Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S02 E08. Global Affairs.
First broadcast 21st August 2019.
Jon Richardson
Sara Pascoe
Catherine Bohart
Phil Wang
Jon Richardson
Sara Pascoe
Catherine Bohart
Phil Wang
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:31Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worry,
00:35where I discuss all of the world's worries with my guests,
00:38and then we file them away neatly for future reference.
00:41The worries aren't kept on show, they're stored away behind these walls.
00:45It's like Anxiety Argos.
00:47This is my worry index, it's home to millions of worries,
00:50all of which have been categorised and ranked
00:53following decades of thorough analysis.
00:55This week, we'll be looking at some brand-new worries,
00:58all of which are related to the theme of global affairs.
01:02Coming up tonight, we'll be fretting about China,
01:04global survival and Ralph Little.
01:06Before we crack on with the show, please welcome my guests for tonight.
01:09It's Catherine Bohart, Phil Wang and Sarah Pascoe!
01:12APPLAUSE
01:22Thanks for coming, everyone. Are you worried?
01:25Yeah, I'm worried a lot of the time, sure.
01:28But there's a perkiness to the way you said that.
01:30Yeah, no, it's like a personality trait, I think.
01:32I don't know how you work here, for example.
01:35Like, I don't... Why would anybody put the desk there
01:38or the sofa here on a circular stage?
01:40Also, uneven numbers of audience members on either side.
01:43Why did you do that?
01:45I mean, there's a degree of planning to which I sort of check out,
01:48to be honest, and I sort of feel like if I plan the rough themes
01:51and what we're going to talk about,
01:53it sort of isn't my job to put the chairs out.
01:59I do think if you want something done, you should probably do it yourself.
02:02Like, I don't know who did the... What's this situation?
02:05The filing cabinets? Yeah, they're all wrong.
02:07Could I... And, hey, I'm not a therapist.
02:10But could I ask if there's something else happening in your life...
02:13Oh, yeah, I should have said, I have OCD.
02:15..that this is a symptom of, really. Yeah, sure. I have OCD.
02:18Do you have OCD? I've never been diagnosed.
02:20OK, so, yeah. I'm what you'd call a hobbyist.
02:24I've had the test and I have the compulsion but not the disorder.
02:29OK. OK, so aspirational but no follow-through.
02:32Interesting. Bill?
02:34Yeah, well, it turns out I have anxiety.
02:36Oh. Perfect booking.
02:40I went to the GP, I said, you know,
02:42I can't think straight, doc.
02:46And he said, oh, you have anxiety.
02:48And I thought, oh, that makes sense,
02:50cos, like, before I leave the house, I have to do checks.
02:52Do you have checks? Yeah.
02:54So I have to check, like, the stove is off and the lights are off,
02:57cos if they're not off, then the house will burn down.
03:00But then I picked up a new one, which is taps.
03:02I have to go and check, put my hand on the taps,
03:04make sure those aren't overflowing, they're not going to flood the flat.
03:07But then I realised, if the stove catches fire and I've left the tap on,
03:11they're going to cancel each other out. Yeah.
03:14This happened to me.
03:15The two things I got told off for were leaving the oven on
03:18or leaving the front door open,
03:20but one day when the oven did catch fire,
03:22I also hadn't closed the front door,
03:24and the neighbours saw and their house was saved.
03:26Ah.
03:27So you did the right thing. Amazing.
03:29Yeah. That's why I don't worry.
03:32It's going to be fine.
03:34Is there an element to which you're so worried about
03:36perhaps some bigger issues that the oven seems an irrelevance to you?
03:39Yeah, I'm worried about serial killers,
03:41but in particular the Golden State Killer.
03:43I'm really scared he's going to get me, and he's in prison in America.
03:46Yeah.
03:47But I've got a hammer in my bed.
03:49Just in case.
03:50He used to wait in people's houses, didn't he?
03:53He waited for them.
03:54So you've bought him a gift of a hammer?
03:56No, no, no.
03:58That's what it's going to be.
03:59If he gets you, he's going to get the hammer.
04:01No, he's going to get his skull crushed in and I'll be a heel.
04:04Also, now, this is going on TV,
04:06and if he sees this, he's going to go,
04:08Sarah Pascoe, hammer in bed, travel light.
04:11Do you know how many people are going to sneak into your house
04:13and switch on the oven?
04:15He's probably going to think,
04:17Sarah Pascoe, hammer in bed, but tends to leave the front door open.
04:23It's a definite possibility.
04:25We have to be careful.
04:26Well, the theme of tonight's show is global affairs.
04:28It's a concern of mine that this might become quite a tense conversation.
04:32Yeah.
04:33Discussing some quite unpleasant issues.
04:35So I have an air horn.
04:37OK.
04:38If I feel the conversation veering towards an avenue
04:41that I'm not comfortable with, I'm going to blast the air horn.
04:44That seems like a sensible system.
04:47We're going to start off with the worries that my guests have brought for me.
04:50Phil, what is your global affairs-related worry?
04:53I'm worried that I can't be racist anymore.
04:59Ooh!
05:00OK, let me explain.
05:02I'm going to give you about 60 seconds, I think.
05:04OK, thanks.
05:05What, because I'm Chinese?
