Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S02 E02. Modern Living.
First broadcast 10th July 2019.
Jon Richardson
Jessie Cave
Darren Harriott
Richard Osman
Carol Cooper
Colin Furze
Jon Richardson
Jessie Cave
Darren Harriott
Richard Osman
Carol Cooper
Colin Furze
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worry,
00:36the show where I discuss all of the world's worries
00:39and file them away neatly for future reference.
00:42The world is a horrible, miserable, desperate place
00:45and our only respite will be booze-induced oblivion
00:48or the blessed release of death.
00:50Welcome to the show!
00:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:55This is my Worry Index.
00:57It's home to millions of worries,
00:59categorised and ranked following decades of thorough analysis.
01:02This week, we'll be looking at some brand-new worries,
01:05all exclusively to do with the theme of...
01:08..modern living.
01:09Coming up tonight, we'll be fretting about search histories,
01:12software updates and shitting in the woods.
01:15Before we move on, please welcome my guests for tonight.
01:18To help me, Jessie Cave, Darren Harriot and Richard Osman!
01:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:26How are you doing?
01:28How are you?
01:30Oh, that's quite a chair, this! Bloody hell!
01:33Riding!
01:35Bloody hell. That is comfortable.
01:37Yeah, we've really developed a couch
01:39that means everyone's first noise on the show is...
01:41Ooh!
01:43Let's kick things off with our first worry of the show.
01:46From you, Darren, do you have a worry from the world of modern living?
01:49Yeah, I worry that we no longer care about magic.
01:56It's that sort of attitude.
01:58That's not fair. That's not fair.
02:00Magic, guys. Remember magic?
02:03Remember how fun... Remember how fun magic...
02:07Yeah, yeah, I remember that.
02:09No-one cares about... Technology has ruined magic.
02:12I so love magic. I'll tell you another thing as well.
02:15You've never seen better reactions towards magic than black people.
02:20OK.
02:22Seriously, if you YouTube black people reacting to magic...
02:26Oh!
02:28Oh!
02:30Oh!
02:32Oh!
02:34It's amazing. I just...
02:36We just don't care about it. I want to learn magic.
02:38I'm at that point where I'm thinking of getting into magic.
02:40Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you love magic this much, you have not yet learned?
02:43No. If I were you, I'd become a magician.
02:46Try and do magic for three-year-old kids.
02:48That's the best magic in the world. They don't know what you're doing.
02:50If you just have a pound coin in your hand, just go,
02:52what's this?
02:54They'll just go, you are kidding me. Where did that come from?
02:57I beg to differ, cos I've been at a party recently for three-year-olds
03:00where there was a kind of actress or so, she did some magic,
03:05and everyone was just very sad by the end of the party.
03:09To be fair, I can't imagine a more pressured gig
03:11than trying to crack out for some magic
03:13for someone who's been in the Harry Potter films.
03:15Surrounded by kids who must think you are a genuine...
03:18I mean, it must be the bane of your life.
03:20Not yet, because my kids have no idea what Harry Potter is,
03:23they just think it's a person that gets referenced all the time.
03:27Oh, there I go, there I go. There you are.
03:29But the older kids at my kids' nursery,
03:32they are, like, prime Harry Potter age group,
03:35and as we go into the nursery every day, they shout at me,
03:38um, Expelliarmus!
03:41And my kids have no idea what that means,
03:44they just think that everyone hates me.
03:48I've never seen Harry Potter before,
03:50but does he do, like, sleight-of-hand stuff?
03:53No, he's not that...
03:55He's not that kind of magician?
03:57He's more like a wizard type of...
03:59Oh! No, I'm not a fan of that.
04:02Who is your favourite magician of all time?
04:04My favourite magician of all... It's got to be, like,
04:06David Copperfield, I think. Copperfield.
04:08Yeah, he used to, like, saw people in half.
04:10Always women as well, which was weird.
04:13It was a different time, Darren.
04:16For me, it's been the big shift in magic.
04:18Away from tricks and towards talking for 50 minutes on telly
04:22before you do what a proper magician would have done
04:25by way of saying hello.
04:27I think magic peaked Paul Daniel's Ball In A Cup.
04:30If you haven't seen it,
04:32this is Paul Daniel's finishing magic for all time.
04:36And the only time you should worry is if I sneak it into my left hand,
04:39cos if the ball's in my left hand, it's in my left hand.
04:41If it's not in my hand, it's under the cup.
04:43If it's under the cup, it's not in my hand at all.
04:45If it's in that hand, it couldn't be in that.
04:47If it's in that, it couldn't be up there.
04:49If it's up there, it couldn't be down there.
04:51If it's in the pocket, it's the same time.
04:53If it's up there, it's under the cup.
04:55If the cup and the ball are separate,
04:57and the cup is empty, it can't have the ball in it.
04:59Got the ball in the cup, it can't be in the pocket.
05:01In the pocket, it can't be in the cup.
05:03If on the other hand, the ball and the cup are together...
05:05You're not following this, are you?
05:07APPLAUSE
05:09Perfect, right?
05:11It's actual magic.
05:13That was his secret.
05:15I sort of like magic, but have you ever been at a wedding
05:17or something where there's a magician
05:19sort of going around the room?
