Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S07 Е01 - Rodney Come Home
Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00All you can do is step back in time.
00:04All the confusion when...
00:06There's nothing new and there's nothing to it.
00:09Step back in time.
00:11When you can't find a music to get down and boogie.
00:14All you can do is step back in time.
00:18Oh, go on then.
00:19Albert might come out here any second.
00:22You've only got to pop across the corridor to the bathroom.
00:24It's not a life or death dash over no man's land, is it?
00:29He doesn't know I'm staying in here with you.
00:32He still thinks I sleep in Rodney's old room and Rodney sleeps on the settee.
00:36We'll have to tell him the truth, Del.
00:38All right, all right, sweetheart.
00:41If it makes you happy, you tell him.
00:43Me? I can't tell him.
00:45It's embarrassing. He's your uncle. You tell him.
00:48All right, I'll tell him. What's the matter with you?
00:51He don't bother me, honestly.
00:54Get back. He's coming. He's coming.
00:59Cheer up, Del Boyt.
01:01Good morning, son. Morning.
01:03Here's your papers. Financial times.
01:06Thank you. Exchange of mark.
01:08Yeah.
01:09I'll look up the closing prices on the Tokyo Stock Exchange at the breakfast table.
01:14Yeah, you please yourself, son. Thank you.
01:17Raquel, cup of tea, love?
01:21You awake? Raquel?
01:24I'll leave it outside for you, love.
01:26Step back in time for the confusion.
01:29Ah.
01:34Confusion, for the confusion.
01:36Something smells nice out in the kitchen, Albert.
01:38Yeah, I'd just do meself some egg and bacon, son.
01:40What do you want for breakfast? Something healthy or something nice?
01:45Yes, do us a fry-up, will you? But look lively, cos I don't want Raquel seen.
01:48She's into this iFiber goblers.
01:51Good boy.
01:52Have you managed to have a talk with young Rodney yet?
01:54Yeah, what about?
01:55What do you mean, what about?
01:57He left his wife and come back to live here.
01:59Well, he's a full-grown adult, isn't he? What am I supposed to do?
02:02Well, I don't know. You could appeal to his common sense.
02:04Oh, yeah? And then after lunch, I'll go out and find Shergar.
02:08This is no laughing matter. Cassandra's got to live in a foreign country.
02:12No, she ain't. She gone to Spain.
02:14Yeah, God damn.
02:16She's only gone there for a week.
02:18Her and her mum have gone to get away from it all at the family villa.
02:21Family villa? Yeah, I'm family now, ain't I?
02:24I could do with a break. I'm having a drink with Cassandra's dad tonight.
02:27I'll have a word with him.
02:29Down a pub every night, boozing.
02:31Who's that? Cassandra's dad?
02:32I'm talking about Rodney.
02:34Oh, I was going to say, because Alan, he's teetotal, he is.
02:37Going out for a drink with him is like going on a pub crawl with Betty Ford.
02:41Anyway, don't worry about Rodney. He's just a bit confused at the moment, that's all.
02:45Yeah, he was a bit confused when he come in the other night.
02:47Confused as a newt.
02:51Still, he's making a bit of effort.
02:53Look, he made his bed before he went to work.
02:56Yeah, hang about. Albert, just a minute.
03:00Look, the thing is, you see, that Rodney did not sleep on the settee last night.
03:05Oh? Where'd he sleep then?
03:07Well, he slept in his old room.
03:10Oh.
03:12I thought Raquel slept in there.
03:15No.
03:17Where'd she sleep then?
03:20I don't believe him.
03:22She slept...
03:25somewhere else.
03:27Oh, I see.
03:34Where?
03:37Listen, could you raise your voice just one more decibel?
03:40Then they'll better hear you in the doo-doin'.
03:42You mean she slept with you then?
03:44Yes. Or I guess.
03:46Yes, she did.
03:48Listen, don't you go and say nothing to her about it.
03:51What, don't she know?
03:58Of course she knows.
04:00It's just that I don't want her to be embarrassed, that's all.
04:03I wonder why you looked a bit chirpy.
04:08Blimey, that laugh of yours. Sounds like someone trying to push-start a larder.
04:14Here, you have my breakfast.
04:16Build your strength up.
04:18I'll cook myself another one.
04:20Good, bless you.
04:22Oh, you're a lifesaver, I tell you.
04:26Look at that, eh? Lovely jubbly.
04:29Morning.
04:35Morning.
04:37Morning, love. Nice to see you back on your feet.
04:41Are you up to a bit of breakfast?
04:43No, thanks.
04:45I don't know how you could eat that sort of rubbish, Albert.
04:47Well, the Trotter family have been eating that sort of rub...
04:49that sort of cuisine for generations.
04:51Yeah, never done us any harm.
04:53My dad lived till he was 81.
04:5581, see, that's a good age, innit?
04:57Weren't for him, he died.
05:03I know that, I know, but what I meant...
05:06I agree with Raquel.
05:08I agree with Raquel.
05:10Oh, yeah, I can't eat all that fried rubbish no more, no, no.
05:13You give me a nice good old grapefruit any day.
05:16Good, that's what I like to hear.
05:18You got some egg on your chin.
05:22A doctor told you to stay off fried food.
05:24Yes, I know, and a doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit.
05:29We all know what happens to that poor old cow.
05:31It's all right, it's all right, sweetheart.
05:33I know you've got my intentions at heart and I'm grateful.
05:36I'll try and leave it alone in future, all right?
05:39Now, good Lord, is that the time?
05:41Here, look, are you eating?
05:43No, I want to get down to shops before they're too packed.
05:45All right, well, come on then, I'm going to give you a lift now...
05:47cos I've got to go and drop off some printing at Boyce's.
05:49All right?
05:51Dear, oh, dear, look at that.
05:53Albert, I'll see you later.
05:55And you know what you can do with that rubbish, don't you, eh?
05:58Look at him.
06:00Put it in the oven, put it in the oven.
06:07Still going to work?
