Frasier Season 6 Episode 12 Our Parents Ourselves
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00:00I'm listening.
00:02Hi, Dr. Kring.
00:04My husband's having some of his friends over to watch the game on Sunday,
00:08and I think it'd be nice if some of my girlfriends could come over, too.
00:13Sounds reasonable.
00:14Exactly. I mean, it's just football.
00:17Not football, Einstein. The Super Bowl.
00:22Ah, that would be your doting husband now.
00:25Larry, this is a private conversation.
00:29And for God's sake, use up the slate.
00:33You know, Sophie, why don't you put your husband on the line?
00:35Pick up.
00:36Ah, jeez.
00:39Hello?
00:40Larry, I gotta tell you, I'm afraid I side with your wife on this one.
00:45That just proves you don't know the first thing about football.
00:48What I do or do not know about football has...
00:51Okay, how's this?
00:52My wife's friends can come over if you can answer even one little football question.
00:57No, I don't see that that's necessary.
00:58You're down by six. You're on your own 43 seconds left. What do you do?
01:03Well, all right. You would...
01:08You would...
01:11take your receivers...
01:14and line them up...
01:17and then throw a pass.
01:19A long, long pass.
01:21Yeah, and what's the name for that?
01:27A Hail Mary.
01:31Sophie and Larry, I hope you enjoy the game.
01:34In the meanwhile, this is Coach Crane saying, I'm listening.
01:42I'm impressed. You're so good at charades.
01:45I'm impressed you could mime a virgin.
01:51So, Ross, you walking out?
01:54No, I've got stuff to do.
01:56I've got some carts to rack, and I want to put together some best of Crane tapes.
02:01Oh, your mother's still in town?
02:02In town, in my apartment, and when I left this morning, in my refrigerator, smelling my milk.
02:08Oh, Lord.
02:09I love her. I just wish I could get a couple of hours to myself one night.
02:13Well, you know, why don't you just ask her?
02:15She might enjoy a little time to herself. I know my dad does.
02:18You are so lucky. I wish my mother drank alone.
02:24You know, Ross, your mom's about the same age as my dad, isn't she?
02:30Yeah, I guess.
02:32Does she date much?
02:33Since my father left, practically never. No, hang on.
02:37No, no, hear me out, Ross. Now, dad hasn't dated anybody since he and Sherry broke up.
02:42I'm starting to worry that he's lost his nerve.
02:44A date with your mom could be a tremendous favor to him.
02:49I don't know.
02:50Well, come on, I'll tell you what. I know it's awkward, but there's a way to minimize that.
02:54Niles and I are having dinner with him tonight.
02:56We'll take him to McGinty's. He'll feel comfortable.
02:58You and your mom can just, uh, happen by. We'll see what transpires, you know?
03:02They'll never even know it's a fix-up.
03:04Oh, what the hell. I'll give it a shot, I guess.
03:07Okay.
03:08How does five sound?
03:09Five. Your mother's ready for dinner at five?
03:12I keep her on Wisconsin time. That way she's in bed by eight.
03:20Hey, look what I got here, boys. A Funyun Onion.
03:25The chef sent it over with his compliments.
03:28I wonder what his insults are like.
03:31Hey, Barney.
03:32Hey, Amarni.
03:33Hello.
03:34Oh, you must be Frazier, the big radio star.
03:38Hello.
03:39Your dad is so proud of you.
03:41Poor dad.
03:42He talks about you all the time.
03:44Oh, thank you.
03:45Now, what's wrong with you? I told you about my other son.
03:48Oh, of course. What am I thinking?
03:51Nice to meet you, Eddie.
03:56Mrs. Niles, how about some beers, Barney?
03:59Coming right up.
04:03Oh.
04:04Oh, come on.
04:05Oh.
04:06Oh.
04:07Oh.
04:08Oh.
04:09Oh.
04:10Oh.
04:11Oh.
04:12Oh.
04:13Oh.
04:14Oh.
04:15There's a group coming in the door. They're from the Shangri-La.
