According to Jim
According to Jim
  • 3 months ago
Transcript
00:00♪
00:30Eva Braun's got them all hard at it this morning, eh?
00:41Yeah.
00:42That reminds me, I might get the lady's shave out and do a bikini line later.
00:50Second thoughts, I might leave, eh?
01:01Good morning, everybody.
01:09George Temple Savage here saying, Buenos dias, senoras and senores.
01:13She doesn't let up with them bloody announcements, does she?
01:16The woman's got no class.
01:18Not got a clue how to run a business.
01:20As my Mel used to say, you've either got it or you've not.
01:24Isn't that what I used to say to the bailiffs and all?
01:27I shall choose to ignore them.
01:29Have you seen this?
01:30What?
01:31Apparently, there's a gang going about Benidorm kidnapping people off the streets.
01:35Oh, don't talk rot.
01:37They'll be young slappers coming here,
01:39drinking themselves silly and climbing into cars with fellas.
01:42No, it says here they're stealing people's organs.
01:47A young woman from Chorley went missing for three days,
01:52then turned up, dazed and confused, in the car park behind the KFC.
01:57This is Benidorm. That's a good night out, is that?
01:59Claimed she'd been drugged and had a big scar where a kidney used to be.
02:05Bloody hell.
02:06Oi, oi, young man language.
02:08You're not too old for a smack on the arse, you know.
02:10Oh, it's big business. Kidneys, lungs.
02:14Says here Benidorm is becoming the organ theft capital of Spain.
02:20Morning. Only me.
02:23I'm sorry to be late.
02:24I was halfway down in the lift,
02:26and I realised I'd left my tiddlywinks in the room.
02:31Not to worry. I've got them now.
02:34Is that one free?
02:36Excuse me.
02:40Oh, flaming heck.
02:42That gang didn't leave a number, did they?
02:45Staff announcement, staff announcement.
02:47Will all members of the poolside team please report to my office.
02:52All poolside staff to la oficina, por favor. Gracias.
02:58I don't know what you see in that drift.
03:00I don't see anything.
03:02Just cos I smile doesn't mean I'll be tugging at his budgie smugglers.
03:05There's no harm in a smile.
03:07I smile?
03:08No, you snarl.
03:10No wonder you've not had a whiff of it since you've been here.
03:13I've not had a whiff of it cos there's nothing that comes up to my standards.
03:17Call me old-fashioned, but I think a man likes a woman to be feminine, ladylike.
03:22He doesn't want his date to cup her foot and shout,
03:24''Have a bite of that!''
03:26Excuse me, I have never...
03:29Oh, yeah.
03:30I bet you, ten euros,
03:32you can't go the whole day and night being ladylike and polite.
03:3720 euros and you're on.
03:39Right, 20 euros it is.
03:41No being rude, swearing, clearing your nasal passages,
03:45farting, burping the theme tune to The Simpsons
03:48or showing violence or threatening behaviour.
03:50Violence?
03:51Like the other night at karaoke when he grabbed that bloke's knackers
03:54and made him sing the communards.
03:58How long have I got to keep this up?
04:01Till midnight tonight.
04:04Hang on, give us a sec.
04:06BELCHES
04:22The Solana can be a four-star hotel.
04:27And in the words of Susan Boyle,
04:30I have a dream.
04:33This is about standards
04:35and I have invited the editor of Costa Class,
04:39Victor St James, to review the Solana.
04:42Costa Class? I never hear of this.
04:45Well, it's a witch hotel magazine for Spain.
04:48A magazine for witches?
04:50You English people are crazy.
04:52This gentleman deals in top-end accommodations,
04:55so we have to show him how classy and professional we are.
04:59Well, I think I can speak on behalf of all of us
05:02when I say that we've been working our bollocks off,
05:05so it's only a matter of time till we are shitting class.
05:08Yes, but we don't have any time, because he's coming tonight.
05:11Tonight?
05:12Hostia, joder, but it was my night off.
05:14I know this is very short notice,
05:16but Mr St James expects the very best,
05:18so I've sent the chef home and,
05:20Mateo, I want you in the kitchen.
05:23Puta madre.
05:25Sounds lovely, but I think we'll stick to paella,
05:27traditional Spanish.
05:29Leslie.
05:30Although Victor probably did go to public school
05:33and has seen it all,
05:35I think you should take the night off
05:37and allow Les to handle this.
05:39Oh, God bless you, Mrs Savage.
05:41I haven't had a night out for so...
05:43Oh, bollocks.
05:45Liam, I am very impressed how calm you've been.
05:48I thought you'd panic for sure.
05:50Oh...
05:52Sorry, her tremor was giving me a migraine.
05:56Have we started yet?
06:03OK, here's another one.