06:09Yeah, I thought you'd gone as well.
06:11No, I overslept a bit when I woke up.
06:14Do you want a bit of breakfast?
06:16Oh, yeah, I'll have a...
06:18No, I'll have a glass of orange juice.
06:20Well, you'd better get a move on.
06:22It's gone nine.
06:24Yeah, well, the thing is,
06:26I don't really feel well enough to go to work today.
06:29Could you give me a ring and tell them I won't be there?
06:32What's wrong with you?
06:34Oh, you know, it's my stomach.
06:36It sort of aches and that.
06:38I think I've got a viral condition, you know.
06:40There's a lot of it about.
06:42Yeah, especially amongst the regulars down in Ashead.
06:45I've not got a hangover, if that's what you're thinking.
06:48All right, I had a couple of drinks last night.
06:50Yeah, and the night before, and the night before that.
06:53Yes, all right, just...
06:55Oh, you know, ask for the personnel department, all right?
06:58Go for it.
07:00Hello?
07:02Could I have the personnel department, please?
07:04They wouldn't have had the likes of you in the armed forces.
07:07It lets me out of World War Three, doesn't it?
07:09Hello? Oh, good morning.
07:11I'm calling on behalf of Rodney Trotter.
07:13He won't be in today cos he...
07:15Eh? What do you mean, who is he?
07:17Who are you?
07:19Cheeky cow, you tell her on...
07:21Tell her on the heads, the heads of the computer section.
07:24He's the head...
07:26He's the head of the computer section.
07:30Yeah, that's him.
07:36Well, he won't be in today cos he's got the bellyache.
07:40Dunno, he might be a bit egg-bound.
07:44Right. Yeah, all right, dear.
07:46Bye. All right?
07:48All right? What do you mean, all right?
07:50What did you tell her I had a bellyache for?
07:52Well, that's what you got, innit? No, it is not.
07:54Who said you had an ache? I have.
07:56In your belly? Yes.
07:58Well, ain't that a bellyache? No.
08:00I must have got the wrong end of the stick, son.
08:02A bellyache is what you have
08:04when you're trying to get out of school sports day.
08:06Heads of computer sections have viral conditions.
08:10Well, whatever it was, they know you won't be in to work today.
08:13I don't think I can go to work ever again.
08:15Bloody egg-bound.
08:17Oi, Albert. Have you seen a key to the van?
08:20Get that breakfast on the ta...
08:22Rodney, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be at work.
08:25Well, why not? You've got a viral condition.
08:27What's that? A bellyache.
08:32That must have come on rather sudden, Rodney,
08:34cos last night you were feeling no pain.
08:36I know what you're thinking. No, you don't.
08:39Just because I had a couple of drinks,
08:41you automatically assume I have a hangover.
08:43Ah, dear. Have you looked at yourself in a mirror this morning?
08:47Cos you certainly ain't the fairest in the land.
08:50You look as though you've just come back from a Club 1830 trip to Chernobyl.
08:55Yeah, well, Chernobyl's not too far from the truth.
08:58My love life has taken on a distinctly Russian ambience.
09:02Freezing bloody cold and the goods rarely turn up.
09:07Don't want to believe what you read about the Russians.
09:10During the war... Oh, during the... Leave it out, will you?
09:14I was in the Soviet Union for a while.
09:16Here we go. We're back in the USSR.
09:19Listen, you've got no problems.
09:21They wouldn't let you in the Soviet Union.
09:23They wouldn't let you in the Plumbers' Union.
09:25I was drive-dropped in Burmance for over a month
09:28and I met one or two of them Russian girls.
09:30I'm telling you, they're hot stuff.
09:32Oh, leave it out, Albert. No, it's true, Rodney. He's got a point.
09:35I mean, have you seen that love bite on Gorbachev's head?
09:40Come on, Rodney, give me a hand. Look for these keys, will you?
09:43I've got to get that printing down to Voices.
09:45Oh, Albert, I want you to iron my midnight pink shirt for this evening.
09:48I'm having cocktails with Alan. Cassandra's dad?
09:50Yes, Cassandra's dad, your father-in-law, your employer.
09:53And Rodney, I don't know what you're going to say about your fun and games.
09:56How many days have you had off this week because of hangovers?
09:59You're going to push that man's loyalty too far, my son, you really are.
10:02I'm ill. Ill? All right, you're ill. I'll tell him, shall I?
10:05What have you got, the two Bob Bits?
10:08Derek, a viral condition sounds better.
10:11And what am I supposed to say about this situation between you and Cassandra?
10:15I'll tell him I'm working on it.
10:17Oh, yeah, that should cheer him up no end, shouldn't it, eh?
10:19Yes, all right. Come on, then, where are these keys?
10:21If I knew where they were, I wouldn't be looking for them, would I?
10:23Look, go and have a look in my bedroom. I want to look in the kitchen.
10:25I can't remember where I left them. I could have left...
10:28Hey, Rodney. Rodney.
10:30Listen, do you want me to phone and make an appointment at the doctor's for you?
10:34No, no, I'll be all right.
10:35Well, look at you. Look, you're limping.
10:37Yeah, I know. My sock's soaking wet.
10:39Somebody left a mug of tea outside my bedroom door.
10:48Duke! Duke!
10:57Duke! Come along.
10:59When will you get in that bloody house?
11:08Look, are we going out for the day or have we?
11:11Yes, we are going out for the day.
11:14I am just waiting for the engineers to call to check this thing over.
11:18I mean, they said they'd be here at nine.
11:20Look at it, quarter to ten already and there's no sign of them.
11:22Delguard was supposed to bring my printing round.
11:24I suppose he's got held up by that woman. What's her name?
11:27Raquel.
11:28Yeah, the stripper.
11:30She is not a stripper. She is an actress.
11:33Oh, yeah? Really?
11:35Well, the last time I saw her, she was acting the part of a stripper.
11:39Isn't that working yet?
11:41Yes, it's working.
11:43It's just that I can't train it on the satellites.
