Veep Season 7 Episode 6 Oslo
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00:00Selena Meyers, the woman who frees the best!
00:06Lloyd is my real dad.
00:08Oh, I think it would be sick.
00:10Uh-oh, I think I know what that's about.
00:12The governor called. He wants me to resign as mayor effective immediately.
00:15You didn't do anything wrong.
00:16He's appointing me the new lieutenant governor.
00:18By giving Meyer the nomination, I can ensure a modest presidency.
00:24You look so familiar to me.
00:25You brought a woman into my clinic to have her pregnancy terminated.
00:29Could you be a little more specific?
00:31Ma'am, I'm sorry, there's no easy way to tell you this.
00:34Your mother's boat exploded off the coast of Florida this afternoon.
00:37Andrew is the only person aboard.
00:50Congratulations.
00:51Thank you, this is very exciting.
00:52Yes, we're thrilled.
00:54The woman who freed Tibet is finally getting her Nobel Peace Prize.
00:58Technically not a peace prize, ma'am.
01:00We've won the Summit Peace Award of the World Summit of Nobel Peace Laureates.
01:04It's kind of like the Peace Prize Junior.
01:06The American voters don't know the difference, and frankly, neither do I.
01:10Ma'am, I'm headed back to the hotel to work on your acceptance speech.
01:13Okay, I don't know what that's a euphemism for.
01:16But Leon, you need to really lay it on thick, okay?
01:20Tibet, Tibet, Tibet.
01:21You bet, you bet, you bet.
01:23I want to sound like Bono trying to impress his own reflection in the mirror.
01:26I understand.
01:27Yeah, good.
01:29Hey, was that Colonel El Sala, the butcher of Juba, back there by the carving station?
01:34The Nobel people don't ask too many questions if you buy a table, ma'am.
01:37At this point, they're just trying to avoid losing the building.
01:40My Nobel Prize really makes the point that I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi.
01:47I think it's pronounced half-white.
01:49Well, tomato mulatto.
01:51Hey, ma'am, Catherine and Marjorie's wedding is in three weeks, and her and her wedding planner...
01:55Okay, can you just say you? You and Catherine.
01:58We're a little concerned about sitting you next to Marjorie Shaman.
02:01Hello.
02:02Congratulations, Mom.
02:03Thank you very much.
02:05So, I understand we're having some sort of a seating issue.
02:08Whatever you gals want is fine by me,
02:10as long as someone lets me have mini vegan pigs in gluten-free blankets at the reception.
02:15Okay.
02:16Listen, darling, why don't you get married over here in Europe?
02:20Because without an American marriage license, U.S. community property laws do not apply, my darling.
02:27Marjorie is my soulmate forever.
02:29That's fine. That's fine.
02:30I don't know why you would bring this up.
02:31You and your maid of honor here can sit me next to whatever Injun Joe you want.
02:36It's your special day, so...
02:38Thank you, Mother.
02:39You're welcome.
02:40I don't have a drink.
02:42Okay.
02:43Um, when am I getting my meeting with President Liu about the Montessos?
02:49Oh, I can't hear you. I can't hear you.
02:51Guys, listen.
02:52Guys, I just need to get in a room with Liu one-on-one
02:58so I can change his mind about supporting me for president.
03:01Face-to-face, I can convince anyone of anything.
03:03That's not true.
03:04Incorrect.
03:05You're both wrong.
03:06Well, you're right.
03:07You're right.
03:08Okay?
03:09Ma'am, Liu's people have been great walling us.
03:10I don't think they're anxious to meet with you.
03:11That's why I brought along some bait.
03:13Selena!
03:14Mena!
03:15Oh, Mena!
03:17Liu developed a real hankering for Finnish Furburger back at Camp David.
03:22He eye-fucked her so bad he got retinal herpes.
03:24Mena!
03:25Selena!
03:27I don't get the attraction.
03:29Oh, I do.
03:34So my last three lovers, they are complaining that my naughty talk is both incessant and soporific.
03:40Maybe you should let them choke you.
03:42You think they would rather choke me than listen to me talk?
03:45I can always speak for myself.
03:47You know, where is Liu?
03:49Selena Meyer!
03:51Herman!
03:52Oh, my gosh!
03:53I didn't know you were still alive.
03:55The Russians reinstalled me when they invaded Georgia.
03:58Oh, good for you.
03:59Factory reboots.
04:00Beep boop beep beep boop beep boop.
04:03A bit of personal news.
04:05I recently bought an English football club.
04:08Oh, wonderful.
04:09Leeds United.
