God, the Devil and Bob - 04 The Devil's Birthday
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00:00Hi, God here. So I was all set to destroy the world when I thought, hey, I'm not that
00:09kind of God. If just one soul could show me it's worth saving, I'd spare it. Being a
00:14sporting deity, I let the devil choose. So folks, meet your last chance for salvation.
00:20Wow, this is good beer. Oh boy. Well folks, I wouldn't make any long-term plans.
00:30Oh, what are you doing here? I had to get out of hell for a while. They're planning
00:49a big surprise party for my birthday. I think I'm getting a Lexus. Are you done with my
00:54paper? Sure. Check out Ty and Louis. It's getting good again. I can't live like this.
01:02Don't you walk away from me, young lady. Your wife won't let me go on a sleepover I planned
01:06for weeks. A sleepover at a boy's house with the parents out of town. That's just the
01:10way it worked out. We're not going to have sex, mother. Geez, that's all you ever think
01:14about. You're obsessed with sex. No, she isn't. She really isn't. Why do you have to defend
01:21her? I hate you too. You know, I'm going to go. This is my day and she's really bringing
01:26me down. Oh man, I asked for decaf. Now I'm going to be jumpy all morning. Too bad. Such
01:37a beautiful day. What is today anyway? It's something special. Is it Earth Day? No, no,
01:43it rhymes with Earth Day. Happy mm-mm-mm-mm. Happy mm-mm-mm-mm. Can you hand me a sugar pack?
01:51How old are you now? How old are you now? That's no good. Maybe if we folded up a napkin
01:57and- It's my birthday! Oh gee, I didn't realize. How could you forget? You've only known me
02:04since what, the beginning of time? I'm sorry. If I'd known, I would've sprung for your muffin.
02:10It's not a muffin, it's a scone! Come on, smeck, aren't you ready yet? Who's the impatient
02:17birthday boy? Sorry, it's just, nothing's been turning out like I expected today. I think
02:22you'll find it's all about to change. Ta-da! Happy birthday! Who's Helen? From accounting?
02:31Hers is actually Sunday, but since we were celebrating yours anyway- This is so great,
02:36Guys, thank you all. I know we're not a family, but sometimes it feels like a family.
02:42Get her out of here. Gee, sir, it's her party too. Get her out of here! Sorry, Helen.
02:47Oh sweetie, that's all right. The cake was delicious! Out! Everybody out! Great party! We're out of here.
02:59See you later. Bye.
03:29Some mornings don't feel very evil. But you get out of bed every day, whether you like it or not, and you destroy souls because that's your job!
03:38Excuse me, who's gonna sign for the moon bounce? I just thought we could, you know, never mind.
03:48Tell me that doesn't look like a 747. That's great, Dad. What's that, a fort? Yeah, Dad.
03:56You wanna get a sitter and go out Saturday night? Oh, I'm sorry, Helen, but I've got this bachelor party thing. I'd cancel, but Earl is such a dear friend.
04:06The invitation says Fred. Fred, of course. Dear, dear Fred. Okay, I'm ready to go on my sleepover! I said no, Megan!
04:15Which one of you is driving? We've been all through! Mother! You know it was a courtesy even asking you about this. This is my life and no one can tell me how to live it. I am 13 years old!
04:25Well, you make a convincing case for yourself, but the answer is still no. Unbelievable!
04:31Megan! You destroyed the Capitol building! Thank God they weren't in session.
04:40I just don't want you coming back from another bachelor party at 5am and getting into a fist fight with the paperboy. What are you talking about?
04:48Or standing on the hood of your car in your underwear singing that Kenny Loggins song from Top Gun.
04:53That's a bunch of bull. Just because I black out doesn't mean you get to make this stuff up.
04:58You want me to get the video, Bob? The tape proves nothing.
05:02No, let's just see.
05:05Right into the danger zone, danger zone!
05:11That could be anybody.
05:12Donna!
05:14There are a lot of women named Donna.
05:16Andy! Megan! Get in the house!
05:21Plenty of people have kids named Andy and Megan.
05:23Nobody touches Bob Allman!
05:28I think you owe me an apology.
05:31I have a message for your friend, Mr. Bigpants.
05:34Hey, I don't have time for this.
05:36Tell him he can have the world.
05:37I'm through with it. I'm done. I'm leaving and I'm taking all the evil with me.
