Veep Season 6 Episode 7 Blurb
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00:00This is Shawnee Tanns, daughter of Sherman Tanns.
00:04We're engaged.
00:05What, we are?
00:06There's a ring on hold at Tiffany's.
00:08Pick it up by 6, it's already paid for.
00:10You have three text messages from Helen Wright.
00:13I can still taste you in my mouth from last night.
00:16Will you pack up your crayons and get the fuck out of here?
00:19This is my last day as a regular part of the CBS morning show family.
00:25To the Jeffersons!
00:27Nobody's gonna keep us down because we are moving on up.
00:29I have another call from the publisher.
00:31We need to buckle down and start writing the book.
00:34You've never shook the devil's hand?
00:36You mean masturbate?
00:38Self-husband.
00:39How is that possible?
00:41I'll figure it out.
00:42I'll probably figure it out.
00:50Selina Meyer didn't just shatter the glass ceiling.
00:53She swept up every single shard so that my daughter and your daughters will never even know it existed.
01:02Well, that just tickles my twat.
01:04Gosh, Montez is actually gonna say that at my portrait unveiling in English.
01:09Yeah, in front of 200 of Washington's most important people.
01:13And Mike.
01:14See, Mike?
01:15That is good writing.
01:16Why can't you write like that?
01:18I'm the first to admit I'm not the world's greatest speech writer.
01:21Ma'am, the White House wants us to finalize your guest list by the day after yesterday.
01:27Okay.
01:28So today.
01:29It's a hot ticket.
01:30What about Congressman Jonah Ryan?
01:37Richard, you have such a good sense of humor.
01:40Amy, you should take a cue from him.
01:42Ma'am?
01:43Really.
01:44Greg Morehouse is here for our meeting.
01:45He's your editor.
01:46I know that.
01:47Hey, Greg.
01:48Can we get you some coffee or some tea or...
01:51Do you have some baijo white tip?
01:53Um...
01:54I do.
01:55Oh.
01:56Well, there you go.
01:57Uh, so, what did you think of the manuscript?
02:01It's rough, of course, but...
02:03I think it's really interesting.
02:04Oh, and so healthy.
02:06The dad and the horse.
02:07I know, right?
02:08Well...
02:09There's just one little thing.
02:10Sure.
02:11We do need a bit more of the presidency in there.
02:14I mean, the book ends with you going off to college.
02:17That's right.
02:18Yes.
02:19And the presidential stuff will be in volume two,
02:22Meyer Ascendant.
02:24And three, the Meyer year.
02:26Yes.
02:27I get that.
02:28And if you want to stick with this book as is,
02:29I completely understand.
02:31We're just going to need our advance back.
02:33There was an advance?
02:34Quiet.
02:35Quiet.
02:40And Moses led his people to the land of...
02:43Hanukkah.
02:44Canaan, Rabbi.
02:45Shut up, Nikhil.
02:46That stupid hat is too small for my head.
02:49Yarmulke.
02:50Fine, the stupid hat is too small for my yarmulke.
02:52It's okay, Yonah.
02:54Conversion to Judaism is about a commitment to the Jewish lifestyle.
02:58Oh, good, because all this learning is giving me a yarmulke ache.
03:01Just to remind everybody that next week we'll be rededicating the sanctuary.
03:06Sorry, I have to go to the White House.
03:08President Meyer's unveiling.
03:09Okay.
03:10The final invitation list went out and you're not on it.
03:13Oh, Jesus Christ.
03:15I'm sorry, I can say that now and still get into heaven, right?
03:18Actually, Yonah, Jews don't believe in heaven.
03:20Shut the fuck up, Nikhil.
03:23Wait, Shani, how am I going to see my dog again?
03:26Is there, like, a Jew place for dogs?
03:29All right, Mike, we got 30 days to write your new draft.
03:31Get out that diary, pick a day, and let's go.
03:34June 14th.
03:35Ooh, chock full.
03:36Oh, goody, great.
03:37Briefing on infrastructure bill.
03:39Clutch with Wichita Notary Group.
03:41Review on legislative conference regarding pharmaceutical labeling.
03:45Oh, we're fucked.
03:47I don't even remember any of that.
03:49Well, some things are so dull you have to block them out.
03:52No kidding.
03:53I mean, I'm sure that I played with Catherine when she was a child,
03:55but for the life of me, I can't remember one second.
