Frasier Season 7 Episode 13 They're Playing Our Song
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00:00Back after this short news break.
00:02Frasier, I'm here to give you an advanced tip.
00:07Really? Hey, Gil.
00:08Ross, I'm about to review a divine new Italian trattoria I've discovered called Bella Bella.
00:15I'm alerting you now because once I review it, reservations will be impossible to come by.
00:20Oh, well, thank you, Gil. It's always gratifying to be a few minutes ahead of a trend.
00:25They make an osso buco that's so divine, I call it the Veal Shank Redemption.
00:34Hey, guys. Oh, Kenny.
00:36The show's going great, Frasier. Only one thing missing, of course.
00:40I know, I know. A new theme song. I'm sorry, I just haven't gotten around to it yet.
00:45Mrs. Delafield's been hounding me on this.
00:48She really thinks each show having a theme song will help hook the listeners.
00:52Gil's got his.
00:54My first choice was Food, Glorious Food from the show Oliver.
00:58Oh, that's a perfect match. Haute cuisine and a chorus of starving orphans.
01:04But then a composer friend of mine came up with this little ditty for me.
01:08Whether choosing a wine or the best place to dine, it's all a matter of taste.
01:16Yes, sir.
01:18It's all a matter of taste.
01:21Great, huh?
01:23And the nicest thing is, he didn't take a penny for it.
01:27Well, at least he has a conscience.
01:35You know, Kenny, I'm sorry for procrastinating on this thing.
01:39I tell you, I'll get one as soon as I possibly can.
01:43Well, you better come up with something here.
01:45I'm sorry to be a hard-ass. It's the part of my job I hate the most.
01:49But I need this thing on my desk Monday-ish.
01:58You know, Roz, hearing Gil's little ditty puts me in mind that maybe we should just do an original song.
02:06My new boyfriend Leon is in a band. He could write one for you.
02:10Well, actually, I was thinking of composing it myself. I'm not without musical ability, you know.
02:14Could you at least hire Leon to accompany you?
02:18I take it he's desperate for work.
02:20Hasn't had a gig in months. Music is all he knows.
02:24He's not good at anything else, except in bed.
02:28It's what he does best.
02:29Yes. How long did it take you to find that out?
02:31Ten seconds, Frasier.
02:32Oh, longer than usual.
02:41Frasier?
02:42Oh, Niles. Oh, dear.
02:44We had dinner plans tonight, didn't we?
02:46Yes. Don't tell me you're cancelling.
02:48Well, I have to. I have a little project this evening.
02:51Oh. Does this have anything to do with this new theme song you promised your listeners?
02:55As a matter of fact, it does. I've got to have something by Monday.
02:58And I thought I'd take advantage of a nice, quiet evening at home.
03:08Daphne! Daphne, would you please turn off that vacuum cleaner?
03:14It's not a vacuum cleaner.
03:16It's the Dirt Scourge 2000, a total cleansing system.
03:23Is it new?
03:24Yeah, got it this afternoon.
03:26You see, this water traps all the dirt particles instead of recycling them back into the air.
03:31I got all that just from Dr. Crane's pillow.
03:39I've been begging you to switch to a more abrasive loofah.
03:44No. It would be the same for anyone.
03:48Dead skin, dust mites, that's what we're all sleeping on, only we don't know it.
03:53We do now. Jeez.
03:57This is the chance I've been waiting for.
04:14Oh.
04:22Oh.
04:24Apparently the Dirt Scourge 2000 is no match for the Dirt Pile 1957.
04:31Well, this is going back.
04:33On the commercial, they clean all the mud off the hippopotamus.
04:39Well, at least now I can get down to work.
04:41Niles, I'm sorry again about dinner, but can I buy you a shot, eh?
04:44Oh, thank you.
04:47How about this theme song of yours? Why don't you just use a standard?
04:51Actually, I want to compose one myself.
04:54You see, I've always had an affinity for music, and I've often wondered
04:57what I might achieve if I just rolled up my sleeves and gave it a try.