04:10No English players, so pretty good team.
04:12Oh.
04:13Selena, crazy idea I have.
04:15What if I gave you money to help you win your election?
04:19America does not stand for foreign interference in our elections.
04:25Who do you think that I am?
04:27Yes, of course.
04:28I mean, it's an outrage.
04:29New topic.
04:30I want to buy your Palm Beach house for $114 million.
04:34Well, needless to say, real estate is a different animal.
04:37They're not making any more of it, right?
04:39Everybody's got to live somewhere.
04:40I'd rather deal with the Russian mob than with those real estate people.
04:44Well, it's because they're unethical.
04:45That's what they are.
04:46Because they are working on commissions.
04:48Yes.
04:49Six percent.
04:50It's abject greed, in my view.
04:51The $114 million would be wired from the Seychelles to Malta,
04:56then back to the Seychelles, and then to you.
04:59I'm very flattered, Merman.
05:01I really am.
05:02But your timing is horrendous.
05:05Two ladies, two servers, Selena.
05:07The human condition.
05:08Yes.
05:10White people problems, right?
05:11Okay.
05:14Thank you, Merman.
05:16You were right, ma'am.
05:17Lou's looking for the ticky in someone's shirty.
05:20What's the word, Mina?
05:21President Lou will meet you in the West Salon in ten minutes.
05:25He seems quite excited.
05:26Yeah, we could see that from here.
05:29Keith.
05:30Oh, hi.
05:31Where's Lou?
05:32You don't get to see Lou.
05:34You need to go through me.
05:35That's how this works.
05:36I know all about Lou's secret plan to get President Montez elected for a second term.
05:42So you go and you tell Lou that I want to talk to him directly, right now.
05:48You're going to do exactly what we say.
05:51I'm sorry?
05:52Or else we'll tell the whole world how you vaporized a DRA leader's wedding with Hellfire missiles
05:57and also took a huge laser-guided shit all over Pakistani sovereignty.
06:02Okay, A, that never happened.
06:05And B, that footage is highly classified.
06:08It was classified.
06:10Until somebody on your staff clicked on Asian girls bound and gagged.
06:15Oh, Ben.
06:17Or Kent.
06:19Or Leon.
06:20Oh, God.
06:21Or Marjorie.
06:22I mean, um...
06:24Jonah, your anti-vaccination message is bringing together
06:27an unheard of mix of Orthodox Jews, uneducated fringe conspiracists,
06:32and kombucha-douching private school moms.
06:34That's the real America.
06:35So, we've got three more stops this afternoon.
06:38Oh, look, if we go to Kentucky, it's going to look like a wang.
06:41Oh, hmm.
06:42The Great Lakes will be like this, fooey.
06:44Jonah, it's your dad again. It's like the 10th time today.
06:47Hey, Siri, did you fuck my dad?
06:49I don't know how to respond to that.
06:51Typical woman.
06:52I know.
06:53Clay, come on. Let's go.
06:55All right, how you doing?
06:57Hell, no!
06:58Number 10!
07:00Yeah!
07:01Pennsylvania, you have the second lowest vaccination rate in the nation,
07:07and when I am elected president, you will be number one!
07:13Thank you, Pennsylvania!
07:15Thank you, thank you.
07:17Oh, boy.
07:18Yeah!
07:19Oh!
07:20Oh, look at this baby.
07:22Oh!
07:25The menu has been an atrocity.
07:27The guests are vegan, and the president wanted anything without a face.
07:32Selena, I saw President Liu leaving. Is everything all right?
07:37Yeah, everything's completely fine, Mina.
07:39No, I can see the concern in your eyes, even through all the procedures.
07:43What is it? Is it about the wedding?
07:46He told you?
07:47He would not stop talking about it.
07:49He used the phrase, complete atrocity.
07:51Complete atrocity?
07:54Mina, listen.
07:58So, I droned a couple of wedding civilians on the wrong side of the AfPak border.
08:04I thought you were talking about your daughter's wedding to your homosexual adopted gang.
08:10Yes, I was.
08:13Um, droned a wedding is, uh, American slang for, uh, I got it, I nailed it.
08:24No, no, no, really. Like, I droned that wedding, man.
08:27I don't think that it is slang of any kind.
08:29Oh, I guarantee you it is. Ask anyone here.
08:34Mike, we have made a lot of mistakes here at CBS News.
08:39I know, right?
08:42But I think you could be a big part of turning that around.
08:45Okay, as a special correspondent, you will be everywhere that there's news.