05:41Fine. Who cares? The world will be better off without you.
05:45Oh, you think so?
05:47You think so.
05:48A world without evil. Let's just see how you like that.
05:59Drama queen.
06:01You know what? I'm going to that bachelor party.
06:04And I don't want to hear another word about it.
06:06Okie dokie.
06:07And I'm...
06:08What? What are you doing?
06:10Ironing your shirt for the bachelor party tomorrow, silly.
06:13You don't mind me going?
06:15Of course not, hon bun.
06:16Daddy?
06:17Megan, we have been over and over this, you can't...
06:20I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.
06:22Good night, daddy.
06:24Good night, mommy.
06:26Good night, sweetie.
06:28Oh, I almost went to bed without hugging Andy.
06:30I hope the little Dickens is still awake.
06:34What the hell's going on around here?
06:43What the hell's going on?
07:13Hi Bob.
07:15God, you've got to do something.
07:17When the devil said that he was going to take evil out of the world,
07:19I thought it would be a good thing, but this is crazy.
07:21Oh, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
07:23He'll probably just sulk for a few days.
07:26It'll be a nice break from the bad.
07:28I'm sure you'll be able to handle it.
07:30I'll try.
07:31I'm sure you'll be able to handle it.
07:33It's going to be a nice break from the bad.
07:35I'm sure you'll be able to handle it.
07:37I'll try.
07:38I'm sure you'll be able to handle it.
07:39I'm sure you'll be able to handle it.
07:42I'll try.
07:43I'll try.
07:44I'll try.
07:45I'll try.
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10:07J'ai pursutement demandé de trouver Marthe Stuart.
10:10Mais attends, elle se trouve sur la vitesse.
10:18Merci Dieu !
10:21C'est mieux que jamais !
10:23Vous savez pourquoi vous êtes venu !
10:27Onац laowaut pour Fred's parents !
10:31On va donner à Fred de l'aidé pour se marier de son 40 ère aujourd'hui.
10:35What? No stripper?
10:37Well, that'd be rude.
10:39The guy's getting married tomorrow.
10:41And the most important rule,
10:43never go to bed angry.
10:49You are a genius, Martha.
10:51I would have just thrown those entrails away.
10:53They make a lovely addition to any chamber of horrors.
10:55To any chamber of horrors.
10:57Now, I've had a chance to look around,
10:59and no offense, but...
11:01No, be brutal. I'm so tired of this look.
11:03Well, now, you've done a lot of good work here.
11:05The problem is, it's all over the place.
11:07We need to unify the suffering.
11:09Make it flow.
11:11Have you thought about using your fires of anguish
11:13to light your caves of despair?
11:15You know I never did.
11:17I suggested that two years ago.
11:19She's not that good.
11:21Who's this?
11:23I'm nobody.
11:25Try to remember that.
11:27Now, let's get started.
11:29First, we need to lose the whole chamber thing.
11:31They're gone.
11:33Of course, I'll have to bring in my own people.
11:35No problem. You can replace anyone you like,
11:37but let's remember who's boss here.
11:39I am the devil, you know.
11:41I didn't realize this was going to be a tug of war.
11:43Well, I was just...
11:45I can work here.
11:47But, you see, that's...
11:49Okay.
11:55For God?
11:57What are you doing here?
11:59Well, little baby.
12:01The devil?
12:03Who else? I never should have let him leave like that.
12:05It's upset the whole system.
12:07Tell me about it.
12:09I mean, a bachelor party with no beer or naked women.
12:11That's just wrong.
12:13I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing.
12:15What are you talking about?
12:17The spiritual growth of humanity.
12:19Well, isn't that just a fancy way of saying the same thing
12:21that I was saying? Be honest.
12:23Human beings have to grapple with good and evil
12:25for their decisions to have weight.
12:27Well, being good is meaningless.
12:29It's like when the Houston Rockets won the championship
12:31when Jordan was off playing baseball.
12:33Big whoop.
12:35You know what? I've had enough of this.
12:37It's time someone told him to get over this stupid birthday thing
12:39and grow up.
12:41To knock off the sulk and get his butt back to work
12:43before I...
12:45Are you getting this down?
12:47Me?
12:49Well, I'm not going down there.
12:51Oh, but gee. I mean, I don't know that I'm all that comfortable
12:53with the idea of going to hell.
