Tickle (2013) Season 1 Episode 9: White Lightning Fast
Tickle (2013) Season 1 Episode 9: White Lightning Fast
With his shine and money dwindling, Tickle needs some cash. A local auto race is offering a cash price so the guys sink their remaining capital into a race-car. Tickle's old partner, Tim, shows up with a better car and a burning need to beat Tickle.
#tickle #moonshiner
With his shine and money dwindling, Tickle needs some cash. A local auto race is offering a cash price so the guys sink their remaining capital into a race-car. Tickle's old partner, Tim, shows up with a better car and a burning need to beat Tickle.
#tickle #moonshiner
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TVTranscript
00:00I think all women are gentile creatures.
00:03No matter what advantage you think you've got over your competition,
00:06there's gonna be a lot of people out there just waiting for you to choke.
00:10And some of them won't even bother waiting.
00:16Is that your car back there?
00:17No.
00:18Certain that his moonshine's original owner is closing in on him...
00:22I ain't got enough to pay for all the shine plus the interest.
00:25...Tickle's been trying to raise some apology money through new businesses.
00:29Nobody's business is yours, delivery and freight.
00:31But he couldn't keep any of them afloat.
00:33Oh, you're the bus guy.
00:36Now, Tickle's back to square one with a little less time and a lot less hope.
00:41Megan, we've got to do something.
00:43This store's got to start making a little money.
00:46Okay, so any thoughts?
00:49I originally hired Megan to make this place look legit,
00:52but that's not gonna cut it anymore.
00:53I'm willing to try every trick in the book to make money,
00:56even something you can only do once.
01:00The only thing I got is we can always put the letters out there that spell toilet
01:04and maybe people will come in to use the bathroom and buy something.
01:07Well, I'd rather not have a store full of people going to the bathroom.
01:11Well, yeah, that could probably be bad, especially, you know,
01:14there is a Mexican restaurant right down the road.
01:17Anyway, I'll try to come up with something.
01:20You just usually aren't fond of my ideas.
01:23Ain't no man gonna shop in no pink store.
01:26You are being rude.
01:27This is my store, and it's not gonna be pink.
01:30Just don't decorate, and I'm sure we'll be all right.
01:32If Tickle even thinks about complaining as much as he did the last time I tried to help,
01:37I'll ruin a lot more than his car.
01:39No decorating, got it.
01:42Well, gentlemen, our situation has not improved.
01:45What do you mean by that?
01:47It's getting critical now.
01:49We're running out of shine.
01:50It's dissipating.
01:51Yeah, and no money to show for it.
01:54We had about five times as much shine as this when we started.
01:57There's more liquor here than we could drink in a lifetime.
02:00Speaking of which, I don't know.
02:02If that guy catches up to us, we'll be in big trouble.
02:05I don't think so.
02:08Speaking of which, I don't know.
02:10If that guy catches up to us, and I owe you, just ain't gonna cut it.
02:13Where's all this s*** going, man?
02:14That's a good question. I'd like to know, too.
02:17Right.
02:28All I know is, look, what do we got here? 200 gallons?
02:31Probably, I'd say.
02:33200 gallons, all right.
02:35$90 a gallon.
02:36I mean, what does that mean we're looking at now?
02:40You got, what, nine times two, that's 18.
02:43Yeah, a couple zeros.
02:451,800.
02:46No, it's got to be more money than that.
02:48I mean, look, anyway.
02:50That's about $18,000.
02:52That's a whole lot of damn money.
02:54Dang s***.
02:55If this guy shows up, we're supposed to have some money
02:58to keep our asses from winding up dead.
03:02Gentlemen, we are now at DEFCON 5.
03:05DEFCON, huh?
03:06DEFCON, I can hear him just fine.
03:08What?
03:09Tickle doesn't know what he's talking about.
03:11DEFCON 5, it's actually the safest of the DEFCONs.
03:14I think we're overacting.