06:07I spy with my little eye
06:10something beginning with H.
06:13Hotel.
06:14No.
06:15Hand.
06:16Hands.
06:17No.
06:18Handbag.
06:19No.
06:20Ooh, got you all guessing now.
06:22Are you having a guest, Mother?
06:23Am I shanked?
06:24Come on.
06:25Leave her, she's miserable.
06:26OK, then.
06:27How about H,
06:28for how come I've been sitting here 40 minutes
06:30without you getting a drink in?
06:32Bone idle, you McGarvey.
06:34Can't even supply your own loved ones
06:36with a round of drinks.
06:38Course I can.
06:39Michael, go and get a round of drinks in
06:41for your loved ones.
06:42There's a good lad.
06:43Lazy bugger.
06:44Well, how about you getting me a drink for a change?
06:46Ladies don't get their drinks in.
06:48A gentleman does that.
06:50My Mel was a gentleman.
06:52Never left me sitting without a drink in me hand.
06:54No, he left you sitting without a pot to piss in, though,
06:56didn't he?
06:57Oh.
06:58Right.
06:59I'm not sticking round here to be insulted.
07:01Mother, he's only winding you up.
07:02Mick, tell her.
07:03She's winding me up.
07:04Right.
07:05I'm off to chops.
07:11H was for holiday.
07:15We're all on holiday.
07:23Morning, Madge.
07:25What's that you're reading?
07:27It's the newsletter from the MSA.
07:29Oh, that's nice.
07:31Duckface Dennis is hosting,
07:33but now the finger bouffee is at the end of the night
07:35rather than the start.
07:37Makes sense, I suppose.
07:39There's been a whip round for a gum shield for Big Donna
07:42since she had her braces fitted.
07:44Lovely.
07:45And the police have asked Fiona and Mandy
07:48to drain their hot tub.
07:51There's also a wee article for a phone application
07:55that locates swingers in your local area.
07:58Really?
07:59Can we use it here?
08:01Anywhere in the world, apparently.
08:04You just download it, it does a search and bobs your uncle.
08:08Before you know it, it's grab, flab and stab.
08:16Not too rough with Mr Dixie, are you?
08:19Not too rough with Mr Dixon, Carmen.
08:21And I'd skip the head massage if I was you.
08:23Last time it looked like somebody had emptied
08:25a box of Special K over the floor.
08:29How do you get your hair like that, Madge?
08:31My hair?
08:32Oh, it's a mess today.
08:34Yeah, I know, I just wondered how you got it like that.
08:36Piss off.
08:37I wasn't joking.
08:41Maddy, I'll kill you.
08:48God.
09:00Sorry.
09:01Judge, you win.
09:08Excuse me.
09:09We'll come tonight.
09:12Who will help me?
09:13Who are you?
09:14Who will help me?
09:16Who will help me?
09:17Oh, my God!
09:19Danny!
09:37Morning, Gavin.
09:39Go away.
09:40That's not very polite.
09:42Go away, please.
09:44Are we feeling a little tender?
09:47I beg your pardon?
09:49Too much sex on the beach?
09:51Have you been speaking to Kenneth?
09:53Whatever he's said, it's all lies.
09:55I meant your head.
09:57Cocktail hangover, is it?
09:59Look, Noreen, I don't mean to be rude,
10:01but I'm not in a very good place right now.
10:04Well, we can move into the sun, if you like.
10:06What I mean is that I'm not good company right now.
10:09That's still better than no company at all.
10:13Now, why don't I go and order a nice coffee
10:17and you just sit there and relax?
10:20That sounds like bliss. Thank you, Noreen.
10:23And when I come back, we can have a lovely game of Scrabble.
10:29MUSIC PLAYS
10:37Right, the bladder's empty and the drinks are ordered.
10:40Good, cos I feel like getting absolutely twat... twat... twanged!
10:44Totally twanged!
10:46SHE LAUGHS
10:47This being a ladylock is a piece of... cake.
10:52You're going to be 20 euros lighter come midnight.
10:55Don't get too cocky.
10:57Darling, it may get tougher.
10:59Jesus! What the...?
11:03Sorry.
11:04Sorry? I thought it was you, you little...
11:07Sweetheart.
11:09You nearly gave me a heart attack.
11:12Old people talk funny.
11:14Old?
11:18Right, run along, sonny.
11:22Can you believe him? The cheeky little...
11:25Uh-uh-uh. The clock's still running.
11:33Sorry, Joyce, I'm absolutely chock-a-block.
11:36You must be joking. I've never seen anybody in there.
11:39Excuse me. Excuse me, we need to speak to you. It's my mother.
11:42Well, certainly. Can I be of assistance?
11:44We think she's been kidnapped.
