Benidorm S02 E07 - Episode #2.7
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Short filmTranscript
00:00This is the end of the video.
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00:06See you in the next video.
00:08Bye.
00:30Oh, I was hoping I'd be drilling again this morning.
00:41I think my head's going to explode.
00:45Mick.
00:47Can you open the window?
00:56Oh, God.
00:58I'm sweating gin and tonic.
01:00Mick.
01:02Mick.
01:22Jesus.
01:24Phew.
01:25Yoo-hoo, breakfast in bed.
01:29Oh, you're up.
01:34Here you are, son.
01:36What have you got me all that for?
01:38Well, have it if you don't want it.
01:41No, you're all right.
01:44Thought you'd need to build your strength up for your big date tonight.
01:48How many times, it's not a date.
01:50Now, I know I've left this a bit late, son,
01:56but when a man and a woman get together...
02:02Oh, for Christ's sake.
02:10Oh.
02:12Oh!
02:13Oh!
02:40Excuse me.
02:41I was just looking, Adam.
02:42What are you doing here?
02:43Sorry to bother you, but you didn't speak to my wife yesterday, did you?
02:47No, why?
02:49She's gone.
02:51Right.
02:53She might have nipped out to the shops?
02:55She left yesterday afternoon and took all her clothes and passport.
03:00Right.
03:03Probably not at the shops, then.
03:06No.
03:08Hmm.
03:13You'll let me know if you see her?
03:16Oh, yeah, no danger.
03:19Bye.
03:20Yeah, see you.
03:32Hello.
03:33Oh, hiya, you all right?
03:34Hang on a minute, I've been meaning to ask you something.
03:37Yeah?
03:38Now, what was it?
03:40Well, you can always ask me later.
03:42Oh, that was it.
03:44Now...
03:46No, it's gone again.
03:48Look, I've got to go.
03:50Oh, that was it.
03:52That was it.
03:54Does your...
03:56Oh, now, what's her name?
03:58Bonnie Whitelass with the black baby.
04:00Chantelle.
04:01That's it.
04:02Does Chantelle still want me to babysit for her tonight?
04:05No idea.
04:06Because if she does, can you tell her?
04:09Can you tell her I am available?
04:12Aye, all right.
04:16Do you know what time she might...?
04:18Oh, what's all that about?
04:20Oh, it's Chantelle's father.
04:22It's just pinched them flowers from the reception desk.
04:25All right.
04:27Hey, son.
04:29Love is in the air
04:32Everywhere...
04:33Will you just pack it in?
04:39All right.
04:55Hola.
04:56Hi.
04:57You would like to check in?
04:59No, I'm fine, thanks. I'm meeting somebody.
05:01My name is Mateo.
05:03I offered you a very special tour of the Solano's apartments
05:06on this very hot day.
05:09It should be here somewhere.
05:11That is a very beautiful dress.
05:14Thanks.
05:15It would look even better on my bedroom floor, no?
05:18Oh, there he is.
05:21I'm sorry I'm late.
05:23You look gorgeous.
05:28Pretend you know me.
05:30Mateo.
05:33Sorry, I think you've got the wrong...
05:35I'm sorry about that.
05:37I can't stand Spanish waiters.
05:39It's the only way to get rid of them.
05:41Actually, it's bloody well not OK.
05:43Oh?
05:44I mean, you come in here, you know, all guns blazing,
05:47invading my personal space.
05:49Personal space?
05:50Kissing me on the lips without even an introduction.
05:53My name's Dorothy.
05:54Oh, right, I'm Martin.
05:56And, you know, I'm a married man.
05:59Well, you know, it's just not hot.
06:02Right.
06:04So I suppose a fuck's out of the question, then.
06:09That was a joke.
06:12Right.
06:13Look, Martin, I'm sorry if I've offended you, OK?
06:16Please accept my sincere apologies.
06:24Oh, Martin.
06:26Nice lips.
06:30PHONE RINGS
06:32Come on, Tel, get up.
06:34Do you know where your father went?
06:36Is this supposed to be an holiday?
06:38Unfortunately, love, when you have a baby,
06:41you sign away any right to a proper holiday for about...
