According to Jim
  • 4 months ago
Transcript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:30INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
00:55You all right, Marge?
00:57Do I look all right?
01:00Can I have a question on sport instead?
01:04Mum, can I have a drink?
01:06We haven't got any, darling. We'll be setting off soon.
01:09It's too hot in here.
01:11Why don't they get the air-conditioning going?
01:13Cos they have to have the engines running for that.
01:15Why don't they start the engine, then?
01:17Have you any idea what toxic carbon emissions are doing to this world?
01:20Don't talk to me about toxic emissions.
01:22I was sat next to that child of yours on the plane. I was nearly sick.
01:26What do you mean by that?
01:27What do you think I mean?
01:29I had enough of your father sat there farting like a lodging house cat
01:32without Julio dropping one every 20 minutes.
01:35The air was so thick I could hardly see my hand in front of me face.
01:38His name's Julio.
01:41After this lot, that must be it. We've been here ages.
01:47Oh, fancy bumping into you here.
01:50Hiya.
01:51You all right?
01:52We all ready for our fabulous free holiday.
01:54Oh, Christ, that's all we need, the bloody village people.
01:58Go on. Keep moving down.
02:01You can hardly breathe in here, as it is.
02:04See you later, love.
02:06Snell, snell, my fure hath spoken.
02:10Bloody hell.
02:12Look who it is. I didn't think they'd be back.
02:15Free holiday, isn't it?
02:16Can't say no to that, however posh you are.
02:19Oh, hello. All back again.
02:21Hopefully not such an eventful holiday this year.
02:24Hiya.
02:25You weren't on our flight from Manchester, were you?
02:28No, Gatwick, but we had a few problems with our luggage.
02:31That miserable wife of yours not still giving you the runaround, is she?
02:34Not exactly.
02:36The last thing I need is to be looking at her sour gob round the pool
02:39while I'm trying to enjoy me holiday.
02:41I know. And I'm saying them bags of Gucci,
02:44and if they go missing again, I'll kick your bollocks
02:46so hard you'll be able to taste them.
02:49Jesus, I'm sweating like a rapist.
02:51There are no windows in this shitty...
02:53Mind with the language. There are kiddies present.
02:56Chill out, Grandma. It's supposed to be a holiday.
02:59Come on, Martin, the back seat's free.
03:02And before you ask,
03:03that's not an invitation for a quickie before we get there.
03:07She's joking.
03:17She's got a point about the windows.
03:24MUSIC CONTINUES
03:35Hey.
03:37What are you doing?
03:39I'm not doing out.
03:40You cannot reserve sunbeds with towers in the morning.
03:43What are you talking about?
03:45You have been here before. You know the rules.
03:48Oh, come on, don't be tight.
03:50You know how old my mam is. She needs a sunbed.
03:52I don't care if she's 100 years old.
03:55These are the rules, and if you don't like them,
03:57you can stay somewhere else.
04:01Don't make me angry.
04:03You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
04:06I don't like you now.
04:08No, what I mean is,
04:10you really wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
04:14I really don't like you now.
04:16No, you don't understand.
04:18For the last year, I've been training under a ninja master.
04:23My mind and body have been finely tuned.
04:27Finely chewed by what?
04:29No, not finally chewed.
04:33Finely tuned.
04:36I think it's only fair to warn you.
04:39A bloke picked an argument with me at the airport.
04:43And I nearly killed him.
04:45What did you do? Breathe on him?
04:49Morning, Geoff.
04:51What?
04:52Everything OK?
04:54It's this one. That old jobsworth.
04:57And what seems to be the problem?
04:59You cannot reserve a sunbed with your towel.
05:02It's against the rules.
05:05Yes, he's quite right.
05:07We've been coming here for 20 years,
05:09and the rules categorically state
05:11you cannot reserve a sunbed with your towel.
05:17Would you like to borrow our towels, Geoff?
05:20All right, I've got a towel.
05:24All right, yeah?
05:26Cheers.
05:29Here you go.
05:32You can borrow ours.
05:38What are you doing?
05:40We are reserving our sunbeds with somebody else's towels.
05:45It's called a technicality.
05:47Us Brits have been winning by them for centuries.
05:50Breakfast, Geoff?
05:52Absolutely.
06:02That's unbelievable, is that?
06:05What's unbelievable about it?
06:07He's traded her in for a younger model.
06:09You want to keep your eye on that one.
06:11Won't be long before he starts looking for something similar.
06:14Maybe a spring chicken.
06:15Charmed, I'm sure.
06:17My beautiful wife may no longer be a spring chicken,
06:19but at least she's got a while before she's like you,
06:21an oven-ready turkey.
