Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs Хмаs Sресiаl 1
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00:00Oh, yeah.
00:02Oh, yeah.
00:04Oh, yeah.
00:06Oh, yeah.
00:08Hey, Grandad, you want to see this book Mickey Pierce lent me?
00:10It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances without actually speaking.
00:12It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances without actually speaking.
00:14They can't set their brothers on you or nothing.
00:16They can't set their brothers on you or nothing.
00:18Do you like your baked potatoes really well done, Rodney?
00:20Do you like your baked potatoes really well done, Rodney?
00:22Have I got a choice?
00:24Well, not really.
00:26Yeah, I like them really well done, Grandad.
00:28I like them all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes.
00:30I like them all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes.
00:32Oh, good.
00:34Well, dinner won't be long, then.
00:38Body language?
00:40Yeah, it's no good for you, Grandad.
00:42You'd need an interpreter.
00:44Oh, yeah.
00:46All right, Grandad, dinner ruined yet?
00:48Coming along nicely, Dale boy.
00:50Ah, good, good.
00:52Here you are. Hang on, hang on.
00:54Here you go, look. There's a score for you.
00:56Oh, cheers, Dale.
00:58That's very nice of you.
01:00I didn't get you nothing.
01:02I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival.
01:04I don't agree with the commercialisation of a Christian festival.
01:06I don't believe that.
01:08I don't believe that.
01:10He actually took my money and then gave me a rollicking.
01:12It's like being mugged by a magistrate.
01:14Oh, and Merry Christmas.
01:16Oh, and Merry Christmas.
01:18Yeah.
01:20And a partridge up your pear tree and all, you salty old bit.
01:22Here, what happened to you today, then?
01:24I'm sorry, old nag's head.
01:26For a pre-luncheon aperitif
01:28and some light conversation.
01:30You know, whatever them little egg bangers are yours.
01:32Nah.
01:34Stomach's still a bit dicey, you know.
01:36Sort of burning pains.
01:38That'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo, won't it?
01:40No.
01:42This is psychosomatic, mate.
01:44This is me brain sending messages down to me belly
01:46warning it that Grandad's rotten Christmas dinner
01:48will be on its way down soon.
01:50Have a butcher's in that kitchen, Dale.
01:52It's all smoke and smells. It's horrible.
01:54He's got baked potatoes in there
01:56that look more like lumps of anthracite.
01:58There's green stuff in there, right?
02:00I don't know what it is.
02:02I was gonna ask, then I thought I'd better wait till you got in.
02:04Why'd you let him do it, Dale?
02:06Well, it's tradition, innit?
02:08He's been cooking the Christmas dinner ever since Mum went.
02:10Yeah, he's been cocking it up ever since Mum went.
02:12What do you want?
02:14What do you want, eh? A Sacrebleu chef or something?
02:16Look, I don't fancy it any more than you do, Rodders,
02:18but, you know, what can we do about it?
02:20Well, let's pretend we both become vegetarians, eh?
02:22Then we won't have to eat his turkey.
02:24Don't be a dipstick all your life, Rodney.
02:26If we pretend that we're vegetarians,
02:28we'll end up with a plate full of anthracite
02:30and green stuff.
02:32Well, I'm gonna say I'm on hunger strike.
02:34Some kind of humanitarian grounds.
02:36Oh, leave it out, will you? Leave it out.
02:38I remember the last time that you went on hunger strike
02:40over a protest about the American cruise missiles
02:42being based in Britain.
02:44You said that you were gonna starve yourself
02:46till all the missiles were ready to go.
02:48You said that you were gonna starve yourself
02:50till all the missiles were removed.
02:52So? So? So, that was eight months ago.
02:54The missiles are still here.
02:56What is more to the point, Rodney, so are you.
02:58You went one and a half days on hunger strike
03:00and you're sent out for a curry.
03:02Well, I was starving.
03:04Well, that's the idea of it, you plonker.