11:45I mean, how the hell am I supposed to know where they are?
11:48You'd think they'd fly them a bit lower, wouldn't you?
11:50Well, that wouldn't be a...
11:53Look, Tyler. Come round here and look at your daddy.
11:57Look. Here he is.
11:59Look at your daddy playing with his new toy.
12:02Doesn't he look stupid?
12:06This is not a toy, Marlene.
12:08You are looking at £2,000 worth of state-of-the-art technology.
12:12You never paid £2,000 for that.
12:14You got it hooky.
12:16Shh, Marlene. For God's sake.
12:19We've got a chief inspector living next door.
12:21I know. He was the one you got it off of.
12:24You got a cheap one from Dixon's like everyone else.
12:27Because this is not for pleasure, Marlene.
12:30This is a high-tech investment in my video leisure company.
12:33This thing can pick up the whole of Scandinavia.
12:37I can therefore record films of the more adult variety
12:42and show them to my more discerning clients.
12:45You mean perverts?
12:47A bit medical about it, yes.
12:49What's he got up his head?
12:51Oh, he wants to pay him. Now, no messing. You pay him.
12:54I know what a tight sod you are.
12:56Hey, and be nice to him.
12:58You know he's had problems.
13:00OK, I'll be nice to him.
13:03Don't get your face too close. It scares him.
13:17I just finished.
13:19Oh, you are finished all right.
13:21Look what you've done to my vestibule.
13:23I've got paint on me carpets, paint on me chandeliers,
13:26paint on me Chippendale telephone seat.
13:28You can't help a drop or two of paint.
13:30A drop or two?
13:32It looks as though someone's held an acid party in a Dulux warehouse.
13:35I'm sorry you're disappointed. What shall I do with the bill?
13:38Stick it where the mice won't get at it. I am not paying.
13:41Hang about, boy. See, we had an agreement.
13:43You owe me 400 quid. We shook hands on it.
13:45Yes, and I had to wash the paint off afterwards.
13:48Now, look, you either adjust your bill
13:51to take account of all that damage or contact my solicitor.
13:54That is the last time I have a cowboy working on my property.
13:57Cowboy? Not a cowboy.
14:00I've got spur marks on me grandfather clock.
14:03I don't like being called a cowboy.
14:06No-one's ever called me that before.
14:08I am not a cowboy.
14:11Bronco!
14:13Oh, what's your deal? How's your luck, pal?
14:15Oh, I've just been working for Boise. That's how bad things are.
14:18You'll never guess.
14:20That tight-arse Burke's only refusing to pay me.
14:22Accuses me of being a messy worker.
14:24Let's face it, Bronco, I mean, you are just a little bit sloppy, aren't you?
14:27I mean, look at the state of them overalls.
14:29I'm a painter and decorator. Yeah, I know that.
14:31I only sold them to you last Tuesday.
14:33I did ask Sandra to run them through the washing machine,
14:35but the landlord's cut our electric off.
14:37Landlord? I thought you bought that little flat down on Chip Lane.
14:40Building Society evicted us.
14:42Oh. So where are you now?
14:44In a bed-and-breakfast hotel out near the airport.
14:46Oh. It's handy if you like planes.
14:49Yeah, we're at the end of the main runway.
14:51Oosh-dee.
14:53Here, how's that little Kylie of yours, then?
14:56Oh, she broke her arm. Nah.
14:58Yeah, climbed up on a chair to look at a plane.
15:02Things are a bit grim for you, aren't they, Bronco?
15:04Yeah. Hey, maybe I should tell Boise, eh?
15:06Give him a sob story.
15:08What? Tell Boise a sob story?
15:10You've got to be joking.
15:12He's the one that cheered when Bambi's mum died.
15:16I just don't understand my luck lately, Del.
15:18If it can go wrong, it's gone wrong.
15:20A roof I retold has just collapsed.
15:22Last week, I rewired a bloke's flat.
15:24Yesterday, it caught fire.
15:26Oh, by the way, here's my business card,
15:28just in case you need anything done.
15:30Oh, thanks. It's very handy. Yeah, I'll keep that.
15:34You know, I've worked hard to build up this business.
15:36And I've always led an honest life.
15:40Well, I've kept out of trouble for the last five years, haven't I?
15:42Yeah, that's true.
15:44Being banged up in Wandsworth Prison helped a bit, though, didn't it?
15:47And why did I go away?
15:49You have this tendency to nick very silly things.
15:52I mean, you were caught speeding down Streatham High Street
15:54in a knocked-off JCB.
15:57Look, Bronco,
15:59I know you've got these, um...
16:01problems.
16:03What do you mean, problems?
16:05Well, that psychiatrist reckoned you suffered from some sort of paranoia, didn't he?
16:08You can't tell your notice of him, Del.
16:10He's always had it in for me.
16:15Oh, yeah, never thought of that.
16:17Here, Bronco.
16:19Listen, do you need a few quid to tide you over?
16:21Oh, no, no, no. That's very nice of you, Del.
16:23No, I'll get me money, one way or another.
16:25See you around.
16:27All right. Listen, if you need any help, just give us a bell, right?
16:32Stay lucky!
16:44Oh, here you are.
16:46I brought your printing round.
16:48He's gone, has he? Yeah.
16:50Good.
16:52He's been decorating my vestibule.
16:54Made quite a good job of it, as it happens.
16:56I'm well pleased.
16:59But you refused to pay him.
17:01No, no, no, Del boy.
17:03I only refused to pay the agreed price.
17:06Well, it's principle.
17:08I make a fuss, he doesn't want the publicity or the agro,
17:11and so he knocks off 50% for goodwill.
17:13He gets a living wage,
17:15and I save 200 notes.
17:17It's good business.
17:19Yeah, but come on. I mean, look, he's got that Kylie and Sandra
17:22and Rackman to support, hasn't he?
17:24Does this look like the social security to you?
17:27I mean, who is he, anyway?
17:29He's your brother-in-law.
