Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S02 E04. Health.
First broadcast 24th July 2019.
Jon Richardson
Rob Beckett
Ed Gamble
Lou Sanders
Robert Dingwall
Jon Richardson
Rob Beckett
Ed Gamble
Lou Sanders
Robert Dingwall
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worry,
00:38the show where I discuss all of the world's worries
00:41and file them away neatly for future reference.
00:44It's less of a glass-half-full, glass-half-empty show
00:47and more like the glass has been smashed to pieces
00:49and I've got to tidy everything up.
00:51This is my Worry Index.
00:54It's home to millions of worries,
00:56all of which have been categorised and ranked
00:58following decades of thorough analysis.
01:00This week, we'll be looking at some brand-new worries,
01:03exclusively to do with the theme of health.
01:06Now, some of the things we'll be looking at tonight
01:08include plagues, pickles and screaming into the void.
01:12Before we crack on, please welcome my guests for tonight.
01:15It's Lou Sanders, Ed Gamble and Rob Beckett!
01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:23Hello, hello, hello.
01:27Paper.
01:33Lou, you're the perfect bookie for this show
01:35because you run a podcast called Why Is Your Bottom So Dirty?
01:38Yeah.
01:39And Rob's worried on the last series that he has a dirty bottom.
01:42Yeah.
01:43Perhaps as the expert, you could outline to Rob
01:45quite why he's got such a dirty bottom.
01:47Er, he's not cleaning it properly.
01:49Well, I know I do, but I have a sort of strange worry
01:51where I think I may have wiped too well and it's gone up my back.
01:55So, this was... Was this your worry on the last series?
01:58Yeah, yeah.
01:59So it's been a full year and you've still not cleaned your arse?
02:02Well, my arse is fine, my back's in pieces.
02:05That's a terrible state of affairs.
02:07Are you a worrier, Ed?
02:08I have a healthy amount of worry.
02:10It's right that I'm sitting in the middle here, I think.
02:12Rob just has absolutely no worries.
02:14He's like a little Cockney Buddha, he's so zen.
02:17But I've...
02:20I'm chill, baby. Are you chill?
02:23I worry about, like, my parents dying and stuff,
02:25but I keep it light. Keep it light.
02:29Now, Ed, you're going to start with our first worry of the night.
02:32Do you have a health-based worry?
02:34I do. I am worried that I'm an undercover fat man.
02:39I mean, without wishing to butter you up straight away,
02:42it's a hell of a disguise.
02:43I was a big boy for a long time
02:45and I worked very hard to lose that weight.
02:48Yes. But I... How much?
02:50Six stone. Six stone.
02:54Thank you.
02:57I believe you've brought in some pictures.
02:59I've brought in some pictures, so we can see what...
03:02You had to get them delivered by van, didn't you?
03:04Yeah, there we go.
03:05Oh, wow. You look like a bloated trader.
03:11Is that a cigarette or a lollipop?
03:13Good question.
03:14I think it's a chicken satay skewer.
03:19That's Corfu, and on that holiday I was smoking 50 a day.
03:24How did you fit that in?
03:27I love the smell of beer and smoke on a man, actually.
03:31This may be the most damaged couch we've ever had.
03:35There's a picture, I believe, of you at work.
03:37Yeah, there we are.
03:39Lovely personality, though.
03:43There I am. I miss my little chubby hands.
03:45Little soft pillow hands.
03:47So does your girlfriend.
03:49Same girlfriend. Isn't that lovely, though?
03:51She loves a real him.
03:52Same girlfriend? That wasn't a return on investment, was it?
03:56You're like her Bitcoin.
04:00She's loving it, isn't she?
04:04In real estate terms, I was very much an up-and-coming lady.
04:07She's gentrified the shit out of you.
04:12Unfortunately, I may have lost the weight,
04:14I've not lost the fat man brain. I still think like a fat man.
04:17So I feel like I've been sent undercover from the fat community
04:21to sort of spy on thin people and what they get up to.
04:24I don't know what you're like, John, you're a very slim man.
04:27Have you been trim your whole life?
04:29I'm sort of going the other way.
04:31I'm reverse gambling, shall we say.
04:34Corfu's booked for 2022.
04:38I've booked two seats on the plane, put it that way.
04:40It's been in situations where you go over to a thin person's house
04:43and they say, do you want a biscuit? I think we've got some biscuits.
04:46You think, who doesn't know if they have biscuits?
04:49You buy them all and eat the entire packet
04:51before you've unpacked the rest of the shopping.
04:54Rob, have you got a side of your former self that you're trying to keep?
04:58A bit like Ed, really, greedy, when I was younger.
05:01And I will have moments where I let it slip again.
05:04So I bought some Ferrero Rocher for Christmas
05:07and I thought, I'll have one,
05:10because I'm trying to save them for Christmas.
05:13So I thought, what I'll do is I'll eat it in a new way to slow it up.
05:16So I just pop one in my mouth and let it dissolve.