06:25Nana's a turkey.
06:27Sit down, Michael,
06:29or I'll tell the bogeyman to come and get you
06:31while you're sleeping in your bed tonight.
06:33Lordy hell.
06:35What was that song them kids used to sing,
06:37There's No One Quite Like Grandma?
06:39Hey, talking to the bogeyman,
06:41when was the last time you spoke to Mel?
06:43I spoke to him before we got on the plane.
06:45Oh, I didn't actually speak to him, I sent him a text.
06:48A text?
06:49Who dragged you kicking and screaming into the 21st century?
06:52I thought you just sent smoke signals.
06:55Bloody hell.
06:57I think you were exaggerating when you said 21st century.
07:00There's nothing on the screen.
07:02Does that mean he hasn't replied?
07:04Give us it here.
07:05Don't you break that, it's worth a lot of money.
07:07To who? The Antiques Roadshow?
07:10Battery's dead.
07:11She's broken it.
07:12I knew she would.
07:13She's always been a lumpy, ham-fisted child, that one.
07:16Frig off!
07:17Oi, that's enough.
07:18Give it here.
07:20Man,
07:22how does the bogeyman know how I've gone on holiday?
07:25He doesn't, darling.
07:26Come sit with me.
07:27I don't want to sit with you, I want to go home.
07:30What are you doing, you flaming idiot?
07:32It's in bits now.
07:33Checking the battery.
07:34You can't bear to see anyone with something you haven't got, can you?
07:37What would I want this for, a frigging doorstop?
07:40Well, lend your nana your phone so she can phone Mel.
07:43Piss off.
07:44Piss off? Did you hear her then tell me to piss off?
07:46I want to go home.
07:47Don't talk to your mother like that.
07:48You're not that big that I can't put your proper laughing stock in your mouth.
07:51I need to know the tariff so I can see if it's working properly.
07:54It's not working properly.
07:56Bit like one of those sophisticated weekend breaks on the Orient Express, isn't it?
08:00I've got a lot of family who've been to Beneteau.
08:03I've heard some of the people can be as rough as a dog's arse.
08:07You don't say.
08:09I'm Troy. This is Gavin.
08:11I'm Brandy. This is Martin.
08:13Yeah, we met Martin before, but you weren't together then, were you?
08:17No, no, we were just friends.
08:19Right. Friends.
08:22You're both gay, aren't you?
08:24Er, yes.
08:26And you must be from the Merseyside chapter of the Sherlock Holmes Society.
08:29I love gay people, you know.
08:31Even though their lives are often filled with tragedy and personal loss.
08:34You know, all your friends dying from the AIDS and that.
08:37And you during a lifetime of being persecuted and victimised just for being different.
08:41But despite all that, they're always happy and laughing, aren't they?
08:44Right.
08:47Well, we were.
08:53Don't burn it longer. I ain't got much credit.
08:55Is it ringing, Nan?
08:56I can't work it out.
08:58Well, is there somebody there?
08:59Yeah, but she's just talking rubbish.
09:01Can you hear me all right?
09:04I want to speak to Mel.
09:07Will you stop talking while I'm talking?
09:11Who was it? I don't know, but she's an ignorant git.
09:14Just kept talking over me.
09:16You rang me voicemail, you dickhead.
09:18How long's that been on?
09:20Hey, language, lady.
09:22Brilliant. Now I'm out of credit.
09:25Here we are. Benidorm, here we come!
09:31Brilliant.
09:35You've got to be joking. Watch the hold-up.
09:38Right, I'm getting off.
09:39Where are you going?
09:40I'm going to talk to someone.
09:41Who are you going to talk to?
09:42I don't know, somebody to get this bloody coach moving.
09:44Oh, sit down. They'll set off when they're ready to go.
09:49The English don't complain enough.
09:51If we were in America, this coach would be up in arms.
09:53If we were in America, there'd be nothing to complain about,
09:56cos we'd be going somewhere decent.
09:58Are you excited, Michael?
10:00I bet you can't wait to get in that pool.
10:02No.
10:04Ungrateful little swine, and we know where he gets that from.
10:07He's not ungrateful.
10:08Thanks to you, he thinks he's booked on a seven-day holiday
10:11with Freddy Krueger.
10:12I don't want to go to Benidorm. I want to go home.
10:16Oh, well done.
10:17Has no-one else got a phone? I said I'd ring him every day.
10:20You'll be seeing him soon. It's not far once we get going.
10:23He's been here all week on his own.
10:25He doesn't mix well with other people.
10:27Just because he's a successful businessman
10:29doesn't mean to say he's outgoing.