03:59Oh, and there she is.
04:00Hey.
04:01Well, we had a great wellness check at the doctor's today.
04:04So, is it a boy, is it a girl?
04:07It's a baby.
04:08It's a baby.
04:09No.
04:10Mm-mm.
04:11We're not doing that.
04:12No, Mom, we don't want to know.
04:13Catherine, you are not going to be coy or twee about the sex of my grandchild.
04:19This is a human being you are making, not some Brooklyn-based artisanal chocolate bar.
04:26Birth gender isn't even that relevant.
04:28She-he will decide her his ideal gender when she-he is already.
04:31Okay.
04:32Is that how we're talking now, Marjorie, like some sort of bi-curious porky pig?
04:38I'm not doing that.
04:39I had an aunt who transitioned twice.
04:41She was trapped inside a man, and then that man was trapped inside of another woman.
04:45Oh, like a turducken.
04:46Mm-hmm.
04:47Mom, it's not that big of a deal.
04:48We have baby names picked out either way.
04:50Leslie or Dana, if it's a boy.
04:52And for a girl, we like Linus.
04:54Okay, that feels like child abuse.
04:56Yes.
04:57Okay, I can't.
04:58Can you just go away, Catherine?
05:00That's fine.
05:01We're late anyway.
05:02Richard has doula class, and we're bringing the snacks.
05:04What?
05:05It'll be my first human birth, so...
05:07What is happening?
05:08What is happening?
05:09It's just...
05:10Gender is simple.
05:11Right.
05:12You're a girl.
05:13I'm a boy.
05:14Well...
05:15Hey, what about some of that Leslie stuff?
05:16You think that would spice up the book?
05:18Catherine's forbidden affair with your secret service agent?
05:21Yeah, but I mean, does anybody really give a shit about two average-looking lesbians?
05:25I don't mind them.
05:26Ugh.
05:27I'll tell you one thing people would flip out about.
05:30Hmm.
05:32A book about my sex life.
05:34Seriously, I mean, obviously we can't do that.
05:37Yeah, you can't do that.
05:39Really?
05:40Why can't we?
05:41You can do that.
05:42I mean, that book would fly off the shelves.
05:45Fly.
05:46People would pay whatever it is a book costs, you know?
05:49And everybody knows that I dated Charlie Baird.
05:52Oh, Charlie.
05:53But there's somebody else that I slept with.
05:55Somebody that I worked with closely.
05:58All due respect, ma'am.
05:59We all knew you were, uh, with Kent.
06:02Kent?
06:03My snatch isn't a data port.
06:05What are you talking about?
06:06I slept with Tom James.
06:09Whoa.
06:11In the white-hot White House.
06:13In the Oval?
06:14With your running mate?
06:15On the couch.
06:17Ma'am, we have a bestseller.
06:20I mean, it was the green room, but...
06:22What?
06:23How do you know that?
06:24You said it was at the Congressional Ball.
06:26Oh, did I say that?
06:28I think so.
06:29Did I?
06:30Ma'am, we got gold.
06:31Gold?
06:32You think I should give him a call?
06:33That's a classy move.
06:34Yeah, I'll get his number.
06:35Or I could go and I could see him in person.
06:38No, no, no, no, no.
06:39You want to go with?
06:40I can take notes.
06:41Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
06:42No.
06:43Mm-mm.
06:44It's the new CBS This Morning.
06:46Welcome to the new CBS This Morning.
06:48I'm Dan Egan.
06:49And I'm Bri Ramachandran.
06:51Jane McCabe is on special assignment.
06:53We start our day in the state of New Hampshire,
06:55where Hurricane Chloe has taken a turn for the deadly.
06:58Boring.
06:59God, how can anybody jerk off to her with him sitting right there?
07:02I'm sure you'll find a way, Congressman.
07:04The Ethics Committee is debating ending its probe
07:08into Representative Lawler's Nantucket trip.
07:11You will vote yes,
07:12despite the strong evidence of cocaine use and reckless boating.
07:15That guy knows how to party.
07:17Then Tuesday, you have the White House meeting on raising the debt ceiling.
07:20Unless they try to kick it down the road for a couple of months
07:23and hope we get hit by an asteroid.
07:25Are you listening to anything we're saying?
07:27Yeah.
07:28Cocaine, boating, asteroids, whatever.
07:31Did you guys get invited to this unveiling thing?
