• 3 months ago
Transcript
00:00music
00:10music
00:20music
00:34Enjoy your holiday.
00:37Next please.
00:38Buenas.
00:39Do you have your paperwork?
00:40No.
00:41It's under the name Nori Maltby and Pauline Mamoud.
00:46Ah yes.
00:47I remembered you.
00:48The crazy lady and the fat crazy son.
00:50That's right.
00:51Now, I...
00:54I beg your pardon.
00:55Excuse me.
00:56Excuse me.
00:57Pardon me.
00:58Do you mind?
00:59Now, what seems to be the hold up?
01:01Peace.
01:02One crazy lady at a time.
01:03It's all right.
01:04We're together.
01:05One twin room under the names Maltby and Mamoud.
01:11I've told him once.
01:13Where is your confirmation?
01:15Look young man.
01:16Let's start as we mean to go on.
01:18Each minute you're wasting here is coming out of our holiday.
01:22Where's the manager?
01:23That's right.
01:25We want the organ donor, not the monkey.
01:29Hey, why'd you call him a monkey?
01:31You know what she meant.
01:32Don't be playing the racist card with me, my friend.
01:35I've just spent four years married to a Saudi.
01:37This is the first time I've been in the sun without a blanket on my head.
01:40What's going on here?
01:42Mateo, get that pool bar open.
01:44Right, who's next?
01:45Yes, my mother and I wish to check in.
01:47Here are our passports.
01:49We do not have our confirmation.
01:51Oh, don't worry about that.
01:53Half the people staying here can't even spell their own surname.
01:56Why do I get the impression this holiday was not a good idea?
02:16Oh, my God.
02:18This place doesn't change much, does it?
02:20It's like an Amaral Sabora film.
02:22Says Madge Barron, the bride of Frankenstein.
02:25My surname is Harvey.
02:30Sure have seen that woman somewhere before.
02:33That was it.
02:34She was in that programme where they all had embarrassing illnesses.
02:38Everything downstairs had collapsed.
02:40She had to wear five pair of knickers to get out the house
02:43without leaving a trail.
02:45I think I'm going to be sick.
02:47Looks like she's only got a couple of pairs on today.
02:50I saw that one. That ain't her.
02:52That woman had blocked your legs as well.
02:54Hers look all right.
02:56Oh, do we have to?
03:02I might have a salad today.
03:04You don't want out heavy when it's hot, do you?
03:08Must have had this cosy five years.
03:11It washes really well.
03:16Isn't that pool a lovely blue?
03:18Oh, for Christ's sake!
03:19What's wrong with you?
03:20Do we have to sit here and listen to this drivel
03:22just because none of us are allowed to mention
03:24that Lady Muck's in Shit Street?
03:26Here we go.
03:27Here we go what?
03:28We sat all night not mentioning it, now all morning...
03:31Not mentioning what?
03:32You're penniless, homeless and in debt up to your eyeballs.
03:35Your problems are going to go away just cos we don't talk about them.
03:38Yes, my late husband may have made a few mistakes,
03:42but don't you forget as you sit there with a beer in one hand
03:45and a cig in the other, just how much he gave you.
03:48I'll never ask him for a penny in return.
03:54Now look what you've done.
03:55Oh, for crying out loud.
03:57Where are you going?
03:58Getting a coffee.
03:59Two sugars, please.
04:00Get it yourself.
04:02Now there's a surprise.
04:04Mick Garvey.
04:05Public enemy number one.
04:07You all right, Michael? Do you want anything?
04:09No, what's going on?
04:11Your father's being a dickhead as usual.
04:15Oh, right.
04:32MUSIC PLAYS
04:50We meet again.
04:52Yeah, funny that.
04:53What were the odds of that happening?
04:55What do you mean?
04:56I mean, we're both staying in the same hotel.
04:59I thought we'd run into each other again so soon.
05:02But it's not that big.
05:04And there's only one pool.
05:06Yeah, that was kind of my point.
05:10Anyway, I'd better go and count me flip-flops.
05:12No, wait a minute.
05:14I was wondering if you wanted to do something tonight.
05:19Depends what you had in mind.
05:21But you're so beautiful, I just want to grab you.
05:25You do realise you just said that out loud?
05:28Sorry. Sometimes things just come out of my mouth.
05:31I meant, like...
05:33I once had this puppy. I called it Keith.
05:36And I just wanted to squeeze it and squeeze it, you know,
05:39cos it was so cute.
05:41And I'm assuming Keith is no longer with us.
05:43No, he died.
05:44There's a surprise.
05:46No, I didn't kill him.
05:48No, no, no, Keith died of old age.
05:50Well, at least the story's got a happy ending.
