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Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:30Here he is!
00:35Have you forgotten?
00:36Forgotten what?
00:37The mountain.
00:38Course I ain't forgotten. You and me up Brokeback Mountain.
00:44You haven't seen Brokeback Mountain, have you?
00:46No. How do you know that?
00:48Just a guess.
00:50But you're not going to climb Benidorm's tallest mountain like that, are you?
00:52No. I'm going to climb it like this.
00:59Seriously though, you're going to go up a mountain in just flip-flops?
01:02Course I'm not going to go up the mountain in just flip-flops.
01:05Okay, good.
01:10Right, let's do this.
01:12Mate, we're going to be out in the sun all day long.
01:14We need food, sun cream, you need a t-shirt.
01:17Mate, we ain't going up there for a picnic.
01:19It's us against Mother Nature.
01:21We is going to be like barbecue grills.
01:23Do you mean bear grills?
01:25I don't know.
01:27I'm serious.
01:29We need proper clothing, a bit of food and plenty of water.
01:32Go get dressed, I'll nick some grub from the breakfast bar and you get the Agwas in.
01:38Is that a problem?
01:40No, mate. No problem.
01:43You get the food, I'll get the Agwas in.
01:46Alright, sweet. See you in reception in ten minutes.
01:50Remember, if you need me, call me.
01:53No matter where you are, no matter how far.
01:57What?
01:59Just call my name. I'll be there in a hurry.
02:02On that you can depend and never worry.
02:07Because there ain't no mountain high enough.
02:11Ain't no valley low enough.
02:15To keep me from getting to you.
02:19All I'm saying is, don't mention anything about last night.
02:25Don't mention anything?
02:27I thought we could say we've decided to go home early because I left the gas on.
02:35Mother, if you left the gas on for three days, we'd have no one to go back to.
02:40I just don't want to embarrass her.
02:43Embarrass her?
02:45I was the one who had to peel her off that bloke at reception at four o'clock this morning.
02:49Singing sexually early.
02:51What were you singing that for?
02:53Me.
02:55Here she comes.
02:59Good morning.
03:02Didn't expect to see you till this afternoon.
03:04Why ever not?
03:06We may be on holiday, but that's no excuse for lettering.
03:09It's no excuse for straddling the night porter or singing Marvin Gaye either.
03:12That's not fair, Pauline. Not if he was gay.
03:17I admit it wasn't my finest hour, but let's not get carried away.
03:20The holiday spirit is expected when one is on vacation.
03:24Yeah, and you drank more holiday spirit than the rest of the hotel put together.
03:29A momentary lapse. I can assure you, I no longer have a drink problem.
03:34No, love. It's everyone around you ends up with the problem.
03:39I think we just have to admit you're not in the right place to enjoy Benidorm at the moment.
03:44Well, where is the right place?
03:46No, I'm saying Pauline's not in the right space. In her head.
03:50Well, that makes even less sense.
03:54Pauline, Jeff and I have decided to cut the holiday short.
03:59If you're not enjoying yourselves, I suppose there's no point you being here.
04:02For all of us.
04:04What? You're taking your own Pauline?
04:07For your own sake.
04:09This is rubbish.
04:11You're just getting into my stride.
04:14Ah, yes, if you please.
04:16One very small, large vodka and orange and a...
04:20Excuse me?
04:22Where are you going?
04:24You, sir, have the manners of an army-ard fanimal.
04:28A farmyard animal.
04:31Nobody will serve you, love.
04:35We're all going home.
04:39We can't go home.
04:41We're booked till the end of the week.
04:43We've already changed the flights.
04:45What?
04:47To when?
04:49When are we leaving?
04:58Go on, pack your stuff, love.
05:06Excuse me.
05:08You weren't thinking of taking that food out of the hotel, were you?
05:12Uh, no.
05:14I was just using this bag to carry everything back to my table.
05:18Yes.
05:20I'm afraid you're going to have to put everything back at once, thank you.
05:23But the thing is, I'm climbing a mountain with my friend Joey today.
05:27I don't care if you're digging a hole to China with David Yip.
05:31All food is to be consumed.
05:33All food is to be consumed on the premises.
05:45Who's David Yip?
05:52Welcome to the Salona. How can I help?
05:54Well, uh, I need your help.