05:19And it took ages, like a really sort of strong-willed quaver.
05:26A skip with an attitude.
05:29And I let it sit and it dissolved into my mouth
05:32and it was the most beautiful way to eat one.
05:34And then I ate all of them.
05:37Six hours you were there.
05:40Driest mouth I've ever had.
05:42It smells so good. With a glass of milk, I still have chocolate.
05:45See, this is the fat man colour.
05:47Cookies and milk, I could just plough through them.
05:49Go vegan. You don't get that fat-unctiousness.
05:52You have one and you think...
05:57Also, milk's got pus in it.
05:59Milk's got pus in it? I've got shit all over me back there.
06:04So, Ed, I'm going to log the worry that you are an undercover fat man
06:08and I'll tell you now, Ed, I'm going to log that one as a moderate worry.
06:13And the reason is because, obviously, it's very sad to have thought
06:16that you might return to your previous chubby ways
06:18and that haunts your every waking moment.
06:20But you have lost a lot of weight and you're now very handsome
06:23and I find that quite threatening.
06:25So it is on the list there next to weird moles,
06:27which you can also find in the index under gardening,
06:30along with unseasonal frost and foxes shagging.
06:33So, Tariqa, Ed Gamble, your worry is a moderate worry.
06:36APPLAUSE
06:42Now, Rob, do you have a health-based worry?
06:44Yes. Well, basically, I've been trying to get fit,
06:48so I've started doing boxing, I haven't done any sparring yet
06:51and I'm worried that I might enjoy being hit in the face.
06:55So we've summarised that as,
06:57I worry that getting fit will make me unfit.
06:59Yeah, if you can call being punched in the head unfit.
07:02You're one of five brothers, right? Yes.
07:04So surely you've been punched in the face.
07:06Yeah, true.
07:08When we were kids, my dad used to make us box in the front room.
07:11We used to fight each other.
07:13Are you sure this is the right arena
07:15to be revealing this sort of information?
07:17We enjoyed it.
07:19It wasn't like, you know...
07:20You sell tickets to the local community.
07:22Me and my brother actually had our first blood fight at the beach once.
07:25We were fighting in the sea and then whoever bled first lost.
07:31Also, as well, cos I've got to remember my jokes,
07:33so if I start doing too much boxing,
07:35I'm worried I might get punched out my head.
07:37Also, if you start sparring, the teeth are a target, aren't they?
07:40I mean, yeah, I've not looked into gum shields yet
07:42and that could cost a lot.
07:44Are you good at boxing?
07:46Not really, but I've got a lot of energy.
07:48The trainer bloke said,
07:49you're quite frantic and you keep smiling.
07:51The more tired you get, the more smiley you get,
07:53so it's quite off-putting if you're trying to beat someone up
07:56and they keep smiling.
07:57It's not a menacing smile, is it? It's a proper, like...
08:00I'm just delighted to be here.
08:02That was my favourite punch to the face I've ever had.
08:04That's when you mess with their mind and get in there.
08:06Like, give them a compliment and whack them round the head.
08:09I don't think I'd ever want to do a proper fight.
08:11I don't think getting hit in the face really should be a major worry,
08:14based on this clip of you sparring
08:16with former world middleweight champion Darren Barker.
08:20This is what it all comes down to.
08:22Three minutes, you've got two rounds apiece
08:24to spar with this man here.
08:26What's all this stuff on the floor?
08:28It's called blood.
08:29That's blood. Ignore that, it's just a bit of blood.
08:31Look at boys, get to your corners.
08:33Hands up! What have you been working on?
08:35OK, Rob, try and spark him out early.
08:37Dig in.
08:39Oh, my goodness, look at that power.
08:41The training had paid off.
08:42Well done!
08:43Go on, Beckett!
08:44Look at the speed in this man.
08:46Sort of.
08:53Oh, mate! You all right, mate?
08:56That noise...
08:58It really hurt.
09:00I made the noise before I felt the pain.
09:03Cos I remember, I just went...
09:05HE SCREAMS
09:06And then I went...
09:08The noise was like the sound of part of you dying.
09:11Guttural.
09:12The part of you that thought, I'm good at this,
09:14that was the noise, it died, and you went...
09:16To be fair, that was the first time I've ever done boxing.
09:19Oh, so you're saying you'd muller that guy?
09:21Yeah, I'd actually kill him.
09:23Darren Bark, if you're watching, I'm going to take you out.
09:26Weightlifting is a real peril.
09:28Here is a weightlifting fail.
09:45That may have been tactical.
09:47I don't think I can put this down normally.
09:50I'll just go down with it.
09:53Have you taken a serious injury from sport or exercise?
09:56I ate a lasagne once and went for a run,
09:58and then I was sick the whole lasagne.
10:00Yeah.
10:01I'm not surprised that you were sick.
10:03Who eats a lasagne and then goes for a run?
10:05Well, everyone talks about carving up before a run.
10:07You're not lasagne, you're not lasagne!