05:09I mean, I worry I can't make racist jokes anymore.
05:13Racist jokes are so much fun, and the irony used to be understood.
05:17There used to be some trust that the teller was being sarcastic or ironic,
05:21but now that the world has shifted so much to the right
05:25and that right-wing populism has risen so quickly, so recently,
05:29I feel like if you tell a racist joke now,
05:31people aren't going to give you the benefit of the doubt anymore.
05:34You might actually mean it.
05:36So, gone are the golden days of the racist joke,
05:39and I...
05:41I, for one, mourn them.
05:43You nearly had me.
05:45I was nearly thinking, this is a conversation we can have,
05:48until the phrase, gone is the golden era of the racist joke.
05:53If you want more racist jokes in your life,
05:55I can give your phone number to a couple of my uncles
05:58who could really, really sort you out.
06:01Sounds great.
06:02I'm going to shut this worry down.
06:04This is the first time this has happened.
06:06This worry is not going to be logged.
06:08It's going to go in the crusher and it's going back.
06:10So, Phil, do you have a less controversial global affairs worry?
06:14I'll try, you cracker.
06:22OK, I'm worried about my stocks and shares, Isa.
06:27Fuck me.
06:28I mean, it's really one extreme to the other with you, isn't it, Phil?
06:31So, tell me about your stocks and shares, Isa.
06:33I have a stocks and shares, Isa,
06:35because fixed-rate Isas are really...
06:38I can't believe I'm talking about Isas on Dave.
06:42Did you just say what they are?
06:44So, stocks and shares, Isa, it's just an Isa, but...
06:46What's an Isa? That's what I mean, just...
06:48Oh, everyone has an Isa.
06:50I don't have an Isa. I don't think anyone has any savings.
06:52Yeah, I don't have any money.
06:54I find this less relatable than the racist stuff.
06:56OK.
06:58So, it's a savings account.
07:00If you have more money than you need...
07:04Now explain that to everyone, please.
07:06There's a lot of sweet coin in racist humour.
07:11Phil has experienced something of a boom recently.
07:15Well, so, a normal Isa is just like a tax-free savings account.
07:19So, a stocks and shares Isa means
07:21that you have a provider that does investments for you
07:24and you get a slightly better rate,
07:26if the economy is good, if the stock market is good,
07:29but the stock market is only really good if people feel secure.
07:32And because the world's going mad,
07:34people are feeling less secure,
07:36and I'm feeling it in my stocks and shares Isa.
07:40And it's made me more interested in, like, global affairs,
07:42but from a very selfish point of view, you know?
07:45Every time Theresa May opens her quivering mouth,
07:48I lose ten pounds.
07:52And I'm completely disassociated from the human aspect of global events.
07:56Now it's all just a money thing for me.
07:58It's a monster.
07:59Like, now every time a press conference is called at number ten,
08:02I'm all thinking, oh, what does this mean for the country?
08:04I'm thinking, well, there goes my Prius.
08:08Let's look at the sort of thing that can cost you real money.
08:11So, Elon Musk is a constant fascination on this show
08:14and on this planet as one of our favourite nutcases.
08:18Last year, Tesla shareholders urged Elon Musk to please stop tweeting
08:22because every time he tweets, the share value falls
08:24because he makes jokes.
08:26So on April 1st, April Fool's Day, as it's known,
08:29he tweeted, despite intense efforts to raise money,
08:32including a last-ditch mass sale of Easter eggs,
08:34we're sad to report that Tesla has gone completely and totally bankrupt.
08:38So bankrupt you can't believe it.
08:41Fairly clearly a gag, I think, on behalf of a billionaire on April 1st.
08:45The share price dropped by 5% because the world cannot take a joke.
08:50The following month, Tesla took another hit in their value
08:53when one of their cars had an accident with a firetruck.
08:56To capitalise on that, Elon Musk tweeted the following.
08:59What's actually amazing about this accident
09:01is that a Model S hit a firetruck at 60 miles an hour
09:03and the driver only broke an ankle.
09:05An impact of that speed usually results in severe injury or death.
09:10A classic gag from the Musk rat.
09:13I had the good grace to remove LMFAO from the end
09:18and the shares crashed again.
09:20So may I suggest, if you're not comfortable with
09:22the standard stocks and shares market,
09:24this is a sort of emerging market now,
09:26it's called cryptocurrency.
09:28So money that exists in a sort of computer realm.
09:32Have you ever invested in that?
09:34I dabbled in Bitcoin.
09:36Wow.
09:37For two weeks.
09:39I didn't want to do it and then I got really drunk
09:41and I was very hungover the next day
09:43and I thought, this seems like a good time to try.
09:46Really hungover.
09:47So I bought like a bunch of Bitcoin
09:50and then it crashed
09:52and I lost about £200 in half an hour.
09:55What?
09:56Yeah, then because I was so hungover, I was like,
09:58oh, I've got to quit.
09:59So I just sold it all
10:00and then I was just £200 down.
10:01I thought that was stupid.
10:02So I just got back into it
10:03and spent two weeks not sleeping, following the thing.
10:07And at the end, I made £38.
10:11You must never, ever go to a casino.
10:14You mustn't.
10:15I think if you're worried about Phil's story
10:17and you think that's awful,
10:19I want to introduce you to a gentleman called James Howells.
10:22I think it's never going to be a good story about your life
10:24when the photographer says,
10:25could you stand in the middle of a row?
10:29Well, let's talk about what James owns.
10:30Because in 2013, James accidentally threw away a hard drive.
10:34Can I stop there and say,
10:36no one accidentally throws away a hard drive.
10:38No, there's perhaps someone.
10:39James had a morning in which he perhaps felt uncomfortable
10:42about some decisions he's made.
10:44He threw his hard drive in the bin.
10:45The hard drive contained 7,500 bitcoins.
10:49By the end of 2017, what was on the hard drive...
10:51Sorry, is that a lot of bitcoins? I don't know.
10:53Well, the value at the end of 2017 was $127 million.
10:58What the...
10:59I didn't win a piece!
11:03He never found the hard drive.
11:04The hard drive went to landfill.
11:06Oh, God.
11:07Which begs the question,
11:08how much money would you be willing
11:10to wade through a landfill site for?
11:11You look very upset just at the picture.
11:13I'd pay $127 million not to have to ever go near that.
11:16So I think you've got a good deal.
11:18You'd leave the... You wouldn't even go in.
11:20I would leave it. I'm good, thank you. No, thank you.
11:22Is there anything in your life that is so precious
11:24that if it accidentally got thrown away, you'd go...
11:26Nope.
11:27Nothing? Nope.
11:28It'd be a hard way to lose a kid, but it would happen.
11:33Thank you.
11:34Well, let's log that worry.
11:36I worry about my stocks and shares, ISA,
11:39and although it is good to see someone making the case
11:42for investments in a world of food banks,
11:44I am going to log that as a low worry.
11:47I was sort of on board,
11:48and some of the things you said there, Phil,
11:50made me feel some emotion.
11:52I'll be honest, I'm still riding the euphoria
11:54that we're not talking about racist jokes.
11:56So I hope things get better for you,
11:58but stocks and shares is at the moment a low worry.
12:05That's it for this part. See you in a bit.
12:13APPLAUSE
12:16Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
12:18where tonight we're talking global affairs.
12:21So, Sarah, do you have a worry related to global affairs?
12:24I do.
12:25My worry is I don't think anyone in the world likes Britain.
12:30The world doesn't like Britain? I don't think they like us.
12:33Can I just ask a question? Is this, like, a new worry?
12:36Like, you guys think it's just now that people...
12:38No, no, no!
12:39LAUGHTER
12:41Obviously, so you're from Ireland.
12:43Yeah.
12:44We can start with Ireland. Sure.
12:46When I go to Ireland to do gigs,
12:48I stand up and I go,
12:49hello, and they hear Oliver Cromwell.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:54Actually, Phil, one of the great stand-ups of our time.
12:57He was the first one to do the whole cat-dog thing.
13:00It was funny.
13:01Any cat fans in? Any roundheads in?
13:03It's just, everywhere in the world,
13:05we've done such horrific things,
13:07and the modern day,
13:08where we should be kind of making recompense and making it better,
13:11obviously, we've got colonialism...
13:13Are we not allowed to say colonialism?
13:15You know, you have to sometimes accept the limits of a one-hour TV format.
13:21And I feel if Britain hasn't quite yet made recompense for colonialism,
13:25I'd be very surprised if we four were going to knock out.
13:28No, I wasn't...
13:29But you're talking about for just how long we've been hated.
13:33My point is, I don't think we've been hated.
13:36My point is, I think that the majority of British people are amazing.
13:40When you get to tour this country, you see how lovely everyone...
13:43We're just like nice views and Sunday dinners.
13:46We're good people.
13:47But then what they see of us in the world is awful.
13:51And then they won't give us any points in Eurovision anymore.
13:54And other serious things.
13:56Let's say, first of all,
13:57there's probably a number of reasons we don't win Eurovision.
14:00I think sometimes the song has to take some of the blame.
14:05I think one of the problems as well is that
14:07when other countries see a British person,
14:09they make an assumption based on their broad understanding of Britain.
14:12And actually, we're a much more complex country than that.
14:16And I think this clip I'm about to show of American people
14:19being asked to do their best British accent
14:22is very revealing of what they think we are.
14:25Teeth and crumpets and spotted dick.
14:28Sure feels good to be in jolly old England.
14:31Would you like to head over to the balcony?
14:36Go and save the Queen.
14:38Will you be taking the Lamborghini, Mr Wang?
14:44Rightio, this blaster pickle.
14:46I'd be eaten.
14:48It has to be butter.
14:49Can I have some more?
14:50Beans.
14:51Or some potatoes.
14:52Would you like to have a cup of tea?
14:54Six lumps of sugar in a spotted dick.
14:56Fill her up.
14:57Can I get a cup of tea?
14:58Tea.
14:59Cup of tea, please.
15:00Can I get some water, please?
15:06You see what happens when we let them run themselves?
15:10We're just walking around asking for tea and spotted dick.
15:13On the balcony.
15:15Occasionally someone gives you a Lamborghini.
15:17And you all have Jamaican accents.
15:19What was that?
15:20Well, let's zero back in again.
15:22Katherine, you are representing Ireland.
15:24Sarah comes on stage, she says hello.
15:26Why do you hate her?
15:31I mean, a lot of reasons, but I think...
15:35Not to make it too personal,
15:37I actually think there's a nice turning point at the moment for Britain
15:40in that you are finally ruining things for yourselves as well.
15:44So props to you.
15:46And I think that's quite novel and nice.
15:48I think it might be a proximity thing as well.
15:50I think because, of course, a lot of stuff happens in Ireland,
15:52but because it's right next door,
15:53your neighbours tend to hate each other even more.
15:55Because I'm from Malaysia, which is also an old empire country,
15:59and we're quiet, we're all right.
16:00We don't quite like the British.
16:01Really?
16:02Yeah, well, my mum's English,
16:03so one Malaysian really liked the British.
16:10And no, we don't mind the colonialists at all.
16:13It's the sex tourists we don't like.
16:16Oh, yeah.
16:17That's another thing.
16:19But you were saying, because we're making a mess of ourselves,
16:22you think that's more endearing.
16:23So if I went on stage in Ireland and said hello
16:25and then punched myself in the face, they'd like me more.
16:28Endearing is perhaps the wrong word, but enjoyable, certainly.
16:31Yes, I think so.
16:32One of the things we're not good at is putting across our argument.
16:35And I think sometimes what you've got to say is,
16:37look, we can all see the appeal of colonialism.
16:41Now, I like Menorca.
16:42We go on holiday every year.
16:44I'm not going to lie, sometimes I think,
16:46what if I killed everyone and then it was mine?
16:51Why don't we have air horns?
16:54We've got them to stop you.
16:57And then what I do dislike about Menorca
16:59tends to be the British people there.
17:02And then I think, what about a campaign of reverse colonialism
17:06where we go around killing all the British people
17:09and putting things back the way they were?
17:11A good old tidy up.
17:13Well, that's another example.
17:14The British Museum, the fact that we've got everyone's stuff
17:17and that there's no actual serious discussion in terms of...
17:20It's not popular, but we're going to have to give it back.
17:23It's tricky.
17:26I don't want to.
17:27I mean, from the countries of origin's point of view,
17:31it's a bit unfair, but from a tourist's point of view,
17:33it's very efficient to see everyone's stuff
17:37in one building with attached cafe.
17:39Oh, no, but...
17:41You can keep the cafe, you can just go to the countries...
17:44You can just go to Greece and see the old wind marvels.
17:46But they're so fun.
17:47You can go to all these countries.
17:48Another problem with Britain is I don't think we want to be liked.
17:51When people make too much of an effort to get to know us,
17:53we find it quite frightening.
17:55And this is a gentleman called Korean Billy,
17:57who does instructive videos teaching people not just British,
18:01but also the different dialects,
18:03and it comes across, I think, as a little bit patronising.
18:06Here's Billy.
18:15Hello, this is Billy.
18:16Today I'm going to talk about Liverpool dialect words.
18:20The first one is
18:22La is an abbreviation of lad,
18:24and Scousers usually say la instead of mate.
18:27Also, in Scouse, la is often put at the end of a sentence.
18:31The next one is
18:33I think you can guess what it means,
18:35as it looks similar to the original word.
18:37The next one is
18:39You know this word, right?
18:40Boss originally means someone who is in charge of an organisation,
18:44but in Scouse, boss means awesome.
18:47Then let's take a look at an example sentence.
18:57I know my Liverpudlian accent is not perfect,
18:59but I hope this one helps you to understand some Scouse.
19:04I'm simply going to speculate
19:06that if Billy walked into your average Liverpudlian greasy spoon
19:10and said
19:13I don't think they'd say
19:18I think they'd say
19:23So I'm going to log the worry.
19:24The worry is I worry that the world doesn't like Britain,
19:27and after some consideration,
19:29I'm going to log that as a moderate worry.
19:32And the reason I think that's moderate is
19:34you're probably right to say the world doesn't like us,
19:36but I think that's because of our behaviour,
19:39both now and in the past.
19:41So I have to say if they don't like us,
19:43it's probably because we don't want them to.
19:45So the world hating Great Britain is a moderate worry.
19:54And can I just say, that worry was boss, lad.
19:58Let's take a little break,
19:59after which we'll move on to my first worry of the night,
20:02which is
20:06See you in a bit.
20:10Coming up on Ultimate Worrier.
20:11Bang!
20:12Ooh!
20:13Ow!
20:15Hit me!
20:16Don't hit me.
20:26Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
20:28where tonight we're looking at worries related to global affairs.
20:31Before the break, I revealed our next worry of the night.
20:34I worry that nobody is keeping an eye on China.
20:37Now, did you know that about 13 years ago,
20:41China had the same-sized economy as the UK?
20:44So we're looking at about 2005.
20:46The Chinese economy and the UK economy were about the same size,
20:49about 2.7 trillion.
20:51After 2005, I'll be honest with you, things change a little bit.
20:56So to the current day,
20:57China has risen to an economy of over 12 trillion,
21:02and the UK has stayed roughly the same,
21:04like a sort of shit contestant in a game show.
21:07We've had a lovely day out.
21:09We're going to take the 2.7 trillion and we're going to go home
21:12and let Mr Xi Jinping have a crack at the jackpot.