08:48And I don't think it hurts that you will be our youngest correspondent by a lot.
08:54Thank you, sir.
08:55So, we bought the McClintock name, but we did not get all the intellectual property from the old show.
09:00I have intellectual property?
09:01Oh, yeah, the classic McClintock bits.
09:04I mean, uh, when your phone rings in the middle of an interview.
09:08Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
09:09And the horrible wife.
09:11She's horrible!
09:14A lot of that stuff, uh, I didn't know I was doing until people pointed it out.
09:17See? Keep that sense of humor.
09:19Okay.
09:20Because pretty much everything else is going to change.
09:23Selina, you have put me in a terrible situation.
09:26You have just admitted to being a war criminal.
09:29Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes to war criminals, Minna?
09:33All the time.
09:35And also, the prize that you bring, it is not the Peace Prize.
09:39Oh, don't start with that.
09:40It is a second-tier Peace Prize.
09:42Yes, it is made of very hard plastic.
09:44You have left me with no choice.
09:45I must report you.
09:47Okay, well, then, you've left me with no choice.
09:50Ah!
09:52That was your phone.
09:53I called Interpol before we got in the car.
09:56Come on, wait up.
09:58Minna, just a second.
10:00Sweet Viking Christ!
10:02Come on, just call Interpol back.
10:05Tell them that you made a mistake.
10:06I am sorry, Selina.
10:08I have a commitment to the principles of truth and justice.
10:11As the former President of the United States,
10:14truth and justice can gargle my balls.
10:18Move the fuck out of my way.
10:19Ma'am, the ICC has issued a warrant for your arrest for war crime.
10:23That's because autistic Barbie here tattled on me over the wedding drone strike.
10:28Which one?
10:29No, no, the DRA guy.
10:31Which was the only one?
10:32Correct.
10:33Well, Secret Service says the Norwegian police are all over the airport and the hotel.
10:36Ma'am, you will be extradited to The Hague and imprisoned under Article 8 of the Rome Statute.
10:41Selina, if you request it, I can offer you asylum.
10:45You can stay here at the embassy.
10:47I just as soon stay at an embassy suite.
10:50Ah, ma'am, it's your only shot.
10:54Really?
10:56Fine.
10:59I'll stay here.
11:00Good.
11:01Now you must formally request asylum.
11:04Yeah, I'm just gonna go.
11:05They can shoot me as I make a run for it.
11:07Fine. On behalf of the Finnish ambassador to Norway,
11:12I grant you asylum.
11:16She prefers the word spa.
11:19Welcome to your new office, Lieutenant Governor Split.
11:22Here we go.
11:25Wait, what? No.
11:26This is where you stick an unfuckable intern.
11:28Oh, no, no, no.
11:29When I was a summer intern for Lieutenant Governor Plasko back in the seventh grade,
11:32I was in a much bigger office.
11:33We gotta get the morbidly obese fuck out of Iowa.
11:36I mean, last night I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at
11:40and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.
11:42Sounds like a settings issue.
11:43Okay, now listen, we gotta get you national, Richard, okay?
11:46So that's why I've already booked you on my Klintalk.
11:48And I canceled it.
11:50Ah, Governor Ballantyne.
11:52You think you're hot shit, Splat?
11:53First human mayor of Lurleen,
11:55straight to lieutenant governor in just a few months.
11:58Well, now you're an ice-cold dog turd because you're not getting my job.
12:02Governor, we have the utmost respect.
12:04Save it, Manhattan date-rape mystery.
12:06Splat, I'm gonna bury you so deep in bullshit make-work,
12:09people are gonna forget Iowa even has a lieutenant governor.
12:12That shouldn't be too hard.
12:19This is Michael McClintock.
12:22And it's time to McClintock with Michael McClintock on CBS International.
12:27Yes, I'm still holding for Secretary Doyle.
12:30Mike looks good.
12:32He looks so much better.
12:33What's he doing? How long does it take to change into a doll diaper?
12:36The Norwegian National Police have surrounded the Finnish embassy in Oslo, Norway.
12:40Oh, my God in heaven.
12:41Selena, do you hate?
12:42Mira, I'm on the phone.
12:44Ma'am, the White House refuses to get involved in your situation.
12:47What?
12:48Although publicly Montez claims to be considering all options.
12:50Privately I heard she's been doing impressions of you getting broomsticked in prison.
12:54Are people actually laughing at that impression?
12:57No.
12:58Yes.
12:59Is this really just about me reporting you to the ICC?
13:01Yeah.
13:02How long am I supposed to be here?