05:21There's no part of me that thinks,
05:23God, I can't wait. All I'm thinking is,
05:25I'm going to have to stop in the middle of a story
05:27and pretend to be impressed by a virgin.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:31I mean, here's my perfect...
05:33If I were doing that at a function, this to me...
05:35See if you get as excited about this trick, Darren.
05:37So this is an ordinary deck of cards.
05:39I've got a card, yeah. You've got to talk me through it.
05:41You've got to talk about it. Do some Paul Daniels stuff.
05:43Paul Daniels, yeah, you've got to really sell it.
05:45If the cards are in the hand, then the cards can't be up my arse.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:49Right. Ordinary deck of cards. There, you can see that.
05:51Ordinary deck of cards.
05:53Right, do you want to pick a card?
05:55Oh, my goodness.
05:57Show that to Jessie and Richard.
05:59OK. Now pass it to me.
06:01Oh, my God. Is that your card? Yeah.
06:03Enjoy your dinner.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:07See what's there?
06:09You're going to love the warrior.
06:11I'm just going to grab my pen just to make some notes.
06:15Oh! What?!
06:17That's going to be so good.
06:19That was great.
06:21That was mind-blowing. You're welcome.
06:23I thought you were going to throw it and then you didn't throw it,
06:25it stayed in your ear.
06:27Honestly, I was looking at you and I went,
06:29why was he going to throw it and you didn't throw it?
06:31And then where was it?
06:33Are you sure you're not a labrador?
06:35LAUGHTER
06:39So, Darren, we're going to log your worry,
06:41and the worry is our worry there's no place for magic
06:43in the modern world, and that is a moderate worry.
06:45And that's credit to you, Darren,
06:47because that was a low worry as far as I'm concerned,
06:49but the joy that I've seen removed from your life
06:51at the absence of magic
06:53means you've argued that up to a moderate worry.
06:55Thank you.
06:57APPLAUSE
07:01Richard, do you have a worry from our worry index?
07:03I worry that the world is running out of Richards.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:09Quite a selfish worry.
07:11No, because I include a number of other people in that.
07:13I include the Richards of this world,
07:15I include the Johns of this world, the Darrens of this world.
07:17Yeah, well, you've got, like, lots of famous Richards.
07:19Me?
07:21Yeah, Burton, Ashcroft, the Third.
07:23Look at me!
07:25LAUGHTER
07:27I've got Darren Day and Darren from Hollyoaks.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31Who was Darren from Hollyoaks?
07:33LAUGHTER
07:35Let's give you some Richard stats.
07:37Oh, lovely.
07:39So, 200 years ago, Richard was the most popular name in the country.
07:41No way.
07:43And at that time, we were knocking out 2,400 Richards a year at that point.
07:45You're kidding me.
07:47Last year, not in the top 100.
07:49Not nowadays.
07:51New babies now are being called, like, hashtag.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:57Top five boys' names, Oliver, Harry, Jack, George, Noah.
07:59Noah.
08:01Noah.
08:03Noah.
08:05Noah.
08:07This feels like we're in a musical all of a sudden.
08:09Yes, Noah!
08:11But one of us doesn't have this problem.
08:13One of us has a name in the top 100 names.
08:15Jessica.
08:1715th.
08:19Oh, very.
08:21You staying in the Premier League?
08:23I didn't like...
08:25I tried to change my name when I was 15 to Destiny.
08:27And I'm glad.
08:29Why Destiny?
08:31Just cos, like, people call me Jess quite a lot and I don't like Jess.
08:33But then they call you Des.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:37I think Destiny, people would just...
08:39It's a lovely word to say.
08:41Destiny Cave?
08:43Destiny Cave.
08:45It's like an afternoon drama.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:49It's like a Jamaican holiday resort.
08:51I wasn't allowed.
08:53You can sort of do that.
08:55I was Jon-Jo for a lot of years.
08:57And then one day I just said,
08:59can the Jon-Jo shit, guys?
09:01LAUGHTER
09:03I think I was wearing a smoking jacket at the time.
09:05LAUGHTER
09:07And I just said, you know what, it's Jon from now on.
09:09Don't like Jon-Jo, it's babyish.
09:11And I think that was a sign of the prick I would become.
09:15LAUGHTER
09:17We all love a greff.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:21I don't even have the reach to get that to its full extent.
09:23I've got a graph here of Richards throughout the ages.
09:25OK.
09:27So we're starting in 1905, so this is a century of Richards,
09:29and we're watching fairly decent fluctuation there.
09:31You were born 1970? 1970.
09:33So we're looking at 70 there.
09:35Pretty good.
09:37You were born at peak Richard.
09:39Can I just say, in 1970, when I was called Richard,
09:41my mum obviously called me Richard,
09:43she said, that name is future-proof.
09:45She said, that name...
09:47LAUGHTER
09:49That name will never go out of fashion.
09:51I love my mum, but further evidence
09:53she's a fucking idiot.
09:55LAUGHTER
09:57Let's have a look at the Richards.
09:59So 1970, you're born.
10:01We're stopping about 1985,
10:03which is about when you went pubic, I reckon, and started...
10:05LAUGHTER
10:07I was about 6'4".
10:09This is about when our Richard started hitting the dating scene,
10:11and let's look at what happened to the Richards.
10:13Yeah.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:17Have you guys had, like, bad press?
10:19Yeah.
10:21Has there been a lot of Richard serial killers?
10:23Not that we know about.
