Gogglebox UK S24E05 (2024)
On the 'Box this week: Heartstopper, Strictly Come Dancing, The Dog House, Slow Horses, Nadiya's Cook Once Eat Twice, and Will & Ralf Should Know Better.
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TVTranscript
00:00Can we get rid of this thing?
00:02Don't jump on me!
00:06It's coming towards me!
00:08Okay, don't just leave me standing here, can you catch it?
00:12It's coming towards me!
00:16I'm on the top of it!
00:22No!
00:23Here we go!
00:24They've got him!
00:25What are you doing?
00:26Oh, she's a chicken nugget!
00:29Isn't it embarrassing, Merlin?
00:32Oh, kiss!
00:33Oh, that's a bit forward!
00:34This is raunchy, isn't it?
00:36Ring on the doves!
00:37Yeah!
00:38Who's in for the finger this week, isn't it?
00:40Oh!
00:41Oh!
00:42It's so bad, it's actually good!
00:44It's actually good!
00:45What just happened?
00:46Siri, call Ofcom!
00:48In the week Coldplay tried to flog their latest album on QVC, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
00:57The best of Essex was in Fancy Dress on BBC One.
01:05Would you Pete Wicks?
01:06Oh, of course I would!
01:07Would you, would you actually?
01:09Well, I don't know, maybe when push came to shove, I might definitely do it!
01:16A couple of 90s throwbacks were all grown up on you and Dave.
01:20We might look like middle-aged blokes.
01:22Just make the tea.
01:24Clearly, we're just a pair of massive, noisy kids.
01:30I think it's just they're having a midlife crisis, that's all it is.
01:33They're just trying to find out if they can still do stuff like they did when they were 20.
01:37And you're going to have the same problem.
01:39I was going to say, is this something you want to talk about, Dad?
01:41You all right, Dad? You sure you're OK?
01:43I'm not having a midlife crisis, I'm fine.
01:45Is everything all right at home?
01:49And there were plot twists aplenty on Apple TV+.
01:53And when you locked up?
01:54Yeah, well, you'd have to catch me first.
01:57And you're not as good as me.
01:59Although you could be.
02:01If you worked for me.
02:02I'd like to offer you a job.
02:04Do you know, straight down the middle, me, I can see anything coming.
02:11I should work for MFI.
02:16Why? Do you want to sell some wardrobes or something?
02:21No, MFI, oh no, I mean MFI.
02:25You'd be a good worker for MFI.
02:36In Blackpool...
02:37Oh, no.
02:39What?
02:40I think I've accidentally bought a three-wheel van.
02:43Why?
02:44Well, I had a couple of beers last night.
02:46Oh, dear.
02:47Does Pete have?
02:49Pete and his little sister Sophie.
02:54Page.
02:55Can't take your call right now.
02:57Just leave your message after the tone.
02:59When you're done, press hash or just hang up.
03:03Pete's bought a three-wheel van.
03:06Idiot.
03:07What are you doing?
03:11I wouldn't have worded it like that at all.
03:14No, you've dumped me in this shit now.
03:17On Tuesday night, chef Nadia was back on the BBC,
03:20making something out of nothing.
03:22The problem with watching this is...
03:26..Nadia's food looks a lot nicer than yours.
03:29She does present it well, to be fair, doesn't she?
03:31Dad would cook about once a month,
03:33and it would be, like, the most diabolically, like, nice meal.
03:36Yeah. But it's only, like, once a month.
03:38But you are a better cook. No, but there's heads.
03:40Dad's like Ronaldo and you're like Messi.
03:47If I see leftovers in the fridge, I'm like...
03:52Like, not for me. Nah.
03:55If it's in the Tupperware already, nah.
03:58New meal. New meal, thank you.
04:01I was so bad, but it's the truth.
04:03We always make Dad eat the leftovers. Yeah.
04:06Mum's always like, that's Dad's.
04:08Next, an absolutely brilliant gathering board
04:10that's designed to share.
04:12A gathering board? What the bloody hell's a gathering board?
04:15We had a gathering board night for my 29th birthday, didn't we?
04:18Yeah. That were good, that, weren't it?
04:20Jess Wilson made that salami Christmas tree.
04:22Oh, yeah.
04:24This beautiful breakfast is not only now my favourite way to serve eggs...
04:28We love eggs. Yeah.
04:29I like a poached egg, I like a fried egg. Yeah.
04:32Give me a scrambled egg any time.
04:34It's also a great way to start off someone's special day.
04:39Special day? What is that?
04:40My party-perfect poached eggs
04:43Oh, I don't know about that.
04:45Oh, I love beetroot, Ronnie.
04:47I'm not even on the fence on this one.
04:49Eggs and beetroot is a no.
04:54Poached eggs should be on toast, that is it. Yeah.
04:56See, now you could do something, but not have that beetroot egg.
04:59Couldn't anyone do...? Egg.
05:03My favourite way to eat an egg is poached.
05:06I love a warm, runny yolk.
05:09Can you make poached eggs, cos they're the hardest eggs to make?
05:12Well, I can, but sometimes I'll use six eggs
05:15to get to the one egg that I'm going to eat.
05:17I've tried loads, I've tried swelling it round what people say...
05:20Then drop the egg, yeah. ..then drop it in, put it in vinegar.
05:23Yeah. Oh, I've had them in... Oh, I don't put vinegar.
05:25I've had them in cling film, put them in there, burnt my fucking fingers.
05:29I just can't do poached eggs.
05:31First, get a pan of water on the hob and one bowl for every single egg.
05:35Oh, how much washing up does she want to make?
05:38You can tell she's got a dishwasher.
05:40And then just drop them in. OK.
05:43We've been having that in the tornado blasters.
05:45So she's just going to crack it right in there?
05:47No, she's got that wrong. Yeah.
05:49It should be swirly, swirly. It should be swirly, swirly.
05:51Sorry, Mr Professional Chef over here.
05:53Now for my third tip for poached egg perfection.
05:57A bowl of cold water plus some ice cubes.
05:59Oh, put them in ice water, innit?