13:04I could be dead before you ever get out of here.
13:06Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly, that could be like tonight.
13:09God willing.
13:10I forgave you for not voting for me to be the head of the IMF.
13:13Mira, you don't go to prison when you're not the head of the IMF.
13:18Prison of unmet potential.
13:20Go sit in the corner, Mira.
13:21Go.
13:22Here comes the shoes.
13:24Come here.
13:25Guys, how is this affecting my chances at the nomination?
13:28You need to get in touch with the American ambassador to Norway.
13:31To Norway.
13:32Yes.
13:33Ambassador Koss is Ms. Montez's husband's chiropractor.
13:35Yeah, he does most of his ambassadoring in Orlando.
13:38Okay, that's everything.
13:41I have no space in this room.
13:44I cannot move.
13:45It's easy.
13:46We're going to go.
13:47Oh!
13:49Selena, can I ask just one teeny, tiny, very small question?
13:54Uh, yeah.
13:56Mira.
13:57Yeah.
13:58Yeah.
13:59From the bottom of my heart, I truly and completely forgive you.
14:06Now shut the living fuck up.
14:09I am just sorry that I cannot forgive you for killing all those innocent people.
14:13Get out.
14:15We are sharing a room.
14:17No, we're not.
14:23Yeah.
14:25Streptococcus sucker, do you have the chicken pox?
14:29Clay gave them to me.
14:30Yell at him.
14:31No, I didn't.
14:32Clay!
14:33Oh, sweet pestilent Christ, you need to see this.
14:36Peace Control is reporting a large chicken pox outbreak in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
14:42Oh, wow, we got out of there just in time.
14:44That is the eighth chicken pox outbreak in the last week.
14:48All in communities with low vaccination rates, but no other apparent connection.
14:53Oh my God, you patient IQ zero, you infected all those nut balls who don't believe in vaccinations.
14:59Well, the server's been right.
15:00How did you have chicken pox as a child?
15:02Were you too busy bedwetting and cutting fuck holes in watermelons?
15:05Amy, that only works with fleshy melons.
15:09Duh.
15:10Sometimes pumpkins...
15:12Daddy!
15:13Hi, Bethy, I'm really sorry I just showed up.
15:15Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
15:17I really want to have a chance to talk with you, Jonah.
15:18Can't you see I feel yucky enough already?
15:20Jonah, I know that you're angry with me.
15:22I hate you so much I could walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody.
15:26It's all right to feel that way.
15:28I just want you to know that I love you.
15:32And that I hope someday you'll give me another chance.
15:37Okay.
15:39I beg your pardon?
15:44Okay, you can be my dad.
15:46I can be your what?
15:49You can be my dad if you want.
15:51You can be?
15:52Oh, come here.
15:54Oh, I love you, Jonah.
15:56I love you too, daddy.
15:58No homo.
15:59Sure, no homo.
16:02As we've been saying, the morning is wiser than the evening.
16:05Are you feeling wiser this morning than this evening?
16:07No, I see that we are still choosing not to make the best of the situation.
16:11Celine, I can't. I can't.
16:14Here is my yogurt.
16:16American War Criminality Guidance.
16:18Alleged War Criminality.
16:20Celine, I think it would be best for everyone if you can learn to follow just a few simple embassy staff rules.
16:25Number one, you write your name on your food in the refrigerator.
16:30You see here, I've written Minna.
16:32And I have written it with a permanent marker.
16:35Number two, if you use a bowl or a spoon or a plate or a cup or a jug,
16:42afterwards, you would wash in the sink.
16:47Yeah?
16:51Celine, if you go to prison, you will not have your gallery to clean up after you.
16:55Okay.
16:56No, I'm in.
16:57Look.
16:58Ma'am, you've got to see what's on TV. Come on.
16:59Maybe it's time for me to just turn myself in, but...
17:01What is it? What's going on?
17:03...to show their support for the former and possibly future president, Celina Meyers.
17:08Oh.
17:09Footage rolls.
17:12What?
17:13It turns out Americans don't give a flying fatwa if you drone a bunch of Muslims.
17:17The favorables have never been higher, ma'am.
17:19For polling purposes, you're practically a generic white male.
17:22This is incredible.
17:24I feel like the Grim Reaper just dropped his scythe and started eating me out.
17:30Mom, ma'am, Catherine just had the most romantic idea.
17:33Oh, good.
17:34Getting married here in Europe.
17:36What?
17:39Oh, Catherine, what a wonderful idea.
17:43Thank you, Mother.
17:45Gary?