17:32Do you think I like having a certified nutter working in my house?
17:36I only give him the job to help him out.
17:39Hey, talking of in-laws,
17:41bloody Andy having Rodney working for his father-in-law's printing firm, isn't it?
17:44He sold this at half price. Does Alan know about this?
17:46It wouldn't matter if he did, because Rodney is totally in charge now.
17:49That place couldn't possibly operate without him.
17:51I always have faith in that boy.
17:53So did I.
17:55You've ordered a lot of print this time, hasn't you?
17:57Yeah, I thought I'd get in quick before Rodney gets a sack.
18:15I've been thinking about getting one of them electric pianos.
18:18Yeah, they sound a lot better, don't they?
18:20Yeah, that's right.
18:22And you can switch them off.
18:24Still, at least my ban on his singing's worked.
18:26Last night, it was Trotler the Younger and his dopey mates.
18:29Were you in last night, Trick?
18:31Most probably.
18:33Yeah, well, there was Rodney, Mickey Pierce, Jevon,
18:36dancing and poncing about, pretending to be Ninja Turtle,
18:39It's all had far too much to drink.
18:41Don't want that sort of thing in a pub, do you?
18:43No, you don't.
18:45He sails in a sunset
18:48He's singing?
18:50I know.
18:52Does he know you banned him?
18:54Oh, Carrie Boy
18:56Oh, save me,
18:58the me
19:00Oh, Carrie Boy
19:02Oh, save me, the me
19:04Oh, Carrie Boy
19:06Oh, Carrie Boy
19:09Cool.
19:11Hello, au revoir to you both.
19:13Oh, Del, what are you drinking, mate?
19:15Just a peach teakari, please, Michael,
19:17and a chipolata sandwich.
19:19Yeah, Alan hasn't been in yet, has he?
19:21Supposed to be having a drink with him tonight.
19:23I ain't seen him so far, Del.
19:25I saw Boise about half an hour ago.
19:27He didn't even stop to say hello.
19:29Seems in a right mood.
19:31Oh, I expect Marlene's taken the Velcro off his wife once again.
19:33Sorry I'm late, Del.
19:35Pam just phoned from the villa.
19:37What are you drinking?
19:39Just a tomato juice, thank you.
19:41And a tomato juice on my bill, please, Michael.
19:43Would you deliver them to the table au revoir?
19:45Thank you very much.
19:47Come on, sit yourself down, Alan.
19:49How are you?
19:51Not bad, not bad, Del.
19:53Well, you're most probably wondering why I asked to meet you tonight.
19:55Wondering? No, of course I'm not wondering.
19:57What could be more normal than relatives having a quiet drink together?
19:59Oh, here he comes.
20:01Relatives?
20:03Thank you, Michael, thank you very much.
20:05We're family now, aren't we?
20:07Well, yeah, we are kind of related, sort of, yeah.
20:09What do you mean, kind of sort?
20:11Listen, when Cassandra married a trotter,
20:13you all became trotters.
20:15Is it? Oh, yes.
20:17Well, maybe not in the eyes of the law, but certainly in the eyes of my heart.
20:19Yes.
20:21Alan, we're family now.
20:23Yeah.
20:25What's mine is yours.
20:27I reckon that works the other way around and all, doesn't it?
20:29About this villa of yours, I was wondering...
20:31What's happened to Rodney today?
20:33Oh, Rodney, yeah, he's got a viral infection.
20:35Oh, yeah, the lady in person said he had the two bob bits.
20:37Eh?
20:39No, no, no, no, it's worse than that.
20:41No, it really is. Alan, he's very, very poorly.
20:43Well, you called a doctor in.
20:45Yeah, well, I wanted to, but he wouldn't let me.
20:47No, it's his uncle's influence. He's trying to be a British bulldog.
20:49That's funny.
20:51Last night, he was trying to be a Ninja Turtle.
20:53Rodney was down here last night.
20:55Down here?
20:57He was down here, up there, all over the place.
20:59Drunk as a sack, he was.
21:01If I was spending so much on drink, I would have slung him out.
21:03Yeah.
21:05These viral infections, you know, they happen very suddenly, Alan.
21:07They really do, yeah.
21:09All right, Dale, now, cards on the table.
21:11This business with Rodney is what I really came to see you about.
21:13So tell me, what the hell is happening?
21:15Well, he's drinking too much, isn't he?
21:17And he's pretending that he's enjoying it.
21:19So that's why he's been having so much time off work recently.
21:21Yeah, that's right. I've been trying to tell him, but it's no good.
21:23I said if he carries on this rate,
21:25he's going to be a dead ringer for Keith Richards.
21:27Yeah.
21:29He's not going to get away from Halloween as it is.
21:31So what do you think's brought it about?
21:33Oh, I don't know who can say.
21:35It's his lifestyle, I suppose.
21:37You know, late nights, women, booze, drugs.
21:39Rodney?
21:41Oh, Rodney? Oh, not Rodney.
21:43No, I thought you meant...
21:45No.
21:47It's him.
21:55Oh, dear.
21:57Well, it's obvious what the thing is, isn't it?
21:59I mean, it's this problem with him and Cassandra.
22:01Oh, yeah, that's just what I always feared.
22:03And I had hoped that one day I could leave the business to them
22:05to know I'd left it in good hands.
22:07Oh, yeah. Well, it's a dream come true, isn't it, eh?
22:09You could fall off the perch in peace, couldn't you?
22:13I didn't exactly mean falling off the perch, gel.
22:15I meant I could retire.
22:17Oh, yes, yes, of course.
22:19Pam and I always planned to settle down in our villa in the sun.
22:21Well, you could leave the business safely with Rodney and Cassandra.
22:23And if they got into trouble,
22:25I'd always be there to take control.
22:27Yeah, well, Del, you see,
22:29you and I are about the same age, Del,
22:31so by that time you'd be retired too.
22:33Oh, yeah, of course.
22:35Never thought of that.