06:01Oh, let's be fair, who wants to be funny in a boat like this?
06:05I bet it's Joseph Joseph that, about 300 quid.
06:08Yeah, for an ice cube tray.
06:10It won't be the one that's come with the freezer.
06:12Oh, God, no.
06:13Now to build my breakfast board.
06:15Why a board? Why a board?
06:17I suppose she can't really afford to use any more plates
06:19cos they're all in the washing up.
06:21That's right, it's in her board.
06:22She's probably got that out the garage.
06:24This kind of beats having beans on toast, doesn't it?
06:27No. No.
06:28Don't slag off beans on toast.
06:30Students for centuries have got by on beans on toast.
06:33Not beetroot smoothie. No.
06:36Remember, we eat with our eyes.
06:38If somebody served you this, you'd be like, wow.
06:40It wouldn't be wow. No.
06:42What have you done?
06:44I want to add some texture, so I've got pickled red cabbage.
06:47Red cabbage. If she puts red cab... No, I'm out.
06:50Red cabbage for breakfast.
06:53And wait for it.
06:54What's she done now? What's she putting on?
06:56A drizzle of honey.
06:57Honey and eggs. Honey and eggs.
06:59Nothing is a rule-breaker in the kitchen.
07:02Like, you just don't know what to expect with her.
07:05We like honey, don't we?
07:07Not on an egg, though. Yeah.
07:09Not on a bloody egg, no.
07:11The best way to eat this is with warm, crispy, buttered toast.
07:16Thank you. Jeez, I did wonder.
07:18Oh!
07:19Yeah, warm, crispy, buttery toast.
07:21Now we're talking.
07:26Do you know what I'd rather have for breakfast?
07:28A ciggy, and I don't even smoke.
07:30I think that this might be all right in London,
07:34in a city where there's lots of different nationalities,
07:39but you're not going to get some old Tory doing this, Nutty,
07:42in the shires.
07:43Oh, you are. You're not.
07:45Yes, you are, Tubbs.
07:46Tory's going to look at that and they're going to scream.
07:51Do you know what?
07:52I was looking through social media on my old photos
07:55and some of the stuff that I used to wear, wow.
07:58I used to wear V-necks all the time.
08:01I never got those.
08:02Oh, the low ones? I'm a cow, man.
08:04And I used to put Vaseline in the crease as well,
08:07do you know what I mean? To make it shine?
08:09Yeah, make it shine.
08:10Nah, you went too far.
08:12Brothers Tremaine, Twain and Tristan.
08:14So you used to contour your chest?
08:16Yeah, contour, you know what I mean?
08:18That's what I mean.
08:19To make it, like, pop out a bit, you know what I'm saying?
08:22You shouldn't have told me that.
08:24That's some footballers ting, man.
08:30On Monday night, a couple of likely lads were off
08:34on a voyage of self-discovery on you and Dave.
08:37Will Mellor and Ralph Little, yeah.
08:40I've been looking forward to this.
08:42I like them, you know.
08:43I can't get enough Will Mellor in my life.
08:45I think they've been friends for 20 years
08:47since they met on Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.
08:50Yes.
08:51Which we've never watched even one episode of.
08:53And I'm sure it was good at the time.
08:55It must be good, it's on every night on, you know, old telly.
08:59It's Dave!
09:01This is Will.
09:03I have no idea who that is.
09:05And this is Ralph.
09:07I think Ralph Little has got better with age as well.
09:10Happens to some fellas. Yeah.
09:12We might look like middle-aged blokes.
09:14And we are.
09:15But really, we're just a pair of massive...
09:18Fellas.
09:21Kids. Oh, kids.
09:25Will or Ralph?
09:27I think I'd marry Ralph and then have a roll in the hair with Will.
09:32You'd have a shag in the boathouse with Will. Yes!
09:35We are going to military hostile environment training.
09:40That doesn't sound good at all.
09:42Oh, I'd love to do that. Would you?
09:44Yeah, go to... Yeah, well, OK, I don't know what they're going to do.
09:47But in my head, they're going to go around and shoot loads of stuff.
09:50I've done walking marathons before. Walking?
09:53You think that's the same as military training?
09:55No, but I'm getting there. And it was for charity.
09:58Hostile environment training is a serious military training exercise
10:02that teaches you coping strategies for stressful situations
10:05such as combat zones or kidnappings.
10:08I need this to deal with you. You're a hostile environment.
10:11How much are you thinking you'd love it now?
10:13I've gone off the idea. Yeah, I thought you might.
10:15Listen, whatever happens, I've got you.
10:18We're getting paid.
10:21What is that? What's what? Oh, shit, is it happening already?
10:24What? What? What?
10:25That's a roadblock with people with guns. No, it's not.
10:28Yes, it is. Oh, shit.
10:30Uh-oh. Uh-oh, it's started, Steve. Yeah.
10:33It's started a roadblock.
10:35I need to see some IDs from yourselves, OK?
10:37Yeah, can I get a vehicle index checked?
10:40I feel like this lot are, like, retired
10:43and they're just doing a bit of cosplay.
10:45Yeah, you know, he probably does Father Christmas.
10:48The garden centre.
10:50Would you like to keep your hands where we can see them, please?
10:53Yeah.
10:54Oh! No, no, no.
10:56A man of you would actually punch him.
10:58No, that would piss me off.
11:00Watch my foundation. I know, but, like, bloody hell, he's Emma.
11:03She's afresh.
11:04You're quiet in a passenger seat. What's going on?
11:07Stop. Take him out and search him.
11:09Trousers off.
11:10I don't know what this is like. This is like the start of a porno.
11:13Terrorist attack, but two guys you don't recognise.
11:15You're obviously not from here.
11:17Two guys we don't recognise, that'll have kicked him straight in the...
11:20..in the python.
11:21Where the fuck are you?
11:22What's he got on his hand?
11:24Oh, he's got a detonator.
11:26Oh, for fuck's sake.
11:28Get your fucking hands in the air.
11:30Oh!
11:31She was not expecting that.
11:33Get your head down. On your knees.
11:35Oh, I wouldn't like this.