10:10I don't think they do it five minutes before, either.
10:12This bechamel sauce is really going to get me past the wall.
10:16I did the half marathon and ate a Chinese,
10:18and they had food stalls with people watching,
10:21and I was like, I'll just get a quick Chinese before it's set off.
10:24But the thing is, it took ages to cook,
10:26so I was sort of eating it, and then they blew the whistle.
10:28It was awful. It was such an awful...
10:30Because that's food for the spectators, right?
10:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:33They must be looking at you a full year going,
10:35what the hell is this woman doing?
10:37I tell you what, they put the marathon on TV every year,
10:39and I imagine the viewing figures are dwindling.
10:41I would definitely watch it if everyone had had a Chinese.
10:44If you can watch them on Tundra inside a massive rhino outfit.
10:48And they should let them off in groups.
10:50Here's the curry group.
10:52They've all had a vindaloo, good luck at the eight-mile mark.
10:56Here comes the pizza hut buffet crew.
10:59There's Rob Beckett with Dolmio down his bust.
11:02Every day's a Dolmio day.
11:06So, Rob, I'm going to log your worry,
11:08that you are worried that getting fit will make you unfit.
11:11Sure.
11:12And I'm going to tell you that that is going to be logged as a low worry.
11:15And the reason is because I basically like you as a comedian,
11:19and you're a funny comedian because, let's say,
11:21you don't always know exactly what's going on in the world,
11:23so the more you get hit in the face, the funnier you're going to become.
11:28When you're funny now, can you imagine how funny you'll be
11:31if you don't really know what a sandwich is?
11:35Some of the other worries you can see there are fun runs,
11:38just because it rhymes doesn't mean it's true,
11:40and rogue blasters, which is less of a worry if it's yours,
11:43but a severe worry if they're mysterious.
11:46So for that reason, Rob, it's a low worry.
11:53So that's it for this part. See you in a bit.
11:55APPLAUSE
12:10Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
12:12where tonight we're looking at the world of health.
12:14Each show, one of our guests carries out some extra research
12:17on one of their worries. This week, that person is Lou.
12:19Lou, what is your worry?
12:21I hate noises, and I think we've got too sort of loud.
12:25I know, don't look at me like I am loud, but I mean...
12:28Yeah, I was going to say, this is very hypocritical.
12:31But I think... I don't mind me being loud,
12:33but I don't like the world around me.
12:35You know, like people on a train, like, shouting into their phones,
12:38or, like, just watching whole episodes of stuff without any earphones.
12:42Just, like, treating the train like it's their house.
12:45Like, oh, yeah, why not have a trumpet lesson and a wet shave?
12:48It's just gone too far.
12:50I mean, if I saw someone doing that, I'd be quite impressed.
12:53You know, like, even in the supermarket,
12:55like, the beeps, they've got really loud,
12:57and I feel sorry for people working there.
12:59Like, why not mix it up, have, like, make it a woof sound,
13:02or, like, a little squawk or something, or even a compliment.
13:05You know, it's a hard day's shift, bit of bread through,
13:08and it goes, oh, you're lovely, or something like that.
13:10You know, rather than a beeping. I hate police sirens.
13:13Oh, yeah, we're all busy. Like, we're all in a rush.
13:16Maybe if you paid for more stuff, you wouldn't hear them so much.
13:19I don't like the beeping, so I just took it,
13:21and now the bloody sirens are after me.
13:23You hate police sirens, yeah, we're all busy.
13:25That's not them showing off that they've got a job.
13:28Tone it down a bit, though.
13:30May I suggest, if you're not a fan of noise,
13:32the New Zealand Comedy Festival is one of the biggest on the planet.
13:35If you ever get offered it, you should really take it down,
13:38because you are apt to meet this gentleman in New Zealand.
13:41SCREAMING
13:44Harry Shuler is officially the loudest person in the world.
13:48He's been measured at 130 decibels,
13:51narrowly beating an Australian record of 128.
13:55He's apparently louder than a 747.
13:59Harry plans to try and enter his name in the Guinness Book of Records.
14:03In the meantime, he's spending a lot of time practising.
14:06The first New Zealand Shouting Champs will be held next month.
14:10Jo Malcolm, One Network News.
14:12Two words, daddy issues.
14:15Daddy issues.
14:17You think he's screaming for his daddy to hear?
14:20I did the New Zealand Comedy Festival
14:22and none of my audiences had any problem with being too loud.
14:26Opposite problem. Yeah.
14:28So, the European Commission have dubbed noise the silent killer.
14:31According to the World Health Organisation,
14:33at least one million healthy years of life
14:36are lost every year due to noise pollution.
14:38Oh, these bunch of nerds are doing my head in.
14:41They're not about fucking noise. Have a day off.
14:44That's sort of what the show's about.
14:48Here is a clip of a gentleman using noise
14:51to give enjoyment to the world.
14:53NERDS!
14:55Get out, boy! Stop it!
14:57SHIT YOU!
14:59NERDS!
