First broadcast 10th July 2019.
Jon Richardson
Jessie Cave
Darren Harriott
Richard Osman
Carol Cooper
Colin Furze
Jon Richardson
Jessie Cave
Darren Harriott
Richard Osman
Carol Cooper
Colin Furze
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worry,
00:36the show where I discuss all of the world's worries
00:39and file them away neatly for future reference.
00:42The world is a horrible, miserable, desperate place
00:45and our only respite will be booze-induced oblivion
00:48or the blessed release of death.
00:50Welcome to the show!
00:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:55This is my Worry Index.
00:57It's home to millions of worries,
00:59categorised and ranked following decades of thorough analysis.
01:02This week, we'll be looking at some brand-new worries,
01:05all exclusively to do with the theme of...
01:08..modern living.
01:09Coming up tonight, we'll be fretting about search histories,
01:12software updates and shitting in the woods.
01:15Before we move on, please welcome my guests for tonight.
01:18To help me, Jessie Cave, Darren Harriot and Richard Osman!
01:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:26How are you doing?
01:28How are you?
01:30Oh, that's quite a chair, this! Bloody hell!
01:33Riding!
01:35Bloody hell. That is comfortable.
01:37Yeah, we've really developed a couch
01:39that means everyone's first noise on the show is...
01:41Ooh!
01:43Let's kick things off with our first worry of the show.
01:46From you, Darren, do you have a worry from the world of modern living?
01:49Yeah, I worry that we no longer care about magic.
01:56It's that sort of attitude.
01:58That's not fair. That's not fair.
02:00Magic, guys. Remember magic?
02:03Remember how fun... Remember how fun magic...
02:07Yeah, yeah, I remember that.
02:09No-one cares about... Technology has ruined magic.
02:12I so love magic. I'll tell you another thing as well.
02:15You've never seen better reactions towards magic than black people.
02:20OK.
02:22Seriously, if you YouTube black people reacting to magic...
02:26Oh!
02:28Oh!
02:30Oh!
02:32Oh!
02:34It's amazing. I just...
02:36We just don't care about it. I want to learn magic.
02:38I'm at that point where I'm thinking of getting into magic.
02:40Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you love magic this much, you have not yet learned?
02:43No. If I were you, I'd become a magician.
02:46Try and do magic for three-year-old kids.
02:48That's the best magic in the world. They don't know what you're doing.
02:50If you just have a pound coin in your hand, just go,
02:52what's this?
02:54They'll just go, you are kidding me. Where did that come from?
02:57I beg to differ, cos I've been at a party recently for three-year-olds
03:00where there was a kind of actress or so, she did some magic,
03:05and everyone was just very sad by the end of the party.
03:09To be fair, I can't imagine a more pressured gig
03:11than trying to crack out for some magic
03:13for someone who's been in the Harry Potter films.
03:15Surrounded by kids who must think you are a genuine...
03:18I mean, it must be the bane of your life.
03:20Not yet, because my kids have no idea what Harry Potter is,
03:23they just think it's a person that gets referenced all the time.
03:27Oh, there I go, there I go. There you are.
03:29But the older kids at my kids' nursery,
03:32they are, like, prime Harry Potter age group,
03:35and as we go into the nursery every day, they shout at me,
03:38um, Expelliarmus!
03:41And my kids have no idea what that means,
03:44they just think that everyone hates me.
03:48I've never seen Harry Potter before,
03:50but does he do, like, sleight-of-hand stuff?
03:53No, he's not that...
03:55He's not that kind of magician?
03:57He's more like a wizard type of...
03:59Oh! No, I'm not a fan of that.
04:02Who is your favourite magician of all time?
04:04My favourite magician of all... It's got to be, like,
04:06David Copperfield, I think. Copperfield.
04:08Yeah, he used to, like, saw people in half.
04:10Always women as well, which was weird.
04:13It was a different time, Darren.
04:16For me, it's been the big shift in magic.
04:18Away from tricks and towards talking for 50 minutes on telly
04:22before you do what a proper magician would have done
04:25by way of saying hello.
04:27I think magic peaked Paul Daniel's Ball In A Cup.
04:30If you haven't seen it,
04:32this is Paul Daniel's finishing magic for all time.
04:36And the only time you should worry is if I sneak it into my left hand,
04:39cos if the ball's in my left hand, it's in my left hand.
04:41If it's not in my hand, it's under the cup.
04:43If it's under the cup, it's not in my hand at all.
04:45If it's in that hand, it couldn't be in that.
04:47If it's in that, it couldn't be up there.
04:49If it's up there, it couldn't be down there.
04:51If it's in the pocket, it's the same time.
04:53If it's up there, it's under the cup.
04:55If the cup and the ball are separate,
04:57and the cup is empty, it can't have the ball in it.
04:59Got the ball in the cup, it can't be in the pocket.
05:01In the pocket, it can't be in the cup.
05:03If on the other hand, the ball and the cup are together...
05:05You're not following this, are you?
05:07APPLAUSE
05:09Perfect, right?
05:11It's actual magic.
05:13That was his secret.
05:15I sort of like magic, but have you ever been at a wedding
05:17or something where there's a magician
05:19sort of going around the room?
05:21There's no part of me that thinks,
05:23God, I can't wait. All I'm thinking is,
05:25I'm going to have to stop in the middle of a story
05:27and pretend to be impressed by a virgin.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:31I mean, here's my perfect...