05:02Didn't you write some kind of musical back in prep school?
05:05Yes, I did, Dad. Niles was in it.
05:07You know, the whole school came out humming my opening anthem.
05:10It wasn't Ian humming it. It was Beethoven's Ninth Symphony note for note.
05:13It was not.
05:14It absolutely was.
05:15It was not at all.
05:16We are valiant men of honor, wenching, brawling,
05:20Well, all right, all right, all right.
05:22Well, I suppose I may have borrowed a note or two as a launching pad.
05:26Prancing, leaping, laughing.
05:28No, all right, point taken.
05:31Over in Atlanta.
05:32Stop it!
05:36I'm sorry, I'm just teasing. Actually, it was a wonderful show.
05:39I was very proud to be acting in it.
05:40And you know, Niles, you were wonderful in it as well.
05:43Well, thank you, I thought so.
05:45I often thought if I'd kept at it, I could have been a professional actor.
05:49Ah, you see, we all have a road now taken,
05:52some unfinished business worth exploring.
05:55Yeah, I always wanted to be a toe dancer, but a bullet ended my dream.
06:01Well, uh, Fraser, if you need any help with this, I'm right here.
06:05Thank you, Niles.
06:06You know, I'd rather handle the composing chores myself,
06:08but I could use a sounding board.
06:11Fair enough. Let's put our heads together.
06:13Figuratively speaking, of course, I saw what came out of your pillow.
06:18I think this new bridge is the best thing you've written.
06:21Really?
06:23Oh, absolutely.
06:24This is, uh...
06:26Yeah, I think this new bridge is the best thing you've written.
06:37Really?
06:38Oh, absolutely.
06:39This is, uh...
06:40Claustrophobia, nymphomania, he will froze ya, he'll explain ya.
06:46It's brilliant.
06:47You know, it does have a Cole Porter-y Stephen Sondheim-y flavor, doesn't it?
06:54Oh, absolutely, yes.
06:55Sondheim-y would have killed to have written this.
06:58You know, I'm a little nervous.
07:00It just may be a bit too conventional.
07:05Perhaps instead of a regular bridge, I could substitute it with a dramatic monologue,
07:13spoken against a musical background.
07:17I like it.
07:20Of course, I would have to hire an actor.
07:24Yes, I suppose you could squander a lot of money on some so-called professional.
07:29Someone who doesn't know a thing about psychiatry.
07:32Someone who doesn't understand the whole gestalt.
07:37Or maybe you could do it.
07:39I think so.
07:42Oh, gosh, I will write you a speech that will challenge your entire history on a Grange.
07:47Oh, this is so exciting.
07:49Let's play the chorus again.
07:51Hey, Grange, I just had an idea for your little jingle.
07:55It came to me while I was brushing my teeth.
07:58What's new? I'm listening.
08:01Feeling blue? I'm listening.
08:04Because, you know, that's what you say on your show.
08:06Feeling sad, feeling mad, feeling glad, feeling bad, I'm listening.
08:14Oh, Bo, that's wonderful.
08:16Oh, thanks. You know, it's catchy. That's what counts in a jingle.
08:19Well, that's very, very nice, Dad.
08:21It's just that, well, you know, I did promise my listeners that I'd compose this myself.
08:25It's no fair cheating.
08:26Oh, well, it's not cheating technically.
08:28Yeah, very good, very good, Dad, but thank you, and off you go.
08:31Okay, all right.
08:36Hey, Frazier, are you sure you want to modulate here?
08:39That may just complicate things.
08:42Perhaps.
08:44You know, I'm just trying to make it interesting.
08:46To my ear, there's still something lacking, some tiny ingredient that's missing.
08:51I'm not sure what.
09:00All right, everyone, let's try this again.
09:04We still have a few minutes before the choir gets here.
09:14Well, finally, the choir has deigned to join us.
09:18Sorry, our bus broke down. We had to walk two miles to get here.