03:06Come out of it.
03:08No. Granddad will never wear that.
03:10Anyway.
03:12Cooking the Christmas dinner
03:14has become Granddad's purpose in life.
03:16I mean, all year round he sits in that chair
03:18watching them tellies like a...
03:20like an unoiled redundant cog.
03:22But come Christmas time
03:24he knows that he can whir into action.
03:26It's his role within the family circle.
03:28Makes him feel he still has
03:30an important part to play.
03:32You know, that he's... he's still needed.
03:34Now, you wouldn't want to take that away from him,
03:36would you, all for the sake of a little bit of...
03:38Botulism.
03:40No, no, no. All right, Bill.
03:42Anyway, why don't you do what I do, eh?
03:44You know, just put the dinner in your mouth
03:46and think of England.
03:48Anyway, for all we know,
03:50this year it may turn out to be
03:52a gourmet's dream.
03:54I'll just strain the gravy,
03:56then I'll give it up.
03:58Oh, God.
04:12I must get a plug put on this thing, Rodney.
04:22All right, all right. I'll have some wine, please, Rodney.
04:24Do you want some gravy, Till?
04:28No, thanks, Grandad. I'll have a drop of wine.
04:32Thank you. Merci, merci.
04:44Oh, Bain-Marie. Bain-Marie.
04:46I will say this,
04:48for those old frogs, they make a blinding drop
04:50of wine, don't they, eh?
04:52Yeah, you know that shyster down at the off-licence?
04:54He only tried to palm me off with table wine,
04:56didn't he?
04:58He must have thought I was a Philistine or something.
05:00Anyway, I pulled him up
05:02a bit sharpish, though.
05:04I said, Oi, John, I said,
05:06I don't want none of your table wine, I said.
05:08I said, you get down here in that cellar
05:10and you give me a bottle of your vin ordinaire.
05:14Right.
05:16Here we go.
05:18Mmm.
05:24Not bad. Not bad, Grandad.
05:28Slightly underdone, maybe.
05:30Slightly underdone?
05:32I reckon a kiss of life would revive that taste.
05:34That's enough, Rodney.
05:36How's your guts now, Rodney?
05:40Not too bad now, Grandad. Thank you very much.
05:44I hope he ain't got worms.
05:46He's got worms on purpose.
05:48Oi, that's enough, you two. Now, come on, this is a dinner table.
05:50I mean, worms and all that.
05:52Rodney's got this burning sensation
05:54in his stomach, haven't you, Rodney?
05:56Yeah.
05:58Maybe they're glow worms.
06:02Oi, oi, oi, what's your game?
06:04Do you think we could change the subject?
06:06All right, all right. Now, come on.
06:08There's no need to get overwrought.
06:10There you go.
06:12Mmm.
06:14This turkey's lovely, Grandad.
06:16Isn't it, Rodney?
06:18Terrific.
06:20Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:22Eh?
06:24Who's Brenda and Terry?
06:26Who's Brenda and Terry? Yeah.
06:28Who's Brenda and Terry, Rodney? I don't know.
06:30What are you going on about, you old div?
06:32Well, we got a Christmas card from them.
06:34It said,
06:36Love from Brenda and Terry and the kids,
06:38Shirley, Shane and Sean.
06:40Yeah, yeah, that was from Brenda and Terry.
06:42I know! Who is Brenda and Terry?
06:44It's Shirley, Shane and Sean's mum and dad,
06:46isn't it?
06:48Did we send them one back?
06:50Why can't we send them one back?
06:52We don't know where they are, let alone where they live.
06:54That's just as well with them
06:56rotten Christmas cards that you bought.
06:58There was nothing wrong with them cards.
07:00You didn't like them because they come from a charity organisation.
07:02Now, that is not fair, Rodney. That is not fair.
07:04Nobody likes a good cause better than me,
07:06do they, Grandad? No. It's just that when you're choosing
07:08Christmas cards, you've got to be very careful
07:10about which charity you choose.