10:31He's one of the most painfully shy, introverted people I've ever known.
10:35He'd rather die than draw attention to himself.
10:43Oh, my God.
10:58MUSIC CONTINUES
11:13Oi, where do you think you're going?
11:15Bocadillo.
11:16Boc-a-what?
11:18Bocadillo is sandwich. Time for break.
11:21I said you could go for your break when you've finished doing the lights.
11:25Lights are finished.
11:26What are you talking about, finished?
11:28There are more boxes of light back there than Blackpool Illuminations.
11:31No, it's too much.
11:33Too much?
11:35The lights here are good, yes?
11:37They look nice.
11:39Too much light is making this chi-yon.
11:42You say...tacky.
11:45Tacky?
11:46Si. Tacky is vulgar.
11:50Crude.
11:52Without taste.
11:53I know what tacky means.
11:55OK.
11:57Oi, Lawrence, Llewellyn, Bowen, get back here.
12:02Señor Harvey.
12:03There's 20 boxes of these in the back.
12:05If there's a single light not used in and around this shop when I get back,
12:09the only thing that'll be without taste will be you.
12:12Cos you'll be eating your bocadillo through a straw.
12:15MUSIC CONTINUES
12:24Cheers!
12:26Bottoms up.
12:28No offence.
12:29Ooh, it's nice, is that?
12:31It's called a pink pussy.
12:33And that's why we're here.
12:35Mmm.
12:37I've never had a pink pussy before.
12:39They're quite moorish.
12:41I'm surprised I managed to keep mine down.
12:43You know, I look up at the top of that building and I still feel a bit queasy.
12:46I know what you mean.
12:48You know, I look up at the top of that building and I still feel a bit queasy.
12:51I know what you mean.
12:53Jacqueline and I both get dizzy in high heels,
12:55so you can imagine how I felt up there.
12:57Do you know, I just have to close my eyes
13:00and I'm back up there on the top of that roof,
13:02terrified of saying the wrong word
13:05and being either shot or chucked over the edge by that long-haired lunatic.
13:09Yes, I must admit I've had more than a few sleepless nights since...
13:13Hang on a minute, you weren't up there.
13:17Wasn't I? No.
13:19No, you definitely weren't up there with us.
13:21All that business on the top of the roof with the helicopter and all that.
13:25No, you were down here looking after the kids.
13:28We haven't got any kids. Not our kids.
13:31Do you not remember? You watched it from down here.
13:35Was I at that wedding on the beach
13:38where what's-his-face turned up on a parachute?
13:41Yes. Yeah, I thought I was.
13:44Oh, you two must think I'm going mad.
13:47Not mad. No.
13:49More clinically insane.
14:00Hola.
14:02Hey, mate, you all right? Yeah, not too bad, thanks.
14:05Could I have a...
14:07Right, yeah, that'll be fine, thanks.
14:10Just checked in?
14:12Absolutely. A few beers to settle the old jet lag.
14:16Jet lag? Where have you come from?
14:18Croydon. It was just a joke.
14:20All right.
14:22Mrs Notdown, yeah? Forgotten her name?
14:25No, no.
14:27Well, we've kind of...
14:29Well, we've separated. I'm here with a friend.
14:33All right.
14:35I'm normally often a sympathy book.
14:37I reckon you've all shuttered a sour-faced old cow.
14:40Well, we're still in touch, kind of.
14:46You all right, Martin? Look after that, will you?
14:49I think I've got the squits. Are the bogs over there, yeah?
14:52Er, yes.
14:59Bloody hell, you've done all right for yourself there, mate.
15:02Where did you find that one?
15:04No, she's not... We're not, er...
15:10Well, yeah, I suppose I could have done worse.
15:15This girl, she's with you?
15:18Oh, yeah.
15:21Come on, ma'am. Get settled. That one's yours.
15:24I don't want a sunbed. I want a scooter.
15:27Why can't we go to Mel's shop now?
15:29Just lie down, ma'am. Relax. You're on holiday.
15:32Yeah, chill out, for God's sake.
15:34I don't know what you're sitting down for.
15:36Mel will have plenty for you to be getting on with in the new shop.
15:39I'm on me holidays.
15:41You are an employee.
15:43I'm an employee.
15:45I'm an employee.
15:48I'm on me holidays.
15:50You are an employee of Mel Harvey Leisure Industries Limited.
15:53Not that he's ever had a word of thanks for giving you the job.
15:56My dad didn't want a job from Mel.
15:58Exactly. Never asked that man for a penny.
16:00He didn't want a job full stop. He were right annoyed when Mel took him on.
16:03My dad said we'll get all of Mel's money when he dies.