05:33If I were doing that at a function, this to me...
05:35See if you get as excited about this trick, Darren.
05:37So this is an ordinary deck of cards.
05:39I've got a card, yeah. You've got to talk me through it.
05:41You've got to talk about it. Do some Paul Daniels stuff.
05:43Paul Daniels, yeah, you've got to really sell it.
05:45If the cards are in the hand, then the cards can't be up my arse.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:49Right. Ordinary deck of cards. There, you can see that.
05:51Ordinary deck of cards.
05:53Right, do you want to pick a card?
05:55Oh, my goodness.
05:57Show that to Jessie and Richard.
05:59OK. Now pass it to me.
06:01Oh, my God. Is that your card? Yeah.
06:03Enjoy your dinner.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07See what's there?
06:09You're going to love the warrior.
06:11I'm just going to grab my pen just to make some notes.
06:15Oh! What?!
06:17That's going to be so good.
06:19That was great.
06:21That was mind-blowing. You're welcome.
06:23I thought you were going to throw it and then you didn't throw it,
06:25it stayed in your ear.
06:27Honestly, I was looking at you and I went,
06:29why was he going to throw it and you didn't throw it?
06:31And then where was it?
06:33Are you sure you're not a labrador?
06:35LAUGHTER
06:39So, Darren, we're going to log your worry,
06:41and the worry is our worry there's no place for magic
06:43in the modern world, and that is a moderate worry.
06:45And that's credit to you, Darren,
06:47because that was a low worry as far as I'm concerned,
06:49but the joy that I've seen removed from your life
06:51at the absence of magic
06:53means you've argued that up to a moderate worry.
06:55Thank you.
06:57APPLAUSE
07:01Richard, do you have a worry from our worry index?
07:03I worry that the world is running out of Richards.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:09Quite a selfish worry.
07:11No, because I include a number of other people in that.
07:13I include the Richards of this world,
07:15I include the Johns of this world, the Darrens of this world.
07:17Yeah, well, you've got, like, lots of famous Richards.
07:19Me?
07:21Yeah, Burton, Ashcroft, the Third.
07:23Look at me!
07:25LAUGHTER
07:27I've got Darren Day and Darren from Hollyoaks.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31Who was Darren from Hollyoaks?
07:33LAUGHTER
07:35Let's give you some Richard stats.
07:37Oh, lovely.
07:39So, 200 years ago, Richard was the most popular name in the country.
07:41No way.
07:43And at that time, we were knocking out 2,400 Richards a year at that point.
07:45You're kidding me.
07:47Last year, not in the top 100.
07:49Not nowadays.
07:51New babies now are being called, like, hashtag.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:57Top five boys' names, Oliver, Harry, Jack, George, Noah.
07:59Noah.
08:01Noah.
08:03Noah.
08:05Noah.
08:07This feels like we're in a musical all of a sudden.
08:09Yes, Noah!
08:11But one of us doesn't have this problem.
08:13One of us has a name in the top 100 names.
08:15Jessica.
08:1715th.
08:19Oh, very.
08:21You staying in the Premier League?
08:23I didn't like...
08:25I tried to change my name when I was 15 to Destiny.
08:27And I'm glad.
08:29Why Destiny?
08:31Just cos, like, people call me Jess quite a lot and I don't like Jess.
08:33But then they call you Des.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:37I think Destiny, people would just...
08:39It's a lovely word to say.
08:41Destiny Cave?
08:43Destiny Cave.
08:45It's like an afternoon drama.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:49It's like a Jamaican holiday resort.
08:51I wasn't allowed.
08:53You can sort of do that.
08:55I was Jon-Jo for a lot of years.
08:57And then one day I just said,
08:59can the Jon-Jo shit, guys?
09:01LAUGHTER
09:03I think I was wearing a smoking jacket at the time.
09:05LAUGHTER
09:07And I just said, you know what, it's Jon from now on.
09:09Don't like Jon-Jo, it's babyish.
09:11And I think that was a sign of the prick I would become.
09:15LAUGHTER
09:17We all love a greff.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:21I don't even have the reach to get that to its full extent.
09:23I've got a graph here of Richards throughout the ages.
09:25OK.
09:27So we're starting in 1905, so this is a century of Richards,
09:29and we're watching fairly decent fluctuation there.
09:31You were born 1970? 1970.
09:33So we're looking at 70 there.
09:35Pretty good.
09:37You were born at peak Richard.
09:39Can I just say, in 1970, when I was called Richard,
09:41my mum obviously called me Richard,
09:43she said, that name is future-proof.
09:45She said, that name...
09:47LAUGHTER
09:49That name will never go out of fashion.
09:51I love my mum, but further evidence
09:53she's a fucking idiot.
09:55LAUGHTER
09:57Let's have a look at the Richards.
09:59So 1970, you're born.
10:01We're stopping about 1985,
10:03which is about when you went pubic, I reckon, and started...
10:05LAUGHTER
10:07I was about 6'4".
10:09This is about when our Richard started hitting the dating scene,
10:11and let's look at what happened to the Richards.
10:13Yeah.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:17Have you guys had, like, bad press?
10:19Yeah.
10:21Has there been a lot of Richard serial killers?
10:23Not that we know about.