11:36Who did it?
11:37Slot him. Kill him.
11:39What? That's a bit mad, isn't it?
11:43We're getting bags on their head!
11:45Where's Will defending Ralph?
11:47He's...
11:48I'm going nowhere.
11:49I'll look after you, Ralph. Don't worry.
11:52Why's he shooting?
11:54Are they just shooting?
11:55No.
11:56Pretend shooting? Yes.
11:57Stay still! Stay down!
11:59I didn't realise you'd fucking actually do it.
12:01Oh, my God.
12:03They've killed him.
12:04The dogs are stupid.
12:05He didn't realise.
12:06I didn't realise you'd actually do it.
12:08Get that body in the boot.
12:09Fucking move!
12:10They've just shot Ralph.
12:11Get him in!
12:12Stay still!
12:13Get him in!
12:14Get him in!
12:15Oh, he's in, he's going.
12:16Oh, Ralph!
12:17Oh, Ralph, he's playing it well.
12:19Considering he's dead,
12:20the fact that he's managed to fold himself into that boot
12:23is fantastic.
12:24Head forward! Head forward!
12:26Go, go, go, go!
12:27Move!
12:28Go, go, go!
12:29Well, they're pissing off.
12:30What's going on?
12:31Yeah, what's going on here?
12:35Does he know they've ran away?
12:36Now what?
12:38About 27 minutes went past.
12:41Oh, you are joking!
12:43How long would you wait, though?
12:45Oh, you'd leave me forever.
12:46You'd have caught the next bus home, you.
12:52It's creeping!
12:55It's me.
12:56Are you all right?
12:59Did he really stay in there with that over his head?
13:01I don't believe it.
13:02I would have took that off the minute they closed the lid.
13:04Fucking hell!
13:05Oh, you're all right!
13:07Fuck off!
13:10We all went to go and put the bag back on his head!
13:13I've actually been in a boot before.
13:15Have you?
13:16Yeah, I'm hardcore like that, yeah.
13:18Yeah, I took one for the team
13:20because there wasn't enough space in the car
13:22and as the tallest one, I said to them,
13:24guys, don't worry, I'll get in my boot.
13:26And I was in there for, like, 30 minutes,
13:28going over speed bumps and everything.
13:31Bang in my head the whole time.
13:33Yeah, back, back, back.
13:35Yeah, back and forth, yeah.
13:37So I took one for the team, so you can rely on me.
13:41Yeah, in a hostile environment, I'm the one you go to.
13:44Yeah.
13:45You can be in the boot.
13:46I'll be in the boot, mate.
13:48By the club and all.
13:58In Surrey...
13:59Got a visitor, Simon.
14:00What's his name?
14:01Ted.
14:02He wants you to lift him up.
14:03I can't lift you up, Ted.
14:04You've got to climb up.
14:05You've got stronger legs than me.
14:07Simon and his sister, Jane.
14:09Just push him away, Simon.
14:13Look, he's going to get overexcited now.
14:15I don't blame him.
14:17I feel violated.
14:20Oh, my God, Ted.
14:22On Saturday night, we hot-stepped our way
14:24through our favourite Hollywood hits on BBC One.
14:27Hey, you ready for some Strickley?
14:31Movie week this week.
14:33I love movie week.
14:40You're lucky that Strickley's on while you're pregnant,
14:43cos what would you do on a Saturday night
14:45if you were pregnant and no Strickley?
14:47Well, this is it. I'd be stuck.
14:56Pete Wicks.
14:57He can't dance, but he's doing better.
15:01Do you know what?
15:02If you were doing one for a film, Soph,
15:04it'd be in homage to your hair, it'd be Grease.
15:09You do, babe, cos you're a fucking pig.
15:15Dancing to Samba from the movie George of the Jungle.
15:18One of my personal favourites.
15:20George, George, George of the Jungle.
15:22Watch out for the tree.
15:24Pete Wicks.
15:25And your feature...
15:26Oh, that's sick!
15:28Look at all these special effects that Strickley are doing now.
15:31Bloody hell, there's a lion on the dance floor.
15:38Grumpy!
15:40Why is he whining like that?!
15:43That's disgusting.
15:44Disgusting.
15:48Oh, my God, look at him, just whining in Craig's face.
15:51He's trying to get more votes from Craig
15:53and I think it's going to work.
15:55That will work. That'd work for me.
15:59George, George, George of the Jungle.
16:01Pete's really going at it.
16:03Jesus Christ, have you choreographed this?
16:05Ooh, he can move, can't he?
16:07That's all he's moving, though, Julie.
16:09That's all he's done up to now.
16:10That's all he needs to move.
16:14Watch out for the tree.
16:17Ooh, he's not very, er, fluential, mind you, be fair.
16:21What do you mean?
16:22Well, I think he's very reliant
16:24on what he's got hanging between his legs, like...
16:26I think he's got the wrong end of the stick.
16:28It's meant to be about dancing, not pornography.
16:31All that pelvic circling that he's doing is wrong.
16:39I don't know if it's the dress,
16:41but Pete doesn't look right tonight.
16:44He doesn't, does he?
16:45Do you think Pete Wicks has had a spray tan
16:47or do you reckon that's his actual tan?
16:49Do bears shit in the woods?
16:51Of course he's had a spray tan.
16:53Exactly. Strictly, Helen?
16:57Tree.
17:00Oh, no!
17:01No, stop doing pelvic thrusts.
17:04I really don't know whether he's doing well or not
17:07because I'm just very overstimulated.
17:11Whoa, hello, he tripped on a fence!
17:13HE LAUGHS
17:18That was her fault.
17:19It wasn't her fault. It was her fault.
17:22CHEERING
17:24That was, like, one more for good measure.
17:26Yeah, just like, one just for the tree.
17:30I'd love to be that tree right now.
17:34Is he a bit you, Pete Wicks?
17:36Yeah. Oh, yeah.
17:37Josh tells me I'm the worst dancer in the world.
17:40Well, I think you're a good dancer.
17:42He says I do the Georgia Shuffle.
17:44What's the Georgia Shuffle?