07:12What do you mean, got to be careful about which charity
07:14you choose? Well, I mean, look,
07:16some of those cards might offend some of our neighbours
07:18and friends, mightn't they? You know, it says,
07:20Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad
07:22and all the gang at the Deptford Drug Addiction
07:24Centre.
07:26With all the cuts we've had in social services,
07:28you don't think that's a good cause? Look, I'm not saying
07:30it isn't a good cause, Rodney. All I'm saying,
07:32at Christmas time, people prefer a traditional
07:34Christmas card, don't they, eh? Like a nice wintery
07:36scene with a little snowman on it. A little Robin
07:38Redbreast. Not a sprig of ollie and a bunch
07:40of mistletoe wrapped round a rusty syringe.
07:42You do me
07:44right up sometimes, Del. I don't know
07:46why they want these drug addiction centres
07:48anyhow. I mean, haven't we got enough
07:50drug addicts without them recruiting them?
07:56No, Grandad, they're not
07:58training centres.
08:00Oh, God, I give up. Can we
08:02change the subjects again? Stroll on,
08:04Rodney. We're going through subjects quicker than Mastermind.
08:10Didn't throw the giblets away, did you?
08:14I only asked, I only asked
08:16because, you see, I promised them to the old girl downstairs for
08:18a cat. There weren't any giblets in it,
08:20Del boy. It was ready clean.
08:22Said so on the box. Yeah, I know
08:24it was ready clean, Grandad. What they do is they take the giblets
08:26out, put it in a plastic bag and they put it back inside the
08:28turkey, don't they?
08:30Didn't they? Yeah.
08:34You took the bag
08:36out, didn't you?
08:38Oh, didn't I? It was in there, Del.
08:40Oh, my God.
08:42And when you flipped it, was everything still in it?
08:44Oh, my good God.
08:46Blimey, it's like
08:48peering at the jaws of hell, here.
08:50Didn't you at any time notice
08:52it, like, for instance, when you were putting the stuffing
08:54in? What, is stuffing in there as well?
08:56I mean, there's everything in here, Rodney.
08:58Sage and onion
09:00and molten plastic
09:02and beans. It's like Irish night
09:04in a delicatessen.
09:06I just didn't know it was in there,
09:08Del boy.
09:10All right, all right.
09:12All right, Grandad.
09:14Don't get overwrought.
09:16It's over and done with, isn't it, eh?
09:18Don't upset yourself. It's, you know,
09:20it's like, as the French say, it's a
09:22fait accompli.
09:32What about the old aftersend, eh?
09:34I'll go and get it.
09:36Yeah.
09:46I will lay you two to one.
09:48All right, all right.
09:50Don't worry, because custard
09:52is his forte.
09:54Oh, my God.
09:58Do you like your Christmas
10:00pudding really well
10:02done?
10:16Ladies and gentlemen,
10:18Freddie Osler will attempt
10:20the incredibly difficult
10:22triple somersault.
10:24Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie
10:26Osler.
10:56Sorry.
11:02I don't like circuses.
11:08What?
11:10I don't like circuses.
11:12Never have liked
11:14them.
11:16Never will
11:18like them, circuses.
11:20You made your point, Roddy. Why don't you switch over?
11:22Eh.
11:28Oh, there's one
11:30on the other side.
11:32Yeah, what a shame.
11:34It's a pity you don't like them, because you could be having a whale of a time
11:36now, couldn't you?
11:38Put a sock in it for half an hour, now, will you?
11:48Good living in a tar block,
11:50isn't it, though? Yeah, mustard. The queen
11:52don't know what she's missing.
11:54Look at that view, eh?
11:56On a clear day, you can see
11:58around.
12:00It's boring.
12:04Boring,
12:06boring, boring.
12:10Boring.
12:14BORING!
12:16Beware of you one in a minute, Rodney.