17:46Yeah?
17:47Can you put something together here at the embassy?
17:49I found the perfect dress at the Oslo Medieval Festival.
17:52Oh, good.
17:53I doubt it.
17:54Ma'am, you know, we got bigger reindeer to fuck.
17:56Guys, listen to me.
17:57A wedding got me into this hot mess.
18:00A wedding's gonna get me out of it.
18:03A Potemkin wedding, if I may coin a phrase.
18:05Please don't.
18:06Okay.
18:07Look, we need a plane to get us home, correct?
18:09Celina Meyer live via phone.
18:11Hello, President Meyer.
18:12Hi, Mike.
18:13You know, I just want to thank the American people.
18:17I mean, obviously, while it is regrettable, the loss of innocent lives, you know,
18:23I will never, ever apologize for keeping Americans safe.
18:29Ma'am, we have the drone footage here.
18:31Would you take our viewers through it?
18:33Guest speaks as footage two rolls.
18:36Yes.
18:37Well, this is the compound belonging to Hamza al-Bashir.
18:40Now, hold up.
18:41What is that right on over there, ma'am?
18:43Is that an elephant or something?
18:45Yes.
18:46Yeah, I believe it is.
18:47Apparently, al-Bashir had some sort of a private zoo,
18:50and that's actually how we were able to locate him.
18:52And boom!
18:53Wah!
18:54There goes the elephant.
18:55Ma'am?
18:56Yeah?
18:57I think I may have found us a plane.
19:00Governor, it's so nice of you to come with us, to come for Jonah.
19:02Jonah Ryan has as much chance of becoming president
19:05as a stack of retarded raccoons in a trench coat.
19:08But if anyone's crawling out of our cesspool of estate to become his ag sec,
19:12it's going to be this big fucker.
19:13You know, I didn't realize there was a job requirement.
19:16Oh, my God.
19:18What do you think?
19:20Beige or Tuscan beige?
19:22Tough call.
19:24They are the same.
19:26And how is the blushing bride?
19:29Mother, come on, really?
19:31Catherine, this is the best I could do.
19:33Gorgeous.
19:34You always do this.
19:36I do what?
19:38Do you remember my 13th birthday?
19:40No, I certainly don't.
19:42Do you remember my 16th birthday, then?
19:44No, darling.
19:45Do you remember that?
19:46We're going to go through all the birthdays I don't remember any of them.
19:48Do you remember my high school graduation or my college graduation?
19:51Okay, well, I didn't know the theme of the wedding was Edward Scissor Sisters.
19:54Any time that I brought home boyfriends to meet before I had girlfriends?
19:56I mean, seriously, but...
19:58I'm going to pause.
19:59Those sandwiches aren't going to finger themselves.
20:01I'll be right back.
20:02Catherine, I do not want to fight with you, my darling.
20:06Listen.
20:07Don't.
20:08No, honey, listen to me.
20:11I am so very proud of you and your decision to get married here.
20:21Thank you, Mom.
20:23And you look amazing.
20:28And I'm amazed by your look.
20:36I'm just going to freshen up.
20:38Okay.
20:41Okay.
20:42We're all good.
20:43Where's your mother?
20:44She went to the bathroom.
20:47That's not the bathroom.
20:50If I could just have a moment of your time, Congressman.
20:53Will you move?
20:54You're blocking the TV.
20:55I'm sorry.
20:56Yeah.
20:57I think in a riot administration, I could really make a difference in agriculture.
21:00Yeah, whatever.
21:01There isn't going to be a Department of Agriculture.
21:03I'm getting rid of it.
21:04What?
21:05Jesus, Richard, who is this guy?
21:06I'm the fucking governor of the United States.
21:08Who is this guy?
21:09I'm the fucking governor of Iowa, you nitwit.
21:11And you just cost yourself a spot in my administration.
21:15I'll call you a cab, Governor.
21:16Hey, Joanie, your dad's here.
21:17Oh, hey, Dad.
21:18Look who's ready for a chicken pox party.
21:21Oh, what?
21:22I gave my dad chicken pox?
21:23Second time.
21:24Now, do you really see the family resemblance?
21:25Oh, two generations of scabs, yo.
21:28Fuck me with a side of ranch.
21:30See you back at the office, Governor.
21:32Pass.
21:35How has your mother done, Mom?
21:37She used our wedding as a diversion to escape from the Norwegian National Police.
21:46Smart kitty cat.
21:48All right, we'll just get married back in the States.
21:51No, we are going to get married right now, in Europe, because it's romantic.