11:46My son saw her being dragged into the back of a car.
11:49Well, they're very keen, these taxi drivers.
11:51You've only got to hang around the bus stop
11:53for a few moments, they think you're fair game.
11:55Oh, for God's sake. It's Madge, isn't it? Yeah.
11:57Yeah, no, I saw her earlier on. She had a purse.
11:59I think she's just gone the shops. Oh, there you are.
12:01She's probably bumped into old friends and got chatting.
12:04Friends? You obviously don't know her that well, do you?
12:07Michael, tell the woman what you saw.
12:09Well, I saw a bloke follow her out of here.
12:12And I went outside and he was dragging her into the back of a car.
12:15Into the back of a car? Well, can you describe this gentleman?
12:18Well, he was quite tall, he had a beard, he didn't look English.
12:22Oh, him? Oh, he was absolutely gorgeous.
12:25I asked him if he wanted a hot shave, but I didn't get anywhere.
12:28I thought you said you haven't got any appointments.
12:30I can always find an opening for some people, Joyce.
12:32Oh, come on, let's go to the police.
12:34No, let's not be hasty.
12:36Now, you'll get nowhere with the police
12:38if she's been missing for less than 48 hours.
12:40Now...
12:42I've got contacts there, so why don't I speak to them?
12:45And you go and look for her. Right, come on.
12:48Ah, very nice of you to offer to help.
12:51For there is a soft side to la sauvage, after all.
12:55We don't want police swarming round the place
12:57when our friend arrives later now, do we?
13:01You're not busy, are you? What about a French plant?
13:04You're joking, aren't you?
13:05Had a Chinese buffet for lunch, couldn't eat another thing.
13:08Got to help them look for Madge.
13:14Oh, come on, son.
13:17Have you heard anything?
13:19Not yet.
13:20He's gone far too long.
13:22It's nearly siesta, the supermarkets will be closed.
13:24Have faith.
13:26It's just him now.
13:29Liam, son, are you OK?
13:32OK, son, just calm down, speak very slowly.
13:37Which police station are you in?
13:40Got you!
13:42Oh!
13:45Now, it wasn't easy.
13:47Some of them are quite tricky.
13:49I thought Saffron was a posh girl's name,
13:51but turns out it's a spice as well.
13:54And don't get me started on coming.
13:57Wait.
13:58There's something missing.
14:01The chicken.
14:04Tell me you got the chicken.
14:06You got the chicken, didn't you, son?
14:08I told you we could not rely on him, hijo de una...
14:10Oh, shh, just relax.
14:12Of course I did. What, do you think I am stupid?
14:15So where is it?
14:25You asked for fresh.
14:34Jacqueline, that's another one come through.
14:36Oh, let's have a look.
14:41Oh, my goodness.
14:43Reminds me of the old Amsterdam days.
14:46Are they my legs?
14:47It would appear so.
14:49Oh, hello.
14:50They're coming thick and fast now.
14:52Oh, it must be that picture of Condoleezza Rice
14:54that I put on my profile.
14:57You're a very good likeness, in the right light.
15:06There it is.
15:27It's no good. It's still switched off.
15:29Mick, what are we going to do?
15:30Just calm down. We'll find her, all right?
15:32What if we don't?
15:33What if the gang's got her and they're cutting her up
15:35with their shotguns?
15:36For goodness sake, now, stop that.
15:38They're not going to be chopping your nana up.
15:40They're just going to make an 8 to 10-inch incision
15:42across her chest.
15:43Mick!
15:44Yeah, I've got these. These should help.
15:46What are they?
15:47Oh, here we go.
15:48We'll find her in no time with these.
15:50Oh, do you reckon? You see, I think I got the scooter wrong.
15:52No, I don't flaming reckon.
15:53She isn't even on a scooter.
15:55Answer to the name of...
15:57Christ! She's not a poodle!
15:59Well, sorry. I was only trying to help.
16:01Over there!
16:03Max!
16:04Nanny!
16:05Nanny!
16:06Nanny!
16:07Come on, down here! Stop!
16:08Max!
16:09Nanny!
16:10Max!
16:11Nanny!
16:14Come here, come here.
16:17Follow that car!
16:18What's funny?
16:19Just follow that car.
16:20That's it, yo!
16:21Follow that car!
16:33Hiya. You all right?
16:35Your friend promised me an ice cream, but it didn't pay up.
16:38How do you mean?
16:39She said if I threw my ball at you, she'd buy me an ice cream.
16:43Did she now?
16:47Well, how's about I treat you to one?
16:49Yeah, go on.
16:50But first, I need you to do me a little favour.
17:03He looks dead sad.
17:05Yeah.
17:07Which reminds me, there's someone here.