05:56That's why I'm here, Paul.
05:58I am in great need of a man.
06:02Oh, I see.
06:04Well, it's a bit early, but you could always try the pink trombone in the old town.
06:09Mind you, it doesn't get busy till they open the finger buffet at one o'clock.
06:12Listen to me. I look for a man here.
06:19I am sorry. I travel far. I am tired.
06:22Look, I'm not sure I can help you, Paul.
06:25This man, he work here.
06:27Oh, I see. Well, why didn't you say so?
06:30Well, if you describe him, I might know him.
06:32OK. He has the black hair, tan for the skin,
06:37and he is, how you say, a simple man.
06:43Can you be a bit more specific?
06:45He is Spanish.
06:47Oh, well, that doesn't really narrow it down very much, Paul.
06:50He has the name Mateo.
06:53Can I ask what this is about?
06:55I cannot say. It is a private matter between me and Mateo.
06:59Right. As entertaining as this has been, I've got work to do.
07:03Why don't you go and wait at the pool bar through there,
07:06and I'll go and see if I can find Mateo.
07:08If you see him, you tell him it is a matter of life and death.
07:14Do you understand?
07:16I think I do.
07:20Bloody hell.
07:25There you go, one beer.
07:27Thanks, love.
07:28Has anyone told you how pretty you are?
07:31No, you're the first one ever.
07:33You want a beer's already? It's only ten o'clock.
07:36Is it? I thought you were later.
07:39Five to ten.
07:41Oh, aye.
07:45Excuse me, love. Just top that up with lemonade, will you?
07:48All the way to the top?
07:49No, just a dash. Don't drown it.
07:52Dad, me and Sharon have been talking.
07:56Oh, aye.
07:57Yeah, and I know she's been a bit resistant to the idea,
08:01but she's reconsidered and she's happy for you to move in with us.
08:04Oh, she's seen the error of her ways, then?
08:07No, no, don't say that in front of her.
08:09It takes a big woman to admit she were wrong.
08:12I don't mean fat, I mean...
08:14Dad, Dad, for God's sake, don't mess this up.
08:16It were her that nearly messed it up telling me I couldn't live with you.
08:20There you go.
08:21Thanks, love.
08:23There is one condition on you moving in.
08:26I knew the Ice Queen would thaw eventually.
08:28No woman can resist the Dawson charm for very long.
08:31Far from lesbians.
08:33I'm not a magician.
08:35Dad, will you listen to me, please?
08:37You don't know what this means to me, son.
08:39I can't bear the thought of living alone any more.
08:43I need a house full of life, full of love.
08:47I need me family back.
08:50Now, what were you saying about a condition?
08:53Oh, it were nothing.
08:55It must have been something.
08:57No, no, it were just...
09:00No ladies after ten o'clock.
09:02Not a problem.
09:04I'm more of an afternoon delight kind of man, anyway.
09:08MUSIC PLAYS
09:23Please, Tag.
09:25No more, please. I can't take it.
09:28Mate, I can literally still see the bus.
09:32Please, we need to rest.
09:34I'm not an athlete.
09:36I can't feel my legs.
09:38Seriously, I'm not even joking.
09:40I can't feel anything in my legs.
09:42Ow!
09:44All right. I can feel a bit.
09:46Come on, mate, what happened to us against Mother Nature?
09:49No offence, but Mother Nature's a bitch.
09:52Come on.
09:54Would a barbecue grill sit here morning,
09:56or would it climb the mountain?
09:58Oh, my God.
10:00There's a barbecue at the top.
10:02Now you're talking.
10:04Now you're talking.
10:18Hey, thanks for agreeing to wear the uniform, Kenneth.
10:21No worries.
10:23And thank you for letting me make a few adjustments.
10:27What did I say? It's all about compromise.
10:30KNOCK AT DOOR
10:34Hiya, Jacqueline, you all right?
10:36No. Well, yes.
10:38I've got a date tonight with a man,
10:41and I need your advice.
10:43Jacqueline, I don't mean to sound rude,
10:45but your experience with men is even greater than mine.
10:48Who's the lucky fella?
10:50Troy, for goodness' sake, like we don't know.
10:52They were wrestling each other to the ground yesterday round that pool.
10:55No, we were not.