06:4418 years.
06:46I should know.
06:48KNOCK AT DOOR
06:50Room service.
06:52Come here.
06:56Room service?
06:57Room service? When did they start doing room service here?
07:02Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady.
07:06Oh, my God!
07:09Look at him!
07:11I've just gone mental with them down there.
07:13I ordered these for yesterday,
07:14so technically it wasn't me who forgot our anniversary.
07:17Yeah, funny you never mentioned it.
07:19Oh, I love the beautiful English ladies.
07:22They smell of fish and chips.
07:25THEY LAUGH
07:31So, what time is your mum due here?
07:33Not sure, sometime today.
07:35I wish my mum was still alive.
07:38She was a magician's assistant
07:41and drowned in something called the Chinese water torture cell.
07:46Now, why does that not surprise me?
07:48Is she staying for the rest of the week?
07:50No idea. I tried calling her, but her phone switched off.
07:52Well, remember, if you boys want to go out clubbing,
07:55Jacqueline and I will be very happy to look after her.
07:58There's a cracking free bingo night over the road.
08:01That's very kind, but probably not necessary.
08:03Dorothy Gavin's mum had him when she was young, very young.
08:06More like brother and sister, really.
08:08Oh, isn't that lovely?
08:10Blimey, will you get a load of that?
08:14We may not be available to take your mum to the bingo
08:17if our friend in the white dress swings our way,
08:20if you know what I mean.
08:22What do you say, Jacqueline?
08:24Oh, yeah!
08:26Gavin!
08:29Oh!
08:31Come here, Troy, give us a kiss.
08:33Oh, look at the prettier, you look gorgeous.
08:36Donald, Jacqueline, this is Dorothy, my mother.
08:42Hello. Hello.
08:47So, it's just a flying visit, then?
08:49Yeah, I've got a friend who's a pilot,
08:51and he was coming to Alicante, so I thought, why not?
08:54I do like to keep my eye on me baby, don't I?
08:57So, are you Gavin's real mum?
08:59Cos you look about the same age.
09:02None taken.
09:04Oh, we've been through a lot together these past two years,
09:07haven't we, babe? Right.
09:09And you're obviously cooked a lot better than Gavin.
09:13Sorry, you do realise you're saying these things out loud, don't you?
09:17We have to go back. Not sure yet.
09:19Why don't we play at Bahia?
09:21You're not going back today, I've hardly seen you.
09:24I tell you what, why don't us three get some more drinks, then?
09:27A very good idea. Oh, yeah.
09:29I'd do anything for a white Russian.
09:31Look, why don't we take a walk into the town?
09:33All right. Is it OK if I use your room, professional?
09:36Is it OK? I'm not sure.
09:38Have you been vaccinated against TB?
09:41I wouldn't tell your friend I wouldn't mind one of those white Russians.
09:44I mean, a drink would be good as well.
09:46That was beautiful. Can I have another one?
09:48Of course you can, son. After tomorrow, we go home
09:50and have to start paying for stuff again. Fill your boots.
09:56Hey, look who's here.
09:59Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Flid.
10:01We've been shopping. She said she was going to get a white wedding dress.
10:05Jesus, she'll get done under the Trade Descriptions Act.
10:08Unfortunately, that's more or less what I said.
10:13Hiya, Mum.
10:15All right, Madge?
10:16You'll be pleased to know we've been out
10:18and made all the arrangements for tomorrow
10:20so you don't have to lift a finger.
10:22Mum, don't be like that.
10:23Mel bought me a lovely wedding dress.
10:25I didn't know they had a Primark in Benidorm.
10:28And for your information, yes, it is white.
10:32I didn't mean to say what I said yesterday, Mum.
10:35It just came out all wrong.
10:37If you're happy, then we're happy for you.
10:42Apology accepted.
10:44I didn't hear anybody apologise.
10:47Oh, Mother, I can't believe you're getting married tomorrow.
10:50Come here.
10:51Oh, get off me!
10:53I've just put a load of tanning accelerator on. You'll rub it off.
10:56Tanning accelerator?
10:58Fucking hell, who are you going to this wedding as, Diana Ross?
11:01Oh, very funny, I'm sure.