17:09Meryl Streep.
17:11What are you two going on about now?
17:13You know her, man. That film.
17:15What was it called?
17:17Sophie's Choice.
17:19Oh, no. Poor Meryl.
17:21Don't get too attached.
17:22Soon you'll have to decide which one of you will be there.
17:25No, we can't do that. Look at her little face.
17:28Oh, do you have any better ideas?
17:30Mateo!
17:31Hosti hobe.
17:33Quick, hide it.
17:35Ah, there you are. How's it coming along?
17:38Good. It's all good.
17:40You seem a bit edgy.
17:41Oh, I have a lot to do.
17:43This recipe has to be perfect for you.
17:45What was that?
17:47What was what?
17:48That sounded just like...
17:52There again.
17:53No, that was probably me.
17:55I've got this...
17:57gagging reflex to the smell of rice.
18:00Cooking.
18:01Well, it didn't sound like you that time.
18:04No, it was me.
18:05And family trait.
18:06Bukka!
18:07Bukka!
18:08Bukka!
18:09Bukka!
18:10Bukka!
18:11Bukka!
18:12Bukka!
18:14Les, it's time.
18:16Liam's time.
18:19I'm going to take them somewhere quiet and then...
18:22No, I don't want to know.
18:24Just do it quickly.
18:31I'm going to take them somewhere quiet and then...
18:37Won't the ice cream melt while you're eating your burger?
18:39No, it's not my ice cream. It's Scott's.
18:42Who's Scott?
18:48There you go, Scott.
18:53I know your tricks. You won't break me.
18:56Shit! Now, now.
18:59It's not very ladylike, is it?
19:14Stop, he's there!
19:21Are you sure that's the same car?
19:23Yeah.
19:24Bloody rubbish. We could have walked faster.
19:32What are you doing, seeing if it's still warm?
19:34No, I was just wondering if this shade of silver goes with my colouring.
19:38This is definitely the car.
19:40Oh!
19:41There's still no answer.
19:43Maybe she's all right.
19:45I mean, she didn't exactly look terrified when we saw her.
19:48You have to watch these Arabs, you know.
19:50I once did a week in Sharm el-Sheikh,
19:52and they're all pleased and thank you as you're getting into the taxi.
19:55Then you get to the other end and the fare's triple what they asked for
19:58and you have to nosh them off into the bargain.
20:01Oh, anybody else hungry?
20:03SHE SCREAMS
20:04Shh!
20:10SHE SCREAMS
20:12Mick!
20:16Aw!
20:17Oh, my God, Jacqueline, are you all right?
20:19What are you doing?
20:21What are you doing here?
20:23What's going on? Have you seen Madge?
20:25She's sterilised, Doctor.
20:27Kenneth!
20:29What a lovely surprise.
20:31Mick, Janice.
20:33What the hell's going on?
20:35Perhaps we should step outside.
20:37Come on, Michael, out. Out!
20:44So, what?
20:45Are you involved in all this organ transplant stuff?
20:48Organ transplant? No, no, no.
20:50It's all very consenting.
20:52So, what were you doing in there?
20:54Just a bit of role-playing.
20:56We were supposed to join a session this evening,
20:58but we couldn't find an astronaut costume to fit Jacqueline.
21:01Did you say you were looking for Madge?
21:03Last time we saw her, she was, um...
21:05Nanny!
21:07Oh, Mother, thank God you're all right.
21:09What's all right?
21:11We've been worried sick. We thought you'd been kidnapped.
21:13Kidnapped? What the frig you talking about?
21:15Oh, it don't matter. As long as you're safe.
21:18Well, I saw that fella drag you into the car.
21:21Oh. There he is.
21:23Madge.
21:25Is everything all right?
21:27Everybody.
21:29I'd like you to meet Mohammed.
21:42Hello. Is everything all right?
21:45Yes, yes. A bit of a heavy afternoon.
21:47My wife's lost most of the feeling in her legs,
21:50but we're hoping she'll be all right by this evening.
21:52I hope the accident didn't occur on Solana premises.
21:55Oh, don't worry. There was no accident.
21:57Just overdid it slightly, didn't we?
22:00Oh, yeah.
22:02Yes, I see. Well, plenty of time to relax now.
22:05No, no. We've got another session lined up for this evening.
22:08Session?
22:10Yeah. All credit to this wee gizmo here.
22:12Are you familiar with Swingfinder?
22:15Swingfinder?
22:17Oh, yes. The must-have app for the modern-day swinger.
22:20Oh, no. It's not another one, is it?
22:23No, it's just confirmation of tonight's session.
22:26Oh, I say, they're sending a car for us.
22:29Now, that's stylish.
22:31Oh, lovely.
