• 3 months ago
Frasier Season 4 Episode 22 Are You Being Ser Ved

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TV
Transcript
00:00Well, that's our show for today. But before we close, I'd like to invite you all to join us here at KACL in wishing a fond farewell to our happy chef, Leo Pasquale, as he bubble wraps his crepe pan and heads south towards sunny Santa Fe.
00:21Leo, you stirred us with your passion, melted us with your charm, added spice to our lives. Now, as you whisk yourself away, let's not say goodbye, but rather ta-ta for now.
00:44This is Dr. Fraser Crane, KACL 780.
00:48Well, at least you stopped short of saying, I'll be frickin' seeing you.
00:55You ready to go to Leo's party?
00:56Oh, dear God, there is nothing I detest more than a KACL goodbye party. They're all the same. A twist-top wine with a bunch of people standing around awkwardly, trying to summon up some affection for someone they hardly even know. It always ends up reeking of insincerity.
01:15What are we gonna do, Doc? He's leaving us.
01:20Bulldog and Leo were tied.
01:22Bulldog certainly is.
01:25I love that guy, man. He'd give me all his leftovers.
01:30I warn Leo, you keep feeding him, he'll keep coming back.
01:34You going to the party?
01:36Well, actually, I think I'm going to pass.
01:38Oh, come on, Doc. You gotta at least have a drink. Give him a hug.
01:41That is precisely what I'm trying to avoid. Since when did we become a society of huggers? We hug for everything nowadays. Hello, hug. Congratulations, hug. Nice haircut, hug. It's absurd. I mean, if we want to express some real emotion for someone, I mean, where is there left to go?
02:01I've had good luck with the storage closet.
02:06You know, I think you're way too uptight about that.
02:08No, no, no. I see the Doc's point. We all have different ways of saying goodbye. Me, I prefer this method. Get out!
02:16Oh, come on! I gotta show him!
02:21Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
02:31Well, in that case, you should outlive Styrofoam.
02:39Frazier, you made it!
02:42Oh, Leo, you know I wouldn't miss saying goodbye to you for the world.
02:46Oh, Leo, we're going to miss you so much!
02:49We sure are.
02:52Oh, what the heck.
02:57You have no idea how hard this is for me.
03:01Thank you.
03:04I must say, Niles, that is a striking tie you're wearing.
03:08Thank you. It was a gift from Maris. She had it made for me to commemorate the end of that dreadful winter she had her obesity scare.
03:16Oh, yes.
03:19I remember her smiling.
03:22Oh, yes.
03:23In that dreadful winter she had her obesity scare.
03:26Oh, yes.
03:29I remember her struggle to lose that holiday pound.
03:37After she'd restored her figure, she had Yoshi set fire to a hippopotamus topiary she felt had taunted her.
03:45Then, as a visual reminder never to let herself go again, she had this tie made for me out of the legs of her fat pants.
03:53Thank you.
03:55You know, I would think wearing a tie that Maris gave you might make you feel a little bit melancholic.
04:03On the contrary. I have every reason to believe Maris and I may be on the road to reconciliation.
04:09Really?
04:11I told her I couldn't stand being in separation limbo anymore, and unless she wanted the marriage to end, we simply had to get into counseling.
04:19And she agreed?
04:21Her exact words were, I'll think about it, but I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
04:33Congratulations.
04:35Thank you.
04:37The foam is a tad listless today.
04:40I can tell without looking they've got Chad back on steamer duty.
04:45You are good.
04:47Excuse me, Dr. Niles Crane?
04:50I am.
04:52Here.
04:55Who's sending you this?
04:57Notice. Petition for divorce.
05:01Sorry, man.
05:03Cool tie.
05:07I don't know what to say.
05:08Oh.
05:10It's all right.
05:12Would have been nice if we'd given therapy a try, but, uh, so be it.
05:17I know this is a little consolation, but, you know, to be applauded for the way you're handling this, a lesser man would panic.
05:23Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'll get her back.
05:25No, hold her up, hold her up.
05:27You've got too much dignity to let yourself beg.
05:30Please give me my phone back.
05:32No, please. Stop, please. Stop, please. Stop, stop it!
05:35Now, listen, I know you're upset now, but let's remember why you left Maris in the first place.
05:40You were tired of groveling.
05:42Yes, but I'm rested now.
05:47Fine!
05:50Go ahead and toddle on back to Maris.
05:53Let her grind you under her boot heel for another twelve years.
05:56Rob you of whatever self-respect you've still retained.
05:58Then we can have this conversation all over again.
06:01I was unhappy, wasn't I?
06:03You were miserable.
06:07I'm sorry.
06:10It's just a lot to take in.
06:12Twelve years of my life, gone.