10:25Keep it light, mate.
10:27LAUGHTER
10:29No, listen, Richard, the name is shortened
10:31to Dick, and people don't like that.
10:33People don't like Dick, John.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:37So let's find out where we can attribute the blame.
10:39Let's look at your prominent Richards.
10:41So we have, of course, we've got our very own Richard Osman.
10:43Hello.
10:45You would count as a prominent Richard.
10:47Good guy.
10:49Richard Branson, your big Richards.
10:51And, of course, you've got Hammond.
10:53So let's put the four of them together...
10:55Uh-oh.
10:57..and see if we can work out
10:59why people aren't calling their kids Richards.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:03Let's just hammer out what the bloody hell is going on.
11:05Who have you...
11:07Just out of interest, who have you got a particular problem with
11:09on that board?
11:11LAUGHTER
11:13I'd probably rank them in order of devastating effect
11:15on the Richards of our time.
11:17Hammond, Branson,
11:19Maidley, Osman.
11:21OK. I think you're the least offensive.
11:23And don't get me wrong, I think you're an arsehole.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:27Not saying that.
11:29But I think you're the least offensive on that board.
11:31Let's look at your prominent Johns.
11:33Yeah. Richardson. Look at that picture.
11:35Hello. Hey, hey, hey.
11:37Someone's on Tinder.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:41Little bit of chest hair as well.
11:43Look at you.
11:45I realise that I did not
11:47sanction which picture of me we used.
11:49LAUGHTER
11:51Let's swipe that one left. You've got your
11:53Jon Snow. OK.
11:55I did sort of mean
11:57the Jon Snow from Game Of Thrones, but...
11:59LAUGHTER
12:01I'll take that one. Jon Hamm, of course. Oh, yeah.
12:03Very handsome, prominent Jon. Yeah.
12:05J-O-N. And, of course, the Jon of all Jons.
12:07Jon Bon Jovi.
12:09LAUGHTER
12:11Shut to the heart
12:13and you're to blame.
12:15You give Jon
12:17a good name.
12:19LAUGHTER
12:21APPLAUSE
12:25So, let's log this worry.
12:27I worry we're running out
12:29of Richards, and clearly
12:31that is a low worry.
12:33Purely because having a name that
12:35not a lot of people have anymore is a good thing.
12:37I'm constantly hearing people in the street shout,
12:39Jon! And I go, oh, another one.
12:41Oh, OK. You know what?
12:43Call your next child Adolf. Go on. Go ahead.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:47They probably won't do that.
12:49LAUGHTER
12:51Richards. And the lack of them
12:53is a low worry.
12:55APPLAUSE
12:57That's it for part one.
12:59See you in a bit.
13:01APPLAUSE
13:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:15Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
13:17where tonight we're looking at the world of modern living.
13:19Now, each show,
13:21one of our guests carries out some extra research
13:23on one of their worries,
13:25and this week that person is Jessie Cave.
13:27So, Jessie, what is your worry in the world of modern living?
13:29My worry is that
13:31I can't live without
13:33my home comforts.
13:35What sort of home comforts are we talking?
13:37Wi-Fi. Lots of Wi-Fi.
13:39That's me.
13:41So, Netflix,
13:43all of the other
13:45TV-watching devices.
13:47And you drew this for us? Yeah.
13:49It's awful, so let's just stop looking at it.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:53Anyway, yeah, so I think I'm incredibly reliant
13:55on the internet.
13:57And it's something you'd like to get away from?
13:59I'm really worried about the impact it's having on my kids.
14:01And I worry that it's affecting their brains
14:03and it's affecting my happiness.
14:05I mean, that's probably quite clear.
14:09Is this ringing any bells?
14:11Yeah, as addicted as you're going to get.
14:13Even now, I'm thinking about my phone.
14:15Where is it?
14:17Yeah, what's it doing?
14:19Can I like a picture or not?
14:21What can I do?
14:23I take it in the bathroom with me.
14:25I'll answer phones on the toilet, guys.
14:27Never FaceTime,
14:29but I'll answer a call.
14:31I'm one of those.
14:33Are you in control of your sort of home comfort need?
14:35I grew up in the 1970s,
14:37where we had nothing at all.
14:39Honestly, in the 1970s,
14:41when they brought out SodaStream,
14:43everyone was like,
14:45oh, my God, a SodaStream!
14:47So I remember a time before we had
14:49every bit of information in the world
14:51on the small thing in our pocket,
14:53so I'm very happy to have it.
14:55You grew up without technology, so you don't really need it.
14:57You're saying you're fully addicted.
14:59So to help you in your quest to step away,
15:01I'm going to introduce you to me,
15:03a woman who has absolutely stepped away from all technology,
15:05a woman called Emma Orbach.
15:07This is Emma here.
15:09Tell us everything we can't already guess from that picture.
15:11So Emma lives without any technology.
15:13She's lived without electricity
15:15for over 20 years.
15:17Basically, she doesn't need anything.
15:19I'll be honest, there's a limit
15:21to sort of how hard I'm willing for my life to be,
15:23but I'm going into this open-minded
15:25and I'm willing to be swayed.
15:27Let's have a look.
15:31Hi.
15:33Hello.
15:35I'm Jessie. I'm Emma.
15:37Nice to meet you.
15:39Would you like to come and see where I live?
15:41Yes, please.