10:25Keep it light, mate.
10:27LAUGHTER
10:29No, listen, Richard, the name is shortened
10:31to Dick, and people don't like that.
10:33People don't like Dick, John.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:37So let's find out where we can attribute the blame.
10:39Let's look at your prominent Richards.
10:41So we have, of course, we've got our very own Richard Osman.
10:43Hello.
10:45You would count as a prominent Richard.
10:47Good guy.
10:49Richard Branson, your big Richards.
10:51And, of course, you've got Hammond.
10:53So let's put the four of them together...
10:55Uh-oh.
10:57..and see if we can work out
10:59why people aren't calling their kids Richards.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:03Let's just hammer out what the bloody hell is going on.
11:05Who have you...
11:07Just out of interest, who have you got a particular problem with
11:09on that board?
11:11LAUGHTER
11:13I'd probably rank them in order of devastating effect
11:15on the Richards of our time.
11:17Hammond, Branson,
11:19Maidley, Osman.
11:21OK. I think you're the least offensive.
11:23And don't get me wrong, I think you're an arsehole.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:27Not saying that.
11:29But I think you're the least offensive on that board.
11:31Let's look at your prominent Johns.
11:33Yeah. Richardson. Look at that picture.
11:35Hello. Hey, hey, hey.
11:37Someone's on Tinder.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:41Little bit of chest hair as well.
11:43Look at you.
11:45I realise that I did not
11:47sanction which picture of me we used.
11:49LAUGHTER
11:51Let's swipe that one left. You've got your
11:53Jon Snow. OK.
11:55I did sort of mean
11:57the Jon Snow from Game Of Thrones, but...
11:59LAUGHTER
12:01I'll take that one. Jon Hamm, of course. Oh, yeah.
12:03Very handsome, prominent Jon. Yeah.
12:05J-O-N. And, of course, the Jon of all Jons.
12:07Jon Bon Jovi.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:11Shut to the heart
12:13and you're to blame.
12:15You give Jon
12:17a good name.
12:19LAUGHTER
12:21APPLAUSE
12:25So, let's log this worry.
12:27I worry we're running out
12:29of Richards, and clearly
12:31that is a low worry.
12:33Purely because having a name that
12:35not a lot of people have anymore is a good thing.
12:37I'm constantly hearing people in the street shout,
12:39Jon! And I go, oh, another one.
12:41Oh, OK. You know what?
12:43Call your next child Adolf. Go on. Go ahead.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:47They probably won't do that.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:51Richards. And the lack of them
12:53is a low worry.
12:55APPLAUSE
12:57That's it for part one.
12:59See you in a bit.
13:01APPLAUSE
13:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:15Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
13:17where tonight we're looking at the world of modern living.
13:19Now, each show,
13:21one of our guests carries out some extra research
13:23on one of their worries,
13:25and this week that person is Jessie Cave.
13:27So, Jessie, what is your worry in the world of modern living?
13:29My worry is that
13:31I can't live without
13:33my home comforts.
13:35What sort of home comforts are we talking?
13:37Wi-Fi. Lots of Wi-Fi.
13:39That's me.
13:41So, Netflix,
13:43all of the other
13:45TV-watching devices.
13:47And you drew this for us? Yeah.
13:49It's awful, so let's just stop looking at it.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:53Anyway, yeah, so I think I'm incredibly reliant
13:55on the internet.
13:57And it's something you'd like to get away from?
13:59I'm really worried about the impact it's having on my kids.
14:01And I worry that it's affecting their brains
14:03and it's affecting my happiness.
14:05I mean, that's probably quite clear.
14:09Is this ringing any bells?
14:11Yeah, as addicted as you're going to get.
14:13Even now, I'm thinking about my phone.
14:15Where is it?
14:17Yeah, what's it doing?
14:19Can I like a picture or not?
14:21What can I do?
14:23I take it in the bathroom with me.
14:25I'll answer phones on the toilet, guys.
14:27Never FaceTime,
14:29but I'll answer a call.
14:31I'm one of those.
14:33Are you in control of your sort of home comfort need?
14:35I grew up in the 1970s,
14:37where we had nothing at all.
14:39Honestly, in the 1970s,
14:41when they brought out SodaStream,
14:43everyone was like,
14:45oh, my God, a SodaStream!
14:47So I remember a time before we had
14:49every bit of information in the world
14:51on the small thing in our pocket,
14:53so I'm very happy to have it.
14:55You grew up without technology, so you don't really need it.
14:57You're saying you're fully addicted.
14:59So to help you in your quest to step away,
15:01I'm going to introduce you to me,
15:03a woman who has absolutely stepped away from all technology,
15:05a woman called Emma Orbach.
15:07This is Emma here.
15:09Tell us everything we can't already guess from that picture.
15:11So Emma lives without any technology.
15:13She's lived without electricity
15:15for over 20 years.
15:17Basically, she doesn't need anything.
15:19I'll be honest, there's a limit
15:21to sort of how hard I'm willing for my life to be,
15:23but I'm going into this open-minded
15:25and I'm willing to be swayed.
15:27Let's have a look.
15:31Hi.
15:33Hello.
15:35I'm Jessie. I'm Emma.
15:37Nice to meet you.
15:39Would you like to come and see where I live?
15:41Yes, please.
15:45So this is where I live.
15:47Oh, wow.
