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Short filmTranscript
00:00You've seen my teeth. You tried your mouth.
00:15Now don't get sarky, Rodney. I had them last night. I meant to put them in soak. I might
00:22have left them in the kitchen. Do you want any breakfast, Rodney?
00:27No, I don't. My belly's going up and down like Tower Bridge.
00:31I'll see if we've got anything out here for you.
00:35Ah, there you are, Rodney. Morning. Great night last night, wasn't it?
00:39Hey, Grandad, I found your teeth. They were outside by the rubbish chute.
00:44How did you get them out there?
00:46Well, I don't know, do I? Did you lend them to anyone?
00:49Of course I didn't.
00:51Are you sure?
00:55Here, put a couple of rashers of streaky in that pan for me, will you, Grandad?
00:58That's what you need, Rodney, after a night on the old drink.
01:01A nice drop of the old bacon fat. Slides down the little red lane like a pint of duckums on a warm morning.
01:08What's the matter with you? You're not still sulking, are you?
01:11No.
01:12No.
01:13No.
01:14No.
01:15God, come on. Grow up, Rodney. Grow up, will you?
01:17What's up with him now?
01:19I'll tell you what's the matter with him, shall I, Grandad?
01:22The other day I met a couple of birds, right? Well, when I say a couple of birds, a mother and her daughter.
01:26Now, I've known them for a long time. They're two very charming people.
01:29Anyway, I suggested that we made up a foursome, right?
01:32So last night we went out for a drink. We took them out, gave them a nice drink, had a lovely meal.
01:37And then, look, him over there, he goes and gets the salts, doesn't he?
01:39What's the matter with you, Rodney? Sounds like a nice evening.
01:43Grandad, when he said we was going out with a mother and her daughter, I assumed that I'd be with the daughter.
01:50Instead of that, he dragged me around every pub on the old Kent Road, holding hands with some old sort with a cough.
01:58I thought it was a very romantic evening, Rodney.
02:01Well, it might have been for you, Dale.
02:03For me, the night air was filled with all the sensuous promise of a tour around the Sanatogym works.
02:08Here, how's that bacon?
02:10All right. You didn't get in till four o'clock. What do you do? Go back to their place?
02:15No, don't get excited.
02:18We went on to this little spit-drinking club I know of at New Cross.
02:21Here, you know who was there, Grandad? Tommy Razzle. Do you remember Tommy? He used to live in Caffell's house.
02:27Oh, young Razzle. Used to have that dog.
02:29Yeah, that's right. Well, he's married her now.
02:34He's still on the underground.
02:36No, no, no. Him and Monkey Harris, they've teamed up together. They put in full ceilings or something.
02:41They'd just come back from Saudi Arabia. They was putting in a full ceiling in a dental clinic or something.
02:46Anyway, they had a big row, didn't they, Rodney, last night?
02:48You should have seen it. You see, Tommy, he reckoned that he'd seen a salt beef bar in Jeddah.
02:53And Monkey Harris said, no way.
02:55Anyway, before we knew where we were, they was off, weren't they?
02:58Oh, tables flying, bottles, glasses.
03:00Almost had to call for the manager at one point, didn't I?
03:03Yeah, that's right. It was as bad as that.
03:05Anyway, somebody phoned the lawn, right?
03:07And who do they send but a young policewoman?
03:10Well, of course, that was it, wasn't it? You should have seen him over there, what?
03:13She hid his eyes. They went all goggly like that.
03:15And then he was sniffing round her.
03:17I wasn't sniffing round her. I merely asked her if she needed any assistance.
03:22Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
03:24There was Monkey Harris draped over a keep left sign.
03:27There was Tommy with the handcuffs on.
03:28Their two wives were fighting like a couple of strays.
03:31And this plonker here is trying to date the arresting officer.
03:34You should have seen it. It was pathetic he was going home.
03:37Well, I think I'll go and get the pictures tomorrow.
03:42Do you want a can?
03:46The only date that you would have got with her was 10 o'clock Monday morning,
03:49Orsferry Road, Magistrate.