12:20Nothing's open out there, and I'm
12:22bored. Hang about,
12:24and I'll see if I can get on the phone and knock you out
12:26of Mardi Gras.
12:28Everyone's bored.
12:30Christmas is a religious
12:32festival. It's meant to be boring.
12:34I thought we were supposed to be celebrating
12:36the birth of our Lord. A time of
12:38great joy. It is a time of great joy.
12:40That's why everything's closed.
12:42Everyone's at home enjoying themselves, like us.
12:44Enjoying themselves?
12:46Yeah, where's me nuts?
12:50Oh, right.
12:52Just take a look at it out there, tell.
12:54It's like a neutron bomb's hit it.
12:56The buildings are still standing, but there's no
12:58sign of life.
13:00Nah.
13:02British nation has forgotten how to enjoy itself.
13:04We're all charging
13:06towards a cliff edge of terminal boredom,
13:08like a herd of them, uh...
13:10Oh, what's them things what
13:12commit suicide all the time? Japanese.
13:16Lemmings. Yeah, like a herd of
13:18lemmings.
13:20Let's go out somewhere, though, eh?
13:22There's gotta be a pub or a club open somewhere.
13:24It's Christmas night, Rodney.
13:26The Monte Carlo Club,
13:28New Cross, that's open. Then again,
13:30it is a bit rough. Oh, rough, is it?
13:32Guess it's all those big men drinking beer and
13:34burping. Cranky tart, you.
13:36All right, then, let's go down to the Monte Carlo.
13:38You get a few birds down there,
13:40might be able to pull a couple. I don't want to go out, Rodney.
13:42Oh, well, you're boring as well.
13:44You're hardly a go on the Big Dipper yourself,
13:46Rodney. Well, why don't you want to go out?
13:48I shall tell you why, shall I?
13:50I may have slipped your notice, but there are three people
13:52living in this flat. You, me, and that
13:54scruffy little old man that does funny things to turkeys.
13:56Namely, our grandfather.
13:58I'm not seriously suggesting that
14:00we push off out of it and leave him here on his own,
14:02are you? We often leave him on his own.
14:04Yeah, but not on Christmas night, Rodney.
14:06Not on Christmas night.
14:08Yeah, but we sit in with him every Christmas.
14:10He wouldn't mind just this once. No, he would pretend
14:12that he wouldn't mind, but you don't know
14:14what would be going on in his little mind as he sat in
14:16this empty flat all on his own.
14:18I'm thinking about the good old days when
14:20Mum and Dad were here and
14:22Christmas time was a great big family
14:24affair. And we're still
14:26family, Rodney. So you're going to stay in with me
14:28and Grandad and watch, you know, the sound
14:30of music. I don't like the sound of music.
14:32Well, switch over.
14:34What's on? The circus.
14:36I want to go out, Del.
14:38Listen, Rodney, there are a lot
14:40of old people all over the country tonight
14:42sitting on their own. Now, half of them
14:44don't get a Christmas card, let alone a
14:46bit of company. So you're going to
14:48stay in with me and Grandad.
14:50Look, if I want to go out, I'll go
14:52out. You won't. I will.
14:54You won't, Rodney. I will,
14:56Del. You won't. I will.
14:58You won't. I will. I'm off out
15:00now. See you later.
15:02Yeah, see you later, Grandad.
15:04You won't. I will. Listen, if I...
15:06Oi!
15:08Oi! Just a minute.
15:10Where do you think you're going? I'm going to the old folks
15:12Christmas do-over at the community centre.
15:14I thought anything would be better than sitting
15:16in here all night, listening to you two
15:18arguing. Tell us
15:20what happens in the sound of music.
15:22See ya.
15:24Yes. See ya, Grandad.
15:28That's terrific, that, isn't it?
15:30Charming. He goes out gallivanting,
15:32we have to stay in and watch Julie Andrews.
15:34Oh, no, brother.
15:36Definitely not.
15:38Let's put our glad rags on and hit the
15:40Monte Carlo Club, eh? Yeah.
