Veep Season 7 Episode 1 Iowa
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00:00who had gotten so close was devastating.
00:04But I did reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine
00:08by the name of Selena Meyer.
00:11And I like her.
00:16You look absolutely radiant.
00:19Oh, thank you.
00:19Yes, you'll stay in the insane asylum.
00:22It's really agreed with you.
00:22Oh, delicious, Farrah.
00:24This is a second act.
00:26Selena Meyer travels the globe spreading democracy
00:29like patient zero.
00:30Ma'am, you can't run for president.
00:33You don't have the party support.
00:35It's over.
00:36Well, I was speaking hypothetically.
00:39I want a library.
00:40I'm the only living president who doesn't have one.
00:43Nobody gives me any respect.
00:45How about that?
00:46No justice, no library!
00:49Who despises me like this?
00:51This is President Montez, Tom James,
00:54the White House maids, the steward,
00:56white working class voters.
00:58Jonah, my boy, I've come to say farewell.
01:00I'm pulling all my financial support.
01:02Ow!
01:03Let's send them a message by shoving the guy
01:06that they hate the most right back in their faces.
01:10Advanced copies.
01:12Really?
01:12I love my book, I love my book.
01:14The woman first, first woman.
01:16Yeah.
01:17I didn't get murdered in my country
01:17for saying something like that.
01:18Remember a couple months ago after you got fired,
01:21we had drinks again?
01:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:23Yeah, well, I'm pregnant.
01:24It's yours.
01:25Marjorie and I are having a baby.
01:28I can't believe I'm gonna be a father.
01:30A lot of responsibility.
01:31You just signed away all responsibility.
01:33Say hello to little Richard.
01:36It was President Selina Meyer
01:38who negotiated to free Tibet.
01:40Yes.
01:41Selina!
01:42No, it's me!
01:42Oh my gosh!
01:43I've been rethinking things
01:46and there are some new options for me.
01:48The options will be easier without any baggage.
01:53I'm running for president.
01:57Man, it's getting back together again.
01:59I do need to talk to you about your role.
02:01It's Team Meyer.
02:02Team Meyer!
02:03Team Meyer!
02:04Second time's the charm.
02:06It's actually fourth, fourth time's the charm.
02:08Yeah, that's true, it's me.
02:16It's just incredible.
02:18New Selina.
02:20Now.
02:21Oh, it's perfect.
02:23I don't really get it, actually.
02:25Ma'am, we're so far ahead in the polls
02:26and you're not even running yet.
02:27Sheila couldn't agree more.
02:29Hey, Kent's dating again.
02:31Sheila is my predictive computer model
02:33for election results.
02:34Strategic, hypermetric, electoral,
02:36interactive, logistical algorithm.
02:38I don't want nuts.
02:40You know, I like her more than I like the deaf girl.
02:42Whatever happened to her?
02:43The police have no leads.
02:45All right, here you go, ma'am.
02:46I still need my speech.
02:48This is Amy.
02:49Amy, are you there?
02:50We're all ready for you, ma'am.
02:52Hey, sweatpants, you can't just walk out.
02:55This isn't a Terrence Malick movie.
02:56Sit.
02:57All right, quiet, everyone.
02:58Mommy's reading.
03:00Okay, the networks have been properly fluffed.
03:03Told them to expect a surprise announcement
03:05without telling them what you surprised announced on.
03:07Maybe after the announcement we can finally sit down.
03:09I mean, still a lot to talk about.
03:12We talk plenty, Amy.
03:13No, not you, ma'am.
03:15Hey, I was talking about the...
03:18What?
03:20Jesus, I thought you said the thing
03:21with the 7-Eleven dumpster in the sky already.
03:23It's just, we've been so busy with the campaign.
03:25I mean, I don't want to.
03:27You're waiting for the thing to get fucking college?
03:28What are you doing?
03:29Okay, Leon?
03:30Yeah.
03:31I'm not sure about this part where I say
03:33I want to be president for all Americans.
03:36I mean, do I?
03:37You know, all of them?
03:40How about real Americans?
03:42Oh yeah, that's good.
03:43And then we can figure out what I mean later.
03:45Yeah.
03:46Ma'am, I don't have a copy of the speech.
03:48Okay, I don't know what she's saying.
03:50Ma'am, the voters need to know clearly
03:53and definitively why you want to be president.
03:56In your own words.
03:57If you want me to use my own goddamn words,
03:59then write me something to say, okay?