06:17Don't think of it as a loss, but rather an opportunity for growth.
06:21It's not an ending, it's a treasure.
06:24No offence, but I'm familiar with all the platitudes, I...
06:27I've just been served the divorce papers, I need a little time to let it sink in.
06:31If you don't mind, maybe we could not talk about it for a while.
06:34Of course.
06:36Hi, can I get you guys anything?
06:38No, thank you. We've already been served.
06:40Oh.
06:46Sorry.
06:58Oh, you're back.
07:01Yeah, I never should have left.
07:03The park was a disaster.
07:05You remember that outfit Mrs. Foster knitted Eddie for Christmas?
07:09Well, I bumped into her in the lobby and she said that she was going to be going to the park.
07:14And I thought, well, it would be rude if I didn't at least have him wear it one time, you know?
07:19Eddie, get in here.
07:22Eddie, get in here.
07:34Look at the poor guy, he's humiliated.
07:39And then, of course, you didn't even show up there, but you know who was there?
07:43Duke, and two guys from the old precinct.
07:46Oh, Marty, glad to see you got something to do now that you're retired.
07:49Hey, Marty, if I buy you some wool, would you knit something for me?
07:54Well, it could have been worse.
07:57You could have been wearing the hat she made for you.
08:00Oh, dear.
08:04Would you take that off for me? It just looks so pathetic.
08:08Oh, come here, you poor little fella.
08:11What's in the box?
08:13Oh, nothing. Just some old stuff I was taking down to the storage room.
08:16Oh, great. Well, you take this with it.
08:19Oh, just set that on top.
08:21Oh, no, it'll fall off if I do.
08:24Hey, this is my stuff.
08:27It's a box of junk.
08:29That's not junk.
08:31Oh, rubbish. It's a bunch of useless gadgets you haven't used in years.
08:35Like this remote control to God knows what.
08:39Useless.
08:41Just like this, whatever it is.
08:43That's a Steam Master 2000, like on TV, live, live, wrinkle free.
08:48It even comes with an attachment that cooks Chinese vegetables.
08:55That would be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.
08:59Is that something we shouldn't talk about?
09:01Oh, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.
09:03Dad, I'm sorry. I don't think he's ready to talk about it, so we're not talking about it.
09:06Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?
09:13Dive.
09:14Afternoon, all.
09:16Hello, Dr. Graves.
09:18I appreciate your concern, but I'm really doing quite well with all of this.
09:23Everything's going to be fine.
09:25Oh, well, that's good. I just hope you've got a good divorce lawyer,
09:28because you've been married a long time, and you've got to make sure you get your fair share.
09:32Well, according to the terms of our prenuptial agreement, I believe I'm wearing my fair share.
09:38Well, take a tip from your own man.
09:39You get over there and take possession of your personal belongings
09:43before they box them up and toss them out.
09:46When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a dustbin?
09:50You know, I was on a case once where the wife constantly nagged the husband like this.
09:54You never put anything in the garbage.
09:56Why don't you ever put anything in the garbage?
09:58Well, he should have listened to you.
10:00Oh, he did, and that's where we found her.
10:01That's where we found her.
10:07You know, I think Daphne's fighting an uphill battle with this little project of hers.
10:14What's that?
10:16It's a journal.
10:21Isn't that Mother's handwriting?
10:23These must be notes from one of her research projects.
10:27It's hard to imagine two male siblings who could be more different than Frasier and Niles.
10:34Good heavens, it's about us.
10:36Though both are highly intelligent, Frasier is clearly the more dominant of the two,
10:41while Niles remains extremely passive.
10:43Fascinating.
10:48Frasier never seems to get enough at mealtime.
10:51He's nearly twice the size of Niles and often goes to bed late.
10:54He's nearly twice the size of Niles and often, when he thinks I'm not looking, steals his brother's food.
11:05What Niles lacks in a certainness, he makes up for in an abnormally fussy grooming regimen.
11:15Frasier is exhibiting clearly antisocial tendencies.
11:18In fact, he is extremely uncomfortable with touch, seeming to recoil from all human contact.
11:24What does it say there?
11:26All right, I added extremely, but it's right there.
11:31Good Lord.
11:33This goes rather close to the bone.
11:36Just yesterday, Roz was accusing me of the same thing.
11:39I always thought it was just an aversion to social hugging, but apparently it goes deeper than that.
11:46Maybe this is something I should work on. What do you think?
11:55Niles.
11:57April 3rd.
11:59Niles remains as docile as ever.
12:02He constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated, especially by females.
12:10You shouldn't let that upset you. You've broken that pattern.
12:13You could have knuckled under and gone groveling back to Maris, but you didn't.