04:19Whoa, it's the Coyote.
04:21Yes.
04:23Evening.
04:24Evening, Jimbo.
04:25Check you later.
04:29Wow, you got a nickname down there already.
04:32That's great, the Coyote.
04:34And how did you earn that honorific?
04:37Oh, it was quite the merry road.
04:40It evolved from Niles to Nilesy to Niley to Niley Coyote and now simply the Coyote.
04:53Just when I thought it couldn't be refined any further.
04:58Oh, goodness, look who's here.
05:01Roz.
05:03What?
05:05We don't see enough of each other during the day?
05:09Hello, Joanna.
05:11Oh, it's nice to see you again, Frasier.
05:13Nice to see you again, too.
05:15Please, won't you sit down and join us?
05:17Oh, no, no, we don't want to intrude.
05:19Oh, no, no, no, please, please, please, the more the merrier.
05:22All right.
05:23Mom, this is Frasier's dad, Martin Crane.
05:26This is my mother, Joanna Doyle.
05:28Very nice to meet you.
05:29And this is my other son, Niles.
05:31How do you do?
05:32It's a pleasure.
05:34Roz, would you just look at the two of them.
05:38How did you two manage to finish all that?
05:41Oh, please, this is how our generation ate every day.
05:45I used to live on cigarettes, whiskey sours and bacon cheeseburgers.
05:51Yeah, and what about breakfast?
05:53Fried eggs, sausage patties, hash browns?
05:56My God, last night I ate a profiterole and lay awake till dawn waiting for my heart attack.
06:04Those were simpler times, weren't they, Martin?
06:07Oh, yeah, we didn't worry about dumb things like cholesterol.
06:11We worried about putting food on the table, keeping the yard clean and the car shiny.
06:16And the H-bomb.
06:18Well, yeah.
06:21Say, Roz, you know, you better get going before they get our work done tonight.
06:25Oh, I should be running too.
06:27But Mom and I are going to that jazz club on the 5th.
06:30But we promised to finish those promos tonight.
06:33Oh, right.
06:35Mom, I'm sorry, I totally forgot.
06:38It's okay.
06:39Wait, I've got an idea.
06:42Dad, since I'm kidnapping Roz, why don't you take Joanna to the jazz club?
06:47Well, sure, I'd love to.
06:49Is that okay with you, Mom?
06:50If Martin's game, I'm game.
06:52Oh, well, perfect.
06:54Okay, you kids just have some coffee.
06:57We'll see you back at the apartment later, okay?
07:01Very, very nice to meet you.
07:06Look at them.
07:07They think we don't know this is a set-up.
07:10Well, how could we figure it out?
07:12We're just a retired detective and an attorney general.
07:17You were absolutely right.
07:19They didn't suspect a thing.
07:20I told you, Roz, just leave it to the master.
07:26God, I thought they'd be home by now.
07:29Roz, would you please relax and watch the pageant with us?
07:34We're right in the middle of the talent competition.
07:37It's shameless the way they're sucking up to the international panel of judges.
07:41Miss Germany just played Lady of Spain on a French horn.
07:46Yes, at least it wasn't half as bad as that tone-deaf performance by the aptly named Miss Singapore.
07:53Roz, you're going to chew that nail right off. Stop it.
07:56I can't help it. I'm nervous.
07:59Do you think it's going to turn out okay?
08:01Who cares?
08:02Not for Miss Brazil.
08:03Look at the tree trunks on her.
08:05She's her own little rainforest.
08:11I just keep worrying that she's going to have a lousy time,
08:14and it'll be all my fault.
08:16Screwing up, like always.
08:18Oh, come on.
08:20Roz, your mother doesn't think you're a screw-up.
08:22Yeah, in high school I ran my own informal shoplifting clinic.
08:27In college I dropped out of pre-law because it interfered with Bruce Springsteen's touring schedule.
08:34And now I'm currently an unwed mother.
08:37What would you call me?
08:38Tramp.
08:40Daphne!
08:42It's Miss Venezuela.
