Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S03 Е03 - Friday the 14th
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00:00Oi! What's wrong with you?
00:04Oh, you've stoned me.
00:08Here we are.
00:12Guess where we're going at the weekend.
00:16Give us a clue.
00:18Right, Robbie, if you insist.
00:20There you are.
00:21Ow, you dirty pig! Get it away!
00:24How's that rice going down? All right?
00:26Ow!
00:27Where are we going then, Del?
00:29We're going skiing.
00:31Where do you think we're going, you silly old...
00:33We're going fishing, aren't we?
00:34Well, I know that. I mean, where?
00:36Oh, see what you mean. We're going to a place called Tregoa.
00:38Where's that?
00:39Sir Cornwall.
00:40Cornwall?
00:41Why are we going all the way down there?
00:43Because that's where Boyce's weekend cottage is.
00:44I had dinner with him last night at Mario's
00:46and he happened to mention he'd got his weekend cottage and it was free,
00:48and so Bob's your uncle.
00:50How much rent's he charging you?
00:51Nothing.
00:52He's letting us have it for free?
00:54Yeah, all for gratis.
00:55Oh, now, come on, Del, there's got to be something behind this,
00:57because Boyce would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate.
01:02You're becoming so cynical, Rodney.
01:04He's just doing a mate a favour, ain't he?
01:06Yeah.
01:07Wait a minute, you met him in Mario's?
01:09Yeah, that's right, yeah. Grab that, come on, look.
01:11Clear up all this fishing gear, will you, because I want to pop out.
01:13Mario's is a fish restaurant.
01:15Is it? Yeah, see you later.
01:17Bit of a coincidence, Del, isn't it?
01:19You meeting him in a fish restaurant,
01:20then the next thing we're all going fishing.
01:23He's like Elliot Bleeding Ness at times, isn't he, eh?
01:26All right, Rodney, I was going to tell you when we got down here,
01:29you know, as a sort of surprise, like.
01:31Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, as a surprise, yeah.
01:33Well, this cottage happens to be
01:35near one of the finest salmon fishing streams in England.
01:37Now, Mario has agreed to pay us ten pounds
01:40for every fish that we bring back.
01:42Now, Boyce and I are going to halve it, that's a fiver each,
01:44so let's say that we do, what, 60 fish,
01:47that'll be 300 sovs in our pocket.
01:50Now, we split it three ways,
01:52that means that you and Grandad get 50 pounds each
01:55a weekend's fishing and three digs.
01:57Now, what do you reckon to that?
01:59I reckon it's illegal.
02:01You hurt me sometimes, Rodney, you really do.
02:03You don't even let me finish before you go
02:05jumping to your nasty little delusions.
02:07It's lucky you own a judge, Rodney.
02:09You dang them before they finish you.
02:11All right, I'm sorry, I just thought...
02:13I know exactly what you thought.
02:17So, we got permission, have we?
02:19Well, we will have.
02:21We see the gamekeeper when we get down there
02:23and we pay him 25 quid.
02:25What, and he gives us a fishing permit?
02:27No, he shows us old, in offence.
02:29I knew it.
02:30It's called business.
02:31It's called stealing.
02:33No, it ain't, Rodney.
02:34Listen to your Grandad.
02:35It's called poaching.
02:39And what do we know about that, eh?
02:41Del, he can't even poach an egg.
02:45Rodney, it'll be a doddle.
02:47This stream's jam-packed with salmon.
02:49We just put our hooks in and whip them out.
02:51Del, it is illegal, it is immoral, it is unethical.
02:53All right.
02:55Me and Grandad will go on our own
02:57and split the profits between us.
03:01Now, I didn't say I wouldn't come, did I?
03:07Gum poaching, boo-boo-boo-boo
03:10Left a sign up on the door
03:13Gum poaching, boo-boo-boo-boo
03:17You keep on, Rodney, and you're going to get a smack right in the earhole.
03:29Oi, oi, oi, what's all this about?
03:32Oh, my God, it's the old Bill.
03:34Someone doubled you up about them salmon.
03:36Shush.
03:38Look, just let me do the talking.
03:46Good evening, officer.
03:48Now, if it's about the tax disc,
03:50I can assure you that the new one is in the post.
03:52Something to do with your road fund licence, sir.
03:54Down for a bit of fishing, Howard?
03:56Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that, no.
03:59Then why have you got three fishing rods tied to your roof rack?
04:05Yeah, well, er...
04:07Oh, no, no, cos you remember,
04:09we said we might do a little bit of fishing.
04:11Oh, yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah, might do, you know,
04:13just a little bit, like, you know, tiddlers.
04:15Oh, no.