10:57He just rubbed a bit of suntan cream on me back.
10:59Yeah, and in Neptune's he was rubbing the creases of his trousers
11:02whilst you played with your bubble and squeak.
11:04I honestly can't remember. What's he look like?
11:06He looks a bit like a drunken sunburnt Santa Claus on holiday.
11:11Right, well, better make sure you don't end up on his naughty list, eh?
11:15Yeah, and make sure he wraps his present
11:17before he shoves it down your chimney.
11:21What?
11:32KNOCK AT DOOR
11:34Oh, great.
11:36Come on!
11:39Come on.
11:45Why aren't you answering your phone?
11:49Is everything OK?
11:51As I'm sleeping in the place I work, of course everything is not OK.
11:54Well, I stayed here loads of times before. You never complained.
11:57Yeah, but that is when I'm sleeping with a guest.
12:00It is different if you are paying for this rubbish yourself.
12:03Well, why don't you get a proper place?
12:05With what less? Hmm?
12:07My wife, she take everything. She leave me with nothing.
12:10Listen, your shift's in half an hour, but I came to tell you
12:13there's a Spanish fella downstairs looking for you.
12:16For me? What does he look like?
12:18Leather waistcoat, slick black hair, seemed quite aggressive.
12:22What did he say?
12:24He said he wants to see you and it's a matter of life and death.
12:27Madre mÃa.
12:29Come in, lads. I tell you, I think the fan has finally hit on the shit.
12:35Mate, mate, can we stop?
12:38Oh, not again. We're stopping every five minutes.
12:41No, Tag, you don't understand. This time I need the toilet.
12:44Oh, got him.
12:46Well, where is it?
12:48Where's what? The toilet.
12:52You go straight up this path and it's the first on your left.
12:56Cheers.
12:59Where are you going, you muppet? Just go anywhere?
13:02Oh, cool, yeah. Hang on a sec.
13:17What on earth do you think you're doing?
13:20Nothing major, bruv, just having a slash.
13:23Did you actually take the time to look at the place that you're fouling?
13:27I hate him, mate. He ain't a dog.
13:29I'm not your mate.
13:31Look, this is the memorial plaque of the late Antonio Guardes.
13:38The finest mountaineer in Spanish history.
13:40He can't be that great if he's late all the time.
13:43Well said, bruv. Thanks, Tag.
13:45I'll wait until you've washed your hands, mate.
13:47Fair point, bruv.
13:49It means he's dead.
13:51I will not have his memory soiled by a couple of exquisite yahoos.
13:56I am the tourist liaison officer to Benidorm,
13:59and the amount of obnoxious, loutish behaviour
14:02for which I have to apologise is insurmountable.
14:05Why can't you just behave, you people, for once?
14:09We're climbing a mountain. We ain't hurting anyone.
14:12Well, I'm reporting you.
14:14Who to? The piss police!
14:17Come, bruv, let's bounce. We got a mountain to climb.
14:21In it!
14:22Wait there. I want both of your names.
14:25Where are you going?
14:27I'm making a citizen's arrest.
14:29Come back here at once!
14:36That's him there.
14:38Hush, dear. It is him.
14:41You sure? You can't see his face?
14:43I do not need to see his face. This is my brother-in-law.
14:46People call him the Axeman.
14:49Why do they call him the Axeman?
14:51He was very excellent at the guitar.
14:53Oh!
14:54And once he killed a man with an axe.
14:57Bloody hell! But why is he after you?
15:00I brought shame on the family of my wife.
15:02This is why I moved to Madrid.
15:04I thought I could slip back to Benidorm and lie on the low,
15:07but someone must have done a dirty on me.
15:10You got anywhere to go?
15:12No, I do not.
15:14But I must accept,
15:16now that Maria's family have caught up with me,
15:19I can go on my life with the Rons.
15:21I think you mean on the run.
15:23Les, the man is an axe murderer.
15:26I know what I am saying.
15:38Listen, Sharon, I just wanted to say thank you.
15:42Oh, that's OK.
15:44You know, for finally coming to your senses.
15:47I know it's a bit childishly from time to time,
15:50but it's nice to see you decided to grow up a bit.
15:53I really appreciate it.
15:55You're welcome, Eddie.
15:57And you're happy with the condition?
