Handsome Hank | Viva TV
Category
🥇
SportsTranscript
00:00Alright, so this week on the Yak, we wanted to do something around the goalie for the
00:06Yak gauntlet, Jake Malasek.
00:07Despite being handsome objectively, the good dude seems to be adverse to the dating scene.
00:13So we wanted to set up a show that would make it maybe a little bit easier for him to meet
00:18women.
00:19We put out a call to all the malasexuals out there to apply to be in this show.
00:25It's called I'm Not Gay, a heterosexual dating show with Jake Malasek.
00:29Last week we did basically whittling down the list from 24 to 12 to 8 to 5 and now down
00:36to 3.
00:37So we're in the finals this week.
00:38We have 3 lovely women coming in to have a date with Jake Malasek and we are going to
00:44see how it goes.
00:45So we asked for things like your favorite outfit laid out.
00:49So how many are we at?
00:523.
00:53And they're all coming in tomorrow.
00:54Tomorrow?
00:55Yes.
00:56I don't know if we can finalize what it is, but it's a $2,000 date with Malasek or a cash
01:02prize that should be less than that, so like $1,000 or maybe like $500 on a date with Kate
01:07or someone.
01:08A $2,000 date?
01:09They might just babysit my kids for a week, right?
01:10I pay them $2,000, they babysit my kids for a week.
01:11Okay.
01:12Sounds good.
01:14I'll send you the breakdown for the three.
01:15Yep.
01:16So what do we think Malasek is going to fall in love?
01:24I think it's more on him because given the choice between like a cash prize and a date
01:29with him, I'm very confident like the top two scorers so far are going to choose him.
01:34I think there's a chance.
01:35If you need a dating show to get pussy, I mean, it's on you, brother.
01:40I handle my own business.
01:41I'm not looking forward to tomorrow at all.
01:43It's going to be very awkward in America.
01:45Do you see a future with any of these three?
01:47I don't even know what they look like.
01:48I don't, I really don't know.
01:49I mean, they seem to be putting in a lot of effort.
01:51That's a plus, I guess.
01:52For you?
01:53It couldn't be as bad as Tate's last yak appearance.
01:56What is that?
01:57Where you got bodied by kegs?
01:58No, no.
01:59When he was like.
02:00Stop.
02:01Don't.
02:02I think one of the girls is going to drive down from Detroit tomorrow, which is like
02:06insane.
02:07She's coming here with me to Toronto for our date.
02:10I am not doing that, bro.
02:11I might have three girlfriends after tomorrow.
02:13You think they're going to show up?
02:14What if you converted from like Judaism to Mormonism and just cuffed all of them?
02:20Had three wives?
02:21Yeah, that would be an elite fucking spin.
02:23You've never had a serious relationship?
02:25This could be the first, Jake.
02:26Could be.
02:27What would you say the odds of that happening are?
02:30Zero.
02:31What's like my dream here?
02:32What's my dream scenario?
02:33To find a girl that you're going to date.
02:34Isn't that the whole point?
02:35Yeah, I guess.
02:36If they're applying to this show and they've already been disqualified.
02:41But we will see, you know?
02:42Who knows?
02:43Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.
02:44I doubt it.
02:45But maybe.
02:46They'll never free me from this hell that I've created for myself.
02:52I think I might lose this virginity to a girl this time.
02:55Are they Ukrainian?
02:56No.
02:57They're all American.
02:58That's good, right?
02:59I mean, what?
03:00You want an American girl?
03:01I mean, I guess so.
03:02Malzek's going to be miserable.
03:03I feel bad for my guy.
03:04I'd be miserable.
03:05I'd be in the same spot as Malzek.
03:06People don't understand.
03:07I'm in the same spot as you.
03:08Look at this.
03:09One of each of their last ten postseason openers.
03:10This is dead good.
03:11I think I'm going to cash out.
03:12Hey!
03:13Can you send Jack home for the day?
03:14What?
03:15Do you have the power to send Jack home for the day?
03:16Yeah.
03:17Can you send him home for the day?
03:18You came in and then the pitch got hit.
03:19Ready to punch guard?
03:20It's time to punch out.
03:21Go home.
03:22Home.
03:23That's it.
03:24Go home.