05:53So, do you fancy going on a date?
05:57Promise not to squeeze you to death.
05:59Oh, that's really sweet, Liam, but I'm not 100% available.
06:05Oh, that's all right. I'll take the bit that is available.
06:10That's a joke. I would prefer all of you.
06:13She's shagging barmen!
06:15That's not true.
06:17Which one?
06:18No, I'm not... I'm not seeing anyone.
06:21I used to go out with a barman, but I don't anymore.
06:25I'm single.
06:26The one she nearly married,
06:28but he accidentally forgot about her when she finished her holiday.
06:31Funny, that.
06:32Sorry, I'll have to go and stand on my friend's neck for a bit.
06:35So, you are single, then?
06:38Yeah, I'm single.
06:40Cool.
06:41Cool.
06:51You really are genuinely hilarious.
06:54Aren't I?
06:55No.
06:58You still haven't spoken to him, have you?
07:00No, I haven't, and I'm not going to.
07:08Listen, I was thinking about checking out a few clubs tonight.
07:12Let us know how you get on.
07:14Wondered if you fancied it.
07:16No, cos it's actually us that are together.
07:19Me and Natalie.
07:21Do you know what I mean?
07:24Oh!
07:25Oh!
07:27I don't make sense now.
07:29She's winding you up.
07:31I thought you looked a bit dykey, but I didn't want to say anything.
07:35Listen, I'm totally cool with it, cos my dad's a transvestite, so...
07:39So, let's all have a big lesbian transvestite party.
07:43Cool.
07:44We're not lesbians.
07:46I don't even like her very much.
07:49Yeah.
07:50We'll come out with you tonight.
07:52Oh, excuse me?
07:53What else are we going to do?
07:55Oh.
07:56It was a joke.
07:59I knew you were too hot to be a rug muncher.
08:01I'll see us both tonight.
08:06Seriously, you do not fancy that, do you?
08:09Of course I don't.
08:10But he is quite funny.
08:12I knew you were too hot to be a rug muncher.
08:15It's going to be such a lovely evening.
08:26Now, what I tend to do is get a little spot just over there.
08:30Not too far away from the bar, but...
08:33No, no, no, no. Sonny's too direct there.
08:35Do you want to die of skin cancer? Is that what you want to do?
08:38Well, not really.
08:40I tend to use a high-factor cream.
08:43Plus, I don't really...
08:45No, no, this way. Come on, this way.
08:48Oh, hello.
08:49Your other friend not with you?
08:51No, he's had to go...
08:52Come on.
08:56Oh, you know all the movers and shakers, don't you?
08:58That's Noreen.
08:59She usually comes on holiday with her son,
09:01but he's obviously grown out of all that.
09:03How old was he?
09:04About 46.
09:06Looks like Noreen's found herself a rather forceful young lady friend.
09:10It must be her daughter.
09:12Yeah, right.
09:13Have you never seen the killer and his sister, George?
09:15Come the end of this holiday,
09:17them two will be dressing like Laurel and Hardy and smoking cigars.
09:22You texting Troy?
09:23Yes.
09:24Funny, isn't it?
09:25He's sitting by his father's deathbed,
09:27and you're on holiday slapping on a factor 20
09:29and knocking back the sangria's.
09:31What do you mean by that?
09:32I don't mean anything by it.
09:33The only reason I agreed to proceed with this holiday
09:35is because I know Troy's father.
09:37I would just be in the way.
09:38Yeah, absolutely.
09:39Troy hardly knows his father.
09:41It's a very difficult situation.
09:42I hear you, sister.
09:43And if I may remind you,
09:44the only reason you are on this holiday
09:46is because Troy was generous enough to let you take his place.
09:48Oh, he was?
09:51Hola.
09:52New menus.
09:53Oh, ta.
09:54Just about due a nosebag.
09:56What is nosebag?
09:58It's what they put on a horse when he has his dinner.
10:01Ah, like bag with food for the horse.
10:04Right.
10:05A nosebag.
10:08They like this.
10:10It's the only thing they like.
10:12Oh, yes.
10:13He means on the menu.
10:15Oh, right.
10:17I'll have the steak, please.
10:19Very rare.
10:21Just a faint pulse.
10:23And for you?
10:24There's absolutely nothing I can have.
10:26She's on a diet.
10:28Green salad with dressing on the side.
10:30So that's a rare steak for one hungry horse
10:33and dry salad for one starving cow.
10:36Gracias.
10:38You know that?
10:41I think he needs one of my special back rubs.
10:44You're probably the only breathing thing here he hasn't been with.
10:47What, even you?
10:49Ugh, certainly not.
10:51Just about everyone else, though.
10:53Oh, I'm not bothered.