12:55Oh, for Pete's sake. You've been to Branson, Missouri.
12:57It's not that different.
12:59But how will I get there?
13:01Oh, that's easy. Bob, go to hell.
13:07Excuse me.
13:09Is this hell?
13:11You know, I never really asked.
13:13But you have to assume.
13:21It's about time. Put them over there.
13:23My swatches. Aren't you the delivery boy?
13:25Uh, no.
13:27Then what good are you? What good are any of you?
13:29Must I do everything myself?
13:39Over here.
13:41What's going on?
13:43She's taken over. It's horrible.
13:45Is that a pantsuit?
13:47Don't ask.
13:49Well, where's the devil?
13:51In his hobby room.
13:53I hate for you to see him like this.
13:57Lucifer?
13:59Oh, hello.
14:01Nice to see you, Bob.
14:03Sorry I'm not up to entertaining,
14:05but I don't get many visitors these days.
14:07What do you think?
14:11It's awful.
14:13Really? You think so?
14:15Smacks said it was fantastic.
14:17You must be wrong, Bob.
14:19I'm here to get you to come back.
14:21Really?
14:23Yeah. God said that you should quit sulking
14:25and get back to work.
14:27This is my work.
14:29Exploring the world of the sad clown.
14:31You see the irony, don't you?
14:33A clown who's sad?
14:35Oh, yeah.
14:37We picked up on that.
14:39I think what Bob is saying
14:41is that God really misses you,
14:43and he's really sorry,
14:45and he needs you desperately.
14:47Should I?
14:49I mean, one wants to do what one can.
14:51It seems ungracious not to hear him out.
14:53Where does he want to meet?
14:55Uh, I...
14:57I'm having a barbecue.
14:59Oh, great.
15:01Should I bring anything?
15:03No.
15:05Well, people always say that.
15:07Then you show up and everyone else has brought something
15:09and you feel like a schmuck.
15:11All right, bring some wine.
15:14Honey, I need you to make a bunch of things for a barbecue pronto.
15:17I'll get right on it.
15:19Then I want you to take the kids down to the basement
15:21for the rest of the day.
15:23You bet, hon.
15:25Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
15:27Scattergories!
15:29Mom, the radio said they're doing a
15:31Hug Across America today.
15:33Can we be part of it?
15:35Even better. As soon as I'm done helping your father,
15:37we'll go!
15:39Hooray!
15:41Honey, later tonight, can we have sex?
15:44Well, okay.
15:46Since you ask so nice.
15:48And by sex, of course,
15:50I mean clean, healthy lovemaking.
15:52Staring deeply into each other's eyes for hours
15:54and meditating on the gift of procreation.
15:57You know what?
15:59Maybe not.
16:05Hello!
16:07Round back!
16:09Oh, what's all this?
16:11I thought we could have a barbecue.
16:13Did you talk to him? What did he say?
16:15Yoo-hoo! Something smells good.
16:18You didn't tell me he was coming here.
16:20I hope you like chardonnay.
16:22I didn't know if you were having chicken or beef.
16:24Oh, hello.
16:26Hi.
16:28So, I hope you guys brought your appetites.
16:30We've got quite a...
16:31Bob said you had something to tell me.
16:33No. No, I told Bob everything I wanted to say to you.
16:36Bob, what's going on?
16:38I thought you said...
16:39You know what? Let's do...
16:41Let's play a round of croquet, huh?
16:43Never knew a problem that couldn't be solved
16:45with a friendly round of croquet.
16:47Croquet?
16:48Come on! We're all a little tense.
16:50I think it'll relax us.
16:52What do you say, Lucifer?
16:54I don't know. I came this far.
16:56I guess I'm willing if he is.
16:58That's the spirit.
17:00God, I think the devil's made a gesture.
17:04All right, I'll play croquet.
17:06Ok.
17:07I'll set up the wickets.
17:08I'm blue.
17:09I wanted blue.
17:10Blue's my color.
17:11Says who?
17:12I'm always blue.
17:13Well, we certainly don't want to disappoint you, do we?
17:15I called it. You can be red.
17:17Ok, I made a gesture. Have you made a gesture yet?
17:19All right. I'm blue.
17:20God, you're green.
17:21Lucifer, you're yellow.
17:22Now, I don't want to hear another word about it.
17:24Yellow.
