Veep Season 2 Episode 5 Helsinki
Veep Season 2 Episode 5 Helsinki
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00:00It was a lighthearted song at an informal event.
00:18Yeah, she's going to apologize to Europe because it's right up there with the bubonic plague
00:22and the carpet bombing at Dresden.
00:24Tommy.
00:25Hi, Amy.
00:26Yeah.
00:27Ignore Dan, he's hormonal.
00:31This song is funny because it's the opposite of her views on Europe.
00:36Drinks when I get back?
00:37Okay.
00:38You can do it like Mike.
00:40Yeah, I don't want to be like Mike, okay?
00:42Even Mike doesn't want to be like Mike.
00:44You should call him.
00:45And we need to keep the veep away from regular people and their awkward questions.
00:49So while she's in Helsinki, just keep her out of Helsinki.
00:51Yeah, wonderful.
00:52She gave me a Leviathan with fewer pockets.
00:56So what's the latest?
00:57They're burning effigies of me in the Balkans.
00:59Look at you and your jammies.
01:02I need Ambien.
01:04All right.
01:05What?
01:06This is Cipro.
01:07I don't have a urinary infection.
01:08Oh my gosh.
01:09Listen to this.
01:13The climate here is very cold, but the reception here is very warm.
01:21It's almost there.
01:22Yeah.
01:23Isn't it great?
01:24Yes, this is.
01:25Yeah.
01:26Wait.
01:27Kerry.
01:28Yeah.
01:29Did you get my...
01:30Please don't make that face.
01:32You know I only do this when I go abroad.
01:34Come on.
01:35It's just the last time you stopped, you were so open.
01:37Listen, I really do need my little soldiers.
01:41I need my flaming redheads.
01:43I don't understand.
01:46So what's going on?
01:48How's the song going over in Finland?
01:51Some paper is calling you the urophobic Khaleesi from DC.
01:56Urophobic?
01:57Seriously?
01:58What is that supposed to mean?
01:59I'm scared of subtitles?
02:00Mike, you got the summary of the 2008 swing state modeling?
02:08Uh, not yet, but I do have a summary of the summary that's great.
02:12So...
02:13Hey, Dan.
02:14How's it hanging, Mike?
02:15It's fucking insane here.
02:16It's like a math prison.
02:17They rape you with numbers.
02:18Mike, what's your voter registration ETA?
02:19Imminent.
02:20Alright, Mike, listen.
02:21Just tell me one thing.
02:22How do you do that fozzy, bare, happy guy, waka-waka bullshit to get the press to like
02:23you?
02:24Oh, you want to learn to McClintock, huh?
02:25Remember, it's a performance.
02:26You have to pretend that you're charming.
02:27It doesn't matter if the jokes are weak.
02:28Keep it loose.
02:29Deliberately bad jokes.
02:30That's kind of genius.
02:31Explains a lot.
02:32Call Dickhead.
02:33I don't know.
02:34Call Dickhead.
02:35Call Dickhead.
02:36Call Dickhead.
02:37Call Dickhead.
02:38Call Dickhead.
02:39Call Dickhead.
02:40Call Dickhead.
02:41Call Dickhead.
02:42Call Dickhead.
02:43Call Dickhead.
02:44Call Dickhead.
02:45Call Dickhead.
02:46Call Dickhead.
02:47Call Dickhead.
02:48Call Dickhead.
02:49West Wing.
02:50Jonah.
02:51Hey, Jonah.
02:52It's Mike.
02:53I need you to come over here and explain this dream metric to me.
02:54Oh, bingo.
02:55Looking for that.
02:56Okay, so you want J-Rock to come down there and spit some wicked wisdom in your ear.
02:57Is that what I'm hearing, Mike?
02:58Look, if you do this, I will get you back in as the Veep's resident creep.
02:59Alright, well, if I come down there, Mike, people are going to wonder why I'm not in
03:00Europe.