15:49What is this material here?
15:51The walls are made of plaster,
15:53which is my own secret recipe.
15:55Horseshit and mud, actually.
15:57Did you have to use horseshit?
15:59I use what I've got lying around.
16:01So you've lived here for how long exactly?
16:03In this one, I've lived here
16:05for about four or five years.
16:07My old one burnt down, so I had to build another one.
16:09How did it burn down?
16:11A fire, you know.
16:13So on a typical day,
16:15I rely on
16:17coffee,
16:19television,
16:21my phone,
16:23Netflix, Instagram, Twitter,
16:25Wikipedia.
16:27What do you rely on?
16:29I rely on really nice, fresh spring water,
16:31peace and quiet,
16:33the sound of the wind and the trees.
16:35Well, there's lots of things.
16:37Is there any technology
16:39that you would let back into your life
16:41if it just made something in particular
16:43just a bit easier?
16:45Have you ever thought,
16:47oh, fuck it, I just really want a George Foreman grill?
16:49I don't know what a George Foreman grill is.
16:51I've got a wheelbarrow.
16:53That's really quite a lot of technology,
16:55yeah, wheelbarrows.
16:59So, Emma, you've been living here
17:01for about 20 years now,
17:03and so I thought it'd be nice to bring you up to speed
17:05on some of the most important things that have happened.
17:07So we all watch TV
17:09on our phones now.
17:11Our fridges are smart, our watches are smart,
17:13everything is smart.
17:15So that means you've got that energy all around you.
17:17Yeah, but you also know when you're out of butter.
17:19But I know when I'm out of butter.
17:21You do, yes.
17:23There's a thing called Fitbit.
17:25They tell you how many steps you have to walk
17:27until someone loves you again.
17:29There's a thing called The Cloud,
17:31and everyone stores all of their virtual belongings
17:33on The Cloud, but it's mainly pictures of...
17:35balls.
17:37So I think that's about everything.
17:39Do you feel like you're up to speed now?
17:41I feel really happy to have missed all of that.
17:43OK, good.
17:49It feels like there was a slide-indoors moment
17:51where you were about to get to tell her
17:53what a George Foreman grill was,
17:55and there's a danger she'd have gone,
17:57I've made a terrible mistake.
17:59I felt so calm
18:01afterwards, and then on the train back
18:03I didn't look at my phone once.
18:05And it's now about two weeks later
18:07and I'm even worse
18:09than I was before.
18:11So it didn't last that long.
18:13Imagine if when you left, she just
18:15pulled out her laptop.
18:17Sort of slagging you off
18:19on Twitter.
18:23Where did she go to the toilet?
18:25So, the toilet is
18:27a really cool, it's like
18:29up some steps, and she's built it.
18:31A compost toilet. Did she give you a tour?
18:33Yeah, she did. Here we go.
18:37OK, so here
18:39we have one of the luxury compost
18:41toilets, and then you have this fantastic
18:43view.
18:45This is the most unique toilet I've ever seen.
18:47It's very peaceful.
18:49So, what happens
18:51when you have to go in the night? Could you go with an owl
18:53watching you? Well, why not?
18:55Animals don't get all self-conscious
18:57if they're having a poo. It's a perfectly natural
18:59event as well. I've seen a couple of cats
19:01that get very self-conscious.
19:05Here we have another of the
19:07luxury facilities. This is the bath.
19:09How often do you have a bath, then?
19:11I don't think
19:13I had one this winter. I'm trying to
19:15remember.
19:17You fill it up with cold water
19:19and then light the fire underneath there.
19:21And again, you're not worried about the
19:23bath becoming a fire?
19:25Water doesn't normally catch fire. Oh yeah, that's true.
19:31So, this is
19:33the sauna. It's so big.
19:35And this is a nice,
19:37simple way of
19:39maybe eight or nine people getting
19:41really hot and clean and
19:43having a nice time. Just because
19:45I'm a bit Flintstones, it doesn't mean I can't
19:47have a few luxuries.
19:53Move into the fucking
19:55sauna, mate.
19:57The sauna's lovely. Yeah, it was so nice.
19:59Is anyone willing to
20:01submit to that lifestyle to get away from their home comforts?
20:03Oh yeah, I'd love to
20:05live in the woods if I was a cartoon bear.
20:09I think I would like to do it like one day a week.
20:11Yeah, a day when nothing's really happening.
20:13Sunday. A Sunday. Go there with a hangover.
20:15A day when I don't need a poo.
20:19It seems that the technology
20:21we've all said we'd miss the most is the phone.
20:23That's the thing you said that you got back and then, if anything,
20:25you've used your phone more. Well, what you can do
20:27is there's an app now on the phone
20:29called Screen Time, where you can have a look
20:31at precisely how much time you're spending
20:33on your phone. When you arrived, we asked if
20:35we could have a look at your screen time.
20:37Two of you, Jesse and
20:39Richard. You've disabled this app.
20:41Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course
20:43you disable it. Of course. I think the answer to why
20:45you've disabled it might become apparent if we have a look
20:47at the stats. So let's have a look at the results,
20:49me and Darren on Screen Time.
20:5123 hours,
20:5322 minutes. This is in a week.
20:55Oh, I was going to say, that is
20:57a busy day.
20:59I put aside 38 minutes
21:01for a nap.