03:51How's that bacon?
03:52Oh, I'll have a look at it.
03:54Oh, did you get caught round last night?
03:57Yeah, what do you want?
03:58With these watches.
03:59Watches?
04:01Watches, look.
04:03Knocked off, are they?
04:06No, they're not knocked off.
04:08They're knocked off. He's a comedian, isn't he?
04:13There you go, these are not bad.
04:15Look at that, Rodney, look at that.
04:17What do you think of that, eh?
04:18Respondez-vous, c'est vous play, isn't it, that one?
04:21Hey, they're not bad, is it, Adams?
04:23No, yeah, I reckon that's a Longuine or a Cartier.
04:26Yeah?
04:27She could have said they're four quid each.
04:29Four quid each?
04:31Eh?
04:32Oh, well, of course.
04:33Oh, boy.
04:34Yeah?
04:35I've burnt your bacon.
04:37Oh, you stupid old git.
04:40I told you to look after it, didn't I?
04:42Never mind, you can have it.
04:43Come on in, Rodney.
04:44Let's go and see if we can flog some of these watches.
04:46We'll stop off at Sid's place on the way, all right?
04:48Yeah, right.
04:49Actually, I could do with something to eat now.
04:51I feel a bit better after that.
04:52What have you done with my sterodent?
04:59Go on, Ben, eat.
05:04I see I have dropped the point.
05:07Yeah?
05:11Chelsea dropped three on Saturday.
05:14They should never have sold Greavesy, should they?
05:16Come on in, you're fit.
05:17Yeah, right.
05:19Right.
05:21What did you have, Del Boy?
05:22Just a packet of biscuits and a cup of tea, Sid.
05:25What did you really have?
05:27Sausage, bacon,
05:30sausage, bacon,
05:33double egg, beans and tomatoes,
05:36mushrooms, black pudding
05:40and chips.
05:44Three teas, two bread.
05:50Bread was toasted.
05:53No fried slice?
05:54No, not this morning, Sid.
05:55Her belly's a bit dicky.
05:57What did you have, Rodney?
05:59Just my usual bacteria on toast, you know.
06:03One day, I'll smack him in the mouth.
06:05Yeah, if you can find it.
06:07Here, coming down to Nags Head tonight?
06:09I've got a couple of strippers on.
06:12I'm going out tonight.
06:13Oh, here, take that back.
06:15I want one of them down there, one of them biscuits.
06:17All right.
06:18Oh, yeah, where are you going?
06:19I didn't tell you, did I?
06:20I've got a bird, Sandra.
06:23Sandra?
06:24Where did you meet her, then?
06:25She was down at the club last night.
06:27I didn't see you talking to anyone last night.
06:29Not even the bird that you were supposed to be with.
06:31Who was Sandra, then?
06:32That part-time barmaid, was she?
06:33No, it's not a part-time wallah.
06:35She's got a career.
06:36Oh, career.
06:37What is she, a lollipop woman?
06:39No, a place woman.
06:41I mean, Rodney going out with a place woman.
06:59What are the neighbours going to say?
07:01Why is he doing it to us, Del Boy?
07:05Because he's kinky, isn't he?
07:08He's got what leading psychiatrists call a thing about police women's uniforms.
07:14Well, if that's all he wants, can't we club together and buy him one?
07:20He don't want to wear it.
07:22He wants the police woman to wear it.
07:25Gordon Bennett, he may be perverted, but he ain't dangerous.
07:36Del, do you...
07:40Could I please have the keys to the van, Del?
07:52Wait.
07:54Have you stopped to consider how your actions are going to affect our business?
07:58Don't you realise that them streets out there are our boardroom, our factory floor?
08:03And the people that live in them are our customers, our business acquaintances.
08:07How do you think they're going to feel about doing business with...
08:10with a grass?
08:12Bloody hell, Del, I'm just taking a bird to the pictures and suddenly I'm Bertie Smalls.
08:17You're not taking a bird, you're taking a...
08:20police woman.