03:01Don't worry, buddy.
03:02I can cover for you.
03:03Remember, I lie for a living.
03:04Yeah, but you don't do it well enough.
03:05You don't do it well enough.
03:06You don't do it well enough.
03:07You don't do it well enough.
03:08You don't do it well enough.
03:10I realize it's below freezing here in Helsinki, but I certainly am touched by the very warm
03:29welcome we've received this evening.
03:31Thank you very much.
03:32Thanks.
03:33Do you have any comment on the song?
03:34Mr. Vice President, would you have made jokes like that about the Middle East?
03:40Guys, we really appreciate you coming out, but let's save the autographs for tomorrow.
03:44Is she going to apologize?
03:45The Vice President is here.
03:47To apologize?
03:48You're a long way from home, eh?
03:49This is really the line of questioning you want to follow?
03:51Yeah, you're a long way from home, mate.
03:52Okay, well, the Vice President is here to sign a trade agreement and forge a very important
03:58friendship between two great nations.
03:59Okay.
04:00Press avail tomorrow.
04:02At which point, I'll perform a little street magic for you.
04:06Okay?
04:07So you guys all think of a card.
04:08I'm thinking nine of hearts.
04:10I'm thinking a joker.
04:15That was cold and hostile.
04:17I'm sure we didn't overshoot and land in Russia in the 1950s.
04:23Yeah, what was with that British reporter?
04:25I know.
04:26You do not want one of those on your back.
04:28They will sell nude pics of their grandmothers for a glass of hot beer.
04:31By the way, that is not the way Mike would have handled that back then at the airport.
04:36Okay?
04:37Yeah, well, if Mike were here, we would have spent the entire flight watching him do scratch
04:40her lotto tickets going, oh, so close, every time he lost.
04:44Could we just?
04:45Yeah, I miss Mike.
04:47Oh, look, that's nice.
04:49It's got a smiley face on it.
04:52Selena!
04:54You looking for 50 ways to leave Helsinki?
04:58Okay, guys, thank you very much.
05:00We're not taking any questions tonight.
05:01We got some iPads to recharge, but we'll see you in the morning.
05:04Okay, thank you.
05:05Just get in the jeep, babe!
05:09Hey, relax, old-timer.
05:10Cavalry's here.
05:11We have to summarize all this for the layman.
05:14Jesus, Mike, this is so basic.
05:17This is like high school all over again.
05:19Holy shit, grandpa, you probably still get your porn from magazines.
05:23Mike, sub the data principles to 500, 100, and 20 word versions.
05:30Jonah?
05:31Yes, sir?
05:32Well, this is an unexpected permutation.
05:35Mike?
05:40Um, Vice President thought Jonah's talents might be better served...
05:43Yeah, we're supposed to inform Congress of covert operations.
05:47Now, this isn't a choice like my diet.
05:50This is a necessity like my drinking.
05:52I am going to be taking soundings over the next 24 hours.
05:55The National Security Advisor is running around like he's got eagles flying out of his dick.
06:00All this melodrama really explains your three divorces.
06:04Well, I'd like to divorce your head from your fucking neck.
06:07Do it.
06:08All right, listen, Mike, I need you...
06:12How many lunch breaks can one guy take?
06:14So I just got an email from Sue.
06:16Something's really got him jumping at the White House.
06:18Okay, well, you need to go and apologize for the song, okay?
06:21And, uh, don't make any jokes, okay, Dan?
06:24Because with your face, when you attempt to be charming, it really does come off as evil.
06:31Yeah.
06:32You doing okay?
06:33Did you get the, uh...
06:36Ooh, they got pears.
06:37I don't want fruit.
06:39Did you get them?
06:40Yes, I got them, I got them.
06:45Oh, come on.
06:46It's a small bag.
06:48Are you complaining about this gift?
06:50No, I'm not, I'm not.
06:51It's not a small bag.