04:19I see.
04:20You haven't given anyone a lift in the last half hour or so, have you, sir?
04:25Er... no.
04:27Look, what is this all about, anyway?
04:29We've just had word that a patient's escaped from a local hospital.
04:32Escaped?
04:33What you got out here, National Health Stalags?
04:37It's no ordinary hospital, sir.
04:39It's an institute for the criminally insane.
04:42See, this storm's brought a few power cables down.
04:45Wrecked out the entire area.
04:47It even put the institute's security system out of action.
04:50So this patient took his chance
04:53and made off across the moors.
04:56He's out there somewhere now.
04:58For all I know, he could be watching us.
05:03What was he in there for, anyway?
05:05Ten years ago, this very night,
05:07he killed a party of weekend fishermen.
05:11They called him the Axe Murderer.
05:15No, no, I didn't. I must have been out that night.
05:19You good people be very careful.
05:21Don't pick up any hitchhikers.
05:23Don't stop for anyone, no matter what the circumstance is.
05:26And if you see or hear anything suspicious,
05:28phone the police immediately.
05:30Your lives may depend on it.
05:33Right, gentlemen. Have a nice weekend, won't you?
05:41Yeah, well, come on. Full ahead, both, Rodney.
05:43Ain't going on, are we?
05:45Yeah, of course we are.
05:47There is a crazed Axe Murderer out there somewhere.
05:50I know that, Rodders, but you seem to be forgetting
05:53that we're on a 300-quid earner.
05:56Don't worry, we'll be locked up safe and sound in Boise's Cottage.
06:01Anyway, there's three of us.
06:04It's me and you.
06:07It's me and you.
06:12Don't worry, I'll look after you.
06:36Come on, let's get this stuff out of the way. Come on.
06:48All right, Brendan?
07:06I wish you'd shut up. You're making me nervous.
07:10Look, I didn't say I saw someone, did I?
07:13Just that I saw something.
07:15Don't worry. Get them lanterns going, will you, Rodney?
07:17What? What's wrong with the lights?
07:19There's no electric, is there?
07:20Someone's been tampering with it.
07:22No, look, the storm has blown the power cables over, remember?
07:25The whole area's blacked out, isn't it?
07:27I'll see if I can find some candles in this cupboard over here.
07:37What are you doing?
07:39I'm phoning the law.
07:40You're doing what? What are you trying to do to me?
07:43God! Look, we're down here doing a bit of fishing.
07:46The last thing we need is the local police here sniffing round our keep nets.
07:50Look, that cop has said if we see or hear anything suspicious, phone the police immediately.
07:55Our lives could depend on it.
07:57All right, then, who have you seen, Hawkeye?
07:59Oh, I saw...
08:03A movement in the trees.
08:04A movement?
08:05Of course you've seen a movement in the trees.
08:07There's a rotting typhoid blown out there.
08:12Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry.
08:13It's all right, it comes to be.
08:14Come on, cool yourself together, all right?
08:16I'll be all right.
08:17Yeah, that's it.
08:19It's a typhoon.
08:21Ah, good idea, Rodney. Put the kettle on, we'll have a nice cup of tea.
08:26Er, Dale, there's only an electric kettle out there.
08:29Well, use the saucepan, then.
08:33No, there ain't none.
08:35Ben, it'll come out of my way, I'll do it.
08:38Here, look, have a look in that sideboard.
08:40See if Boycey's left any scotch, will you?
08:42If he hasn't, we'll have to drink mine.
08:45Here you are, Rodney.
08:47See what I mean? There ain't no ghosties or ghoulies out here!
08:54Dear boy, come in here quick.
08:56Rodney's found something.
08:59Has he, what?
09:00or ghoulies are here.
09:06Come in here quick.
09:08Rodney's found something.
09:10Has he what?
09:16Monopoly.
09:18Now we are all doomed.
09:20Not the monopoly.
09:24What's?
09:26It's only a chopper.
09:28It's an act.
09:30The same thing.
09:32No doubt. The police ain't looking for an escape chopper murderer.
09:36Look, just a minute.
09:38Let me ask you two something.
09:40Where are we?
09:42We're in stock.
09:44No, we're in the country, aren't we?
09:46Country people have these things hanging about.
09:48It's part and parcel of their lives.
09:50All right, let me ask you something.
09:52Where do you think that escape bloke is right now?
09:54Probably out there on them moors.
09:56In this weather?
09:58Well, he's mad, ain't he?
10:00He might be mad. He'd have to be bloody stupid to be out on the moors.
10:02Exactly.
10:04I reckon he'd have holed up somewhere.
10:06Found himself an empty place.
10:08Like this.