03:16I think we're overacting.
03:17We're gonna end up dead if we don't start bringing in some money.
03:19We need to get out of here.
03:21Look, regardless, I'm not trying to get my wig split, man.
03:23Look, we got to figure out what we're gonna do to make more money and make it fast.
03:27We need to go to the conference room and think about this.
03:30How's it going?
03:31Hey, hey.
03:32You hear a lot of bad stuff in the news about big companies outsourcing jobs,
03:36but I think outsourcing our conference room to the local bar
03:39is the damn best decision we've made so far.
03:41We got to come up with something, man.
03:43We got to eat first, buddy.
03:44You know how a fat boy loves his food.
03:46I do, I do.
03:48Why don't you do an eating contest or something?
03:51You seem to be putting these wings away pretty good.
03:53Food and I have always had a very special relationship.
03:55Of course, we've had some hard times, too.
03:57And the contestants are really eating up those testicles today.
04:01Wait.
04:02What?
04:03I don't know about that fellow.
04:05New waitress over there, eh?
04:08Oh, Nasty Nat.
04:10I ain't seen her before.
04:11You don't know her?
04:12No.
04:13She's something else, let me tell you.
04:15She's got a standing challenge.
04:17Any man that can beat her in a cage match, she'll give you $3,000.
04:20What?
04:21You know, look.
04:23Y'all boys don't want to get in that daggone.
04:25Turns out Miss Nasty Nat does not like it when someone asks her to pick up the check.
04:31Damn.
04:33Worst first date ever.
04:35You just know how to talk to a lady.
04:37That's all it is, man.
04:39I'm going to tell you what.
04:40You use your little suave approach on them and see what happens.
04:43Let me just say.
04:45Hey.
04:46Hey, how are you doing today?
04:47I'm good.
04:48How are you?
04:49Yeah, I see you're new here.
04:50Yes, I am.
04:51Yeah.
04:52I hear you got a challenge out that no man can beat you.
04:55That is correct.
04:56Well, it's just not possible.
04:58It's just the way it goes.
05:00So you honestly don't think that a woman of my size can hurt you?
05:07I think all women are gentile creatures.
05:10Really?
05:13Really?
05:14I tell you.
05:15Oh, I hear their voices changing.
05:16Does that mean I'm hurting you?
05:19Tickle's always been good at finding the toughest woman in the room and then pissing her off.
05:23I mean, how do you think he met Dana?
05:26Tickle's never been very good with the ladies, and I've never been very good at hiding my disgust for birds.
05:31But that's a story for another day.
05:33You must be the bird lady.
05:35How did you guess?
05:37The bird lady is a local legend around Gretna.
05:40So I thought maybe her and her feathered friends could help get people in the store.
05:43This is General.
05:45He's a military macaw.
05:46This is Scooter.
05:47He is a cockatoo.
05:49You can handle Scooter, but General's a little bit more of just a looking pretty bird.
05:56Which is short for looking pretty disgusting.
05:59I hate birds.
06:01He's definitely beautiful.
06:02He is a pretty boy.
06:03Look at that.
06:04We're doing flips.
06:05And they'll say hello and talk.
06:07I think this is definitely going to be something that the customers are going to like.
06:11I mean, if I came in the door and that was right there, I would be interested.
06:17That is awesome.
06:19If you bring in customers for me, I will give you a box of crackers.
06:22For three boxes, they'd kill a man.
06:24And you don't even want to know what they'd do for four.
06:27Did I mention I hate birds?
06:30Look at this, boys.
06:31Problem solved.
06:33What the hell you done brought back to here, man?
06:35Money in the bank.
06:36A race.
06:37Firebrand.
06:39I got this.
06:40One thing I do is I go fast.
06:42I don't see why you can't win this thing, brother.
06:44I don't weigh much, man.
06:45I don't like the car being empty going around the track, man.
06:47We can call old Levi, man.
06:48We can make something happen.