15:59Well, I wouldn't say I'm happy,
16:01but I don't want to rock the boat.
16:04Not after ten o'clock, anyway.
16:12That's it. Nice one, Jodie.
16:14You'll be swimming in no time.
16:15Let go. I want to swim my own.
16:17Are you sure?
16:18Yeah.
16:23Hey, amazing.
16:25Don't go too far.
16:27She's a natural.
16:29Yeah.
16:31The fact that she's wearing so many inflatables
16:33it'd take a nuclear bomb to sink has nothing to do with it.
16:36Oh, can I get another lemonade?
16:38Yeah, sure.
16:40HE CHUCKLES
16:42You not on the beer like everyone else?
16:44No, I'm, um...
16:46Underage?
16:47Not a big drinker. I'm 23.
16:49Really? Don't look it.
16:51I say it's embarrassing,
16:53but my dad says I'll appreciate it in years to come.
16:56Cheers.
16:58So you're not on a big boozy Benidorm holiday, then?
17:00No, I can do that any time.
17:02I like spending time with my family.
17:04That's nice.
17:06And you got your little sister to look after?
17:08Yeah.
17:09As you know, my grandad keeps trying to kill her,
17:11so it keeps me on my toes.
17:15It's a joke.
17:17THEY CHUCKLE
17:19I didn't want to ask if she was your sister.
17:21Sounds nosy.
17:23Big age gap. She wasn't really planning,
17:25but sometimes life's little surprises
17:28turn out to be just what you're looking for.
17:34Hey, come back here, you!
17:39MUSIC PLAYS
17:59Brevian and Joey, do you know who that is?
18:02It's either Ferrari or David Beckham.
18:05Eh?
18:06My aftershave. I can't remember which one I put on.
18:09No, mate. I am talking about the sweet smell of success.
18:13Oh, that! Yes!
18:15Sweet as!
18:17THEY LAUGH
18:23Right.
18:28You've earned this.
18:32Is that all you've got?
18:34Sorry, man. They made me put back all the breakfast stuff.
18:52Water. I need water.
18:54Yeah, go on, have one as well.
18:56What do you mean, go on? You said you'd get the water.
18:59No, I don't. I was getting the food, you were getting the water.
19:02No, you said you were getting the food and supplies.
19:05Brev, I was supposed to get the food.
19:08I asked you to get the agwas in.
19:11Yeah, I got that.
19:17I got them from the chemist.
19:21Oh, my God.
19:22I assume they were mountain climbing pills or something.
19:25Stop talking. Joey, please, just...
19:28Stop talking. I need a little quiet time.
19:33Hang on. Look!
19:38Mate, we're really sorry about earlier, but we've got no water.
19:42Please, can we borrow some of yours?
19:44So you can urinate on another hero's tomb?
19:47Hardly think so.
19:48Please, sir, we'll do anything.
19:50Just one little drop of water.
19:52I've just done a whole bag of ready salted and I'm like...
19:55HE BELCHES
19:58Sorry, gentlemen, but if I help you now, you'll never learn, will you?
20:03Please, sir! Please, sir! Please!
20:08Good day.
20:11No!
20:28HE WHISTLES
20:38To the first day of the rest of your life.
20:41Well, I hope not.
20:43She had terrible cradle cap on the first day of her life.
20:48She looked like she'd been rubbed down with a yard brush.
20:53I don't mean that.
20:54No, it's a rebirth, a renaissance.
20:58You're not saying much, Pauline.
21:02That call I made in the taxi, it was to my sponsor.
21:07I didn't know you were being sponsored.
21:10Maybe we should have walked here.
21:13Not a sponsored walk.
21:15She's in a recovery programme.
21:17You're in a programme?
21:20They've not been filming us, have they?
21:24Oh, for God's sake!
21:26Is there any wonder I've been bulldozed into a relapse
21:29listening to this unremitting gibberish all day?
21:32I'm... I'm sorry, Pauline.
21:36You just get confused.
21:39No need to be sorry, ma'am.
21:41If anyone has an apology to make, then it's Pauline.
21:47As I was saying...
21:49..I've spoken to my sponsor and she agrees that I...
21:53..we should leave Benidorm.