15:01I say hi.
15:03NERDS!
15:05Right!
15:07NERDS!
15:09Jesus!
15:11NERDS!
15:13NERDS!
15:15Hey!
15:19NERDS!
15:21NERDS! For goodness sakes, boy!
15:23F*** off!
15:27Oh, it's great.
15:29Yeah.
15:31So, two choices now.
15:33We crack on with the show or we just watch that for two hours.
15:36I love that he just...
15:38His arms went up like one of those things outside a car garage.
15:41Don't worry, he turns the hoover on for me.
15:44Oh, yeah.
15:46So, Lou, I set you as your homework,
15:48if we're worried about noise, to find the alternative argument
15:51and to find a way to embrace sound.
15:53What have you got?
15:55OK, have you ever heard of ASMR?
15:57No.
15:59Which is... I wear it down cos it's really boring to learn.
16:02Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response.
16:05Which is, basically, it's people eating or whispering
16:08or making, like, quiet noises
16:10and people use them to get to sleep or feel relaxed.
16:13They talk all softly and... Yeah.
16:15It sounds like a wanking thing.
16:17They speak. People are speaking.
16:19Can we have a look at what it is?
16:21Yeah, I won't recreate it. Let's look on there.
16:24Hello, hello, hello.
16:40CRUNCHING
16:57Thank you.
16:59LAUGHTER
17:01APPLAUSE
17:05That was horrible.
17:0724 million views, that got.
17:09A woman eating pickles. 24 million views.
17:11Oh, there's some grubby little bastards on the internet, innit?
17:14I feel like it's the sort of thing you'd hear if you were kidnapped
17:17and you had a bag over your head.
17:19Hello. Thank you for the pickles.
17:23So, I think, actually, we've set up a dressing room for Rob,
17:26cos of the gnashers, obviously,
17:28if you want to get chomping on some pickles
17:30to see if it's erotic or relaxing or needless.
17:33OK, so, do you want me to do sexual?
17:36I think so.
17:38It looks like a casting couch.
17:40So, you're going to go over there and you're going to eat some fruits?
17:43Yeah, I'm not going to have to suck off a middle-aged man, am I?
17:46That's optional. That is optional.
17:48I'm here for the show. I'm a team player. I will do it.
17:51OK, come on, you. Head to Lou's dressing room.
17:54APPLAUSE
17:59It's a lovely dressing room you've got, isn't it? Nice.
18:02But I will say as well, this is how horror movies start.
18:06Rob, can you hear me, Rob?
18:09Yeah, I can hear you.
18:11Push right up to the mic and do it like the ASMR.
18:14Really chew, tell us what you're up to.
18:16I am...
18:18LAUGHTER
18:22Eat a pickle for me.
18:25LAUGHTER
18:33Just eat one pickle right into the mic.
18:35Don't say anything, just enjoy the pickle.
18:40They're all in little slices, so I think I need a few.
18:43Go on, then.
18:50Is that what you want?
18:55I mean, you've brought a real level of aggression to it.
18:59That wasn't picking up on in the other videos.
19:10Oh, popping candy, yeah, have some popping candy.
19:13Eat it all for me.
19:16LAUGHTER
19:21That's quite enough, Jon.
19:25Are you wanking?
19:27Are you wanking to this, Jon?
19:29Just what you want.
19:36Anyone getting anything?
19:38Oh, I am rock hard.
19:40Ladies and gentlemen, ASMR featuring Mr Rob Beckett.
20:00Sorry, I didn't know what I was doing.
20:02That came across...
20:04It's really weird not being able to talk at a normal level.
20:07Three people in the audience ejaculated.
20:09Really?
20:11That's my record for a room.
20:15That's my record for a lifetime.
20:17We're going to log the worry,
20:19and the worry is I worry everything's getting a bit loud.
20:22I sort of feel like we brought in the ASMR
20:25to sort of swing me back from the fear that noise is a killer.
20:29It didn't quite get me there.
20:31I enjoyed what you did in there.
20:33I don't think I was the person to deliver it to you, though.
20:36I can't.
20:38We've picked the loudest person.
20:40This ain't news to me.
20:44Let's get Rob to do that, he's often quiet.
20:48So, Lou, I'm going to log your worry
20:50that you think everything's getting a bit too loud,
20:53and I'm going to log it as a moderate worry.
20:57Personally, I would eradicate 90% of all conversation
21:01and the people saying the things.
21:03So that's a moderate worry. Thank you, Lou.
21:07APPLAUSE
21:10Now, let's take a break,
21:12and after that, we'll be looking at my first worry of the night,
21:15which is I worry that we're due a plague.
21:18I'll see you in a bit, unless we all die!
21:20APPLAUSE
21:25Coming up on Ultimate Worryer...
21:30I don't like it in here, Jon!
21:32It's on me!
21:37APPLAUSE
21:42Welcome back to Ultimate Worryer,
21:44where tonight we're looking at worries exclusively to do with health.