04:00Yes, ma'am.
04:01Oh, and take out the stuff about immigration
04:03because I feel like it's a little too issue-y.
04:05Okay.
04:06♪♪♪
04:12Hello, Iowa!
04:15I'm...
04:17Sitting in my...
04:18Wait a minute, where is everyone?
04:20Maybe they're hiding.
04:22What?
04:23Amy, where are you?
04:24At the airport.
04:25Where are you?
04:26I mean, there's only one fucking runway.
04:27I'm at the airport.
04:28We just landed.
04:30That's not possible.
04:31Right now, I'm standing here
04:33with my dick in my hand
04:35in Cedar Falls, Iowa.
04:38Ma'am, we're in Cedar Rapids.
04:41No!
04:42This is supposed to be new, Selena!
04:45Now!
04:46♪♪♪
04:50♪♪♪
04:55If Muhammad Atta had you people booking his travel,
05:00he'd still be alive today,
05:02which, from his perspective,
05:03would be a massive fuck-up.
05:06♪♪♪
05:08Yeah, it didn't go very well.
05:09You think?
05:10Ma'am, FYI, we're tracking a school shooting
05:13in Spokane, Washington.
05:14Oh, Muslim or white guy?
05:16Don't know yet.
05:17Which is better for me?
05:18White guy.
05:19Fingers crossed.
05:20Okay, guys.
05:21What happened at the airport today
05:23can never, ever happen again.
05:26And so, as such, I have had A...
05:29Okay.
05:30I have had Amy prepare a full autopsy
05:34of the last campaign
05:35to specifically identify problem areas
05:38within the organization.
05:40Okay?
05:41So, Amy?
05:42Thank you, ma'am.
05:43I have put together a summary list
05:45of what I discovered
05:46were the most egregious flaws of our organization.
05:48I said this already.
05:49This is what I just said.
05:51Yeah.
05:52Great.
05:53First and foremost,
05:54there was a reluctance on the part of the candidate
05:57to take responsibility for mistakes.
05:59What?
06:00No, you were the one that made mistakes.
06:02What else?
06:03Go on.
06:04Second, there was a culture of blame
06:06which made people feel unsafe expressing criticisms.
06:09What dumb asshole said that?
06:11Number three,
06:12an unwillingness to actually discuss strategies
06:14and share ideas with campaign staff.
06:16Autopsy is now over.
06:18Forget about it.
06:19Oh, my God.
06:20How many pages is this?
06:21500?
06:22How about I write 500 pages
06:24about how you need to start wearing concealer?
06:26All right.
06:27Ames, can I get a copy of that?
06:29Guys, this is not going to be a repeat
06:32of my last campaign.
06:33I am new Selena.
06:35Now.
06:36Exactly.
06:37So, I'm going to shake things up.
06:38I'm going to hire Keith Quinn.
06:39Wait, he's already doing Apo for Korporski.
06:41I'm going to offer him campaign manager.
06:43I thought I was your campaign manager.
06:45I thought I was going to Cedar Falls.
06:47Cedar Rapids.
06:48Now, we have another candidate
06:49announcing for president.
06:50Oh, all right.
06:51Well, I'm going to go out on a limb
06:53and say white guy.
06:54I was reminded of another innovator
06:56by the name of Jesus Christ.
07:00Two wheelchair guys behind him?
07:02What, we didn't get the point with the first one?
07:05I got it.
07:06One wheelchair guy, good for you.
07:07Two wheelchair guys, shame on me.
07:10Okay, Keith fucking Quinn.
07:12Are you kidding me?
07:13I mean, I heard the last campaign that guy joined,
07:15he had the entire staff fired.
07:16I knew she'd cut my balls off.
07:17I just thought it would be after we lost Iowa.
07:20Well, campaign's ahead of schedule.
07:22Ma'am, the Meyer Fund is now completely wrapped up.
07:25But there were some accounting issues
07:27that didn't resolve clean.
07:28All right, but that's Andrew's department,
07:30so you could just give him a call.
07:31His cell phone number now seems to belong
07:33to a Portuguese gentleman.
07:34Ma'am, your non-announcement this morning
07:36has given us an excellent opportunity
07:38to fix your speech.
07:40Why do you want to be president?
07:41Leon, I've got this.
07:42It's all in my head,
07:43so just don't worry about it.
07:45All right.
07:46Why would you want to be president?
07:48As the child of a Native American.
07:50Okay, I get the gist.