06:52Your hands are large.
06:54My dad always said I had ladies' hands.
06:56Well...
06:57I got them.
06:58Oh, goody.
07:00Yep.
07:01Feels so nasty.
07:08Wow.
07:11Don't give me that Quaker in a titty bar look.
07:13Seriously, don't.
07:17Here we go, Ken's given Barbie to slip.
07:19Okay, guys, um...
07:21To those who may have misinterpreted the song, we, to them, offer apologies.
07:25Uh, especially, uh, our most gracious host, the Prime Minister of Finland.
07:31So what's going on back there?
07:33All I know is the Secretary of Defense has been in to see Kent.
07:36I must go to sleep now, Amy.
07:38I'm on your time.
07:39Hell synchronized.
07:41Yeah, well, I feel like I'm on two time zones at the same time.
07:44I might be the first woman ever to have parallel periods.
07:46You got to go to Europe, Amy.
07:48And I'm in my bedroom.
07:50Sean, you need to come to bed now.
07:52And lower your expectations.
07:54We will just be sleeping.
07:56It's not a crisis.
07:58Despite your standard-issue hysterical washer-woman reaction, it's really not.
08:03Lives are at risk.
08:05You know lives.
08:06Like what you had before they made you king of the undead.
08:08Your idea of crisis management is screaming,
08:10We're fucked!
08:12Bury me!
08:13We're fucked!
08:14Bury me!
08:21Okay, it's Hiva Suomi.
08:22Hiva Suomi.
08:23Let's go, Finland.
08:24Okay, Hiva Suomi.
08:26And is the song thing shut down?
08:28Oh, yeah. Bullet in the head on Mark Grant.
08:30Oh.
08:31Madam Vice President.
08:33Madam Prime Minister.
08:35I am delighted to welcome you to Finland.
08:38Thank you. And please call me Selina.
08:41Selina?
08:42Yes?
08:44Excuse me?
08:45What?
08:46Shall we begin?
08:47Oh, yes.
08:48Yes.
08:49Would you like to lead the way?
08:51Yes, yes.
08:52Would you like to go first?
08:53No, we can go together.
08:54In tandem?
08:55Yes.
08:56We shall go.
08:57I have a gift for you.
09:00We hope that when you come to our country, you will go fishing.
09:04Because no one will feed me?
09:07Because you love fishing.
09:09I don't, actually.
09:11How baffling.
09:12No, but it is still a beautiful gift.
09:16We also have a gift for you of famous Finnish birds.
09:21Oh.
09:22Oh, my goodness.
09:24Oh, my.
09:26Oh, I have it.
09:29What a lovely clock with unusual birds.
09:34Angry birds.
09:37And why is it so angry?
09:40Because it wants to destroy all of the pigs.
09:45Oh, of course.
09:47The angry birds.
09:48It is an app.
09:49The app.
09:50It is a computer game.
09:51Absolutely.
09:52It is a successful Finnish export that we give to you to reflect Finland's place as a pioneer
09:58of software innovation.
10:00Indeed.
10:01I'm a huge fan.
10:02You have played it.
10:03Yes.
10:04Yes.
10:05Yes.
10:06Although violence in games is a concern.
10:09But in this case, it's great fun to kill the pigs.
10:15In a game, of course.
10:20Finland is a tough country.
10:27The inscription?
10:33Yes.
10:34Yes.
10:35It reads, Finland, you are hefty.
10:41That is the wrong word.
10:44Oh.
10:45Yes, it is ironic, no?
10:47Because Americans have a much greater body mass index than the Finns.
10:52Ah, which is why I have recently launched my Get Moving campaign, which is aimed specifically
11:00at the obese and the morbidly obese.
11:08Why do you hate numbers so much?
11:11Oh, God, you weren't molested by your math teacher, were you?
11:14Let's go in here.
11:16Oh.
11:17Hey, Mike.
11:19Hello.