06:49He had some cars sitting around down there I seen last time.
06:52Some old Monte Carlos, man.
06:53I'd put a few bells and whistles on that dude, man.
06:56It'd soup up a little bit.
06:57Yeah.
06:59You know, some say the term bells and whistles comes from the noise makers that you leave in coffins to keep you from getting buried alive.
07:08Uncle Harry, you might still be with us.
07:10This is the way you get ahead right here, man.
07:12Quick money.
07:13Like this, we ain't got to invest a whole lot.
07:15I guess I'll see you boys at the race.
07:19All right.
07:21If she's in the race, you're definitely going to win.
07:23Exactly.
07:24Look, man, she outweighs me.
07:25That's my weight in the car.
07:26Yep.
07:27I'm just going to go faster.
07:28It's that simple.
07:29You got to go faster to win the race.
07:30I tell you what, we'll fuss in your corner and we'll make sure.
07:33Win the race by going faster.
07:35Seems foolproof, but we're not dealing with just ordinary fools.
07:40Tickle's entering the big race to combine the need for speed with his desperate need for money.
07:45One thing I do is I go fast.
07:47But first, he'll need to find a car at Gretna's Premier Auto Distributor.
07:54This old Mustang here.
07:55That's a good old car, ain't it?
07:59Hey, Levi.
08:01Hey, hey.
08:02How y'all doing today?
08:03I was wondering if we could come take a look around.
08:05We're kind of in the market for old cars.
08:07Yeah, come on in.
08:08You can find almost anything at Levi's Junkyard.
08:11It's the Bermuda Triangle of Gretna.
08:13Old wrecks just appear here.
08:15Oh, s***.
08:16Look at the gremlin, boy.
08:18There you go.
08:19Ain't what we're looking for.
08:20It's beat out of heaven.
08:21That's a cool old car.
08:22But we ain't got time to do all that.
08:24Nah.
08:25He definitely got all kinds of cars around here.
08:28I'll tell you what else he's got around here.
08:30Snakes.
08:31Why'd it have to be snakes?
08:33Snakes.
08:34Why'd it have to be snakes?
08:38Man, we could spend days down here, man.
08:40I expect you right.
08:42Hey, Levi.
08:44Yeah.
08:45Hey, what's up?
08:46What are you doing, man?
08:47Y'all find anything you're looking for?
08:49We couldn't locate much, bud.
08:51We're looking for something that runs.
08:53Oh, I thought y'all was looking for some junk.
08:55I figured they'd actually want a car that would run,
08:58but I just want company for a while.
09:00I got a little car out here that runs.
09:02Maybe we walk out and look at it.
09:03All right, cool.
09:04Let's see that.
09:05I'm fine, but the dog gets lonely.
09:07While Levi's jungle may be full of snakes,
09:10it's better than what's waiting back at the store.
09:13Oh, I heard you had the birds out here.
09:15They're real nice.
09:16Hey, pretty boy.
09:18Yeah.
09:19It would help if the birds knew how to stay by something
09:21instead of just crack her.
09:23Can I help you with anything?
09:24Well, I was looking for a couple of fishing rods.
09:26Came to the right place.
09:28Wow.
09:29General will help you out.
09:30Hold on, General.
09:33They're pretty nice.
09:34Everything looks nice when it's standing next to a flying rat.
09:38Would you take 40 for both of them?
09:41Sure, why not?
09:42I've always been against big, dumb animals
09:44trying to sell our products.
09:46Little heavy.
09:47That was only because Howard's stale figures were so low.
09:51Bye.
09:54Here we go.
09:55Hey.
09:58What do you think about that one?
09:59Well, shoot, that's a decent little car.
10:01It's got a couple little quirks.
10:02Brakes stick on it sometime,
10:04and sometime you can't get it in second.
10:06Well, shoot, man.
10:07Well, that's exactly what we're looking for.
10:09As long as the money's right.
10:11That's what I'm talking about.
10:13Money's got to be right on it.
10:15Y'all want to try it out?
10:16I guess so.
10:17Why not?
10:20All right, Levi, we'll be right back, buddy.
10:22Thank you, man.
10:24If we're going to put all our hopes in this car,
10:26we've got to be real thorough and test it.
10:28Be real thorough and test everything.
10:30Yeah!
10:39Yeah, buddy!
10:47That's it right there.
10:48Hey, she's pretty solid, eh?
10:50Oh, man.
10:54What do you think?
10:55I think we've got a race car, bro.
10:56Oh, yeah.
10:58And that is how you test a car.
11:00Think I'll take it.
11:01All right, appreciate it.
11:03One quick tune-up,
11:04and this bad boy will be ready for the winter circuit.
11:06For just one easy payment of all the money he had left,
11:10Tickle got himself a race car.
11:12It'll make a great getaway car for when all of this fails.
11:16Hey, Mexican.
11:17What are birds doing in the storm?
11:19Making sails.
11:20What kind of stuff are you selling?
11:22Well, my top salesman right there
11:24sold both of those fishing rods.
11:26After one sale,
11:27he was tied with Howard for top salesman.
11:30What happened to the tiller?
11:31Sold.
11:32You sold the tiller?
11:33Sold the tiller.
11:34That's great.
11:35Don't you want to try on now?
11:36Yeah, how are you doing there, buddy?
11:38See?
11:39Hey!
11:40The customers love it.
11:41That's great.
11:42They've heard about the birds
11:43and want to come check them out.
11:44Want to come check them out?
11:45He's going to check you out.
11:46Check me out.
11:47Yeah.
11:48I've always thought of birds as flying disease bags,
11:51but if it brings us some business,
11:53bring on the disease bags.
11:55Whatever the birds are doing,
11:56I want more of it, you know?
11:57Okay.
11:58Oh, look, and I've got a few things
11:59to do in the back.
12:00All right.
12:01Come here, bud.
12:02You keep our salesman here.
12:03Yep, we got him.
12:04All right.
12:05Bye-bye.
12:06Bye.
12:07Bye.
12:08Keep selling.
12:09Bye.
12:10We'll see y'all.
12:11All right, take care.
12:12You got more birds?
12:13Yes, we got more birds.
12:14Time to ramp it up.
12:15Yep.
12:16While Megan turns the store
12:17into a vermin refuge...
12:19Let's see what we got going on here.
12:21...Tickle and Moe are trying to turn their lemon
12:23into a much faster lemon.
12:25Real quick old easy install.
12:27Yeah.
12:28Ain't much to it.
12:29Fellas!
12:30It's Howard.
12:31What's happening?
12:32What's up?
12:33I was hoping we could get this done
12:35before Howard showed up.
12:36It ain't pretty when he tries to help.
12:38Chris, what are you doing, man?
12:39Don't use the legs.
12:40It's all on your back, brother.
12:41All right.
12:42But you're doing a good job, man.
12:43Ugh!
12:44Oh, ----!
12:45You ready to even get under that?
12:49I don't know.
12:50It's gonna be tight.
12:51Get on back there, cousin.
12:52You got this.
12:53Suck in your belly.
12:54Is she tight?
12:55Yep.
12:56Second gear all day,
12:57sliding right in it.
12:58All right, boys.
12:59That's fixed.
13:00What are we gonna call this thing?
13:02You know, the car gotta have a name, you know?
13:04Tickle's Tickler?
13:05No, no.
13:06I don't like that.
13:07It's gotta have something
13:08to do with tickle, man.
13:09It's you driving this, Jewel.
13:10I got it.
13:11Yeah.
13:12It's a General T.
13:13Hands down.
13:14That's it.
13:15That's it?
13:16That's got to be it.
13:17That's it?
13:18Yes, sir.
13:19We got this car running nice and smooth now.
13:21I guarantee it's gonna be fast out there tomorrow.
13:23All right, let's summit you up, Bo.
13:25All right.
13:30Yeah!
13:33Nice.
13:34Yeah!
13:36Sounds good.
13:37We got this.
13:38The boys put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears
13:40into that car.
13:41There shouldn't have been any tears,
13:43but Howard cries when he sees blood.
13:51I learned driving a damn cow field.
13:53Uncle Rod threw that Jewel in granny gear
13:55and told me to take off.
13:56I never was fortunate enough to learn how to drive
13:58like I had to do it the old-fashioned way.
14:00He stole it.
14:01You know, you see Mo show up at school
14:02on a damn motorcycle.
14:03I'm like, what in the world?
14:04Where'd you get that?
14:05I'm gonna get in trouble.
14:07Your mama gonna call you up and be like, boy.
14:10You took that bike.
14:11I'm coming over to whoop your ass, man.
14:14Just drive it like you stole it.
14:17We're supposed to have some money
14:19to keep our asses from winding up dead.
14:21Desperate for cash, a $5,000 prize
14:24has got Tickle risking his savings on the big race.
14:27That's fixed.
14:28Nice.
14:29Yeah!
14:30All the prize money in the world
14:32wouldn't get me near Tickle's newest employees.
14:39Frankie, are you sure this is a good idea?
14:42This seems like a lot of birds.
14:45You know how people always say
14:47something awful is for the birds?
14:49Well, now I know why.
14:51Finally, somebody gets it.
14:53Megan, um...
14:55What?
14:57What the hell is this?
14:59I know.
15:00It's gotten out of hand.
15:02There's bird crap all over everything in the store.
15:05I know. Watch your step.
15:07Watch my step?
15:08Where do you step, Megan?
15:09Well, I mean, you said to do more,
15:11so I thought maybe more, but it just...
15:14No, see, look.
15:15Here's where I draw the line at right here, Megan.
15:18Winston is covered in crap.
15:19It will wipe off.
15:21But this is our mascot.
15:23It's all gonna get cleaned.
15:25It better get cleaned up, Megan.
15:27This is not acceptable for a store.
15:29I know, but on the bright side, look.
15:31We have been selling stuff.
15:33Well, you know what?
15:34I mean, this is good.
15:35Money's great.
15:36Money is the only thing staying.
15:37All these birds, they got to go,
15:39and this has got to get cleaned up,
15:40and I mean, it's got to happen quick.
15:42Don't let the birds out when you leave.
15:44Ah.
15:47The big day is finally here,
15:49and all of Gretna has turned out to see the race.
15:52Did I mention that Gretna was a small town?
15:59General T, baby.
16:00General T, that's right.
16:02You put as much energy into winning this race
16:04as I did on painting this job right here?
16:06Yeah.
16:07It's a surefire win.
16:08No way that General T is losing to any of these other cars.
16:10I love the number, man.
16:11I do, too.
16:12I love it.
16:13Hell, none of them even rank as a sergeant.
16:14Yeah, there ain't no competition here, man.
16:16I mean, really.
16:17Who all we got up here?
16:18Look, that's old nasty Nat right there.
16:20That's old heavy Chevy.
16:21Boy, what the hell's the gold car?
16:23I don't know, man.
16:24That's the pace car, isn't it?
16:25That ain't no...
16:26They ain't got the pace car hood up.
16:27Who the hell is it?
16:28I don't know who that is.
16:31It's Toms.
16:32What is he doing down here?
16:33Removable steering wheel and all that.
16:35Oh, my...
16:36Boys, we're coming in second.
16:37We ain't come here to finish second, man.
16:39That ain't even $2,000 for second place.
16:41We just spent $15,000 on the car, man.
16:43I know it.
16:44We're screwed.
16:45Legend has it Tim traded all his shirts
16:47for unbeatable racing skills.
16:49Surprise, surprise, huh?
16:51What's going on, man?
16:52I didn't really have a little race today.