07:52Is little Richard ready to go and meet some voters?
07:55Mom, you can't keep using our baby as a campaign prop.
07:58There's just a few more months in Iowa,
08:00and then we're gonna hide him when we get to New Hampshire.
08:04No, no crying.
08:06Mom, you cannot tell the baby N-O.
08:09N-O is a negative rejoinder.
08:11We don't want to constrain little Richard developmentally.
08:14What are you supposed to say then
08:16when the baby's being an asshole, for instance?
08:18You're supposed to say that's not our plan.
08:21I don't even know where to start.
08:23Child services is a good place.
08:25Here, go back to model number one or two or whatever.
08:30Catherine is Mama, and I'm Mama.
08:32Okay, you didn't want to go with Mommy
08:34and Agent Pommy either.
08:37Catherine.
08:40Okay, I'm sorry about that, Gam-Gam, ma'am.
08:43Catherine's been suffering from postpartum depression.
08:46How can you tell?
08:48Well, the haircut.
08:50It's been tough on both of us, particularly on our sex life.
08:53Okay.
08:55We still enjoy sex in the mornings,
08:57but in the evenings, hardly ever, and rarely penetrative.
09:00Amy? Amy.
09:02I just had to get away from blues in this annoying color.
09:06CNN has a current Spokane death toll at six.
09:09Liam! Yes.
09:11I need a statement. Spokane.
09:13Standards, awesome prayers. Bullseye.
09:15Ma'am, the speech. I know, Amy.
09:17Why would you want to be president?
09:20So I can nuke America.
09:22It's actually not bad. Pretty good, actually.
09:24I love you, New Hampshire!
09:27That's why I'm skipping the Iowa caucus,
09:30because I want you, my home state,
09:32to pick the next president,
09:34and not because my polls are low there.
09:37And just wait until you see how we juice the economy
09:40with my new 7-8-9 tax plan.
09:43Oh, it's a 9-7 tax plan.
09:46It's 9% sales tax.
09:48Our candidate thinks it's funnier that way. Wait for it.
09:50Why are we six afraid of seven?
09:52Why?
09:54Because of my 7-8-9 tax plan.
10:00You know what I always thought the funniest number was?
10:0211.
10:04Did you guys know that I got married?
10:06Who wants to meet my brand-new smoking hot wife, Beth?
10:09Beth, come on up here.
10:11This is my wife and my stepson, Clay.
10:13Clay, come on up here.
10:15Go ahead, sister.
10:17Oh, thank you.
10:19Yeah, no, you have to. They love it.
10:21Look at how hot she is.
10:23Yeah, I can't scroll.
10:25Oh, gosh.
10:27Thank you all so much.
10:29My Joni, he just swept me off my feet.
10:31And I know that when he's elected president,
10:34he's going to sweep all the dirt out of Washington.
10:38So we're just going to need to find a broom that's tall enough for him.
10:45I just want to make it clear that she does do all the housework.
10:48I do.
10:49Thank you, New Hampshire. Thank you for coming.
10:54The wife is really helpful.
10:56She humanizes him if ever possible.
10:58Like sunglasses on a dog.
11:00Favorabilities are up 11%.
11:02Hilarious.
11:04That bum could carry us right to Super Tuesday.
11:06Uh-oh. Stay away from us.
11:08You're lucky my wife is here, or I'd give you a berserker beatdown,
11:11and I would wipe my ass with that dumb-looking cardigan.
11:14It's a sweater vest.
11:16What the hell was that?
11:18I thought you'd gotten the handle on the screaming at random seniors thing.
11:20Oh, what, my ex-stepdad?
11:22That guy's such a douche-nard.
11:24That's your stepfather?
11:26Yeah, he thinks he can just come down here and bask in my meteoric success
11:29just because he's my wife's dad?
11:31Wait, he's your wife's dad?
11:33You said he was your stepdad.
11:35Yeah, that's my stepsister.
11:37Did you guys not know that?
11:41Oh, no.
11:43Oh, no.
11:45Yeah, her dad married my mom for like a year when I was 11.
11:48You're killing me, sir.
11:50Look, the point is, he's a dick.
11:52He gave me a D in math because I have dyslexia, but for numbers.
11:56And he forced us to go on all these family vacations to stupid Hawaii.
12:00Which island?
12:01The big one.
12:02Did you do no oppo research on our own candidate?
12:05How did this not come up?
12:07The same reason it didn't come up is he moisturizes with minotaur semen.