15:45So this is where I live.
15:47Oh, wow.
15:49What is this material here?
15:51The walls are made of plaster,
15:53which is my own secret recipe.
15:55Horseshit and mud, actually.
15:57Did you have to use horseshit?
15:59I use what I've got lying around.
16:01So you've lived here for how long exactly?
16:03In this one, I've lived here
16:05for about four or five years.
16:07My old one burnt down, so I had to build another one.
16:09How did it burn down?
16:11A fire, you know.
16:13So on a typical day,
16:15I rely on
16:17coffee,
16:19television,
16:21my phone,
16:23Netflix, Instagram, Twitter,
16:25Wikipedia.
16:27What do you rely on?
16:29I rely on really nice, fresh spring water,
16:31peace and quiet,
16:33the sound of the wind and the trees.
16:35Well, there's lots of things.
16:37Is there any technology
16:39that you would let back into your life
16:41if it just made something in particular
16:43just a bit easier?
16:45Have you ever thought,
16:47oh, fuck it, I just really want a George Foreman grill?
16:49I don't know what a George Foreman grill is.
16:51I've got a wheelbarrow.
16:53That's really quite a lot of technology,
16:55yeah, wheelbarrows.
16:59So, Emma, you've been living here
17:01for about 20 years now,
17:03and so I thought it'd be nice to bring you up to speed
17:05on some of the most important things that have happened.
17:07So we all watch TV
17:09on our phones now.
17:11Our fridges are smart, our watches are smart,
17:13everything is smart.
17:15So that means you've got that energy all around you.
17:17Yeah, but you also know when you're out of butter.
17:19But I know when I'm out of butter.
17:21You do, yes.
17:23There's a thing called Fitbit.
17:25They tell you how many steps you have to walk
17:27until someone loves you again.
17:29There's a thing called The Cloud,
17:31and everyone stores all of their virtual belongings
17:33on The Cloud, but it's mainly pictures of...
17:35balls.
17:37So I think that's about everything.
17:39Do you feel like you're up to speed now?
17:41I feel really happy to have missed all of that.
17:43OK, good.
17:49It feels like there was a slide-indoors moment
17:51where you were about to get to tell her
17:53what a George Foreman grill was,
17:55and there's a danger she'd have gone,
17:57I've made a terrible mistake.
17:59I felt so calm
18:01afterwards, and then on the train back
18:03I didn't look at my phone once.
18:05And it's now about two weeks later
18:07and I'm even worse
18:09than I was before.
18:11So it didn't last that long.
18:13Imagine if when you left, she just
18:15pulled out her laptop.
18:17Sort of slagging you off
18:19on Twitter.
18:23Where did she go to the toilet?
18:25So, the toilet is
18:27a really cool, it's like
18:29up some steps, and she's built it.
18:31A compost toilet. Did she give you a tour?
18:33Yeah, she did. Here we go.
18:37OK, so here
18:39we have one of the luxury compost
18:41toilets, and then you have this fantastic
18:43view.
18:45This is the most unique toilet I've ever seen.
18:47It's very peaceful.
18:49So, what happens
18:51when you have to go in the night? Could you go with an owl
18:53watching you? Well, why not?
18:55Animals don't get all self-conscious
18:57if they're having a poo. It's a perfectly natural
18:59event as well. I've seen a couple of cats
19:01that get very self-conscious.
19:05Here we have another of the
19:07luxury facilities. This is the bath.
19:09How often do you have a bath, then?
19:11I don't think
19:13I had one this winter. I'm trying to
19:15remember.
19:17You fill it up with cold water
19:19and then light the fire underneath there.
19:21And again, you're not worried about the
19:23bath becoming a fire?
19:25Water doesn't normally catch fire. Oh yeah, that's true.
19:31So, this is
19:33the sauna. It's so big.
19:35And this is a nice,
19:37simple way of
19:39maybe eight or nine people getting
19:41really hot and clean and
19:43having a nice time. Just because
19:45I'm a bit Flintstones, it doesn't mean I can't
19:47have a few luxuries.
19:53Move into the fucking
19:55sauna, mate.
19:57The sauna's lovely. Yeah, it was so nice.
19:59Is anyone willing to
20:01submit to that lifestyle to get away from their home comforts?
20:03Oh yeah, I'd love to
20:05live in the woods if I was a cartoon bear.
20:09I think I would like to do it like one day a week.
20:11Yeah, a day when nothing's really happening.
20:13Sunday. A Sunday. Go there with a hangover.
20:15A day when I don't need a poo.
20:19It seems that the technology
20:21we've all said we'd miss the most is the phone.
20:23That's the thing you said that you got back and then, if anything,
20:25you've used your phone more. Well, what you can do
20:27is there's an app now on the phone
20:29called Screen Time, where you can have a look
20:31at precisely how much time you're spending
20:33on your phone. When you arrived, we asked if
20:35we could have a look at your screen time.
20:37Two of you, Jesse and
20:39Richard. You've disabled this app.
20:41Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course
20:43you disable it. Of course. I think the answer to why
20:45you've disabled it might become apparent if we have a look
20:47at the stats. So let's have a look at the results,
20:49me and Darren on Screen Time.
20:5123 hours,
20:5322 minutes. This is in a week.
20:55Oh, I was going to say, that is
20:57a busy day.