22:33I'm sure there's room for another if you're at a loose end this evening.
22:46Thank you, Mohamed. You're most welcome.
22:48So, let's get this straight.
22:50You know my mother through Mel, is that right?
22:52Mel did a bit of business with Mohamed's dad.
22:55Did he know?
22:56Yes, I met Madge's husband several times with my father.
22:59Mel told us all about his beautiful wife.
23:02Yeah, he was married before Madge. Mick.
23:05So, you just came to Benidorm to see my mother?
23:08Well, I had something to return to Madge.
23:10Mel left us behind in Mohamed's dad's office
23:13the day before he passed away.
23:17Thankfully, this young man had the good grace
23:19to come here to return it to me.
23:21You've come all this way to return a cigarette case and a picture?
23:24I'm sorry, I just don't believe you.
23:26What is wrong with you?
23:27Please, um...
23:29Janice?
23:31It's a beautiful name.
23:33This is my third time in Benidorm in the last year,
23:36and every time I have business in Spain,
23:38at the end of my trip, I spend a couple of days here
23:40and wonder if I will find the wonderful woman Mel spoke of
23:44with so much passion and respect.
23:48We have a saying in my country,
23:50you must look in many fields before you find the missing cow.
23:55Yeah, and with a saying in my country, you're talking absolute bollocks.
23:59Nobody spends a year looking for someone they never met
24:02to give them a crappy old cig case and a worn-out photo.
24:05He bought his lighter as well.
24:07Oh, well, at five for a pound, that'll save you 20 pence.
24:10Oh.
24:11Mr Garvey, I understand your scepticism.
24:15As a son-in-law, you obviously have a love and respect for match
24:18that knows no bounds.
24:20But when I discovered Mel died in Marrakesh
24:23and that I had been one of the last people he spoke to,
24:26I felt passing on his possessions, however small,
24:29was the right thing to do, the honourable thing to do.
24:32We thought you were going to cut my nana up and sell her organs.
24:36Apparently, there's a gang in Benidorm
24:39kidnapping people and selling their organs.
24:41On the telly, it said they even sell their skin.
24:44Yeah? When we heard our Michael had seen you grab Madge,
24:47we thought you were a hitman for world of leather.
24:49This makes sense.
24:51So the woman with red hair, perhaps she was from this gang?
24:54Yeah, this woman with red hair tried to grab me.
24:57She was with two fellas and a white van.
25:00A white van? That's them?
25:02Oh, my God, Mother!
25:04I helped Mohammed grab me off her and put me in his car.
25:07What are you doing?
25:09What are you doing?
25:12Get off me!
25:14Get off me!
25:19You saved me nana's life.
25:21Oh, please, I only did what anyone else would do.
25:25Now, I would like you to be my guests for dinner this evening
25:29at my hotel, Asia Gardens.
25:31Oh, that sounds nice.
25:33You saved my mother's life.
25:35We'll be buying you dinner tonight.
25:40Mick?
25:42Well, he's just said he wants to buy us dinner.
25:47All right.
25:49Yeah, we'll take you to a little place we know, not far from here.
25:52It's very exclusive.
25:54It's called Neptune's.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:10Have you seen me dad?
26:12No, why?
26:14Well, between me and you, he's gone to choke the chicken.
26:17And he's been gone 20 minutes, so I think he might be struggling.
26:21It's an age thing.
26:23He likes to think it's hard, but...
26:25Right.
26:27Maybe I should go and give him a hand.
26:29OK.
26:31But I couldn't finish it off, so he went out the back to try himself.
26:35Poor Meryl. Meryl?
26:37That's his little pet name for it.
26:43Well, hello.
26:45Joyce Temple Savage, welcome to the Solana.
26:49You must be Victor.
26:51Victor St James, Costa Class Magazine.
26:54Thank you for coming, we're delighted...
26:56I'll tell you something, love.
26:58You're absolutely bursting for the bug.
27:01Oh, well, we have full toilet facilities on all levels.
27:06Yeah, well, this drinking pints is no use for me.
27:09I'll just siphon the python and I'll meet you for the cheeky half in the bar, yeah?
27:13Over there, yeah?
27:17I'm telling you, man, she's got this way of looking at you.
27:21It is a he, not a she.
27:23What?
27:25I know a cock when I see one.
27:27Well, it's as if he's looking right into your soul.
27:31I couldn't do it, man.
27:33Ah, you will knock her to chicken, but you will see my family starve.
27:37Because if I don't get this paella right, I will get fired.
27:41Can we not make a vegetarian paella?
27:43Vegetarian?
27:45This is fade, we eat meat.
27:48Ostia.
27:50I will have to take care of it myself.
27:52It takes a real man to do a man's job.
27:55I'll be back shortly.