21:03Let's have a look at Darren.
21:05Oh!
21:07There's nothing
21:09else other than sleep in that time.
21:11Look, I'm starting
21:13to think this is like an intervention.
21:17I'm a big fan of seeing people
21:19open presents online. It's basically like
21:21a Young Deal or No Deal
21:23every day. It's fun.
21:25But most of it is YouTube,
21:27which, in my defence, means it's not porn,
21:29because you can't watch porn on YouTube.
21:31In case you're thinking dirty thoughts,
21:33it's nothing dirty, it's just me watching kids
21:35open up boxes.
21:45Some of the things you can do in 116 hours and 51 minutes.
21:47You could have travelled to New York
21:49and back eight times.
21:51You could have watched
21:5377.3 football matches.
21:55You could have taxidermied
21:57three and a half bears.
21:59I bet you're regretting that phone time
22:01now, right?
22:03So, Jessie, we're going to log that worry,
22:05and the worry is, I worry I can't live without
22:07my home comforts, and no doubt about it,
22:09that is a severe worry,
22:11because whilst you've been talking,
22:13I've realised that I absolutely
22:15cannot live without any of my home comforts,
22:17but depressingly, I can live
22:19without a large number of the people in my life.
22:21So that is a severe worry.
22:23Thank you, Jessie.
22:26And there it goes.
22:28Underneath, humblebrags there.
22:30I can't stand people who humblebrag.
22:32I try not to, but I did get
22:34picked up on it recently, and embarrassingly,
22:36it was by my best friend, Taylor Swift.
22:38Now, let's take a break,
22:40and after that, we'll be looking at my
22:42first worry of the night, which is,
22:44I worry about my
22:46internet search history.
22:49Am I a sex pest?
22:51Find out after the break.
22:55Coming up on Ultimate Worryer.
22:59You can taste the fear.
23:11Welcome back to Ultimate Worryer,
23:13where tonight we're looking at worries
23:15exclusively to do with the world of modern living.
23:17Now, before the break, I revealed
23:19our next worry of the night.
23:21I worry about my internet search history.
23:23Now, of course, I'm talking about
23:25the rise of cyberchondria.
23:27But you all thought it was something naughty, didn't you?
23:29Stripped you there, and now you're hooked.
23:31That's my work done.
23:35Cyberchondria, of course, is the rising
23:37trend for people to search their ailments
23:39before they go to the doctors,
23:41or sometimes instead of going to the doctors altogether.
23:43One in 20 Google searches
23:45are health-related.
23:47My search history has a number of grotty symptoms,
23:49rare tropical diseases, and pictures
23:51of other men's penises, for reference.
23:5395% of people,
23:55according to a recent survey,
23:57search their symptoms online.
23:59Any cyberchondriacs are monsters?
24:01Hand up.
24:03Two.
24:05Oh, if I could raise this arm, I would.
24:07You're so good at that, mate.
24:09Sounds like arm disease.
24:11Your arm went up first, Jessie.
24:13Yeah, I'm a big hyperchondriac.
24:15I think that's because my parents are GPs,
24:17so I had, like,
24:19I could just say anything
24:21and they would be like,
24:23yeah, well, that's definitely bad.
24:25Did you
24:27miss a lot of school?
24:29No, no.
24:31If my parents were GPs, I would have doctor's notes every day.
24:33Yeah, yeah.
24:35I'm not allowed to be their patients anymore.
24:37Patient. Me.
24:41Because I'm there too much,
24:43and now I have another GP, a normal GP,
24:45and I, again, I've been kind of
24:47banned from going so much.
24:49I just get very worried about chlamydia.
24:53We've all done that.
24:55I've never had chlamydia, but I
24:57get tested a lot.
25:01Now my GP doesn't let me have
25:03a swab.
25:07So I've had to send away
25:09for swabs, and they're not fun
25:11to do.
25:13Why do you think you've got chlamydia?
25:15She's like, you don't need a swab.
25:17And I'm like, I do!
25:19Expelliarmus!
25:25I've done basically the same kind of
25:27searches.
25:29I thought for a time that I was like
25:31patient zero of the new
25:33gonorrhea chlamydia.
25:35Like super, like with a cape.
25:37I really thought I had it,
25:39because basically, okay, there's a thing
25:41called... I feel like it's my duty
25:43to just inform you that this is being filmed.
25:47We're clean! We're clean!
25:49I thought I
25:51had the new strain of super
25:53chlamydia gonorrhea, because I
25:55had this thing. It's called molluscum.
25:57I'm alone on that,
25:59okay? Not gonna lie,
26:01I kind of wanted one whoop, and
26:03basically, you get
26:05like little pimples around
26:07your dick. It's not a good thing.
26:09But, hold on, let me finish!
26:11But, it's
26:13very common skin disease you get from like
26:15dirty gym wear and stuff.
26:17It's very, very common.
26:21So I thought, oh my god,
26:23I've got whatever it is, and then I googled
26:25I googled
26:27like spots on your dick.
26:29Which is the
26:31worst thing to do.
26:33You know what it looked like? You know when you
26:35go to one of those milkshake places,
26:37and they just say, put whatever toppings you want on.
26:39There was a lot of those on dicks.
26:43And they're fine, are they?
26:45Yeah, they're all good now.
26:47I bet you save a lot of money on ribbed condoms.
