of rubbish, or space junk.
12:10To tell us exactly what that means,
12:12here's a special report from Rose Matafeo.
12:21Junk.
12:23We all make it, but where are we putting it?
12:28Ever since humankind discovered the ability to explore space,
12:32so too did we discover its vast potential
12:35to serve as a giant bin for our terrible species.
12:38Every time we launch an object into space,
12:40we litter the atmosphere with tiny bits of rocket,
12:43nuts and bolts from satellites,
12:44and sometimes straight-up astronaut piss.
12:47Why should we care, Rose?
12:49Well, there are over three-quarters of a million pieces of debris
12:52orbiting our planet,
12:53and newsflash, that's a lot of pieces.
12:57The problem might get so bad
12:58that it could be impossible for future generations to go to space.
13:02And even more worryingly,
13:03satellites could knock into each other,
13:05and the Wi-Fi could go down.
13:13Was I supposed to return this hat?
13:15Why didn't you tell me that just before?
13:20Thankfully, all is not lost.
13:22Someone is working to tidy space up,
13:24and that person is Dr Hugh Lewis.
13:29Dr Hugh Lewis,
13:30Senior Lecturer in Aerospace Engineering
13:32at the University of Southampton,
13:34who, as a member of the UK Space Agency,
13:36is working to raise awareness
13:38and find a solution to the escalating space debris problem.
13:41I'm going to start with the simplest question.
13:43What is space debris?
13:45Essentially, it's parts of rockets and spacecraft
13:47that we don't need and don't use anymore.
13:49How much space debris is up there?
13:52So, for big stuff,
13:54so the size of a car,
13:55we're probably talking about a few thousand.
13:57The size of a car?
13:58Yeah, yeah.
13:59There are things that are the size of cars,
14:01the size of double-decker buses,
14:02the size of trucks.
14:03Satellites are big.
14:05But then you come down in size,
14:07and there are probably about 30,000 objects
14:09that are the size of a tennis ball
14:10or larger in the space environment.
14:12Can that kind of stuff fall down
14:13or just stay up in orbit?
14:14Most things will burn up as they enter the atmosphere,
14:17but the real problem is the danger to other spacecraft.
14:21They're travelling at enormous speeds.
14:23An impact of something the size of a marble
14:25could result in casualties on the International Space Station.
14:28Space debris is clearly a problem,
14:30so what are we going to do about all that junk,
14:32all that junk orbiting Earth's trunk?
14:36Is this a reversible thing for us?
14:38We could potentially solve this environmental problem
14:42if we put our minds to it.
14:43The trick is to get people to actually do that,
14:46to see the value in doing that.
14:48The issue that we face is that,
14:50yeah, it's a really, really bad environmental problem,
14:53but we don't see it.
14:54It's out of mind.
14:55It's like when I throw my bin bags
14:57across my neighbour's backyard.
14:59It's like, I can't see it anymore.
15:01Like, why should I care about it?
15:03It's exactly like that.
15:05Perfect.
15:06So what have we learnt?
15:07Well, if we don't do something soon,
15:09there'll be so little space left in space
15:11we'll have to come up with a new name for it.
15:13But thanks to the brave efforts of people like Hugh,
15:15space travel remains an achievable dream.
15:18For someone else, not me,
15:20I'm a woman with no transferable skills.
15:22I'll be left here to die.
15:24I'm Rose Butterfield for Ultimate Warrior.
15:32Thank you very much, Rose.
15:34So, we've basically been using space as like the ultimate loft.
15:38We're just hoiking shit up there.
15:40NASA is currently tracking
15:42more than half a million pieces of space debris
15:45orbiting the Earth at 17,500 miles per hour.
15:49This is through the 60s, 70s,
15:51a lot of purple rubbish in the 70s,
15:53through the 80s.
15:55Give you an idea of what Earth currently looks like
15:57while we were all enjoying the 90s.
16:00And there we are now in the current year, 2016.
16:05Um...
16:07And that's sort of what you like.
16:09I mean, it puts an end to the worry of aliens coming,
16:11because why would you stop at that shithole?
16:14Planet Earth has basically become like Micklewood services
16:17on the M5.
16:19Why wouldn't you just push on to Gloucester?
16:21Um...
16:23Are you worried?
16:25I believe strongly with my whole heart
16:27that once I leave this studio I'll forget all about it.
16:29I won't even...
16:31Even if I'm right behind you whispering?
16:34Remember space!
16:36Space junk.
16:38The reason it's a travel worry is that space ultimately
16:40will be our only passage off this planet,
16:42which we have absolutely destroyed.
16:44So we'll need to... I mean, getting through that
16:46is going to be like running across the M6 at rush hour,
16:48which I'm glad to say, Romesh,
16:50you've actually signed up to do,
16:52according to clause 7.10 of your contract.
16:57I don't actually think we should be allowed to leave the planet,
17:00because we've trashed this planet.
17:02I think we should just all sit here, just wallow in it,
17:05and we realise the error of our ways,
17:08but by then it'll be too late,
17:10because the planet will be destroyed.
17:12It sounds dark...
17:14What do you talk to your kids about at breakfast?
17:16And it's not just a worry, Romesh, in terms of leaving the planet.
17:19This is a picture that was tweeted by astronaut Tim Peake.
17:22This is a smash in the windscreen of his rocket.
17:27That was caused by a small fleck of paint
17:30that was travelling at such a speed
17:32that it smashed the window.
17:34His response to that was,
17:36I'm glad it's quadruple glazed.
17:41That doesn't seem like enough for space to me.
17:43Everest do triple glazing.
17:47There's a conservatory in Wigan
17:49that's one pane of glass away from being a space station.
17:53And if that's what paint can do, imagine a Satsuma!
17:58The problem with your astronaut
18:00is astronauts are a large part of the problem in space.
18:03Most of what's floating around is astronaut poop.
18:06Because they go for a poop
18:08and they just fire it out of the window.
18:10They get through about a kilo and a half of poop a week.
18:14Most of the little space poops,
18:16they burn up in the atmosphere and they look like shooting stars.
18:19That's nice. That sounds amazing.
18:22Sometimes you make a wish
18:24on what turns out to be curry night on the space station.
18:28Is space junk really a threat to space travel?
18:31Is space tourism really a realistic prospect anyway?
18:34To help us answer those questions and more,
18:36please welcome Libby Jackson from the UK Space Agency.
18:44Hello there. Hi.
18:47So you actually work in the coolest industry in the world, right?
18:51Yes, I do. You work for the space agency? Yes.
18:54Are you involved with space junk? Is it a real problem?
18:57I look after human space flight,
18:59so you've been talking about astronauts and these sorts of things.
19:02It's a genuine risk to the space station and the crew on board.
19:05And what are we going to do about it?
19:07There's lots of things we can do. You've talked about the different sizes.
19:10We've got things like nets and lasers.
19:12Basically, we want to try and capture the stuff...
19:14There's a hell of a gear shift there. ..slow it down and get it back in.
19:17We've got stuff like nets and lasers.
19:20I think we've got a picture of the netting device, haven't we?
19:24And what would you do? You'd capture the poop in that, would you?
19:27I think we've moved beyond poop. Oh, sorry.
19:29I think this is now back into all sorts of debris.
19:32You've got lots of things of different sizes.
19:34The challenge when you do something like that is to not create more junk
19:38because if you hit that and it breaks up into more pieces,
19:41you end up with more junk.
19:43Where's the junk coming from that's already up in space?
19:45A lot of it we've left there.
19:47Two things happened in the sort of late 2000s.
19:50China purposefully destroyed a satellite.
19:54They wanted to prove that they could and that created a load more junk.
19:58And then two satellites actually just collided in mid-space
20:01and went into many more pieces.
20:05And that hasn't yet but we're worried.