12:10It's not one of the standard questions that you ask.
12:13I don't know what the big deal is here.
12:15It's not like Beth and I did anything,
12:17unless you count her walking in while I was whacking off all the time.
12:20I wish I was still in prison.
12:22Are you kidding me, you 80-story sky-raper?
12:25Excuse me, Teddy.
12:28May I speak to you over here for a moment?
12:30Now?
12:35Teddy, we talked about this.
12:37I'm sorry, sir.
12:38The only reason you were hired is because Mr. Tans told me you were the best, and because...
12:43Because of my court-ordered chemical castration.
12:46That's right.
12:48Is this doing anything for you?
12:50Right there, you like that?
12:52Not even a little tickle? Not even a little move?
12:55Jody, are you ready to head home?
12:56Jesus, Beth, I'm working.
12:58Someone gets so cranky when he doesn't eat.
13:00You're cranky.
13:01I have goldfish.
13:04I have string cheese.
13:05I want goldfish.
13:06Can I have some?
13:08No, get your own.
13:09Well, it is such an honor to be here in...
13:12Lurleen.
13:13Lurleen, and to shake hands with Mayor Biscuit.
13:18Gosh, I didn't have my breakfast this morning, I will admit,
13:21so that makes me quite hungry.
13:25And I'll tell you something, it's not the...
13:28No, I don't want to...
13:29It's the first time in politics that I've had to shake hands with a complete dog.
13:35Madam President, how do you respond to people sick and tired of politicians
13:38offering nothing but thoughts and prayers when it comes to mass shootings?
13:44Um, well, uh, my heart goes out to the families of the victims,
13:51and I want to offer them my, um, mindfulness and meditations
14:01unto the Lord on their behalf.
14:04Mike McClintock, BuzzFeed Magazine, print edition.
14:08Okay.
14:09Okay, Madam President.
14:10Yes.
14:11Now, we'll...
14:12Sorry, this is a menu. Hold on a second.
14:14Great question, Mike.
14:16That's all the time we have, folks.
14:17The President looks forward to continuing to meet with the good people of Iowa
14:20as she contemplates the future.
14:22Thank you so much, everybody.
14:23Mike, I really need you to post at least ten pieces a day to the site.
14:27No, when you say a day, do you mean a day a day?
14:30Hi.
14:31Hi.
14:36Mike, working for the enemy, huh?
14:38Yeah, my new gig.
14:39It's really nice to see you, Mike.
14:41Yeah.
14:44I've been meaning to email you.
14:46Google always filters out my emails.
14:48They think I'm a bot.
14:49Yeah.
14:50Well, Ellen's doing good.
14:52She's learning Mandarin.
14:53You know, we might even adopt another, uh, kid.
14:56Lurleen.
14:57I mean, even the name sounds like it's on meth.
15:00Who in their right mind would live in this ashtray's inks?
15:04Well, me.
15:05I was lucky enough to be born here.
15:06What?
15:07You were from Lurleen?
15:08I just didn't want to brag.
15:09Bolsters or roasters, my grandma's split would always say.
15:12She had a form of rhyming dementia.
15:14It's called Lindrum Syndrome.
15:16Really?
15:17I bet she made that up.
15:18Oh, okay.
15:20It's showtime at the Baby Apollo.
15:22Let's go.
15:23Hey, Richard, is chocolate bad for dogs?
15:25Oh, no, not bad.
15:26Okay.
15:27Deadly.
15:28What?
15:29Hello, Lurleen.
15:30Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns.
15:33They're both equally good people.
15:35Isn't there some way they can both be president?
15:37Fortunately, no.
15:38No, little Richard, don't pull Mommy's hair.
15:40That's not our plan, Mother.
15:42All right, fine.
15:43Here, take it.
15:44Madam President, will you be announcing your candidacy today?
15:47No.
15:48I mean, that's not our plan.
15:50What?
15:51You're not planning on running?
15:54I've always been a big fan of Selina Myers,
15:57but it's time for some new blood.
15:59Is this what I came to Iowa for?
16:01It's everywhere, ma'am.
16:02Well, except BuzzFeed.
16:03They live with the story about the dog mare in a coma.
16:06Oh, my gosh.
16:07Ma'am, please don't make Catherine feel any worse than she already does.
16:10She's suffering from postpartum depression.
16:12I know.
16:13Catherine has postpartum depression?
16:15I didn't notice anything.
16:16I thought she was in a good mood.