10:10Yeah, but this place ain't empty, is it?
10:12It was before we arrived, Bill.
10:16What do you reckon, all right then?
10:18He's up there having a kip?
10:20He could be up there.
10:22Well, I shouldn't let it worry you, Grandad,
10:24I mean, what is this fairy story that you're giving me?
10:26What's the matter with you two?
10:28You been sniffing the boss dick or something?
10:30All right, then.
10:32Well, why don't you go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire
10:34and check it out?
10:38No, I don't have to.
10:40No, I mean, listen,
10:42would any self-respecting axe murderer
10:44pop upstairs for 40 winks
10:46and leave his chopper in the sideboard?
10:50He might have a spare one.
10:52He's got a kit of them now, has he?
10:54I suppose you've got a little caddy
10:56that carries them around for him.
10:58And another thing, if the man of the moment
11:00is upstairs having a lie-in,
11:02who was it that you thought you saw out there in the trees?
11:04His brother?
11:06Oh, yeah, that's right.
11:08Can't be two places at once.
11:10No, of course not.
11:12Oh, he's most probably off out to London by now.
11:14Yeah, of course he is.
11:16He's most probably looking for an empty place up there.
11:18I hope we don't find our flat.
11:20Stop!
11:22Will you just stop all this nonsense?
11:26Look, look, are we all agreed
11:28that we are safe and sound?
11:30Er, well, yeah.
11:32Right, all right. Now, can we just, you know,
11:34can we just, like, relax a bit now, you know?
11:36You all right, El?
11:38Now...
11:42I wonder where the toilet is.
11:44Oh, it's outside.
11:46That's all it is. We come in.
11:50CLATTERING
11:54I think I'll leave it till the morning.
12:02Ah, Park Lane. I think that's one of my properties, Rodney.
12:04Course it is.
12:06You own everything on a board.
12:08No, I don't, no, I don't.
12:10Look, you've got Coventry Street, Grandad's got a waterworks and all that.
12:12Er, yeah, Park Lane
12:14with one hotel, 2,000 pounds a week.
12:16Two...
12:18I've done.
12:20According to this, it's only 1,500.
12:22Yes, I know, but I put you in the penthouse suite, haven't I?
12:26I don't want the penthouse suite, do I?
12:28There you go, 1,500. That's all you're getting.
12:30Like a big kid, innit?
12:32Yeah, well, I give up on him, Grandad.
12:34It's your go, Grandfather.
12:38Ah, Piccadilly.
12:40Right, that's mine, innit? I've got a hotel, so that's 1,200 pounds.
12:421,200 pounds for a hotel
12:44next to a smelly old waterworks?
12:46What?
12:48All them sewers.
12:50I'd rather sleep in the car or look for a bed and breakfast.
12:54No, no, you don't understand.
12:56Bless him.
12:58That's in the rules.
13:001,200 pounds is scandalous.
13:02I ain't a tourist, you know.
13:06Phil, can you have a word with him?
13:10Well, I think he's got a point, Rodney.
13:12I mean, I don't know what possessed you to build a hotel
13:14on a cottage farm in the first place.
13:16I mean, let's face it, you know, your gaffer's never going to get in a Michelin Guide, is he, eh?
13:20But the point of the...
13:26Stupid bloody game!
13:28Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
13:30Well, that's charming, that, isn't it, eh?
13:32Just because you're losing.
13:34Oh, shut up!
13:36You want to learn to grow up a bit, my son?
13:38I didn't want to play this stupid bloody game in the first place.
13:40Yeah, all right, yeah. Grandad, I think there's a hotel underneath your chair.
13:42There's plenty of money down there, it's mine, right?
13:44Oh, look, there's a car.
13:46There's a top hat.
13:48Oh, there's a car.
13:50There it is.
13:52There's plenty more money down there.
14:04Phil.
14:06Don't you speak to me, Rodney. I'm finished with you.
14:08Phil, there is a man at the window.
14:12Who, what?
14:14There is a man at the window.
14:16He ain't got a bucket and a shabby leather hat.
14:22I'm being serious, Phil.
14:24There is somebody at the window.
14:30All right, Rodney, all right.
14:32Relax.
14:34Just take it easy, all right?
14:36Go and take a look.
14:42Mm-hmm.
14:50Nice walk.
14:52There's nothing there, Rodney. Look, there's no one out there.
14:54He was there, Del, I swear to you.
14:56My face was only inches from that glass.
14:58What did he look like?
15:00Horrible. He had these evil eyes and this grotesque, evil face.
15:04Maybe it was a reflection.
15:06That was no reflection, Del.
15:08I swear to God, I was as close...