20:07It could create something like a domino effect.
20:09It's called the Kessler effect.
20:11If you've ever seen the movie Gravity, they had it at the beginning.
20:14They didn't quite get it right.
20:16But it's possible that one piece hits another piece
20:18that then creates two more pieces, that creates four more pieces,
20:21and it just gets worse and worse.
20:23It would take a year or two for that to happen
20:25but it could totally wipe out parts of our orbit
20:29which we all rely on every day for our everyday lives.
20:32I rely on it for navigation, our weather services,
20:35weather forecasting, communications, timing,
20:38all these services that we all rely on every day.
20:41We would notice if space suddenly wasn't usable.
20:44You must be worried now.
20:46No.
20:48Can I ask a question?
20:50When they first started going up into space,
20:53they must have known that that stuff was going to stay there.
20:56So why did we...
20:58I say we, I wasn't involved in it.
21:00But why did they just leave it?
21:02What was their strategy?
21:04Space was really big. They didn't worry about it.
21:06They were far enough into the future to see what would happen.
21:08And now it's not all right.
21:10I'm not going to lose sleep about it.
21:12Could you please get the shit out of this man?
21:14It's just impenetrable.
21:16If you can't use your GPS and you can't phone anybody
21:19and you can't watch your Sky TV
21:21and you don't know what's going to happen with your weather forecasting
21:24and all the planes start falling out of the air
21:26because they don't know what time it is,
21:28because space isn't working, I think you'd worry.
21:30Planes falling out of the air, that's not fair.
21:32That sounds inconvenient, but once they've all come down,
21:35you can't get around them.
21:37I think it's... I think it's all right.
21:39Well, I mean, you've tried amazingly to freak this man out,
21:42but it can't be done. You've certainly freaked me out.
21:44You've given us a lot of facts and information.
21:46Ladies and gentlemen, Libby Jackson!
21:51Well, let's put it on the list, because I think...
21:53Well, there's no point in us offering our opinion here, Jon.
21:58I'm going to agree that I think it's probably moderate,
22:01because it's not a massive problem now.
22:03Oh, it's stressed me out. Space has stressed me out now.
22:06I'd go red. Go red with space.
22:08Go red with space? Yes.
22:10I'm surprised that you're happy to potentially bring down a plane,
22:13but space junk is now a red worry.
22:15Yeah, I see that now.
22:18Do you want to go back in time and move?
22:20Yeah, maybe. All right, then.
22:22Space has always stressed me out, Jon.
22:24It's just so big! It's so big!
22:26And then watching all the films that are set there,
22:28like Star Wars and The Clangers, it's...
22:32I'm going to put it as a middle worry,
22:34because I think it's going to get bigger.
22:36At the moment, it's not a problem.
22:38But I think overcrowding, it feels like it should go around overcrowding,
22:41because that's one of the issues that will cause us to have to go to space,
22:44as will expired milk.
22:46So I'm going to pop it just between those two in there.
22:49Space junk!
22:57That's it for part two. We'll take a short break now.
22:59Why don't you pop upstairs and launch another shooting star,
23:02if you know what I mean?
23:19Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
23:21where tonight we're looking at worries exclusively to do with travel.
23:25Now, Romesh, do you have a worry related to travel?
23:28Yes. My worry is looking too British when I go on holiday.
23:35This is a concern that you don't...
23:37You'll look like a Brit when you're abroad,
23:39which has negative connotations.
23:41Well, I don't want to be identified as British,
23:43which I can get away with, but unfortunately,
23:45my white wife gives the game away, doesn't she?
23:48I don't really want to be identified as British,
23:53partly by the locals, but also by other British people.
23:57Because then what happens is you have to talk to people,
24:02do you know what I mean, outside of your family,
24:04and I find that unacceptable.
24:06I think that ruins a holiday, do you know what I mean?
24:09Particularly if you're at a hotel or something
24:12and you see another British family,
24:14and they're like, oh, right, you British,
24:17I'd say a good place to get chips.