20:59I put aside 38 minutes
21:01for a nap.
21:03Let's have a look at Darren.
21:05Oh!
21:07There's nothing
21:09else other than sleep in that time.
21:11Look, I'm starting
21:13to think this is like an intervention.
21:17I'm a big fan of seeing people
21:19open presents online. It's basically like
21:21a Young Deal or No Deal
21:23every day. It's fun.
21:25But most of it is YouTube,
21:27which, in my defence, means it's not porn,
21:29because you can't watch porn on YouTube.
21:31In case you're thinking dirty thoughts,
21:33it's nothing dirty, it's just me watching kids
21:35open up boxes.
21:45Some of the things you can do in 116 hours and 51 minutes.
21:47You could have travelled to New York
21:49and back eight times.
21:51You could have watched
21:5377.3 football matches.
21:55You could have taxidermied
21:57three and a half bears.
21:59I bet you're regretting that phone time
22:01now, right?
22:03So, Jessie, we're going to log that worry,
22:05and the worry is, I worry I can't live without
22:07my home comforts, and no doubt about it,
22:09that is a severe worry,
22:11because whilst you've been talking,
22:13I've realised that I absolutely
22:15cannot live without any of my home comforts,
22:17but depressingly, I can live
22:19without a large number of the people in my life.
22:21So that is a severe worry.
22:23Thank you, Jessie.
22:26And there it goes.
22:28Underneath, humblebrags there.
22:30I can't stand people who humblebrag.
22:32I try not to, but I did get
22:34picked up on it recently, and embarrassingly,
22:36it was by my best friend, Taylor Swift.
22:38Now, let's take a break,
22:40and after that, we'll be looking at my
22:42first worry of the night, which is,
22:44I worry about my
22:46internet search history.
22:49Am I a sex pest?
22:51Find out after the break.
22:55Coming up on Ultimate Worryer.
22:59You can taste the fear.
23:11Welcome back to Ultimate Worryer,
23:13where tonight we're looking at worries
23:15exclusively to do with the world of modern living.
23:17Now, before the break, I revealed
23:19our next worry of the night.
23:21I worry about my internet search history.
23:23Now, of course, I'm talking about
23:25the rise of cyberchondria.
23:27But you all thought it was something naughty, didn't you?
23:29Stripped you there, and now you're hooked.
23:31That's my work done.
23:35Cyberchondria, of course, is the rising
23:37trend for people to search their ailments
23:39before they go to the doctors,
23:41or sometimes instead of going to the doctors altogether.
23:43One in 20 Google searches
23:45are health-related.
23:47My search history has a number of grotty symptoms,
23:49rare tropical diseases, and pictures
23:51of other men's penises, for reference.
23:5395% of people,
23:55according to a recent survey,
23:57search their symptoms online.
23:59Any cyberchondriacs are monsters?
24:01Hand up.
24:03Two.
24:05Oh, if I could raise this arm, I would.
24:07You're so good at that, mate.
24:09Sounds like arm disease.
24:11Your arm went up first, Jessie.
24:13Yeah, I'm a big hyperchondriac.
24:15I think that's because my parents are GPs,
24:17so I had, like,
24:19I could just say anything
24:21and they would be like,
24:23yeah, well, that's definitely bad.
24:25Did you
24:27miss a lot of school?
24:29No, no.
24:31If my parents were GPs, I would have doctor's notes every day.
24:33Yeah, yeah.
24:35I'm not allowed to be their patients anymore.
24:37Patient. Me.
24:41Because I'm there too much,
24:43and now I have another GP, a normal GP,
24:45and I, again, I've been kind of
24:47banned from going so much.
24:49I just get very worried about chlamydia.
24:53We've all done that.
24:55I've never had chlamydia, but I
24:57get tested a lot.
25:01Now my GP doesn't let me have
25:03a swab.
25:07So I've had to send away
25:09for swabs, and they're not fun
25:11to do.
25:13Why do you think you've got chlamydia?
25:15She's like, you don't need a swab.
25:17And I'm like, I do!
25:19Expelliarmus!
25:25I've done basically the same kind of
25:27searches.
25:29I thought for a time that I was like
25:31patient zero of the new
25:33gonorrhea chlamydia.
25:35Like super, like with a cape.
25:37I really thought I had it,
25:39because basically, okay, there's a thing
25:41called... I feel like it's my duty
25:43to just inform you that this is being filmed.
25:47We're clean! We're clean!
25:49I thought I
25:51had the new strain of super
25:53chlamydia gonorrhea, because I
25:55had this thing. It's called molluscum.
25:57I'm alone on that,
25:59okay? Not gonna lie,
26:01I kind of wanted one whoop, and
26:03basically, you get
26:05like little pimples around
26:07your dick. It's not a good thing.
26:09But, hold on, let me finish!
26:11But, it's
26:13very common skin disease you get from like
26:15dirty gym wear and stuff.
26:17It's very, very common.
26:21So I thought, oh my god,
26:23I've got whatever it is, and then I googled
26:25I googled
26:27like spots on your dick.
26:29Which is the
26:31worst thing to do.
26:33You know what it looked like? You know when you
26:35go to one of those milkshake places,
26:37and they just say, put whatever toppings you want on.
26:39There was a lot of those on dicks.
26:43And they're fine, are they?
26:45Yeah, they're all good now.