03:25Pretty much Jerry came in this morning and said he loved the Tigers.
03:26Said he put a lot of money on the Tigers.
03:27So we all bet the Tigers with him.
03:28For no reason at all.
03:29I don't know.
03:30I don't know.
03:31I don't know.
03:32I don't know.
03:33I don't know.
03:34I don't know.
03:35I don't know.
03:36I don't know.
03:37I don't know.
03:38I don't know.
03:39I don't know.
03:40I don't know.
03:41I don't know.
03:42I don't know.
03:43I don't know.
03:44I don't know.
03:45I don't know.
03:46I don't know.
03:47I don't know.
03:48I don't know.
03:49I don't know.
03:50I don't know.
03:51I don't know.
03:52I don't know.
03:53I don't know.
03:54I don't know.
03:55I don't know.
03:56I don't know.
03:57I don't know.
03:58I don't know.
03:59I don't know.
04:00I don't know.
04:01I don't know.
04:02I don't know.
04:03I don't know.
04:04I don't know.
04:05I don't know.
04:06I don't know.
04:07I don't know.
04:08I don't know.
04:09I don't know.
04:10I don't know.
04:11It's like we're having fish bowl talks and then five days early, we're just shouting
04:13about fish bowl.
04:14And we have the volume loud on that while they sweat it out one of the most intense
04:15baseball games of the season.
04:17Oh f***ing s***!
04:19Shut this shit the f*** off!
04:22Shut it off!
04:23Shut the f*** off!
04:25Shut it the f*** off!
04:27Shack it off!
04:30Shut the f*** off!
04:34Shut it off!
04:36Shut it off!
04:37It's the fucking film credit.
04:40Oh my god, you're gonna rip it off the wall.
04:44Have you ever seen a touch screen TV?
04:48I don't know, everything's touch nowadays.
04:50See, are you like really good at charades?
04:52Honestly, yeah.
04:54For you.
04:56Yeah!
05:02That's what I'm talking about.
05:04Let's fucking go.
05:06Let's go.
05:08Let's go!
05:10Let's go!
05:16Good win.
05:18I may have hedged a little bit.
05:20Alright.
05:22They're fucking 6,000 on the game, they're playing fishbowl.
05:24I stashed out, I didn't even know what I was doing.
05:28Kobe, please one time.
05:30Oh my god, Kobe.
05:32No!
05:46Oh my god!
05:48Oh my god, we did it!
05:50Oh my god!
05:52Oh my god!
06:02Oh my god.
06:18Hey Jerry.
06:20It's time for advisors.
06:22I know.
06:24How are you dressed right now?
06:26Oh.
06:28I was gonna say, it would have been funny if you were in your boxers
06:30and you just walked in.
06:32You slept with your shoes on, you psycho?
06:34Yeah.
06:36What the fuck?
06:38Yeah, but still, you couldn't take your shoes off?
06:42Alright, advisors
06:44is in like ten minutes.
06:46Ten minutes?
06:48You got this, this is gonna be great.
06:54Running fucking weightless
06:56and it's 14 pounds I fucking gained?
06:58I fucking hate fat.
07:00I hate people who can eat carbs.
07:02I hate people who can eat sugar.
07:04Every thin person in the world should fucking die.
07:06A death that is the worst ever.
07:08But listen,
07:10feel it amazing, feel it hopeful,
07:12feel it positive, feel it blessed.
07:14Season seven, week five,
07:16run, run, run, run.
07:18Hello, hello, hello.
07:20Hello, hello, hello.
07:22I'm not fucking happy.
07:24I gained 14 fucking pounds.
07:26I look disgusting.
07:28I look like fucking Tim Walz.
07:30I look ten years older.
07:32It's embarrassing to be me.
07:34It really fucking is.
07:36P.O.D. in the house.
07:38Look how thin you look.
07:40You look good.
07:44We're gonna be in the best shape of our lives
07:46when we turn 40.
07:48Stu, can you just do this?
07:50Bow your head just a little bit.
07:52I want to take a picture.
07:54Fucked his wife, she'd know what she's been missing.
07:56That's established, though.
07:58That's a fact, I mean.
08:00That's a fact.
08:02What do you want today?