08:44If that dress of hers was slipped any higher, you could see coming.
08:49Oh, oh. Roz, you know what?
08:51So what if they don't get along?
08:53I mean, Marcus, we made a mistake.
08:55You don't understand.
08:56My mother doesn't make mistakes.
08:58She does everything well.
09:01She's smart, successful, classy.
09:04What the hell was I thinking?
09:07About what?
09:09Setting her up with my father?
09:11No, that's not what I meant.
09:13That is exactly what I meant.
09:15No, that's not what I meant.
09:17That is exactly what you meant.
09:19Well, okay, Fraser.
09:21No offense, your father is a very nice man, but let's face it.
09:25My mother was the Attorney General of Wisconsin.
09:29Well, I hope he remembers to curtsy before the Dairy Queen.
09:36This is ridiculous.
09:37I'm going to watch this in my room.
09:39Miss Finland just laid out a plan to end world hunger, and I missed it.
09:44Oh, Lord.
09:46Okay.
09:48Oh, Roz, that is the best promo of all.
09:53Oh, hi.
09:54Oh, how was your evening?
09:56Oh, the jazz was first rate.
09:59But I'm afraid I talked Martin's ear off.
10:02Oh, you're crazy.
10:03Your mother tells wonderful stories.
10:05Roz, I could have listened to her all night.
10:07You are either too kind or a little tipsy, but thank you.
10:12Come on, Lammy.
10:13Okay, we'll get my cover.
10:15I really had a lovely time.
10:17Well, I can't remember when I had a better time.
10:20We're going to have to do this again.
10:22Bye, Fraser.
10:23Good night, Joanna.
10:24Lammy.
10:25Hi.
10:29So, tell me all about it.
10:34Well, being a gentleman, I don't want to go into details, so suffice it to say, it's skunk.
10:42What?
10:43That was the dullest evening of my life, the way she drones on and on.
10:49Oh, no.
10:50Do you know how many metric tons of eggs Wisconsin produces every year?
10:54No.
10:55Well, I do.
10:56Oh.
10:57Look, Fraser, I know you meant well, but if you ever set me up again, I'll kill you in your sleep.
11:03Good night.
11:12I told my mom to meet you downstairs.
11:13I just had to come up and tell you.
11:15She had the best time.
11:18She can't wait to go out with your father again.
11:20Will you tell him to call her tomorrow?
11:22Oh, Fraser, this whole thing worked out like a dream.
11:26It's amazing.
11:28Her voice is still echoing in my head.
11:33Yes, it's like a fairy tale over here, too.
11:42I've just got to find some way to tell Roz.
11:46Why?
11:47It's just going to hurt her mom's feelings.
11:49Her feelings are going to be hurt anyway.
11:51She's here till Sunday.
11:53She's expecting him to call.
11:55Oh, dear God.
11:57At least this is where Roz can let her down easy.
12:00Looks like both of us have difficult conversations ahead of us.
12:04What's yours?
12:05All week long I have been getting less coffee and more foam in my cappuccino.
12:12It's about time for someone to raise a little hell.
12:14Who's on steamer duty?
12:16Well, it's that hulking fellow, Thad.
12:19The one who doesn't react when his arm touches the steamer nozzle.
12:27Where is that suggestion box?
12:33Oh, hey, Fraser.
12:34Oh, Roz, hi.
12:35Double espresso to go, please.
12:38Listen, I really need to thank you again.
12:40My mother had the best time last night.
12:43And when we got home, we started talking.
12:46We ended up staying up half the night.
12:48Oh, Roz, I'm glad for you.
12:50And it was like a wall came down.
12:52She just opened up to me.
12:55She started telling me about how hard it was on her when my dad left
12:59and how lonely she's been.
13:01It was like she was talking to a girlfriend instead of her screw-up daughter.
13:06So has Martin called her yet?
13:09No.
13:12But he will. Soon.
13:15He had a really busy morning.
13:17Well, how does his weekend look?
13:19Because she's leaving Sunday night.
13:21Sunday?
13:22Oh, well, let's see.