16:06But I don't want him to die.
16:08Don't tell fibs, Michael. When have I ever said that?
16:10Every time you've seen Mel.
16:12Get in that pool. You're supposed to be on holiday.
16:15Marge!
16:17Mel!
16:19Here we are. Love's young dream.
16:22Them dreams have a special name. They're called nightmares.
16:27Oh, my God, I'm going to puke.
16:32Oh, Mel.
16:34Mel!
16:36Hey, cheeky Charlie, I've got something for you.
16:38Oh, thanks, Mel.
16:40What are you going to call me when you land in?
16:43The battery on my phone was dead.
16:45Oh, I'll charge you up. No danger.
16:49Do you mind? You're upsetting my son.
16:51It's all going to charge you.
16:53Did you not see your scoosie as you came in? I left it plugged in at reception.
16:55No.
16:57Oh, come on, let's get it.
16:58Mel, can I come?
17:00Of course you can. Come on.
17:05Yeah, our flight were fine, thanks.
17:08Yeah, it's nice to see you and all.
17:10Ignorant git.
17:12And if he thinks I'm going to be running around after him in his shop while I'm on my holidays,
17:15he can piss off!
17:17Well, you do work for him now.
17:19Not while I'm on my holidays, I don't.
17:21If you don't mind, it's been a long morning.
17:23I've had a very nice bottle of beer.
17:26And now I'm going to get my head down for half an hour in the sun.
17:33He's supposed to be opening a shop here.
17:35What have I just said?
17:38I think he expects you to help him while you're here.
17:41Yeah, well, I'm not.
17:43He can hardly open a shop on his own.
17:45Oh, for fuck's sake!
17:56Jesus! It's Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
17:59Hey, look at this!
18:01You're not going to be on that for this whole holiday, are you?
18:04Here you are. Give out some of these leaflets.
18:06It's the grand opening of Mel's new shop, 6 o'clock tonight.
18:10You could shove it.
18:12Oi, give him here. Mel said for you to go meet him in reception.
18:15I'm off for a spin.
18:17Can I come, Nanny?
18:18No, you frigging can't. It's not a toy.
18:21It's not a toy!
18:37Oh, I'm stuck on this one as well.
18:40What's the clue?
18:42Three down.
18:43Comedy actor sang my boomerang won't come back.
18:48Oh, I know this one. Rolf Harris.
18:50Charlie Drake.
18:51It was never Charlie Drake.
18:53She's the one that does the gardening without a bra.
18:57Oh, you're thinking of Alan Titchmarsh.
19:00It could be Tommy Walsh.
19:02It's got nothing to do with gardening.
19:04My boomerang won't come back was sung by Charlie Drake.
19:0712 letters.
19:09Why don't you leave it blank and try one that goes across it?
19:13It's Charlie Drake!
19:15Five across.
19:18Oh, we won't get this one.
19:20Record producer originated the wall of sound technique.
19:26Evel Knievel. Oh, no, that's the wall of death.
19:30Phil Silvers. Your turn.
19:33Oh, I used to love Phil Silvers in that programme.
19:36What was it called? Inspector Gadget.
19:40Sergeant Bilko.
19:4211 letters.
19:45Yeah, Phil Silvers, it fits.
19:49It's Phil Spector.
19:51It's all right, son, we've got it.
19:53You've not got it, you've got it wrong.
19:56It's Phil Spector.
19:58Who played Willy Wonka in the 1971 film
20:03Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?
20:06Gene Wilder.
20:07No, it was a fella.
20:09He had a top hat, I remember that.
20:12Gene Wilder.
20:14It's Gene, spelt with a G.
20:16Oh, was he the cat in the hat as well?
20:18Did you ever see Fritz the Cat?
20:20Quite saucy for a cartoon.
20:23What's wrong with you all?
20:25You're all just sitting here talking rubbish.
20:28You've not got one of those questions right.
20:30It doesn't really matter.
20:32Of course it matters.
20:34What if I threw a five in a bone's head?
20:36Well, it's more or less a double six.
20:38I wouldn't mind.
20:40You wouldn't mind?
20:42Or else what's the point of it all?
20:45Well, it's only a game.
20:47Only a game?
20:50Only a game?
20:52Did John McEnroe say it's only a game
20:55when he lost to Bjorn Borg in the 1980
20:58tiebreaker Wimbledon final?
21:00Did Chelsea say it's only a game when you lost 4-0
21:04to Man United in the 94 FA Cup?
21:07Did Jeremy Thompson say it's only a game
21:10when he came fourth in the decathlon in 1988
21:13after winning gold in 80 and 84?