21:47Now, before the break, I revealed this worry of mine.
21:50I worry that we're due a plague!
21:53This is one of the big worries.
21:55It's obviously up there with the death of bees and food shortages,
21:58people who say they're going on Hollybobs.
22:01We're talking a serious worry.
22:05When you think plague, don't think zombie virus.
22:08Think the flu.
22:10The World Health Organisation earlier this year listed a flu pandemic
22:13as one of their top ten threats to global health.
22:16And isn't it fun to find out there's ten?
22:18They could have just said three, really,
22:20or kept the whole thing to themselves so we could sleep at night.
22:23But it's a lovely top ten, it really is worth reading.
22:26Ed Sheeran's not in it as well, which is a bonus.
22:29Here's their quote.
22:31The world will face another influenza epidemic.
22:34The only thing we don't know is when it will hit and how severe it will be.
22:38So that's relaxing, isn't it?
22:41And if you want to see a clip of a flu-related sneeze
22:44that will make you housebound for a season, here it is.
22:51Not done.
22:53And then it goes back up.
22:55That's a terrible day's acting work as well, isn't it?
22:59But it'll only take one sneeze like that to start the plague, won't it?
23:02Absolutely. One aggressive sneeze.
23:04It was probably them filming that video that's probably ground zero.
23:07Well, they had to infect that woman with some pretty serious viruses.
23:10I sneeze like that from my trousers.
23:17We've got the clip.
23:20The tough day's acting work.
23:24I think it'd be quite handy.
23:26A flu plague.
23:28Cos it's busy, isn't it, on a commute?
23:31So just lop a few off.
23:33Would make things easier, wouldn't it?
23:35Table reservations for dinner.
23:38At the moment it sounds like your view's
23:40that you're the most cockney dictator of all time.
23:43Lop a few off.
23:46We're all saying knock a few off as if we might not be some of those people.
23:50I think I've already got it. You think you've got it?
23:52Yeah, I've been ill for four days.
23:54I've got gut problems.
23:56Gut problems?
23:58This feels like a conversation you could have had with our booker a week ago.
24:03I mean, I'm all right. I'm on my own chair here.
24:06As long as your legs are crossed when you sneeze, I think we'll be all right.
24:11I mean, that taken out of context is a career ender for me.
24:15Do you want to see something called a risk matrix?
24:17Of course you do.
24:19This is something a government draws up
24:21and it's a list of threats to our society.
24:25So along the bottom here,
24:27this is the likelihood of occurring in the next five years.
24:30This is the severity of it.
24:32So up here, this would be your worst.
24:34You'd have like Paddy McGuinness would be here.
24:37Almost inevitable that it's going to occur in the next five years.
24:40Very serious when it does.
24:42But here's your influenza right up here.
24:44It's four out of five likelihood of occurring in the next five years.
24:48And it is the most severe thing that we face.
24:50What, the flu?
24:51The flu, yeah.
24:52I mean, there are other threats.
24:54It raining when you're out for a drive.
24:58A dripping tap.
25:01I mean, they're quite right. It's almost inevitable, isn't it?
25:04I think that's what Lou's got at the moment, to be honest.
25:08I've taken this sort of methodology and I've made my own risk matrix.
25:12It's called the John Richardson Marriage Risk Matrix
25:15and it's threats to my marriage.
25:18You see, likelihood of occurrence,
25:20that's the likelihood my wife will bump into these people
25:22versus the risk of them ruining my marriage.
25:27This is Greg Wallace.
25:29I don't think she fancies Greg Wallace,
25:31but it doesn't seem to matter to him.
25:34Seems determined to marry all women at some point anyway.
25:38Will.i.am, she's really into Will.i.am,
25:40but I've put him as a low risk as sort of pees in a pod, innit?
25:44Why would you leave me for such a similar guy?
25:48Who's top right?
25:50This is Glyn, he is our electrician stroke.
25:56He's sort of an electrician and a plumber
25:58and he can sort of do anything, so anything goes wrong in our house.
26:01When we have to call for a real man, it's Glyn that comes round.
26:04He's just a permanently emasculating presence in our marriage.
26:09Can I say your wife has got terrible taste in men?
26:12No offence.
26:23I think I overheard her mum saying that.
26:27Let's get back to the risk of us all dying of plague.
26:31Now that we've had a little bit of fun.
26:35This is a message from 1976.
26:37This is an advert on how easily these things can be spread.
26:42Joe brought it home from the office.
26:44He gave it to Betty and one of his kids and to Betty's mother.
26:50But Betty's mother went back to California the next day.
26:53On her way to the airport, she gave it to a cab driver,
26:57a ticket agent and one of the charming stewardesses.
27:01In California, Betty's mother gave it to her best friend, Dottie.
27:05But Dottie had a heart condition and she died.
27:09Before she died, Dottie gave it to her girlfriend,
27:12the mailman, the paperboy and the vet when she went to pick up her chihuahua.
27:20If a swine flu epidemic comes, this is how it could spread.