11:22Hi, Kent.
11:23We have a problem, Mike.
11:24I'm going to get you a stat summary ASAP, sir.
11:26I am a metric dream weaver, sir.
11:28This is not a dream metric issue.
11:30Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron?
11:33Fire-rimmed, all-seeing eye from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.
11:38I think I caught it on a plane once.
11:40The Eye of Sauron is the near-perfect analog for the modern media.
11:44If we can draw the eye to Helsinki, then it won't be looking at what's going on here.
11:50And what is exactly going on here?
11:53I cannot tell you that, Mike.
11:55Is Selina Gollum?
11:57Oh, no, no, no. Enough of the ears, Will.
12:00Is what's going on what I think is going on, Kent?
12:03Are you working as a hat-check girl now?
12:05Oh, great.
12:06Did you see that?
12:07The attorney fucking general.
12:09Look, we all know that the lie is worse than the crime.
12:14Look, you're not in your head, but you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
12:18The song. It's Close Your Ears, Mike.
12:21One of the hostages in Uzbekistan was a spy.
12:25Now, some people knew and didn't bother to inform Congress.
12:29Other people, like Selina, did not know.
12:31She went on record denying that there was a spy.
12:34So, for the next 13 months, we're gonna play Who Knew What When.
12:39And some of us are gonna go off on the lecture circuit.
12:42And some of us are gonna go off to prison.
12:45Now you can shake your head.
12:48Christ, I hate knowledge.
12:50May I introduce, please, my husband, Osmo Haukinen.
12:55How do you do?
12:57Oh, how lovely.
13:00That hasn't happened in Washington since 1835.
13:03It is a pleasure to meet you.
13:05Although I'm a little bit disappointed you've not serenaded us.
13:08Ah, the song.
13:10Well, I hope you realize that that was entirely unjust.
13:13Yes. In fact, it is the presumption of offense that has offended me.
13:18Oh, well, no offense was intended.
13:21But your communications director apologized specifically to me.
13:25This gives the impression that I am somehow humorless or petty.
13:28I am neither.
13:29She is neither.
13:30No, she is neither.
13:31Would you please excuse us for just one moment?
13:34Yes?
13:35For a minute?
13:36Yeah.
13:39So that song, unlike your career as communications director, will not die.
13:44So now you must go and apologize for the apology.
13:49Yes, ma'am.
13:50Why are you still standing right here?
13:53Oh, here he comes. Virgin Atlantic.
13:56Okay, guys.
13:58I want to apologize for suggesting that the prime minister may have been somehow personally offended by the song.
14:07That's on me. That's my bad.
14:08You're going to be apologizing for this in about an hour or so.
14:12Sorry?
14:13No, that was quick.
14:19We should keep this causing offense and then apology cycle going.
14:24Oh.
14:25You could step on my dress. I could sneeze in your drink.
14:28It's funny.
14:29It's funny. I could say you have a weird shaped head.
14:32Which, of course, you don't. You have an ideal head.
14:36Madam Prime Minister, but I'm very relieved that you have a sense of humor about it.
14:41Oh, the Finns are famous for their sense of humor.
14:44Oh.
14:45Do you know the work of Akiko Husmeike?
14:48Oh, the tennis player.
14:50No.
14:51No.
14:52No.
14:53I'm joking.
14:54I'm joking now, in fact.
14:55We in America are also famous for our sense of humor.
14:58Yes.
14:59But seriously, you know, I'm so pleased about the agreement that we were able to sign today.
15:04Ah.
15:05Don't take it.
15:06Don't take it.
15:07In Finnish it means I'm sorry.
15:09But the press have added the.
15:13Oh, no.
15:14To make don't take it.
15:16Don't take it.
15:17Do you get it?
15:18Very amusing.
15:19You know, the Finns are known for their sense of humor.
15:22Clearly, yeah.
15:23Don't take it.
15:24I need to apologize to you in advance.