28:06Room for little one?
28:08Oh, of course.
28:13I say, isn't it a lovely colour of blue with the water in Spain?
28:19Yes.
28:22Noreen, I just want to say sorry about earlier.
28:26I was a bit off.
28:28Oh, don't worry about it.
28:32What do you say I take you out for a nice meal tonight?
28:35My way of saying sorry.
28:37We could eat at Neptune's.
28:40I said a nice meal.
28:44Oh, why the act not?
28:46We're on holiday.
28:48It's nice to do something a bit different.
28:51Yes.
29:01Oh, I'm really sorry, Victor.
29:03I didn't realise you were here.
29:05I've been waiting for you outside the loo.
29:07Careful, it's how I got started.
29:11Oh, Kenneth.
29:14Shouldn't you be manning the International Beauty Salon?
29:18We're very lucky to have Kenneth.
29:20He's very big all over the Costas.
29:22Chances be a fine thing.
29:24Yeah.
29:25He was just telling me about his celebrity client list.
29:28Celebrity?
29:29Apparently he's done them all.
29:31Yeah, and I've cut their hair.
29:34So, how do you style Elton John's hair?
29:37Between me and you, Victor,
29:39I just pop it on an eco-washing tumble, dry it for half an hour.
29:42Otherwise...
29:45Kenneth, could I have a little word with one?
29:48Just for a moment. Do excuse us.
29:54What are you playing at?
29:55Have you been sniffing the perm solution again?
29:57No, I'm trying to inject a bit of excitement.
30:00Did you not know he was in the Mar last week
30:02and he gave this place five stars because they had the quilted bog roll?
30:05He knows his onions. This one, you know.
30:07Thank you, I can handle it.
30:08I've had a lot of experience dealing with high-class clientele.
30:11You've got to be joking. He's rough as a badger's arse.
30:14Victor may be presenting himself as an uncle's northerner
30:17with low standards, a coarse turn of phrase,
30:19but it's all a ploy to catch us off our guard.
30:25Victor, could I offer you one of our signature cocktails?
30:29Any brown ale will do for me, Jill.
30:31Do it.
30:33And, er...
30:34Fetch us some more of them nuts, will you?
30:42Shh! I think that's them.
30:43What you doing, man?
30:45Oh!
30:47What have you let out the kids for?
30:49He's got this way of looking at you.
30:54It's OK, Meryl.
30:56It's OK.
30:59Be very quiet and very still.
31:02When he does not expect it, I will bounce.
31:06One, two, three...
31:12He's gone back.
31:20The legs, the legs!
31:22Go on, move the dog!
31:26The legs!
31:27Jill, Jill, Jill!
31:29Jill, Jill, Jill!
31:41Here comes my happiness again
31:48Right back to where it should have been
31:53Here at Neptune's, we offer live entertainment seven nights a week.
31:57Wow.
31:58You'll notice a nautical theme throughout,
32:00reflecting in the name, Neptune's,
32:03coming from the Latin for sea, as in nep,
32:07and tunes, as in music.
32:11So, Victor, what do you think so far?
32:15To be honest with you, it's all right.
32:18All right?
32:19I mean, a place like this, there's only so much you can do with it.
32:23It's just parking, booking stuff, there's nothing, see?
32:26Don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving the punters what they want,
32:29but this lot here, egg and chips, dose of prickly eat,
32:32they're like pigs in shit.
32:34Well, I wouldn't say...
32:35The crowd that run it, they're not daft.
32:37That's why they got you in.
32:38Well, exactly.
32:40More crisps.
32:42Oh, this is Matteo Castellanos.
32:44He's our head barman.
32:46He's very experienced,
32:47and always gives that extra mark for the customers.
32:50Matteo, could you please get Mr St James a selection of nibbles?
32:55Matteo!
32:57A selection of nibbles for Mr St James, please.
33:01What is nibbles?
33:03And some dips and crudités, if you please.
33:07I do not know what any of these things are.
33:12Very conscientious member of staff, isn't he?
33:17He must be looking for some broken glass or something.
33:23I'll get you some more crisps.
33:27I cannot find it anywhere.
33:29You lower Lane, he'll find it.
33:30Right.
33:31Vegetarian paella!
33:33Come on!
33:34Oh, no, Lane, son.
33:37What has he done now?
33:38He's left the heat on, man. It's ruined.
33:40Oh, no.
33:43That's it. It's all over.
33:45Aye, well, as me old dad used to say,
33:47you can't polish a turd,
33:49but you can spray it with air freshener.
33:51What does it mean?
33:53It means we'll go to plan B.
33:57But you cannot cook.
33:58You want to bet?
34:00I was a chef on the old rigs before our Lane was born.