17:46He says I pull this weird face only when I'm drunk.
17:51I know what face he's on about.
17:54Yeah!
17:59In Leeds...
18:00I've just seen your message.
18:02Which one?
18:03I've just chased my dog for my wig.
18:07Is this life?
18:08See you soon.
18:09Just getting my bits together.
18:11..best friends Danielle and Daniella.
18:14Do you know what I'm saying? I'm walking out the door,
18:16my wig's at the back, falls on the floor,
18:18Raffy saw an opportunity, man was gone.
18:20With your wig?
18:21With my wig round the table.
18:23I'm like, get here, get here!
18:25I got it back, every curl drop out, lace twists up.
18:29Look.
18:30Did you put the rollers in it last night as well?
18:32It was curly.
18:33I mean, it looks OK.
18:34It don't feel OK.
18:36It feel like it's leaning and bent up.
18:41Get a dog, they said.
18:42Oh, look who arrived.
18:44Raffy, you are too much.
18:47Little wig teeth.
18:50This week, teenage hormones were running high again on Netflix.
18:55Ready for a bit of Nick and Charlie?
18:57Heartstopper.
18:58That's the one.
18:59Yeah, love their relationship.
19:01This is about young love,
19:02which is something you guys haven't experienced in a long time.
19:05At least.
19:06I mean, he has got a point.
19:11Do you remember what relationships were like
19:13when we were at high school?
19:14You just were in a relationship on MSN or Facebook.
19:17Yeah.
19:18And then you didn't actually speak at school,
19:20you just stared at each other from across the playground.
19:22This is based on a book.
19:23Is it?
19:24Yeah, it is, yeah.
19:25Didn't know that.
19:26Is it a good book?
19:27I haven't read it.
19:29I love you.
19:31I'm in love with you and I just wanted you to know.
19:34And you don't have to say it back, yeah?
19:36Is that Charlie confessing his love?
19:38Or is he practising, do you think?
19:40I think he's practising to a picture.
19:41Is he rehearsing?
19:42He's rehearsing for Nick, I think.
19:45He's going to tell him he loves him.
19:47I mean...
19:49I hope you do.
19:50Oh, that would be brilliant, wouldn't it?
19:52She's listening in. Oh, no.
19:53The trouble is, when your sister hears that,
19:55she's just going to start laughing.
19:57Well, maybe she's a nicer sister than the ones I know.
20:00I don't want you to feel pressured, sister.
20:02Oh!
20:04Oh, how embarrassing.
20:05Stop spying on me.
20:07Stop declaring your love so loudly, then.
20:09You know, I can remember when you and Paige were courting
20:12and you'd be living here in your bedroom, doing all this.
20:17So, I've caught you snogging the mirror before now,
20:19so don't give it all up.
20:21I fucking doubt it.
20:27Nick's looking buff.
20:29Nick's been in the gym in between series.
20:32I think you should just tell him straight away.
20:35You don't open the door and go, I love you.
20:37Get it out of the way. No.
20:39Word vomit.
20:42What? Just say it now.
20:45Never seen you in a vest before.
20:47Vest? You've got a vest on.
20:49Maybe I don't love you, actually.
20:51Shall we go? Yeah.
20:54I mean, is it important to tell people you love them?
20:57Of course it's important. What's the matter with you?
21:00Wouldn't they just know by the way you lavish affection on them?
21:04But sometimes it's nice for someone to say...
21:08Spell it out. ..I love you.
21:10Right. Is it important?
21:12All right.
21:19What's the matter with him? Why's he not eating?
21:21Come on, there's a lot going on in Charlie's head right now, innit?
21:24But now I can do what I want.
21:28Oh, Nick's noticed. He knows that it feels uncomfortable.
21:31Right.
21:35Look, everyone's finished eating and touched his food.
21:37Come on, Charlie, what's wrong?
21:40I guess I'm a slow eater today.
21:42I think Nick's a bit worried about Charlie's eating habits.
21:45Losing weight, is it, or something? I don't know.
21:50Do you think Nick thinks Charlie's got anorexia? Possibly.
21:57Oh, he's going to ask him,
21:59have you got, like, an issue eating food and stuff like that.
22:06I need to talk to you about something.
22:08Go on, say it now. Say it.
22:10Yeah. Yeah, I do, too.
22:13Oh, don't bring up the anorexia thing before he's about to say I love you.
22:17They're on two totally different vibes. Oh, fuck.
22:19He's on the love vibe, he's on the anorexia vibe.
22:21Can you do one that's the same time?
22:24You go first. No, no, no, no, he don't want to go first.
22:27No. Oh, he's going to go and tits up this.
22:30I think you have an eating disorder.
22:34Oh! Right.
22:36Charlie's crushed, isn't he? He thought he was going to say I love you.
22:39It's lovely that he, you know, cares so much and wants to help him.
22:42Yeah, but, like, read the room. Yeah.
22:45I'm just trying. I don't think I do.
22:47Oh, he's in denial.
22:49This isn't the romantic trip to the sea that Charlie planned, is it?
22:52Well, that's just piss on his bonfire, isn't it?
22:54Is that what you wanted to talk about as well?
22:56No. No.
22:58Not quite the same.
23:00Yeah. Oh, he's on to tell him.
23:02You've upset him, Nick, you've upset him, see?
23:04Well, he didn't mean to. He cares for him, doesn't he?
23:07That's why he wants to make sure.
23:09Nick? Yeah?
23:11My mum said I have to go home.
23:13Is he going to drop the album now?
23:15Charlie just needs to get it off of his chest.
23:17Yeah.
23:18You know, when we were in the sea...
23:20I had a wish.
23:22..when you asked me whether the eating thing
23:24was what I wanted to talk to you about.
23:26It wasn't what I was actually going to talk to you about.
23:28Oh? OK.
23:30This is good.
23:31You better not tell him I love you
23:33whilst the other guy's washing his arse crack.
23:35I was actually going to say that...
23:37Come on, Charlie! Spit it out!
23:39Charlie, please, say it. I'm on Tinder rocks.
23:44I love you.