08:22But under the uniform, she's just the same as any other girl.
08:25Our kind and their kind don't mix, Rodney.
08:28We're like cats and dogs.
08:30I mean, you'll have to watch every word in case you say something incriminating.
08:34Them people's never off duty.
08:36Oh, don't talk rubbish, Grandad.
08:38She's hardly going to nick the bloke that's taken her out, is she?
08:41What do you know about it, you wally brain?
08:43Don't you know that...
08:44Don't you know that police officers have to take a vow...
08:47that if necessary, they will nick their own mum and dad?
08:50She's hardly going to think twice about a ragbag like you, is she?
08:54Now, you're trying to run my life again, aren't you, Del?
08:57If I let you get away with it this time, I won't be able to go for a Nelson Riddle...
09:00without you giving me a blueprint.
09:02Leave it out.
09:04Hear that? Hear that? Hear that?
09:06After all I've done for him.
09:08Oh, cheers, Del.
09:09What have you ever done for me?
09:11What have I done for you? I've brought you up.
09:14I've fed you, I've clothed you.
09:16I picked you up when you fell down.
09:18I wiped your tears away.
09:22But most important of all, Rodney, I've always been there.
09:26Besides that.
09:30Always used to take you away on holidays?
09:32Oh, yeah, the Costa Del Kent.
09:34That's right, yeah.
09:36You used to create therapeutic little adventure games, didn't you?
09:39Like, let's see who can pick the most hops today, Rodney.
09:42Hopping was all we could afford, wasn't it, Grandad?
09:45You've either got a short memory, Rodney, or you're just ungrateful.
09:49Don't you remember the time when your little mate Roy Taylor...
09:53...got a set of Jacko roller skates for his birthday?
09:56You come in crying cos you didn't have none.
09:59The next day, Del Boy brought you in a pair exactly the same as Roy Taylor's.
10:04What do you mean, exactly the same as Roy Taylor's?
10:07They were Roy Taylor's.
10:09His big brother gave me a right hiding when he caught me on him.
10:12Yeah, I got him back for you, though, didn't I?
10:14Yeah, fine consolation that was, wasn't it?
10:16I'm sat in me little bed with a split lip and an headache.
10:19All right, all right, then.
10:20Who paid your fine when you got caught for smoking pot?
10:23Yeah, well, I could have handled that myself.
10:25Well, 300 quid do me a favour, Rodders.
10:27I remember when you got nicked for riding your motor scooter without a crash hat.
10:31You only got fined five quid and you asked for time to pay.
10:35You've always been a bad one, Rodney.
10:37Yeah, right.
10:38Cos I didn't wear a crash helmet.
10:40I mean smoking marijuana.
10:42You brought a slur upon the family name.
10:46Oh, leave off, Grandad.
10:47I'd have to get done for chicken molesting to bring a slur on his family's name.
10:51Oi, oi, that's enough of that.
10:55It's a good thing your mum died when she did, cos that would have killed her.
11:05Why don't you shut up, you soppy old goat?
11:08Look, I don't care what neither of you say, I'm going out, right?
11:11I mean, you're always on about how you brought me up, how you kept me.
11:16The one thing you've never told me is why.
11:20Well, to tell you the truth, the council wouldn't let me keep a dog in the flat.
11:27Well, I think it's because you wanted to see me develop into a mature adult.
11:31Someone who could stand on his own two feet, independent.
11:34And one of the little clauses in my independence deal is that I decide where I go, what I do and with whom.
11:41All right, Rodney, all right. Why don't you do that small thing?
11:43You decide where you go, what you do and with whom you do it.
11:46Because I'm finished with you. I've washed me hands of you.
11:49As far as I'm concerned, you don't exist.
11:53Right?
11:59And Rodney.
12:00What?
12:01It's been raining and roads will be treacherous. Drive carefully.
12:07Yeah, I will.
12:09Cheers, Del.
12:10What for?
12:12Nothing.
12:13Well, I shouldn't be too late. Sandra's got to be up early.
12:16She's on riot patrol.