24:21And then every day you see those people,
24:24and then suddenly you're in a thing where...
24:26You make friends.
24:27Yeah. Do we have to go for drinks now?
24:29Are we doing breakfast together?
24:31Because if this was England,
24:33I wouldn't piss on you if you're on fire.
24:35Because we're abroad now,
24:38we've got some sort of connection, do you know what I mean?
24:40So I just start getting nervous.
24:42Like, if I'm not with my wife, I'll just start...
24:45Just to try and just...
24:47Just to try and get out of the situation.
24:50My kids are brown enough to sort of get away with it,
24:53and we can sort of pretend that my wife is the au pair.
24:58Just try and brazen our way through it.
25:00Do you change your look to look less British when you go on holiday?
25:03Not particularly, no.
25:05I mean, I just genuinely don't think about my holiday look at all.
25:09I can agree with that,
25:11having been sent a picture of you on holiday.
25:16You look so happy.
25:19That is, at the end of the day, where nobody had spoken to me.
25:24Do you like to make friends when you go on holiday?
25:26No, I'm a bit like Romesh, I don't particularly.
25:29And it's difficult if your kids make friends,
25:31because then there's a sort of implicit
25:33you've got to be friends with the other parents.
25:35And I don't want to have to do that.
25:37And the worst is, my kids,
25:39they always make friends with the prickiest kids, man.
25:41Do you know what I mean?
25:43This is Andrew, just look at this snotty little turd.
25:47So I have to see you every day of the holiday now, am I?
25:49And obviously your genetics mean that your dad's going to be like you.
25:52Do you know what I mean?
25:54If my kids are attracting those friends,
25:56maybe my kids are like that.
25:58That's what my kids are.
26:00Then as a result of them making friends,
26:02I love my children less.
26:04It's a horrible thing to happen to you when you're in the Algar.
26:08Do you know what I mean?
26:10Well, the problem specifically with your worry of looking British,
26:13I think, is it's not just British people.
26:15It's not just British people who come up to you,
26:17but people in countries who speak English very well
26:20want to practise their English on you.
26:22I'm on holiday, I don't want to do that.
26:24I'm not here as a workshop.
26:27So let's log your worry that you're part of the Brits Abroad problem.
26:31I think, basically, being part of the Brits Abroad problem,
26:34you know, down here with sort of swimming pools and the French.
26:41Being identified as a Brit Abroad is as bad as canoes, isn't it?
26:44I think so.
26:46If you're John Darwin, they're the same problem.
26:50I'm going to file that worry there between canoe...
26:52I'm just going to get it...
26:54Oh, imagine if I really just spent the whole show
26:56getting them all lined up like that.
27:04I'm going to file that worry there between septum piercings and canoes!
27:14Do you have a travel worry?
27:16Yeah, I do. Cos I go camping quite a lot.
27:19Do you? Yeah.
27:21And I worry about not having really good camping gear.
27:24Cos I... Yeah. I mean, this is quite a big deal for me.
27:27I worry my camping gear isn't cool enough.
27:29Yeah, cos I like... Cos when I stay on a campsite,
27:32I like to walk around the campsite
27:34and look at all the other people's camping gear
27:37and have a good look in as well. Are they all right with that?
27:39If you go... Well, they don't know.
27:41They're busy cooking or doing something else.
27:43If you time it right, a sort of dusky kind of time of day,
27:47have a walk around and then you can really see in.
27:50You can see all the zippy, zippy cupboards.
27:53I love a cupboard that zips up with, like, shelves
27:56and I love compartments with...
27:58I bought a camper van. I've got a camper van now.
28:00Right. It's got so many little cupboards, Jon.
28:02I think we can have a look at your camper van.
28:04I have to say, your camper van slightly looks like it's clinically depressed.
28:09I think if ever the face of a camper van were saying,
28:12I don't like the seaside...
28:14No, well...