13:23Tonight is poker night.
13:26That's no good.
13:28Saturday, he's made plans to drive Duke to Tacoma
13:34for that all-day Tacoma fest.
13:40Well, and Sunday, we go to a matinee
13:43and then I drive her to the airport.
13:45Oh, darn.
13:47Wait a minute.
13:48I can give my ticket to Martin and they can go together.
13:50No, no, no.
13:51Sunday's no good because that's, uh...
13:53Oh, right, it's the Super Bowl.
13:55Right, the Super Bowl.
13:56You know, our dad is about football.
13:58It's like a religion to him.
14:00But he's made plans and I promised
14:02that we'd watch it with him this year.
14:04Oh, well, okay.
14:05Let's just forget about the tickets
14:07and we'll come over to your place and watch the game.
14:10Is there any reason why that won't work?
14:13Not that I can come up with.
14:17That's great.
14:18My mom's going to be so excited.
14:20Oh.
14:21Oh, thank you, Niles.
14:22I'll see you Sunday at your Super Bowl party.
14:30I see you told Roz the news and she went insane.
14:34Couldn't do it.
14:36Told her we were watching the Super Bowl with Dad
14:39and she and her mother are coming over.
14:41This is a nightmare.
14:43I know, I know.
14:44I've got to find some way to tell Dad.
14:46I have to watch the Super Bowl?
14:51I suppose the sooner I tell him, the better.
14:54Oh, not necessarily.
14:56What do you mean?
14:57Well, you know Dad.
14:59If you warn him Joanna's coming over,
15:01he'll just bolt to McGinty's.
15:03If I were you, I would wait till five minutes before game time
15:06then spring it on him.
15:07That way he has no choice but to stay.
15:09Well, I think I owe him more than five minutes' warning.
15:12No, besides, Dad would never deliberately hurt Joanna
15:15by standing her up.
15:17He is first and foremost a gentleman.
15:20I saw Roz, so I hid outside
15:22in case that old gasbag of a mother was with her.
15:26Well, I guess she wasn't.
15:28Everybody's still awake.
15:38There we go.
15:41Look at those guys in the locker room.
15:43Nervous, hearts pounding.
15:46Probably a little sick to the stomachs.
15:48Poor kids.
15:49Yeah, until after the game.
15:52Stomachs.
15:53Poor kids.
15:54Yeah.
15:55Until I got out of high school,
15:56I didn't know there was any other way to feel in a locker room.
16:00What's the matter with you?
16:01You keep looking at your watch.
16:03Was I?
16:04Yeah.
16:05Is there something on your mind?
16:07No.
16:08No, no, no.
16:09But there's something I need to talk to you about,
16:11but now is not the time.
16:13Now is the time.
16:15Just let me get the door.
16:16No, Dad, Dad.
16:17That's what I have to talk to you about.
16:19You see, um,
16:22that's going to be raw, isn't it, Mother?
16:25What?
16:26Well, Joanna had such a good time with you the other night,
16:29and you did say that you would see her again.
16:31Oh, but, Mom.
16:32Well, I just, rather than send her home with her feelings hurt,
16:35I had to tell her that you wanted her here.
16:37What, like a date?
16:38Well, that's the beauty of it.
16:39It's like a date, but it's not a date.
16:43It just, you know, makes small talk.
16:45You pass the dip.
16:46No, first, you don't understand.
16:48Look, Dad, I know that you found her a little less than scintillating,
16:51but please, it'll be over before you know it.
16:55Oh.
16:56Frasier.
16:57Hi, Bonnie.
16:58Mike.
16:59Hey, Bonnie.
17:00Glad you could make it.
17:01Let me hold this.
17:03See, this is what I was trying to tell you, Frasier.
17:05I invited Bonnie.
17:07Oh, how nice.
17:09So, what do you got here?
17:10Oh, it's my special deviled ham in the shape of a football.
17:14But I still need to put on some macaroni laces.
17:17Oh, oh, okay.
17:18Well, the kitchen's right down there.