15:42Right, now listen, I'll have a bath
15:44first, because there's hardly any hot water left.
15:46Right, you fit yourself a drink, make yourself
15:48comfortable and watch the circus.
15:50Alright?
16:12Oi, John.
16:20Oi, John.
16:22Yeah? Here's a Remy Martin
16:24with cream soda and lots of ice and
16:26half a lager.
16:28Hello, my son. You alright, Earl?
16:30Hello, dull boy. Nice Christmas.
16:32Oh, yeah, blinder.
16:34Where's the enemy? She took the kids over her mum's.
16:36Oh, yeah.
16:38Here, how's the old man? Up and down
16:40like Tower Bridge. Still in
16:42hospital, unconscious most of the
16:44time. You know, when he wakes up,
16:46he don't know where he is.
16:48Oh. Well, next time
16:50when he comes round again, you wish him
16:52a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney.
16:54Oh, will do. Yeah.
16:56What's wrong with him?
16:58I can't pronounce it.
17:02Oh, yeah, how much
17:04is that, please? 98p.
17:0698, there you are, I'll keep the change. Now listen, Earl.
17:08Now listen, my son.
17:10This is what you want to do. Next time you're up
17:12the hospital, you get hold of one of them surgeons, you know,
17:14they're the guys in the little white jackets, you know.
17:16You say to him that your old dad wants some antibiotics.
17:18Antibiotics. That is
17:20ant-y-bi-
17:22o-tics.
17:24Got it? Hang on, I'll
17:26write it down for you. Rodney, give me that replay
17:28I gave you for your Christmas present. There.
17:30Right. Martin, let's see.
17:32You're being a bit pushy, ain't you?
17:34I mean, don't you think the hospital's already thought of that?
17:36What, that bunch of wallies?
17:38No, these are magic
17:40things these are, Earl. I mean, they work
17:42a treat. God knows where they get them from.
17:44Do you remember when Grandad was in hospital about 18
17:46months back, they gave him so many of these
17:48antibiotics that one day he sneezed
17:50and two other blokes got better.
17:54Yeah, well, there you are, there it is.
17:56Don't take that to a chemist, will you, because it ain't a prescription.
17:58No, I won't, though, boy.
18:00Thanks a lot, that's really nice of you.
18:02Well, that's all right, my son. Now you have a good Christmas, you hear?
18:04Yeah, all right. Come on, Rodney.
18:08Well, you are something else you are.
18:10I mean, you've stuck your nose in where it weren't wanted
18:12a good few times, but this takes the biscuit,
18:14doesn't it? I mean, suddenly you're a miracle worker.
18:16Listen, listen, Rodney.
18:18Now, life has been pretty gutty
18:20for Earl quite recently.
18:22First of all, he got made redundant, and it's been like
18:24that between him and his missus,
18:26and then to top it all, his old man collapses in the
18:28nag's head right across the table where me
18:30and Trigg were sitting. It was terrible.
18:32The glasses went flying and everything.
18:34Yeah? What, serious?
18:36No, I only had about that much left.
18:38Now, I mean,
18:40he can't afford a private hospital.
18:42Wanted to take his old man to Lourdes,
18:44but he couldn't afford the fare. The way his luck's been going,
18:46he couldn't afford the fare to Leeds, let alone Lourdes.
18:50I've just given him a little bit of false hope,
18:52haven't I, eh? Like a light
18:54at the end of the tunnel, a straw to grab at.
18:56A bit of promise for the new year.
19:02Yeah, but I mean,
19:04what if he tells the hospital to administer these drugs, eh?
19:06I mean, what if they finish the old man off?
19:08Oh, leave it out, Rodney.
19:10What do you think they are at that hospital?
19:12A bunch of wallies?
19:14Come on, you idiot.
19:16You're flash, you are, aren't you?
19:18You think you know the lot, don't you?
19:20Everything about you is
19:22leery.
19:24What do you mean, leery?
19:26Look at the way you're dressed to begin with, eh?
19:28What? I mean, you make a Christmas tree
19:30look sombre.
19:32And God knows, eh, you've got the courage
19:34to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold.
19:36When they see you coming, you must look like
19:38a mugger's pension scheme.
19:40Listen, how do you think
19:42a peacock attracts a lady peacock, eh?
19:44With his plumage, right?
19:46Well, this is my plumage.
19:48You see, when I approach a bird,
19:50she doesn't see the real me,
19:52the young, good-looking man about town,
19:54own teeth and all that sort of game.
19:56She sees, you know, subconscious,
19:58it's a white yacht floating on
20:00the blue waters of a Caribbean bay.
20:02Is that right? Yeah.
20:04With you, they see a winklebarge sinking off
20:06the end of Southend Pier.
20:08No, because I don't need all the bullion
20:10and the perfume and the white shoes,
20:12cos I'm natural. I'm me, Dale. I'm me.
20:14Yes, I know you're you. That's why you always
20:16end up with a dog. I do not go out with dogs.
20:18Oh, leave it off, Rodney.
20:20You've had more dogs than Crufts.
20:22The other week, Grandad took your suit to the cleaners
20:24and they found a muzzle in the pocket.
20:26No. No, Rodney.
20:28I know the secret, you see. That's why I always
20:30blag the good'uns, you know, the air hostesses
20:32and the part-time models.
20:34Oh, yes, bruv. I've got the secret.
20:36Never fails me.
20:42Got a bone, Andy Rodders.
20:44I think you just cracked it again.
20:56And after we were to sit down,
20:58my pins are half aching.
21:00It's amazing, isn't it? Look at us, eh?
21:02The peck and play boys.
21:04I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad.
21:06Yeah, well, you ought to be used to it.
21:08The only thing you ever pull at Christmas
21:10is your cracker.
21:12Here, look, there's a table free over there, Rodders.
21:14Go on, look lively.
21:16Hey, Joe, look.
21:18Oh, what?
21:20Look. Oh, no, they've only pinched our table.
21:22Oh, never mind about the table. Look at them two.
21:24Yeah, well, I wanted to sit down.
21:26Well, sit at their table. Come on.
21:32Oh, look at them two.
21:34Oh, look at them two.
21:36Oh, look at them two.
21:38Oh, look at them two.
21:40Oh, look at them two.
21:42Oh, look at them two.
21:44Well, go on then, Dale.
21:46Go on what?
21:48Do the pisshole chat-em-up.
21:50How come it's always me that's got to do
21:51all of the donkey work, eh?
21:53You're not the spy you are, Rodders.
21:55You're the one that finds out where the enemy is hiding,
21:57but I'm the one that's got to charge across no man's land
21:59and do the capturing.
22:00Well, I think it's about time that you took some of
22:02the old shot and shelled. Go on.
22:04What, me chat-'em-up?
22:06Yeah, go on.
22:08Alright, I'll do it.
22:10So go on then.
22:12Oh, well.
22:21What are you doing?
22:22Eh?
22:23What are you doing?
22:24Psyching myself up.
22:27It's alright. Be with her in a minute, girls. He's just psyching himself up.
22:29Shut up!
22:30Come on, look. Behave yourself.
22:32Now, look, this is kamikaze time. Now, go on. Get over there.
22:35I will.
22:36Well, go on, then.
22:37In my own time, Del.
22:42Well, go on, then.
22:50Just shut up, will you?
23:03Oi!
23:04Soppy!
23:05Come here!
23:06I'd like to kill you sometimes.
23:13Sometimes I'd really like to hurt you bad.
23:15What was that silly walk for? Your gut's playing you up again.
23:18It wasn't a silly walk. It was body language.
23:20Look, I've got this book on it.
23:21Body language? I thought you were limping.
23:23I was talking to him.
23:25Talking? You were lisping?