07:33Naturally.
07:34How come you guys got invited and I didn't?
07:36Because we worked for the president and didn't cost her the presidency.
07:39And because we don't look like Herman Munster's brother
07:42who liked to molest that pudgy werewolf kid?
07:44Charlie.
07:45Also played by Fred Wynn.
07:47Season one, episode nine.
07:49Can I have your plus one?
07:50No.
07:51I'm bringing my highline instructor.
07:53Female-ish.
07:54Ben, what about your plus one?
07:55I work for you. I don't date you.
07:57Maybe I'm going to go hire some women and I'm going to make them date me.
08:02And tomorrow, a sex offender registry for dogs.
08:07It's about time.
08:09Until then, I'm Brie Ramachandran.
08:11And I'm Dan Egan,
08:12bringing you your morning every morning of every day
08:15for many mornings to come.
08:17And we are clear.
08:19Great show, people.
08:20What did you think of that new sign-off?
08:22You sound like a Scientologist.
08:23Really?
08:24Kinda.
08:25Can I talk to you for a second? Actually, both of you in here?
08:26Yeah.
08:27So, we got the results back from the first testing of the new host pairing.
08:30Oh, nice.
08:31And something interesting jumps out from the data, which is...
08:35People say that you two don't have any chemistry,
08:38which is their words, not mine, but also mine.
08:41I've never not had chemistry with a woman.
08:44People like the energy that you and Jane had.
08:46It was this raw sexual vibe because you two were...
08:48Jesus, we were not fucking.
08:50Okay, going down on each other or whatever, I don't wanna know.
08:52Jesus Christ.
08:53The point is, people find you two cold together.
08:56But I'm actually fucking her.
09:00Dan!
09:01And aren't you engaged to a Yankee?
09:02Yeah, I am.
09:03That's why I told you not to tell anybody.
09:05Aw, that's sweet.
09:06Look, Dan, Brie, you two don't have to make up this crazy story
09:10about you two fucking.
09:11We're not making this up, okay?
09:13We are fucking.
09:14Like a lot.
09:15I don't know, maybe you two should fuck differently then.
09:17That's where I draw the line, man.
09:18I don't take notes on how I fuck.
09:20I, however, I am willing to do anything
09:22because I cannot lose this job.
09:24Not before my wedding.
09:25Um, also, just a little thing here.
09:28People don't like you in yellow.
09:29Oh.
09:30See? Told ya.
09:33Jesus Christ, Tom, what is this?
09:35This is just temporary.
09:36We're moving into the big office next month.
09:38Oh, good, yeah.
09:39I was feeling cramped.
09:41My goodness, lucky to you.
09:43Do you keep him busy?
09:44I am, yeah.
09:45Yeah, I made a deal to write a book, as a matter of fact.
09:48Well, that's funny because I did, too.
09:51Yes, I wrote a blurb for your upcoming tome.
09:54Of course you did.
09:55Sight unseen.
09:56Right, right.
09:57Yeah, what is the title?
09:58Is it Investing with a Conscience?
10:00Conscience, yes.
10:01So it's sci-fi.
10:03Just trying to keep the lights on.
10:05Yeah.
10:06Well, the book that I'm writing,
10:08I wanted to give you a heads up
10:09because I was toying with the notion
10:12of perhaps mentioning our little encounter.
10:18Selina, I'm sorry.
10:20No, that's all right.
10:21There's something I wanted to say.
10:22You know, you did me the honor of choosing me
10:25as your running mate,
10:26and I repaid that honor with betrayal.
10:30Yeah.
10:32I guess my ego allowed me to believe
10:35that folksy old Tom James
10:37was above all that beltway horseshit,
10:39and in the end, I just turned out to be
10:41another blue-bottle fly
10:43feeding another heaping mouthful of Seabiscuit's finest.
10:49Wow.
10:51I didn't come here to ask for an apology,
10:54but I certainly appreciate getting one from you.
10:56Well, you deserve it.
10:57If it makes you feel any better if I was in your shoes,
11:00I probably would have tried to steal the presidency, too.
11:03Well, that's what made the two of us
11:04such a beatable combination.
11:06Yeah.
11:08Selina, I beg you, please don't do this.
11:11Oh.
11:12I have a new life.
11:13I have a new wife.
11:15We are expecting our first child.
11:18Congratulations.