16:18Ma'am, we have to announce immediately to counter this.
16:20Why not announce at the Statue of Liberty?
16:22You love standing next to ugly women.
16:24Yes!
16:25Okay, call Senator Talbot, see if she can introduce me.
16:28Because we could use the color, don't you think?
16:30Can I get a quote from my article?
16:32God damn it!
16:33What is Mike doing in here?
16:34And why does he have a good idea now that he's not working for us?
16:37Okay, does anybody have time to sit for an interview real quick?
16:40Nope.
16:41Get out of here.
16:42I'll go announce at a white supremacist compound if I have to.
16:46There have got to be tons of them around here.
16:48Ma'am, you're thinking of Idaho.
16:49Iowa's mostly meth labs.
16:51That's mainly just a difference in branding.
16:53Uh-oh, there's our new leader.
16:55Oh, Keith Quinn in the house.
16:57Okay, well, screw your wigs on tight, team dipshit.
17:00You're about to see how a campaign is really...
17:06No, that's not him.
17:07What do you mean?
17:08I mean, that's not him.
17:09It's not him.
17:10That's Keith Quinn.
17:11No, that is not Keith Quinn.
17:12Not him.
17:13Ma'am, it is him.
17:14I thought Keith Quinn was someone else.
17:16Someone else.
17:17It is not my job to know what Keith Quinn does or does not look like, Amy.
17:23Ma'am, look who's here.
17:25Keith!
17:26Yes!
17:27Keith Quinn!
17:28That's me!
17:29I'm so just amazed to see you.
17:32I was shocked to get the call to come here.
17:34I bet.
17:35But so happy.
17:36I want Kent to show you where your office is.
17:39It's going to be right next to mine, which I hope that's okay with you.
17:42Where else would it be?
17:43I'm the campaign manager, right?
17:45Yeah.
17:46Yeah.
17:47And I want you to whip everybody into shape.
17:51I brought all my whips.
17:53Good.
17:54But let me just say thank you so much.
17:56Oh.
17:57This is a really big step up for me.
17:59Oh.
18:00Oh.
18:01Right this way, Mr. Quinn.
18:02Welcome, welcome, welcome.
18:06Fire him.
18:07He's better than democracy, ma'am.
18:08Wait a minute.
18:09No.
18:10The press cannot know that we've made another mistake.
18:13I'm so sorry.
18:14What's happening?
18:15Amy hired the wrong guy.
18:17So who's running the campaign?
18:18Keith Quinn, obviously, Amy.
18:20Okay.
18:21But he cannot know that I've never seen him before in my entire life.
18:25So everyone's going to report to Ben.
18:27He's going to be the secret campaign manager.
18:29Congratulations, Mr. Cavity.
18:31My thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of Spokane.
18:35What happened today was a tragedy.
18:37But here is the hard truth.
18:39Sometimes, hotshot lacrosse players who think they own the cafeteria can bring this on themselves.
18:45Wait, sir.
18:46Will your wife be joining you today?
18:48Uh, no.
18:49Not today.
18:50Just me.
18:51Will she be joining you at Senior Center this afternoon?
18:53No.
18:54Will you stop asking questions about my wife?
18:56It's not like I murdered her.
18:57Is your wife okay?
18:58Look, I challenge you.
18:59Go ahead.
19:00Try to find one thing that's wrong with my marriage.
19:02Send out your top guys.
19:03Have them follow me around.
19:04Top guys?
19:05Did you marry your stepsister?
19:06God damn it.
19:07Who told you?
19:08Is Beth Hennig's father your stepfather?
19:09Lloyd Hennig?
19:10I married my half-sister.
19:11No, step-sister.
19:12Step-sister.
19:13See, I'm not one when I bone her, she doesn't get birthed to a pile of legs.
19:17You know what?
19:18If you want to attack somebody, attack my cousin Ezra.
19:21He's the one who fit murder in high school.
19:23Look, I want to thank the firefighters.
19:24The real heroes.
19:25Amy, I've cut off getting an abortion once.
19:28And now I've got Joaquin.
19:29I thought if I just talked to Dan, then he'd be...
19:33My parents.
19:34I thought Kent snapped.
19:36Not today.
19:37Staff meeting.
19:38Why can't we do it in the conference room?
19:40Because, Amy, your hire, Keith Quinn, is in the conference room
19:43having what he thinks is a staff meeting,
19:45but we're actually having the real staff meeting in here.
19:47My hire for president.