10:55When it comes to sloppy seconds, I don't mind bringing up the rear.
11:04Oh, sorry, love.
11:05These sunbeds belong to someone.
11:07I think we've got somebody's sunbeds.
11:10Hello, love.
11:11I'm sorry, are these yours?
11:13There are no towels here.
11:14These are free.
11:16I just told you they're not free.
11:19Oi, what do you think you're doing?
11:21I've just said these are our sunbeds.
11:26Come on, let's have a yes.
11:28Come on, let's have a yes.
11:31Come on, let's have a yes.
11:33Did you just touch me?
11:34Did you just touch me?
11:36What's wrong with her?
11:37No, I never went anywhere near you.
11:39I just want our sunbeds back.
11:42Come on. Right.
11:48I'm not giving it to you!
11:51I'm not giving it to you!
11:53What's going on?
11:54What's going on?
12:00I'm not giving it to her.
12:07So this Leslie-less thing, why do you do it?
12:11I've never really thought about it.
12:13Are you two different people?
12:15Well, kind of.
12:17It's all experience.
12:19I mean, you are not like a vampire or werewolf.
12:23You change.
12:24You still have your...
12:26pee-pee, yes?
12:28All right, Dumb and Dumber, let's get the bar cleaned up.
12:30I've done all the mixes this morning,
12:32I've cleaned out the drinks machine,
12:33and I've topped up all the spirits.
12:35And what have you done?
12:37Don't worry, I know.
12:39Buffed your nails, done your hair,
12:41flicked through a copy of American Vogue.
12:44Honestly, sometimes it's difficult to tell which one's on the change.
12:49Why do you do all these things and make me look bad, huh?
12:52If a pattern emerges, look to yourself.
12:55I don't know what that means.
12:57Look, if I look after my side of things and you look after yours,
13:01everybody will get on junk, you know.
13:04Really?
13:07That's what you think.
13:09Let's go.
13:15One large hoppy tonk and one regular witch's tit.
13:18Lovely.
13:19Thank you, Leslie. How are the new cocktails going down?
13:22Oh, choppy, man, choppy.
13:23The kids are going to get enough of them.
13:25I think it's the funny names that they like, you know.
13:29I'll see you later.
13:31Oh, hello.
13:32Are these seats free?
13:34Absolutely. Grab some plastic.
13:37It's Don, isn't it?
13:38Donald and Jacqueline. You remember, Noria?
13:41Hello again.
13:42Hello.
13:43This is my daughter, Pauline.
13:45Great to meet you.
13:48It's very hot.
13:49Oh, you've hit the high season, all right.
13:51Do what we do, drink plenty of liquids and sleep in the nude.
13:56I don't think I shall be sleeping in the nude.
13:58I've seen the bedding.
14:00Oh, you sound foreign.
14:03Pauline lived in South Africa for ten years.
14:06Now she's in Dubai.
14:08We're having this holiday to catch up
14:11before she moves back properly to the UK.
14:14Oh, lovely.
14:15Do you like it here?
14:17Not really, what I've seen of it so far.
14:20We asked for a low-level apartment.
14:22They've put us on the 11th floor.
14:24Well, they say we're on the top floor and I have no head for heights.
14:28Plus Donald sleepwalks as well.
14:31We had a siesta yesterday afternoon
14:34and he stumbled out onto the balcony, still asleep,
14:39climbed over it and sat right on the edge.
14:43He was swinging backwards and forwards
14:45and you could see people down below,
14:48terrified he was going to toss himself off.
14:59We could have a walk into Bennet Dome if you wanted.
15:02I think that's a good idea.
15:05We'll see you later. Bye-bye.
15:11Handsome woman.
15:12Oh, yes.
15:13Right, we've got work to do.
15:17Oh, yes.
15:23What are they doing?
15:27It doesn't bear thinking about.
15:28And make sure you don't ask them either.
15:30If you show the remotest interest in them,
15:32next thing you'll know you'll be dangling upside down
15:34from a crucifix wearing a rubber corset.
15:36Wouldn't be the first time.
15:37Right, who's the Virgin Mary?
15:39That'll be me.
15:40And you must be the Angry Dwarf.
15:43I ordered it for you. It's supposed to be quite nice.
15:45So are you boys enjoying your holiday?
15:47I've been before, so it's not so much enjoying, more tolerating.
15:50Yeah, you're not getting better all inclusive than this, you know.
15:53Plus we've got the best pool in Bennet Dome.
15:55He's only joking. This is his fourth time.
15:57You must be doing something right.
15:58It's your new here.
15:59Oh, aye. Aye, it's me first week.
16:01They decided it was time for a bit of fresh meat.
16:04Any cheesy nibbles for you?