21:56I've been reintroduced to my higher power
22:00and I would like you to know that I regret any harm
22:04or upset I may have caused and hope we can move on.
22:11I'm that proud of you, Pauline.
22:15Excellent philosophy.
22:17One I subscribe to myself, actually.
22:20Once the tide has gone out, that ship has sailed.
22:24To moving forward with all our lives.
22:37Hello, Geoff.
22:41Oh, Bella!
22:44Hello, love.
22:46Fancy seeing you, were you?
23:05Er, excuse me? Where are you going?
23:08Sorry, Miss Temple-Savage.
23:10Sorry, Miss Temple-Savage.
23:12I tried to find you, but I need to go to the doctors.
23:16Mateo!
23:20I have been lied to by men for most of my adult life.
23:25I can smell a rat a mile away.
23:28You can smell a rat one mile away?
23:30It's a saying.
23:31Do you want me to move the rat while I'm at the doctor?
23:34Get back to work.
23:36If you go out that door, consider yourself sacked.
23:39Do you understand that?
23:42Yes, Miss Temple-Savage.
23:45Put your badge on.
24:01Hey. Hey.
24:03Come on, bro.
24:05You're doing well.
24:07My mouth is so dry.
24:11Mate, I can't understand a word you're saying.
24:14My mouth.
24:16My mouth? What does that mean?
24:18My mouth.
24:20My mouth is so dry.
24:23Mate, I don't want to keep talking. My mouth is really dry.
24:32Oh, my God.
24:34There's a rucksack on the ground. It might have water in it.
24:40It's one of those water bottle things.
24:43Here you go, bruv. You first.
24:49OMG, that's better.
24:51There you go, mate.
24:53That's it, Ty. Get down, you bruv.
24:59Hello? Hello?
25:02Is anyone there? I'm down here.
25:05Help! Help!
25:09Oh, thank goodness. Salvation.
25:14Can you get my rope? It's in the rucksack.
25:17I think I may have broken my ankle.
25:20You see, the thing is, if we help you now,
25:23you'll never learn, will you?
25:25Right, come on, Joey.
25:27Hang on a minute, bruv.
25:29I've got water. I think I need another wee.
25:32Would you mind, bruv? Certainly.
25:37What? No!
25:41Jokes!
25:46MUSIC PLAYS
26:00You're in a good mood.
26:02Well, I've got the sun, good book, cold drink, music.
26:06What else do I need?
26:08I know why you're in a good mood.
26:10Oh, yeah? Go on, then.
26:12Because you were talking to that girl.
26:14Hey, go on, my son. Shut up.
26:17The girl at the bar? We were just talking.
26:21Her name's Amber. She likes you.
26:24How do you know her name? And how do you know she likes me?
26:28Because she's not daft.
26:30She takes after her mother, don't you, darling?
26:32Nice one, Robert, oh.
26:34Oh, can you all just shut up?
26:36Well, that's a relief. What is?
26:38We all thought you were a bit, er, lighting the loafers.
26:42Lighting me what?
26:43Well, all that reading, dyeing your hair, poncing about.
26:46I've never dyed me hair.
26:48You want to get in there like a rat up a drainpipe.
26:51Hang about and that greasy Spaniard she works with
26:54will be going through her like a dose of salt.
26:56Oh, do you mind?
26:58I'm squiring a young lady this evening. Maybe we could double date.
27:02Are you doing what to a young lady?
27:04I haven't got a date. Just leave me alone.
27:08Now look what you've done.
27:12Who are you going on a date with?
27:14That old trollop he was rubbing suncream into yesterday.
27:17I'm a single man, Sharon. I'll rub suncream into whoever I like.
27:21Right.
27:23Time to siphon the python.
27:25Then I'm going to get myself a bit of Dutch courage for tonight.
27:31You have told him about the condition of him staying with us, haven't you?
27:34Yes, of course I have.
27:49Are you feeling OK, mate?
27:51For the last time, I am not your mate.
27:53And no, I am far from OK.
27:55You imbeciles might as well have dragged me down the mountain by my rope.
27:59God knows the additional damage you've done to my ankle.
28:02Is this guy for real?
28:07Rapido. Rapido.
28:10Careful.
28:11Oh, mister, here you go. Take these.
28:14Why on earth would I take these?
28:16For the pain.
