Tickle (2013) Season 1 Episode 7: Shined, Sealed, Delivered
Tickle (2013) Season 1 Episode 7: Shined, Sealed, Delivered
Hoping to bribe their way out of trouble, Tickle and the boys create a discreet delivery service to raise cash. Their motto is no questions asked, but they should have asked themselves if this was really a good idea.
#tickle #moonshiners
Hoping to bribe their way out of trouble, Tickle and the boys create a discreet delivery service to raise cash. Their motto is no questions asked, but they should have asked themselves if this was really a good idea.
#tickle #moonshiners
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TVTranscript
00:00I'm fixin' to jump on this son of a bitch.
00:05With any new business, you can't be afraid to grab a couple of friends
00:08and try something you've never done before.
00:10That way, your next couple of screw-ups ain't failures.
00:13They're just on-the-job training.
00:18With money rolling in from his shine sales...
00:20How much money you reckon all that gonna add up to?
00:22Damn hundred thousand here easy.
00:24...Tickle has been living large.
00:26Very large.
00:28That's what I'm talkin' about.
00:30But after blowing so much money...
00:33...Tickle's big spending may finally be catching up with him.
00:38Hey, Tickle.
00:40How you doin'?
00:42Is that your car back there?
00:44No.
00:45Get outta there.
00:47Somethin' just ain't right.
00:48There's a lot of weird stuff goin' on.
00:50I think whoever made that shine's closin' in on me.
00:59If anybody knows how to get outta this...
01:03...it's Grandpa Bill.
01:04So, what's goin' on?
01:06I've been feelin' like somebody's been watchin' me and kinda followin' me
01:09and thinkin' it's the guy whose shine I found.
01:12You bringin' these mother-fuckers right to me.
01:16Nobody followed me here.
01:17You sure?
01:18I'm sure of that.
01:19Somebody could find me any second.
01:21Pop.
01:22Hey, Tickle.
01:23Hey, Tickle.
01:24Tickle.
01:25Tickle.
01:26Tickle.
01:27Pop.
01:29Pop.
01:31Pop.
01:33They cut the phone line.
01:37I don't know how long I can keep this up.
01:39I feel like somebody might be comin' after me or somethin'.
01:41I mean, I don't know what to do.
01:43That's why I come see what you thought about it.
01:45You're gonna have to try to make some kind of peace treaty deal with him.
01:49Maybe givin' me money, plus like 10 or 20 percent.
01:53I had some shine and you stole it.
01:55I believe I'd let you live for that.
01:57I ain't got enough to pay for all the shine plus interest.
02:00You ever thought about maybe like sellin' your house and your Corvette?
02:04There's no sense in sellin' the house to stay safe.
02:07Dana would just kill me.
02:08And if somebody wants my Corvette,
02:09they're gonna have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
02:12I don't know how I'm gonna come up with it,
02:14but I guess I have to do somethin'.
02:16Yeah, how ain't important.
02:18What you need to do is come up with that $%&$ money.
02:21That's about the only chance you get.
02:23Now that he's finally realized he's in danger,
02:26Tickle may be able to get himself out of it if he keeps a calm, clear head.
02:32What we need is somethin' where we don't need to invest a lot of capital right off the get-go.
02:36Yeah, absolutely.
02:37We can jump into this thing both feet wide open and just tear a new one.
02:40Exactly.
02:41Just jump right in right now.
02:42That don't exist.
02:43Well.
02:44Does it?
02:45I don't think so.
02:46That's what we're tryin' to figure out.
02:48I mean, I guess I can start bottlin' river water and sellin' it.
02:50Bottlin' river water.
02:53Give the whole world dysentery.
02:56Exactly.
02:57I say we open up an escort service.
02:59There's bound to be one old ass woman out there that'd go out loud.
03:03I wish Tickle would come up with an idea that didn't involve me sellin' my body.
03:07I'm not just a piece of meat.
03:08If we ain't gettin' rich overnight, it needs to be pretty damn quick, you know?
03:11I don't know what to do, baby.
03:13All I can figure is...
03:17See this man over here?
03:18Deliverin' his cake.
03:19Yeah.
03:20See that right there?
03:21That's what I'm talkin' about.
03:22The only thing you need to deliver stuff like that is a truck.
03:25I got one, too, brother.
03:27We need to infiltrate this business.
03:29That's exactly what we're gonna do.
03:31I deliver stuff nobody else delivers.
03:33I put it that way.
03:34There you go.
03:35Yeah, look, we can get some business drummed up and sell some of this shine to him.
03:37That's right.
03:38That's right.
03:39Delivery service is a great idea.