16:05Oh, not for me, thanks.
16:07Gavin, would you like to try Leslie's cheesy nibbles?
16:10Oddly enough, no.
16:12Gavin's on a diet.
16:13Oh, I know what you mean. I used to struggle with my weight.
16:15Used to?
16:16But for some reason, when I hit 40 last year,
16:19the weight just fell off.
16:20And ever since then, I've been lucky enough
16:22to maintain me schoolgirl figure.
16:25Aye.
16:26I've seen it better.
16:28Isn't that one of those schoolgirl figures
16:30Jamie Oliver keeps campaigning against?
16:32Oh, top form!
16:36Right, Mum, let's be having you.
16:38What do I want to go to a water park for?
16:41Oh, you know you want to.
16:43I could just see you coming down one of them big slides on your scooter.
16:46I thought we agreed we were all going.
16:48Well, I've changed my mind.
16:50Oh.
16:51Well, all right, we'll go later in the week.
16:53Oh, Nana, please, please, please.
16:55I really wanted to go today.
16:56To be honest, I just want to spend a bit of time on my own.
16:59Bit of time on your own?
17:01You've been here on your tabs for the past six months.
17:03And that's how I like it.
17:04You go.
17:06It'll give me a chance to get a few bits from the indoor market.
17:09Well, we'll only be a couple of hours.
17:11See you later, Mum.
17:15Nana, I've got the money I saved up for my holidays,
17:18but it's all inclusive, so I don't really need it.
17:21Oh, I don't want your money, darling.
17:23You go and enjoy yourself, you...
17:26Jesus, how much is that?
17:28Just about 200 euros.
17:31Tell you what, you give me that to look after,
17:34and if I see anything nice, I'll get it for you.
17:37All right. See you later.
17:41Another coffee, Mrs H?
17:43No.
17:45I'm off to get my hair done.
17:54HE WHISTLES
18:08Hurry up. Come on. I want to get in the water.
18:11Hold your horses. Your mother wants a lolly.
18:13Do you not want an ice cream, Michael?
18:15I'm not bothered. I just want to get in.
18:17Yeah, well, you can only go in with a responsible adult.
18:19Oh, don't say that. I wanted to go in with my dad.
18:22Hey, he's learning.
18:25Oh, come on, what's the hold-up?
18:27All the lollies will be out of date by the time we get to the front.
18:30No, look at the one I'm pointing to.
18:32That is not mint-choc chip.
18:34What you're showing me is mint-choc chip.
18:37Why don't you have another one of them slush drinks?
18:41I don't want another slush drink.
18:43The last one gave me brain freeze.
18:45All right, Walt Disney.
18:47What?
18:48Why didn't he have his brain frozen
18:51in case they found out how to bring people back to life?
18:56I don't know what you're talking about.
18:58Excuse me, there's people back here spitting feathers.
19:01Oh, it's you. Am I to guess?
19:03She's just using an ice cream.
19:05This is a queue.
19:07I'm at the front of it, you're at the back of it. Deal with it.
19:10Bloody hell, did she keep the receipt from the charm school?
19:12The more you're breathing down my neck,
19:14the longer it's going to take me to decide.
19:16She doesn't want a slush because it freezes her brain.
19:19Can you not get one that freezes her gob?
19:21Oh, come on. I'm not bothered about a lolly. We'll get one later.
19:25Oh, hello. Why don't we get you a lolly when we get ours?
19:30Because the park shuts at seven
19:32and the way she's pissing about will still be stood here.
19:34Do you mind? I don't take kindly to that kind of language.
19:37Here you go, Mum.
19:38Hey, where did you get them?
19:40There's another shop round the corner. It's in her queue.
19:47Wait! What are you doing?
19:49Dickhead!
19:51See you later.
20:10Hola.
20:12Hello, hello.
20:15Hello, hello.
20:22All right for a drink, thank you.
20:25I'm sorry to hear about your husband.
20:28He was a good man.
20:30Yes, he was a good man.
20:35I remembered your wedding on the beach.
20:37Beautiful day.
20:39Yeah.
20:41When the fat man dropkicked him from the parachute.
20:44I thought it was all over for St John Harvey then.
20:47No, he was made of stern stuff.
20:52Do you remember the morning he nearly drowned in the pool?
20:55I think this was the day before he was almost killed by an electric juicer.
21:00He had his scrapes, I'll give you that.
21:03And the time he was nearly barbecued when his mobility shop burnt to the ground.
21:07All right, just fuck off now.
21:13I was just, how do you say, reminiscing.
21:17Really? Well, if you don't frig off,
21:21people around here will be reminiscing about that waiter
21:24who got run over by an electric scooter.
21:38So, you finding your feet then?