08:04Maybe Tigers again, probably.
08:06Take off your glasses.
08:08Stu, get in the slap.
08:10One slap, one good slap.
08:12Wake him up.
08:14It's gonna be soft.
08:16He's so cute.
08:18You do it then.
08:20No, leave your rings on.
08:22I'll take off my rings.
08:24I got one.
08:26I got one.
08:28What are you guys doing?
08:30That's two.
08:32The camera came around the corner.
08:34That doesn't count.
08:36What do you mean?
08:38We're just flipping bottles.
08:40First one to get three.
08:42We're all good.
08:44Bottles on the table.
08:46Three, two, one.
08:48Go.
08:50One.
08:52I got one.
08:54Two, I got two.
08:56There's one.
08:58Three.
09:00The office is still under construction.
09:02They're getting rid of surviving bars,
09:04so people are just sitting around.
09:06Sometimes you just gotta get off your ass,
09:08get a little activity going.
09:10That's what we did today, bottle flipping,
09:12thanks to Mountain Dew.
09:14Everyone needs to get off their ass more,
09:16and Mountain Dew is here to help you with that.
09:18Mountain Dew used to be the original,
09:20but Baja Blast is probably two of all time.
09:22This is an office built for games.
09:24Right now it's under construction,
09:26but you can do games like bottle flipping,
09:28you can do whatever you need to do.
09:30Mountain Dew makes you want to get active,
09:32makes you want to get off your ass,
09:34so thank you to Mountain Dew for just
09:36keeping the boys, keeping their brains going,
09:38keeping the energy up.
09:40Mountain Dew, thank you.
09:42Good to meet you.
09:44Nice to meet you.
09:46I missed a lot of last week,
09:48but I heard it was great.
09:50Good to meet you.
09:52She flew in from Santa Monica, California this morning.
09:54Yeah, I have no idea what day it is right now.
09:56I love it, I love it.
09:58We're gonna have fun today.
10:00Chef Tonya's gonna have food ready at like 1245,
10:02so we'll kind of...
10:04He and Nick are running the show.
10:06I'm not doing, I don't have anything.
10:08My name's Erica Kay.
10:10I'm from New Jersey.
10:12I live in Santa Monica,
10:14and I got submitted for the show,
10:16and I'm excited for today.
10:18If you want to shit on Jake,
10:20please, for the love of God,
10:22whatever's in your heart, you should let it out.
10:24You cannot hurt the man.
10:26He's a piece of shit.
10:28Oh, this is Brandon Walker.
10:30We're gonna keep it light and fun and goofy,
10:32but thank you so much for being here.
10:34How are you?
10:36These are for you.
10:38You've come a long way for this.
10:40I'm from Santa Monica.
10:42Wow.
10:44All right, so what's your deal?
10:46I'm not sure of the basics,
10:48but let's hear it.
10:50Well, I went to CU for undergrad,
10:52USD for grad school.
10:54Architecture.
10:56SDU. USD.
10:58No, USC.
11:00Oh, USC, both.
11:02CU followed USC.
11:04A lot of letters.
11:06Yeah, yeah, but that's cool.
11:08And then I've been there since.
11:10So you're both gonna stand back-to-back right here.
11:12So I'm gonna say my card,
11:14and then Liam's gonna say his card,
11:16and then whichever you prefer, you step towards
11:18or point. Would you rather
11:20passenger or...
11:22Driver.
11:24Oh.
11:26Oh.
11:28Would you rather have five kids
11:30or...
11:32One kid.
11:34Oh.
11:36Mountains or...
11:38The beach.
11:40Oh.
11:42Three for three.
11:44Quick picks or...
11:46Sarah
11:48McLaughlin animal
11:50shelter commercial.
11:54Oh, no.
11:56Four for five.
11:58They're compatible.
12:00Sit and relax,
12:02and our very own Stephen Chang
12:04will be coming in for some stand-up comedy.
12:06I can't wait.
12:08What's up, Chicago?
12:12So I moved to Chicago last year.
12:14It's beautiful.
12:16Took my family on one of these
12:18architectural riverboat cruises.
12:20You guys ever been on one of those?
12:22Beautiful.
12:24So nice. A lot of these buildings.
12:26Very modern. Cutting edge.