15:27Because I think that this is going to be the never ending sorry.
15:34Yes.
15:37As opposed to story.
15:39Yes.
15:40Yes.
15:42It's a wonderful country.
15:50Good evening.
15:51Office of the Vice President.
15:52It's 2 p.m., Sue.
15:54Are you on antipsychotics or in Helsinki?
15:56I need you to engorge the BP schedule.
15:58I want her charming Helsinki people.
16:01You want me to pad the VIP schedule?
16:03Why, sir?
16:04POTUS wants handshaken and old women grinned at.
16:07Please accept the necessity of this as brute fact.
16:11Ever since we got here, all I've been doing is apologizing.
16:14Okay, I've been apologizing for canceling events.
16:16Then apologizing for putting them back on.
16:18Then apologizing for apologizing.
16:19I mean, I'm a fucking laughing stock.
16:21If you burst into tears, stay away from this dress.
16:26Mike.
16:27Amy.
16:28Remember how we said that none of the students was a spy?
16:31Because if one of them was a spy,
16:33it would have endangered the lives of the other three who were not spies.
16:36Turns out one of them was a spy.
16:38Everything okay?
16:39Hey, Dante.
16:41Amy.
16:42Hello.
16:43Still there?
16:44Fucking prick.
16:45Um, the president told the VIP that was bullshit,
16:48and she's on record saying that's bullshit.
16:51Just keep her away from the press.
16:53She's already on lockdown because of the song.
16:55Shall I put her in an iron mask?
16:57Yeah.
16:58Great idea.
16:59Would you be offended if I just had a quick word with the finance minister?
17:03Oh, no, not at all.
17:05Nina.
17:08Your wife is so lovely.
17:10Yes, I'm quite a fortunate man.
17:12Well, you are.
17:13What a lovely thing to say.
17:14I'm dying for a smoke.
17:16Oh, yeah, boy.
17:17Tell me about it.
17:18I could use a cigarette myself.
17:20I don't suppose that you...
17:22Yes, that would be wonderful.
17:24This is my bagman, Gary Walsh.
17:26This is the prime minister's husband, Osmo Hakkinen.
17:31I believe in Finland, bagman is Kasi.
17:35Yes.
17:37Well, I'll see you outside.
17:39Yes, yes.
17:40Thank you very much.
17:41Ooh, that impressed him.
17:42Yeah.
17:43Okay, this is cigarette number six for you.
17:45Okay, you need to calm the fuck down, Judge Judy.
17:48I've been negotiating my ass off all day.
17:51And it's number five, by the way.
17:52I just want to avoid an incident.
17:54The Finns are very anti-smoking.
17:57Cool it, Kasi.
18:03Mm.
18:05That's a relief.
18:07Yes.
18:08I think it's just wonderful how supportive you are of Mina's career, her job, you know?
18:13Oh, well, it's only the prime minister of Finland.
18:17You know, less power than the mayor of Cleveland.
18:21Your secret service look about as tough as mine, I have to say.
18:24You've got to get them to fight.
18:28Although, seeing as these cigarettes are the thing that's most likely going to kill me, I'm surprised that my secrets...
18:38Jesus.
18:43Hey.
18:44Hey, I got you some breath fresheners.
18:46I got you some Altoids, I got you some gum.
18:48Gary.
18:50My boob.
18:52What?
18:53He grabbed it.
18:55What?
18:56I'm the vice president of the United States of America.
19:00He just squeezed my tit like a balloon.
19:03Mm-mm.
19:04Mm-mm.
19:05Okay.
19:07I'm going to go mess him up.
19:09Just, just let me know.
19:10Oh, Selina?
19:13Are you quite feeling all right?
19:15You're very pale.
19:16Perhaps you should go to the courtyard, get some fresh air?
19:19No, thank you.
19:20No?
19:21No.
19:23This is, um, Erky.
19:25Oh.