21:24Who said I can resist anything but temptation?
21:31Ten letters.
21:33Oh, shut up!
21:37Don French?
22:08Excuse me. Have you got Wi-Fi here?
22:10We've got Scrabble behind the reception,
22:12but I think some of the letters are missing.
22:14No, Wi-Fi. You know, wireless internet.
22:16You're joking. You're lucky if the lift's weak.
22:20Oh, there you are.
22:21I've been looking everywhere for you.
22:23What sort of a dump is this?
22:25They haven't even got Wi-Fi.
22:26You shouldn't be checking emails. You're on holiday.
22:29I wasn't checking my email.
22:30I was trying to find somewhere to go out tonight.
22:32All right, well, there's Neptune's.
22:34That's mostly karaoke,
22:35but they sometimes have a singer on or a quiz.
22:38I'm not staying in this old fogey's home.
22:40People sitting in them Spacher chariots,
22:42listening to Des O'Connor
22:43drinking pale ale with a Gaviscon chaser.
22:46Right, well, I'm not really one for nightclubs, to be honest.
22:50No worries, I can go on my own.
22:51We're not joined at the hip, are we?
22:53No. No, we're not.
22:55Can you lend me 20?
22:57Actually, better make that 30 euros.
23:00I haven't actually got any cash with me.
23:02You've come on holiday with no money.
23:04Well, it is all-inclusive.
23:06Right.
23:07I'll just spend the evening sitting with a family of fat retards,
23:10wearing kiss-me-quick hats and singing agadoo.
23:15I actually have got some money,
23:17but, um, well, it's kind of for emergencies.
23:21My mum used to say to me,
23:22always keep tuppence in your shoe,
23:24you never know when you might need to call home.
23:27Tuppence? How old are you?
23:30Hey, I can remember when you could go out,
23:33buy a new suit, have a night on the dials,
23:36fish supper, taxi home and still have change for my fiver.
23:44I'm 32.
23:47I'll catch up with you later.
23:50We could have a stroll up the road.
23:52There's a nightclub in the shape of a spaceship.
23:55We could look at that.
23:56I said I'll catch up with you later.
23:58Yeah, right.
24:01Somebody's got to scrabble,
24:03but I found a pack of cards in the skipping room.
24:06Are you taking the purse?
24:08Suit yourself.
24:09No, actually, leave them out, will you?
24:11If I can't find anyone to have a game of snap with,
24:13I can always hang myself.
24:15You wouldn't be the first.
24:31Oh!
24:57Ow!
25:01I didn't think it would be that hard.
25:07I can't believe you've not been in that pool yet.
25:10I'm not bothered.
25:11Couldn't keep you out of it last year.
25:13Does my nana like me?
25:15Course she does.
25:16What a thing to say.
25:19Your nana's funny.
25:21She's...
25:23She's never been very good at showing people she loves them.
25:26Yeah.
25:27Didn't Hitler have the same problem?
25:29My nana said that the bogeyman's going to get me
25:31when I go to sleep tonight,
25:33but I don't believe in the bogeyman.
25:35Good, because he doesn't exist.
25:37Shame he can't say the same about my nana.
25:39Then why did she say it?
25:41It was just a joke.
25:43My nana's jokes are rubbish.
25:46Oi, oi, Savaloy!
25:48What are you doing?
25:49Mel's waiting for you in reception.
25:51I've just taken something out of one of the suitcases
25:53that might bring a smile to this young man's sorry face.
25:56Is it my nana's head?
25:58What is it?
25:59Well, you won't know unless you take it out of the bag, will you?
26:05It's a book!
26:06I know.
26:07It's remote control!
26:09I know!
26:10Oh, my God.
26:12Can I play with it now?
26:13No, I only brought it with us so you could look at it.
26:15Give us it back.
26:16No way!
26:17Thanks, Dad.
26:19Ooh, aren't you lovely?
26:21Mmm, do you think so?
26:23Mmm.
26:26Do you mind?
26:28Stop it, not here.
26:29Come on, you've got a business meeting with Mel.
26:31Got a bit of business here I want to sort out first.
26:34Oh, my God.
26:36Don't look.
26:47You all right?
26:48Yeah, great, thanks.
26:50Good little boat.
26:52Thanks, my dad bought it me.
26:55Thanks.
27:10Whoa, come on, we're going.
27:12You all right, guys?
27:26Oh, my God!
27:29Hey, what are you doing?
27:31This is not allowed, no boats on the swimming pool.
27:33Not a boat, it's an hovercraft.
27:35Give it here.
27:36Hey, what is it you're doing?
27:37This is not allowed.
27:38It's only 11.