12:28Learned a lot on these
12:30things, too.
12:32The Chicago flag.
12:34It's got its own very unique flag. It's got
12:36light blue. It's got four
12:38distinct red stars.
12:40They all mean something.
12:42One of these stars
12:44I learned
12:46is for the great Chicago
12:48fire.
12:50It's killed
12:52300 people. Took out several
12:54miles of the city.
12:56You didn't have to put that on your flag.
12:58In my neighborhood, if you drive down
13:00the street, you might see a sign on someone's
13:02lawn. Tommy graduated
13:04Hersey High School. You wouldn't see a sign that said
13:06Tommy burned down Hersey
13:08High School.
13:10Anyway, I was leaving
13:12the movies.
13:14Holy shit!
13:16Yeah, no, that was bad.
13:18Oh, Brittany, you go right after this.
13:20No, no, no, I will go.
13:22You do Bernie Mac for us.
13:24Oh, do it while they're painting.
13:26Women just ask you anything they want to ask you.
13:28Just talk to you any way they want to
13:30talk to you. I was at the club that night
13:32being cool, you know, like I am.
13:34I was just chilling. A woman
13:36would come up to me and she'd go say, Brandon!
13:38I'd say, yeah, that's my name. And she said,
13:40Brandon, does pussy taste like
13:42pumpkin pie? I said, don't ask
13:44me no damn question like that. I ain't never had no pumpkin
13:46pie. Kick ass!
13:48Come on!
13:50Thanks, Brad.
13:52That was funny.
13:58Oh my god!
14:04Is that who he sees her as?
14:06Is she a Simpson?
14:10We're keeping that.
14:12She nailed it.
14:14Sorta. That's good.
14:18Holy shit.
14:22You're reading the stage directions.
14:26The chemistry is explosive.
14:28The popcorn raid is rapid.
14:30The anxiety popcorn consumption.
14:32Replenish the popcorn.
14:34I want this to be a thing.
14:36Just keep feeding them popcorn.
14:38Thanks, man.
14:40Should I wait and see how much more popcorn he eats?
14:42I think we just
14:44sit here and watch him eat popcorn.
14:46I feel bad for her.
14:48He's got popcorn in his hand or mouth
14:50at all times.
14:52Literally every second.
14:54It's so bad.
14:56Highlight of the night, in my opinion.
14:58Show her how to swing, Jake.
15:00Yeah, stand behind her.
15:02What the hell?
15:06Hole in one!
15:10Hole in one.
15:12He has to blow it here or he is the worst.
15:14Jake won.
15:16Jake, you kicked her ass.
15:18Nice, Jake.
15:20That's the date, guys. That's it.
15:22Let's have him sit back down.
15:24I had a great time. It was fun. It was a lot less awkward than I thought it would be.
15:26Would you like a second date with Meryl Streep?
15:28Sure, I'm down.
15:30Well, good luck.
15:32Hopefully he wants one.
15:34This is good, Pop.
15:36Unbelievable.
15:38We were kind of hoping
15:40to have you serenade the date.
15:42I can't actually play the guitar.
15:44The idea would be
15:46you come in and you start strumming
15:48and you're like, oh, fuck.
15:50Oh, my God, I can't do it.
15:52Do you know how to play guitar?
15:56I hate the face when my guitars pretend
15:58they're thinking about something.
16:00Look.
16:02Shut up.
16:04Taylor? Hello, hello?
16:06Everyone, this is Taylor H,
16:08contestant number two.
16:10Really hoping she's just here for the money, but either way, I'm not here to judge.
16:12Not here to judge.
16:14We're excited to get into this date.
16:16Sweet.
16:18I'm feeling fine.
16:20Feeling better than yesterday.
16:22I'm going to try and go into this with a little more of a positive attitude than yesterday.
16:24It's cold as fuck in here, by the way.
16:28Hello.
16:30How are you?
16:32These are for you.
16:34Nice to meet you.
16:36Have a seat.
16:38So you came in from Detroit.
16:40Not bad.
16:42Not bad. So good. Easy drive.
16:44Yeah, super good.
16:46Last night, late, staying at a friend's, my roommate from college.
16:48You have a place to stay here.
16:50Alright, that's good.