19:26He is our head of economic development.
19:29Yes.
19:30He has only two anecdotes, neither of them is worth hearing.
19:33Hey, ma'am.
19:35Um, I just got a text from the White House.
19:37Ah.
19:38Nothing bad, I hope.
19:39Just a major violation of a border.
19:43You get it in a text?
19:45Yeah.
19:46Mm-hmm, yeah.
19:47I guess it's from my husband saying I'm being laid home again.
19:51Might want to...
19:52Yeah.
19:53Mm-hmm.
19:54Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe, just breathe.
19:57Oh, my God.
19:58Did you see?
19:59How could you not?
20:00Did you see this?
20:01Yes, yes.
20:02All right, I'm going to get you some water.
20:04He looks like a Disney villain.
20:06Excuse me.
20:07Vasi, Vasi?
20:08Okay.
20:09Jesus, Gary.
20:11You look leukemic.
20:12I always do.
20:13That's my look.
20:14Yeah, well, you were rocking that look pretty hard tonight, my friend.
20:17Quite a night.
20:18I'll fucking say.
20:21Did Gary just text you?
20:24Gary knows?
20:25Yeah.
20:26Jesus, Mike's gone viral.
20:28Mike?
20:30We're talking about POTUS lying about the spy.
20:33What?
20:34What?
20:35He what?
20:36He fucking what?
20:37What'd you tell her?
20:38He told me those rumors weren't true.
20:42Can you believe that monster?
20:45Wait, wait, wait.
20:46What'd you say?
20:47What happened?
20:48He pooped her.
20:49He pooped her.
20:50POTUS groped you?
20:51No, POTUS wouldn't have the balls to grope me.
20:53She knew and he lied.
20:55Wait, wait, wait.
20:56Knew what?
20:57Lied about what?
20:58POTUS knew that the student was a spy and didn't inform the congressional intel committees.
21:03Shit.
21:04Shit.
21:05What were you talking about?
21:06Osmo groped me.
21:09What?
21:10Shit.
21:12We need to rain down the full might of our nuclear arsenal on Finland.
21:16Uh-huh.
21:17That's the other thing I forgot to tell you.
21:20We're going to blow up Finland.
21:23Can I help you?
21:24Where the fuck have you been?
21:25Oh, don't tell me.
21:26You've been polling.
21:27You know, I bet when you take a crap, it actually comes out as a number two.
21:31Listen, we've got to tell the president that he has to admit that this student was a spy.
21:36I'm still collating whether admitting is the best course.
21:39I can't believe you're still checking the fucking wind direction.
21:42I need more time before the truth can emerge in such a...
21:46Congressman Furlong?
21:47Yeah, the blank looks are not going to play here, all right?
21:50You two have been caught with your balls in grandma's mouth.
21:52Everybody's talking about it up on the hill.
21:54I know what I know.
21:55I don't know what you think you know.
21:58Screw you and your Confucius grasshopper bullshit, all right?
22:02Everybody's going to know.
22:03That's just the way these things go.
22:05Now, people think POTUS lied about that kid being a spy.
22:08I want to know what you two spunk junkies proposed we do about it.
22:13Sorry, Ken.
22:14I just had a quick question about middle.
22:16Oh, do they know?
22:17Laurel and Retardi?
22:19I'll tell you what, Mike.
22:20I need you to add these summaries to the rollout overview, okay?
22:26Oh, round two.
22:27Well...
22:28Senator Doyle.
22:29Gentlemen, gentlemen.
22:31Well, I hope I get my five free punches.
22:34I'm the fucking chair of Senate Intel,
22:36which means that I'm supposed to be informed of any covert action.
22:40We're all on the same team here, right?
22:43Right, team fuck-up.
22:44Yeah, I got my membership card here somewhere.
22:46I can't find it.
22:47You need to look at the bigger picture.
22:48Oh, I've seen the bigger picture.
22:50Shows POTUS lying to the American people.