22:37Yeah, I'd be able to come over and spend a few months
22:39with you and Pam at the villa, wouldn't I?
22:41Oh, yeah.
22:43Wait till I tell her.
22:45You and Pam, me and Raquel,
22:47you can just picture it, can't you?
22:49Oh, yeah.
22:51We'll have a few laughs, won't we, eh?
22:53Lamb dada the night away.
22:55Let's have a drink to celebrate, shall we?
22:57No, I don't...
22:59I don't touch it nowadays.
23:01Oh, all right. Well, listen, about that villa of yours...
23:03Hey, Del, I've got a call for you, mate.
23:05Who is it?
23:07I don't know, someone called Blanco or Bronco or something.
23:09Oh, excuse me, Alan, it's a very important business associate of mine.
23:11Hey, Del, I'd hurry up if I were you.
23:13Sounds like he's had a skinful.
23:15Excuse me, hun.
23:19Yeah, Bronco, what is it?
23:21You never know what you've got till it's gone.
23:23Eh?
23:25Yeah, I suppose you're right there, Trigger.
23:27I know how much it can hurt.
23:29I had a relationship break-up a few years ago.
23:31She worked in my council depot.
23:33She was a lady road sweeper?
23:35Oh, no, she was management.
23:37Real high flyer.
23:39You had to go to her when you wanted a new broom.
23:43Linda.
23:45Nice girl.
23:47Had a funny eye.
23:49Had a funny eye.
23:51Never knew if she was looking at me or seeing if the bus was coming.
23:57Anyway,
23:59she'd heard about this little hotel
24:01down near Henley-on-Thames
24:03and she said to me,
24:05how about spending a weekend there?
24:07Yeah, cool.
24:09Go on, Bronco, yeah.
24:11What sort of man are we talking about?
24:13Well, I'll have to pop down and see it, won't I, eh?
24:15Yeah.
24:17What happened?
24:19Was it a nice weekend?
24:21Yeah, at least I thought it was,
24:23but she didn't want to see me no more after it.
24:25Oh, well, I don't like to pry, Trigg,
24:27but...
24:29No, no, no, it's a bit personal.
24:31Hang on, Bronco.
24:33Trigg, what happened?
24:35She got jealous.
24:37I heard later,
24:39through friends,
24:41that she wanted a go with me.
24:47I'll have a large scotch, Mike.
24:53Sorry, what...
24:55What did you say then, Leroy?
24:57Sorry, do what?
24:59No, I can't hear you.
25:01Get a bit of mud and dirt over there, love.
25:03Thank you, Albert.
25:05Pleasure, dear.
25:07Sorry, what did you say, Leroy?
25:09Sweetheart, could you switch the J Edgar off?
25:11I'm on the mobile blower.
25:13That's all right, please, sweetheart.
25:15Right, now, what were you saying, Leroy?
25:17Eh?
25:19Sorry, I can't hear... Can you hear me?
25:21Can you hear me?
25:23Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?
25:25Can you hear...
25:27I can't hear you...
25:29Oh, blow this for a game of toy soldiers.
25:31Oh, dear, look, we've been cut off.
25:33He knows what he wanted.
25:35Still, can I ask you something?
25:37Yes, of course you can, sweetheart.
25:39Before I moved into this flat,
25:41how did you keep this place clean?
25:43I seem to spend my whole time hoovering.
25:45Well, take a break.
25:47There's loads of ironing to be done in the kitchen.
25:49That's a joke, Trotter.
25:51Otherwise you'll be drinking that aftershave.
25:53Yes, of course it's a joke, sweetheart.
25:55Tell you what, come on, take a break.
25:57Come on, come and sit down here, put your feet up.
25:59I'll go and put the kettle on and make us a nice cup of tea.
26:01Albert, put the kettle on, make us a nice cup of tea, will you?
26:03Oh, look out, here he comes.
26:05You haven't had lunch, Rodney?
26:07I've just picked up my orders from Alan.
26:09I've got to go and meet Cassandra at the airport.
26:11Oh, by the way, I bumped into Leroy this morning.
26:13He was really upset about some mobile phone
26:15or something you sold him,
26:17so I told him to give you a ring.
26:19Oh, yeah, OK.
26:21Right, thanks very much, bro.
26:23So you've had a little chat then with Alan?
26:25No, he left a message with his secretary.
26:27He weren't at work today.
26:29He's got some sort of virus.
26:31Oh, has he really?
26:33What was he all mean to pick Cassandra up for?
26:35Well, I think it's a good idea,
26:37give you and Cassandra a chance to have a chat.
26:39I ain't talking to her.
26:41No, she weren't talking to me before she went away,
26:43so I ain't talking to her now.
26:45Oh, grow up, Rodney.
26:47It's got nothing to do with you, Raquel.
26:49Or you.
26:51Hey, don't you ever pop at Raquel.
26:53Well, just stay out of my life.
26:55Come on, dear, oh dear,
26:57that is one touchy little sod there.
26:59Yeah, well, don't be too hard on him.
27:01He's going through a bad patch.
27:03He'll be going through the bloody window
27:05if he carries on at this rate.
27:07I'll go.
27:09Oh, you've gone now.
27:13Oh, it's Raquel.
27:15You look so different fully clothed.
27:17Hello, Boise.
27:19I suppose I've got to ask you in.
27:21Yes, I want to get away as quick as possible.
27:23I've left the Mercedes parked downstairs.
27:25You know what they're like on this estate.
27:27They'd have the wheels off a jumbo if it flew too low.
27:29Go on then, go in.
27:31You're too kind.
27:33Del?
27:35Oh, dear, do I detect an atmosphere
27:37in Shade Trotter?
27:39Most probably there was art ashame.
27:43I think I'll go in the kitchen with Rodney.
27:45I suddenly feel rather nauseous.
27:49You've got one in a million there, Del Boy.
27:51Yeah, I know. What can I do for you, Boise?
27:53Well, uh, Derek,
27:55you may have heard
27:57that I've recently acquired a rather expensive
27:59piece of electronic hardware,
28:01a television satellite aerial receiver.