23:46HE GASPS
23:47Oh, yes!
23:50Nick?
23:51Is Nick going to say it back?
23:55Oh, God.
23:56Hello, Nick? Speak!
23:58He seems a bit taken aback. Oh, Nick.
24:01I can walk myself home. Bye.
24:04Oh!
24:06Oh, Charlie.
24:08Oh, no!
24:10Idiot.
24:11Such an idiot.
24:13No, no, no, you're not an idiot, Charlie.
24:15He's not an idiot for saying that.
24:18We've all been there.
24:19I know, but he hasn't and this is the end of his world right now.
24:22This is the first time he's had to face a little bit of rejection
24:25and I bet he's absolutely mortified.
24:30Come on, Nick, go get him.
24:31Oh, he's running down the street with no shoes on.
24:33That's romantic.
24:34Charlie!
24:38Oh!
24:39Oh!
24:41Can you say what you said again, please?
24:43It's embarrassing.
24:45Oh, he's asking him to say it again so he can say it back to his face.
24:48That's cute, innit? That's well cute.
24:51I love you.
24:55He's got to say it back. Come on.
24:57Come on, Nick. Come on.
24:59You've got to say it back.
25:00I just wanted to tell you cos you're going away
25:02and I won't see you for a few weeks.
25:04I love you too.
25:05Oh!
25:07Oh!
25:08Thank fuck for that.
25:10We've only waited the whole episode.
25:12Come here, you idiot.
25:15Oh!
25:17Go on, sunshine.
25:19Got a bit of a lump in my throat there.
25:21Why don't you ring your mum and tell her that you're going to stop at mine?
25:24Are you going to be another half hour?
25:26I remember Nat once being pissed in a song coming on the radio
25:29and he said, oh, this song always reminds me of you.
25:32I think this is our song.
25:33And I, like, were really touched.
25:35I thought that was such a romantic moment.
25:37And then, like, it were on Spotify one time
25:39and I said, Nat, do you remember this song?
25:41And he were like, no, I don't know what you're talking about.
25:44All right, oh.
25:59In Leeds...
26:00Did you ever make the Mary Poppins list when I told you about it?
26:04I did.
26:05For your partner who's practically perfect in every way.
26:08Do you want to wear it?
26:10I do, yeah.
26:11It's quite extensive.
26:12Sisters Ellie and Izzy.
26:14I've separated it into essentials and nice-to-haves.
26:18Oh!
26:19So, on the essentials, we've got hard-working, open-minded,
26:21kind, attractive, good with money, clean criminal record,
26:24zero drugs policy, slash no drink problem,
26:26emotional intelligence, full head of hair, patient, discreet,
26:29loyal supports my hobbies, wants to be my plus one.
26:31Oh!
26:32And there...
26:33Obviously, you don't want much.
26:34Not much.
26:35Nice-to-haves.
26:36Nice teeth, nice car, generous, good style,
26:39taller than me, cooks nice dinners.
26:41SHE LAUGHS
26:45So...
26:46Hence why I've been single for the last 18 months.
26:49SHE LAUGHS
26:51On Friday, it was the BBC that served as our daily helping of news.
26:56I think it's very bad for you to go to the bakery every lunchtime
27:00and buy not only a pasty but also a sausage roll and a doughnut.
27:05Why do you buy all three?
27:07As the winter wears on, it's a sort of instinctive thing.
27:11I've also discovered custard pies, Mary.
27:14Here, a pub landlord has introduced a surcharge
27:16for diners who leave too much uneaten food.
27:19Oh, that's hilarious.
27:21I've heard about this. It's in carveries.
27:24In a bid to stop people overloading their plates
27:27at the all-you-can-eat carvery...
27:29Who's leaving food at a carvery?
27:31Is it Starmer that's doing it, Mary?
27:33Is he coming for our carveries?
27:35People lose their fucking minds when it comes to buffets.
27:37People at buffets make me feel sick.
27:39Oh, to be fair, when we were on holiday, we had a crazy buffet selection.
27:42Remember the time I had the sushi and the chocolate cake on one plate?
27:45But we ate it.
27:46Food waste became a real headache for landlord Mark Graham
27:49in the years after the pandemic.
27:51At his Sunday carvery, he serves the meat...
27:54Oh, look at that. That looks nice and dry.
27:57SHE LAUGHS
27:58..and then customers can return as many times as they like
28:01to load up again on all the rest.
28:03That's a good selection, that. That's all right, that.
28:05Ooh, look at that, York. Just look homemade.
28:08Mash and roast. Yeah, stunning.
28:10Is that stuffing on end? Yeah, it's stuffing, that.
28:13I glanced down and they've got a pile on there
28:16that you would put a ladder up the side and a flag on top.
28:19I've seen it, mister, I'll tell you.
28:21Yeah, it's usually air. Oh, I'm really falling off.
28:23It's usually aeros, is it? Mount Everest.
28:25She has to go like that to walk with it back,
28:27cos you can't see above it.
28:29And then either just leave it and waste it
28:31or try and take it home. That's ridiculous.
28:33Not that you'd have that worry with me.
28:35And then she puts it in the Tupperware box
28:37to take home for later for bubble and squeak
28:39the next day, don't you, Jenny? No, I don't, Lee.
28:42It's an all-you-can-eat buffet, not all-you-can-carry buffet.
28:46Do you know what? Now, I wouldn't go to the Star Inn
28:49for the fact of I'd be a nervous wreck. Yeah.
28:51I'd be shaking. I'd laugh too much, I'd laugh too much.
28:54Well, I think if you've managed to put it on your plate
28:58with the intention of eating it
29:00and you don't want to see it go to waste,
29:02you should be allowed to take it home.
29:04If you put it on the plate with the intention of putting it in a box
29:07and taking it home for later, that's wrong.
29:09But how do the police that? How do you police it?
29:11At the weekend, the team here found themselves imposing the charge
29:14for excessive waste for the first ever time.
29:17Look, that is a waste. That's a dinner, isn't it?
29:20To be fair, that is a lot of food wasted, though. Yeah.