21:58Well, do you want to maybe clean up first?
22:02No, I feel fucking pretty.
22:06Uh, I'm sorry.
22:08Who taught you to do the smokey eye?
22:11Joint Special Operations Command.
22:13JSOC.
22:15Ah.
22:17It's not bad.
22:18You know, these tunnels date back to World War II.
22:21Really?
22:22Brave local citizens banded together in secret to assist the Nazis.
22:26I think we should be underneath the security perimeter by now.
22:29How are you going to count?
22:31How about a kiss?
22:32How's that?
22:33Ben!
22:35Marvin!
22:36Selena.
22:37It's so happy to see you.
22:38I have helped many tunnel escapes.
22:41Oh.
22:42Funny story.
22:43Oh, here we go.
22:44Once, I told my enemy it was tunnel escape, but in fact, I just buried him alive.
22:51Marvin.
22:53Actually, it was her.
22:56But story is funnier with a man, huh?
22:59In this me two days, you know?
23:01Actually, I think it could work with a woman.
23:04Either way, it's a very good story.
23:06Beginning, middle, and end.
23:07Plus or less.
23:08Oh, but I would never, ever bury the life of my dear old friend, Selena.
23:14Oh, chivalry is not dead, Marvin.
23:16No, no, no, no.
23:17Her name was Svetlana, and she's definitely dead.
23:21Yeah, I think this story does work better with a man.
23:24That was my first instinct.
23:25Well, there you go.
23:27Now, my car will take you to the airport.
23:29Okay.
23:30The airplane is waiting to run out of gas and drop you into the North Sea.
23:35What?
23:37Just kidding.
23:40You are bad.
23:41Believe me.
23:43You got us.
23:46I want to make one quick stop on the way to the airport.
23:49Yeah?
23:50Yeah, I want to just pop in and grab my Nobel Peace Prize.
23:52Ma'am, that's the Nobel Prize of bad ideas.
23:55No, that's economics.
23:57We need to be out of this jurisdiction.
23:59Oh, please.
24:00I've got America on my side, and America doesn't give a shit about anything.
24:05Ma'am, we are not in America.
24:07She just crawled out of the plane.
24:08What?
24:09We're not in America.
24:10We're crying out loud.
24:11Okay, look.
24:12Call Leon right now.
24:13Tell him to get his dick out of whatever homeless woman froze to death in front of the hotel
24:17and meet us over there with a speech.
24:19Let's go, let's go.
24:20Call him, call him, call him.
24:22Hi, I'm Dan Egan.
24:23I used to work at the White House.
24:24You barely worked at the White House.
24:28Oh, Aves.
24:30I almost offered to help your career, then bang you and tell everybody in the office
24:33you're an unstable slut.
24:35It's a new dress.
24:41Come on, come on.
24:42Don't childbox.
24:44You can help me.
24:45No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
24:48Don't childbox.
24:50You can help me.
24:51Thank you so much.
24:54How long have you been taking these?
24:56Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally.
24:59But the pain went away in two days.
25:01I mean, they gave me 97 pills, though.
25:03So now I've just been taking them for the going away of my feelings.
25:07So you're not pregnant.
25:09Oh, no.
25:10Jonah and I don't want any more kids until I can get my cake pop business off the ground.
25:14And we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead.
25:18Hey, Jonah.
25:19Yeah, Dad?
25:20You know, right now you have a historic opportunity to speak to our better natures,
25:26bring the country together.
25:27But to do that, I think you have to tone down the angry, incoherent rhetoric about that.
25:35Man, I've kind of pushed it, haven't I?
25:37A little, a little bit, Jonah.
25:42Okay, Dad.
25:43Yeah, I will.
25:44Yeah.
25:46Okay.
25:47Hey, Mom, will you make us some pancakes?
25:49Ooh, banana pancakes.
25:51Yeah, banana pancakes.
25:52Oh, you know, I don't think I have any eggs.
25:54Oh.
25:55Oh!
25:56Go to the store to make pancakes!
25:58Pancakes!
25:59Pancakes!
26:00Pancakes!
26:03Oh, my God!
26:04Lloyd!
26:05Dad?
26:06Oh, my God!
26:07Call 911!
26:08Dad?
26:09Are you sure his nose is wet?
26:10Call 911!
26:11That's for dogs.
26:12Let's go.
26:13We've got to move.
26:14We've got to get this thing and get to the airport.
26:16President Liu!
26:18You're a hard man to get a hold of.
26:23Are we really doing this again?
26:25We all know he speaks English.
26:28I like your hair like that.