11:20She would be dialing a divorce lawyer
11:22if she ever thought that you and I
11:23had swapped more than appreciative memos.
11:26You understand that.
11:27I do.
11:29Well, I guess I will have to think
11:33outside my box.
11:37Right.
11:39Oh, my God.
11:41Why did I have to fuck
11:43the last remaining gentleman in Washington?
11:46God.
11:47Who said that?
11:48Was that Dolly Madison?
11:49It was James Madison.
11:51Okay, Mike, get up.
11:52So, how'd it go?
11:54Oh, well, he just begged me not to put it in.
11:57So none of it goes in the book?
11:59No, it all goes in.
12:00Good.
12:02With regards to the debt ceiling,
12:04I think we can all agree
12:05that none of us wants to play politics
12:07with the full faith and credit of the United States.
12:10I brought you here face-to-face
12:11to find us a compromise.
12:13Did you get invited to the Meyer unveiling?
12:15Everyone was,
12:16unless you're a mole person
12:17who was cast out of his underground society
12:19for keistering sewer rats.
12:21I wasn't invited.
12:23I know.
12:24Roger?
12:25Madam President,
12:26my extremist colleagues
12:27on the other side of the aisle
12:28have launched a full-fledged and savage attack
12:31against the poor
12:32and disadvantaged of this country.
12:34You are addicted to spending
12:36like the proverbial drunken sailor.
12:39Okay, that part's done.
12:41I can give you a freeze
12:42on the rate of increase on AFDC
12:44and all the Head Start cuts,
12:46but no dice on Medicare.
12:47I can live with that.
12:48All right, gentlemen,
12:49let's get this passed tomorrow.
12:50Uh, excuse me, Miss Caruso,
12:52due to some oversight,
12:54I did not receive my invite
12:56to the unveiling ceremony.
12:57I suggest you ask someone
12:59from President Meyer's team.
13:00Candy, are you all right?
13:02Of course she's all right.
13:03Why are women always checking in on one another
13:05when I am talking to them?
13:07Ma'am, I would appreciate it very much
13:09if I could have an invite to the unveiling thing.
13:12That is President Meyer's invitation list.
13:14It is her fiesta, as you would say.
13:17Okay.
13:18Well, it's your casa...
13:19white-o, as you would say.
13:21Madam President,
13:22are you all right?
13:23Oh, for God's sakes,
13:24you haven't heard the last Jonah Ryan.
13:27Okay, Jeffersons,
13:29sit down.
13:30The Black Caucus gets this room back in 20 minutes.
13:32I do not want to piss those guys off.
13:34Uh, we were talking about the name.
13:36Cherry Tree Choppers
13:37sounds a lot more legitimate.
13:39No!
13:40We already picked a name.
13:41We're the Jeffersons, period.
13:43How about the Rough Riders?
13:45Oh, fuck, that's good.
13:47No, we're already known as the Jeffersons, okay?
13:50And right now,
13:51we need to do something.
13:53Something big
13:54that makes Montez really pay attention to us.
13:57Something like ending Daylight Savings Time?
14:00Something like ending government waste?
14:03Cutting aid to Israel!
14:05Whoa, no!
14:06We're not gonna do that.
14:07Are you crazy?
14:08Cutting aid to veterans!
14:09Great!
14:10They volunteered, right?
14:12We're gonna do all these things,
14:14and we're gonna get invited to that unveiling.
14:17Who's with me?
14:18Yeah!
14:19Yeah!
14:20Yeah!
14:21Wait, you weren't invited?
14:23No, were you?
14:24Yeah.
14:25Oh, for Christ's sake.
14:27Why do you keep saying Tom James and I made love?
14:31Are you a 15-year-old girl?
14:33No.
14:34Richard?
14:35Yes, ma'am?
14:36I want you to get my editor on the phone, okay?
14:38No.
14:39See, you gotta find a different word than screwed.
14:41It's just hard to come up with so many different ways to curse.
14:44Oh, please hold for President Meyer.
14:46I've got Greg Morehouse for you, ma'am.
14:48Greg?
14:49Hello.
14:50Okay, so,
14:51I have got a White House book
14:53I have got a White House book
14:55that is hotter than Nancy Reagan's guide to cocksucking.
14:59I kid you not.
15:00You are gonna be so pleased.
15:02I bought...
15:05Oh!
15:06Ri...
15:07Richard, go and turn on CBS right now.
15:09I'll call you back.
15:11Hey, Tom James is on TV.
15:13Oh, he looks good.
15:14That's the reason I've always said
15:16that Selina Meyer's political acumen
15:18is as sharp as any vine in Washington.
15:20What's wrong with that, my goodness?
15:22Even so, I did not expect to find myself
15:25on a couch in the green room of the White House
15:29having sex with President Selina Meyer.
15:32Right.
15:33Tom James is telling us about the explosive revelations
15:36in his book, Investing with a Conscience,
15:39excerpted in this month's Vanity Fair.
15:41Vanity Fair?
15:42Mike, how did we not know about this?
15:45They called me a couple months ago,
15:46and I thought they were trying to get me to renew my prescription.
15:49Subscription!
15:50I'd always looked up to President Meyer
15:52as something of a mentor.
15:53She's a year older than me.
15:55Okay.
15:56That is a fucking lie.
15:58I mean, where's the follow-up question?
16:00This is disinformation.
16:02Now, Senator, was President Meyer the aggressor?
16:07Your word, not mine.
16:09But again, yes.
16:11I didn't rape him.
16:12He wishes.
16:14Ma'am?
16:15I think he's talking about you.
16:17I guess it's been Tom James.
16:20The book is Investing with a Conscience.
16:22I can't believe I said that steaming turd of a book
16:26was a refreshing take on Wall Street
16:28aimed at your conscience and your funny bone.
16:30Hey, he used my blurb.
16:32Oh, quiet up, Mike.
16:36Gary, call the White House
16:38and tell them to cancel that stupid portrait thing
16:42because I don't want to go.
16:44What are you talking about? You have to go.
16:46I just can't take this.
16:47You know, I've taken the rest of it.
16:49I took the election loss.
16:51I took Andrew's infidelity.
16:53Catherine's Catherine-ness.
16:56Okay?
16:57But this, I cannot take.
17:00Listen to me.
17:01Tom is a weak man.
17:03It wasn't even that good, I gotta tell you this.
17:05Oh, please give me the permission
17:08to tell that to his face tomorrow.
17:10Please, I beg you.
17:11Oh, my God, right.
17:12I forgot Tom is gonna be there.
17:14No, this is like Black History Month.
17:17It never fucking ends.
17:19Do you want me to 69 him?
17:23Oh, 86.
17:25Yeah.
17:26No, because then it just becomes this thing.
17:28Okay, what about the speech?
17:29What about the speech, all right?
17:30President Montez is giving that amazing speech about you.
17:35And I asked them to use the Jackie Kennedy crystal service.
17:39Really?
17:40Yep.
17:41Nobody since Jackie has given as much for their country as you.
17:46That is true.
17:47If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day
17:49with her husband's philandering brains all over her dress
17:52and her head held high looking stunning,
17:55even though they made her ride around in a convertible
17:57like an animal he might had,
17:59you can go to the White House tomorrow
18:02and forget all about those 15 minutes
18:04where he couldn't even unzip the back of your dress.
18:07Wait a minute, what?
18:08How do you know that?
18:11It was in Mike's notes.
18:13Oh, right.
18:18Okay, fine, I'll go, okay?
18:21But I'm not going to have a good time.
18:23And if one person mentions Tom James to me,
18:27I'm going to go piss in that punch bowl.
18:30This country doesn't deserve you.
18:31I know it.
18:35Voting closes in five minutes and we're still missing votes?
18:38Well, well, well.
18:39Sorry, boys, no votes today
18:41on legalizing tiny fleshlights for microwangs.
18:44Except for you, Jilardi.
18:46I wager it takes a whole roll of duct tape
18:48to strap down your hog of a cock.
18:50For your information, we're called the Jeffersons probably
18:53and we're here to shove some liberty up America's ass.
18:56Excuse me, Roger, I'm going to whip it out.
18:58Madam Clerk, Representative Jilardi votes no on HR2970.
19:06Madam Clerk, Representative Clark votes no on HR2970.
19:11This was a done deal.
19:13Now look what you did, you rioting piss-filled skin twizzler.
19:16You made Speaker Marwood run all the way down here.
19:19Now the clots in his legs are going to rush to his brain.
19:22Maybe you were too busy biting James Bond's cable car wire
19:26to realize, but if we don't raise the debt ceiling,
19:29America's financial system is going to go belly up.
19:32Like what, Will?
19:33Like my Labradoodle Teddy when I cover his cock in honey
19:36and give him a sticky licky.
19:38No, ma'am.
19:40You could shut down the government.
19:44Well, maybe the government needs to be shut down
19:47because it's broken.
19:48And when something's broken, you shut it down
19:50and then you turn it back on again like with a router.
19:53And if they didn't want me to shut down the government,
19:55then maybe they should have invited me to the Meyer unveiling.
19:58Do you even know what an unveiling ceremony is?
20:01Look, whether I know what an unveiling is or is not
20:04is not the point.
20:06The point is principles.
20:08Oh, my God.
20:09Just call off your morons, Congressman.
20:12My morons are voting no.
20:18Madam Clerk, on H.R. 2970,
20:22Congressman Ryan votes no.
20:27Lights out!
20:28Lights out!
20:30Lights out!
20:31Lights out!
20:32Lights out!
20:35Here we are.
20:36Look at this place.
20:37It is such a dump, isn't it?
20:39Although I have to admit, I sort of miss it.
20:41Oh, and I miss you, too, the one who got away.
20:45And now she's back for her big day.
20:48Are you wearing makeup?
20:50No.
20:51Yeah.
20:52Madam President, it is so lovely to see you again.
20:56My daughter misses you.
20:59I have no idea what these people's names are.
21:01So much.
21:02I know one thing.
21:03She's the one who put my sweater in the dryer.
21:05Yes.
21:06Right.
21:07Madam President, we've sure missed you around here.
21:10Oh, thank you.
21:12Friend.
21:13Friend.
21:14Where are you taking the Jackie Crystal?
21:17Such a shame.
21:18What's happening right now?
21:19What are those, chips?
21:21Why is there a Coke Zero behind us?
21:23Ma'am, your guests will arrive in a half hour.
21:25They've set up a blue room for your use.
21:27This is Dixie Cup shit show.
21:29It's like we teleported to post-Katrina, Mississippi.
21:32No, there's no tables.
21:34Montez has really taken this Mexican thing too far.
21:37Really, ma'am?
21:38Hey, what is this?
21:39Well, as of a few minutes ago,
21:41Jonah and his merry band of jizz-huffers
21:43drove their short bus right into the debt ceiling vote
21:46and T-boned the entire U.S. economy.
21:48Treasury Secretary Baird ordered a full government shutdown.
21:52All non-essential White House staff
21:54have been furloughed starting immediately.
21:56Hey, Mom.
21:57Okay.
21:58Did we miss it?
21:59No, I'm afraid not.
22:01You know, there's not even a punch bowl for me to piss in here.
22:05Marjorie, Catherine, congratulations are in order.
22:08Oh, right. Thank you.
22:10We just hit the 12-week mark.
22:13It's a boy.
22:23Congressman Furlong.
22:24Brookheimer.
22:25Got your dong of a résumé.
22:27I know you'd chew your own arm off
22:29to escape being handcuffed to Myers' overly-toned corpse
22:33in her dungeon of losers,
22:34but I had to go in another direction.
22:36Tell her why, Will.
22:37You're stronger than me,
22:39and you have a higher reserve of dignity and self-worth,
22:42and I'm trapped in a cycle of abuse.
22:44Better luck next time.
22:45Hey, Fuckleberry Finn.
22:47Christ, you got old.
22:50You want to work for that guy?
22:52Really do.
22:54Tom!
22:55Madam President.
22:56Hey!
22:57What are you doing here?
22:58Can I have a private word with you?
23:01Would that be all right,
23:02or are you afraid that I'll rape you again?
23:06Come, come, come. Yes, yes.
23:08Madam President.
23:09Hiya.
23:10So good to see you, too.
23:12I can't believe that I gave you a goddamn blurb.
23:16Why, Tom? Why did you do that?
23:18For Christ's sake,
23:20we both know how that game is played.
23:22I came to you in good faith,
23:24and I asked.
23:25Well, I...
23:26I did the classy thing.
23:27Come on.
23:28We both know you were going to go ahead and do it anyway.
23:30Of course I was,
23:31but I had the courtesy to seem like I might not.
23:35And then with that TV appearance.
23:37Me, the aggressor?
23:39What is that?
23:40That is sick, sociopathic shit.
23:43I'm worried about you.