09:22Oh, well, then I suppose we can dispense with the breathing exercises I was going to recommend.
09:26Please, if you would.
09:28Off you go.
09:31Frazier, did you mean to cut paragraph five of my monologue?
09:36Gosh, I might have, Niles. I've just been so busy. What was the gist?
09:40A light-hearted lampoon of mental health care abuse.
09:45Yes, I did. I was afraid that some fuss budget might take offense at my jab about lobotomies.
09:52Well, I suppose it's best to play it safe.
09:54Although I did like the way you indicated manic depression with the slide whistle.
10:03Do we really have to use so many musicians?
10:05For the sound, I want, yes.
10:07Whatever happened to the concept of less is more?
10:09Ah, but less is more than just think how much more and more will be.
10:16You may be seated.
10:20Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention, please.
10:22I'd like to take a few minutes to explain my artistic vision.
10:27Take as long as you want. We're all on the clock.
10:32Point well taken. Moving right along, then.
10:34I'm sorry we're late. We got stuck in traffic. Some stupid bus broke down.
10:40This is Leon.
10:41Ah, hello, Leon.
10:43Hey, Dr. Crane.
10:44Lovely to meet you.
10:45Listen, why don't you help yourself to the refreshment table there?
10:48I've got to have a few words with Roz.
10:51Roz, we've got a problem.
10:52What?
10:53In scoring this, I had to eliminate the guitar part.
10:55Well, put it back.
10:56Well, I can't. I'm afraid another instrument might make things sound cluttered.
11:01Unless, of course, Leon can play the bagpipe.
11:06Bagpipe?
11:07Yes. Our show deals with a whole range of human emotion, from euphoria to despair.
11:12And nothing says despair so quickly as the skirl of a bagpipe.
11:18Nothing says turn off the radio so quickly, either.
11:21Now, I...
11:22Isn't there something else he can play?
11:23Well, I...
11:25Yes, yes. Actually, our triangle player called in with a touch of tinnitus.
11:30There we are.
11:32Leon, I have some good news for you.
11:34I had to eliminate the guitar part, but I'm promoting you to first triangle.
11:39I've never played one of these.
11:41It looks tricky.
11:46I'll work with Amuse.
11:48Off you go.
11:51Well, then, now, people, before we start, I was wondering, are there any questions?
11:58Yes. Viola.
12:00My name is Tiffany.
12:01No, no, no. I'm calling you by your instrument name, so as to avoid confusion.
12:07I will have a question about measure 34.
12:09Aha. I thought you might.
12:14Yes, you see, I've accelerated the tempo there in order to depict the yearning of the superego.
12:24Very perceptive of you to spot that.
12:27What I meant, are these eighth notes or what?
12:33Yes, eighth notes.
12:36Anyone else?
12:38Yes, Tiffany.
12:39You just answered my question.
12:41Not Tiffany. Timpani.
12:44What are we rehearsing this for? Are we going to record it?
12:47Yes, actually, we are waiting for the final go-ahead from my station manager, and then we will be recording it, yes.
12:53Anyone else?
12:56Actor.
13:00I'm just wondering how my monologue is going to be audible over all these instruments.
13:05Oh, it's a good point, Niles.
13:08You may be seated.
13:15It is imperative that everyone play pianissimo during the spoken portions.
13:22Very, very softly. That applies particularly to brass and timpani.
13:27Why me?
13:31To the drums, Tiffany.
13:36Oh, Dad!
13:38Daphne, so glad you came.
13:41Well, after all, it is the world premiere of your theme song.
13:45I don't have to search you two for any hidden recording devices, do I?
13:48The last thing I need is some bootleg CDs flooding the marketplace.
13:55Boy, you really got everything here, don't you?
13:57Oh, this is not a time for stinting, Dad.
13:59I've got everything from the African rainstick to the Javanese tam-tam.
14:03Are the tam-tams the long ones with the cream in the middle?
14:08Oh, Kenny!
14:09Kenny, I'm so glad you made it.