21:40Oh, yeah, it certainly beats being on my hands and knees all day.
21:45What did you do before you started here?
21:48Actually, I don't want to know.
21:50Right, there's a time to chat and there's a time to work.
21:52Now there's a time to work.
21:59You could do with taking a leaf out of his boot.
22:03You could do with taking a leaf out of his boot.
22:06Whatever book he has, I do not want to read it.
22:09It means you should be more like him.
22:11You want me to come to work dressed like this?
22:14You know what I mean.
22:16So you have not been hearing the complaints?
22:19What complaints?
22:20Some of the parents of the children, they are concerned.
22:24Concerned about a fella dressed up as a woman?
22:27They never took the kids to a pantomime.
22:29Are you sure this just isn't you trying to have a go at him?
22:33Why would I do this?
22:35He does all the work, I look after the bar.
22:37We are a good team.
22:39It's just a scary look he's making the little children cry.
22:43This cannot be a good thing.
22:47OK, leave it with me.
22:49I can't have people complaining.
22:51I'll tell him he can't come down.
22:53I'll tell him he can't come down.
22:55I'll tell him he can't come down.
22:57I'll tell him he can't come dressed as Leslie no more.
23:00I think this is the best.
23:02Yeah, right.
23:04Anyway, get this bar cleaned up.
23:06Yes, Joanie.
23:10Adios, Leslie.
23:16OK, balls are in short supply,
23:19so you'll have to go gentle with me.
23:21Ooh, that sounds like fun. Can we watch?
23:23Why don't you join in?
23:25Absolutely. How about mixed doubles?
23:28What do you think, David?
23:30I think it's safe to say with us four at the table,
23:32doubles have never been so mixed.
23:34Splashing. I'll go get the other two bats.
23:36And I'll get the drinks. Perfect.
23:39I'm afraid you'll have to go easy on me.
23:41I'm not a natural sportsman.
23:43I've always been good at sports.
23:45I don't know why.
23:47Anything with balls and you can't keep me off it.
23:50You don't say.
23:52Any word on Troy's dad?
23:54I spoke to Troy this morning. He's stable.
23:56I think if his condition doesn't deteriorate,
23:58Troy will come out for the second week of our holiday.
24:01Oh, lovely. Then it'll be the three of you.
24:04Makes it a bit more exciting, doesn't it?
24:07Well, no, Kenneth works for us in our salon,
24:09so he'll be going back.
24:11I see. I had a Saturday job in a hair salon when I was at school.
24:16Oh, really? Yeah.
24:18Well, I say a hair salon.
24:20It was more of a beauty parlour.
24:23Well, I say a beauty parlour.
24:25It was more of a massage parlour.
24:29Well, I say a massage parlour.
24:32It was more of a... Yes, I think I understand.
24:35Here you are.
24:37A pre-match warm-up and oranges for half-time.
24:40Albeit with a double vodka in them.
24:42Oh, I love shots.
24:44What is this?
24:46I don't know, but it was free.
24:48Oh.
24:51I like that game we had when we were kids.
24:54Hungry hippos?
24:56No, that long bird who used to dip her head into the glass.
24:59I don't think we need to bring your mother into this.
25:02Right, game on.
25:05Gavin was saying you work for him at the hair salon.
25:09Well, I like to think I work with him.
25:11He likes to think that, but he actually works for me.
25:14Shall we serve?
25:16Why not?
25:18Ow!
25:19Oh, sorry. Are you all right?
25:22Apart from the ping-pong ball embedded in me stomach?
25:24Yeah, it's fine.
25:26Right, Bob Marley, One Love.
25:29Very good.
25:31Who is it?
25:32Bob Marley, One Love.
25:34Oh, is it Winner Stays On?
25:36What are you talking about?
25:37This Bob fella? Is he on next?
25:40No, Bob Marley sang a song called One Love.
25:43Did he?
25:44Right, so what's the score, then?
25:47One Love!
25:49Oh, yeah, right.
25:51My serve again.
25:53Here we go.
26:08Look, we may go and sit down,
26:10and catch the last couple of hours of sun.
26:12All right, no problem.
26:14See you later.
26:16Oh, yeah, see you later.
26:26No way, absolutely no way.
26:29Oh, come on.
26:31Remember when you used that bidet in the hotel at your Cheryl's wedding?
26:34Well, it's just like that, except you're moving instead of the water.
26:37Get lost.
26:38Come on, man, it'll be brilliant.
26:40I'll tell you what, you and your dad go down it,
26:42and I'll take your picture at the bottom.
26:44Take your picture anyway.
26:45There you go, they'll take your picture anyway.
26:47You have to pay for it, but it's a big one in the frame.