27:25Clearly the thing to be scared of there is the woman doing the voiceover.
27:28The plea with which she says, she died.
27:32Is the stuff of nightmares.
27:34The choice of music is incredible as well.
27:36It's not a swine flu, it's laid back jazz fun.
27:39My worry is why is she touching the paperboy?
27:46Never quite clear up how the taxi driver gets it.
27:48The mailman got it, I bet he did.
27:51I think the lesson from that is don't kiss your kids on the lips, it's weird.
27:55Don't touch the paperboy and don't fuck the postman.
27:59So just how close are we towards a global pandemic
28:02and what will the impact be?
28:04To answer those questions and more,
28:05please welcome sociologist Professor Robert Dingwall.
28:19I mean, I've gone in for a handshake there, I've probably started.
28:22Very rash of you, I think.
28:25So, a sociologist, do you study pandemics as part of that?
28:28Yeah, I'm sort of interested in accidents, catastrophes, disasters.
28:34Pandemics are just another one of these things that comes along.
28:37I'll tell you what, Robert,
28:38you've gone straight onto my dream dinner party list.
28:42So, when can we expect the next pandemic plague?
28:45Well, the World Health Organisation are absolutely right.
28:48Nobody knows when.
28:50The one thing that we can be reasonably certain of
28:52is it will come down the track sometime.
28:54So there's no sort of regular pattern?
28:56If you look over the last 100 years or so,
28:58you've got 1889, 1918, 1957, 1968, 2009.
29:06You find a pattern in that.
29:07OK.
29:13What happens with the pandemic is that the virus changes
29:16in a way that we haven't seen before,
29:18so we don't have a really robust response to it.
29:22And that means that a lot more people get sick and a lot more people die.
29:26Is it worth having a Barocca?
29:29Good question. Thank you.
29:31I would...
29:33..take the chances while they're here. OK, thanks, mate.
29:36What can you do to ensure that if it breaks out,
29:38you're not going to get it?
29:40There's not an awful lot you can do to look after yourself.
29:43These airborne viruses are very infectious.
29:45They're very easily transmitted.
29:47You say there's nothing you can do about a pandemic,
29:49but surely that's going to help a bit, right?
29:52But you see, John, if you read the label, it says antibacterial,
29:56and we're talking about viruses.
30:03Take a one.
30:05I've got a healer, Gillian the Pyrenees,
30:08and she says you don't really get ill unless you're emotionally stressed,
30:13so she can probably help.
30:15Has she ever had chicken pox?
30:17Probably not. She's magic.
30:20Yeah, being stressed probably doesn't help.
30:22I mean, that's, again, it's one of the theories about 1918,
30:25that people were so stressed out by, you know,
30:28little things like World War I... Yeah.
30:30..that they weren't terribly...
30:32And they didn't even have social media press, did they? Indeed, yeah.
30:35Because, I mean, at the moment, I don't know if I've mentioned it,
30:38Gillian the Pyrenees said that it's purification,
30:40and she also said the reason I haven't been near a boy for a while
30:43is because the angels are purifying my lower regions.
30:49You genuinely pay a woman to tell you
30:53that angels are purifying your lower region?
30:55Is that why you've got the shits?
30:59So, who are the major sort of spreaders?
31:01I've identified Rob Beckett, but who would be the people who spread?
31:04Well, he's a pretty fair candidate, but actually...
31:09Going off him.
31:11Actually, it's the toddlers that you really need to worry about.
31:14Children? Yeah, I mean, relatively small ones.
31:18Because they, you know, they're snotty-nosed and they dribble a lot...
31:21They're grubby little bastards.
31:24They distribute the virus around very freely.
31:26Oh, what a bunch of arseholes.
31:29Honestly, small people who need affection, honestly, I've noticed that.
31:34So that's my Tinder profile.
31:37Why do you think that went for Rob as the prime candidate?
31:40Yes, Rob. Yes.
31:43Neither of you look good doing that.
31:47I'm a boxer, mate, it's what we do. Don't be S-Rob.
31:50Right, we're going to log the worry, but before that,
31:52let me say a massive thank you to Professor Robert Dingwall.
32:01So we're going to log the worry that I worry we're due a plague,
32:05and how could that be anything other than a very severe worry?
32:09The Professor has convinced me that we are due a plague at any minute,
32:14so that is clearly a severe worry.
32:18So that's it for this part.
32:20I'm going to have a shower in antibacterial hand wash.
32:23I know he said it's pointless, I just like the feel of it on my skin.
32:26I'll see you after the break, you dirty bunch.
32:29APPLAUSE
32:43Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
32:45I am about to confront my biggest worry from the world of health,
32:49which is this one.
32:51I'm worried that stress will kill me.
32:55Now, to be clear, I'm not talking about worrying.
32:58Obviously, that would undermine the format.
33:02Worrying's not the same as stress. Worrying, I think, is productive.
33:05Worrying's about dealing with problems.
33:07Stress is purely an unpleasant state to be in.