28:19Oh, animals. Disgusting animals.
28:22Careful. Careful. Cuidado.
28:25Poco a poco.
28:30Why was she laughing at me?
28:34Because it looked like you bought the Spanish version of Viagra, mate.
28:37What? You're joking me.
28:39Hope, I thought the guy in the chemist looked at me funny.
28:43I bought four boxes and said I was going up Brokeback Mountain with my best mate.
28:47Best mate.
28:54Cheers, pal.
28:59Honestly, he's not here and he won't be back any time soon.
29:02It's strange how this hotel seems to run without any staff at all.
29:05Look, I think the best thing to do is leave a contact number
29:08and if Matthew turns up, I'll get in touch, OK?
29:11Listen to me. I know he is here, OK?
29:15Mateo!
29:22Les, why did you not tell me my dear friend Julio is here to visit?
29:25But I thought you said...
29:27We work together in Madrid.
29:29It's good to see you, brother.
29:31So what brings you to Benidorm?
29:33I come to visit my mother in Albi.
29:36But I bring you sad news.
29:39Senora Ana Garcia, she has passed to the other side.
29:42Senora Garcia? No.
29:44My heart is breaking to hear this, Julio.
29:46Who's this then?
29:48Senora Garcia, she was a very old resident at the hotel in Madrid.
29:51A fine woman.
29:53The finest.
29:55She knew she was dying.
29:57She left cards for all the hotel staff.
30:00An amazing woman. Thank you, Julio.
30:02And don't lose it. There is 100 euros inside.
30:05She gave this to all the workers. A final tip.
30:08Ah, a generous woman.
30:10And how do you say? Insatiable.
30:15On Mondays and Tuesdays, we go to the cinema.
30:18Wednesday, to the bowling alley.
30:20Thursday, a classical music concert.
30:22And Fridays, we go to the ice rink.
30:25You certainly get around town.
30:27No. All of these things are in our home.
30:31You've got an ice rink in your house?
30:33Blah. Do not be silly, Geoffrey.
30:36It is in one of our outbuildings.
30:38Yeah, of course.
30:41It's good to see you happy, Yanella.
30:46Geoffrey, if only this were true.
30:50But you've got everything you ever wanted.
30:54A rich husband.
30:57Well, that's it. A rich husband.
31:00But I still do not have a family.
31:03A mother who loves me.
31:05A drunk, aggressive sister to protect me.
31:08I never said she was a drunk.
31:10I'm sorry. You're right. Those were not your words.
31:13You said raging alcoholic.
31:16Did I?
31:21These simple things you have,
31:23they are my heart's desire,
31:25more than any diamonds, limousines,
31:28surround sound 3D home cinema system
31:31with reclining ladder chairs.
31:33And an ice rink.
31:36But you could have all of these, Yanella.
31:40You could have all of these things.
31:42How?
31:44How can these things be mine, Geoffrey?
31:49Get on a plane with us tonight.
31:53What?
31:54Well, why not?
31:56It's worth a shot, isn't it?
31:59Look, I can see you're not happy.
32:02Why not take the chance?
32:05We don't have a bowling alley in our basement, Yanella.
32:09We don't even have a basement.
32:12We don't have a home cinema,
32:14but there's an audience just round the corner
32:16that does two for one on Wednesdays.
32:19What do you say?
32:22Geoff, I...
32:23You have to listen to your heart, Yanella.
32:26Not your head.
32:28Our flight leaves at ten o'clock tonight.
32:32Take the day to think about it.
32:35You know what I'll be.
33:08I do believe that that would only break my heart.
33:13Oh, if you feel like...
33:1617, 18, 18.50.
33:20Not really enough to go into Benidorm, mate.
33:23Looks like we're stuck in here for the rest of the holiday.
33:26I can't believe it, man.
33:28We climbed Brokeback Mountain and we have to celebrate in this place.
33:31Mate, how many times?
33:33Brokeback Mountain is not in Benidorm.
33:35Oh, right. Where is it?
33:37It ain't anywhere.
33:38Brokeback Mountain is a movie about two gay cowboys.
33:42What?
33:43For real.
33:44Well, I think one of them is gay,
33:46but the other one gets a bit jiggy with them in their tent.
33:49You've seen it?
33:51Mate, you got something you want to tell me?