16:54Yeah?
16:55I thought maybe we'd just bring something out to the game.
16:57I mean, is that thing legal for this race?
16:59I mean...
17:00Oh, yeah.
17:01It's a race car.
17:02Man, we thought it was a pace car.
17:04This is street legal stuff here.
17:05Well, I mean, it could be a pace car.
17:07It could be a pace car.
17:08It'll be in front of you, anyway.
17:09That's the General T.
17:10Don't let looks fool you, man.
17:12The thing is fast.
17:13Well, you may as well just take it on to the salvage yard
17:15because it's probably going to be ready for the salvage yard
17:17at the end of the race.
17:18Oh, no.
17:19Tim's the absolute worst at trash-talking.
17:21Even my grandmother can do better than that.
17:23It's a beautiful day for a race.
17:25The drivers are just finishing up their warm-up lap.
17:28With $5,000 on the line,
17:31we've got a lot of rookies out here today.
17:33That's it.
17:34That's what I'm talking about.
17:37I'm going to race your ass.
17:39They're rounding the final corner into the starting line.
17:45And they're off.
17:54Whoa, Tickle!
17:56Tickle and Tim are fighting for the lead.
18:03Holy s***, man.
18:04If I didn't know better,
18:05I'd think these guys have some kind of personal history.
18:08Yeah, man.
18:09Come on, Tickle. Man, do this.
18:11Yeah, man. Pick it up.
18:12Make it past, babe.
18:13Come on, boy.
18:14That's it. That's it.
18:15And it's Tickle in the lead.
18:19That's racing right there.
18:24Tim Smith is done playing games.
18:26$5,000 can buy a lot of shirts.
18:29Come on, Tickle. Come on.
18:31He's blowing the doors off everybody.
18:34Come on, Tickle. Come on.
18:36If that car had wings, it'd be flying.
18:40This ain't good. This ain't good.
18:42It's going to take a miracle to catch him now.
18:47Oh, what the heck, man?
18:49I can't believe you just wasted it.
18:51I got an idea, cousin.
18:53All right, Tickle, come on, come on, come on, come on, baby.
18:56Let's go, let's go.
19:03Let's go.
19:10Cheating is a time-honored tradition in racing.
19:18What the hell?
19:20Keep an eye on that number 10 car.
19:22Tim Smith looks like he may have some issues.
19:25What the hell's he going so slow for?
19:29Something is definitely wrong with Tim's car.
19:33He's out. He's on the side of the track.
19:35He's out of the race and clearly out of his mind.
19:38Get back in your vehicle.
19:43Just five cars left.
19:46Come the f*** on. Get out of my way.
19:48Can't let her get ahead of me. This thing won't work.
19:53It's the final lap, and it's neck-and-neck
19:55between Tickle and Nasty Nat in that white convertible.
19:58Don't worry. Only her car is stopless.
20:01It's coming down to the line.
20:03It's going to be close, and it's Tickle and his General T
20:07taking the checkered flag.
20:09First place, baby.
20:11He's got it, baby.
20:13That's what I'm talking about.
20:16My man.
20:18That's right.
20:20Get on her, baby. It's your ride.
20:23You went down.
20:25It's about damn time.
20:27We've tried and failed and paid our dues way too many times.
20:30But now, everything's coming up Tickle.
20:33No cheating, huh?
20:35No. That was fair and square.
20:37Nobody done nothing to your car.
20:39Ain't no sense in being a sore loser now.
20:42This piece of junk cannot beat that.
20:44Tim, let the little guy have his moment.
20:46Tickle.
20:48And it's in.
20:50Tickle and the General T
20:53on behalf of Ace Speedway,
20:55$5,000 is yours.
21:01Behind every great driver is a damn good pit crew.
21:04Some good friends who will always be willing to share the burden.
21:07Now, if they're great friends, you can share the burden
21:10without also having to share the giant check.
21:14And the checkered flag.
21:16Good job, folks.