11:03Make yourself useful. Large vodka and orange.
11:06I've just sat down!
11:07Mick!
11:10What did your last slave die of?
11:12Tanning accelerator poisoning.
11:16Don't run!
11:21That's more like it, Phil!
11:24Mum, excuse me, I don't know if you've got it,
11:27but you've got the best tits in this whole bar.
11:30Do you mind? You could at least buy me a drink first.
11:36How long are you staying for?
11:38Well, I could either go back tonight or tomorrow afternoon.
11:41It's up to you.
11:42Wonder if we can get you a wristband from somewhere.
11:45Do you mean one of these?
11:47Oh, my God!
11:49It's raining men!
11:52Hallelujah, it's raining men!
11:55Amen!
11:57It's raining men!
11:59Hallelujah, it's raining men!
12:05Here you are, gin and tonic.
12:07Vodka and tanning accelerator for Madge,
12:09and Viagra and soda for the condemned man.
12:12I beg your pardon.
12:13You're all right, keep your thong on,
12:15it's only tonic water like you asked for.
12:17Well, I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple.
12:19Hey, hang on, what about these two?
12:22Madge and Mel.
12:24Madge and Mel.
12:26Excuse me.
12:28Janice.
12:31Jesus Christ!
12:32I mean, yes, love.
12:34Sorry, you were in my bar yesterday,
12:36and, well, this was under the table when you left.
12:39You must have dropped it.
12:40Ooh, that'll be mine.
12:42Must have dropped out my bag.
12:43Anyway, I just didn't want you to be out of pocket.
12:49Right, OK, well, I'll let you get on.
12:53Nice to see you again.
12:55Bye.
13:01Well, hey, look who's got a toy boy!
13:03He what?
13:04Did you see the way he was looking at you?
13:06No.
13:07Bloody hell, his mum will have to put the old boxing gloves on him
13:09before he goes to bed tonight.
13:11Give us that back.
13:12You didn't lose any money yesterday.
13:14Poor little lad's made a mistake.
13:15Hey, be careful he don't drag you behind the bike sheds.
13:28What the fuck do you think you're playing at?
13:31Are you all right?
13:32I'm so sorry.
13:33Well, so you should be.
13:35I was bang out of order coming here.
13:37Yeah, you were.
13:38But I can't stop thinking about you.
13:40Listen, you're going to have to go.
13:43I just wanted to look into your eyes one more time.
13:46Janice.
13:47Oh, Jesus Christ.
13:48How did you find me?
13:50I promised myself I'd look in every hotel in Benidorm until I found you.
13:53Are you serious?
13:54Yeah.
13:55Although I did start with the one written on your wristband.
13:58All right.
13:59Jack, you've had your bit of fun now.
14:00Go home and don't come back again.
14:02One more kiss.
14:03Sorry, are you on drugs?
14:05One more kiss and I'll go.
14:07I've never been kissed like that before in my life.
14:09My husband's going to be out here in about ten seconds.
14:12It's because I'm ugly, isn't it?
14:13You what?
14:14You only kiss me because I'm ugly.
14:16And you feel sorry for me.
14:18Jesus, where's Jeremy Kyle when you need him?
14:21Jack.
14:22Jack, don't be daft.
14:26Come on.
14:28You're a good-looking lad.
14:29So kiss me.
14:30I'm a married woman.
14:31Kiss me like you kissed me yesterday and I promise I'll go.
14:33You'll never see me again.
14:34I promise.
14:36God, you are so gorgeous.
14:38Jesus, Matt.
14:50God, you're amazing.
14:52Now, that's your lot.
14:53Go.
14:54I'm going.
14:56Look, I'm doing what I promised.
15:00You are absolutely gorgeous.
15:01Keep walking.
15:04Harriet, are you all right?
15:17Hello again.
15:19I'm sorry about that earlier.
15:20Well, you bloody well should be sorry.
15:22My wife has left me and you just think I'm an easy target.
15:25It wasn't like that.
15:26And yes, you're a very attractive woman.
15:29I can't deny that, but I'm just not interested.
15:32I love my wife.
15:34And I'm sorry, but you don't even compare to her in any way.