23:26What were you supposed to be saying, then?
23:28Well, the walk was saying...
23:30Pelvis.
23:31Virility.
23:32It was saying,
23:33now, here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity.
23:37Oh.
23:38From back here, it was saying,
23:39here comes a man with his truss on back to front.
23:42Look, just don't do it. Right?
23:44Don't do it.
23:45Now, go over again, and this time, walk normal.
23:49Well, I'm not going back there now, am I?
23:51I made myself look a right lemon.
23:52No, you haven't. Go on.
23:53What, after aborting me attempt halfway through?
23:55No, you go.
23:56Well, after you made a right lemon of yourself?
23:58No way, brother. No.
23:59Now, listen.
24:00Come here, look.
24:01Tell you what we'll do.
24:02We'll act cool, right?
24:04Just come on, stroll casually over to the bar,
24:06we'll get ourselves a drink,
24:08and then when they're not looking...
24:09Sneak out?
24:10We'll sneak...
24:11No.
24:12When they're not looking,
24:14we'll ambush them.
24:16Phew, Wally.
24:18Come on.
24:32Hey, Dale.
24:33No, I've got it. I've got it.
24:34No, just now.
24:35Shut up. Shut up!
24:37This is what we're going to do.
24:39You're going to leave the club.
24:41Leave?
24:42Yeah.
24:43Then when you get outside,
24:44you leave it a couple of minutes, right?
24:45Then you come back to the doorman,
24:46and you say that there is a brand-new Rolls-Royce Cornish
24:49obstructing your three-wheel van.
24:52Why?
24:53Well, because then he'll come on the mic, won't he,
24:55and say,
24:56we're the owner of the brand-new Rolls-Royce Cornish,
24:58we're the owner of the brand-new Rolls-Royce Cornish,
25:00kindly move it,
25:01as it is obstructing some sap's three-wheel van.
25:04See, then I will casually get up,
25:07jangle in my keys,
25:09and join you outside.
25:12Why?
25:14Well, because then birds will think
25:16that I drive a brand-new Rolls-Royce Cornish, won't they?
25:19Oh, yeah.
25:22Yeah, but they'll also think that I drive a three-wheel van.
25:25Yeah, well, you do, don't you?
25:27I know I do, but I don't want them knowing that, do I?
25:29Well, they won't, will they?
25:30Because you'll be outside.
25:33With you?
25:34Right.
25:36So that means the girls will be in here in the warm,
25:39and us two shrewdies will be outside on the pavement somewhere
25:42congratulating each other.
25:43Then we're going to have to pay to get back in again.
25:51Yeah, all right.
25:52All right, then, clever dick.
25:55All right, what we'll do, we'll play it by ear.
25:56We'll just go over there and engage them in conversation, right?
25:58Right.
25:59Right.
26:03I know, I'll do it in a minute, Dill.
26:04What?
26:05What sort of conversation are you going to engage them in, eh?
26:08I mean, you always tell lies, don't you?
26:09You always say,
26:10oh, yeah, you've got flash cars and we're film producers
26:12and we've got a private jet, don't you?
26:14Well, everyone exaggerates now and then, Rodney.
26:16Yeah, but I don't know what to say.
26:18I get embarrassed.
26:19Look, just tell them the truth, right?
26:21Just tell them about our lives and what we do.
26:23All right, all right.
26:25I just want to sit down.
26:26You can do the talking.
26:27Right.
26:29Now, hold it, Dill.
26:30Oh, God almighty.
26:32What shall I say to them?
26:33What?
26:34Well, I don't know.
26:35Why don't you tell them that you went down the auction on Friday
26:38and bought a 1962 A40,
26:40that you sold 30 Christmas trees in the market
26:42and knocked out two gross and fire-salvaged Rubik cubes
26:45in Croydon shopping precinct.
26:46You know, tantalise them, Rodney.
26:48Tantalise them.
26:49Don't think it might bore them?
26:51No.