21:17So let's have a discussion about some of the things
21:19that China is spending its money on.
21:21First of all, this is a headline from The Shanghaiist.
21:25China has an artificial sun that burns six times hotter than the real sun.
21:30But the sun is already too hot, said the ginger to the room.
21:34Why would they need another one?
21:36This is the Experimental Advanced Superconducting Tokamak Reactor.
21:41It's the hottest point in the solar system, this,
21:44which is great news for men who like to make women feel uncomfortable in baths.
21:49Excuse me, darling, are you the Tokamak Reactor?
21:51Because you're the hottest thing I've ever seen.
21:55Not just content with replacing the sun,
21:57China is also building an artificial moon to light up the night skies.
22:02See, I like that one.
22:03You like the idea of an artificial moon?
22:05Because the moon looks lonely to me.
22:07I've always thought that.
22:09I don't look at the sun very often because it burns my eyes,
22:11but I often have a little cheeky peek, look at the moon.
22:15And I'd love him to have a friend.
22:17Right.
22:18Isn't this nice?
22:19That's not the new moon.
22:21That's just the old-fashioned, shitty old moon.
22:24Frigid old no-girlfriend moon up there,
22:27decimating into space while crying moon rock.
22:32Would you build a fake moon if you had limitless money,
22:34or would you spend it elsewhere?
22:35I'd want a second moon, but it's the other side of the moon.
22:38You only get to see one side.
22:39I want to see the other side.
22:41It looks the same.
22:42So that you can then say,
22:43hey, we're being mooned by the moon.
22:50I mean, that was funny.
22:51Moon, moon.
22:52I enjoyed that a lot more than anyone else.
22:55I don't know about you, but we're right there.
22:58Do you know what I think the problem might be?
22:59And I count myself as not a stupid man.
23:01I did not know that we only ever see the same side of the moon.
23:04I knew the phrase dark side of the moon,
23:06and I thought it just meant the side you can't see at any point.
23:09I didn't know...
23:10You didn't learn about it at school?
23:12I mean, maybe I was off sick that day.
23:15Would it be quicker to say what you did know about the moon?
23:20I think John Richardson will be known as moon twat from here on out.
23:27I still don't know why sometimes you can see the moon during the day.
23:32Yeah, that's got you all in it.
23:34I'm not the only moon twat now, am I?
23:37Moon twat and the space knobs, now we are.
23:40Sorry, moon twat.
23:44So then we get into the slightly more nefarious realm of censorship
23:47and things like that.
23:48So this is a headline from the Evening Standard.
23:50This Chinese app tells you if you're within 500 metres of someone in debt.
23:54The name of the app translates into English as
23:56The Map of Deadbeat Debtors.
23:58So the idea is, as part of China's new social credit rating system,
24:02every citizen is recognised by facial recognition software
24:06and a tab is kept on whether or not you're a good citizen.
24:09And it's part of a wider system of measurement
24:12of what they deem to be a good or a bad citizen.
24:16I think the software is right, but the application is wrong.
24:19It's none of our business if people are in debt,
24:21and if they are, you should help them.
24:23However, I'm not against a system where I get to judge
24:25who is a good or a bad member of society.
24:27So that's not necessarily a bad thing.
24:29So I've come up with my own scoring system.
24:32This is the Ricoh credit score.
24:34So vegetarians, plus 10 points.
24:36Vegans, plus a further 10 points.
24:39Saying H instead of H, minus 2 points.
24:43Anyone who burps in public, plus 5 points.
24:47I really love a burp.
24:48I've never heard a burp that didn't make me feel happier
24:50than before I heard that burp.
24:52Anyone who recommends me a podcast, minus 5 points.
24:57Anyone with a podcast, minus 100 points.
25:00Anyone who puts their bag on the train seat
25:02so the person can't sit on it, minus 5 points.
25:04Anyone who wears shoes without socks, minus 10 points.
25:07Anyone who wears those shoes that look like gloves,
25:09minus 500 points.
25:11Anyone who I think looks a bit weird, minus 100 points.
25:15Anyone who isn't me, minus 1,000 points,
25:17with the exception of Rick Stein, plus 10 points if you're Rick Stein.
25:20And I think you can see from that, it is easy to get carried away
25:23with this kind of thing.
25:25So we're going to log the worry that no-one is keeping an eye on China.
25:28Who do you think should be keeping an eye on China?
25:30Yeah, who's the eye that's looking?
25:32I'll have a peek.
25:35I mean, I'm fairly busy at the moment.
25:37Well, the hairy bikers.
25:43Why did you pick the hairy bikers?
25:46They've got the transport sorted.
25:50It'd be nice for Chinese people to see what facial hair looks like.
25:55Sorry. I'm allowed.
25:58So, I'm going to log the worry now.
26:00I'm going to log the worry that nobody's keeping an eye on China.
26:03And clearly, that has to be a severe worry.
26:08I'm quite happy with the sun we've got.
26:10I've got a real fondness for the moon, although I know nothing about it.
26:13And I have to say, the idea of secretly keeping tabs
26:16on every citizen in your country
26:18is one of the most sinister things I've heard in a long time.
26:20So China goes in as a severe worry.
26:25Now, every show, one of our guests carries out some extra research
26:29on one of their worries.