19:48Oh, boy.
19:49I really thought my 50s would be about me fucking and sucking
19:52my way through the Shorenstein Center.
19:54You and me both, ma'am.
19:55Ma'am, we need to pick a location for your announcement.
19:57Can you text Gary, please?
19:59He's been gone for an hour.
20:01I need that smoothie.
20:02Ma'am, I've got it.
20:03Okay.
20:04We do your announcement where you historically announced
20:06your first run for the presidency nine years ago.
20:09Um...
20:10Susan B. Anthony's birthplace.
20:12Oh.
20:13I love it.
20:14What is in this?
20:15Bourbon and smart water.
20:17Woman, hero, suffragette,
20:18bringing the Selina Meyer story full circle.
20:20Yes.
20:21You know what?
20:22I kind of love it.
20:23Okay, we'll figure it out in the air.
20:25Yes.
20:26And not a word of this leaks.
20:27No.
20:28Did you text Gary?
20:29I did.
20:30It was a shooting at a Home Depot,
20:31and they closed the interstate.
20:32Oh, Jesus, Mary and John,
20:33but, jeez, I really wanted that smoothie.
20:35Hey, where's everybody going?
20:37She loves what you're doing.
20:39Just keep on cracking.
20:41Okay.
20:43Oh, hey, I'm still waiting on that Wi-Fi password.
20:46I haven't eaten all day.
20:48Ma'am, any comment on the latest shooting?
20:50It's an absolute outrage.
20:52I mean, frankly,
20:53somebody needs to do something about these shootings,
20:55because I cannot take any more of this.
20:59Powerful words.
21:01Mm-hmm.
21:06Here, check this out.
21:08Connecting robes.
21:10Oh, they got me bunking with Gary.
21:12You should see all Selena's dresses in here.
21:14At least I hope they're hers.
21:15I'm thinking of having this baby,
21:17and I'm not asking anything of you,
21:19literally nothing,
21:20but I do want the baby to know that you're the father.
21:22But I don't want your last name,
21:24because I've always loved the name Megan,
21:26and I don't want people to think
21:27that I was going for Megan Egan,
21:29because that sounds like someone
21:30who gets ass-fucked on the Major Deegan in a limerick.
21:36Whoa.
21:38I like the name Megan, too.
21:42You know, although the Deegan's always congested, so...
21:46Yeah, the cross-Bronx is much better for butt stuff.
21:50Okay, well, just sleep on it, or whatever.
21:53Okay, good night, Dan.
21:55Nighty.
21:57Oh!
21:58Why do I have to tell people why I want to be president?
22:02I mean, I don't want to hear about their jobs.
22:04These are toxic. I'm gonna throw them out.
22:07Oh, oh, oh, I've been wanting to ask you.
22:09Have you seen how Amy is hovering over Dan?
22:12I think they're hooking up.
22:13Dan is not dipping his pen in that ink stain.
22:17Plus, she's getting kind of fat in the front.
22:20Did you see that?
22:21It is literally all I can think about.
22:25Hey, Gary.
22:27Mm-hmm?
22:28Why would you want to be president?
22:30To give it to you, of course.
22:32Oh, that's good.
22:34God, I know what I want to say,
22:36but I can't find the words.
22:38What if you talk and I type?
22:40How about that?
22:41You just say it out loud, and then I'll just type it.
22:43Okay, yeah, let's try that.
22:45Great, great, great. This is fun.
22:47Well, from the time I was a girl.
22:49From the time I was a pretty girl.
22:52No, not pretty girl.
22:53No.
22:54From the time I was a girl.
22:55Oh, but you're so pretty.
22:57I know.
22:58But, anyway, I have fought.
23:01Oh, good, good.
23:03Every day.
23:04So good.
23:05To make America...
23:06A very good place.
23:08Now, don't finish my sentences.
23:10I thought that's where you were going.
23:11You don't know where I'm going.
23:13To the White House.
23:14You know what I would like to tell people,
23:16but obviously I can't.
23:17No, say it here.
23:18I should be president...
23:19Yep.
23:20...because it is my goddamn term.
23:24I was a game changer.
23:26Yep.
23:27I took a dump on the glass ceiling,
23:29and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys' club.
23:33Muff.
23:34For three years,
23:35Hughes kept me chained to a radiator
23:38in some basement in Cleveland.
23:40So, as far as I'm concerned,
23:42America owes me an eight-year stay in the White House.
23:47Yes.
23:48And this time, I want a war.