26:57I'm sad to say that
26:59you are typical of most men. Most men's
27:01Google searches are penis related.
27:03Here's a study of Google
27:05searches that shows for every 100
27:07questions about penises,
27:09how many were asked about the other parts of the body.
27:11So, heart,
27:13up the top there.
27:15So roughly 67 for every 100
27:17penis searches. The fact that lungs
27:19is two.
27:21I mean, it's a pretty crucial part
27:23of the body, but men are obviously like, well I can't
27:25breathe, but I'll get my dick sorted first.
27:29These are, depressingly, the questions
27:31that men are asking about their penises online.
27:33This is the top
27:35five, according to Google.
27:37Why does my penis hurt?
27:39I mean, to which the only response
27:41is, you tell me.
27:43What have you been doing with it?
27:45And there you will find your answer.
27:47Why does my penis smell?
27:49Because it's got no nose.
27:51Why does my
27:53penis burn? Take it off
27:55the hob.
27:57Why does my penis itch?
27:59And finally, why does my penis get hard?
28:01I honestly
28:03don't remember pointless being like this.
28:07For me, doctors
28:09is like option B.
28:11Online, Googling symptoms is
28:13option A.
28:15Doctors, B. And then C
28:17is like a warm Ribena or something.
28:19I sort of feel like if I'm going to go
28:21to the doctors, I want the doctor to get something out
28:23of it as well. I either want to show them something they've
28:25never seen before, or just
28:27do something that they can tell people
28:29about afterwards. This to me is, if you're going
28:31to go to the doctor, you want to behave like this
28:33guy.
28:35So he's had some ketamine. It's pretty
28:37strong stuff. So he may scream out
28:39in pain, or do any of this stuff.
28:41But he's actually unable to hear what's going on.
28:47Yee-haw!
28:49Oh, yeah.
28:53And it's you. Open your eyes for me.
28:55Feel the burn. Feel the burn.
28:57Good stuff.
28:59I'm
29:01a man!
29:03This is
29:05good.
29:07Yeah!
29:09Whoa!
29:11Go for it!
29:13Yeah!
29:15Excellent!
29:23That's you. You've got your plaster on.
29:25Okay?
29:30That's a man on ketamine.
29:32That's genuinely what that is.
29:34They give him a bit of ket. Oh, really?
29:36Essentially, you've just shown a ketamine advert
29:38on Dave. Yeah, absolutely.
29:40Yeah, if you haven't broken your ankle, it works
29:42the same, apparently, so get some in.
29:44So we're discussing
29:46cyberchondria. Are we relying
29:48too much on the internet to diagnose
29:50our ailments? Should I be doing it more?
29:52What's that lump on my elbow, and should it be
29:54that colour? Well, here to answer at least
29:56one of those questions, please welcome Dr.
29:58Carol Cooper.
30:00APPLAUSE
30:06Nice to meet you, how are you?
30:08Hi, everyone.
30:10So cyberchondria, is it on the right?
30:12Yes, it is. I mean, it's a modern phenomenon.
30:14And I see a lot more people
30:16coming in either with printouts from
30:18the internet or with their smartphones
30:20and sticking their smartphones in my face
30:22and saying, I've got this, I know I've got this.
30:24And how do you feel about that?
30:26It's a great way of
30:28telling me what's on their minds and what
30:30their ideas and concerns and expectations
30:32are. So we can cut to
30:34the chase, and I know they're worried about
30:36that, but they're not usually correct
30:38about the diagnosis, because
30:40if you go and Google something,
30:42you can get, with just a few
30:44strokes of the keyboard,
30:46you can get any disease in the world.
30:48Clean your keyboards.
30:50Yes. All I'd be thinking is,
30:52she just said strokes, that's all I'd be thinking.
30:54Well, yeah, but if you Googled
30:56headache, you would get aneurysm,
30:58you would get strokes, you would get
31:00brain abscess, and then way
31:02down the bottom of the results
31:04you would get maybe tension headache.
31:06Do people usually think there's something worse about them
31:08or not as much as that? Well, yes, they usually
31:10think it's something worse. And that's, I mean, that's
31:12what the glamorous stuff is. That's nice for you, though,
31:14because you're constantly giving people good news.
31:16Yes, this is true.
31:18How do you go about, when you see someone
31:20coming in frequently and they're obviously Googling
31:22things and coming in more... I'm not naming any names,
31:24we might have someone on the panel who...
31:26Maybe they have chlamydia.
31:28Maybe it's chlamydia, we don't know.
31:30Maybe it's someone that has chlamydia.
31:32But the really sad thing about chlamydia is that most of the time it doesn't cause
31:34any symptoms. Thank you!
31:36So...
31:38If you don't have any symptoms,
31:40it's probably chlamydia.
31:42Ha!
31:44Sounds like most people are coming
31:46and they don't have anything, and most of your job
31:48is saying, well, actually, it's not that, it's just
31:50a little bit of this. Yeah, but sometimes they do,
31:52and it's not necessarily what they think
31:54they've got from the Internet.
31:56What are the things they've got that you're like,
31:58I can't believe I've got one of these,
32:00I can't wait to tell everyone.
32:02You must have had something.
32:04Well, they're not usually diagnoses as such,
32:06they're what they've been doing to themselves.
32:08Go on.