33:54No.
33:55Don't be an idiot.
33:57Everybody's seen it.
33:59I ain't.
34:01Mate, I know you ain't gay,
34:03but if you were just a bit greedy, no problems, bruv.
34:06I got an uncle whose wife is Lebanese.
34:09Your uncle's wife is Lebanese?
34:11Yeah.
34:13So what?
34:14Exactly, man.
34:16That don't make her a bad person.
34:18This is 2014, bruv.
34:20It's 2015.
34:22Is it?
34:36Oh, yeah
34:41You're more than a number in my little red book
34:45And you're more than a one-night stand
34:48Yeah, it's a real shock to suddenly become single again at our age.
34:52Oh, you can say that again.
34:54It's been over six months,
34:56but I can't get used to waking up
34:59and not have that special someone to the left of me.
35:03Yeah.
35:04Or to the right of me.
35:08I've got to admit,
35:10Mary and I had separate beds for the last 38 years.
35:15How many years were you married?
35:1739.
35:19Aw.
35:20I used to like to go out to pub,
35:23whereas Mary were an hornbird.
35:25And I didn't want to wake her coming home stinking of booze.
35:29I always used to say,
35:31If I'm not in bed by midnight, I'm going home.
35:38Jacqueline, am I getting wrong signals here?
35:42It sounds like you and your late husband led quite a...
35:46an adventurous lifestyle.
35:48We were swingers.
35:50Did I not mention it?
35:52No.
35:54But I kind of got the impression.
35:56Did you and Mary not have much of a sex life?
36:01Don't go behind us. This is fascinating.
36:10Thank you very much. Please call again.
36:14Matteo, we need to talk about your living arrangements.
36:17You can arrange for me a bit of room.
36:19I'm afraid not.
36:20It's against company policy for staff to stay on the premises.
36:24I didn't mind you bedding down while you got settled,
36:27but I can't keep up your heavily discounted rate.
36:30I understand.
36:32You owe us 96 euros for your stay.
36:35But I'll take it out of your next paycheck.
36:38No, no problem. I have the money.
36:44What is this?
36:46100 euros. And I need my 4 euros change.
36:52Matteo, this isn't 100 euros.
36:56Oh, she gave me a cheque.
36:58OK, take the money from my salary.
37:00No, no, no. I mean it's a lot more than 100 euros.
37:05Hostia. 10,000 euros.
37:08Somebody obviously likes you.
37:11Señora GarcÃa.
37:13Who?
37:14She was a resident from the Hotel de Madrid.
37:19In English you say, Matteo.
37:22You were always my favourite.
37:24Your handsome face.
37:26Your kind, how do you say, service.
37:29And the best ass in all of Spain.
37:32If only I had been 30 years more young.
37:35Señora GarcÃa.
37:3630 years younger? How old was she?
37:39Maybe close to 100.
37:41But she still knew a good ass when she saw one.
37:55This place ain't so bad, mate.
37:57I might have to treat you to a bit of Ed Sheeran later.
38:00Oh, shit.
38:01All right. Easy, man. How about Flo Rida?
38:04No, look.
38:06Oh, my God.
38:08He must have got our fingerprints off his water thingy.
38:10Then got a lab to run it through his tourist computer.
38:13And then checked it with every hotel in Benidorm.
38:16Or he just looked at our wristbands.
38:18Evening, gentlemen.
38:20Hi, mate. You all right?
38:22Not really, no.
38:24I just spent the entire evening in hospital thanks to you two.
38:26Hang on. It ain't our fault you broke your ankle.
38:28No, it wasn't.
38:30But it was thanks to both of you that I made it to hospital.
38:32Yeah? Well, it ain't our fault if...
38:34Wait. That's a good thing, yeah?
38:36Indeed it is.
38:38Which is why I came here to say thank you.
38:40You see, in my job I tend to come across the bad behaviour of a few idiots.
38:45And rather forget that the vast majority of Brits who come to Benidorm
38:50are decent people enjoying a well-earned break.
38:53So I came here to thank you for reminding me of that fact.
38:57Oh, no worries.
38:59And also to tell you that I've nominated you both in the category of Local Hero
39:03for the Pride of Benidorm Awards on Friday night at the Benidorm Palace.