29:22A customer was charged £2.40 on top of the original £12 per plate
29:27after they'd confirmed there was nothing wrong with the meal.
29:30Oh, there was nothing wrong with it. No, there was just full greedy twats.
29:34I don't know why he's not just doing a £14.99 all-you-can-eat. Yeah.
29:37You know, he's in Cornwall, he's got a licence to charge. Exactly.
29:41I love carberries, don't you? Well...
29:44Don't... Don't you? No.
29:46You're a funny old thing.
29:47What's wrong with food that's been left out for six hours
29:50under a heated lamp?
29:52Why are you being so fussy?
29:55In Hull...
29:56Hey, you know the other night when I went home, don't you?
29:59Oh, yes, I do.
30:00Yeah, well, you know when I was in here, he was trying to kill that fly?
30:03Yes. I think his mate come home with me.
30:06Why? Because I heard a fly when I got home.
30:09Best friends Jenny and Lee.
30:11There is more than fucking one fly, you know.
30:13Well, I've got his brother.
30:15HE LAUGHS
30:16He's dead as well. It's not. It's come back. It's there.
30:19You brought it with you.
30:22On Sunday night,
30:23more people were being paired up with pooches on Channel 4.
30:27Come on, then. Come and watch The Dog House.
30:31Good boy.
30:32I love The Dog House. We love The Dog House.
30:34Never seen it.
30:35It's a dog dating show, basically.
30:37I'm a bit scared of dogs. I don't know why.
30:40Why?
30:41I just said I don't know why.
30:44Till it gets.
30:47The Dog House. Dog House.
30:48Been there a few times, haven't we, lads?
30:51In the programme, we met couple Trinity and Paul,
30:54who were looking to add a third dog to their family.
30:57Max, he's a bit of a lovable rogue, really.
31:00He's cute. How cute is Max?
31:02Max looks like I'd want to sniff his breath.
31:04Just over a year ago, he lost his brother.
31:06Aw. Aw.
31:08Aw, he needs a new friend.
31:10He looks a little bit sad. He does look sad, doesn't he?
31:13Oh, he does look a bit sad. Oh, he does look sad.
31:16If you lost your brother, you'd be upset, wouldn't you?
31:18Eh, not really. OK.
31:21We've hopefully come up with a good option.
31:24A little dog called Peanut. Peanut, yeah?
31:26Is he OK with having his name changed?
31:29So, Peanut, he is a Jack Russell cross with a chihuahua.
31:33A jack-a-wow-a! Ooh, a jack-a-wow-a.
31:36Oh, let's have a look at him.
31:38Come on, Peanut. Come on.
31:40He's quite cute, isn't he? I quite like Peanut.
31:42They just always seem to have the perfect dog, don't they? Yeah.
31:45Peanut is a typical little terrier, so he's got a big character.
31:48He's quite sassy at times. To me, that's a red flag. Yeah.
31:51You know, if somebody's got a big character,
31:53normally they're a bit of a twat.
31:55He's going to hop down. In you go.
31:58Dog barks.
32:00He's on the telly, Bob. He's on the telly.
32:02Hello. Hi.
32:04Oh, right. Oh, oh.
32:06What have we got here? Go on, like each other, like each other.
32:09Oh, come on.
32:11Aw, be nice, be nice.
32:13Oh, he's so excited, isn't he?
32:16Dog barks.
32:20Oh, Peanut. Oh!
32:22Not sure. Ooh, Max is all over Peanut like a rash.
32:25I know, look. Peanut's having to hide from you.
32:29Peanut's like, oh, the fuck's this?
32:31All right, calm down, mate.
32:33Can I go back to me cage, please?
32:36Oh, I think Peanut's quite upset by this. Yeah, I think he is.
32:39I don't know if it's going to work.
32:41I don't know if it's going to work.
32:43It's not going to work straight away. Yeah, they don't like him.
32:46We're going to have to put them both down.
32:48That was quick.
32:52Oh, no, he's howling.
32:54Woof! Yes, he's joining in.
32:56Woof! Oh, no, Max is joining in.
32:58We'll have to back off.
33:03He's warm up there, heat's on.
33:05Oh, he's got up. Has he got up?
33:07Oh, he's gone to sit near him.
33:09Is Peanut starting to like Max now?
33:15Oh, he's giving him the old bum sniff.
33:18Let me sniff your bottom.
33:20We have made contact.
33:24Let's see. Good boy.
33:26Oh, shut up!
33:29Oh, they're kissing!
33:31Oh, look!
33:33This is great, this is what we wanted.
33:36Oh, God, here we go. Is Peanut going to be there?
33:39I wonder if they adopted him, Lee.
33:41We thought long and hard about it and...
33:43And?
33:45..we decided to re-home Peanut.
33:47Yay!
33:49Peanut's in the house!
33:51We decided to rename Peanut Ozzy.
33:53Ozzy Osbourne.
33:55Fucking Ozzy Osbourne!
33:57Jesus, girl, has it all gone through and off?
34:00Ozzy's definitely had a positive impact on Max's life.
34:03Max looks like he's got his spring back, innit?
34:05He's like a new Max, isn't he?
34:07It's lovely to see, it really is.
34:09Look at the difference in Max. He looks happy now, doesn't he?
34:12He does. I know it sounds bizarre, but he does, doesn't he?
34:15I think you should get another dog.
34:17No way, I'm not getting another dog.
34:19Go on. No way, I'm happy with two I've got.
34:21Get a Pomeranian.
34:23Oh, I'd love a Pomeranian.
34:25Chocolate Pomeranian? Yeah.
34:27What would I call it?
34:29So you've got Fudge, Cookie and...
34:31I could finally have Sunday.
34:33I could have a Cookie Fudge Sunday.
34:44In Kent...
34:45We lost 5-1.
34:47We should probably not play football anymore, really.
34:49That's actually a good result for us.
34:51I'm not even joking. Last season, there's been one goal for the B team.
34:54Michael, Sally and their sons, Jake and Harry.
34:58That's horrific.
35:00Sorry, mate, you can do any better.
35:02I'm the slaggish one here.