23:44I think you need help.
23:45I need help.
23:46Absolutely.
23:47Oh, please.
23:48You've got more issues than National Geographic.
23:51What's going on here?
23:52I don't understand.
23:53Did I do something?
23:55No.
23:56To deserve this?
23:57No, you did nothing.
23:59Wait a minute.
24:00What was that?
24:02Did I hurt your feelings because I...
24:04What?
24:05Because I didn't call you afterwards?
24:07That is just so stupid.
24:08And I would have said the same thing to you a year ago
24:11if you had called me.
24:12Oh.
24:13So you did want me to call.
24:16Oh, poor Tommy.
24:20He wanted me to call him afterwards.
24:23Shut the fuck up!
24:32Sorry, I should not have raised my voice like that.
24:35Madam President,
24:37thank you for inviting us to your unveiling.
24:40My wife is a huge fan.
24:46Yeah, well, you know what?
24:47You can have your trophy wife
24:49and your trophy office
24:51and your trophy baby
24:52who you won't even live to see go to college.
24:56But I still got to be president.
24:58And you never will.
25:06Oh!
25:07I was looking for you.
25:08They're waiting for you to begin.
25:09I swear to God,
25:10Tom James just wanted to fuck me right now.
25:13What?
25:14Yeah, in a real moment.
25:15I raised too much of a pussy to go for my pussy.
25:18Okay, well, that's probably for the best.
25:20I'm not going to get away with that.
25:21Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
25:23I'm back.
25:24What the hell was that?
25:26You really wanted me, didn't you?
25:28There were sparks practically flying out of your dick.
25:31Why am I getting this sense of deja vu?
25:33No, no, no.
25:34I'm not talking about the green room.
25:35That was just a good old-fashioned hate fuck.
25:37Selena, I do not and never have hated you.
25:41You got that right.
25:42You loved me.
25:43Stop it.
25:44You still love me now.
25:45What?
25:46You do.
25:47Admit it.
25:48Admit it.
25:49You are fucking crazy.
25:54Okay, right there.
25:55Right there.
25:56What do you call that?
25:58What was that?
25:59That was...
26:00You want to throw me onto this couch
26:02and pin my legs behind my head and do me.
26:05I am a happily married man, Selena.
26:07Oh, that's not an answer.
26:08What the fuck is wrong with you?
26:10What the fuck is wrong with you?
26:15Okay.
26:16What is...
26:17What do you want me to say, Selena?
26:19What do you want me to say, Tom?
26:21Huh?
26:22That back when I was in the Senate,
26:24the only reason that I co-sponsored S473
26:27was because I had a crush on you?
26:29That when we were in Los Angeles
26:31and we walked out onto the stage to accept the nomination
26:33and you grabbed my hand and you held it up high
26:36and I was like...
26:37Oh, my God.
26:38He's holding my hand.
26:41That when I was in the loony bin,
26:43I thought about you endlessly and I was...
26:46Tom?
26:48Sweetheart.
26:50This is my wife, Alethea.
26:52Alethea?
26:54Is that her name
26:55or is that the pill you take to fuck her?
26:57Alethea!
26:58So nice to meet you, President Meyer.
27:00Oh, so nice to meet you.
27:01I voted for you.
27:02Well, it didn't help.
27:03Mm-hmm.
27:04Okay, you know, I should head back
27:06and deal with the ceremony and so forth.
27:09Ceremony and so on.
27:10Yes, yes, yes.
27:15Ladies and gentlemen,
27:16the President of the United States.
27:18Oh, wow.
27:19That's awesome.
27:21I'll give my left tip for the United States.
27:23Hello, buenas tardes.
27:25Good afternoon.
27:26There are so many things
27:29that I would like to say
27:31about the extraordinary woman
27:33who was my predecessor
27:35here at the White House.
27:36Here comes the mouse.
27:37Out.
27:38But unfortunately,
27:39I have to return to the Oval Office
27:42to deal with the shutdown.
27:43I know Selina Meyer,
27:45who has navigated many crises
27:48in her own term,
27:49will understand.
27:51President Meyer.
27:52Selina.
28:00Now let's take a look
28:01at this beautiful piece of work.
28:05Oh.
28:06Oh.
28:07That's beautiful.
28:08That's beautiful.
28:11Thank you very, very much.
28:14Oh, goodness.