26:30You're welcome.
26:32Selina Maya!
26:33Why am I not surprised to see you?
26:34Sit, please.
26:35Look, Liu, we have always been able to do business together.
26:39If I'm elected, the U.S. is going to import a shit ton more of your tainted baby formula and defective drywalls.
26:47Little secret.
26:48What?
26:49Different label, same product.
26:51Islands.
26:53Islands?
26:54Any islands you want, Liu.
26:55DIU, Spratly, Florida Keys even.
27:00President Martin has been a great friend to China.
27:03Our loyalty to it is unshakable.
27:05I'm sorry.
27:07You can have Tibet.
27:09What?
27:11Yeah.
27:12You can have Tibet back.
27:15Are you fucking kidding me?
27:16No.
27:17Right after the election, you can have it back.
27:19I mean, I'll have to condemn your actions publicly, of course.
27:23Of course.
27:24But then we'll propose a U.N. resolution.
27:27You'll veto it.
27:28I will.
27:29Then, you know, have at it.
27:31Is being president in a democracy even that great?
27:33Well, I mean, it's barely a democracy.
27:36I agree with that.
27:37Listen, I got a thing to get.
27:38Do we have a deal or?
27:40I knew it.
27:41Yeah, we're getting.
27:42You're a good man.
27:43Yes.
27:44I like it.
27:45You look good in a bowtie, too.
27:46Is everything okay in here?
27:47Oh, you bet.
27:48Because you're my lapdog now.
27:49Okay.
27:50Yeah.
27:51I thought I would take just a few moments of your time to remind you of the plight of the Azerbaijani minority in Georgia.
27:59I'm here.
28:03I'm here.
28:07Oh, thank you.
28:10Thank you so much.
28:14Thank you so much for that wonderful introduction.
28:20When the committee called to tell me I would be receiving the Nobel Peace Prize, I considered telling them I didn't want it.
28:33You see, it's never been important to me to be honored publicly, but I decided to come tonight, not for myself, but for the country of Tibet.
28:51Imagine a world where Tibet were not free.
28:58Imagine that.
28:59Imagine that.
29:01And one of the world's great human treasures, Tibet's llamas, like these right here sitting in the front row looking at me,
29:13would certainly be imprisoned and tortured in the most vicious ways imaginable.
29:26Possibly even killed.
29:31Oh, God.
29:33So, maybe I should just wrap this up.
29:37Shall we scroll ahead, please?
29:39Could you just?
29:40Yes.
29:41Okay, please.
29:42Yes.
29:43Tibet must always be free.
29:46Free today, free tomorrow, free forever.
29:51Oh, God.
29:58Okay.
29:59No one's ever going to forget that speech.
30:02You're fired.
30:03All right, let's get out of here.
30:05Take this piece of shit.
30:07Stop.
30:08Selina, stop.
30:09You give me no choice.
30:10Bye, Minna.
30:11Wow, talk about inhumane droning.
30:14Guess I've got to take it.
30:16Dan?
30:17Hi.
30:18So nice to see you on this sad occasion.
30:22So, I thought maybe we could get a drink.
30:25Oh, sorry.
30:26This is Layla, my girlfriend.
30:29Is it still so weird saying that out loud?
30:31I can't help it.
30:33Hello.
30:34Hi.
30:35Layla's an OB-GYN.
30:37I know what she does.
30:39Oh, God, of course.
30:40You guys have already met.
30:42Classic Egan.
30:45Are you okay here?
30:47Mm-hmm.
30:48Yeah?
30:50What's up, man?
30:51So, how was your follow-up appointment?
30:54Less of a metal tube at my vag than this freak.
30:57I'm so sorry, Nancy.
30:59Adult chicken pox can be very serious.
31:03Thank you for coming.
31:05Don't blame yourself, Jonah.
31:06It's not your fault.
31:09Oh, my God.
31:12Can we get her a pill or something and calm her down?
31:14I don't want diastema.
31:16I want something good.
31:17Okay.
31:18Jonah, I've got to talk to you about this.
31:20Okay.
31:21Oh, God.
31:22Joni, Joni.
31:24I'm just so sorry.
31:25Oh.
31:27Thank you, Uncle Jeff.
31:28I really appreciate that.
31:29Sorry you killed your own father and I wasn't there to see it.
31:33I'm sorry.
31:35Uncle Jeff, could you please stop laughing?
31:38I can't.
31:41I can't believe you gave him chicken pox.
31:43I always had you pegged as an AIDS guy.
31:52It's not funny, but his laughter is infectious.