34:03What I can't do with a couple of gas rings
34:05and a wooden spoon's nobody's business.
34:14That was lovely.
34:16I've never had seal before.
34:18I think you'll find that was veal, Noreen.
34:21Was it?
34:22Better not tell our Jeff.
34:24He's very funny about that sort of thing.
34:29Are you missing your fella?
34:33I'm managing.
34:35What about that nice chap that has the hairdressers?
34:40What about him?
34:41Well, would you and him not make a nice couple?
34:45Troy and I haven't actually split up.
34:48Besides, I don't think he'd really be my type.
34:51No, true.
34:53I mean, he's quite butch, isn't he?
34:58Everything's so out in the open these days.
35:02My day, it was all hush-hush.
35:07I remember a lovely young lass called Georgie Smith.
35:12She ran the mobile shop.
35:15Everybody said they thought she was a bit, you know.
35:20Really?
35:22Just cos she wore steel-cap boots
35:25and made me lift me skirt and show her me knees
35:28before she'd give me me change.
35:33I don't know.
35:35Would you like a dessert?
35:37I don't think so, thank you.
35:40It's always best not to go on a full stomach.
35:43Remember that night with the lovely couple from Himmel-Hempstead?
35:47How could I forget?
35:48Scotch, egg and Guinness is a heady mix indeed.
35:52Still no sign of the driver.
35:54I'm sure he'll be fine, though.
35:56He seems very well organised.
36:00Seeing as I celebrated my nana not being kidnapped and chopped up,
36:04can I have a proper drink?
36:06How many times?
36:07No.
36:08Mum!
36:09I know.
36:10You're 13, you can have a ginger beer.
36:12What's that?
36:13It's as good as it gets, son.
36:15At least it's got the word beer in it.
36:17Nice one.
36:18This food is very interesting.
36:21I don't think I've tasted anything like this before.
36:24No, you won't have done.
36:26What's the food like in Marrakesh?
36:28I bet it's not like this.
36:29No, not at all.
36:30It is, how do you say, fresh.
36:35So, what kind of business are you in, Mohammed?
36:39You've obviously got a lot of time on your hands.
36:41Have you got absolutely no manners whatsoever?
36:44I work for my father.
36:45He has many business interests.
36:47He first started many years ago
36:49making rugs for three hotel chains in Marrakesh.
36:52In fact, the first time I met Mel,
36:54he was admiring a rug in my father's shop.
36:56Oh, and don't tell us,
36:57he bought one and never paid for it.
36:59How much do we owe you?
37:00My father now owns all three of those hotel chains.
37:04He still has his rug shop.
37:06He kept it out of sentimental reasons.
37:08But there is a small matter of Mel's business dealings in Marrakesh.
37:12Here we go, I wonder how long it'll take.
37:15Mel had invested a considerable amount of money in Marrakesh
37:18and I would like to help you to retrieve it.
37:22You are?
37:23We can discuss that tomorrow.
37:24This is not a time for business.
37:26This is a time for remembrance and celebration.
37:30Celebration of the life of a good man.
37:33Hear, hear.
37:34Well, we don't mind talking about business now, do we?
37:37Here's to Mel Harvey.
37:39What are we talking about, Mohammed?
37:41Like a property, a bar, what?
37:43Tomorrow.
37:45Mel Harvey.
37:47Dad?
37:48Are you all right?
37:50Are you sweating?
37:54And there goes my baby.
37:58Yeah, it's the first time I've ever worn a kilt.
38:00It's quite nice, you know, in this heat,
38:01cos it lets all the air into you a bit.
38:06What's up with your face?
38:08Do you know, Kevin,
38:09I think I know exactly what game Mr St James is playing.
38:13He's trying to lure me into dropping my guard at him, I'm afraid.
38:16He's picking on the wrong character.
38:18Can I have a quiet word, Mrs Satchel?
38:20Where's Mateo? Where's the paella?
38:22Oh, it's just coming.
38:23Mateo says he's very sorry about the delay,
38:25but he had to make a few minor adjustments to the recipe.
38:28Aye, aye. I'll leave you to that.
38:31Victor, this is Les.
38:33He is one of several Michelin star chefs who work at our salona.
38:37You all right, pal? Nice to meet you.
38:38Michelin star?
38:40Do you know Francois Shelley?
38:42Yeah, I'm in some paella, yeah.
38:44You play for Carlyle?
38:46Oh, here we are then, Victor.
38:48I asked the kitchen staff to make you something a little bit special.
38:51Come on. I'm sure Mr James is bound to be hungry.
38:54He's only had... Eight.
38:56..eight bags of crisps.
39:07Ta-da!
39:09Bags of mash.
39:11Oh, aye, well, proper English, bungers.