28:15I do wish you could have heard
28:16President Montez's speech
28:18because she's so well-spoken.
28:21Don't you think?
28:22And this is very nice, folks.
28:25Very nice.
28:26Very nice indeed.
28:27You know,
28:30I look around this room
28:32and I see so many portraits
28:34of so many of our great presidents,
28:37and I am reminded
28:40of their many accomplishments
28:43and shining moments.
28:45But I also like to think,
28:48perhaps,
28:49about their not-so-shining moments
28:52and that, um,
28:57well, maybe none of it matters.
29:01You know,
29:02because maybe in a hundred years,
29:06all that anyone will remember
29:09is that you have your portrait
29:12hanging on a wall
29:14in the White House.
29:16So, uh,
29:18out of respect for the furlough,
29:21I think we should wrap things up.
29:23So thank you so much.
29:25What a wonderful thing.
29:32That was a great speech.
29:33Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting.
29:36What chair?
29:37The fond chair in that painting
29:39is the chair that she made love to Andrew Long.
29:42I slept in that chair.
29:43And look at my neck.
29:45My neck?
29:46No, in the painting.
29:48Look at my neck.
29:49I have pardoned turkeys with fewer wattles.
29:52My neck does not look like that.
29:55No, it doesn't.
29:56Madam President.
29:57Oh, yes.
29:58I'm sorry.
29:59This is John Corbin.
30:00He's Montez is me.
30:01Great.
30:02Not exactly.
30:03I have a law degree
30:04and served two tours in Afghanistan.
30:06Oh, congrats.
30:07I'm afraid we're gonna have to start clearing the room
30:10so we can furlough the rest of the staff
30:12in a timely manner.
30:13That makes solid sense.
30:14We'll get out of your hair.
30:15Thank you so much.
30:17This goes inside your jacket.
30:19Ma'am, the painting is stunning.
30:21Well, thank you, Marjorie,
30:22but you're not exactly known for your good taste.
30:25You know what?
30:26This is your fault.
30:27No.
30:28Yes, I should not have come to this thing.
30:30Jesus Christ.
30:31Underage Muslim brides are less traumatized
30:34at their unveiling.
30:35Even they don't have to drink Coke Zero.
30:38At least Jonah wasn't here.
30:40Hey, that's positive, see?
30:42A lot of people are saying that I shut down the government.
30:45You're damn right I did.
30:47I shut down the government for wasting our money.
30:51I shut down the government for interfering with our clocks
30:54and watches.
30:55I shut down the post office
30:57because everybody just uses e-mail anyway.
31:00I shut down NPR because they're a total snooze fest
31:04and they said this shutdown was a bad idea.
31:07I shut down the national parks
31:09so that your parents will have to take you
31:11someplace cool on vacation,
31:12like Disney World or Cancun or Mexico.
31:16Okay.
31:17Okay.
31:18Are there any questions?
31:19The congressman will not be taking any questions.
31:21The congressman will not be taking any questions.
31:24A rocket of stuff there
31:25from the bad boy of Washington, Jonah Ryan.
31:27Wall Street, meanwhile, has reacted to the shutdown
31:30with what analysts are urging us not to label a panic.
31:34Also, are we doing our laundry all wrong?
31:37Japanese efficiency experts say no.
31:40Plus, our own buzzy kind of holly
31:42is going to be reporting the weather
31:43from the place that matters the most, the beach.
31:47Wish I could join him there.
31:49Not me.
31:50I'm not down to my bathing suit weight yet, so...
31:53Oh, please, Bree,
31:54I bet you could fill out a bikini quite nicely.
31:56Oh, Dan.
32:01Well, that's all the time we have for today.
32:03I'm Dan Egan.
32:04And I'm Bree Ramachandran.
32:06Remember, every day starts with morning.
32:10Bye now.
32:15Congressman, you have accomplished more in one month
32:18than most extremely stupid people do in a lifetime.
32:21That's very kind of you to say, ma'am.
32:23Mike, do you have any awareness
32:25of what's been happening with newspapers
32:27in the last ten years?
32:28No, not at all.
32:29I just read the news on my phone.
32:30It's so much better, and it's free.
32:32Yeah, if that makes sense.
32:33Plea donors are getting really restless
32:35about this lack of progress on the library,
32:37so we need to get some new money ASAP,
32:39or we have to give back the old money.
32:41Well, that's a real snatch on me.