16:52This is going great.
16:54He's crushing this.
16:56She's a great conversationalist.
16:58Oh, good start.
17:00Hey, everybody.
17:02I'm here for the serenading.
17:04How's it going, Dave?
17:06Dinner and a show.
17:08This is my favorite little show.
17:12Is this good?
17:14That's all I got.
17:16Show me your favorite tune.
17:18I will.
17:20Okay, let's do it right now.
17:22Show me right now.
17:24What's your favorite song?
17:26Let's see.
17:28Are we in tune here, Dave?
17:30Oh, he's being sexy.
17:32Alright, ready?
17:34There's a port
17:36On a western bay
17:38He serves
17:40A hundred ships a day
17:42A lonely sailor
17:44Has to time away
17:46Talking about
17:48Getting home
17:50And there's a girl
17:52In this harbor town
17:54And she works
17:56Paying the whiskey down
17:58They say
18:00Taylor, fetch another round
18:02She serves them
18:04Whiskey and wine
18:06The sailors say
18:08Lady Taylor
18:10You're a fine girl
18:12What a good life you would be
18:16But my life, my love
18:18And my lady
18:20Is the sea
18:24There you go.
18:26Wow.
18:28I'm going to let you two be.
18:30You want to keep it?
18:32No, that's yours for now.
18:34It was fun. I had a good time.
18:36It's a hard thing to figure out
18:38what somebody's all about
18:40in a situation like this.
18:42So, all things considered, I had a good time.
18:44She was witty, fun, got the joke.
18:46She was an enjoyable girl.
18:48I had a good time.
18:50I think it was good.
18:52I think that went about as well as it could.
18:54I think we were a little more entertaining
18:56than yesterday.
18:58Everything went good.
19:00I think it was good.
19:03Oh, God.
19:07Doing my job.
19:09Yeah, I'm excited
19:11for it to be wrapped.
19:13But it should be a fun ending.
19:15A happy ending?
19:17No, I don't think so.
19:19So, if you had to rate both days?
19:21Out of ten?
19:23Based on the looks?
19:25Day one was a two.
19:27And then yesterday was like
19:29a seven, five.
19:32So, today are you looking for A cup
19:34personality, B cup
19:36personality, double D cup
19:38personality?
19:40This is why I don't enjoy
19:42the youths of today.
19:44It's all about the physical.
19:46I was just asking.
19:48Are you nervous?
19:50More nervous to fool myself
19:52than anything else.
19:54I told my friends,
19:56I feel like I forgot words.
19:58Hey, y'all. I'm Mason.
20:00I'm from Montgomery, Alabama, but I recently moved back to Chicago.
20:02I don't know why I chose to do this,
20:04but I'm here now.
20:06So, I'm really excited.
20:08I said earlier, I love to win,
20:10but I hate to lose.
20:12And I hate to lose more than I love to win.
20:14So, let's see what happens.
20:16Nice to meet you.
20:18These are for you.
20:20Day three, big finale.
20:22How are we feeling?
20:24How are you feeling?
20:26I'm feeling good.
20:28Day four
20:30Day five
20:32Day six
20:34Day seven
20:36Day eight
20:38Day nine
20:40Day 10
20:42Day 11
20:44Day 12
20:46Day 13
20:48Day 14
20:50Day 15
20:52Day 16
20:54Day 17
20:56All right, so we're doing the Malice in Gating show.
21:00I've been watching from afar, and Kate decided to throw in a wrinkle today, where I am going
21:05to interfere with Jake and Mason's date, and I'm going to try and just rizz up Mason, and
21:10see how much I can compliment her, and, you know, just pull out as many pick-up lines
21:14as I can, so we're gonna go do that, and we'll see how it goes.
21:17Oh!
21:18You're new!
21:19How's it going?
21:20Hey!
21:21What's up, man?
21:22Hey, what's up?
21:23You were not wearing that cool guy fit earlier.
21:24What are you talking about?
21:26I just wanted to come see how the date was going.
21:27You look gorgeous, by the way.
21:28Thank you!
21:29You look amazing.
21:30I know you were talking about dogs.
21:31I got this for your dog.
21:32Thank you so much!
21:33It's a dog treat.