12:18You know, Niles, I don't think I've ever been more proud of you.
12:32Oh, Frasier, this is awful.
12:35Well, pardon me for trying. I am new at it.
12:38No, no, no, you don't understand. I did go groveling back to Maris.
12:43What?
12:45I sent the divorce papers back unsigned, along with a letter begging her to take me back.
12:50Niles, you didn't.
12:52Of course I did. You read the journal. It's who I am.
12:56Well, how did she respond?
12:58Well, she hasn't yet. I just messengered it to her this morning.
13:01It's her spa day. She won't be home until...
13:08I still have time to get that letter back.
13:10I'm going with you. You're a good brother.
13:13This may be my last chance to prove, once and for all, that I'm not the sort of man who...
13:19Whatever Mother said.
13:21Constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated, especially by females.
13:24I might have known you'd memorize it.
13:26I'm sorry.
13:29You're right, that was harsh. Come here.
13:32Oh, get away.
13:41Niles, I'm still a little uneasy about this. What if one of the servants sees us?
13:46Impossible. They always use Maris' spa day to play hooky.
13:50I just hope she hasn't changed the locks.
13:56What do you know?
14:02This is sort of exciting.
14:04Even as a child, I always fancied I might make a first-rate society cat burglar.
14:09I think I'm right.
14:11Yes, all it takes is stealth, cunning, and a key to the door.
14:20The letter should be over here with the rest of Maris' unopened mail.
14:24Yep, there it is. Let's go.
14:30Fraser, look, it's my puppy.
14:33Oh, I've missed you. Hello, Gestalt. Hello, Gerhardt.
14:39Well, I suppose it looks a bit agitated to you.
14:43Well, that's because they're excited to see that the Lord has returned to the manor.
14:47Hello, boys.
14:51Oh, my God. She hasn't changed the locks, she changed the dogs.
14:55Quick, maybe we can make it to the front door.
14:58Right.
15:09They're toying with us.
15:12What are we going to do?
15:14Well, I guess we're just going to have to wait until Lady Baskerville comes back from the spa.
15:20And explain our presence how?
15:23Oh, I do see your point.
15:26We have to find some way to distract those beasts and make our escape.
15:30Wait, Tuesday is Swedish meatball night for the staff.
15:34Cook always keeps them in the refrigerator.
15:37No, we can't feed them raw meat, it'll only stimulate their bloodlust.
15:41Just listen, one of our old dogs used to be spooked by thunderstorms.
15:45The vet told us half of one of Maris' green pills would allow him to sleep safely right through the storm.
15:51You get the meat, I'll get the pills.
15:53Half of one of Maris' green pills would allow him to sleep safely right through the storm.
15:58You get the meat, I'll get the pills.
16:00Right. Wait! One of Maris' is out of pills.
16:07Oh, I see. Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.
16:17Niles, that's three meatballs in a row right in the koi pond.
16:24Stop trying to throw.
16:27Just drop them. You can drop straight, can't you?
16:34Was that a splat or a splash?
16:36A splat.
16:38Do it again.
16:41Excellent, they're eating it. All right, that's enough.
16:45Good boys. Yes, that's right. Eat hearty.
16:48Oh, you missed one. Right over there in the garden by the tulips.
16:51Oh, there's a few more there in the koi pond next to the...
16:55sleeping koi.
17:09Niles.
17:11Niles, this painting here in the living room, you've always had this?
17:15The one of Maris and me in the garden? Yes, we had it commissioned on our third anniversary.
17:19No, no, it must be a different painting. This is Maris next to a really big tree.
17:24No, there's no tree in that painting.
17:28Oh, my God.
17:31She's had me completely painted out.
17:36I don't think I can take much more of this.
17:39In that case, I wouldn't look too closely at the face of that skunk in the flowerbed.
17:50Ah!
17:56Here.
17:58I suppose it's only fitting that I be commemorated in this household as a laughingstock.
18:03She's always run roughshod over me.
18:06Look around. This entire room is a monument to my spinelessness.
18:11How so?
18:13This Dresden Shepherdess?
18:16A peace offering I made to Maris when I was foolish enough to point out an extra syllable in a haiku she'd written.
18:22There's another item. Anything.
18:25Oh, that candelabra.
18:27Louis Quatorze.
18:29What better way to apologize for the time I attempted to grow a mustache?
18:34I think you owe us all a candelabra for that.
18:37Charles, look. It seems to be working. The dogs are getting drowsy.
18:42You know, if just once Maris had given in, in all those years, I might think there was hope for our marriage.
18:50But she never budged an inch.
18:52Even on those rare occasions when I reported back to you that I had prevailed, I knew.
19:00I don't know why I thought I could convince her with that couple's thing.