33:09Would you say you're quite sort of stressy, angry people?
33:12You ever lost your rag?
33:14I lose my rag about tiny things.
33:16Like, big stuff doesn't really worry me.
33:18I'll just build up a stress.
33:20Like, I'm really stressed out at the moment
33:22about I bought a three-pack of peppers
33:24and I know I'm not going to use the green one.
33:26And when am I going to use a green pepper?
33:28It tastes like evil.
33:30Yeah, eat it and make money doing ASMR.
33:32ASMRing.
33:34I can sort you out. I'll get you on my channel.
33:36Yeah, cheers, mate.
33:38It's called the slightly confused and stressed ASMR guy.
33:40It's called the Cockney Whisperer.
33:44Do you get stressed?
33:46You wouldn't, like, for example, go into a bathroom
33:48and scream into the mirror for five minutes.
33:50I mean, I scream a lot.
33:52When you scream, is it just stress?
33:54I scream because I'm so excited.
33:58Because when I was a kid, when I was really excited,
34:00I used to, like, squeeze my nipples like that and go,
34:02ARGH!
34:04But now I've just reined it back to,
34:06ARGH!
34:08Yes!
34:10Now you squeeze your wife's nipples.
34:12When you started tugging your nipples as a child,
34:14did your parents think about taking you to see some sort of professional?
34:16Nah, I've got four brothers.
34:18There was too much going on.
34:20I like stress. I like it.
34:22You took your shirt off now and you had just really long nipples.
34:24I've got big nips,
34:26but I think that might be hormones.
34:28Oh, oh, oh.
34:30My concern is that
34:32it gets to the point where it builds up so much
34:34that it becomes a genuine, like,
34:36blood pressure.
34:38I've thrown toys.
34:40I had an issue with things being left out
34:42in the garden.
34:44I threw my daughter's
34:46little tricycle
34:48across the garden.
34:50She wasn't on it.
34:52She was fast asleep.
34:54But then it just comes out
34:56in a, ARGH!
34:58And I picked this tricycle up and properly, like, hammered through it.
35:00I spun three times.
35:02Just toyed it across the garden.
35:04What's your wife doing at this point?
35:06Oh, she's upstairs making mess in another room.
35:08LAUGHTER
35:12She's testing it to my absolute limits,
35:14that's what she's doing.
35:16She's upstairs squeezing the toothpaste
35:18with the strength of a hundred rhinos.
35:20LAUGHTER
35:22I find it on the fucking ceiling sometimes.
35:24LAUGHTER
35:26So, this is a clip that sort of frightens me.
35:28It went viral as a sort of amusing clip,
35:30but it's something I see as a genuine
35:32flash of my future, cos where I do get it
35:34is road rage, and I'm one step away
35:36from offering to make a citizen's arrest
35:38on a child, which is...
35:40You're under a citizen's arrest!
35:42Put your hands on the car!
35:44And get ready to die!
35:46You're under a citizen's arrest!
35:48I'm not opening the door!
35:50You're under a citizen's arrest!
35:52You're under a citizen's arrest!
35:54And I'll tell you what, you are too!
35:56That's my 11-year-old son!
35:58LAUGHTER
36:00I mean, what he's pointing out there is
36:02it's literally a child on the back seat.
36:04He threatens to put under a citizen's arrest
36:06because the car that was being driven
36:08cut him up on his way into the services.
36:10Now, there's no way in which that is a rational
36:12response to that situation.
36:14Cos if that did happen, I would lose it
36:16at someone who would return fire,
36:18and that's what happens here.
36:20It's called legal.
36:22Yeah, put your seat belt on.
36:24Put your fucking mouth shut!
36:26You are really pissing me off.
36:28I know I am.
36:30And you do this for a hobby.
36:32Fucking annoy people.
36:34LAUGHTER
36:36I'm taking your camera.
36:38Right.
36:40I'm a fucking tourist!
36:42Fuck you!
36:44You're a fucking prick!
36:46LAUGHTER
36:48APPLAUSE
36:56I sort of hate those clips
36:58because I feel like I'm in them.
37:00Certainly the bit when he said,
37:02you're pissing me off, and the guy goes,
37:04oh, no!
37:06That's me, is what that is.
37:08I think, oh, shit.
37:10I'm not surprised he fell over with that big blur
37:12in front of his face.
37:14The lowest I've come to this point
37:16in my life was spitting at a traffic light.
37:18LAUGHTER
37:22What I recognised was
37:24an unhealthy response.
37:26I mean, if you approach a traffic light,
37:28the one thing you've got to expect
37:30that might happen is
37:32the light's changed colour.
37:34This light didn't become a transformer
37:36and burst all my tyres.
37:38It didn't show me pictures of traumatic events
37:40from my childhood.
37:42It simply went from green to amber
37:44at a time that I felt was taking the piss.
37:46LAUGHTER
37:48And this light saw me coming and went,
37:50wait, let me get... Fuck off.