26:47I bet you save a lot of money on ribbed condoms.
26:57I'm sad to say that
26:59you are typical of most men. Most men's
27:01Google searches are penis related.
27:03Here's a study of Google
27:05searches that shows for every 100
27:07questions about penises,
27:09how many were asked about the other parts of the body.
27:11So, heart,
27:13up the top there.
27:15So roughly 67 for every 100
27:17penis searches. The fact that lungs
27:19is two.
27:21I mean, it's a pretty crucial part
27:23of the body, but men are obviously like, well I can't
27:25breathe, but I'll get my dick sorted first.
27:29These are, depressingly, the questions
27:31that men are asking about their penises online.
27:33This is the top
27:35five, according to Google.
27:37Why does my penis hurt?
27:39I mean, to which the only response
27:41is, you tell me.
27:43What have you been doing with it?
27:45And there you will find your answer.
27:47Why does my penis smell?
27:49Because it's got no nose.
27:51Why does my
27:53penis burn? Take it off
27:55the hob.
27:57Why does my penis itch?
27:59And finally, why does my penis get hard?
28:01I honestly
28:03don't remember pointless being like this.
28:07For me, doctors
28:09is like option B.
28:11Online, Googling symptoms is
28:13option A.
28:15Doctors, B. And then C
28:17is like a warm Ribena or something.
28:19I sort of feel like if I'm going to go
28:21to the doctors, I want the doctor to get something out
28:23of it as well. I either want to show them something they've
28:25never seen before, or just
28:27do something that they can tell people
28:29about afterwards. This to me is, if you're going
28:31to go to the doctor, you want to behave like this
28:33guy.
28:35So he's had some ketamine. It's pretty
28:37strong stuff. So he may scream out
28:39in pain, or do any of this stuff.
28:41But he's actually unable to hear what's going on.
28:47Yee-haw!
28:49Oh, yeah.
28:53And it's you. Open your eyes for me.
28:55Feel the burn. Feel the burn.
28:57Good stuff.
28:59I'm
29:01a man!
29:03This is
29:05good.
29:07Yeah!
29:09Whoa!
29:11Go for it!
29:13Yeah!
29:15Excellent!
29:23That's you. You've got your plaster on.
29:25Okay?
29:30That's a man on ketamine.
29:32That's genuinely what that is.
29:34They give him a bit of ket. Oh, really?
29:36Essentially, you've just shown a ketamine advert
29:38on Dave. Yeah, absolutely.
29:40Yeah, if you haven't broken your ankle, it works
29:42the same, apparently, so get some in.
29:44So we're discussing
29:46cyberchondria. Are we relying
29:48too much on the internet to diagnose
29:50our ailments? Should I be doing it more?
29:52What's that lump on my elbow, and should it be
29:54that colour? Well, here to answer at least
29:56one of those questions, please welcome Dr.
29:58Carol Cooper.
30:00APPLAUSE
30:06Nice to meet you, how are you?
30:08Hi, everyone.
30:10So cyberchondria, is it on the right?
30:12Yes, it is. I mean, it's a modern phenomenon.
30:14And I see a lot more people
30:16coming in either with printouts from
30:18the internet or with their smartphones
30:20and sticking their smartphones in my face
30:22and saying, I've got this, I know I've got this.
30:24And how do you feel about that?
30:26It's a great way of
30:28telling me what's on their minds and what
30:30their ideas and concerns and expectations
30:32are. So we can cut to
30:34the chase, and I know they're worried about
30:36that, but they're not usually correct
30:38about the diagnosis, because
30:40if you go and Google something,
30:42you can get, with just a few
30:44strokes of the keyboard,
30:46you can get any disease in the world.
30:48Clean your keyboards.
30:50Yes. All I'd be thinking is,
30:52she just said strokes, that's all I'd be thinking.
30:54Well, yeah, but if you Googled
30:56headache, you would get aneurysm,
30:58you would get strokes, you would get
31:00brain abscess, and then way
31:02down the bottom of the results
31:04you would get maybe tension headache.
31:06Do people usually think there's something worse about them
31:08or not as much as that? Well, yes, they usually
31:10think it's something worse. And that's, I mean, that's
31:12what the glamorous stuff is. That's nice for you, though,
31:14because you're constantly giving people good news.
31:16Yes, this is true.
31:18How do you go about, when you see someone
31:20coming in frequently and they're obviously Googling
31:22things and coming in more... I'm not naming any names,
31:24we might have someone on the panel who...
31:26Maybe they have chlamydia.
31:28Maybe it's chlamydia, we don't know.
31:30Maybe it's someone that has chlamydia.
31:32But the really sad thing about chlamydia is that most of the time it doesn't cause
31:34any symptoms. Thank you!
31:36So...
31:38If you don't have any symptoms,
31:40it's probably chlamydia.
31:42Ha!
31:44Sounds like most people are coming
31:46and they don't have anything, and most of your job
31:48is saying, well, actually, it's not that, it's just
31:50a little bit of this. Yeah, but sometimes they do,
31:52and it's not necessarily what they think
31:54they've got from the Internet.
31:56What are the things they've got that you're like,
31:58I can't believe I've got one of these,
32:00I can't wait to tell everyone.
32:02You must have had something.
32:04Well, they're not usually diagnoses as such,
32:06they're what they've been doing to themselves.
32:08Go on.