21:34I have some toys for you.
21:35Again, you look amazing.
21:37I just wanted to put that out there.
21:38Did you compliment her on her outfit?
21:39I actually haven't yet.
21:40Oh, okay.
21:41Yeah, you're doing that.
21:42You know, while we're at it, do you have, like, an astrology sign?
21:45Like, what's your birthday?
21:46Wait, wait, no, actually!
21:47Is it October 10th?
21:48No.
21:49Good guess, though.
21:50That's a good guess.
21:5110 out of 10.
21:5210, 10.
21:54All right, bye now.
21:55Thank you, Conor.
21:56You look great.
21:58Conor's very much single, if you were wondering.
21:59First thoughts, good.
22:00Very sweet girl from the South.
22:01Very bubbly, I would say is a good word to use.
22:02And a big sweetheart.
22:03She's very nice.
22:04It's going to be a very weird thing to do to pick a winner at the end of this.
22:05I'm not looking forward to that.
22:06Hey, guys.
22:07Hi!
22:08Oh, they're coming in here?
22:09Oh, wait.
22:10Yep.
22:11Oh, my gosh.
22:12Oh, my gosh.
22:13Oh, my gosh.
22:14Oh, my gosh.
22:15Oh, my gosh.
22:16Oh, my gosh.
22:17Oh, my gosh.
22:18Oh, my gosh.
22:19Oh, my gosh.
22:20Oh, my gosh.
22:21Oh, my gosh.
22:22Oh, wait.
22:23Yep.
22:24Oh, my gosh.
22:25This is awkward.
22:26Where do we go?
22:27Okay, well, see you guys.
22:28If either of you were to win, would you take the date or the money?
22:31This one, I think, money.
22:34Oh, see, I'm the only one from here.
22:36I would take the date.
22:37It's true.
22:38If his vibe is very much, oh, my gosh, I can't wait for this to be done, I can't wait for
22:42this to be finished, then show us the money.
22:46Yeah.
22:47Exactly.
22:48Erica K., first date.
22:49dates. I thought it was a very unfair hand that you were dealt. I thought that
22:53I was very nervous and closed the first time that we hung out, which definitely
23:00was mainly my fault instead of your fault. Taylor, loved your Sora whole vibe.
23:06Haki was very cool, liked what you do, loved that you're, you know, family from
23:11Michigan, the whole thing. You were very family-oriented and you had a good, I
23:16hate that I'm doing this, this is so awkward. You're family-oriented, you love where you're from, you're proud of where you're from, and you love what you do, and I very much appreciated that. That was very awesome to see.
23:24And Mason, loved the accent, loved the Southern backstory. This is so
23:32awkward. I think it's very cool, your job, what you do, and I love that you kind of
23:37are very proud of that and that you're very into it. So I now have to write down
23:42my winner, which I don't really know if I have right now, and give it to Jacob, and then I'm
23:46gonna go sit in the other room. So where do I write this down?
24:01The winner. Mason! Shut up! You won a win. Oh, thank you! Alright, so here's the deal. I hope I didn't get paint on you. Have a seat.
24:10I don't know if they were lying to me or if they were telling me the truth, but
24:14they said that we have a couple minutes in here with no microphones so they can
24:18see us. Zero percent chance. There's a mic on top of that camera. Well, that's fair, yes.
24:23What if we go on $1,000 a day. I feel like that's a lot of money. And give $1,000
24:31to the North Carolina Relief. So why don't we go on a couple hundred dollar
24:36day and the rest of it can go to that. We go on a normal day? Yeah, I feel like that's ridiculous. Wait, Big Cat already offered up his season tickets. We'll just go to a hockey game. Exactly. There you go.
24:46Yeah, it went as well as I think it could have gone. I am happy with how it ended. Made me incredibly uncomfortable at times, but overall, I had fun. I'll never do it again, but I'm glad I did it.
25:15I definitely think I learned to be a little less judgy off the top. I think that a lot of the times with these women, I have an immediate reason to not like them. I think that I have sort of softened that side of me up a little bit. But, it's over now, so I had a good time.
25:35So, we went to see the Joker with Eddie and them. I got face painted all the way up and get to the theater. So, I washed my face off and kept the green hair and went to the movie.