15:10What do you mean, a reflection?
15:12No, no, what I mean is that your imagination
15:14sometimes plays games with you, you know?
15:16It tricks you into believing that you saw something
15:18that isn't really there.
15:20Del, I saw the rain running down his forehead.
15:22I saw the blood vessels in the whites of his eyes.
15:24I saw the hairs coming out of his nostrils.
15:26It might have been the shadows in the trees, Rodney.
15:30Oh, dear God!
15:36Is anyone there?
15:38There's someone at the door.
15:40No, it's most probably just the shadows.
15:44Shadows? Until they start singing
15:46summer holidays, we'll expect the worst.
15:50Who's there?
15:52Oh, good evening. My name's Robson.
15:54I'm chief of security at the institution.
15:56Oh, thank God for that.
15:58What the hell do you think you're doing?
16:00It's the chief of security at the hospital.
16:02Says who?
16:04Will he just this minute?
16:06It can't be anybody.
16:10You.
16:12Get ready.
16:18Will?
16:20Will what?
16:22Is that him?
16:24The face at the window.
16:26I don't know. I didn't look.
16:28You wally!
16:30Is everything all right?
16:32I won't give you a minute, chief.
16:34Can you take a good look?
16:36All right.
16:38Ready?
16:40Good evening.
16:42Well?
16:44No, it's not.
16:46You sure?
16:48Yeah, I'm positive.
16:50It's definitely not him.
16:52Do come in, chief.
16:56Appalling weather.
16:58Sorry about leaving you standing out there,
17:00but we can't be too sure, can we?
17:02There's identification.
17:04There's everything there from my driver's license
17:06to my blood donor's card.
17:08That's all right.
17:10Fix the chief a drink, will you?
17:12So, you haven't caught him yet, then?
17:14Unfortunately, no.
17:16We've extended the search up to this area now.
17:18We have the entire police forces of three counties
17:20out looking for him.
17:22I was passing, saw a light.
17:24What exactly are you gentlemen doing here?
17:26We're on a fishing trip.
17:28I don't suppose you've seen anything?
17:30Well, other than the face at the window, nothing.
17:32Face at the window?
17:34Yeah, well, I mean, Rodney here reckoned
17:36he saw a face at the window,
17:38and I don't know whether to believe him or not.
17:40Oh, I saw him, Bill.
17:42I was only sort of like three inches away from him.
17:44Could you describe him for me?
17:46Yeah, of course I could.
17:48He was about, um, 50.
17:50He had this gaunt, hungered expression, you know,
17:52and his eyes were like wild animals.
17:54Yeah, and he got, what, air out of his nostrils?
17:56Oh, yeah, there was all that.
17:58It was a reflection.
18:00Look, it was not a reflection.
18:02I'm sorry, but at times like these,
18:04people's imaginations run amok.
18:06Why, we've had 200 sightings this evening alone.
18:08What was the colour of his hair?
18:12What?
18:14On his head.
18:16Oh, uh, grey.
18:18Ah, sounds like my man.
18:20When exactly did this happen?
18:22Well, just now, a minute or so before you arrived.
18:24Hmm, he must have seen me.
18:26You reckon he's still out there, then?
18:28Oh, no, he'll be long gone by now.
18:30It's the uniform, you see.
18:32He's terrified of people in authority.
18:34Well, after ten years in an institution,
18:36who wouldn't be?
18:38Yeah, well, I feel sorry for the poor little cock.
18:42Chief, do you mind if I asked you something?
18:44What's that?
18:46Well, is it safe for me to go to the car seat?
18:48I mean, south side.
18:50Oh, you're perfectly safe.
18:52It'll be a long way away by now.
18:54Oh.
19:00Well, go on then, Joe.
19:02There's nothing to be frightened of now.
19:04I know. You don't have to go out there, do you?
19:06But you heard what the chief said.
19:08Go on, there's no need to worry.
19:10All right.
19:20He's such a worrier.
19:24Oh.
19:38You weren't frightened at all?
19:40Me? No.
19:42No, because, you see, in the past,
19:44I have done work for the mentally disturbed.
19:46They went out selling flags one Saturday.
19:50Well, yeah, but I can actually
19:52sympathise with this guy's problems.
19:54Sympathise? But he's a psycho.
19:56Have you any idea what a psycho,
19:58as you so eloquently put it, is?
20:00Course I have.
20:02He's a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.
20:22Bounce. Bounce.
20:32Bounce. Bounce.
20:34Rodney! Grandad!
20:36Come out here, quick!
20:38Bring some rope!
20:40Yeah.
20:42So then, right, I grabbed the axe out of his hand
20:44and I cracked him good and hard on the jaw
20:46so obviously he went down right.