35:04If I'm playing football and I'm actually trying to do it
35:06and my team hasn't scored,
35:09or scored once in the entire season...
35:12Might as well just give up.
35:14That's what I'm saying.
35:16Actually, we've had two games and we've already scored one goal.
35:18You should just take the rest of the season off then.
35:20You're kind of done.
35:22We're basically beating our previous stats.
35:24On Wednesday night, we were reaching the thrilling finale
35:28of Apple TV Plus's slick set of Slow Horses.
35:32Ooh, ooh, what is it?
35:34The bloody fly is throwing my head in.
35:36Frigging damn Slow Horses.
35:38I've had it in here morning.
35:39I know, innit?
35:40I can't see the relevance.
35:42No, I haven't seen a wuss in there, have I?
35:49Get that turned up, it'll be tight with volume.
35:52I've got to have it on an even number.
35:59George will make a good secret agent.
36:02You need to be boring to be a secret agent.
36:04Really, really boring.
36:06You're not boring, darling, but you can be a chameleon.
36:10You demure.
36:12In the episode, we saw River Cartwright being arrested
36:16and on his way to be questioned by his colleagues at MI5.
36:23HE GASPS
36:24Secret camera!
36:26Who's watching?
36:27Oh, look, there's a camera, Nutty.
36:29Planted by Harkness.
36:33Three minutes.
36:34Three minutes to what?
36:35That's Harkness, yeah? Yeah.
36:37That's the head of the terrorist organisation that was behind the bomb.
36:42So who's he tracking, then?
36:43I think he's tracking River.
36:45Lamb's a tricky bastard.
36:48Annoyingly, when he actually gets up off his arse,
36:50he's quite hard to beat.
36:52What's he like as a boss?
36:54Terrible.
36:56Oh!
36:57Shit!
36:58Jesus Christ, where did that come from?
37:00I didn't expect that, then, did you?
37:02Shit!
37:03That was for him, that.
37:04Fink, do something!
37:06Run, River!
37:07Turn the fucking car around now!
37:08Do it!
37:09Binman's gone fucking mental!
37:12JJ, turn nice.
37:13Move, move, move!
37:16We're stuck!
37:17Why are they stuck? You're in a car.
37:18Stop fucking driving!
37:19Call for back-up, we need back-up now.
37:21Oh, shit!
37:22That's the assassin!
37:23You wouldn't have thought an assassin
37:24had worked on the dust, would you?
37:26Well, it just shows you that they get paid well.
37:28You know, he's topping his wages up.
37:30Yeah, well, the assassins can't even make ends meet.
37:32This is what this country's come to, guys.
37:35Don't get out of the car.
37:36Don't...
37:37Fucking give me the key!
37:38He's bloody outcast, man.
37:41Oh!
37:42That's why you don't get out of the car
37:44and get covered in blood.
37:45That is revolting.
37:47Why are you getting out of the car?
37:49The car's bulletproof.
37:51He's gone.
37:52Oh, he's gone now.
37:53There's only air in him and River left.
37:57Oh, my gosh!
37:58Emma, drive the fricking car.
37:59No, I can't have River dead, no.
38:01He can't die.
38:04Oh!
38:06Shoot him!
38:07That's it, shoot him!
38:10Oh, she ran out, great.
38:13He's still alive, man.
38:14Six shots, she haven't killed him.
38:16Christ, he must be a robot or something, is he?
38:19Oh!
38:20No!
38:21Knocked her out.
38:22Oh, that's not good.
38:23I don't care.
38:26Keep still.
38:27Keep still?
38:28Is he going to rescue him?
38:30Fuck you.
38:32What's going on?
38:33Read the pause.
38:34Why are you killing him?
38:36Oh!
38:37What's going on here?
38:38What's he doing?
38:43They want him alive for some reason.
38:45Oh, my God!
38:46Is it a rescue or a kidnap?
38:47I have no idea what the hell's going on, do you?
38:51No.
38:52Good.
38:53A bit later, we saw River being delivered for a meeting
38:56with head honcho Heartless in a fancy restaurant.
38:59Heartless.
39:02I think this is the first time they've come face to face,
39:05so it could be a pretty mega moment, innit?
39:09Hello, Dad.
39:10Oh, Dad!
39:12Dad!
39:13Hello, son.
39:14Dad!
39:15Hello, son.
39:16Freaking, this is a family affair, this, Lee.
39:18Dad!
39:19Look after me grandad cos he's losing the plot
39:21and he's gone for a beer with his dad.
39:23Who's the head of it, the assassin?
39:25I'd like to offer you a job.
39:28Come and join the dark side, River.
39:30Don't do it, River.
39:31Some people can't take the pressure.
39:37I think you could.
39:39Who's he calling, Mum?
39:41He's trying to tell somebody where he is.
39:43Come on, I'm trying to spend some quality time here
39:46while you play with your phone under the table.
39:49Oh!
39:50He knows he's playing with his phone!
39:52Who'd you call?
39:57Childline.
40:00That's very funny, isn't it, Mary?
40:02Yeah.
40:04Hello, flashing lights in the background.
40:08Don't do anything stupid.
40:10How does he plan on getting out of this?
40:12Is it like a hostage?
40:13Yeah.
40:14Easy, easy.
40:15He's armed.
40:16Back off!
40:17He's armed.
40:18Oh, what's going to happen now?
40:21Oh, for fuck's sake.
40:23Oh, what's going on here?
40:25Why is everyone pointing guns at everyone?
40:28There's a shoot-to-kill out on you.
40:30There's a shoot-to-kill out!
40:32Look at River's face!
40:34Grenade!
40:36Oh, shit!
40:37Oh, a grenade.
40:38That'll spice things up a bit.
40:40Here we go.
40:41Chaos.
40:42Oh, he's got the bloody grenade in his hood!
40:44River!
40:47Get it out of his hood!
40:48Just take your fucking hoodie off!
40:53Jesus Christ.
40:54Oh, my, he's going to blow his head off, this.
40:56Oh, my God, it's Patagonia, this.
40:57Get it out of the hood.
41:01Oh, my God.