26:50No, your mother's right, she should stay here.
26:53Well, we need someone to look after our stuff anyway.
26:56Go on, hurry up.
26:58Hello again.
27:00Oh, hiya.
27:02Did you miss me?
27:04Hello again.
27:06Oh, hiya.
27:07Did you manage to get an ice cream?
27:09Oh, yes.
27:10Finished up queuing for half an hour,
27:12but it's all part of the fun, isn't it?
27:14Yeah, I suppose so.
27:16Haven't seen my daughter, have you?
27:18Seem to have got separated.
27:20Oh, no, I haven't.
27:22I know I shouldn't worry.
27:23She's not a kiddie any more.
27:26She was 40 last week.
27:28Have you not thought about getting them to make an announcement?
27:31No, she didn't like to make a fuss.
27:33She didn't even want to party.
27:35I don't mean about her being 40.
27:37I meant an announcement about her being lost.
27:39I'll give her another ten minutes.
27:41You know what kids are like.
27:43Yeah.
27:45Heard from Geoff and Chantel.
27:47Oh, yes, I speak to Geoff every day.
27:50Well, I don't actually speak to him.
27:53I send him messages on his mobile phone.
27:56He's got all the gadgets.
27:58Oh, yeah.
28:00I spoke to Tell yesterday.
28:02Are you on Twitter?
28:04Am I on what?
28:05Twitter.
28:06It's like email, only a bit more hit and miss.
28:10Oh, no, not really.
28:12I tried texting, but my phone keeps trying to finish my sentences for me.
28:17Well, on Twitter, if you follow someone,
28:21you can send them a message,
28:23and they usually answer,
28:25unless they're famous, and then they usually don't bother.
28:29I'll tell you.
28:31I was following Bill Hoddy for weeks,
28:34but it turned out it wasn't him.
28:37It was a psychiatric patient in Eastbourne
28:40pretending to be Bill Hoddy.
28:43He's certainly had me fooled.
28:50It's all right, we're not pushing him, just having a look.
28:54Oh, come on, what's going on?
28:56Bloody hell, not you again.
29:01Tell her I'll do it in my own time.
29:03How can I tell her? I don't speak the bloody lingo.
29:06I'm not ready to do it yet.
29:08Well, stand over there, then.
29:09But then I might not do it at all.
29:11Oh, for Christ's sake, you're going down a bloody slide,
29:13not being punched out of a 747.
29:15What?
29:16747. It's an aeroplane.
29:18Oh, great.
29:19Now you make me even more nervous talking about aeroplanes.
29:22There's nothing to be nervous about.
29:24Just get out of the way.
29:25No!
29:26Yes, just get out.
29:27We are.
29:28If you just...
29:31Well, they're taking their time.
29:33Are you waiting for someone to come down the slide?
29:37Yeah.
29:38Oh, anybody I know.
29:40My son and my husband.
29:42Oh, lovely.
29:46Somebody's making a right carry-on at the top.
29:50Can you hear them?
29:53That'd be me shouting like that if they got me up there.
29:58Not that they would.
30:00I don't like heights.
30:03Or water.
30:05I'm not that keen on the sun, to be honest.
30:12Oh, wreck.
30:14That doesn't sound too good.
30:16SCREAMING
30:23SCREAMING
30:25What's going on?
30:27Here we go!
30:28She won't come down on her own!
30:30What, so you just thought you'd get in here with her?
30:32No, she rammed it over me! She pushed me down!
30:35Will you shut up?!
30:36My knickers! I lost my knickers on the way down!
30:39Her knickers?
30:42I think she means her bikini bottom.
30:45Get out of that rubber ring now!
30:48SCREAMING
30:50Get out!
30:56I can't see her, I can't see!
31:03Oh, I don't know.
31:05They're into everything at that age, aren't they?
31:09Get out!
31:21Why are we walking on the beach? I'm getting sand in my camel toe.
31:25Shut up and moan in, we're nearly there.
31:28Why are we walking on the sand?
31:30I thought it'd be romantic.
31:32All right.
31:35Listen, why don't we go back to my apartment?
31:39It'll be empty for another couple of hours.
31:42Listen, Liam, I think you're a really nice guy, but...
31:46But what? I thought you said you liked me.
31:49Well, I think you're really funny.
31:51Yeah, a lot of my mates say that.
31:55Oh!
31:56Oh, oh, oh, oh!
31:58Oh, careful!
32:00Oh!
32:01Aw, it was just a matter of time until you two crazy kids got together.
32:05You look so sweet.
32:07It reminds me of my cousin Leanne.
32:09She's got a son with learning difficulties as well.
32:12Come on, I need a vodka!