15:38If I had the choice of ten of you or one of my wife, I'd choose her.
15:43Every time.
15:45But I don't have the choice because she's not here.
15:57There they are.
15:59Oh, I do love the gays.
16:02They're always so well turned out, aren't they?
16:05How was your afternoon?
16:06Yeah, good, thanks.
16:07I had a siesta.
16:09And Gavin and his mum had a bit of a heart-to-heart.
16:12Oh, they haven't had a row, have they?
16:14No, nothing like that.
16:16Gavin's mum has a few, well, commitment issues.
16:22Everyone all right?
16:24Oh, yes, we were just talking about...
16:26Dogging!
16:28Ever tried it?
16:30No.
16:32Noah's making you be talking about world peace.
16:36Hey, here she is, the child catcher.
16:39How good about that, 20 euros?
16:41Hey, she's got hot flush.
16:43You didn't have a quickie round the back of the bike, did you?
16:45I had to run after him.
16:47I don't know what it is, but all the women that fancy me seem to be younger.
16:51That's because all the ones older than you are dead.
16:53Well, nearly all of them.
16:59Right, same again?
17:06Hiya.
17:08Just dropped my son off with your mam in your apartment.
17:11I know.
17:13She said you were down here.
17:15I know.
17:17I thought we were going out for a drink.
17:20Well, we might as well have a few here first, cos...
17:26Well, they're free.
17:28Are you pissed?
17:30No, I'm... I've only had a bottle.
17:33What do you want?
17:35You all right? I'll get it.
17:45What's her name, then? Dorothy.
17:51I've put your mother down to sing Bonnie Tyler, Holding Out For A Hero.
17:55Oh, my God, we'll never get her off the stage.
17:58Excuse me, we need an extra chair.
18:03So, being Lancashire Pub Quiz champion,
18:06unbeaten for three years,
18:08I don't have a lot of free time, so...
18:12Look, I've not had a great deal of experience with girls.
18:17Really?
18:19Never a guest?
18:21No, seriously.
18:23I mean, I know I come across as a bit of a player,
18:26but I haven't ever had one girlfriend.
18:29Really?
18:31Yeah. Her name was Elaine.
18:34We met on the internet.
18:36We did meet up for real, but she was very shy, and...
18:41Well, it's not easy to chat up a lass
18:44who won't take a crash helmet off.
18:48Can I tell you a secret?
18:52Look...
18:54I don't know whether you want to take this upstairs at any point,
18:58you know, but...
19:00I'm not...
19:03I've not had...
19:05You know, when it comes to...
19:10Geoff, are you trying to tell me you're a virgin?
19:14What? No!
19:16God, no!
19:18Jesus!
19:20No, I'm...
19:22You know, it's...
19:25Bloody hell, I can't believe you thought...
19:28You are, aren't you?
19:31Yeah.
19:32It's all right.
19:34So am I.
19:36Really?
19:39God, you see...
19:42I know we don't look like the perfect match, but...
19:48When you think about it,
19:50we've got so much in common.
20:03I have a message for you.
20:05Message? Who from?
20:12It's my mother.
20:14She had to leave.
20:16Right, next up we have Dorothy.
20:19Come on, Dorothy, where are you?
20:21OK, one more chair.
20:23No, no extra chair, thank you.
20:26Dorothy?
20:28No?
20:31OK.
20:32Sorry, Dorothy, that was your last chance.
20:37I'm sorry, would you excuse me?
20:39Right, ladies and James,
20:41I'll sing the next number,
20:43but before I do, I have a special announcement to make.
20:46As some of you may remember, a few nights ago,
20:49we had a wedding proposal right here on this stage.
20:52And I'm very excited to tell you that I had a word with the groom today,
20:56and Madge Barron and Mel Harvey are to be married on Levante Beach
21:00tomorrow afternoon at three o'clock,
21:02and we're all invited!
21:05CHEERING
21:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:21Hey, Mel, that's what you'll be singing on your wedding day.
21:28Kate, where have you been?
21:31I just needed some space.
21:37Oh
21:40Who's sad and blue
21:45Who's quiet too
22:07Who's sad and blue