19:04Convince her with that couple's therapy idea.
19:11Well, I'm not going to be her whipping boy anymore.
19:16What are you doing?
19:18I'm signing the divorce papers. If she wants to initiate proceedings, let's proceed.
19:25Miles, you know I'll support any decision you make, but are you sure?
19:32Absolutely.
19:34Good.
19:44That's done.
19:47Are you okay?
19:51I will be.
19:55Looks like the dogs are asleep. Should we go?
19:57Oh, I don't know. You know, maybe they're just playing possum with us.
20:00Oh, frankly, I don't care.
20:03After what I've just done, you think I'm going to let a couple of dogs frighten me?
20:07This is the last time I'm leaving this house, I'm going to walk through that door with my head held high.
20:13Good for you.
20:15I'm going to run like hell out the front door.
20:17Wait up.
20:21Now, the beauty of the hot and foamy is the ultra-quick heating action.
20:27You just plug it in, and two minutes later, presto, guess what comes out?
20:32Well, the obvious answer would be shaving cream, so I'll go with music.
20:39You had a lot of sassy things to say about my cold steamer, too.
20:43But didn't those snow peas taste delicious?
20:49Hello.
20:51Where did you two slip off to?
20:53Oh, I just had some papers to sign.
20:56Thanks, yes.
20:58Niles has decided to begin divorce proceedings.
21:02I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.
21:04It's okay, I feel good about it.
21:07We thought it might be nice to have a family dinner this evening at Chez Chez, so we stopped by to invite the two of you to join us.
21:15Oh, that would be nice. I'll just go and freshen up.
21:18Yeah, sounds great. And Niles, I'm proud of you.
21:22I know this isn't easy, but in the long run, I know you'll be happier.
21:26I'm damn sure I will be.
21:31Bill, I can't believe it. It's really over.
21:35If you choose, you'll never have to see Maris again.
21:38Oh, please. Half the time I couldn't see her when she was standing right in front of me.
21:53I can't breathe, Niles.
21:57No, really, I can't breathe.
22:00Frasier, I signed divorce papers. What was I thinking?
22:03Oh, God, you're not having second thoughts.
22:05I don't know. When I was caught up in the adrenaline, it all seemed fine, but now in the clear light of day...
22:10No, no, Niles. It's only natural to feel a little bit shaky, but believe me, you made the right decision.
22:15How do I know that?
22:17Let's just check what prompted us to it.
22:19Here. Niles is incapable of asserting himself, especially in front of females.
22:26This is helping. As I write this, he lies, staring out the window, licking himself.
22:41What?
22:44He's become so subservient lately that when he finishes grooming himself, he often begins licking Frasier.
22:57I have no memory of that.
23:02April 14th, the day I've dreaded for weeks, Frasier died this morning.
23:11I never would have guessed that my heart could ache so over the death of my beloved lab rat.
23:19My only consolation is the knowledge that I will soon give birth to my first child.
23:27Frasier.
23:34Do you know what this means?
23:36My mother named us after rodents.
23:42No, it means I have ended my marriage to the woman I love based on the case history of a spineless rat.
23:51Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Maris has seen the papers. It's too late to take it back.
23:56Your reasoning was still sound.
23:58My reasoning? My reasoning was based on my mother's obsession with bourbon.
24:04What the hell's going on here?
24:06Niles is just a bit distraught.
24:08Distraught? My life is over!
24:11Oh, Niles, don't talk that way. My God, man, you've got to calm down.
24:14All right. All right. Let me scratch.
24:17Scratch some cold water on my face.
24:18Right. Right.
24:20Is he going to be all right? I've never seen him like this.
24:23Of course he'll be all right, Dad.
24:25Niles, just remember to keep breathing.
24:28And trust me, this is not the end. Your life is not over.
24:34Niles! Niles!
24:42Oh, my God.
24:49Oh, my God.
25:03Dr. Crane, are you all right?
25:06I'm fine.
25:10Just a little hot.
25:15And foamy.
25:18You know what must have happened? My hot and foamy must have exploded.
25:24He was a detective, you know.
25:38Hello.
25:41Yes, Maris.
25:44You are?
25:45You are?
25:48You do?
25:50You will?
25:52That's wonderful. I'll be right over. Goodbye.
25:58The divorce papers were a bluff.
26:01When I signed them, it completely threw her. She's willing to go into counseling.
26:05Oh, Niles, I'm so happy for you.
26:15Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:22Mercy
26:24And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:28Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged
26:31Ha, ha, ha, ha
26:34But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:40But I don't know what to do With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:48They're callin' again
26:52Scrambled eggs all over my face
26:55What is a boy to do?
27:00Good night, everybody!