27:39Oh, just keep quiet.
27:40Get off it when you're in good hands.
27:43Are you done, you dick?
27:44That cost 200 quid.
27:47Oh, my God!
27:49Whoa!
27:50Whoa!
27:51What is he doing?
27:53Oh, my God!
27:54What are they doing?
27:55Oh, my God!
27:56Oh, my God!
27:57Oh, my God.
27:59Stupid dick!
28:03You're going to fall!
28:05Aah!
28:06Aah!
28:07Ha ha ha ha!
28:09Ha ha ha ha!
28:10Ha ha ha ha!
28:11Ha ha ha ha!
28:14Ha ha ha ha!
28:15You! Go find Mel. You come with me. And you! Grow up!
28:29Oh, there you are. You took your time.
28:44Yeah. Listen, Mel, I think there's been a bit of a misunderstanding.
28:48Oh, aye?
28:49Yeah. When you came out here to open this shop,
28:51I assumed if you'd wanted me to be involved in it, I'd have come out here with you.
28:55How could you do that? You've been looking after the sunbed shops at home.
28:58Yeah, exactly. So now, I'm on my holidays.
29:01Right. Well, if you can afford to have a week without paying...
29:05Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute. You said you were going to pay me for this week.
29:10Well, I was going to pay you because you were going to be working.
29:12I'm on holiday with my family.
29:14Do you think I've made Mel Harvey Leisure Industries Limited what it is today by going on holiday?
29:19I'm not spending my holiday renting out electric wheelchairs to fat,
29:22barn-idle alcoholics who are too lazy to walk to the pub!
29:26You're right.
29:32I wasn't talking about you.
29:36I didn't mean you.
29:39That's probably glandular, isn't it?
29:45You're not even that fat.
29:50I've seen worse.
29:52I mean...
29:55bigger.
30:03I never said I want you to sit in this shop.
30:06I wanted to appoint you Head of Publicity and Promotions,
30:09but we're only taking a couple of hours a day.
30:11I'm sorry, Mel, it's not fair on the kids if I...
30:15Head of what?
30:17Publicity and Promotions.
30:19What about meeting the public?
30:22The showbiz, glamorous side of the operation.
30:25I wouldn't expect you to sit in a shop all day.
30:28Head of Publicity and Promotions?
30:30Absolutely.
30:33A couple of hours a day?
30:34Never more than three.
30:36Well, why didn't you say?
30:42Is it Mel's Mobility Shop in the heart of Benidorm?
30:46And opening 6 p.m.,
30:49free bottle of bubbly with every order.
30:56Is it Mel's Mobility Shop in the heart of Benidorm?
31:01And opening 6 p.m.,
31:03free bottle of bubbly with every order.
31:10Is it Mel's Mobility Shop in the heart of Benidorm?
31:14And opening 6 p.m.,
31:17free bottle of bubbly with every order.
31:39Mel, what exactly is Nick doing?
31:43I told you, a bit of publicity for the shop.
31:45Right.
31:47It's just that he's been gone a while now.
31:49He's lucky to have a job.
31:51After scabbing off the social for so long,
31:53he should be on his knees thanking Mel
31:55for giving him back a bit of dignity.
32:05Oh, my God.
32:10Where were you?
32:13You what?
32:14You weren't at the shop.
32:17Oh, no, I closed it till the grand opening.
32:20I needed the ladder to get off the bike.
32:24What have you been doing?
32:25I have been driving round Benidorm for the last three hours
32:28on a 20-foot high bike looking for somewhere to get off it.
32:31Your face is all red.
32:32I know it's all red.
32:34I've been baking in the sun,
32:35covered in bloody tinfoil all afternoon.
32:38Excuse me, we were just wondering,
32:41is it fancy dressing that tunes this evening?
32:45Only nobody's told us.
32:48Piss off.
32:51Why don't you come to the front of the building
32:52and ask someone to get me?
32:54Yeah, I'm not stupid, I thought of that,
32:56but I couldn't turn the bloody music off.
32:57Nobody could hear what I was saying.
32:59Excuse me, whatever it is you're selling,
33:02you can't do it here.
33:03I'm not selling anything, I'm on me holiday.
33:05Well, I'm supposed to be.
33:06Come on, let's go in.
33:07We'll get the kids up, they're having a siesta.
33:09Hang on a minute, I've not finished yet.
33:11So I kept driving to find some shade so I didn't burn to death,
33:14when to top off a perfect day,
33:16I realised I was about to run out of petrol.
33:18Well, how did you get down from this bike then?
33:20I had to drive into the caravan park
33:21and jump off onto somebody's roof.