32:10Well, yeah, I mean, this patient
32:12came in having
32:14allegedly slipped in the larder
32:16and had this accident
32:18with a sauce bottle.
32:20And the sauce bottle
32:22ended up where the sun don't shine.
32:24Ooh!
32:26I've got to ask, was the lid on?
32:28Well, it wasn't just the lid on.
32:30The reason why we didn't think
32:32this story really fitted together
32:34was that
32:36he had a condom on the bottle of...
32:40Condom and bottle. Safety first!
32:42And in fairness, they call them
32:44condiments, what do they think? Exactly.
32:46APPLAUSE
32:52Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your help.
32:54Dr Carol Cooper! Thank you.
32:56APPLAUSE
33:00So, we're going to log the worry now.
33:02And the worry is, I worry
33:04about my internet search history
33:06and that is a low worry.
33:08I'd still
33:10rather Google all of my symptoms, to be honest,
33:12than have to go into a room full of
33:14potentially sick people, catch something awful,
33:16then look a real doctor in the face,
33:18show them my penis and have them say,
33:20you know what, you're right, it does smell.
33:22So, I'm definitely
33:24assigning cyberchondria as a low worry.
33:26APPLAUSE
33:30Time for a break now, and if you are
33:32going to put a ketchup bottle up your backside,
33:34for God's sake, rub her up,
33:36and we'll see you in a few minutes.
33:38APPLAUSE
33:44APPLAUSE
33:52Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
33:54where tonight we're looking at the world of modern living.
33:56Now it's time to move on
33:58to my most pressing worry, which is a worry
34:00inventing has got out of hand.
34:02I think we're inventing a lot of shit
34:04we don't need. I think
34:06a lot of the blame lies at the door
34:08of Kickstarter and crowdfunding
34:10and those sort of things, where
34:12anyone can put together a half-decent
34:14video to convince people that a product isn't
34:16dog shit. Crowdfunding is
34:18basically Dragon's Den
34:20without the bit where the people who know what they're
34:22talking about say, this will never
34:24work. Every Dragon's Den you go,
34:26well, that's amazing, I will give them a million pounds.
34:28And then they cut them down with four questions
34:30and you go, oh, I'm an idiot, I'd be bankrupt.
34:32LAUGHTER
34:34What do you think this product is?
34:36I'll give you a clue, it's not
34:38for people who have a fetish for having rubbish
34:40dumped on their heads.
34:42Is it a thing to stop sun damage?
34:44I mean, that is a better suggestion of what
34:46this really is. It's called
34:48Pop-Up Theatre.
34:50MUSIC
34:52Hey,
34:54what are you doing here?
34:56Wondering what that was?
34:58That's Pop Theatre, it's your own personal theatre
35:00for watching movies on your mobile device with comfort
35:02and privacy. People go to the theatre not
35:04only to watch the latest movies, but for the
35:06experience that comes with it. Pop Theatre
35:08allows you to get that theatre experience
35:10wherever you are. You can be at the park,
35:12at home, or even at the movies
35:14and still use Pop Theatre as long as you have a place
35:16to lie down. So you can basically
35:18watch Netflix in a field,
35:20that's all it is. Not just a field.
35:22Anywhere. Portable.
35:24On the motorway, if you want to lie on the hard
35:26shoulder and watch a film.
35:28It's a remarkable number
35:30of places that these, and I'm going to call them dickheads,
35:32suggest that you can use this,
35:34and I'm going to say it, piece of shit.
35:36Now I like a balanced debate on this show,
35:38so speaking on behalf of the professional
35:40inventors, please welcome
35:42professional inventor, Mr Colin Furze!
35:44APPLAUSE
35:46APPLAUSE
35:48APPLAUSE
35:50APPLAUSE
35:52So Colin, I've
35:54slagged off your industry, I keep using the phrase
35:56useless invention. Is there such a
35:58thing as a useless invention?
36:00Yes, very much so. I've invented quite
36:02a few of them. I think one of my worst
36:04inventions, because I often get asked this,
36:06was a thing called a tea to me.
36:08And it was basically for
36:10clumsy people while they're at their office
36:12if they accidentally knock their tea over.
36:14So I made this little device which just
36:16moves it away four inches.
36:18LAUGHTER
36:20You'll be sitting there tapping away and you'll think,
36:22I want my tea now, and you flick a switch,
36:24tea to me. Drink in,
36:26put it on, flick the switch,
36:28away it goes, safety.
36:30Can I just say, I'm in.
36:32LAUGHTER
36:34It was one of them brainwave moments, I was like,
36:36this is brilliant. And then you wake it,
36:38you look at it and you're like, maybe not.
36:40Let's have a quick look
36:42while we're discussing tea to me at one of your other
36:44inventions. This is the Travellator staircase.
36:46LAUGHTER
36:48Can I ask, what problem are you solving
36:50there? Right, it's January,
36:52yeah? We've all had the Christmas turkey,
36:54we all want to lose weight. I used to be a plumber,
36:56I always used to go round people's houses,
36:58treadmills, exercise bikes,
37:00in the spare room with washing on them,
37:02sort of thing, so I was like, you need an exercise
37:04piece of equipment that you have to use.
37:06You have to go upstairs. If you want to poo,
37:08you've got to go upstairs. You want to go sleep,
37:10you've got to go upstairs. And how many shits have you
37:12had in your hallway since you've...