28:03Oh, no, I didn't know that.
28:05Yes, and I'm not just talking about one of those
28:07150-quid Mickey Mouse jobs you see glued
28:09to the side of reclaimed council houses
28:11ruining the beauty of the stone cladding.
28:13I'm talking two grand
28:15high-tech, state-of-the-art sophistication.
28:17Leave it out, Boise.
28:19You're making me jealous.
28:21Yes, you're not the only one, Del.
28:23Yesterday, some git nicked it.
28:25Yes, when I went out in the morning,
28:27there it was standing in my back garden.
28:29When I came back later...
28:31Well, what do you want me to do about it?
28:33Well, the word is
28:35that a very similar television satellite receiver
28:37was seen entering this estate
28:39tied to the back of a lorry.
28:41So if any of your contacts
28:43should offer you an almost new
28:45aerial dish, buy it off them for me
28:47as cheap as possible.
28:49Offer them 300. I'll go to five at a push.
28:51You what? You want to buy
28:53your own property back?
28:55Why don't you go to the gendarmes?
28:57Oh, no. No, they're very busy people.
28:59In any case, I thought I'd save a bit of time
29:01doing it this way, you know what I mean?
29:03Yes, I know what you mean.
29:05All right. I'll tell you what, Boise,
29:07I've kicked me ear to the ground.
29:09If I hear anything, I'll give you a bell, all right?
29:11All right. Goodbye, Raquel.
29:13Glad to see you've settled in so well.
29:15Is your son about 11 years old with a Mohican haircut?
29:17Good God, no.
29:19Well, who's that sitting in your Mercedes?
29:21Come on, Boise, my son!
29:25I hope he falls down the stairs.
29:29Are you feeling better now?
29:31Yeah. I'm sorry about just now.
29:33That's all right. Forget it.
29:35Come on, sit down. Come on, sit down.
29:37So what are you going to do?
29:39I don't know.
29:41Do you want your marriage to work?
29:43Yes. Really? Honestly?
29:45Yes. Really and honestly.
29:47I just want me and Cass
29:49to go back to the way we were, you know?
29:51If she wants to pursue a career
29:53and has to go to functions and seminars
29:55at the bank,
29:57then I don't mind anymore.
29:59I really don't.
30:01Well, why don't you tell her that?
30:03Canapé de Anchois!
30:05The governor of the Bastille said
30:07as the old flames lit round his April.
30:09That is French
30:11and it means
30:13I've got to do something quick.
30:17With Cassandra, I had a woman I loved.
30:19A woman who said
30:21she loved me.
30:23Now I find myself halfway between
30:25paradise and Nelson Mandela house.
30:29I just wanted to believe
30:31that I mean everything I say.
30:33I've tried everything in my power
30:35to convince her.
30:37I feel like I've taken a mountain to Mohammed
30:39only to find
30:41he's already bloody got one.
30:49I'd better go and see if I can...
30:51Yeah, yeah, go on.
30:55You know why Alan
30:57asked you to go and pick Cassandra up
30:59at the airport, don't you?
31:01Because you weren't feeling well.
31:03No.
31:05It's because Cassandra and her mum
31:07have been sitting around that swimming pool
31:09in that villa of theirs
31:11having exactly the same conversation
31:13as we've just had.
31:15She feels exactly the same as you do.
31:17Cassandra?
31:19No, her mum.
31:21Of course.
31:23Her mum.
31:25Of course, Cassandra.
31:27Really?
31:29Yeah, really.
31:31Listen, have you got any money?
31:33Yeah, I've got money.
31:35Well, not a lot.
31:37No, no, listen, I've got an idea.
31:39Now I know the manager of this luxury hotel
31:41that's right near the airport.
31:43I used to go there
31:45during the mating season.
31:47Now I could give him a bell, right,
31:49and get him to give you
31:51the bestest suite in the whole hotel.
31:53Like the Four Worms, right?
31:55So when Cassandra, like, flies in all brown
31:57and relaxed, you could be there
31:59with a big bouquet of flowers
32:01and the keys to the honeymoon suite.
32:03A mini honeymoon, eh?
32:05Eighty months after the first.
32:07Do you really think it could work?
32:09Of course it could.
32:11What, you and your best whistle-splasher brew?
32:13You'd be home and dry.
32:15Go on then, I'm going.
32:17Good boy. You know it makes sense.
32:19Can I get a bell now?
32:21Yeah, bell.
32:23You know I said I had some money?
32:25Since I started work for Ellen,
32:27I've been doing really well, you know.
32:29I know you've been struggling a bit lately,
32:31so what I'm saying is
32:33if you need it, it's there.
32:39Rodney, you are a jewel
32:41in Mum's crown.
32:43No, Rodney, you really are.
32:45Shut up.
32:47Thank you very much, bro, I appreciate that.
32:49But as it happens, I'm not doing too bad at the moment.
32:51I'm doing quite well with the old half-price printing.
32:53And I reckon I'm going to pick up
32:55a nice bit of bunce with that thing there.
33:11Good evening, Mr Trotter. I'm Henry, your concierge.
33:13Your brother phoned and said
33:15you would be requiring our very finest suite.
33:17Complete and utter privacy
33:19and a full English breakfast.
33:21Yes, thank you.
33:23Now, as this booking is of an intimate nature,
33:25I think it would help to maintain a degree of privacy
33:27if we dealt only in cash.
33:29Oh, yes, right.
33:31That'll be £150, please.
33:33£150!
33:35That's nice, of course.
33:39Oh, and as a special surprise,
33:41Derek has also ordered champagne on ice.
33:43Only the very finest champagne,
33:45Derek said.
33:47Money is of no object.
33:49Oh, that was nice of him, wasn't it?
33:51That'll be another £70, please.
33:53What?
33:55Well,
33:57he can be very, very generous at times, can't he?
34:03I believe you have a guest joining you.
34:05Ah, yes.