20:48Then I tied him up good and tight
20:50and I pulled him in the back of the van.
20:52Well, good work, lad. You say you caught him single-handed?
20:54Yeah.
20:58Well, um, no.
21:00There was my brother back at the cottage.
21:02He helped a bit.
21:04You're too modest, Rodney.
21:06Well, there could be a medal in this.
21:08Well.
21:10Right, get ready, lads.
21:12This one could be a handful.
21:14Is this some kind of joke?
21:16What do you mean?
21:18This is no escape lunatic.
21:20This is Tom Whitten, the gamekeeper.
21:22And you shouldn't have gagged him like that.
21:24He suffers from asthma.
21:26Well, now, hold on a minute.
21:28The chief of security from the institution itself
21:30said it was him.
21:32What chief of security?
21:34What's his name? Robson.
21:36I mean, you can ask him yourself.
21:38He's back at the cottage with Dale.
21:40Chief Robson is not at the cottage.
21:42He's at the hospital.
21:44The escape man hit him on the head,
21:46then stole his uniform
21:48and his identity papers.
21:50Well, I still reckon
21:52we should have gone with him.
21:54Oh, no, it was imperative.
21:56I made out my report immediately.
21:58And, after all, I needed you here with me.
22:00You were the one that recaptured him.
22:02Well, yes, I am, I suppose, yeah.
22:04Yeah, what do you say we have a nice little drink
22:06to celebrate, eh?
22:08Well, the old weather's clearing up nicely.
22:10Come on.
22:16Oh, there you go, chief.
22:18Oh, excuse me.
22:20Yes, hello?
22:22Oh, hello, Rodders.
22:24Did you get there all right? Yeah?
22:32He's what?
22:34Oh.
22:38Oh.
22:40You all right?
22:44The chief's just standing there, you know,
22:46examining his axe.
22:50Yeah, all right, well, you'll hurry back, won't you?
22:52All right, goodbye.
22:58Well, I just phoned up, you know.
23:00Tell us he got there all right.
23:02Good.
23:04Do you like fish?
23:06What? Do you like fish?
23:08Oh, yeah, yeah, a little bit of salt and vinegar, lovely.
23:10I only like living fish.
23:12Fish that swim in the rivers
23:14and the seas.
23:16I don't like people that kill them.
23:18No, no, no, I don't like that sort myself.
23:20But I saw fishing rods on your van.
23:22No, no, no, they didn't belong to me.
23:24They belonged to my brother and my granddad.
23:26I mean, I keep telling them, I beg them not to hurt the poor little fishies.
23:28I mean, I only come down here for the fresh air.
23:32Good.
23:36Do you like snooker?
23:40Snooker?
23:42Yes!
23:44Do you? Oh, yes.
23:46So do I, it's terrific, isn't it?
23:48Shall we play a game?
23:50Well, snooker?
23:52Yes!
23:54Yeah, yeah, all right.
23:56I'll tell you what,
23:58I'll just pop out to the shed at the bottom of the garden
24:00and put a snooker table in there, all right?
24:02No need.
24:06We'll use this one.
24:08Here.
24:12What?
24:14You mean you want this one here, you mean?
24:16Yes!
24:18Yeah, yeah, OK.
24:22Thank God for that.
24:24Is that a police helicopter?
24:26No, you're all right, it's Barrett's.
24:31Good.
24:36You can break.
24:40Um...
24:42I'll tell you what,
24:44why don't I put that somewhere safe?
24:46Cos you won't be able to
24:48hold your cue properly with that in your hand, will you?
24:54Now...
24:56I suppose you're all right.
24:58Yeah, of course I am.
25:00You know it makes sense.
25:04Which cue would you like?
25:10Um...
25:18I'll have this one.
25:20Good. This is my favourite.
25:24You can see it's a good'un, can't you?
25:26I'm not very good at snooker.
25:28I always lose.
25:30I've got a feeling you're going to win this one.
25:32I hope not.
25:34I don't like winning.
25:36My father used to force me to win at everything I did.
25:38But people challenge winners.
25:40You become vulnerable.
25:42You feel open to attack.
25:44Do you know the feeling?
25:46Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
25:48But losers are anonymous.
25:50No-one wants to challenge a loser.
25:52There's something comforting in defeat.
25:56I really like losing.
26:00There you are.
26:02Well, what do you say
26:04we make this game a little more interesting?
26:06Shall we play for a tenner a frame?
26:10Oh, all right.
26:12I've got a feeling that this weekend
26:14is not going to be a total loss after all.
26:16Nothing.
26:18Got a chalk?
26:20Thanks.