28:15Let's have a look at your camping gear that you've got to go with this.
28:19I've got some bad camping stories,
28:21but they make the good ones even better,
28:23cos you feel like you've really earned the good ones.
28:26Oh, that sounds amazing.
28:28You have a series of shit times,
28:30so that the slightly worse shit times seem great.
28:33It's something about it.
28:35Tell me your worst camping story.
28:37A tent's blown away. Lost a whole tent.
28:40I held on to it in the night.
28:42In the night, holding on to a guy rope.
28:44Yeah.
28:45So while you were in the tent...
28:47Yes, it nearly blew away. It lifted off.
28:49Yeah, and it was when the wind is that...
28:51When you've got wind like that in your face.
28:53Had that.
28:54But you feel so good when you get home.
28:58You feel so happy that you made it.
29:00Yeah. No, it sounds amazing.
29:03I have a present for you
29:05that I thought would help your, sort of,
29:08around the campsite.
29:09So, would my John please bring on the knapsack?
29:13This is one of my assistants.
29:16I mainly hire people who look and dress like me.
29:21Cheers, mate.
29:23That's a knapsack.
29:24It's a sleeping bag that you can wear like a jacket.
29:27Oh, my God, I love it.
29:28It goes the full length.
29:29So you can strut around the campsite
29:31with your glass of Pinot Grigio in one hand.
29:33Oh, my God, yes.
29:34Oh, it's got zips!
29:35Oh, yeah.
29:36I love the sound of a zip.
29:38Yes.
29:39It's like a sleeping bag onesie.
29:40It's exactly that.
29:41Yeah, they've somehow made a onesie even cooler.
29:47Oh, my God.
29:50Yes.
29:51Yes, I think so.
29:55I love it.
29:56Thank you.
29:57I love it.
30:00I would wear this for the school run.
30:03I think I might have created a problem.
30:06Romesh, I've got something for you as well.
30:08Satsuma!
30:10I think you might have not seen the best of camping, Romesh,
30:14because for people like you and I...
30:17You haven't seen the best of it?
30:20What's available?
30:23There's a camper van you can buy
30:25for the person who perhaps likes being out and about
30:28but doesn't perhaps like people
30:30and doesn't want someone staring in at their window,
30:32just wants a bit of privacy,
30:34bring on the QT van!
30:39Come and have a look.
30:42This is basically a one-person camper van situation
30:46for if you want to get out and about
30:49but you don't want a lot of space,
30:51you don't want anyone hassling you,
30:52you just want to be at a park,
30:53list up somewhere in a lay-by.
30:54Have a look round, what can you see?
30:56A bed, a clock.
30:57Bed, a clock.
30:58A drinks cabinet.
30:59A lovely decanter and glasses there.
31:01TV.
31:02It is shit, isn't it though?
31:06This makes me really happy.
31:08Do you want this?
31:09Yes, I'd love this.
31:10Do you want to get in?
31:11It might fall over.
31:12Romesh, you get in, show Kerry what it's like.
31:14Yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:15She don't want to get in because it'll fall over,
31:17let's stick the brown blanket in.
31:27Hello there.
31:28Hi.
31:37Here's Kerry at night time.
31:38Oh, what have you got in there?
31:40Oh, hello, hello.
31:45What do you think?
31:46Five and a half grand?
31:47Are you shitting me?
31:51Five and a half grand,
31:52this is solid MDF, mate.
31:54Will you stay there?
31:55We'll log the worry.
31:57We're going to log the worry, Kerry,
31:58that your camping gear isn't good enough.
32:00Yeah.
32:01I'm going to let you put this where you like
32:02because it's sort of up to you.
32:03I've shown you some of the cool stuff.
32:05Has that made you think,
32:06actually, my camping gear's all right?
32:07You've got your sleeping bag and your little van.
32:09Are you down here now?
32:10Do you think, actually, my stuff's all right?
32:12I'm doing all right?
32:13Put it next to dead legs and iPhones?