39:14None of your Spanish shite.
39:15Oh, my God. Victor, I'm so sorry.
39:19I specifically asked the kitchen staff
39:21to make you a traditional Spanish dish.
39:24You are? Traditional Spanish?
39:27I can't be buggered with any of that muck.
39:29No, this is proper grub, this is.
39:31Eh? I could have told you, Jill.
39:33Give the punters what they want.
39:35Hmm?
39:36Don't just stand there. Get us a knife and fork.
39:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:49Well, I must say, Eliza Doolittle,
39:51your transformation to a lady is almost complete.
39:54And so is my 20 euro reward.
39:57Don't remind me.
39:58I hope you're going to put it towards getting absolutely wasted tonight.
40:01Maybe.
40:02Might just take it easy, though.
40:04There's a sightseeing tour of a local church tomorrow morning.
40:08I want to be off for that.
40:12You're not serious, are you?
40:13Why not?
40:14I've been missing out on culture and polite society.
40:17Might just give it a shot.
40:19Better than lying in bed. There's no hangover.
40:22I've created a bleeding monster.
40:24I want my best mate back,
40:26the one that farts and swears and arm-wrestles for drinks.
40:29She's a thing of the past, Sam.
40:31This is the new and improved me.
40:33Right.
40:34One more than an early night, I think.
40:41Are you sure I can't tempt you to a café con leche by the pool?
40:45Nah.
40:46Victor.
40:48Let's cut to the chase.
40:50You are?
40:51We both know what's been going on.
40:53I've had 25 years in the service industry.
40:56It takes a lot to pull the wool over my eyes.
40:59Oh, right. OK, then.
41:02How does 400 sound?
41:04What?
41:05Go on, then.
41:06350, provided you make it British money.
41:09The exchange rate's crap at the minute.
41:11I didn't know what you were talking about.
41:13I see what you're doing.
41:14A bit exposed here, is it?
41:15We can always go through somewhere a bit more private and discuss it.
41:20Hang on.
41:21You want me to pay for this review?
41:23Of course I do.
41:25How much do you think a dump like this is going to get a decent write-up?
41:28350?
41:30Yeah.
41:31I can't afford that.
41:33It's deal or no deal.
41:34You have a little think about it.
41:36I'll just keep off to the...
41:38The bar, Danny.
41:45Right, gorgeous.
41:47Hello.
41:49I was just, er...
41:51admiring the view.
41:53Of what?
41:55Oh, I see.
41:57If I'd known that, I would have charged you.
41:59Oh.
42:01That's not fair.
42:05How does 21 sound?
42:07I'd beg your pardon?
42:09All right, 25.
42:11All right, 25.
42:12You don't have to push the hook around here.
42:15You really need to move your hand.
42:18I think it's fine where it is.
42:20Do you?
42:22Excuse me a minute.
42:31It's awful.
42:34Oh.
42:4020 euros.
42:42Dickhead.
42:4350?
42:44Anna might have thought about it.
42:48Eliza has left the building.
42:57Still no sign.
42:58I don't understand it.
43:00The pop to the lid is impressionable.
43:19Party, party.
43:21Ah, yes, party of two.
43:23I got the manager to call us a taxi.
43:25I don't trust the ones on the street.
43:27Yes, that's us.
43:29Ah, yes, she's an English rose.
43:31Come on, Maureen, let's head back.
43:33Wait.
43:35Before we go, a toast.
43:38Here's to making mistakes.
43:41Mistakes.
43:50Donald, I've just figured out what's wrong.
43:53I'm not wearing my secret signal.
43:56Of course.
43:57They'll be able to spot us now.
44:03Did they tell you where we were going at the restaurant, the Solana?
44:12I always get the ones that don't speak any English.
44:15Oh, sod it. I'm not going to worry any more, Maureen.
44:18Que será, será.
44:20Que será, será.
44:22Será el polvo de vuestra vida.
44:26Just nod. It's easier.
44:29Sí, señor.
44:41I'm so sorry, Victor.
44:43I do hope you won't hold this against us in any way.
44:46I think I'll just step outside for a spot of air.
44:50Feel a little bit.
44:51Yes, just a minute.
45:05Everything all right, Mr Savage?
45:07Yes, it's a disaster.
45:09Oh, I wouldn't worry. He seemed to enjoy himself.
45:12What sort of stuff is he going to print about us now?
45:15It'll take a miracle to get us out of this.
45:20Excuse me. Do you have a light?
45:23Don't smoke, darling.
45:25You must have healthy lungs, then.
45:28Hmm. Not as healthy as yours, love, eh?
45:34Hey, what's going on? Hey, what's this? What's happening?
45:37What are you doing? Hey!
45:49Hey!