26:31This week, that person is Catherine.
26:33So, Catherine, what have you got for the worry index?
26:35I am worried about micronations.
26:37Micronations? Yeah.
26:39Tell me, what is a micronation?
26:41OK, so it's basically like a small space, like a flat,
26:44that has just declared itself a country.
26:46It's just like a dude, and it is largely dudes, who've gone,
26:51I want a country, so now my house is my country.
26:54I'm not hearing anything bad so far.
26:57How many are there of these things?
26:59400. 400?
27:01On record, internationally, so far.
27:03Shall we have a look at some, so people can get an idea
27:06of what the vibe is?
27:08So this is the favourite micronation I've seen so far.
27:11It's right here in the UK, so you can visit.
27:14It's called Austanasia.
27:16Still of Austanasia.
27:18And I tell you what, if they can keep a Ford Escort of that age
27:21in that condition, they're doing something right.
27:25Austanasia has two residents,
27:27Jane Austen and Stone Cold Steve Austen.
27:30Minister for Sport is Austin Healey,
27:33and of course, Chancellor of being shagadelic is Austin Powers.
27:37It was founded in 2008, and this is, I guess,
27:40what you're talking about, just a bloke who's adding off, really.
27:44Here's a clip of the coronation of Emperor Terry.
27:51I promise to rule fairly and wisely,
27:54to defend Austanasia and to enforce and abide by its laws.
28:00As founder and Prime Minister,
28:02I crown you, Terry Roy Austin, Emperor of Austanasia.
28:07LAUGHTER
28:11That's a Minister of Defence.
28:16But what I don't... I understand they're basically saying
28:18the house is now Austanasia, but what I don't understand
28:20is the sort of ramifications of that.
28:22So does he have to say, like,
28:24oh, I'm just nipping abroad to get some chips?
28:26Yeah. Yeah, so, like, a lot of them have their own currencies
28:29and their own postal services and their own passports,
28:31so I assume he has to go through...
28:33The dog's passport control. That could be it. Yeah.
28:36Do these people communicate with each other?
28:38Oh, yeah, so they have, like, a UN summit equivalent every year
28:41called Microcon.
28:43This is Microcon.
28:44And that, to me, is just a group of fairly ordinary people.
28:47I mean, I can't see any problem with...
28:52I can't see any problem with this guy.
28:54And those are all legitimate army badges I get, aren't they?
28:56Oh, of course.
28:57Not one of them just with a picture of a badger on it
28:59that he's made himself.
29:01I'm guessing this lady here is frequently accused
29:04of bringing the whole movement into disrepute.
29:07So, look, Karen, if you're going to dress like that,
29:09it makes the rest of us who are just dressed as Dark Lords
29:12look fucking stupid.
29:13Anyone tempted to set up their own micro-nation?
29:16Oh, I'd absolutely set up my own country.
29:18What would you call it?
29:20Er, Wangstadam.
29:26Got a flag?
29:29Our flag is the aubergine emoji.
29:34Our national dish is aubergine.
29:39I only found out what the aubergine emoji meant last week.
29:42I've definitely sent that to my Auntie Pam.
29:47I thought it was just, like, a nice food thing.
29:49Well, you sent it by itself to your Auntie Pam.
29:52No, I put the emoji and then a question mark.
29:56That's a perfectly normal conversation, isn't it?
29:59So, I asked you as part of this to go and research
30:02the oldest micro-nation on the planet.
30:04Mm-hm. Did you manage?
30:06So, the oldest one is beautiful. There it is, it's Sealand.
30:09Isn't it stunning? It's so picturesque.
30:11It looks beautiful.
30:13This is an abandoned gun fort in the North Sea
30:16and it was claimed by a man in 1968
30:19and his name is Paddy Roy Bates, which I think tells you a lot.
30:24And he went there in 1968 and set up a pirate radio station
30:27and I think it's, like, you know, a classic tale
30:29where you set up your own pirate radio station
30:31and things get out of hand and then you declare
30:33this to be your nation state.
30:35Oh, that's beautiful. Isn't it gorgeous?
30:37I mean, I'm surprised more people haven't moved there, to be honest.
30:40Yeah, I know, it's amazing. I mean, they actually get
30:42200 applicants for citizenship a day since Brexit,
30:45so watch out, because they might do.
30:47Also, Ralph Little played for their national football team.
30:52There he is.
30:53Yeah, they're not making the Royal Family anymore.
30:55Yep, I'll come.
30:56Studs up over the ball. I guess he didn't see 90 minutes.
30:59Yeah.
31:00It's a straight red, as far as I'm concerned.
31:03Couldn't see where the football pitch was on that last picture.
31:05They had to play on British soil, I think.
31:08Oh, how embarrassing. Yeah.
31:10I tried to visit, but then you have to be airlifted on a swing
31:14and because of wind, we couldn't go.
31:16So if it's windy, you can't go. No, sadly, no.
31:18Presumably, if it's the seas are bad, you can't go. Yeah.
31:21Presumably, if it's, like, snowing, you can't go.
31:23I doubt you can go.
31:24Has anyone ever been?
31:26I know, it's hard to believe outside of Britain, but...
31:31But they sent you a gift.
31:34I like these people.
31:35They have made you...