03:41Of course, a better idea is not gettin' caught.
03:43That way we don't have to pay anybody off.
03:46Tickle, you do your best thinkin'.
03:48Win his drink.
03:49Win his drink?
03:51I got that comin', Chuck.
03:52He's really got it comin'.
03:53Sometimes the only way out of a problem is to sit down and put on your thinkin' cap.
04:00Thinkin's delicious.
04:02Maybe it's just all that thinking juice talking,
04:05but Tickle's also hoping to get some money from honest, hard work.
04:09Megan's Hard Work.
04:11Megan.
04:12So, uh, how's business goin'?
04:15Business?
04:17Not much of a business.
04:19What do you mean, not much of a business?
04:21It's pitiful.
04:22We're not sellin' anything.
04:23Why are we not sellin' anything?
04:26Oh.
04:27No!
04:28I slashed prices.
04:30I mean, what's wrong with this stuff?
04:32Are you kidding me?
04:33Look at this place.
04:34What's wrong with this place?
04:36Okay, I'll show you.
04:38I feel bad, but Tickle's gotta know the truth about this place.
04:41I mean, it's like having to tell a kid that there's no Santa Claus.
04:45A 36-year-old kid.
04:47I mean, look at this clock.
04:49It's missin' a number.
04:50Who don't know where one is on the clock?
04:52I wouldn't buy this.
04:53We do got some nice stuff here, though.
04:56Are we sellin' used balloons?
04:57You know what?
04:58We've got to make money.
04:59You make it make money.
05:01All right, well, I feel like the whole store needs to be rearranged.
05:05Signs, labels, price tags.
05:08If I was in charge, it would all be done a little bit differently.
05:11Well, you do realize that you are the one that's here all the time?
05:16Yes.
05:17Okay.
05:18Why is it already not arranged differently?
05:21So you're giving me permission to arrange the store the way I want it?
05:24If that gets stuff sellin', do exactly whatever you want.
05:29I need everybody to start pullin' their own weight around here.
05:33Megan especially is gonna have to do a lot of pullin'.
05:36All right, well, things are gonna look a lot differently around here.
05:40I don't care what it looks like.
05:41Just get this stuff sold and start makin' some money.
05:43All right.
05:44Okay.
05:46Maybe after Megan fixes Tickle's old business,
05:49she'll be able to fix whatever he's about to do to his delivery service.
05:53We gotta make us a radio commercial for this business.
05:56We're so far away from everything out here,
05:58you can only pick up like two radio stations.
06:00If I can get my commercial on one of them,
06:02I'll have half the town listenin'.
06:04Yeah, let people know it don't matter what they need delivered.
06:06We will deliver it and we ain't gonna say nothin' about it.
06:09Hell no.
06:10We'll take Grandpa from the bid to the pod
06:12and then back to the bid if that's what they need.
06:14That's right.
06:15You know, I've actually had a lot of marketing experience.
06:21What the hell are you doin' in my office?
06:23Get out!
06:25Good times.
06:26Let's give this thing a try.
06:28All right.
06:29Action!
06:30Do you need anything moved?
06:32I mean anything at all.
06:34Just call me Tickle at, um...
06:38All right, let's try this again, man.
06:40All right, you ready?
06:41Yeah.
06:42Do you need anything moved or delivered?
06:44No item too big, no item too small.
06:47Just call me Tickle at...
06:53I once heard someone say
06:54that Tickle had the perfect face for radio.
06:57See?
06:58See, I know it.
06:59Now all I guess he needs is his voice and his talent.
07:03Of course, sooner or later,
07:04I know the shine's bound to kick in.
07:08We won't tell any of your neighbors
07:10about the crap you haven't moved or delivered.
07:12If you need your old lady moved while she's at work,
07:15we'll do that too.
07:16We'll even change the door locks
07:17so she can't get back in and bother you no more.
07:20You need Grandpa delivered to the darn bathroom,
07:22we will deliver him to the bathroom
07:24and safely back to the bed.
07:26We're open 24-7,
07:27and if you can't find what you need delivered,
07:30maybe we have it.
07:31That sounds pretty good.
07:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
07:34I like that.
07:35Good job, man.
07:36Yeah.
07:37Yeah, buddy.
07:38That is definitely it right there.
07:40I think that's gonna make a good radio ad.
07:42Get some of this sweet.
07:43Whoo!
07:44That's gold right here.
07:45Apparently, the value of gold has gone down tremendously.
07:51Desperate to pay off those he's wronged,
07:53Tickle needs his delivery service to succeed.
07:56So after a quick recording session with Mo...
07:58That's right, always confidential.
08:00...and some sound effects courtesy of Howard,
08:03Tickle has taken to the airwaves.
08:05Do you need anything, Mo?
08:07I mean anything at all.
08:10Just call me, Tickle,
08:11at No One's Business But Yours
08:13Delivery and Freight Service.
08:15Always on time and always confidential.
08:18Need your old lady moved while she's at work?
08:20It does not matter.
08:22We'll even change the door locks
08:24so she can't bother you no more.
08:25No item too big, no item too small.
08:28Call us anytime, 24-7,
08:31at 5...
08:32Mo.
08:33That's right.
08:35Mo.
08:36Little dumbass.
08:43Hello?
08:44Yes, sir, this is the delivery service.
08:46There's only one man you can trust for your phone calls.
08:49That's me.
08:50Also, Meg is not here right now.
08:52All right, well, hold on one second, sir.
08:55Boys, this guy wants a daggum gallon
08:58of some ice cream and some potato chips.
09:02$20 minimum fee.
09:03Just let him know that.
09:04Man, who pays $20 for snacks?
09:06Tickle should have named this Tell Me Your Business
09:08because it's really interesting
09:09and I want to know delivery services.
09:11It's a missed opportunity, man.
09:13Thanks for calling us. Bye-bye.
09:16Cousin, get ready.
09:17Somebody got more money than they got since.
09:19That's all I can say.
09:20Mo, take this address.
09:21Can't mess this up.
09:22All right, man, I'll see y'all in a little bit.
09:24Kick rock, boy.
09:25These little bitty small orders,
09:27man, we can rack up.
09:28Damn right.
09:29I mean, this take 10, 15 minutes.
09:30Just think about how many 15 minutes you got now.
09:32What, three?
09:33You got four.
09:35Four? That's even more money.
09:36These quick 10-minute jobs are great.
09:38Mo can get out, get back,
09:40and make us more money than we can count
09:42before you know it.
09:51Man, how long has he been gone?
09:53He's been gone forever.
09:54That ain't good.
09:55You know what needs to be our next endeavor?
09:57What's that?
09:58Bounty hunting.
09:59Man, we ain't gonna find nobody.
10:01What's up, guys?
10:02Y'all still here?
10:03Where the hell you been, huh?
10:06Look.
10:08What the hell are you doing, man?
10:10You want some of this?
10:11No, nothing.
10:12Let's get a pizza, man.
10:14What?
10:15You smell funky, cousin.
10:17What are y'all talking about?
10:19I don't know if Mo's been wrestling a skunk
10:21or he spent all damn night at a Grateful Dead concert.
10:23Either way, someone needs a chunk of air freshener on his ass.
10:25I prefer a new car smell.
10:27You like a hippie.
10:28Man, I don't like that.
10:29I mean, these guys was hippies.
10:30I probably smell like I've been in the house, man,
10:32but that's cool as hell.
10:34You gotta learn from your own mistakes.
10:36From here on out, there's no questions asked
10:38and no hippies.
10:40Problem solved.
10:41Like Popeye's spinach here, man.
10:46The boys' first delivery
10:47may have been a half-baked effort.
10:49Nobody's missing but yours, delivery and freight.
10:52Yeah, we'll deliver that, no problem.
10:53But half is better than nothing.
10:57And probably the best they'll manage.
11:02Hello, I'm here from the delivery service.
11:05You need a delivery?
11:06We want to go to the park.
11:08Oh, you are the delivery.
11:10Yes.
11:11I can handle that.
11:12Great.
11:13I'll drop these guys off at the park,
11:15swing by and pick them up before nap time.
11:18Easy money.
11:19I won't even have to do any heavy lifting.
11:21Oh, gosh, I can't get in there.
11:24It's disastrous.
11:26While Tickle struggles with the concept of talking cargo...
11:30You're on some of my first people delivery.
11:34Howard and Moe are struggling to...
11:36Well, everything's a struggle for them, isn't it?
11:39You got a pretty good size pack today, huh?
11:42Oh!
11:47Delivery.
11:52Be careful with him.
11:53Okay.
11:54Be careful.
11:56Ow!
11:57Disgusting!
12:02Delivery.
12:03Cheeseburger and fries.
12:04All my fries are gone.
12:06Yeah, about that.
12:11Well, the cousins just destroyed half the packages in Gretna.
12:14But at least they remembered to deliver them.
12:16You think it's coming back?
12:18I don't know.
12:19It's going to be dark first thing tonight.
12:22But Tickle hasn't forgotten to stop by the store from time to time.
12:28Hi.
12:29What the hell is this?
12:30I decorated a little.
12:33Pink?
12:34What's wrong with pink?
12:35Purple?
12:36It's pretty.
12:37I mean, ain't no man going to shop in no pink store.
12:41Mm-mm, no, no.
12:42So you're saying we don't have female customers?
12:45I told Megan she could rearrange the store.
12:47I never said bring a unicorn in to *** rainbows all over the place.
12:50This is not going to work, Megan.
12:52It's not going to work.
12:53You said I could do what I wanted to do to decorate the store.
12:55Not pink, not pink.
12:56Come here, look at this.
12:57These candles.
12:58You want a scented candle?
12:59Get a bacon-scented candle or something like that.
13:01Guys love that crap.
13:03You are being rude.
13:04This is my store, and it's not going to be pink.
13:07I'm the one who's in here all day.
13:09I don't care.
13:10I want all of this *** down.
13:11I want it gone.
13:12We weren't selling anything before.
13:14How could this possibly be worse?
13:17It's not all pink.
13:18Close enough.
13:20Tickle could explain why price tags and organization have no place in his store.
13:25But he and the boys have to prepare for their biggest delivery yet
13:29in their brand-new company uniforms.
13:32We're here to pick up a pig.
13:34I think you're at the right place.
13:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:37Man called me, said he done bought one from you.
13:39Yeah, he bought that hemp shower down there.
13:41Okay.
13:43We are after big boy right there.
13:46That hog weigh about 180, 190 pounds.
13:49Holy ***.
13:50Don't let the curly tail fool you, folks.
13:52Ain't nothing piglet about them kahunas.
13:55Little baby pigs, they are very fun to play with.
13:58But the size of them is down there?
14:00Uh-uh.
14:01Look, we need to keep him from getting over in there.
14:03All right, well, I can hang back right here.
14:05I wouldn't let my hand get too close to his mouth,
14:07because he might bite you.
14:08Don't get all frisky on me now.
14:10Come here, you little son of a ***.
14:12I'm on you. I'm on you.
14:14Come here. Come here.
14:16Come here.
14:19Come on. Come on. Come on.
14:21Oh, ***.
14:25It's all over but the ride now.
14:27All right, I'm breaking out my secret weapon.
14:29There's not a problem in the world you can't solve with a bucket.
14:31In Howard's defense, he actually believes that's true.
14:34He like hiding in that coop.
14:36He's snout right now.
14:39You can't be scared of him.
14:42That ain't how you do it, man.
14:43No.
14:44This is ridiculous.
14:45Got Tickle running around with a hog catch.
14:47Howard's got a stupid bucket.
14:49All you need is a little iron, a little steel,
14:52and if the left don't get you, the right one will.
14:54It's go mow time.
14:56Fixing to jump on this son of a bitch.
15:01That was a whole lot of *** during pig.
15:06Mowing on pig one.
15:09Man, this is impossible.
15:11Anybody tells you they can bring home the bacon,
15:13they're full of ***.
15:15All right, cousin.
15:16You got him this time.
15:17Yeah.
15:18Me and you done squared off before this happens.
15:21*** blocking.
15:26No, we getting the pig.
15:27The only way we getting that pig in my truck is over his dead body.
15:31Of course, if we shoot it, it ain't exactly livestock no more.
15:34I got the bucket.
15:35Most people could win a three-on-one fight against a pig.
15:38But for Tickle, success will always be slipperier
15:42than a grease...
15:43Well, you know.
15:44I'm going to tell you, he's a little bit bigger than I expected.
15:52Man, I had a buddy of mine the other day lock himself first.
15:55It damn hurts.
15:56I don't lock my doors.
15:57The only time I lock my doors is if somebody coming down the driveway
16:00I don't want to talk to.
16:02He's like, oh, man, not this *** again.
16:04All right, everybody be quiet.
16:05Everybody be quiet.
16:06We're going to act like we ain't here.
16:08We're asleep.
16:09We're asleep.
16:11People around here own guns.
16:13Don't go messing around the house.
16:15Everybody owns a gun.
16:17Exactly.
16:19I feel like somebody might be coming after me.
16:21Desperate to pay off his pursuers.
16:23Maybe give him the money, less like 10 or 20%.
16:26Tickle's hoping his old store...
16:28We've got to make money.
16:29You make it make money.
16:30And new business will bring in some fast cash.
16:33We're here to pick up a pig.
16:36But he's just realized the flaw in his plan.
16:39I don't know if we're going to wind up getting that pig in this truck.
16:41Is this even worth it?
16:45No, no, not really.
16:50I look at it this way.
16:51We got one more roll now.
16:53No livestock.
16:54We just ain't equipped for it.
16:56No.
17:00That's all, folks.
17:10Meet your approval now.
17:12Look, I'm sorry for yelling at you,
17:14but it just won't gonna work for this store.
17:17It was just too girly.
17:19I do appreciate you apologizing.
17:21You were rather rude.
17:22But, um, I got a little surprise for you.
17:25You do?
17:26I figured you'd be pissed at me.
17:28Let's step outside.
17:29Tickle's about to learn that Gretna hath no fury like a Megan Storm.
17:34Tickle said no pink inside the store,
17:36but he never said anything about it.
17:38But he never said anything about outside the store.
17:41What do you think?
17:44What the hell did you do to my car?
17:46Pink stripes.
17:47No, no, no.
17:49This ain't right.
17:50It's all over it.
17:51Ain't it pretty?
17:53Megan, what the hell?
17:55This is a Corvette.
17:57This is my Corvette.
17:59There's some things should never be done,
18:01and pink stripes on my Corvette is it.
18:03You are so worked up.
18:05It's unreal.
18:06Do you know how much this is going to cost to be repainted?
18:08I know that it comes right off.
18:12Look.
18:13It's just tape.
18:14Not funny, Megan.
18:16It is funny.
18:17It's hilarious.
18:18Get it off.
18:20Tickle's going to think twice before he ever yells at me again.
18:23That's if he can manage to think once.
18:25While Megan tries to memorize the look on Tickle's face,
18:29Tickle and the boys are racking their brains for more delivery ideas.
18:33Of course, even simple problems force these guys to rack their brains.
18:36All right, look, guys.
18:38What is left for us to deliver, man?
18:40We've been through all this.
18:41Everything's a no-go.
18:43I'm thinking, man, rocks.
18:45They're worth their weight in gold.
18:47Rocks?
18:48Rocks are heavy, man.
18:49Who wants to carry a bunch of heavy rocks?
18:51I got seawater down.
18:53Seawater?
18:54Seawater.
18:55Singin' telegram.
18:56You can get back into the business.
18:58What else we got?
19:00What else we got?
19:03The moneymaker.
19:04What?
19:05Hugs, man.
19:07I can deliver hugs all day long, man.
19:09You go around hugging people that you don't know.
19:11You know what?
19:12You get arrested for that.
19:13You're damn right you do.
19:14Hang on.
19:15Phone's ringing, man.
19:16Phone's ringing.
19:17You got anything else besides hugs?
19:19Megan.
19:20Yeah.
19:21All right, good.
19:23What is it?
19:25No.
19:26It's perishable and no.
19:29Somebody gets sick.
19:31$800?
19:33We'll be right there.
19:34New rule.
19:36Anything delivered for $800,
19:38all these rules go out the window, man.
19:40Come on, let's go.
19:41Damn right.
19:42I'm healing the world one hug at a time.
19:44Well, then you better do it for free.
19:47I tell you what.
19:48This thing, we gonna score big on.
19:51All right, boys, let's get this beat.
19:54Yeah, y'all grab them coolers, man.
19:58Boys, I may have misinterpreted you all a little bit,
20:01but that beef is on feet.
20:05Oh, this steak's still alive.
20:07How does Megan not know the first rule of answering phones?
20:09You always ask the client if the cargo is dead.
20:11Always.
20:12I ain't picking up nothing with legs.
20:14We just said this.
20:15No livestock.
20:16I mean, it's beef, but it ain't for dinner.
20:19I can tell you six ways to cook a cow,
20:21but I don't know a damn thing about moving them.
20:23It's the rarest beef I've ever seen.
20:25I like my steak smack them in the head with a hammer
20:27and wipe a tail and throw them on a plate,
20:29but that's kind of ridiculous right there.
20:31I was told beef.
20:32Beef, yeah, not cattle.
20:33I was told beef.
20:34Ain't even a slaughterhouse around here nowhere, man.
20:36No pigs, no Pikachus, no poodles, no penguins,
20:39no freaking cows.
20:40You know what?
20:41I got a great idea.
20:42Come on.
20:43Come on.
20:44Let's just put all this back in the truck.
20:45I got a great idea.
20:46What, you gonna shoot them?
20:47I ain't shooting these cows,
20:48but I think it's about time I put myself out of my misery.
20:51You see this thing right here?
20:53What are you doing?
20:54You just take that thing right off.
20:57Another business failure.
20:59Anytime you tell a real true friend you're in trouble,
21:02they'll be glad to jump right in and help you like it's their job.
21:06But even when it is their job,
21:08deep down, sometimes you know they might just be
21:11better off left in the dark.
21:15I think it got lost.