32:16Yeah.
32:17Are you getting drunk in there, Romesh?
32:21It is...
32:22He's coming round to it.
32:23It hasn't got toilet facilities, so...
32:26If you are going to get drunk,
32:27just be aware you'll just need to open a window.
32:31I think, yeah,
32:32I feel quite confident that my stuff's all right.
32:34Yeah?
32:35Between pyjamas and motorway services,
32:36there we go, camping gear.
32:38Thank you, Kerry.
32:43That's it for part three.
32:44Join us after the break.
32:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:01Welcome back to Ultimate Worry-Aware.
33:03I've got just enough time to look at one more worry
33:05from the world of travel.
33:07I worry that a driverless car will kill me.
33:11Driverless cars are coming.
33:12That's a fact.
33:13Chancellor Philip Hammond has said that by 2021,
33:16he wants to see fully driverless cars in the UK.
33:20Excited about driverless cars?
33:22Yes.
33:23Robots are better than people.
33:24I think robots might be better than people.
33:26People are pretty rubbish.
33:27I mean, I...
33:28People do crash cars a lot, don't they?
33:31They do. We've all seen it.
33:32Yeah.
33:33Would you feel safer in a driverless car world?
33:35No, I'm firmly against.
33:37You need someone to blame, don't you?
33:39Like, who do you make the wanker sign at
33:42if they cut you up, do you know what I mean?
33:43It's just like...
33:44A robot?
33:45No, it's not a robot.
33:46It's just like an empty...
33:47Oh, isn't it a robot?
33:48No, it's not...
33:49Isn't it like a robot doing that?
33:51They're not sending in...
33:53It's not...
33:54That's what you want, a robot.
33:56I got scared when I got, like, a Mr T sat-nav voice.
34:01That was terrifying enough, do you know what I mean?
34:03Yeah, that is.
34:04Turn right now, fool!
34:06I pity the fool that didn't leave at this exit.
34:08And you just... It's going wrong.
34:10And also, the other thing is,
34:12is I think that the cars being better at doing stuff
34:18is eroding our basic skills.
34:20As a comedian, I've driven everywhere in this country.
34:23I haven't got a clue where anything...
34:25Because I've just used a sat-nav, do you know what I mean?
34:27But that's good.
34:28I've still got A-Zs.
34:29I've got an A-Z of Hull that I bought for one gig
34:31that I just refuse to get rid of.
34:33Because there may come an apocalypse and I may be in Hull.
34:37But that's the thing, I don't even think I could use that.
34:40Like, I just use a sat-nav and it instructs you.
34:43Do you know when, like, you press a button
34:45and it just reverse parks it?
34:47Yes.
34:48Now I can't do that anymore.
34:49Parking is the only thing I can really do
34:52that makes me feel vaguely competent in society.
34:56And it's something my wife does not give me enough credit for.
34:59I'm not going to lie to you.
35:00Sometimes I have to sort of prompt her to congratulate me.
35:03So, like, if we park, I'll say,
35:04am I right on your side?
35:05And she'll open the door and say, yeah.
35:07And I'll say, I thought I was, but you didn't say anything.
35:10It's a genuine concern that technology is replacing all our skills.
35:13All skills are under threat,
35:15and no-one is more passionate about that
35:17than 70s throwback Mike Bubbins.
35:19So here he is with an impassioned warning for the youth of today.
35:28You young people can't do anything.
35:29You're relying on your smartphones and your Tamagotchis
35:32to do the simplest of tasks.
35:34You're about as handy as Jeremy Beedle.
35:36In my day, that was a great reference.
35:41What happened to having skills, learning to trade?
35:44Four out of five young people cannot even read a map.
35:46That's the first thing I learned at Scouts.
35:48The second thing I had to...
35:50don't get left alone with the Scoutmaster.
35:54But it's not just maps.
35:565% of millennials don't even know how to unblock a sink.
36:00Only 17% can hang a picture frame.
36:02One in five cannot even boil an egg.
36:08Do you know what this is?
36:09Back in the day, this was mightier than the sword.
36:12When was the last time you lot wrote anything down?
36:15A third of people these days
36:16don't even know their own partner's phone numbers.
36:18Back in the day, I knew dozens of girls' phone numbers.
36:20I mean, look at me.
36:22And I couldn't even block your number back in those days.
36:25What's worse, 65% of millennials
36:28say they feel uncomfortable having a face-to-face conversation
36:31with another human being.
36:33Hoo-hoo.
36:34Conversation is the very cornerstone of society.
36:36Whether I'm chiming my way under a breath test
36:38or being publicly belittled by my children.
36:41I like my conversation like I like my sex.
36:43Brief. To the point.
36:45And staring the other person directly in the eyes at all times.
36:48And the last bit is not negotiable.
36:58Frankly terrifying, Mike Bobbins.
37:00Yeah.
37:01Do you know your partner's mobile numbers by heart?
37:03No.
37:04No? I still do.
37:05Do you?
37:06Both your partners.
37:08So, if we accept that de-skilling is going to happen,
37:13it's just going to happen,
37:14all the skills that we had then are gone.
37:16All the skills that we have with driving will disappear.
37:18Driverless cars will become a thing.
37:20The next issue is how to make driverless cars as safe as possible.
37:23And there will be a situation
37:25where a driverless car will be in an accident.
37:27And it will have to decide
37:29what is the safest accident for it to happen.
37:32So, will it hit one person instead of a group of people?
37:35That seems a fairly sensible decision.
37:37If it has a choice between two people,
37:39according to Google's Sebastian Thrun,
37:42if it happens that there is a situation where the car couldn't escape,
37:45it would go for the smaller thing.
37:48Which seems unacceptable to me.
37:51As a smaller gentleman,
37:53I don't look forward to the days
37:54when I have to carry an emergency hamster in my pocket.
37:59Getting a bit close.
38:01Does that just mean that we're going to have loads of driverless cars
38:03just targeting children?
38:05I mean, it would seem like it, yeah.
38:07We live in a world where we've got ant but no deck.
38:11The other consequence of driverless cars is that it will end drivers.
38:14So, none of us will be drivers.
38:15We'll all become passengers.
38:16So, the real question is, are you a good passenger?
38:19And the fairest way I would say to assess that
38:21would be to look at your Uber ratings.
38:24So, every time you get in an Uber,
38:25the driver gets to rate you.
38:27Every time you get in an Uber, the driver gets to rate you.
38:29Do you have a knowledge of what your Uber rating is?
38:33I've got a rough idea.
38:35I never look. They're like reviews.
38:37Oh, you want to check, mate?
38:38Oh, I don't want to look.
38:39What are you getting up to in the back of a cab?
38:42Well, I don't talk.
38:43I don't like talking.
38:44That's a few points off.
38:45Is it? Do you have to chat?
38:47If there's a rating on offer, I will talk.
38:49Really?
38:50Yeah, if I'm not getting marked...
38:51How badly do you want it?
38:52Yeah, I just don't want to get marked down.
38:54What's your Uber rating?
38:55I am 4.98.
38:59What are you doing?
39:00Huh?
39:01What are you doing to those drivers?
39:02I sit in the thing.
39:04All I do is I sit in there, I chat,
39:06I'm interested in the music and a quick handjob.
39:09And that is it.
39:11What's yours? What's yours?
39:12It doesn't matter what mine is.
39:13Come on.
39:15It's not relevant.
39:16I actually think Uber's corrupt.
39:17You shouldn't be using it.
39:19Support the black cabs, right, guys?
39:21What is yours?
39:224.9 fucking 7, Roman.
39:24Am I right?
39:25It's 4.97.
39:28So let's put this on the list.
39:29It's my final worry of the day.
39:31I worry that a driverless car will kill me.
39:33I've sort of come to think that driverless cars might be the future
39:36and actually, as you said, Kerry, they're probably safest.
39:39So I'm going to file that away between joint accounts and Oyster Cards.
39:42Driverless cars!
39:48So it's time now to quickly take a look
39:51at some of the audience's worries submitted by our audience,
39:54starting with this one.
39:56Where is Andrew Willoughby?
39:59Andrew, what is your travel-based worry?
40:02I worry I'm drinking children's urine on holiday.
40:05This is a pool-based anecdote, I hope,
40:07otherwise it will never make it to air.
40:09Swimming pools.
40:10Swimming pools.
40:12Why are you drinking swimming pool water?
40:14It just goes in your mouth.
40:16Well, it doesn't if you keep your mouth shut.
40:19I've got to be honest with you, mate.
40:20I'm telling my kids to piss in the pool all the time.
40:23It just makes it easier.
40:25Because the toilet, you've got to get them out,
40:29take them over there, just go in there,
40:31a little breast crawl, piss it out, mate, it'll be fine.
40:33That bloke will drink it up, it'll be gone in no time.
40:37It wasn't really a thing I thought about before you said it,
40:40but now that you've mentioned it and now that Romesh has backed it up
40:43by saying he's encouraging his kids to piss in a pool,
40:45I'm going to mark that down as a severe worry,
40:47so thank you, Andrew.
40:49Where is Jane Taylor?
40:51Jane, there you are. What's your worry?
40:53My worry is that I worry that I won't be able to photograph
40:58my car myelometer at key numbers.
41:01Oh.
41:04That's just so bang on, that's just...
41:08That's just such a good worry.
41:10I don't even understand that.
41:12Jane, do you want to explain?
41:13So, you're driving along and you've got your instruments in front of you
41:17and it says how many miles you've done in that car.
41:20Hang on, instruments?
41:22The dashboard panel.
41:23The dashboard, yes.
41:24The instrument panel, so it lights up when it tells you
41:27how many miles you've done in that car,
41:29because it's my car and I've got a personal relationship with that,
41:32those are my miles, so...
41:34OK, Jane, can I just stop you there?
41:38You are what's known as a psychopath.
41:42Do you not feel this, though?
41:43You're driving along, you're on the motorway,
41:45you happen to glance down, your myelometer says 59,999 miles.
41:50You think, this is about to click on to 60,000.
41:53I want to take a picture of that, right, Jane?
41:55Exactly.
41:56Yeah, those are your miles.
41:57Do I think that?
42:00I don't know what you're talking about.
42:02I've never even looked at the myelometer in my car.
42:06You've got to at least get your ten thousands, right, Jane?
42:10I've got 99,999 and I've got 100,000.
42:15Oh, lovely.
42:16But I missed 77777.
42:18Oh, my God.
42:21I mean, you bang on, you bang on.
42:23It's another situation where I'm just going to overrule
42:26and say that is instantly a severe worry.
42:30And if you're out and about, tweet them to me,
42:32I never get tired of receiving them.
42:35That's it for this week's Ultimate Worryer.
42:37Thank you to my guests, Kerry Godliman and Ramesh Ranganathan.
42:43I, for one, have learned this this week,
42:45that in the future we will be superseded by millions of driverless cars
42:49fitted with a complex moral compass.
42:51So before you cross the road, remember to look left, look right,
42:54then look up and pray on a shooting star that you're the biggest thing.
42:57Oh, sorry, that's not a shooting star,
42:59that's one of Tim Peake's turds disintegrating.
43:01Goodnight.
43:08This programme contains strong language and adult humour
43:11which is not suitable for all ages.
43:13Adult humour is a violation of parental guidance
43:16and is not suitable for all ages.
43:18Adult humour is a violation of parental guidance
43:21and is not suitable for all ages.
43:23Adult humour is a violation of parental guidance
43:26and is not suitable for all ages.
43:28Adult humour is a violation of parental guidance
43:31and is not suitable for all ages.
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