12:31The world's a strange place to live in, isn't it?
12:33Isn't it, eh, Grandad?
12:36One minute you walk along quite nicely and the next minute, whack!
12:39Life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts.
12:44Oh, I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time, Del boy.
12:48It was them that started me drinking.
12:56Now I can understand that.
13:00A boy's grown into a man.
13:03I don't... I don't feel as needed as I used to be.
13:09Soon he'll... he'll fly the nest.
13:14But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is?
13:19One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years.
13:39Yeah, I was watching that.
13:43Got me own?
13:44No, not yet.
13:46His mouse probably drove her home.
13:48Yeah, more than likely.
13:54He's late, aren't he?
13:56Here.
13:57I hope she hasn't asked to see his M.O.T.
14:04Here he is now.
14:05Ah!
14:06Oi! Hello, Z Victor one. How'd you get on?
14:10I hope you didn't leave any fingerprints over the suspect.
14:14Shh, Del.
14:15What?
14:16He's got her home with him.
14:17He's done what?
14:19What's he trying to do to me?
14:20Quick, Grandad, hide things.
14:22What things?
14:23Well, everything, innit?
14:25That's better for a start.
14:26Quick, get rid of the booze, Grandad, the booze.
14:28Get rid of the booze.
14:33Oh, hello.
14:34Hello.
14:35Yeah, we was just talking about you, weren't we, Grandad?
14:37We just said, yeah, we'll give Rodney another month
14:39and then we'll phone the police.
14:42I just brought Sandra back for a nightcap.
14:44Oh, oh.
14:45Good.
14:47Hello again.
14:48Yeah, hello.
14:49Again.
14:51Well, did you...
14:53Did you enjoy the film?
14:54Yes, it was very good.
14:56Take you to see something romantic, did he?
14:58No, The Exterminator.
14:59Oh, The Exterminator.
15:01Well, of course, to Rodney that is romantic.
15:03I mean, he cried his little eyes out over the chainsaw massacre.
15:08Do you want to sit down, Sandra?
15:17And what have you been doing?
15:18Nothing. No, no, no, nothing.
15:22We've been in all evening, haven't we, Grandad?
15:24Yeah, and we've got witnesses to prove it.
15:28I wasn't asking you to provide an alibi.
15:30I was just enquiring out politeness.
15:32Oh, yeah, yes.
15:33Yeah, of course she was, Sandra, sorry.
15:35It's just that, you know, us being such a law-abiding family,
15:38we don't really know how to converse with the old Bill.
15:43He's got a police record.
15:45Yeah, so walking on the moon.
15:50You know, you've heard that one, haven't you?
15:53Yeah, yeah.
15:54I'll pay it for you later on if you like, you know, if you haven't heard it.
15:57Do you like police LP, Sandra?
15:59I've got the latest one.
16:00It hasn't even been released yet, has it, Bill?
16:06Well, if it hasn't been released, how do you come by it?
16:08No, no, what he means is, no, it hasn't been released in Britain yet.
16:11You see, we got it when we was abroad on holiday.
16:13Yeah.
16:15We got it on holiday.
16:16Where did you go?
16:17Spain.
16:20We toured.
16:21Yeah, we toured, we toured.
16:23Yeah, we toured, we toured.
16:35Well, this is pleasant, isn't it?
16:43You know, um...
16:46Rodney, you know, he tried to join the police force once, yeah.
16:49It was after he failed the intelligence test to become a Unigate milkman.
16:54He's joking.
16:55No, no, I'm not.
16:56Here, that's a very nice-looking watch you've got there, Sandra, isn't it?
17:00Yes, lovely, isn't it? Rodney gave it to me.
17:05Rodney?
17:06Of course, he's a very generous lad, Rodney, you know.
17:08Sometimes I think he's too generous for his own good.
17:11Yeah, come on.
17:12Rodney, shall you and me get Sandra a drink, eh?
17:14You and me, and me and you, you know, together, you and me.
17:17Yeah, yeah, all right.
17:18What'll you have, Sandra?