23:51Yes!
23:54All right.
23:55Do you want me to read that back?
23:56No, we can't use any of that.
23:58I don't know.
23:59I mean, it sounds like I'm shouting from a balcony in Munich.
24:02Macavita.
24:03Okay, just put down something
24:04about how I want to give the American people a better deal
24:07or some fucking crap like that.
24:09It's very Kennedy-esque.
24:11John.
24:12Not Teddy.
24:14Or the rapey one.
24:17Or the one that killed that little girl.
24:19Amy?
24:22Hey, can I come in?
24:25I need to talk to you.
24:27Come in.
24:29Hey, um, just a quick heads-up.
24:31You might want to keep this door closed.
24:33I'm gonna fuck Mike's boss.
24:34My Spidey sense tells me she's gonna yelp
24:36like a seagull in a bread factory, so...
24:40Yeah.
24:42Just stick it in there good, pal.
24:45Only way I know how.
24:53That lobby bar better be open.
24:57I'm gonna have it all by my fucking self.
25:01What is she talking about?
25:03Probably a cheesecake or something.
25:06You said it, not me.
25:09All right, nighty-night.
25:13Oh, shoot.
25:15Hey, Dan, it's your roomie Gary.
25:18Ah, I forgot my key.
25:23Hey, Dan?
25:26Hey, Dan?
25:31My heart medicine's in there.
25:40Oh, good, there you are.
25:42Okay, I need coffee and any kind of egg white frittata.
25:46Okay?
25:47Put your jacket on.
25:48This isn't a homeless shelter.
25:50Yeah.
25:56Oh, hey.
25:58Hey, uh...
26:00Listen, I just don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy to anyone
26:03who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker
26:05struggling to pay off her college loans, you know?
26:08I appreciate the soul-searching.
26:10But if you want to, like, go Dutch or whatever on the abortion,
26:12just hit me up on Venmo, okay?
26:14Oh, and you know what?
26:15Naked public, okay?
26:16Shows I'm a gentleman.
26:20Oh, thanks, guys.
26:24Wow, this place has feminine symbolism
26:28spurting out of its dickhole.
26:30All right, boys, let's go launch this rocket.
26:33I just hope it's the Columbia, not the Challenger.
26:35Both exploded, killing all aboard.
26:37Okay, whatever, the one without the schoolteacher.
26:40What is going on here?
26:42Where is the stage?
26:44This was all supposed to be done, like, six hours ago.
26:46And I mean, the tents aren't even here.
26:48Well, I'm guessing those were supposed to be put up
26:50four or five hours ago.
26:52Ma'am, it turns out back in 2008,
26:56your campaign did not pay the bill for your announcement.
27:00Listen, I want you to meet Nick Spooner.
27:03He owns the tent company.
27:05Hello, Mr. Spooner.
27:07Spooner.
27:08If you could just set up the stage.
27:11Your Honor, I totally respect your office
27:15and your service to this country
27:17as former commander-in-chief of the armed services.
27:19Well, it's my pleasure. Thank you.
27:21And I want to say that I love America.
27:23However, I am sick and tired
27:27of these hoity-toity people like yourself
27:31prancing in here with this la-ti-da attitude
27:35and total disregard for the working-class people
27:39of this country like myself.
27:41Truth to power. Good for you.
27:43My aide, Mr. Walsh, would like to speak with you.
27:47Your hat is so fun.
27:51The bee. Have you been to Barbuda?
27:53Can we just pay this townie and get on with it?
27:56Please.
27:57It's too late now. The press is already arriving.
27:59So the national press is now arriving
28:03to this giant metaphor for a clusterfuck campaign.
28:10Actually, it's a synecdoche.
28:11Technically, it's more of a goat rape than a clusterfuck.
28:14If I ever needed a miracle, it's right now.
28:19Uh, ma'am, there's been a mass shooting
28:21in a mall in Phoenix.
28:2327 people have been killed.
28:24Oh, my God.
28:32Oh.
28:34This can work for us?
28:37Yes, because we could possibly announce now
28:40out of respect for the victims.
28:43Hallelujah!
28:44Praise the rational equivalent of Jesus,
28:47what Bonhoeffer would call
28:48the spirit of beloved community.
28:50We have to send that shooter a nice thank-you card.
28:53Well, actually, he shot himself before he could be apprehended.
28:56I'll send something to his wife.
28:57Oh, actually, he shot her first.
28:59I am literally shaking from this.