32:20MUSIC PLAYS
32:39All I'm saying is, it was a genuine misunderstanding.
32:42Yeah, all right, no problem. Now, will you just sit down and leave us alone?
32:46You know, I feel I owe some sort of apology to your wife.
32:49You don't want to do that.
32:51Seriously, I feel terrible if I don't come over and speak to her.
32:55Believe me, you'll feel hell of a lot worse if you do.
32:58MUSIC CONTINUES
33:00Here I go
33:06Here you come again
33:10Here I go
33:12APPLAUSE
33:15Come on, let's get sat down,
33:19or else we won't get a table.
33:22You're a good looking man.
33:24Oh, for Christ's sake.
33:26Come on.
33:28That was our lovely Janis Garvey there,
33:30with the Dolly Parton number, here you come again.
33:33Now, is he ever going to have a ten-minute interview?
33:35Hey, that was brilliant!
33:37What did she want?
33:38She came over to apologise.
33:40Funnily enough, she didn't say what for.
33:43Like she said, just a misunderstanding.
33:55Said so much about Mick being a good looking fellow.
33:58You what? No, she didn't.
34:00By God, I don't know how you manage with just a knife and fork.
34:03What do you mean?
34:04You'd think you'd need a spoon with all the shit-stirring you do.
34:07Oh, do you mind not talking about S-H-I-T?
34:10You're putting me off me curry.
34:12I met that woman at the water park.
34:14My dad got stuck in her ring.
34:18And I ended up with the knickers on me head.
34:23It wasn't as bad as it sounds.
34:26Are you going to eat that or just play with it?
34:28It's pasta, I'm not doing carbohydrates.
34:30So why did you order it?
34:31Because I thought I could pick out the chicken.
34:33So why aren't you picking out the chicken?
34:34Because it's in a cream sauce.
34:36I should have had this curry, it's gorgeous.
34:39Mind you, I'll have to be careful.
34:41What do you mean?
34:42Let's just say I'll be putting an extra valance on that pull-out bed tonight.
34:45The last thing you want to do is follow through after a lambuna.
34:48Oh, hello, boys.
34:50We forgot to ask you earlier,
34:52I don't suppose you've got any spare change, have you?
34:55Not really, why?
34:57Oh, it's for a very good cause.
35:09MUSIC CONTINUES
35:24Looks like Sam's got her hands full.
35:27I think it's the other way round.
35:32Listen, what about an ice cream on the beach?
35:35I don't think Sam's going anywhere.
35:40What? I didn't mean Sam.
35:43I meant me and you.
35:45I'm sorry, I'm not leaving my best friend here with Uncle Fester.
35:51It's her uncle?
35:53That's a bit weird, isn't it?
35:55What's happening?
36:11Listen, I've been asking around about what you said.
36:15About what I said?
36:16Yeah, about Leslie frightening the kiddies and that.
36:19I didn't say they were frightened, I just said they were confused.
36:23A boy, a woman, and they ask their parents strange questions.
36:27I say live and let live.
36:30But it's not fair on the little children.
36:32You're right, it's too confusing.
36:34That's why we're giving the poolside bar a proper theme.
36:37What is a theme?
36:39We're making it into a drag bar, you know,
36:41with all the male dresses as well.
36:43You are not bringing more like him?
36:45No.
36:46Just you and Leslie.
36:48What?
36:50Janie, no.
36:52I will leave.
36:53Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that. It's been lovely working with you.
36:56Janie, please, I need this job.
36:58Then you'd better be in an hour early tomorrow.
37:00Why?
37:01To practise walking in your heels.
37:04Janie, please, no.
37:06Janie, you can do this, please.
37:10I want to hold him like they do in Texas, please
37:13Hold him, let him, hit me, raise it, baby, stay with me
37:17I can't hit you, I should play the cards from straight to dark
37:21And after he's been hooked, I'll play the one that's on his heart
37:25Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
37:29I get him high, so show him what I got
37:33Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
37:37I get him high, so show him what I got
37:41Can't read my, can't read my
37:43No, he can't read my broken face
37:48Can't read my, can't read my
37:50No, he can't read my broken face
38:10Listen, Natalie, I like you
38:14I like you a lot
38:16I know, you said
38:19But I don't want to pressure you
38:22I mean, I've got an apartment to myself
38:28But I'm just happy being in your company
38:31Thank God for that
38:33What?
38:34I said OK
38:37MUSIC CONTINUES
38:44Time for bed!
38:46Fantastic!
38:48No, I mean on my own!
38:50Oh, yeah, yeah, no pressure
38:54I'll walk you back
39:01Listen, I think we might go back to the salona
39:04Hey!
39:05I see you found your beer goggles
39:07What?