26:52They won't have had so much fun since their last exorcism.
26:55Why don't you talk about Christmas?
26:56Yeah, that's a good idea.
26:57Tell them all about the giblets.
26:59Come on.
27:01No, don't hold it.
27:02Look, I shall kick you in the...
27:04shins in a minute.
27:06Now what?
27:07Which one do you fancy?
27:09Not yours.
27:10Look, they're both very nice.
27:12Look, I ain't particular.
27:14No, I ain't particular neither.
27:16Good. I'll have the blonde one, then.
27:17No, I fancy the blonde one.
27:19Golden.
27:20Venet.
27:21Now, listen.
27:22The dark-haired one is very nice.
27:24And if I'm not mistaken,
27:25I've seen her two or three times
27:26coming out of Guy's Hospital.
27:28Now, either she is a very sick girl
27:29or she's a nurse.
27:30Now, you like a nice nurse, don't you, eh?
27:32Particularly if they're in uniform, eh?
27:35Well, you know, take it or leave it, you know.
27:37Anyway, she's not wearing a uniform, is she?
27:40Well, of course she ain't.
27:42You don't come to the Monte Carlo Club
27:43dressed up like Sister George, do you?
27:45On the other hand,
27:46she might have her uniform with her.
27:48Oh, yeah.
27:49Stuffed in her handbag
27:50in case she sees an accident on her way home.
27:53All right, so she hasn't got her uniform with her.
27:56On the other hand,
27:57she might have something for your stomach,
27:58mightn't she?
27:59Now, come along.
28:00We're going to make our move,
28:02and I'm going to do all the talking.
28:04So if you should hear things like
28:05Lamborghini, Malibu Beach, or Lady Diana,
28:08don't get nervous.
28:10All right.
28:11Right.
28:20You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
28:22Me?
28:23Don't blame me, Gill.
28:24It's your fault.
28:25Look, five minutes ago,
28:26I was ready to make my move,
28:27and you kept calling me back again.
28:28An hour ago,
28:29I was halfway across that floor,
28:30and you called me back.
28:31Yes, that's because
28:32you was doing a silly walk,
28:33weren't you?
28:34But anyway, your timing was all wrong.
28:36The girls had hardly sat down,
28:37and you were steaming across the floor
28:38like Ivor the Engine.
28:40No good crashing in there
28:41with a smile and a prayer.
28:44A woman needs time, Rodney.
28:46Yeah, well, them tactics
28:47have never failed me in the past.
28:48Well, I know it wouldn't do,
28:49with them oval-teenies that you chat up.
28:51Listen, I've heard your line of patter, my son.
28:53If they don't know Adamant's birthday
28:55or the Chelsea result,
28:56it's good night Vienna, innit?
28:58With me, it's different.
29:00I take a woman's feelings
29:01into consideration.
29:03I do.
29:05Look, when a woman goes out with me,
29:07she is guaranteed three things.
29:09Well, four, actually,
29:10but a fourth is an optimal extra.
29:12She is guaranteed a well-dressed man.
29:15Yes, she is.
29:17She's guaranteed a steak meal,
29:19and she is guaranteed
29:20care and consideration.
29:22Oh, now, cut.
29:23Oh, yes, she is.
29:25I take a woman's feelings
29:26into consideration.
29:27Oh, it's so easy to hurt her deeply
29:30with a faultless word,
29:31a badly timed gesture.
29:34No, I care about women's feelings.
29:37There's too much pain in this world, Rodney,
29:39without me causing more.
29:49Oh, no, don't.
29:51Excuse me, ladies,
29:52it's getting rather late,
29:54and my brother and I were wondering
29:55if you were thinking about going home yet.
29:57Oh, yes,
29:58we were just going to get our coats.
30:00Oh, good.
30:01We can have your chairs then, can't we?
30:03Come on.
30:04That's fine.
30:05Come on.
30:06Come on, Rodney.
30:07Excuse me.