34:09A special evening, is it, sir?
34:11If I'm...
34:13Yes, my wife will be landing
34:15at the North Terminal in about an hour.
34:17Oh, I see.
34:19Well, don't worry. If she should call
34:21at the hotel, I'll say I've never heard of you.
34:23No, you don't understand.
34:25My wife is my guest.
34:27Your wife?
34:29Oh, well, it takes all kinds.
34:33Can I order you a bouquet of flowers?
34:35Oh, no, my brother got me a bouquet.
34:37They're out in the van. In the car.
35:01Excuse me.
35:03I shouldn't think you'll be arriving until sometime tomorrow.
35:05I'm very sorry.
35:07Can I help you, sir?
35:09475 from Malagu will be arriving.
35:11I'll do the chain.
35:15That flight should be landing in about ten minutes, sir.
35:17Oh, good.
35:19In Manchester.
35:21In Manchester?
35:23I'm afraid it was re-routed.
35:25But I'm waiting for me wife.
35:27I booked a hotel suite. I got a bottle of champagne.
35:29I spent nine on 200.
35:31Quit waiting for this flight.
35:33I'm sorry, sir, but as you can see, the airport's in absolute chaos at the moment.
35:35Your wife was lucky to take off at all.
35:37Information.
35:39Can I help you?
35:49The important thing is
35:51she landed safely.
35:53Yes, in Manchester.
35:55I mean, so much for my big surprise, eh?
35:57Tonight has cost me nearly 250 quid.
35:59I thought by now me and Cass
36:01would be, you know, sat in the honeymoon suite
36:03sipping champagne and having a...
36:05having a quick look at her holiday snaps.
36:09Do you know how much tonight has cost me?
36:11About 250 pounds.
36:13Nearly 250 pounds has cost me!
36:15Oh, dear. Michael,
36:17give us a non-alcoholic lager
36:19for the stud over there, will you?
36:21What's wrong with him tonight, Dale?
36:23Looks like he's just come back from a funeral.
36:25Well, in a matter of speaking, Michael, he has.
36:27It's all rather personal and private.
36:29I don't want to say any more.
36:31But sufficient, is it, to say that
36:33he thought he'd be enjoying the fruits of love
36:35this evening. Instead, he's enjoying a packet of pork scratchings.
36:39Oh, can I have two large glasses
36:41of your finest cognac for Raquel
36:43and moi?
36:45Celebrating something, are we?
36:47Well, you could say that, Michael.
36:49Even as we speak, I've got 500 smackeroonies
36:51winging their way to this public house,
36:53safely tucked up in Boise's inside pocket.
36:55Well, Boise's handing over 500 notes. What's happened?
36:57He had a whack on the head or something?
36:59Well, you could say that.
37:01Passeur pour la tombe, as they say in Nice.
37:03There you go, my son.
37:05And keep the change, all right?
37:07Dale, your 40p short, mate.
37:09Oh, that's all right. Put it in the charity box with him.
37:11There you go, sweetheart.
37:13Go on, Rosie.
37:15God, such high hopes
37:17for tonight.
37:19Yeah, I thought you did by the way you walked in.
37:21Oh, and thank you for ordering
37:23that champagne, Bill.
37:25It's all right, bruv, it's all right. It was the best I hoped.
37:27Yes, 70 quid's worth.
37:29That's it. Nothing but the best
37:31for a lady like Cassandra.
37:33Pity she's in Manchester, isn't it?
37:35Yes, it is.
37:37You can talk to her tomorrow. She'll know you went out to the airport
37:39to meet her. Her dad will tell her.
37:41Yeah, I made the gesture, eh? That's what counts.
37:43Of course you did.
37:45You'll thank me for this, my son, later on, I bet you will.
37:47Cassandra's up north.
37:49Yeah, I know. Where do you know?
37:51She just phoned from Manchester airport.
37:53Wanted you to know she's safe and not to worry.
37:55Where did you say Rodney was?
37:57He said he was going to spend the night in some hotel.
38:01Did you say which hotel?
38:03I couldn't remember its name.
38:05So I gave her the phone number.
38:07But you told her I'd gone to meet her at the airport?
38:09Of course not. It was supposed to be a surprise.
38:13You scared the old git!
38:15She'll buy the hotel to find out
38:17I've booked a honeymoon suite in the name of Mr and Mrs Trotter!
38:19And she'll think that Rodney's
38:21gone queso with some tart!
38:23God, dear.
38:25You're way out of this one, Rodney.
38:27If you hadn't suggested booking
38:29the hotel room, none of this would have happened!
38:31Wait a minute! It was your hormones
38:33on turbo, not mine!
38:35You should just find a new phone Alan.
38:37He's bound to speak to her soon, so he can explain.
38:39Yeah, right. Good idea.
38:41I'll go back to the flat and I'll phone you.
38:43No need. You can use my mobile.
38:45Second thoughts, better go back to the flat.
38:47You give me a lift back, Rodney.
38:49Me? No, no. I've got to wait here for me money.
38:51And talk of the devil...
38:55Ahem!
38:57All right, Boise. All right, Boise.
38:59Don't hand the money over here in full view.
39:01I hear that intensive care
39:03is an order it's cracked up to me.
39:05You're in no danger whatsoever, Del Boy.
39:07I ain't handing you a penny.
39:09What are you talking about, Boise?
39:11I got your satellite dish back for you, didn't I?
39:13Oh no, you didn't, Del.
39:15At this very moment in time, my satellite dish
39:17is sitting in my back garden, picking up a very
39:19exciting episode of Wagon Train from Helsinki.
39:21Helsinki?
39:23You said it'd been nicked.
39:25Yes, that's what I thought. However, I discovered this evening
39:27that while Marlene and I were out for the day,
39:29the engineers took it away for repair.
39:31Well, whose is that thing that I've got on my balcony?
39:33Oh, I don't know, Del.
39:35And to be perfectly honest,
39:37I couldn't give a mokey's toss.