39:08Don't blame you, he's as sick as two short planks
39:10But he's worth his squirt
39:12No, I'm not getting off with Liam
39:14We're just going back to the salona
39:16Are you coming?
39:17Yeah, fine
39:18Sam, are you sure?
39:20We can stay out here if you want
39:24Listen, I wasn't going to stay out
39:26But I was going to try and lose you two at some point
39:28I mean, don't get me wrong
39:30You're lovely people
39:32Your posts are fucking dull
39:34OK
39:36Well, see you back there then
39:38Yeah, see you later
39:40Woo!
39:42Are you ready?
39:44Absolutely
39:48Hang on
39:50I don't know if she's got a key to get in
39:52She can get another one at the hotel
39:54You're joking, aren't you?
39:56She doesn't know her own name right now
39:58Let alone what room number she's in
40:00One second
40:04Abbott!
40:06Woo!
40:10Have you got a key?
40:12Yeah, no
40:14No, have you got a key?
40:16A key for the room
40:18Oh yeah
40:20Just leave it there
40:22I'm not leaving it on there, forget it
40:24I'm sick, I don't know why you treat me like some sort of idiot
40:30Oh!
40:36Oh my God
40:38My leg
40:40I think I've broken my leg
40:42Oh, don't just cut me, you fat pig
40:44Get an ambulance
40:48Pa-pa-pa-pookity
40:50Pa-pa-pookity
40:52Pa-pa-pa-pookity
40:54Thank you
41:00Thank you, I love you, I love you
41:02Thank you
41:04There you go
41:06That was our video of Lesley
41:08With Lady Gaga's poker face apparently
41:10Now we have a real Benidorm favourite
41:12The one and only
41:14Sean Foster
41:16Conley
41:24Clash
41:34Clash?
41:36Have you got a moment?
41:38What do you want?
41:40First of all, let me just say
41:42I can't imagine what you've been going through
41:44What are you talking about?
41:46Well, you know, all your problems
41:48The world at your feet
41:50And then suddenly lose your husband
41:52Raise up his eyeballs in debt
41:54And be left destitute with not so much as a euro to your name
41:56Are you taking the piss?
41:58And so
42:00In the spirit of all that is Benidorm
42:02Jacqueline and I
42:04Have been taking a collection
42:06From the residents of the Salana
42:08Throughout the day
42:10And raised 33 euros and 40 cents
42:12And
42:14Furthermore
42:16First of all, let me tell you
42:18I am not destitute
42:20Between residences
42:28I don't need your pity
42:30And I certainly don't need charity
42:32I'll admit
42:34My man had his problems in business
42:36But he taught me one valuable lesson
42:38There's more to life than money
42:40What do you think?
42:42Having a cliffside villa made me happy
42:44Do you think having a jacuzzi made me happy?
42:46Do you think
42:48Being able to go shopping whenever I want
42:50Not worry about the cost
42:52Made me happy
43:00What was I saying?
43:02Oh yeah
43:04None of those things made me happy
43:06They were nice
43:08But they didn't make me happy
43:10The one thing that made me happy
43:14Was the love of a good man
43:16This poor collection is not going to bring him back
43:20So you can stick your 33 euros
43:22Where the monkey keeps his nose
43:24Well, it's not only the 33
43:26Just go away
43:28Why don't you give it to charity?
43:30Do you have a favourite charity match?
43:32Oh, frig the charity
43:34You keep the money
43:36Looking at the state of the pair of you
43:38You obviously need it much more than I do
43:40Oh no, we couldn't do that
43:42You hear what I said
43:44Keep the bloody money
43:46OK
43:48Well, it's very kind of you
43:50I'll get the name changed on the cheque in the morning
43:52Hey, hang on a minute
43:54What cheque?
43:56The cash is from the collection
43:58But I was trying to tell you
44:00The Solana have also given a cheque for 500 euros
44:02It's very kind of you
44:04This is our second holiday this year
44:06And we're certainly feeling the pinch
44:08I'll get the name changed in the morning
44:10Enjoy the rest of your evening
44:12Oh my god
44:14Fat twisting bastards
44:16They've got my money
44:18Come here you
44:20Come here, come back
44:22You're not getting away with that
44:24That's my money
44:26My money
44:28My money
44:30My money
44:32My money
44:34My money
44:36My money
44:38My money
44:42My money
44:44My money
44:46My money
44:48My money
44:50My money
44:52My money
44:54My money
44:56My money
44:58My money
45:00My money
45:02My money
45:04My money
45:06My money
45:12My money
45:14My money
45:16My money
45:18My money
45:20My money
45:22My money
45:24My money
45:26My money
45:28My money
45:30My money
45:32My money
45:34My money
45:36My money
45:38My money