14:11Listen, I think you're in for a bit of a surprise.
14:13Well, I got to tell you, I don't surprise easily.
14:16Oh!
14:18Our little ensemble.
14:21So many musicians, all working on a weekend.
14:25Oh, now listen, I realize that we are a bit over budget,
14:27and I promise I will pick up the difference myself.
14:31All right, the time has come to unveil my magnum opus.
14:36Just let me do a little fine-tuning on the opening fanfare.
14:40Brass, if you will, please, in four.
14:44First measure.
14:54Well, you see, that's fine as far as it goes,
14:58but this time I want you to do it with a bit more grandeur.
15:06With some majesty and a soupçon of awe.
15:15There, you see.
15:21That's what good conducting can do.
15:25All right, everyone, the time we've been waiting for is at hand.
15:31And with a simple bow of thanks to the Muse Calliope,
15:39let us begin.
15:42And...
15:57Whom can you turn to for prompt diagnosis?
16:01A fetish or fantasy?
16:03Sex or psychosis?
16:05No problem at all, let us handle your call.
16:09On our show! On our show!
16:12Bring us your traumas, your latent neurosis.
16:16Erectile dysfunction.
16:18Bedwetting narcosis.
16:22There's no need for shame, you can use a false name.
16:26On our show! On our show!
16:32Who dares enter the dark labyrinth of the human mind?
16:37What festering secrets are buried in the recesses of the subconscious?
16:44Lurid images.
16:46Rude desires.
16:49Guilty pleasures.
16:51Strange compulsions.
16:58The whole catalogue of human behaviour, from the aberrant to the monstrous,
17:02lurks behind a locked door to which one man holds the key.
17:10So if you must, I need to find a prognosis.
17:14And ask yourself, just like Freud.
17:17Immolvastosis.
17:19Stop scratching your head, let us cure it instead.
17:25On our show! On our show!
17:27Now here is the man to explain the torture terrain of your brain.
17:31The man who heals everyone's pain.
17:35Dr. Crane!
17:37Dr. Crane!
17:39Frasier Crane!
17:51Way to go, Leon!
17:56Well, Kenny.
17:58What's your reaction?
18:02Wow.
18:06Takes your breath away, doesn't it?
18:09Wow.
18:11I thought as much, and in anticipation of your approval,
18:15I had the forethought to order in a little bubbly Niles if you would help me please.
18:20You were wonderful.
18:22Thank you. The trombone frightened me a bit.
18:26Wow.
18:29That was sure something, wasn't it?
18:31I'll say.
18:33Sort of like Gilbert and Sullivan, only frightening.
18:38A little jingle, that's all we wanted.
18:41Ten seconds to start the show.
18:43Maybe Frasier can cut this down.
18:45He gives me harps and drums and people speaking German.
18:51All we wanted was a simple little jingle.
18:54Probably more like the one you came up with.
18:57I was telling yours, Mr. Crane.
18:59No, no, no. That was nothing. I can't even remember how it goes.
19:02Well, I do.
19:04How are you? I'm listening.
19:06It doesn't go like that.
19:09Well, then you sing it, Mr. Crane.
19:11Well, all right, but it's really nothing.
19:15What's new?
19:17I'm listening.
19:19Feeling blue.
19:20I'm listening.
19:22Feeling sad, feeling mad, feeling bad, feeling glad.
19:25I'm listening.
19:27That's exactly the kind of thing we're looking for.
19:31You know, it sets the mood. It says it all.
19:35Did that just pop into your head?
19:37Hardly.
19:40It was gut-wrenching, but you know, it's nice to know that I made it look easy.
19:46No, no, no. I'm talking about your dad's little jingle.
19:50Dad's?
19:52Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just sang it.
19:54That's exactly the type of thing we need.
19:56You know, simple, catchy, you know?
19:58We ought to just use that one.
20:00No, no, no, no, Kenny, no.
20:02No, I mean, if simple is what you wanted, you should have just said so.