31:38..a lord. Lord Moontwack.
31:40Lord Moontwack from New Zealand. Holy shit.
31:42Is that real, then? Am I a lord? Yeah, you're a lord.
31:45And they sent you this.
31:47That's pretty cool, isn't it?
31:50I mean, that, I'll be honest, I could take or leave.
31:53It's going to look a tad pretentious on the front of a Ford C-MAX,
31:56that, I'm not going to lie to you.
31:59And you've got more? Yep.
32:01No way. Yes.
32:03Baron Phil Wang.
32:05How cool is that? Thank you.
32:07Lady Sarah Pascoe. Oh, my gosh.
32:09The thing is, because it looks so professional,
32:11I think this might work.
32:12If someone was drunk enough, and I was like,
32:14actually, I'm a lady.
32:16And you are? Baroness.
32:18I think Baroness Bohart might be the coolest sounding of all of them.
32:22It's good, right?
32:23So, Catherine, we're going to log your worry now about micronations,
32:27and without shadow of a doubt, that is as low a worry as it gets.
32:30What? Now, don't get me wrong, you've raised some real concerns.
32:33Some of those people are definitely a bit dodgy,
32:35but I won't speak ill of anybody who gives me a title.
32:38Imagine Geoffrey Archer's face when I rock up at the Lord,
32:41sat next to him.
32:42J-Dog, good to see you. You're out.
32:45Micronations is a low worry.
32:52That's it for this part.
32:53Join us after the break when I'll be made to suffer
32:55in the name of entertainment
32:56as I confront my biggest worry of the night.
32:58I'll see you in a bit. His Lordship demands rest.
33:05Coming up next...
33:09Don't make me wet the tip of the puddle.
33:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:21Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
33:23where we've been looking into the theme of global affairs.
33:26Now it's time to move on to my most pressing global affairs worry,
33:30which is...
33:39I don't know what your fucking problem is.
33:43This cardigan-wearing, pot-bellied, increasingly asthmatic man
33:47makes you think, I won't survive.
33:49I mean, it's a cheery one.
33:50It sort of takes us red that the world is ending soon,
33:53which is fucking depressing, isn't it?
33:55To be positive, we got to find out the ending.
33:58We got to be there. It's not like, oh, what's going to happen?
34:01Yeah, we get to see it.
34:02And we're talking like a big, just societal meltdown.
34:05Yeah. I think, like, just barren wasteland.
34:08The thing is, it's too scary trying to survive
34:10if you're one of the few people left,
34:12and suddenly there's no laws, there's no rules,
34:14it's competitive, people will kill you for your stuff.
34:17You don't want to be there for that bit.
34:19But it's an opportunity to reinvent yourself, like university.
34:25Maybe I'm into Ultimate Frisbee now.
34:27Maybe I'm bisexual.
34:29What did you try?
34:30Bisexuality, don't worry.
34:34It's not for you. It's a first-term thing.
34:36It's a first-term thing. You won't like it.
34:38I...
34:40I said I wouldn't like mullifruit corners, and I did.
34:44I ate them separately.
34:50Up until now, my tactic has mainly been to hide
34:53in situations of high peril.
34:56This, to me, is the greatest piece of hiding technology
35:02I have ever seen.
35:08MUSIC PLAYS
35:24Where did the woman go?
35:26So they're all women?
35:30My issue with that is I think in a post-apocalyptic scenario,
35:33the thing not to disguise yourself as when people are starving
35:36is a fridge full of delicious sugary snacks.
35:39I think I am an excellent hider.
35:42Who thinks they're a really good finder?
35:45Sarah Pascoe. Yeah. OK?
35:47You shut your eyes, proper hands over the eyes, no peeking.
35:50Yeah. When you hear the klaxon,
35:52that's when you can start looking for me.
35:57I really hope that there is a good hiding place.
36:00BUZZER
36:02LAUGHTER
36:05You don't actually expect me to come over there
36:08and find you like a five-year-old, do you?
36:11Don't.
36:13LAUGHTER
36:16Decoy!
36:18APPLAUSE
36:23That's a cool plant. Classic decoy.
36:26Decoy? That's a Japanese lady.
36:28This is my decoy job.
36:30LAUGHTER
36:32APPLAUSE
36:39My problem is, every episode I've ever seen
36:41of these sort of end-of-the-world shows,
36:43the people who are best prepared
36:45are really just preparing for the bigger boys.
36:47So I'd have a full larder, then what would happen?
36:49Episode one, the big gang come, they beat the shit out of me,
36:53they take all my stuff, and that's the bit I take umbrage at.
36:56My ex-boyfriend was on the way to being a prepper
36:59and he used to give me scenarios to practise.
37:02Yeah, we've all done role-play.
37:04LAUGHTER
37:06So he would say, there's been a nuclear explosion,
37:09you've got half an hour till the poison gets here,
37:11how do you use your time?
37:13And they'd be like, you didn't run the bath to get all the water out
37:15before it was contaminated!
37:17Ah, so ex-boyfriend.
37:19LAUGHTER
37:21He left me.
37:23For someone with a bigger cellar.
37:26Now, Phil, how are you defending yourself come the end?
37:29Well, I actually have a black belt in Shaolin
37:33because I'm a proud stereotype.