32:10Well, yeah, I mean, this patient
32:12came in having
32:14allegedly slipped in the larder
32:16and had this accident
32:18with a sauce bottle.
32:20And the sauce bottle
32:22ended up where the sun don't shine.
32:24Ooh!
32:26I've got to ask, was the lid on?
32:28Well, it wasn't just the lid on.
32:30The reason why we didn't think
32:32this story really fitted together
32:34was that
32:36he had a condom on the bottle of...
32:40Condom and bottle. Safety first!
32:42And in fairness, they call them
32:44condiments, what do they think? Exactly.
32:46APPLAUSE
32:52Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your help.
32:54Dr Carol Cooper! Thank you.
32:56APPLAUSE
33:00So, we're going to log the worry now.
33:02And the worry is, I worry
33:04about my internet search history
33:06and that is a low worry.
33:08I'd still
33:10rather Google all of my symptoms, to be honest,
33:12than have to go into a room full of
33:14potentially sick people, catch something awful,
33:16then look a real doctor in the face,
33:18show them my penis and have them say,
33:20you know what, you're right, it does smell.
33:22So, I'm definitely
33:24assigning cyberchondria as a low worry.
33:26APPLAUSE
33:30Time for a break now, and if you are
33:32going to put a ketchup bottle up your backside,
33:34for God's sake, rub her up,
33:36and we'll see you in a few minutes.
33:38APPLAUSE
33:44APPLAUSE
33:52Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
33:54where tonight we're looking at the world of modern living.
33:56Now it's time to move on
33:58to my most pressing worry, which is a worry
34:00inventing has got out of hand.
34:02I think we're inventing a lot of shit
34:04we don't need. I think
34:06a lot of the blame lies at the door
34:08of Kickstarter and crowdfunding
34:10and those sort of things, where
34:12anyone can put together a half-decent
34:14video to convince people that a product isn't
34:16dog shit. Crowdfunding is
34:18basically Dragon's Den
34:20without the bit where the people who know what they're
34:22talking about say, this will never
34:24work. Every Dragon's Den you go,
34:26well, that's amazing, I will give them a million pounds.
34:28And then they cut them down with four questions
34:30and you go, oh, I'm an idiot, I'd be bankrupt.
34:32LAUGHTER
34:34What do you think this product is?
34:36I'll give you a clue, it's not
34:38for people who have a fetish for having rubbish
34:40dumped on their heads.
34:42Is it a thing to stop sun damage?
34:44I mean, that is a better suggestion of what
34:46this really is. It's called
34:48Pop-Up Theatre.
34:50MUSIC
34:52Hey,
34:54what are you doing here?
34:56Wondering what that was?
34:58That's Pop Theatre, it's your own personal theatre
35:00for watching movies on your mobile device with comfort
35:02and privacy. People go to the theatre not
35:04only to watch the latest movies, but for the
35:06experience that comes with it. Pop Theatre
35:08allows you to get that theatre experience
35:10wherever you are. You can be at the park,
35:12at home, or even at the movies
35:14and still use Pop Theatre as long as you have a place
35:16to lie down. So you can basically
35:18watch Netflix in a field,
35:20that's all it is. Not just a field.
35:22Anywhere. Portable.
35:24On the motorway, if you want to lie on the hard
35:26shoulder and watch a film.
35:28It's a remarkable number
35:30of places that these, and I'm going to call them dickheads,
35:32suggest that you can use this,
35:34and I'm going to say it, piece of shit.
35:36Now I like a balanced debate on this show,
35:38so speaking on behalf of the professional
35:40inventors, please welcome
35:42professional inventor, Mr Colin Furze!
35:44APPLAUSE
35:46APPLAUSE
35:48APPLAUSE
35:50APPLAUSE
35:52So Colin, I've
35:54slagged off your industry, I keep using the phrase
35:56useless invention. Is there such a
35:58thing as a useless invention?
36:00Yes, very much so. I've invented quite
36:02a few of them. I think one of my worst
36:04inventions, because I often get asked this,
36:06was a thing called a tea to me.
36:08And it was basically for
36:10clumsy people while they're at their office
36:12if they accidentally knock their tea over.
36:14So I made this little device which just
36:16moves it away four inches.
36:18LAUGHTER
36:20You'll be sitting there tapping away and you'll think,
36:22I want my tea now, and you flick a switch,
36:24tea to me. Drink in,
36:26put it on, flick the switch,
36:28away it goes, safety.
36:30Can I just say, I'm in.
36:32LAUGHTER
36:34It was one of them brainwave moments, I was like,
36:36this is brilliant. And then you wake it,
36:38you look at it and you're like, maybe not.
36:40Let's have a quick look
36:42while we're discussing tea to me at one of your other
36:44inventions. This is the Travellator staircase.
36:46LAUGHTER
36:48Can I ask, what problem are you solving
36:50there? Right, it's January,
36:52yeah? We've all had the Christmas turkey,
36:54we all want to lose weight. I used to be a plumber,
36:56I always used to go round people's houses,
36:58treadmills, exercise bikes,
37:00in the spare room with washing on them,
37:02sort of thing, so I was like, you need an exercise
37:04piece of equipment that you have to use.
37:06You have to go upstairs. If you want to poo,
37:08you've got to go upstairs. You want to go sleep,
37:10you've got to go upstairs. And how many shits have you
37:12had in your hallway since you've...