37:14LAUGHTER
37:16What is the point in your life at which you think, do you know what,
37:18I'm not just going to think these things, I'm going to make them?
37:22It's just a good laugh, innit?
37:24I don't know, do you know what,
37:26I've not got an answer for that. I've been sat
37:28out there thinking he's going to ask me something like that
37:30and I still don't know.
37:32You can't do a lot worse than that
37:34as an answer. Bit of fun, innit?
37:36Why'd you sit in a cardigan whining about shit?
37:40So I believe you've brought some in, and to prove
37:42the worth of some of them, we're going to go into
37:44my worry lab there, or as I'm about to call it,
37:46my panic room.
37:48Let's go and have a look.
37:50APPLAUSE
37:58So...
38:00LAUGHTER
38:02I mean, if what you've invented
38:04is a spoon for serving trifle,
38:06I'm going to feel that I've overdressed
38:08somewhat.
38:10No, I think you're probably about right,
38:12because of all the things I've made, this is probably the one
38:14that worries me the most, using it.
38:16This is going great, sir, I'm loving this so far.
38:18So can I have you imagine yourself, like,
38:20everyone's into their salad these days,
38:22you'll want to chop your salad up,
38:24so...
38:26I've made this.
38:28Now...
38:30Jesus Christ.
38:32LAUGHTER
38:34Now, this is my spinning belt of knives.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:38I wear it like a belt,
38:40and then a bit like a grass skirt.
38:42I was sort of thinking I would be inside it,
38:44with the knives pointing out,
38:46and you'd be on the other side.
38:48Your insurance people are not happy about that.
38:50LAUGHTER
38:52Right, so essentially,
38:54if I get this out,
38:56so, without cutting myself,
38:58so...
39:00So I'm supposed to say,
39:02don't try this at home.
39:04But let's be honest,
39:06that would just be natural selection,
39:08wouldn't it?
39:10But, you know.
39:12Has there ever been an accident with this?
39:14Yeah, I've...
39:16I did nick myself once,
39:18because my mate was trying to feed
39:20a blow-up doll into them.
39:22LAUGHTER
39:24I was spinning round.
39:26There's a real Beavis and Butthead vibe to this,
39:28that I'm less and less comfortable with.
39:30So we're going to chop some salad.
39:32Can I just say, we already have like a blender
39:34for this sort of stuff?
39:36Yeah, but that's no fun, is it?
39:38When was the last time you looked at a blender
39:40and was like, I want one of them?
39:42You know what?
39:44I like your energy.
39:46LAUGHTER
39:48Do you want to come and have a look at it?
39:50Right, I suppose I'll...
39:52I'll just put my tie in there.
39:54Heaven forbid one of those fucking knives
39:56cuts your tie, mate.
39:58LAUGHTER
40:00There you go.
40:02What do you want first?
40:04You can't not have a cucumber, can you?
40:06LAUGHTER
40:08You can't not have a cucumber, can you?
40:10Right, are you ready?
40:12The ultimate salad chopping machine.
40:14LAUGHTER
40:16What is it?
40:18Oh!
40:20LAUGHTER
40:22CHEERING
40:24APPLAUSE
40:26CHEERING
40:28Come on, let's have some more!
40:30Come on, come on, come on.
40:32APPLAUSE
40:34Yeah!
40:36CHEERING
40:38LAUGHTER
40:40LAUGHTER
40:42LAUGHTER
40:44Salad.
40:46APPLAUSE
40:50Oh, they're going so fast!
40:52LAUGHTER
40:56It does actually make a really good job of it.
40:58I know you're all thinking this is barking mad,
41:00but there's only so many minutes.
41:02I mean, look at that, look.
41:04APPLAUSE
41:08Oh-ho-ho-ho!
41:10APPLAUSE
41:14Oh-ho-ho-ho!
41:18Brian.
41:20I mean, it's a hell of an invention, Colin.
41:22You've nicely got...
41:24APPLAUSE
41:26CHEERING
41:38Take the visor off to eat a piece of cucumber.
41:40LAUGHTER
41:42You can taste the fear.
41:44LAUGHTER
41:46So, it's time to log the worry
41:48that inventing has got out of hand,
41:50and I always have a saying that
41:52any worry you log wearing full Kevlar
41:54has to go in as severe.
41:56So, whilst I enjoyed the salad
41:58and I've enjoyed our time together,
42:00I hope never to repeat this moment,
42:02and inventing getting out of hand
42:04is definitely a severe worry.
42:06Ladies and gentlemen, Colin Firth!
42:08CHEERING
42:12That's it for this week on Ultimate Worryer.
42:14Thanks to my guests, Jessie Cave, Darren Harrier
42:16and Richard Osman!
42:18CHEERING
42:20Tonight, I have learned
42:22that modern life is full of people
42:24called anything but Richard,
42:26googling where all the magicians went
42:28whilst doing unspeakable things
42:30with a bottle of ketchup.
42:32But as long as I can keep them all at bay,
42:34with my belt of knives, I'll be doing just fine.
42:36Goodnight!
42:38CHEERING
42:44MUSIC
42:52WHISTLING
43:02WHISTLING
43:04WHISTLING
43:06WHISTLING
43:08WHISTLING
43:10WHISTLING
43:12WHISTLING
43:14WHISTLING