37:37I got the black belt a little easily through some nepotism.
37:40I knew the instructor.
37:42It was my dad.
37:44LAUGHTER
37:46He kind of rushed me through the course.
37:48But yeah, I know some Shaolin.
37:50Can you teach me something? I'll teach you some, yeah!
37:52Yeah. Absolutely.
37:54So the thing you want to do is you want to keep open, right?
37:57And first you want to scare them off by making the right war cry.
38:02Like that.
38:04It's really great. It's like James Brown.
38:06It's like the beginning of James Brown, the dance move.
38:08Yeah. So it's funky and scary.
38:10I've had a quite...
38:12Ow! Hit me!
38:14Don't hit me.
38:16LAUGHTER
38:18And so if you're on a defensive stance,
38:20there's two hands open there.
38:22You're not scared, you just look...
38:24And so that means if someone wants to punch you,
38:26as everyone wants to do, they feel ready to,
38:28and you can just come in and swing that over.
38:30Yeah, there you go.
38:32And I'm now open for your attack. Bang!
38:34Great.
38:36Another good one is if someone comes at you with, like, a low kick.
38:38So if you give me a low kick,
38:40they leave themselves open and you can...
38:42Ooh!
38:44Ooh!
38:46That's nearly my ball back.
38:48LAUGHTER
38:50Keep me in the ball back, then.
38:52LAUGHTER
38:56Do you have any weak points?
38:58Don't think so.
39:00Only my...
39:02A person is weaker when their joints are bent,
39:04so if you can bend someone's wrist that way,
39:06then you can...
39:08Ooh!
39:10Oh, you present the rest of the show.
39:12LAUGHTER
39:14But I feel equipped.
39:16APPLAUSE
39:18Thank you.
39:24Now, as it's only a matter of time
39:26before we're all fighting for survival
39:28in the car park of our local Morrisons,
39:30I've set up a little simulation
39:32that I hope might toughen me up
39:34over there in my worry lab.
39:36Spooky.
39:38LAUGHTER
39:40So I have my sort of end-of-the-world scenario.
39:42My shopping trolley.
39:44That's worth a quid already, right?
39:46So you want to hold on to your shopping trolley.
39:48And in the shopping trolley
39:50are a number of salvaged items
39:52that I want to fight for.
39:54This is a picture of my wife,
39:56sadly killed at the end of Series 1.
40:00LAUGHTER
40:02This is one of my cherished VHSes
40:04featuring Hocus Pocus
40:06and Princess Diana's funeral.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:10Catherine, Dust Buster.
40:12Yes, nice!
40:14And this, the most cherished item of them all,
40:16the last tub on Earth
40:18of vegan ice cream.
40:20LAUGHTER
40:22So this is my trolley. The fear is
40:24the big boys are coming.
40:26We all know out there are the big boys
40:28and I have to defend myself
40:30using what is in the trolley
40:32against the big boys.
40:34So I'm going to use what Phil Wang has taught me
40:36and at some point there's going to be an attack
40:38and I am fully braced.
40:40Oh, no, Jon!
40:42LAUGHTER
40:44Get in the filing cabinet!
40:46This is double concentrated.
40:48Wah! Oh, I've forgotten already
40:50everything.
40:52LAUGHTER
40:56Oh, no!
40:58It's going away!
41:00It's going to put concentrated
41:02tomato on it. I was going to cook
41:04a squirrel bolognese.
41:06LAUGHTER
41:08LAUGHTER
41:10Don't make me wet the tip in a puddle!
41:12LAUGHTER
41:14Oh!
41:16APPLAUSE
41:18APPLAUSE
41:20APPLAUSE
41:22APPLAUSE
41:24APPLAUSE
41:26APPLAUSE
41:30Flying turtle!
41:32LAUGHTER
41:34Oh!
41:36LAUGHTER
41:38Oh!
41:40In...sexual?
41:42LAUGHTER
41:44APPLAUSE
41:46APPLAUSE
41:48APPLAUSE
41:50APPLAUSE
41:52Still got my trolley.
41:54At least they didn't get that.
41:56Well, that's it for this week's Ultimate Warrior.
41:58We're going to...
42:00LAUGHTER
42:02LAUGHTER
42:04I don't think that's one of the...
42:06Right, let's log the worry.
42:08LAUGHTER
42:10I won't be able to survive until the end of the world!
42:12LAUGHTER
42:14APPLAUSE
42:16APPLAUSE
42:18APPLAUSE
42:20APPLAUSE
42:22APPLAUSE
42:24APPLAUSE
42:26Well...
42:28I think it's fair to say this is a severe worry.
42:30LAUGHTER
42:32I repeat, my ability to survive the end of the world
42:34is a severe worry.
42:36APPLAUSE
42:38CHEERING
42:40LAUGHTER
42:42That's it for this week on Ultimate Warrior.
42:44Thanks to my guests Catherine Bohart, Phil Wang and Sarah Pascoe!
42:46CHEERING
42:48Thanks for watching.
42:50I'll see you next time, but you won't see me.
42:52I'll be crouched inside a filing cabinet crying.
42:54Goodnight!
42:56APPLAUSE
42:58CHEERING
43:00APPLAUSE
43:02MUSIC
43:32CHEERING