20:05I thought I did.
20:06Well, obviously not.
20:08Now that I know what you want, well, there's nothing easier.
20:10Of course I can write simple,
20:12and I promise you it'll be something far more memorable than what my dad came up with.
20:17Well, I don't know. I remember it.
20:19What's new?
20:20I'm listening.
20:22Feeling blue.
20:23I'm listening.
20:25Feeling sad.
20:26Feeling mad.
20:27Feeling bad.
20:28Feeling glad.
20:29I'm listening.
20:34You're off the clock!
20:53Hey, Fish, how's it going?
21:05Merrily, merrily.
21:08Well, you know, it's getting kind of late.
21:10Maybe you should call it a night, huh?
21:12Dad, you heard Kenny.
21:14I have to come up with something as simple as yours by Monday.
21:17By the way, thanks once again for completely upstaging me today.
21:20Oh, come on.
21:21I'm sorry I stole your thunder, but it's not like I did it on purpose.
21:25I know, I know.
21:27I'm sorry.
21:29I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this.
21:32Well, maybe you're just thinking too much.
21:36You know, look at me.
21:37I go to the bathroom, I'm flossing my teeth, and that song pops in my head.
21:42You're suggesting that I bring out a spool of floss?
21:45Well, might not be a bad idea, for a couple of reasons.
21:53Why don't you just decide what you want to say and say it,
21:57without a lot of big words and showing off.
22:00You know, and the tune should be something simple, something you can whistle.
22:04I tried whistling that thing you wrote today, and I got lightheaded.
22:10Because it might have been that last doughnut,
22:13I went back to one of those African rain sticks.
22:21Truth is, Dad, I'm not sure I can do simple.
22:28Well, I don't know if you can or if you just don't want to.
22:32But you know, some of the best things in the world are simple, Frank.
22:36Just like that art gallery you took me to a couple of months ago, do you remember?
22:41You were oohing and aahing over this painting of a big red dot.
22:45Yeah, yeah, Dad, but there is a difference between simple and deceptively simple.
22:53Well, all I'm saying is that it's fine to be smart,
22:56but you shouldn't have to be proving it all the time, that's all.
23:00You know, just as an experiment,
23:02tell me what it is you're trying to say, stripped down to nuts and bolts.
23:09All right, um, in my first stanza,
23:13I want to represent myself as the ombudsman
23:18between the conscious and subconscious minds of my listeners.
23:25Well, there you are, there's the song right there.
23:28All we need is a rhyme for ombudsman and we can go to bed.
23:33I was playing around with North Woodsman.
23:38Oh, Frazier.
23:41Look, I'm going to tell you what your show's about.
23:44People have a problem, they're feeling low,
23:47they call you, you make them feel better.
23:49Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
23:51That's it, that's it, why don't you just write about that?
23:54How would that sound exactly?
23:56If you've got a problem, if you're feeling low, looking for some answers,
24:00Oh, gosh, now I'm stuck.
24:02How will I ever find a rhyme for low?
24:05Okay, smart aleck, I was just trying to help.
24:08Well, thanks, Dad, I'm sorry, you know, it's just not my thing.
24:11Okay, well, I'm going to bed.
24:15So, if you need any help tomorrow, all you gotta do is ask.
24:20Thanks, Dad.
24:30If you've got a problem, if you're feeling low,
24:38looking for some answers,
24:42things you need to know.
24:46If you've got a problem, if you're feeling low,
24:52looking for some answers,
24:56things you need to know.
25:04If you've got a problem, if you're feeling low,
25:08looking for some answers, things you need to know,
25:12all you gotta do is ask.
25:16All you gotta do is ask.
25:27Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:31Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:35Quite stylish
25:37And maybe I seem a bit confused
25:40Yeah, maybe, but I got your face
25:43Ha, ha, ha, ha
25:46But I don't know what to do
25:48With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:54They're calling again
25:57Scrambled eggs all over my face
26:01What is it, boy, to do?
26:06Good night, everybody!