39:07Are you serious? Absolutely.
39:09I hope you can make it.
39:11I think I have a window in my diary.
39:13Joey? I haven't got a diary.
39:15Right. Well, it's 7.30 Friday.
39:18Benidorm Palace. Here's my card.
39:20If there's anything I can do for you, let me know.
39:22Oh, and if you present that to any British-owned bar in Benidorm before Saturday,
39:27it'll see you right for a couple of rounds of drinks for both of you.
39:30OK, chaps.
39:32Nice one!
39:34Oh, just remember to always drink crisp...
39:37Bons.
39:39Don't know why I bother.
39:48Come on over tonight
39:51Come on over tonight
39:59The wonderful Leroy Sea and his Motown memories.
40:03And now it's time to hear from your good selves.
40:05It's karaoke time.
40:07And the first greyhound out of the trap is Jacqueline.
40:11Where are you, Jacqueline?
40:18APPLAUSE
40:36Candlelight and soul forever
40:39Dream of you and me together
40:42Say you'll believe it
40:46Say you'll believe it
40:51Nice to see him happy.
40:53What are you talking about? He's always happy.
40:55It's all the people around him who have a problem enjoying themselves.
40:58I sometimes think that's all a bit of a front, you know.
41:01Really?
41:03Are you worried about him?
41:06Carry on, carry on
41:09Tonight is the night
41:12When two become one
41:15I need some love like I've never needed love before
41:19Wanna make love to you, baby
41:22No, you know what? I think he'll be all right.
41:25Thanks again for letting him come and stay.
41:27Just see how it goes for a bit, eh?
41:29That's all right, love. I'm surprised he agreed to it, to be honest.
41:32I'd want to live in a caravan on the front drive.
41:35I had a little love
41:37Now I'm back for more
41:39Wanna make love to you, baby
41:42Set your spirit free
41:45It's the only way to be
41:53Here you go.
41:55Cheers. Thanks.
41:57Listen, I was wondering
42:00if you'd like to go for a drink at some point.
42:02You know, one that's not all-inclusive.
42:04I work late most nights.
42:07So that means no?
42:09No, that means it would have to be a late drink.
42:11After 11 o'clock.
42:13Right. OK. Nice one.
42:16How about Friday?
42:18Our last day?
42:20Yeah. Cool. See you Friday.
42:22It's the only way to be
42:33Why don't you take all those extra clothes off now?
42:36And where am I going to put them?
42:38The bags have all been checked in.
42:41I knew that Spanish hand would tip us over.
42:44Sorry about that. A few last-minute gifts.
42:47Oh, Pauline, no.
42:49I thought that was all behind you.
42:53For the girls in the office.
42:55Oh, good lass.
42:58I think we're boarding.
43:01No sign of Rue Bella, no?
43:04No.
43:06I'm sorry, son.
43:09Well, it's her loss.
43:11Thanks, Pauline.
43:14Come on.
43:17I've got a plane to catch.
43:34Geoff!
43:36Geoffrey!
43:38Yanella!
43:45I can't believe you came.
43:47Of course I came.
43:49Where's your bag?
43:51I do not need a bag.
43:53No, you're right.
43:55Who cares about all that?
43:57It's just stuff, right?
43:59But you've rendered your passport.
44:01I do not need my passport.
44:03You're right.
44:05Who cares about...
44:07Actually, no, you definitely do need a passport.
44:10Geoffrey, I thought about what you said.
44:13About listening to my heart and not my head.
44:16I listened very carefully.
44:18And in the end, I chose my heart.
44:21And my heart tells me that I want to stay
44:25with my multi-millionaire Russian husband.
44:29With my multi-millionaire Russian husband.
44:33And, of course, my head agrees.
44:40So...
44:43Why did you come to the airport?
44:45To say goodbye.
44:47But we said goodbye in Albia.
44:51Did you have to run in so dramatically?
44:54I'm sorry.
44:57Goodbye, Geoffrey.
45:02Yeah.
45:04See you later.
45:06Rebella.
45:28Come on, son.
45:30Time to go home.
45:39She was too glamorous for you.
45:42Too pretty.
45:44And way too tall.
45:46You do realise you're saying all these things out loud, don't you?
46:27You do realise you're saying all these things out loud, don't you?