33:23Well, there you are then, no problem.
33:25Hang on, I've still not finished.
33:26I don't know how old this caravan was,
33:28but I went straight through the roof.
33:30Oh, my God.
33:32Well, the good news is nobody was home.
33:34The bad news is it was locked from the outside.
33:36It took me another bloody hour to get out of it.
33:38You haven't left that bike in the caravan park, have you?
33:41Left it there, I'll wrap it around your bloody neck if I see it again.
33:54What are you all laughing at?
33:55You've got a big mark across your head.
33:59Right, you can all frig off, that's it.
34:01We're going home.
34:02Come on, I'm having us.
34:03We're getting the kids and we're going home.
34:05What's going on?
34:07Apparently, he's been riding round Benidorm
34:10on a 20-foot-high runaway bike.
34:13All right.
34:14Yeah, well, you can kick your nose out.
34:16I want nothing to do with you.
34:18He's not a fancy dress, then?
34:20No.
34:22Your father was never lucky on the roads, either.
34:26In the early 80s, he bought a car that would only turn left.
34:31It once took him two days to come back from Asda.
34:49I see they've found Gary Glitter.
34:51I wonder where he's been dressed like that.
34:53No idea.
34:55Let's face it, the one thing that family was lacking
34:57was an angry oven-ready cowboy.
35:00Shall we go into this shop opening? Six o'clock?
35:03I think I'd rather drink bleach with a Silic Bang Chaser.
35:06Free drinks?
35:08I want a free glass of Spanish Paint Stripper.
35:10I'll shimmy over to the pool bar and get one myself, thank you.
35:14It says free champagne for everyone.
35:17Champagne?
35:19What it says here.
35:21Come on, grab your pashmina.
35:24We've got no time at all to get ready.
35:27Oh, hello.
35:30Are you all right?
35:32Yes, I thought I'd upset you.
35:34No, you didn't.
35:36I just didn't realise we were staying somewhere
35:38that made Anne Frank's attic look like Disneyland.
35:40There's plenty to do.
35:42I got some leaflets of the surrounding area.
35:44Thought you might have a look.
35:46Got some money from the cash machine.
35:48I've got a few things to do.
35:50I've got a few things to do.
35:52I've got a few things to do.
35:54Got some money from the cash machine.
35:58Waterfall of Colosa?
36:00Cayosa. It's about 20 minutes from here.
36:02That's 20 minutes from Bennett's home?
36:04In what? A Harrier Jet?
36:06In a car. I think it looks terribly romantic.
36:10Oh, I didn't mean...
36:12Now, let's get one thing straight, Martin.
36:14We came here as friends, not on law.
36:16Absolutely. I just mean the area looks romantic.
36:19Not that you and I would, you know, suddenly...
36:22Mind you in saying that.
36:24You never know where friendships can lead.
36:30In the meantime, what about this place?
36:33It's a shop opening for mobility scooters.
36:36I can't be certain, but I think it'll be mainly old people.
36:39Yeah, old people and free champagne.
36:42You like champagne?
36:44Well, I do, but I have to be careful.
36:47Really?
36:49Oh, yeah.
36:51Does it have a dangerous effect on me?
36:54In what way?
36:56Well, it has been known to make me...
36:58How can I put it?
37:00Slightly loose.
37:06You don't mean anally.
37:08Oh, for Christ's sake!
37:10Oh, God, sorry, I see what you mean.
37:12No, sorry, it's just I used to know this girl at university
37:15and if she drank too much red wine, she would...
37:18Well, anyway, you don't need to know about that.
37:20Yes, yes, champagne, great idea.
37:23I'll go and put some clean trousers on.
37:25Is that what your mate at university used to say to you?
37:28Sorry?
37:30Oh, right, I see, yes.
37:32Very good, very good.
37:37Right, I'll go and get changed and then we can go out
37:40and I promise I'll try and keep up tonight.
37:43And I'll try not to shit myself.
37:47Very good.
38:20MUSIC PLAYS
38:36Come on, we're going to be late.
38:38I'm telling you, if I could have got a cheap flight,
38:40we'd all be home by now.
38:42Come on, Michael, pick your feet up.
38:44Dad?
38:46Yes, son?
38:48I said, it'll go away.
38:50But your head's still two different colours.
38:52Couldn't it have put a hat on? It looks all right, Dick.
38:55Don't talk about your father like that.
38:57You're trying to say he doesn't look a dick.
39:01Don't talk about your father like that.
39:03Oh, thanks for all your support.
39:04It looks funny.
39:05All right, thank you, that's enough.
39:07Your mum might have an headscarf in her bag, if you ask her.