41:02He was going to blow up his own son.
41:04Run in the fish pond.
41:05And now his dad's off.
41:06Killed all the bloody koi carp.
41:11I love how he's just walking off with a hat on.
41:13Let's head into the station! The station!
41:15Is he trying to get the Eurovastar back to France?
41:18I don't know.
41:20He is.
41:21He's at St Pancreas.
41:27He's lost him.
41:28Oh, no, he's thinking, he's thinking, he's thinking.
41:31What would I do if I was him?
41:36Would he not hide in plain sight?
41:38He's probably playing the piano downstairs with Claudia Willinkelman.
41:41Blending in.
41:42Yeah, we've got Lang Lang fucking getting his piano booted over.
41:53What's happening?
41:54I feel like he knows something.
41:56So do I.
42:01Oh, he's found him!
42:02He's sat next to him.
42:05Oh!
42:06Oh, he's got a gun!
42:09What?
42:10Why has he handed a gun over to River?
42:12Good job, son.
42:14Thank you, Dad.
42:15What, he's given up?
42:16Just like that?
42:19Oh, he's handed himself in.
42:21Is he? Why?
42:22So he's let them catch him.
42:23I'll take the later train.
42:25Shut up.
42:26You also.
42:27He still thinks he's going to get away, doesn't he?
42:32Who the fuck is that?
42:33Is he going to admit it?
42:34He's my dad.
42:35My dad.
42:37HE LAUGHS
42:39Oh, you can't knock it back like that, love.
42:41Good lad, River, get it down your...
42:46Well, his dad's buggered off now, so River's going to have to cough up for it.
42:49It's not free, is it?
42:51Champagne and St Pancras in them velvet boots.
42:54Costs a bomb.
42:55Costs a fortune.
42:56Gets the bill.
42:57How much?
42:59Now, that's criminal.
43:07In Wiltshire...
43:08You know you said you were longing for a hot pudding?
43:11Yeah.
43:12Well, I've got one.
43:13Oh, Mary.
43:15What on earth is that?
43:17Well, it's a baked banana.
43:18You know what it looks like, Mary?
43:20Giles and his wife, Mary.
43:22It looks like what?
43:23A turd.
43:24Oh, don't be so horrible.
43:26It's a lovely baked banana.
43:28OK.
43:29You literally put it in the oven in its skin.
43:31That's why I do the cooking, Nutty.
43:33Because I don't present you with weird shocks.
43:36That's not a weird shock.
43:37Taste it.
43:38It's fabulous.
43:39I don't think it's meant to be served with its skin.
43:41No, you take it out of the skin.
43:43Oh.
43:45Shouldn't that be done in the preparatory stage?
43:47No, the whole thing is...
43:48Shouldn't the chef do that?
43:49It's banana surprise.
43:51Banana?
43:52Certainly a surprise.
43:54On Friday, there was a news story that BBC Breakfast put their stamp on.
43:59Coffees.
44:00Yay.
44:01Hey, they've been washed.
44:02You washed them?
44:03I washed them.
44:05Don't tell me you don't wash your grapes.
44:08It's a very personal question.
44:11Bit early in the morning for that, Mother.
44:13Good morning.
44:14Welcome to Breakfast with Nanga Manchetti and Charlie State.
44:16I like Naga.
44:17Oh, no.
44:18She plays golf.
44:19Did she?
44:20Good.
44:21So, in case you don't know, the price of First Class Stamp
44:23is going up by 30p on Monday.
44:2630p?
44:28Oh, do you know what?
44:29They're having a laugh.
44:30Yes, it is the third time that these prices have gone up
44:33since last October.
44:35Since last October?
44:37Shit!
44:38What fucking year is it that we're talking about the price of stamps?
44:41Did I wake up in 1912?
44:43A standard First Class Stamp right now will cost you £1.35.
44:48£1.35 to post a letter?
44:51I thought they were 60p.
44:52Well, I did.
44:53On Monday, that very same stamp will cost £1.65.
44:58I'd own a ticket myself.
45:00Who's going to tell Dad?
45:03Crazy, we're cheap as chips, Liv, when we were kids.
45:06Chips are not cheap now, neither.
45:08That's another thing.
45:09Where did that saying come from?
45:11Cheap as chips?
45:12Oh, yeah.
45:13Now, Royal Mail says it needs to put the price up
45:15because of what it calls very real and urgent financial challenges.
45:20We're going to end up with a load of financial challenges
45:22if we start sending letters at that price.
45:24Buying a sheet of 50 First Class Stamps
45:26will be £15 cheaper today than it will be on Monday.
45:30Well, it'll be the same price for me because I ain't buying them.
45:33Listen, you'll be all right, I'm just going up to the post office for a bit.
45:37And for now, the price of Second Class Stamps will stay the same.
45:41And that's why I'll be having second.
45:43John from Tamworth says,
45:45I will still be sending Christmas cards.
45:47I've got friends in Belfast, Edinburgh, Dundee, Manchester, Devon, Cornwall.
45:52Showing off, isn't it?
45:54Bloody hell!
45:56Who else can deliver cards for that cheap price?
45:59Well, I'll tell you what, John, if you've got all these friends
46:02and you're willing to spend £300, I'll drop them off for you.
46:06You can't get a Freddo anymore for 25p.
46:08They're now 80, it's just like...
46:10What?!
46:11Oh, God.
46:12Did you not know that?
46:1480p for a Freddo?
46:16Yeah.
46:17They were 5p when I was three.
46:20Well, it's like these stamps, everything's going up,
46:22you now pay 80 for a Freddo.
46:2480p for a fucking Freddo? Are you joking?
46:26No, I'm really not. Does this face look like I'm joking?
46:34We're heading to the suburbs next Thursday at ten
46:37to your average Mancunian evangelical family.
46:41Simon Bird returns with Everyone Else Burns.
46:44And get reacquainted by streaming Series 1 right now.
46:47And maybe it's the suburbs, maybe it's the cities.
46:49Wherever they take us, we're devout followers of Kirsty and Phil.
46:52Brand new location starts next Wednesday at eight.