31:55I can't breathe.
31:57I can't breathe.
31:58Mr. Cain, you're going to come with me.
32:01Here's my hotel key.
32:03You got a deck?
32:04I'll pay double.
32:05Okay, everybody can come in and take a seat.
32:08Hey, babe.
32:09I love you.
32:10I love you, too.
32:12So, first off, I guess thanks, everybody, for coming.
32:15And, um, you know, as most of you know,
32:19I'm not a big fan of chicken pox.
32:23And, um, you know, as most of you know,
32:26I didn't get a lot of time with my dad.
32:28But I think in the time that I did have with him,
32:31I realized what a stupid loser he was.
32:34He didn't deserve me or even my mom.
32:37And all he ever did, actually, was run out on us.
32:40You know, first, all those years ago, and now by dying.
32:45And I guess I don't even really know if I liked him that much
32:48because he probably would have sucked like all my other stepdads.
32:51And I don't care that he's dead because I am very strong.
32:55You're so beautiful.
32:56There are going to be cake pops at the house later.
32:58Who wants to go dancing?
33:00I'm leaving. This place sucks.
33:02Richard, that bastard Valentine,
33:05he cut shingles from typhoid Jonah.
33:08He went blind with partial paralysis and has to step down.
33:12Oh, my God, that's awful.
33:13No, no, that makes me, I mean, you, the governor of Iowa.
33:18Congratulations to us both.
33:21So, listen, you guys,
33:22we have to start thinking about the convention.
33:24Oh, yeah, sure do.
33:25And possible Veep candidates.
33:26There are a lot of people I want to snub.
33:28Ma'am?
33:29Yeah?
33:30Check this out.
33:31Oh, my God.
33:32Is that Richard?
33:33Oh.
33:34Governor split.
33:35No.
33:37What the hell?
33:38What's going on here?
33:39I thought nobody gave two Osama bin shits about the drone strike.
33:44This is about killing elephants.
33:46Yeah, there's two things Americans don't like to see get hurt.
33:49Animals and white girls on spring break.
33:51Stories everywhere.
33:52Peggy Noonan has a column about Babar and American exceptionalism.
33:56Oh, well, she's a dumb cunt.
33:58Is this going to affect my numbers, you think?
34:01Yes.
34:05Oh, my God.
34:08He's giving me the finger.
34:10Look, see?
34:13As many of you know, it has been a difficult week for me.
34:18With the death of my dumb father and my hot wife going into rehab.
34:23Which, when you think about it, kind of makes her hotter, you know?
34:28But with the Lord's help, I got through it.
34:33And when I say Lord, I mean Jesus Christ Almighty, not the Jewish one.
34:39Now, there has been a lot of debate about whether vaccines do or do not kill people.
34:46And they do.
34:47That's just science.
34:49But the other real killer is diseases.
34:54And how do these diseases get into America?
34:57How?
34:58Immigrants.
34:59Kill them!
35:00Yeah, well, I mean, we don't have to kill all of them.
35:03I mean, there are some good immigrants.
35:05Beyonce?
35:06Ms. Brokheimer, do you have anything to eat?
35:08There's a guy down the street from my house.
35:10Got gum and Advil.
35:13He had this carne asada that I think was a family recipe.
35:17That guy stays.
35:18But we are not going to stop diseases unless we close our borders.
35:26From now on, no one in, no one out.
35:32No one in, no one out.
35:35No one out.
35:38What?
35:39Who's there?
35:40It's Richard.
35:41Who?
35:42Governor Richard Splett.
35:44We brought you some flowers.
35:47Word is out on you, Splett.
35:50You're living proof that the worst people in politics always succeed.
35:55I'll tell you something else, Splett.
35:57Listen carefully.
35:59Someday you'll be an old man and you'll...
36:01Governor Splett.
36:02Governor, now that you're a superdelegate,
36:04have you given any thought as to who you're going to be endorsing at the convention?
36:08Isn't there any way I can endorse all of them?
36:11Yeah.
36:12All right, thank you guys so much.
36:17Pull up a chair, Splett.
36:19I've never told anyone this before.
36:23I have a daughter in California.
36:26She doesn't know anything about me.
36:29I've seen photographs on the internet.
36:33Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina?
36:37If you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.
36:43I'm not going to let them take this from me.
36:47I was right! I should be president!
36:51That's not funny, Kent.
36:53I haven't been funny since 1987.
36:55I didn't come to North Carolina to lose.
36:57I don't even like to change planes here.
37:04I just want to be president.
37:07216.