39:45Is something wrong with this thing?
39:47Come on, Alan, answer.
39:49Has anyone called Bronco on your address book?
39:51It wouldn't make much difference if you did,
39:53because he moved a little while ago.
39:55There are a lot of women in here.
39:57Oh yeah, they're business associates of mine.
39:59Why have you put stars
40:01by some of their names?
40:03I don't know, I can't remember now. It's a long time ago.
40:05Let me have a look, can I?
40:09Oh, God.
40:11It's not him. He's probably gone to Manchester
40:13to pick up Cassandra. And she will tell him
40:15I've booked into a hotel with another woman.
40:17He will divorce me, she will divorce me,
40:19and it's all your fault. And yours.
40:21Oh, shut up, you tart.
40:23I've got problems of me own.
40:25Yeah, so have I. I just cannot get a picture
40:27from your satellite dish.
40:29Will you stop messing about with that television?
40:31I've got to find out
40:33where Bronco lives to find out
40:35where he got that satellite dish from.
40:37I thought you said he gave you his card.
40:39He did, and I filed it behind Boyce's Geraniums.
40:41If only that airport hadn't been in such a mess.
40:43And Cassandra's plane would have landed
40:45safely and everything would have been great.
40:47I bet you said Mayor Traffic Control
40:49has gone on strike in France again.
40:51That's it. That's it, Rodney.
40:53That is it. That's where Bronco lives.
40:55France?
40:57No, no, it's Gatwick. A little bed and breakfast
40:59hotel in Gatwick.
41:01But you can't remember what it was called?
41:03No, no, no. All I remember was it was
41:05named after somebody famous.
41:07Oh, well, that narrows it down, doesn't it?
41:09Uncle, would you pop into my room
41:11and get my 37 volumes of famous historical
41:13characters, please? Oh, we'll soon have this one
41:15sorted out, they'll lie. Don't you get
41:17sarky with me, Rodney.
41:19It was named after someone famous. Famous painter.
41:21That's what it was. There you are. All right, come on,
41:23Bamba. That's your start of a turn. Away you go.
41:25Go on. All right. Famous painter.
41:27Michelangelo.
41:29No. Rembrandt?
41:31Picasso? No, no, no. Rubens?
41:33Van Gogh? No. Botticelli?
41:35No.
41:37Turner? No, no.
41:39Famous French painter. French? Why didn't you
41:41say it was French? Well, I just said so, didn't I?
41:43Bloody hell. Monet? No.
41:45Manet? No, she just said that.
41:47No, she said Monet. I know,
41:49that's what she just said. Pay attention, Rodney, will you?
41:51Adolf Hitler used to be a
41:53painter.
41:55But look, how long has he been French?
41:57And who in their right minds would call a hotel
41:59the Hotel Hitler?
42:01Famous French
42:03painter. Lutrec? No.
42:05Renoir?
42:07No, French.
42:09Degas? Baudin? Pissarro?
42:11Seurat? Tissot?
42:13No. Schubert?
42:15Schubert?
42:17Schubert, you soppy
42:19old geet.
42:21That's it. He's got it.
42:23The Hotel Schubert.
42:25Schubert? Yes, well
42:27done, Hank. There you are, you see. Look at you.
42:29Got all these GCEs, and it takes
42:31an old sea dog to come up with the answer.
42:33Schubert weren't French.
42:35No? No, and he weren't a painter.
42:37Well, he should have been.
42:39Here it is, I've got it.
42:41Schubert was a German composer.
42:43Austrian, actually.
42:45You mean you knew?
42:47How did you know about Schubert?
42:49Rod, do you mind? I'm trying to get on the blower.
42:51Hello? Good evening. Can I speak to
42:53Mr Lane, please?
42:55Thank you. Should we just forget about the satellite
42:57dish and watch the ordinary telly?
42:59It's heaven used, isn't it? There might be some
43:01report about the ecological destruction of
43:03our planet. Anything to cheer
43:05me up? Ah, Bronco,
43:07hello. How are you, son? Still boy?
43:09Oh, all right, listen. Listen to me.
43:11Now, tell me something. I want to know
43:13where did you get that
43:15satellite dish from, eh?
43:17Sorry?
43:19What are you apologising for?
43:21All right, all right, all right, don't worry.
43:23All right, so you was desperate and you had a funny turn.
43:25Yeah, I can understand that.
43:27I've had Rodney living back with us.
43:29Yeah. You what?
43:31Yeah, of course I know what it is. It's a
43:33satellite receiver dish, isn't it?
43:35Eh? What do you mean
43:37that's what you thought?
43:39Bronco, why are you
43:41crying?
43:43What is it then?
43:47Where did you get it from?
43:49Oh my
43:51God.
43:53Oh hell's bloody bell.
43:55So where did he get it
43:57from? He didn't say.
43:59Joe? What?
44:01Come and have a look. What?
44:03What is it? Turn it up. Turn it up.
44:05The radar transmitter
44:07dish, similar to the one shown here,
44:09was stolen from the end of Gatwick
44:11Airport's main runway
44:13during the early hours of yesterday morning.
44:15The theft brought Gatwick Airport
44:17to a complete standstill.
44:19It has caused chaos throughout Europe
44:21and left thousands of returning holidaymakers
44:23stranded.
44:25The Prime Minister... Who caused that?
44:27You've brought
44:29Europe, a whole continent,
44:31to a standstill.
44:37I didn't mean to.
44:41That's why Cassandra's plane had to land
44:43in Manchester. That's why she's stuck
44:45up there instead of being in my honeymoon bed.
44:47That is why my marriage is all but bloody
44:49over. No, it's not bloody,
44:51you know. Haven't you ever made a mistake?
44:53I mean, you thought it was a satellite
44:55aerial dish and all, didn't you? Don't you include me in this.
44:57I'll show you to you.
44:59Looks like one, doesn't it?
45:01Look, there it is.
45:03Don't worry. I'll take it back
45:05first thing in the morning.
45:27I did it!