17:20Just holler if you need anything.
17:26What did you invite her for?
17:27Well, because I like her, and I thought I might want to ask her out.
17:30I thought if she came over for the game, that'd be a step in the right direction.
17:33You know, I mean, like a date, but not a date.
17:39Oh, that's going to be Roz and her mother.
17:41Should I put some coffee on while I'm in here?
17:43You better.
17:44We're going to need it.
17:46Would you come on, Dad?
17:48Would it kill you to be civil for the length of one Super Bowl?
17:51What is that, an hour out of your life?
17:53Oh, hey.
17:55Sorry, come on in.
17:57Thank you so much for inviting us.
17:59Wouldn't be any fun without you.
18:02Frasier, could you show my mom where Alice can finish?
18:04I'm sure Dad would love to.
18:06My pleasure, yeah.
18:07Just come this way, Joanna.
18:09So, you're a big football fan?
18:11No, actually, I've never even seen a game.
18:14I was hoping you would explain as we go along.
18:20Okay, who's hungry?
18:23Oh, hi, I'm Bonnie.
18:25Hi.
18:27From McGinty's.
18:28I didn't know you were coming.
18:30Yeah, Martin invited me.
18:32He was real cute about it.
18:34He checked with all the waitresses to find out if I was single.
18:38Oh.
18:40Yes, well, you know how Dad is.
18:42He's always trying to, um...
18:44Hey, hey, the coyote.
18:47Find a new girl for Niles.
18:49Niles, remember Bonnie?
18:51She waited on us at McGinty's.
18:53Oh, yes, of course.
18:55I'll have a vodka martini, very dry.
18:58Don't be silly, Niles.
18:59Bonnie is here as our guest.
19:01Yeah, your dad thought you two might hit it off.
19:05Oh.
19:07Oh.
19:09A Super Bowl and a date.
19:11Hot diggity.
19:15Well, come here.
19:16You're just in time for my specialty.
19:18Oh, I...
19:20Mmm.
19:22Isn't that interesting?
19:24Something formerly ham.
19:30Well, I'm off to the cinema.
19:32You're not staying for the game?
19:34Sorry, but American football's not for me.
19:36They're showing Wuthering Heights downtown.
19:38I think it's the most romantic movie ever made.
19:41You're going alone?
19:43Yes, unfortunately.
19:45It's more fun to go with someone.
19:47Except, of course, it always ends the same way.
19:49Me weeping all over my date's shoulder
19:51while he does what he can to comfort me.
19:54Oh, you should have seen me cry putting onions in this ham loaf.
19:58I must have gone through a whole roll of toilet paper.
20:02Well...
20:04Enjoy your game.
20:07Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen?
20:12That's amazing.
20:14You do all that you do,
20:16and you still have time to be a docent
20:18at the Cheese Museum on the weekends?
20:22Frasier, can I see you in the kitchen?
20:24Just a second, Dad.
20:26I gotta take drink orders in here.
20:29Thanks for setting me up with that spam-happy tootsie.
20:34What are you talking about?
20:36Bonnie, Frasier told me you invited her here for me.
20:39I invited her here for me.
20:41He probably said I invited her for you
20:43because he didn't want to hurt Miss Boring's feelings.
20:45No.
20:46No.
20:47No private conversations.
20:49Your dates are waiting.
20:50They're not our dates.
20:51We hate them.
20:53Now, listen.
20:54I realize that this is a very difficult situation,
20:56but if we all cooperate,
20:58we can send everybody home happy.
21:00And, Dad, if you would like,
21:02you can discreetly take Bonnie aside
21:05and tell her what's going on.
21:07Bonnie, can I tell you something?
21:09I said discreetly.
21:12I think the game is about to start.
21:15Oh, that reminds me.
21:16I have to go to the bathroom.
21:18I'll be right back.
21:20The game is about to start.
21:22Oh, that reminds me.
21:23I want to get Alice's bottle warming.
21:25Oh, you have a baby?
21:27Oh, the most adorable little girl.
21:29Oh, yeah.