17:19Gin and tonic, please.
17:20Gin and tea.
17:24Here, here, here, here, here.
17:25Cheers.
17:26Cheers.
17:27Why'd you give her that watch for?
17:28Don't worry, I'll give you the money for it.
17:30Don't worry about that. I'm not worried about the money, am I?
17:33Don't you realise those watches are a very sought-after property?
17:36They are specially sought after by the river police and the flying squad.
17:44You mean they're hot?
17:45Hot. They are so hot, it is advisable to wear oven gloves when winding them up.
17:50What? You told me they were straight.
17:52Yeah, well, I lied. I lied, didn't I?
17:54Appalachian Bordeaux Control, eh?
17:57What?
17:58We've got to think of a way to get that watch back off her.
18:01Yeah, yeah, I'll just say,
18:02Sandra, can I have the watch back, cos I only lent it you.
18:06No, we can't do that, Ma.
18:07She might get suspicious, mightn't she?
18:09I'll have to think of something subtle.
18:11That's what I like about you, you'll try anything once.
18:13Away, away.
18:14I've got an idea here.
18:16Just watch me.
18:18Oh, here we are, Sandra.
18:20I've got a nice gin and tonic for you.
18:22Here, Utna, please.
18:23Allow me to put it on the arm of the chaise lounge for you.
18:26Whoops!
18:27Oh, dear, oh, dear. Butterfingers.
18:31No, no, it's all right, don't worry.
18:32Oh, I do worry, I do. I mean, I feel partly responsible.
18:36Yes.
18:37Oh, look, you're all wet.
18:38Granddad, can you bring a cloth?
18:40Look at that, all over your nice new watch and all.
18:42Give it to me, I'll get it repaired for you.
18:43Oh, no, no, honestly, it doesn't matter. It's waterproof.
18:46Eh?
18:47Yeah, well, I know it's waterproof, but is it gin-proof?
18:49It's a very funny thing.
18:50You don't quite know where you're standing with this thing.
18:52I've got this thing...
18:56Sorry, sorry about that. He's a bit eccentric, you know.
18:59Now, if you give me that watch, I'll get it repaired for you, all right?
19:03Yeah, yeah, he's right, Sandra,
19:04cos it's probably out of guarantee now it's been soaked in gin, you know.
19:07Well, are you sure you don't mind?
19:08Mind? La plume de la mouton!
19:11It'll be a pleasure.
19:12There you are. That's right.
19:13Look, I'll let you have this back in, what, you know, a couple of months.
19:16It'll be as good as new.
19:17Well, come on in, Rodney, you know, get Sandra another drink, all right?
19:21Yeah.
19:23That got you out of stock, didn't it, eh?
19:25What do you mean, got me out of stock?
19:26You put me in it in the first place.
19:27Oh, that's all right. Go on, pass the buck.
19:30All right, yeah.
19:32Now, listen, no more cock-ups.
19:34Just, you know, just think before you act, all right?
19:37Right.
19:38Good.
19:39I'm sorry, Sandra, we seem to be right out of gin, eh?
19:42No, we're not.
19:43No, I've got another three cases of it down here.
19:48I don't believe it.
19:49I don't believe it.
19:51What a plonker.
19:52What a plonker.
20:01Oh.
20:04Well, here we are.
20:05Yes, here we are.
20:09Do they let you bring a uniform home, Sandra?
20:13Yeah, it's hanging in my wardrobe. Why?
20:15Nothing.
20:17Nothing.
20:25Rodney?
20:26Yes, Sandra?
20:28Can I ask you something?
20:31Yeah, what is it?
20:34You know your flat?
20:36Yeah.
20:38Well, is there anything in it that's legally yours?
20:44I recognised a lot of the stuff from Scotland Yard photos in Police 5.
20:49Yeah.
20:52Well, I mean, you're not interested in the little things that fall off the backs of lorries, are you?
20:57No, but I am interested in who pushed them and who picked them up.
21:01I mean, you had three cases of export gin.
21:04You can't buy that in Britain.
21:06No, no, we got it on holiday.