17:25Green.
17:29Listen up, people.
17:30I just received word that the hug has crossed the continental divide
17:34and is traveling towards us at the speed of love.
17:43Please. I'm supposed to believe he forgot my birthday?
17:46He's omniscient.
17:47He makes a good point.
17:49Wait a second.
17:50What's omniscient?
17:51All-knowing.
17:52Yeah. Yeah, he makes a good point.
17:55God, you know what?
17:57I was set up here. I never agreed to this meeting.
18:00Ok, God. God.
18:02I'm feeling a lot of anger coming from you.
18:05And it's not the first time. He forgets every year.
18:08Oh, I do not.
18:09Yes, you do. Every year. Ever since... since...
18:12Since when? Come on, get it out.
18:14Since he threw me out of heaven.
18:16That has nothing to do with it.
18:17Boy, it sure feels like it does.
18:19You really don't want to piss me off, Bob.
18:22Ok, you're scaring me, but I think we're getting close to something real here.
18:26Back off.
18:27You know, they say anger is the insulation we wrap around pain.
18:32Oh, I like that.
18:33Anger? I'm not angry.
18:35You knocked his croquet ball through the Henderson's tool shed.
18:39What? Now I can't play to win?
18:41I'm sensing this goes back a while.
18:43I don't know what you're talking about.
18:44He threw me out of heaven!
18:45You were trying to take over.
18:47You were trying to destroy me and take all of heaven down with you.
18:50Lucifer, is that how you remember it?
18:52I guess.
18:53Hey, I was a kid.
18:55Let me tell you something.
18:56It was hard growing up in his shadow,
18:58knowing I could be good, but I'd never be good enough.
19:01Mm-hmm. And how did that make you feel?
19:05Well, pretty bad.
19:07Mm-hmm. You think maybe that's why you turned to evil?
19:11Because you could never live up to your father's goodness?
19:14Oh, wow. I think... I think you're right.
19:19That and... I really like evil.
19:23Dieu, est-ce possible que tu bloques son anniversaire
19:26parce que ça te rappelle de ce qu'il était pour toi?
19:32Il était mon meilleur ange.
19:35Mon lumière brillante.
19:37Mais tu ne me l'as jamais dit.
19:39Eh bien, je crois qu'il te le dit maintenant.
19:42Bon anniversaire, Lucifer.
19:44Merci.
19:45Oh, mon dieu.
19:48J'ai l'impression que mon poids a été élevé.
19:51Moi aussi. J'ai l'impression.
19:53Oui, je crois que nous tous.
19:55Comment as-tu pu être si bon, Bob?
19:57La thérapie a été ordonnée par le court
19:59en raison d'une violation d'un conteneur ouvert.
20:01Eh bien, je pense qu'on a appris beaucoup aujourd'hui.
20:03On a appris à respecter l'un l'autre.
20:05On a appris à être patient.
20:06Certains d'entre nous ont appris la définition de l'omniscient.
20:09Et on a appris qu'il n'y a pas de shame
20:10dans l'admettre que vous deux vous avez besoin de l'autre.
20:12Maintenant, pouvons-nous boire à ça?
20:14A l'amour.
20:15A l'evil.
20:21A l'amour.
20:27Hey!
20:28Bordel!
20:29Sors de ma mère!
20:31T'es un salaud!
20:39Ça a été vraiment bien, Bob.
20:41Nous devrions le faire encore une fois.
20:42Oui, absolument.
20:44Les matins de dimanche sont toujours bons pour moi.
20:47Wow!
20:48Où allez-vous deux?
20:49Vous voulez me laisser avec cette merde?
20:51C'était son faute.
20:52Moi? Vous avez poussé sur la table de pique-nique.
20:54Qui a tiré dans l'arbre?
20:56Je m'en fiche de qui a fait quoi à qui.
20:57Si vous ne vous nettoyez pas, vous n'obtenez pas de pain.
21:00Et c'est de l'apple française.
21:02Avec la crème crumblée?
21:04Et de la crème d'acier.
21:05D'accord, je vais le faire.
21:07Vous pouvez tenir le sac.
21:08Je ne veux pas tenir le sac.
21:09C'est démeurant.
21:10Regarde, je l'ai déjà fait.
21:12Ne me fais pas sortir d'ici!
21:15Maintenant, il est encore fou.
21:49Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada