Veep Season 6 Episode 2 Library
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00:00Hey, ma'am, I think somebody's coming.
00:12Oh, uh oh.
00:13Oh, Gary.
00:15Oh my god.
00:17Oh my god.
00:19Oh my god.
00:21Oh my god.
00:23Oh my god.
00:25Oh my god.
00:27Oh my god.
00:29Mr. Stevenson.
00:31Enjoying a stroll down memory lane?
00:34Well, I'll tell you something.
00:35If this were my library, I would make sure that people could sit behind the desk.
00:39Can you even have a library?
00:42Seems like it'd be more like a bookmobile.
00:46Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
00:50Oh my goodness, you're so funny.
00:53If only the American people could have known you for your sense of humor
00:57instead of your bizarre indifference to apartheid.
01:01President Stevenson.
01:02Ah, Mr. Splat.
01:03Uh, ma'am, I found one.
01:05You found what?
01:06You told me to find all the pictures of you.
01:07I didn't say that.
01:08Oh, is that your purse?
01:09No.
01:10Let's go and see what else Hughes stole from the West Wing.
01:13You want to?
01:14I think we're about to start this thing.
01:22I don't understand how a guy who never cracked a book can open up a library.
01:26Let me tell you something.
01:27Hughes literally grabbed this child by the day you left office.
01:30Probably juked him down, as Mother used to say,
01:32when she wasn't busy telling me he only picked me as a running mate so that he could look taller.
01:37Oh my God.
01:38Super miles of your height.
01:40It doesn't matter.
01:41She's dead.
01:42Who cares?
01:43Hey, that reminds me.
01:44We need to find a place for Andrew's desk upstairs.
01:46How is an ex-president's ex moving back in when they're going to go over with Small Town America?
01:52Small Town America.
01:53Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.
01:56Oh, whoa.
01:57Ma'am, may I get one with you and the First Ladies?
01:59Oh, absolutely.
02:01No, Mrs. Hughes.
02:02She must be hanging from the rafters somewhere.
02:04Gail!
02:05Don't forget the First House.
02:06Goodness.
02:07You look stunning in white.
02:09Where's La Presidenta?
02:11I believe she is with President Hughes and the other formers taking pictures in front of Air Force One.
02:17Wait, that wasn't on the schedule.
02:18I think it was an impromptu thing.
02:20They just happened to be chatting amongst themselves.
02:23Got it.
02:24So good to see you, former fuckers.
02:27This is as impromptu as a colonoscopy, except with quadruple the assholes.
02:32Are we running from something scary, ma'am?
02:33No.
02:34Richard, you slow down.
02:35It'll look like I'm not running.
02:36Gary, you go fast.
02:37Yep.
02:38Oh, no, that's too fast.
02:41Okay, folks, listen up.
02:45I want a library.
02:47I guess I could give up the gift-wrapping room.
02:49No, no, no.
02:50I want a goddamn, look-at-the-size-of-my-dick, bring-history-to-life presidential library.
02:58I'm the only living president who doesn't have one.
03:01And you want to know why that is?
03:02Because you served less than one year?
03:04No.
03:05Because nobody gives me any respect.
03:08I was a two-term senator.
03:10I was a congresswoman.
03:12A mother.
03:13No.
03:14I was a first woman vice president, and America cannot forget that.
03:19Never forget.
03:20Oh, sorry, that's a holocaust.
03:22Totally forgot.
03:23I need a monument to Selina Meyer.
03:26An institution.
03:27Selina Meyer belongs in an institution.
03:30It was a spa.
03:31Let's do this.
03:32Oh, you know what?
03:33We're on an airplane.
03:34I know that.
03:35What are you thinking about for location?
03:36It's going to be Yale.
03:38Yale has the prestige.
03:40And boys, that's where I went to law school.
03:42So, I mean, Yale's just perfect.
03:43Your outfits alone are going to be a wing.
03:46I know.
03:47Dresses, belts.
03:48Now, look, I want you to start lining up architects.
03:50I want to talk to every Tom, Dick, and Geary out there.
03:53Maybe a female candidate.
03:55Well, we're not redoing a kitchen here, you know?
03:59And we need to tell them that the Kennedy Library is a reference point.
04:03Because, you know, he was also a part-termer.
04:05Right.
04:08Can I bring anything?
04:09Ah, don't bring a thing.
04:10I'm going to make my famous paella Valenciano.
04:12We're looking forward to seeing you and your lovely wife on Saturday.
04:15All right, can't be too safe.
04:17That sweaty pederast has ruined more kids than the common core.
04:21Luckily, Will's anal halitosis renders him completely unboofable.
04:25Tell him why, Will.
04:26I'm fortunate to be odious to all colors of the sexual spectrum.
04:29So, what is it?
04:30Speak, Professor Ex-Gavier.
04:33Minority leader for a lung.
04:34With Congressman Shields' retirement, there's an empty seat on ways and means.
04:38Yeah, let me save you the peanut log
04:40you're about to squeeze out of your face, anus here.
04:43No, you remain in detention on the Ethics Committee
04:46with the rest of the Special Ed Breakfast Club.
04:48Nobody in Congress cares about ethics.
04:51Jonah Ryan needs to make waves.
04:53Dismissed, G.I. Slow.
04:55Yeah, I'm free Saturday night.
04:56I am shocked.
04:57Good luck getting your precious back from those mean hobbits, Smeagol.
05:03Ah, Kent.
05:04Will.
05:05I, uh, I'm so sorry, but, you know, a job's a job.
05:09That's a false equivalent, but I appreciate the sentiment.
05:12The first couple of years are the toughest, but...
05:14Kent! Will!
05:19What is this music, ma'am?
05:20It's Brazilian music. Andrew gave it to me.
05:23Ma'am, could you please stop dancing?
05:24Because I'm just, I'm framing out your hips right now.
05:27You know, you're using an awful lot of paint for down there.
05:30Maybe use it for up here and focus on this.
05:32Oh, yeah, let's give the people what they want.
05:34Okay, that's really...
05:36I'm sorry, that was too much.
05:37Way out of line.
05:38Knock, knock.
05:39Sorry to interrupt.
05:40Can we take five?
05:41Oh, uh, yeah.
05:43Sorry, Helen.
05:44Just five for a second.
05:45No, Gary knows how to do this.
05:46Sorry.
05:47Oh, sorry.
05:48What are you doing?
05:49Oh, damn it.
05:50What is it?
05:51Uh, Lee, I've been rustling the bushes...
05:53Yes?
05:54And it turns out that people are considerably more interested in your library...
05:58than they are in adult literacy or AIDS.
06:01Well, I guess AIDS had a good run.
06:04It did.
06:05Um, I have a Pakistani industrialist friend
06:09who's interested in donating $20 million
06:12if you get his cousin off the no-fly list.
06:14As long as he promises not to blow up my library.
06:17I mean, I don't really give a shit.
06:19Sure.
06:20Okay, Richard?
06:21I've been standing here the entire time, ma'am.
06:23Just trying to keep still in case I'm in the painting.
06:25No, you're not in the painting. Come here.
06:26So, listen, in terms of the library,
06:28I really want to have a reflecting pool someplace
06:31for people to come and sit and reflect
06:33on what this cocksuck of a country did to me.
06:36Uh, my pen's just out of ink.
06:38Let's go.
06:39I'm just gonna scratch it into the paper
06:40and then kind of go back over and trace over
06:42and see what I wrote before, like in a suspense movie.
06:44Also, we heard back from Yale,
06:46and their response was emphatic.
06:48It's a no.
06:49Huh.
06:53Okay, Callan, I'm so sorry.
06:55Can we just take another five?
06:57Gary, I don't know why you keep doing that, because...
07:00Okay, just get back.
07:02What did Yale say?
07:03What did they say exactly?
07:05They said the Sherman Tann's pardon was unsavory
07:08and not in line with the values of Yale.
07:10Uh, then they asked for a donation to their annual fund.
07:12How much did we send?
07:13Okay, who else do we know that went to Yale
07:16that can help us out?
07:17Well, I did. Uh, I caught my R.A.
07:19We're still pretty close.
07:20Okay, well, that's, you know...
07:21Well, your undergrad alma mater, Smith College,
07:23said they were open to exploring.
07:25Just like a Smith girl open to exploring.
07:27Lesbians would really know how to run a library,
07:29I can tell you that much.
07:30You know, it might not be a bad idea.
07:32Woman president, women's college,
07:34three hours from New York.
07:35And the fall foliage is amazing.
07:37You know what, can I just say something?
07:39Fuck Yale University.
07:42Fuck Yale.
07:43Yeah.
07:44Not really comfortable with that kind of language.
07:45Fuck Yale University.
07:46We're going to Smith.
07:47Alan.
07:48Have you guys seen Alan?
07:49Who?
07:50My daughter.
07:51I had to bring her to work today,
07:52and we're playing hide-and-seek,
07:53and now I can't find her.
07:54Um, she looks like I'm going to hide again.
07:56Okay, no, no, we're not hiding anymore.
07:59Oh, she's too much.
08:01How the fuck long was that kid here for?
08:03I think just since today, but you can't be sure.
08:06We about done, you think?
08:08No, we just got started, ma'am.
08:11What?
08:13It may look sunny,
08:15but with temperatures plunging down into the single digits,
08:17the Coney Island Polar Bear Club
08:19is really earning its name this year.
08:21Hey, guys, wait for me.
08:23Yeah.
08:24All right.
08:27Oh!
08:28Oh, my God!
08:30It's great, right?
08:32I don't think this is working.
08:34Well, obviously.
08:35Denise!
08:36Look, I'd cut it.
08:37I'm sure that there are some bored housewives out there
08:40that would enjoy ogling your Walter Cronkite,
08:43but to me, it looks like local morning news
08:45from, I don't know, Delaware.
08:47No, it's so Delaware.
08:48Yeah, of course.
08:49Denise!
08:51Jean, this piece was your idea.
08:53I didn't even want to do it.
08:54Danny, I respect what you are trying to do,
08:56but maybe this isn't the best fit.
08:58Not the best fit the piece,
09:00but not the best fit you and me.
09:02Mostly the piece.
09:04Hey, Jane.
09:05You're late.
09:06Okay.
09:07Honestly, it could have gone worse.
09:09Did you see that?
09:11I was standing right there,
09:12and Furlong didn't invite me
09:14to his little power broker dinner party.
09:16I love paella.
09:17Wives in this town make the social calendar.
09:20Mrs. Furlong likes inviting couples.
09:23Not unregistered sex offenders.
09:25If you want to position yourself for higher office,
09:27long-term, you will need a committed partner,
09:29specifically, a woman.
09:31Now, fuck that dated paradigm.
09:33I am a ballin', bachelor, sexual congressman,
09:37and I will be passing bills by day
09:39and smashing gas by night.
09:41Congressman, being a bachelor in this town
09:42means you're gayer than a TV evangelist.
09:45Goddamn it, I hate homophobia.
09:47If it's any consolation, statistically speaking,
09:50married politicians have more sex
09:52with more single women than single politicians.
09:56Fine.
09:57Find me Mrs. Ryan.
09:59Hey.
10:00Not my mom.
10:04I don't give a damn what people say about Hoyt Steptoe,
10:07but when my opponent spreads lies about my wife,
10:10how dare you, Buddy Calhoun?
10:12How dare you?
10:14No, he isn't.
10:15He's crying.
10:17What a fucking girl!
10:19Can I borrow you for a sec, Miss Brookheimer?
10:22I did not do this.
10:25Absolutely, positively, fine.
10:28I did it.
10:29But that's my job.
10:31I need to clear my head,
10:32because this whole campaign
10:33is not going the way I envisioned it.
10:35Oh, what did you envision, Woody?
10:38That you and Buzz Lightyear would win this election
10:40and Andy would play with you again?
10:43Can you play that back?
10:44I want to see him cry again.
10:47All right, hit CODIS SUV.
10:49Now select playlist.
10:51And voila, there you go.
10:53Oh, I like that.
10:55Hey, who are we meeting with again today?
10:57The president of Smith College, Regina Pell.
11:00Gigi Pell.
11:02That's a blast from the past.
11:04Your college buddies?
11:06No, I don't really remember them.
11:08Also, estimates for construction are coming in at $300 million.
11:12What?
11:13The money's out there,
11:14but we can't get our hands on it right now.
11:16How do you get this to read the texts and e-mails out loud?
11:19I mean, can we reallocate some of the money
11:21from the Meyer Fund to the library?
11:23Oh, that's actually a felony.
11:25So we just tell them that we have it all?
11:27And then we just shuffle papers around
11:28until it looks like we actually do.
11:30That's supposed to be a felony.
11:33In order to find an ideal match,
11:35the restaurant table, food, and time
11:37will be the same for every date.
11:38To establish a control, the girl will be different.
11:40Jesus, Ken.
11:41He's just got to go to a laundromat,
11:43meet a girl, take her to a movie,
11:45a little chit-chat, couple, three drinks,
11:47standard hey-jay on the cab home,
11:49and a year later he's a father.
11:51Why do you make it so goddamn complicated?
11:53You know, one time I tried hitting on a girl at a laundromat?
11:56From somebody with broken English.
11:58She was real uppity.
12:00There's your answer.
12:02Carry on.
12:03Every potential mate has been pre-selected
12:05from the online dating pool of D.C. women ages 25 to 30
12:09with a strong interest in marriage to you in particular.
12:12I'm a bitch.
12:13I'm gonna go bro-pain for all those dates.
12:15Unlikely.
12:16It's only four.
12:17We had to extend to the greater Baltimore,
12:19Arlington, Alexandria area to find her.
12:22Well, we got a maybe in Delaware.
12:24That's right.
12:25She's waiting to see your hair grow back.
12:27So maybe five.
12:28I'd budget for four.
12:32I must say, I'm just blown away
12:33that you were able to raise so much money so quickly.
12:36You know what?
12:37I think I'm gonna go buy a sweatshirt.
12:39Yeah, that's what we call it in my family.
12:40Okay, great.
12:41The office could not come at a better time.
12:44The Selina Meyer Presidential Library
12:47and School for Public Policy and Women's Studies
12:50is just where we need to be headed.
12:52I think that title is a bit of a word salad.
12:54Maybe trim that last part about women.
12:56And, of course, you would be offered
12:58a full tenure professorship.
13:00Oh, now, would that mean I would have to teach?
13:02Oh, no.
13:03No, because my schedule is just constantly fucked.
13:07In flux.
13:08Flux.
13:09That's what I said.
13:10Did you want to hang that?
13:11Yeah.
13:12Great.
13:13I just, I can't believe it.
13:15Do you remember that night during your year?
13:18No.
13:19Chardonnay on the quad after Julia Child Day?
13:21You know what?
13:22I'm strictly a scotch girl, and I always have been.
13:25So I never really experimented with chardonnay.
13:33So I think you've got me confused with somebody else.
13:37I don't think I was confused.
13:39Good for you.
13:40Yeah.
13:41Yeah.
13:42All right.
13:43Oh, we're going up here?
13:44Yes.
13:45We are going up here.
13:46I understand you girls have some questions about the library.
13:49Yeah.
13:50You know what?
13:51Actually, just before that.
13:52Mm-hmm.
13:53Sure.
13:54I wanted to ask you about your controversial pardon
13:55of Sherman Tants.
13:56Renee.
13:57And the recent revelations of widespread abuse
13:59in his women's prison city.
14:01Oh, no, no.
14:02Wait till she crosses her legs.
14:04Women's prisons aren't always as black and white
14:07as they may seem.
14:10No, no, no, no, no.
14:12Not that it matters, but as a nephew of a survivor
14:17of the Holocaust, Sherman Tants is particularly
14:24sensitive to prison conditions.
14:28And he is intimately involved with every aspect
14:32of his company.
14:33That being said, he had no idea what was going on.
14:37And he immediately fired the number five man in charge,
14:42as well as a couple of sixes.
14:44But, you know, the male-dominated mediums,
14:47they just can't help themselves.
14:49Sadly, it's what I've come to expect from the gatekeepers
14:53of this patriarchal phallus quo.
15:00I apologize.
15:02That's why it's so vital that we have a school
15:05for public policy.
15:06And women's studies.
15:07Yes.
15:08TBD, here at Smith.
15:10Yes.
15:12It's our first woman president, y'all.
15:14Hello, hello, hello.
15:20Sorry, ma'am.
15:21Wendy's mom couldn't babysit today.
15:23But we can keep cracking away at that prologue.
15:25I've got some exciting ideas.
15:27I hope one of them is changing out of that shroud of urine.
15:30Say bye-bye.
15:31You don't have to say goodbye.
15:32Remember that we have the fundraiser for the library tonight.
15:35I do, yes.
15:36Wear something tight.
15:37Huh?
15:38That's not for them, that's for me.
15:39You are bad.
15:41Agreed.
15:43Hey, Dad, can you move your desk?
15:45It's for my drink.
15:46Derek, you've got to give Mike one of your shirts.
15:48They're bespoke tailors.
15:50Until Mommy and I figure out our new co-living arrangements.
15:53I guess I'll just wrap gifts on the sidewalk.
15:55I thought you'd be more supportive.
15:57Remember in seventh grade when you ran away
15:59and you were crying and crying because you wanted Daddy and I to get back together?
16:02And you sent me to etiquette camp?
16:04Yes, where you learned to interrupt, evidently.
16:06Did Mike bring his babies?
16:08Those babies are so delicious, I could eat them.
16:10Well, that would quiet them down.
16:12Speaking of Dad, Mom.
16:15Gary.
16:16Marjorie and I are having a baby.
16:19What?
16:23This is wonderful, wonderful news.
16:26Wait a minute, what?
16:28One of you is pregnant?
16:30Congratulations.
16:31So, which one of you is the carrier?
16:33Oh, we're not pregnant yet.
16:35We're just going to look for a sperm donor.
16:38If Catherine's uterus is as loamy as the doctor says, you're going to be a grand...
16:42ma'am.
16:43But I'm only 49.
16:46Ah, let's catch up later.
16:49I have to jet.
16:50Wait, you're leaving now?
16:52This is thrilling news.
16:54Yeah, but...
16:55Hey, just so you guys know, you've got to be careful with sperm banks.
16:59Did you hear about the one in Georgia?
17:00No.
17:01Turns out the guy was actually a mentally ill felon.
17:04Oh, my God.
17:05Can you imagine having a baby in Georgia?
17:07Jesus Christ.
17:08You have to pick someone you know, that you trust.
17:10Why don't you use Gary's sperm?
17:12It's just sitting there gathering dust.
17:16I mean, if it came to that.
17:18I wish there was some way we could do this without men.
17:21No offense.
17:22None taken.
17:23Hey, I can't look at you, Cape Fear, until Gary gets you a shirt.
17:27What size are you?
17:28Me?
17:29Large.
17:38Do you know how they remove a cancerous testicle?
17:41No.
17:42A lot of people think that they just slice one off, right?
17:45What they really do is they make an incision just a little bit further up,
17:48and they go in, and they grab the testicle,
17:50and they pull it out of the scrotum and out through the body.
17:53Oh, and I know what you're thinking.
17:54The one that I still have, like, it works just fine.
17:57Of course.
17:58All right, so, who's hungry?
17:59Oh, I'm, yeah.
18:01Oh, you can get dessert or an appetizer, but not both.
18:06Dessert, then.
18:08I got a sweet tooth.
18:11Okay.
18:12Question.
18:13Do you have any current pictures of your mother?
18:15I'm going to do both front and rear.
18:17You know, I just got to run to the bathroom.
18:19All right, cool.
18:20I know, of course.
18:21Great.
18:24Oh, the bathroom's through that way.
18:28Okay, so, who's the big swinging dick at this fundraising gangbang tonight?
18:33David Sloan, hedge fund manager.
18:35He's in for a million.
18:361.5 if we can get his dyslexic daughter into Smith.
18:40Maybe get her to write the check at 5.1 out of them.
18:45What do you think about our little girl becoming a mother?
18:49I'm just, I'm feeling really old.
18:52You're being ridiculous.
18:54People are going to think you're the hot young babysitter.
18:56No, they won't.
18:57Like we played last night.
18:59Oh, my God.
19:01Stop it, Mr. Meyer.
19:07Do you want a snack?
19:08No, thanks.
19:09You have three text messages from Helen Wright.
19:12Is that my phone?
19:13No, my pants didn't vibrate.
19:15Oh, that's me, sorry.
19:16I'll turn that off.
19:18Do you want to hear the messages?
19:20No, no, it's okay.
19:21I did not recognize that command.
19:23No.
19:24You have to really enunciate no.
19:27No.
19:28Message number one.
19:29I can still taste you in my mouth from last night.
19:33Boy, we should not be listening to that.
19:35That's probably to her boyfriend or something.
19:38I imagine she's texting while riding her bicycle
19:41and sent it to me by mistake.
19:44Second message.
19:45You came so much.
19:47Andrew, we ruined your wife's pretty office chair.
19:50I get so hot thinking of the president
19:52sitting in our love puddle.
19:54Call me after the fundraiser.
19:56That was a long one.
19:57She must be out of light.
20:05Look, Lee.
20:08One...
20:10fucking word.
20:17You are the devil!
20:19You are the fucking devil!
20:22You are the fucking devil!
20:24Stop it! Stop it!
20:28I will kill you in your face!
20:30Stop it!
20:31Hello.
20:32Hey.
20:33I'm so happy to see you.
20:35Does the library have a name?
20:36It's the Selina Meyer Presidential Library
20:39and School for Public Policy, and that's all.
20:43We're really excited.
20:44Really, really excited.
20:46Thank you so much.
20:47Yeah, we have a lot of good friends here.
20:49So luckily, the doctors were able to remove the mask
20:52without a full mastectomy,
20:53so I got to keep my nipple.
20:55Woo-hoo, right?
20:57I'm gonna go ahead and be honest with you.
20:58That was the most disgusting story I've ever heard.
21:01I can't finish my chicken piccata.
21:03Excuse me.
21:04Yes?
21:05Are you gonna get her dessert to go?
21:07Sorry, I think I have to use the restroom, okay?
21:12The restroom's that way.
21:14I mean, I just can't believe I fell for it.
21:18Again.
21:19Andrew is very hard to get rid of.
21:21He's like the herpes virus or an unwanted child.
21:24In this case, he gave me both.
21:25You can't just be that woman who's standing by her man
21:29smiling like lobotomy Barbie while he goes fucking...
21:33I know, I know.
21:34Ma'am, I gotta go.
21:36Well, Amy Bruckheimer just hung up on me.
21:40Doesn't get lower than that, does it?
21:44Oh, you are really loving this, aren't you?
21:47Well, I just didn't want to tell you I told you so, but...
21:50Well, because you didn't.
21:51Okay.
21:52Right? You just rolled your eyes like the world's bitchiest mime
21:55like you just did right there.
21:56I just... And there it is again, see?
21:58Hey, Mom, I just wanted to see how you were doing.
22:00God, I'm really starting to understand
22:01this whole lesbian thing now.
22:03Glad you're coming around.
22:04I'm just getting drunk here on Gary's great bourbon
22:08from his inbred backwoods family.
22:10What? There is zero inbreeding in my family.
22:13Oh, that's not true.
22:14And only one case of schizophrenia,
22:16but my Uncle Grandpa had her sterilized
22:18and we are all good in that area.
22:19And it's just going on and on for no apparent reason.
22:22Listen, honey, I want you to tell your whore of a father
22:27that I fired the art skank.
22:30Yeah.
22:31Well, I'm not going to tell him you said that,
22:33but I am really sorry that Dad did this to you.
22:37Oh.
22:39That is just the sweetest thing.
22:41Oh, we're just one big happy family?
22:44No, no.
22:45Okay.
22:46You know what I'm thinking?
22:48Maybe...
22:49Maybe this isn't a good time for you to get pregnant.
22:54You are the worst.
22:58What?
22:59What?
23:00That's from her father.
23:01Ma'am.
23:04You are unstable and manipulative,
23:07and I worry about the genes you'll pass down to our child.
23:11But your ex is worse.
23:14I appreciate that.
23:16It means a lot.
23:18You're like a son to me.
23:20Thank you, ma'am.
23:22You can call me Mom.
23:24Thank you, Mom.
23:27Thank you, Mom.
23:30Except, you know, it doesn't quite sound right,
23:33you know, when you hear it out loud.
23:35So let's just stick with the ma'am.
23:38Yes, ma'am.
23:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:41Yeah, that was a good at it.
23:42Right?
23:43Yeah.
23:44Really good at it.
23:45Back to where we were with that.
23:46Yeah.
23:47Ugh.
23:52Do you want to label any of these boxes?
23:55And I want all the touchscreens to say
23:58that they're powered by my clean energy initiative,
24:01because those ecotards love that shit.
24:03Do you want a butterscotch?
24:04No, nothing for me.
24:05Ma'am, bad news.
24:06What?
24:07Pauline Wright is going public with you firing her.
24:09It's in the post and getting traction elsewhere.
24:11Jesus Christ, she's telling the world
24:13about how she was blowing Andrew in my office chair?
24:17No, ma'am, it's mostly about how Andrew pursued her,
24:19how she's the victim, how she lost her job,
24:21and then there's this nickname stuff.
24:23What nickname stuff are you talking about?
24:25Apparently, Andrew kept referring to his penis
24:27as the first chubby.
24:29Oh, God.
24:30All right, your fly is down.
24:32What?
24:33Oh, wait, guys, we don't have a problem.
24:35Helen signed an NDA.
24:37We're going to sue her for breach of contract.
24:40Well, we could had we paid her.
24:42Who was in charge of that?
24:44Andrew.
24:45Okay, well, fucked again by the first chubby.
24:49And both of your shoes are untied.
24:51How did that happen?
24:53I get one theory.
24:55Oh, my God.
24:57What?
24:58This Helen thing is exploding.
25:00It's everywhere.
25:01Make sure you don't want to hire a communications director.
25:03Okay, fine, you're hired.
25:05Oh, congratulations.
25:06What are they saying?
25:08Well, they're mad at you for victim-blaming Helen
25:10for Andrew's behavior.
25:12You're fired.
25:13Tough break, buddy.
25:14I'm the only one who didn't do anything wrong
25:16in this trifecta.
25:18And now I'm wearing this scarlet letter?
25:20Oh, my God.
25:21Oh, that is your color.
25:22Oh, man, look how excited they are to see you.
25:24Oh, wait, you know what?
25:25You may not want to look out the window.
25:27No library!
25:28No justice!
25:29No library!
25:30No justice!
25:31No library!
25:32I understand everything.
25:33I'll tell you something.
25:34I can tell that you're very emotional
25:36because I am very emotional, too, about this issue.
25:40Helen, write this.
25:41I'm a victim.
25:42I think that we are both victims in this circumstance.
25:44How the fuck can you say that?
25:46How the fuck can you say that?
25:47How the fuck can you say that?
25:48Don't talk over me!
25:50Okay.
25:51I think we need to tone it down here.
25:53You never will!
25:54Why do we do it to every one of us?
25:56Scandal continues to dog Selina Meyer
26:00as allegations of sexual misconduct
26:03swirl around her ex-husband, Andrew Meyer.
26:06And speaking of politics,
26:08he's 28 feet tall and only bathes once a year.
26:12That's right, Jane.
26:14Lincoln Memorial has been undergoing its annual cleaning,
26:17so I'm heading to D.C.
26:19Gonna check in with the people down there
26:20that are involved with the project.
26:22Very exciting stuff.
26:23What fun!
26:25Don't forget to pack your long johns, Danny.
26:27Will do.
26:28So until tomorrow, I'm Jane McCabe.
26:31And I'm Danny Egan.
26:33See you in the tomorrow.
26:35And we're clear.
26:36Denise!
26:38Do me a favor.
26:39Sure.
26:40Wrap that wire around my neck until I'm dead.
26:44I am so sorry about the protests out there.
26:46I don't like the word shrill because it's so misogynistic,
26:49but in this case...
26:50Believe me, I understand.
26:51I mean, there isn't a tampon in the world
26:54that's big enough to soak up that mess out there.
26:57My God.
26:58So, um, I think the architects are meeting us today, or...
27:02Uh, Selina, we have to put the library on hold.
27:07What?
27:08Because of those 18-year-old bitches out there?
27:11What am I supposed to do?
27:12Re-hire Frida Swallow?
27:14Uh, well...
27:16Oh, well, that's not gonna happen.
27:17It would totally diffuse their rage.
27:19No, no, no.
27:20It would show that you listened.
27:21If you made a public show of embracing her...
27:23No, that's like Princess Di hiring Camilla Parker Bowles
27:27to be her limo driver.
27:28I mean, I'm just...
27:29You know, although in that case,
27:31it would have worked out better for her, obviously, but...
27:33Selina.
27:34We're talking about your legacy for the ages.
27:36Oh, my God.
27:37Just think about it.
27:38Just...
27:39Regina, can we just...
27:41Can we just take a pause here?
27:42Okay.
27:43Um...
27:44Why don't you and I, uh, go out to dinner, okay?
27:49And if we...
27:52If we need more time, you know,
27:54let's go back to my hotel,
27:57and we can have that chardonnay.
28:00I'm in a committed relationship.
28:03Yeah, I really, honestly,
28:05I have no idea what you're talking about.
28:09It's just, like...
28:12I can't believe I spent the night in jail.
28:14It's a piddly DUI in Nevada
28:16that's practically a resume builder.
28:18There's a guy driving drunk on the state flag
28:20right next to the guy beating his wife.
28:22No, it's a five-pointed star.
28:24Hey, hobos, get off the Internet.
28:26This isn't the library.
28:27This is the dash cam footage from Buddy's arrest last night.
28:31Oh, easy.
28:32He seemed pretty lazy.
28:33What, are you on the rag?
28:34Calm down, sir.
28:35Hands on the hood.
28:36It's a pretty pristine image.
28:38Yeah, all hot and juicy.
28:39Now, I bet if I take you home to bed,
28:42you're just gonna lie there with your blackberry
28:45and no dirty talk for Uncle Buddy then.
28:47That is not about you.
28:49You think I don't have balls?
28:51Guess what, I got balls.
28:52I got big blue balls, and you wanna see them?
28:55You wanna see my big blue balls?
28:57This is them.
28:58Get out of here!
29:00Ow!
29:01You know, I blacked out.
29:03I don't remember any of it.
29:05Okay?
29:07Come on, you're late.
29:11Um, I love Sting's solo stuff.
29:14Say your favorite album on three.
29:15One, two, three.
29:16Soul Cage.
29:17Soul Cage.
29:18Come on, get out of here.
29:19Stop it.
29:20Are you serious?
29:21Yeah, of course.
29:22What else is it gonna be?
29:23It's crazy.
29:24Can I say something?
29:25Sure.
29:26You have a rockin' body.
29:27Well, thank you.
29:28You know, go ahead and order a dessert.
29:29I know you had an appetizer, but just...
29:30Oh, thanks.
29:31I'm not a dessert kind of guy.
29:32Hey, you deserve it.
29:33Isn't Congressman Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire?
29:34Hi.
29:35Uh, this is my friend Dan,
29:36who was just leaving.
29:37Oh, what are you doing?
29:38Oh, shit.
29:39She can see.
29:40That's a shocker.
29:41Oh, wow.
29:42You're Danny.
29:43I watch you when I'm on the treadmill.
29:44Yeah, of course you are.
29:45It's just Dan,
29:46and let me give you one word of advice.
29:48Run.
29:49This predator has whiffied more women
29:50than Kappa Alpha Cosby.
29:52Okay, that's not an actual fraternity.
29:54So unless you enjoy the thrill
29:55of waking up in a basement torture dungeon,
29:57I'd say call it a night.
29:58You know, maybe I should go.
29:59Crystal, it's fine.
30:00It's just an unfinished basement,
30:02and he's just fucking with you.
30:03This is for trapping me in a job
30:04that makes me long for the days of Selina Meyer.
30:06And I'm gonna fuck your girl.
30:08Oh, and Crystal?
30:09Yes?
30:10Can I give you a ride home?
30:11Okay.
30:12Least I could do.
30:14Sir, can I have the check?
30:21I'm sorry,
30:22could you move your head a little bit more
30:23to the light, ma'am?
30:25Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
30:29Sorry to interrupt.
30:32Spencer, no.
30:38Will you pack up your crayons
30:40and get the fuck out of here?
30:43What?
30:44Gary?
30:45Yeah?
30:51If there's one thing I learned
30:52in the Air National Guard,
30:54it is respect for a woman in uniform.
30:57I have no hate in my heart.
30:59I love women.
31:00Especially my beautiful fiancee, Amy.
31:03But now it is time to focus on the issues at hand
31:06that concern the people of the state of Nevada.
31:09Let us pray.
31:13Heavenly Father,
31:14warden of eternal light,
31:19teach us to love women,
31:22but in a way that is respectful,
31:26and also your compassion.
31:30Amen.