21:10Oh, you smuggle as well?
21:13Oh, come on, Sandra, I bought you a doner kebab tonight.
21:18And you gave me a stolen watch.
21:20No, I didn't know that was knit.
21:22Well, tell that to the beat, Rodney.
21:25You don't seem to realise.
21:27I'm trying to build a career in the police force.
21:30Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property?
21:35Put you in charge of the Christmas Club, more like.
21:38This is not funny, Rodney.
21:40This is not funny, Rodney. I could end up with the SEC.
21:44Which of you two's the culprit, you or your brother?
21:47No, it's not...
21:50Yeah, it's me.
21:52Del. Del don't know anything about it. He's a bit of a wally, you see.
21:58Well, come quietly, miss. It's a fair cop.
22:01Come.
22:07If I was to carry out my duty to the full, I'd take you straight down the station now.
22:12But you did take me to the pictures.
22:15And you bought me a doner kebab.
22:16And a packet of cashews.
22:18And a watch.
22:20Oh, well, forget about the watch.
22:23No, I won't forget about the watch.
22:25Neither will I forget about the others your brother hid down the side of the armchair.
22:30Look, I'll give you 24 hours breathing space.
22:34Time to, shall we say, spring clean your flat.
22:37And after that, I'm coming round with the CID.
22:40That's 24 hours, Rodney.
22:43Yeah, right.
22:45Reminds me of that Gene Pitney song, you know.
22:4724 hours from Dartmoor.
22:51Well, thanks for a lovely evening, Sandra.
22:55Thank you, Rodney.
22:57But I fancy a coffee.
22:59Oh, do you?
23:01Well, there's an all-night sandwich bar down the Walworth Road.
23:05Oh, yeah.
23:07I might as probably pop down there, then.
23:11Sandra, will I see you again?
23:13Of course you will.
23:15I'll be round your flight in 24 hours.
23:18And in case you don't recognise me in uniform, I'll be the one with the warrant.
23:27Well, we've got 24 hours, Del.
23:31Well, as you so rightly say, Del.
23:33Rodney, 24 hours is better than nothing.
23:36Thanks for being so understanding, Del.
23:38I'm going to kill you, Rodney!
23:41Listen, that's right. This is it, you dipstick.
23:43Have you got any last requests?
23:45Yeah, I want to leave my plimpsels to medical science.
23:47Now, get off!
23:48No, I won't get off.
23:49Just wait a minute.
23:50What's up with you now? I thought you'd calmed down.
23:53I had calmed down.
23:54Then I trapped my finger in a flat on that table,
23:56got myself a black man's pinch, and it's all this dipstick's fault.
23:59I've said I'm sorry, and I mean, what more does he want me to say?
24:02You could say, I'm emigrating, Del Boy.
24:05I'm jumping off the balcony, Del Boy.
24:07Anything that would cheer me up.
24:09Anybody can make a mistake, Del Boy.
24:12Yeah, you're right.
24:13Look at the mistake Mum and Dad made.
24:15How could they produce such a stupid kid?
24:17Oh, don't put yourself down, Del.
24:20I'll chin you, I will.
24:22Look, we ain't got time to stand here arguing.
24:24We've only got a few hours to get rid of all this stuff.
24:27That's right.
24:28Help me clear out this sideboard.
24:29Make it a bit lighter.
24:31Can we get this sideboard down a key straight, then?
24:33I don't know, Rodney, I don't know.
24:35Half the stuff in this flat is legal, the other half isn't.
24:38It's been such a long time, I just don't know what's bloody what anymore.
24:42We've got to get rid of the whole issue.
24:43Patrick, come on.
24:44Oh, I know there's something that I mustn't forget.
24:49Oi, Del.
24:50What?
24:51Can I keep one of these bottles of aftershave?
24:53Yeah, what for?
24:55Well, it's just in case Sandra comes round a bit early, you know.
25:02Just come here a minute.
25:03No, I don't want it now.
25:05Come here a minute.
25:06Come here, you!
25:07You just come here!