37:52Just went amber
37:54and I wound my window down and I spat at it.
37:56LAUGHTER
37:58Anyone else would just go through amber, but...
38:00LAUGHTER
38:04What they now advise people to do
38:06if you've heard of these,
38:08where you go into a room and you put in there
38:10all the things that have annoyed you
38:12and you just smash the crap out of everything.
38:14To me, that's sort of ramping up the problem.
38:16That's saying if you think you've got a problem with aggression,
38:18why don't you really lose your shit?
38:20I've come up with a sort of
38:22an alternative that I think would please me more,
38:24which I'm calling
38:26an arrange room.
38:28And what I need is basically that situation
38:30where other people go and unleash
38:32tensions they have in their life
38:34and then I go in and tidy up afterwards.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:38The tension that would release in me
38:40in tidying up other people's mess
38:42would be a much healthier way
38:44of me dealing with anxiety.
38:46So, I have here my arrange room.
38:48If...
38:50Excuse me.
38:52LAUGHTER
38:54If you could smash anything up,
38:56what would it be?
38:58For me, inequality.
39:00LAUGHTER
39:02I'm sure we can do something about that.
39:04No, I reckon, like, the things we were talking about earlier,
39:06like snacks, sugary sweets
39:08and things like that, I'd just get them out my system.
39:10That's what you'd love to do in a buffet environment.
39:12Yeah. Rob?
39:14Well, I've always...
39:16Like, when I've got, like, the tomato sauce out the fridge,
39:18I've always had an urge just to squeeze it everywhere.
39:20So I know it's not acceptable.
39:22So, you know...
39:24It's a good job we're not married.
39:26I think it would be quite liberating
39:28if I could just go condiment crazy.
39:30Condiments, sugar and inequality.
39:32Yeah. So, I mean,
39:34a lot's going to change as a result of the next few minutes.
39:36You all look absolutely smashing
39:38and I wouldn't want to ruin that.
39:40So I've got you some protective gear.
39:42Look smashing, be smashing, yeah?
39:44There's some little protective suits for you to put on.
39:46Thank you.
39:48So, there you go. Please make your way to the arrange room,
39:50ladies and gentlemen.
39:52APPLAUSE
39:54And first up in the arrange room,
39:56it's Lou Sanders smashing inequality.
40:00Inequality, of course,
40:02is a watermelon with a face.
40:06Yeah, I feel a bit threatened.
40:10That's inequality.
40:12We've smashed inequality.
40:14All right, sorry.
40:16Unleash the milkshakes of hell.
40:18Goodbye, milkshakes forever!
40:20Forever!
40:24I don't like it in here, Jon.
40:30Friendly fire, friendly fire!
40:32Rob! Rob!
40:34I don't want to do it.
40:36You don't have to do it, Rob.
40:38I don't like it in there.
40:40They're mad.
40:42Come and join us, Rob!
40:44Rob!
40:50APPLAUSE
40:52God, I can't wait to get in there and tidy all that up.
40:56Oh, this is like watching porn in reverse.
41:00So, Rob, I'm very proud of the way you reacted there.
41:02I just panicked and left.
41:04I want you to come in with me,
41:06and I want you to see what happens when we sort all that mess out.
41:08OK.
41:10So, we're going to go into the arrange room.
41:12Hello, Rob. Hello.
41:14Welcome to the room, you absolute pussy.
41:16Oh, it stinks!
41:18You're not even in, it's horrible, innit?
41:20There's only watermelons and sweets in here.
41:22It's condiments.
41:24You've brought a lot of this smell in with you.
41:26I tried to draw a knob, but it got too busy in here and I left.
41:28Do you all feel calmer than you did when you came in?
41:30Genuinely do, you know.
41:32Yeah?
41:34I feel a bit more relaxed.
41:36I feel quite on edge.
41:38This is the most stress I've felt for the entire show.
41:40Time to deal with my stress.
41:42It's not about you anymore.
41:44I think this is going to be really thick.
41:46It's smearing slightly.
41:48Oh, it's on me!
41:52It's quite strange you're satisfied watching you do that.
41:56Well, you lot can go whenever you're ready to be honest.
42:00I mean, that was better than any sex anyone's ever had.
42:04Rob, do you want to have a squeegee?
42:06I'll have a little squeegee.
42:08Actually, I think you're a freak like me, Rob.
42:10I'm just spreading the milk.
42:12Jon, you've missed a bit.
42:16We're going to log the worry.
42:18The worry, of course, is I worry stress will kill me.
42:20It started off as a severe worry, of course it did,
42:22but I'll be honest with you,
42:24the last 30 seconds have been the best experience
42:26of my entire life.
42:28I think I've finally discovered a satisfying outlet
42:30for my stress.
42:32So stress is now a low worry for me.
42:36There it goes.
42:40That's it for this week on Ultimate Worrier.
42:42Thanks to my guests, Lou Sanders,
42:44Ed Gamble and Rob Becker.
42:48Goodnight.
43:14Goodnight.