22:52I'm telling you, this is not just a crisis.
22:54This is at least ten years of Oliver Stone movies.
22:59Yeah, not the good ones, not Platoon.
23:01I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you, Kent?
23:03Seriously, when you pulled the pin out,
23:05you're supposed to throw the grenade away.
23:07You don't stick it up your own freaking ass.
23:10And I'd like to see.
23:12I need a cigarette.
23:13Oh, God.
23:14No, not oh, God.
23:15Just get me the goddamn cigarette.
23:17The president, the one I support,
23:20the one that I am loyal to as my job,
23:25lies to me, right?
23:27Mm-hmm.
23:28Okay.
23:29What?
23:30After I apologized for apologizing,
23:32I started to put meet-the-people events back in your schedule.
23:35Cancel them all and apologize for canceling.
23:38Oh, Jesus.
23:39More apologizing?
23:40Really?
23:41I apologize less after I bang my brother's fiance.
23:43What are you bitching about?
23:45Are you kidding?
23:46I'm the one who's under pressure.
23:48Get it together, lady.
23:50What about the grope?
23:52I mean, come on.
23:54That is an attack on America.
23:56Yeah.
23:57All right?
23:58That's like a sexual 9-11, in my opinion.
24:01Yeah.
24:02You know?
24:03Or a sexual Cuban Missile Crisis, at the least.
24:05That's right.
24:06It's not like we can go public about the grope.
24:08It would define you.
24:09Right.
24:10Your tit being fondled by a fin would be all you're remembered for.
24:14Yeah.
24:15You can't build a statue on that.
24:17That's right.
24:18Nobody can know about this, all right?
24:21Especially Kent.
24:22Oh, yeah.
24:23And why is that?
24:24Because he's going to use it against me.
24:26A grope matrix?
24:27Right.
24:28Because he's a man.
24:31Because this is a man's world that we live in.
24:37Because of the axis of Dick.
24:54This fish is delicious.
24:56What is this fish?
24:58It is chicken.
25:00The breast?
25:01Yes.
25:02In America, we actually call fish chicken of the sea.
25:07I love fish.
25:09Some men do not like the taste.
25:12I do.
25:16Oh, thank you.
25:18Well, Madam Prime Minister, I don't believe I've had a chance to introduce you to Gary Walsh.
25:23No.
25:24No, you have not.
25:25Yeah, I'm the VP's bag man.
25:27Which I believe in Finland you say, Kasi?
25:30Excuse me?
25:32I'm a Kasi?
25:38Where did you get this translation from?
25:40I have a Finnish friend in D.C. who works at the embassy, and she gave me lessons before I came.
25:46You see, Kasi is bag, but it's not bag man.
25:52It is a man bag, you know?
25:56It is a container?
25:58It is a testicle container?
26:03Don't feel ashamed, Gary, because of course you're not a ball sack.
26:08And not everyone can say that they're not, excuse me, I'm so sorry, a ball sack.
26:15Not even everyone at this very table.
26:19Kent wants me to add these regional summaries from the thumb drive.
26:24How do you add?
26:25Command A, Albrecht.
26:27I always thought it was Control A.
26:28Okay, here we go.
26:31Send.
26:33Shit, maybe it was Control A.
26:35I think you might have selected all and set everything that was on the thumb drive.
26:39That's what you told me to do.
26:41No, I didn't.
26:42You said Command A.
26:43No, I said Control A, you just couldn't hear me because you didn't have your ear trumpet.
26:49I feel like I want to burn this thing. Can I burn the computer?
26:51Why would you burn that, Mike?
26:55Mike?
26:57Excuse me.
27:00What's up?
27:01We just sent out Kent's polling consultation on the spy.
27:05What spy?
27:06One of the hostages was a spy.
27:10Oh, fuck you, Mike.
27:12You're career poison, do you know that?
27:14Jesus, that's why you like sailing.