39:10A headscarf?
39:11Who do you think I am, pirates of the frigging Caribbean?
39:19MUSIC CONTINUES
39:33Hiya.
39:34Well, have you lot been? We've been waiting for you.
39:36We got here as soon as we could.
39:38Another ten minutes, you'll miss Maddy's big entrance.
39:40Don't like the sound of that.
39:42You've still got that big stripe across your body, don't you?
39:48Oi.
39:50Have you read it?
39:52Of course.
39:55Everything again?
39:56Vicky Leighton.
39:58People call her Sticky Vicky.
39:59She's a Venetian legend.
40:01Yeah, you said that.
40:02Are you going to make her speak?
40:04She speaks English.
40:05Oh, brilliant.
40:06She does not need to speak.
40:08She was a classically trained dancer.
40:10She moves with a grace and sophistication
40:12very few are blessed with.
40:14You guarantee she'll be dancing?
40:16No.
40:17She now does a...
40:19magic act.
40:20Oh, right.
40:22Think she'd do a couple of tricks if we asked her.
40:24Probably best if she just cost the ribbon.
40:31Hiya.
40:32Hola.
40:33Welcome.
40:34We don't pay, we're family.
40:36Nick.
40:37Well, I'm just making it clear to him.
40:46Hola.
40:47Hola.
41:04If I can have your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen.
41:08I'm not one for big speeches,
41:09but I'd like to thank everyone for coming here
41:11to mark this the opening of the very first Mel's Mobility Shop.
41:14Hooray!
41:15Well, you don't have to be a cripple to enjoy your holiday.
41:18From small, lightweight scooters...
41:22Hooray!
41:23I'm not in, sir.
41:25..to the larger, more industrial-strength model...
41:33That was it.
41:34..we have something to suit all requirements and all budgets.
41:38We're also proud to introduce,
41:40for the very first time in Benidorm,
41:42our exclusive custom range.
41:46Hooray!
41:47Hooray!
41:48Hooray!
41:49Hooray!
41:50Hooray!
41:51Hooray!
41:52Hooray!
41:53Show a loved one how much you care
41:55for the Mel's Mobility Influencer.
41:57Although, as we've already established,
41:59you don't have to have anything wrong with you to hire from us.
42:03Although, in saying that,
42:05if you no longer have the use of your legs,
42:07we won't discriminate.
42:08Although, I'm not sure how you get here in the first place.
42:11Anyway, let's crack straight on with the grand opening.
42:14And to help us do that,
42:15we have someone who I'm told is a real Benidorm legend.
42:18Please welcome Miss Vicki Leighton.
42:33I'm sure I've seen her before somewhere.
42:35Oh, yeah?
42:37Oh, my God, Vicki Leighton.
42:40Who?
42:41She has a kind of cabaret act where she, um...
42:45What?
42:47She... she pulls flowers, scarves,
42:50all kinds of things out from her...
42:54From her what?
42:55Out from her... front gate.
43:02Front gate?
43:03Front gate?
43:04You know, her... her...
43:07lady... awning.
43:09Lady awning?
43:10Martin, what are you talking about?
43:12She pulls various objects from within her...
43:15flappage.
43:16Do you mean her fanny?
43:18Yes.
43:19Yes, that's, um...
43:22Yeah.
43:23Honestly, it's like trying to get blood out of a stone.
43:29Yeah, one more, there we go!
43:31Oh, perfect!
43:48Oh, hey!
43:52Hey!
43:59Bloody hell, how much did he say them lights cost?
44:01300 euros?
44:02300 euros?
44:03That were money well spent.
44:04I can nearly see a couple of them.
44:05Well, I suppose it'll look better at night.
44:07Rubbish!
44:08Oh, I'd also just like to mention
44:10that anyone who hires a scooter today
44:12will be entitled to a 5% discount
44:14on any future hire within a six-week period.
44:17Now...
44:18Obviously, this offer is subject to certain terms and conditions.
44:21Now...
44:22All of which can be found on our website, which is www.
44:25Now!
44:26What the flaming hell do you want?
44:27I think your shop's on fire!
44:33What are you doing?
44:34I'm going to get this scooter!
44:40Somebody stop him!
44:42He's going to get himself killed!
44:56Where's the bloody kids?
45:03Faster!
45:15Jacqueline's father used to be a magician.
45:17I'm sure you both have a lot in common.
45:19Oh, yes!
45:21How much time have you got before your first show tonight?
45:24Enough.
45:25Ah!
45:33Ha-ha-ha-ha!
45:35So that's why they call you Sticky Vicky.
45:38Mm-hm-hm!
46:02Oh, yeah!