21:30She's a real beaut.
21:31You ought to see her, Bonnie.
21:32You can come with me if you want when I feed her.
21:34Oh, no, no.
21:35You go ahead and get that ready.
21:36I'll show Bonnie.
21:37It's right through there.
21:38No, Dad.
21:39Don't you get fresh with Niles' girl there.
21:41Well, I won't if he won't.
21:44Your father is really smitten with that baby, isn't he?
21:48I think he's just got a weak spot for the Doyle women.
21:51Oh.
21:52Yes, well, he may appear to have a crusty exterior,
21:56but deep down inside, Dad's just an old softy.
22:00Well, there's the kid.
22:02Kind of a goony-looking thing, isn't she?
22:06Is that Dad?
22:08Look, Bonnie, I got to tell you something.
22:11I didn't ask you here for Niles.
22:13I asked you here for me.
22:15It's the baby monitor.
22:16We just...
22:18I want to hear this.
22:20I thought you were with Joanna.
22:22No, no.
22:23Frasier and Rod set us up last week.
22:25I told Frasier I thought she was a big snooze,
22:27especially compared to the fun you and I have at the bar,
22:30but he's stuck with her again.
22:32You know, I think they know it's on,
22:34and they're just having some fun with it.
22:36Yeah, yeah.
22:37They're just having some fun with it.
22:39I better go tell her.
22:40Frasier, just stay put.
22:42Then Niles isn't my date?
22:44Oh, there's a relief.
22:46I mean, no offense, Marty, but...
22:48You don't have to tell me.
22:50Okay.
22:53If anybody wants me, I'll be at the movies.
22:57So you really like me?
22:59You're not just pulling my leg?
23:01You want proof?
23:02I think we can turn this off now.
23:05Joanna, I am...
23:09so sorry.
23:12I know it sounded bad, but...
23:14No, no, no, not at all.
23:16I'm sure your father meant big snooze
23:18in the most flattering sense.
23:22Roz, maybe we should leave.
23:25What were you thinking?
23:26Oh, Roz, I certainly wasn't thinking
23:28that he had a date planned.
23:29I'm just gonna get Alice.
23:31Mom, I'm so sorry.
23:34Believe me, 20 years in politics,
23:36I've been called worse things than boring.
23:41Well, I hope you'll understand
23:44if I just slip out without saying goodbye to Martin.
23:49Of course, Joanna.
23:50Last thing we need today is another awkward situation.
23:54Whoa-ho-ho-ho, Roz, not will ya?
24:04I left my diaper bag.
24:06Right, uh, here you go.
24:09Can you come in for a bit?
24:11I really shouldn't.
24:13Roz...
24:16I'm so sorry.
24:20It's all right.
24:21I mean, I'm not gonna say that my mother wasn't hurt,
24:25but she did start to smile a little bit about it
24:28on the way to the airport.
24:32You know, I've been, well, sitting here
24:36trying to figure out why I was so eager
24:39to play matchmaker for Dad.
24:41Oh, well, you're not alone.
24:43I mean, I was excited once I thought it was going well.
24:47Well, I suspect I wasn't doing it so much for him
24:49as I was doing it for me.
24:52Yeah, I see him here all the time, all alone.
24:59I wonder if maybe that's not gonna be me someday.
25:03Oh, my God.
25:05I think the same thing sometimes
25:07when I see these older ladies in my building.
25:10They all want to babysit Alice just for the company.
25:14I mean, she's a cute baby, but she ain't no Dorothy Parker.
25:20Oh, well, you know, we're both gonna be fine.
25:24I was just thinking, if we want to play it safe,
25:28we could make one of those, uh, pacts.
25:32Oh, you mean like in 40 years,
25:35if neither one of us finds anyone?
25:37Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.
25:40I was gonna say kill each other.
25:46Oh, 601.
25:55Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:57Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:01Quite stylish
26:03And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:06Well, maybe, but I got you pegged
26:10Ha, ha, ha, ha
26:12But I don't know what to do
26:14With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:19They're calling again
26:22Good night!