27:16Because you're a fucking anchor, dragging promising careers down to the bottom of the fucking ocean.
27:22It was just phase one stuff, sample questions like, what if the president lied?
27:26But not that, that sounds bad.
27:28It was more coded, which still is bad.
27:32Yeah.
27:35I mean, it would have gotten out anyway, right?
27:38No, this is the internet age, nothing stays a secret.
27:40Yeah, yeah, and it's DC.
27:42It's DC, everybody here talks.
27:44Yeah, look, all we got to do is stay calm.
27:46We just got to stay calm.
27:47Keep asking, avoid anything.
27:49No, it doesn't work like that.
27:51If you'd see the way I... Mike, hold up.
27:53If you'd see the way I framed the question, you'd understand that.
27:56Well, tell that to Oprah when you mount your comeback.
27:58I mean, you sent it to me, and every second, Bozo in the building.
28:02No, I didn't.
28:03What the fuck were you thinking?
28:04Look, you marked it highly confidential, thereby guaranteeing that this thing is going to go viral.
28:11The vice president was groped by the Finnish prime minister's husband.
28:15What?
28:17Why are you telling me that? That's just weird.
28:19Yeah, it's really unfortunate. Was that up in the hills or down in the valley?
28:24Sir, I was thinking the eye of Sauron, you know, keep the focus on Helsinki.
28:29Sailing.
28:30Well, congratulations, Kent, you just bought down this presidency.
28:36Well, the weather here in Helsinki has been hellishly cold.
28:42Kent's phone line data got emailed.
28:44I'm going to spy live just for the public.
28:47Okay, we're pulling out. Let's go. Shortest Q&A ever.
28:53Uh, guys, okay, we got some weather to contend with, so we only have time for three questions.
28:57You will be hearing from me.
28:58Yes.
28:59Yes.
29:00Yes.
29:01Goodbye.
29:02Goodbye.
29:03Two more questions.
29:04Was the visit about the agreement or the song?
29:07We are very pleased about the agreement, and we are agreed on that, and that was actually two questions, so I'm afraid we gotta go.
29:13Where I come from, we kill people for looking at us funny.
29:18We waterboard folks who haven't even done anything.
29:21And you raped my tit.
29:24Oh.
29:25Yeah, you did.
29:27So, I'm coming for you.
29:29Cause I'm an angry bird right now.
29:33And you're a pig.
29:35Selina! Selina! You gotta apologize for the spy!
29:39Did the president know that one of the hostages was CIA? Did you know?
29:44I stand with the president.
29:51I stand with the president? Why did I say that?
29:56Can you pretend you didn't say it?
29:57What will people think I mean?
30:00That you stand with the president. I mean, there's not a ton of ambiguity with that one.
30:04Well, who knew that being sexually assaulted wouldn't be the worst thing to happen in my day? Huh? That's something for the memoirs.
30:13I'm never going back there.
30:14Yeah.
30:15Dan Teeksey? I'm sorry. Sorry I ever set foot in that fucking fish eating indie film fucking hellhole.
30:21Oh, come on. Get over it. I told everybody I was a scrotum.
30:26Yeah, you did, didn't you?
30:28It's okay.
30:29Did you hear that?
30:30He's not.
30:32Ma'am, are you okay?
30:35I don't know. I guess so. Sure.
30:39No. I mean, would it be so hard for people not to be assholes?
30:45I wouldn't.
30:50Why are you coughing, ma'am?
30:56Because I caught a cold.
30:59Oh, look. I just found out who that British reporter is. The creepy guy. He was like a noisy fucking ghost, really.
31:05What's his name?
31:06Uh, Dave Wickford.
31:08Dave Wickford?
31:09Yeah, he says he divorced twice. No kids.
31:1457 Twitter followers. That's shit for a journalist.
31:17Yeah.
31:18Europe used to be my favorite continent. Now it's not even in my top five.