29:01I can't believe it.
29:03Hey, guys!
29:05This is our chance to get in front of the marriage story,
29:09shape the narrative.
29:10Okay.
29:11All right.
29:12Ooh.
29:14What was that?
29:15I'm just adjusting your mic.
29:17I was chemically castrated, remember?
29:24As adults, you met again at Nancy's father's funeral?
29:28Right. He was just so tall
29:30that I fell in love with him that night.
29:33And, um, two months later, we were married.
29:37In a normal marriage.
29:39Not weird or disgusting at all.
29:41Normal.
29:42So what would you say to someone who might ask,
29:45how can they marry their step-siblings?
29:49I'm not her brother, and I never was.
29:51Except for that one year.
29:53It's exactly what Woody Allen did.
29:55I'm clearly no more of a pervert than he is.
29:57And if you're gonna criticize us,
29:59then you better be prepared to criticize Woody Allen
30:03and the little Chinese girl.
30:04Exactly.
30:05I would like to offer my thoughts and prayers
30:08for the victims and their families.
30:10And I realize that there are those who say
30:12that thoughts and prayers aren't enough,
30:15but prayer works.
30:17Believe me, it worked for me today.
30:19Amen.
30:20Whoo!
30:24And...
30:26And this may not seem like the right time,
30:31but I have to say that I love this country.
30:35I think we all do.
30:37And I am sick and tired of all these hoity-toity people
30:43prancing around with their la-di-da attitudes
30:46with complete disregard for the rights
30:52of normal, working-class men and women.
30:56Yeah.
30:58And that is why I want to be president
31:01of the United States of America!
31:04And my candidacy begins right now!
31:09Thank you!
31:10Do you vote, though?
31:11Thank you!
31:12Yes.
31:13This is the bill for Mr. Spooner,
31:14the old work-plus today.
31:16Yeah.
31:17I'm not paying that.
31:19So, at the center of all of this emotional turmoil
31:24is Beth's father,
31:26Jonah's stepfather, Lloyd Hennick.
31:29He was a monster.
31:30Mr. Hennick, would you join us, please?
31:32Go ahead.
31:33What? What?
31:34Have a seat.
31:35I'm sorry, what is he doing here?
31:36Did you know about this?
31:37No!
31:38Hi, Jonah.
31:39Oh, hi, Jonah.
31:40Lloyd, is there anything you would like to say
31:43to your son, your stepson, Jonah?
31:47Yes, Jonah, I have always tried to be there for you.
31:50That's why I bought you your first car
31:52and paid for all six years of college, champ!
31:54Well, how come you failed me in algebra, Mr. Hennick?
31:56You failed eighth-grade math?
31:58You know, my mom never loved you.
32:00You know that? She told me that.
32:01Thanksgiving, 1996.
32:03We would love to have him back, you know, by himself.
32:05It would be great.
32:06Eat a dick!
32:07Nancy, ever since the kids have gotten together,
32:10it's just reminded me of how much I miss you.
32:13No, no, no, no, no!
32:15Do not touch her! No!
32:17Those hands are for making me hot pockets and nothing else.
32:20I'll make you hot pockets.
32:22Do you want me to move?
32:24Yes, you guys switched.
32:25How does this make you feel, Nancy, with this?
32:28It makes me feel terrible.
32:29I miss him! I miss him!
32:31No, no, no, no!
32:33I'm gonna be president! I'm gonna be president!
32:37I'm gonna be president!
32:38What?
32:39I'm gonna be president!
32:40Well, actually, since this segment first aired,
32:42Jonah's numbers are up over 3%.
32:44He's tapped into something.
32:46Yeah, his stepsister.
32:47Well, it's playing big with non-college-educated white males
32:51and with college-educated white males.
32:53Basically, white males.
32:55This entire country is getting more disgusting by the second.
33:00That's a demo we're targeting mostly on Facebook.
33:03Okay, can we just talk about how I pulled
33:06one of the all-time campaign announcements
33:09out of my lily-white anus?
33:12Kudos on that, Gary.
33:13What?
33:14The field could not be any clearer.
33:15I know, it's weird.
33:16Ma'am, you need to see this.
33:17I believe that our country will always be a shining beacon of hope.
33:22Oh, God, he looks good.
33:23For our own people and those who will learn from our example.
33:25And that is why I would like to announce my candidacy
33:28for the office of president of the United States of America.
33:31That! Right there! That's the Keith Quinn I was talking about!