37:14LAUGHTER
37:16What is the point in your life at which you think, do you know what,
37:18I'm not just going to think these things, I'm going to make them?
37:22It's just a good laugh, innit?
37:24I don't know, do you know what,
37:26I've not got an answer for that. I've been sat
37:28out there thinking he's going to ask me something like that
37:30and I still don't know.
37:32You can't do a lot worse than that
37:34as an answer. Bit of fun, innit?
37:36Why'd you sit in a cardigan whining about shit?
37:40So I believe you've brought some in, and to prove
37:42the worth of some of them, we're going to go into
37:44my worry lab there, or as I'm about to call it,
37:46my panic room.
37:48Let's go and have a look.
37:50APPLAUSE
37:58So...
38:00LAUGHTER
38:02I mean, if what you've invented
38:04is a spoon for serving trifle,
38:06I'm going to feel that I've overdressed
38:08somewhat.
38:10No, I think you're probably about right,
38:12because of all the things I've made, this is probably the one
38:14that worries me the most, using it.
38:16This is going great, sir, I'm loving this so far.
38:18So can I have you imagine yourself, like,
38:20everyone's into their salad these days,
38:22you'll want to chop your salad up,
38:24so...
38:26I've made this.
38:28Now...
38:30Jesus Christ.
38:32LAUGHTER
38:34Now, this is my spinning belt of knives.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:38I wear it like a belt,
38:40and then a bit like a grass skirt.
38:42I was sort of thinking I would be inside it,
38:44with the knives pointing out,
38:46and you'd be on the other side.
38:48Your insurance people are not happy about that.
38:50LAUGHTER
38:52Right, so essentially,
38:54if I get this out,
38:56so, without cutting myself,
38:58so...
39:00So I'm supposed to say,
39:02don't try this at home.
39:04But let's be honest,
39:06that would just be natural selection,
39:08wouldn't it?
39:10But, you know.
39:12Has there ever been an accident with this?
39:14Yeah, I've...
39:16I did nick myself once,
39:18because my mate was trying to feed
39:20a blow-up doll into them.
39:22LAUGHTER
39:24I was spinning round.
39:26There's a real Beavis and Butthead vibe to this,
39:28that I'm less and less comfortable with.
39:30So we're going to chop some salad.
39:32Can I just say, we already have like a blender
39:34for this sort of stuff?
39:36Yeah, but that's no fun, is it?
39:38When was the last time you looked at a blender
39:40and was like, I want one of them?
39:42You know what?
39:44I like your energy.
39:46LAUGHTER
39:48Do you want to come and have a look at it?
39:50Right, I suppose I'll...
39:52I'll just put my tie in there.
39:54Heaven forbid one of those fucking knives
39:56cuts your tie, mate.
39:58LAUGHTER
40:00There you go.
40:02What do you want first?
40:04You can't not have a cucumber, can you?
40:06LAUGHTER
40:08You can't not have a cucumber, can you?
40:10Right, are you ready?
40:12The ultimate salad chopping machine.
40:14LAUGHTER
40:16What is it?
40:18Oh!
40:20LAUGHTER
40:22CHEERING
40:24APPLAUSE
40:26CHEERING
40:28Come on, let's have some more!
40:30Come on, come on, come on.
40:32APPLAUSE
40:34Yeah!
40:36CHEERING
40:38LAUGHTER
40:40LAUGHTER
40:42LAUGHTER
40:44Salad.
40:46APPLAUSE
40:50Oh, they're going so fast!
40:52LAUGHTER
40:56It does actually make a really good job of it.
40:58I know you're all thinking this is barking mad,
41:00but there's only so many minutes.
41:02I mean, look at that, look.
41:04APPLAUSE
41:08Oh-ho-ho-ho!
41:10APPLAUSE
41:14Oh-ho-ho-ho!
41:18Brian.
41:20I mean, it's a hell of an invention, Colin.
41:22You've nicely got...
41:24APPLAUSE
41:26CHEERING
41:38Take the visor off to eat a piece of cucumber.
41:40LAUGHTER
41:42You can taste the fear.
41:44LAUGHTER
41:46So, it's time to log the worry
41:48that inventing has got out of hand,
41:50and I always have a saying that
41:52any worry you log wearing full Kevlar
41:54has to go in as severe.
41:56So, whilst I enjoyed the salad
41:58and I've enjoyed our time together,
42:00I hope never to repeat this moment,
42:02and inventing getting out of hand
42:04is definitely a severe worry.
42:06Ladies and gentlemen, Colin Firth!
42:08CHEERING
42:12That's it for this week on Ultimate Worryer.
42:14Thanks to my guests, Jessie Cave, Darren Harrier
42:16and Richard Osman!
42:18CHEERING
42:20Tonight, I have learned
42:22that modern life is full of people
42:24called anything but Richard,
42:26googling where all the magicians went
42:28whilst doing unspeakable things
42:30with a bottle of ketchup.
42:32But as long as I can keep them all at bay,
42:34with my belt of knives, I'll be doing just fine.
42:36Goodnight!
42:38CHEERING
42:44MUSIC
42:52WHISTLING
43:02WHISTLING
43:04WHISTLING
43:06WHISTLING
43:08WHISTLING
43:10WHISTLING
43:12WHISTLING
43:14WHISTLING