Lola Bouvier, 25, a fallen ice-skating star with an outsize ego, decides to become “the greatest roller-derby champion of all time,” but unwittingly joins one of France’s worst teams: the Cannibal Unicorns!
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00:00In 2010, Lola Bouvier was the rising star of figure skating.
00:13Victory after victory, Lola had become the pride of a nation, and not just any nation, France.
00:20Lola Bouvier was about to become the youngest Olympic champion of all time at the age of 15 and 165.
00:28And nothing could get in her way.
00:32Svetlana Ivankova, the Franco-Russian, the judges adored her.
00:37They still adore the Russians.
00:39Filthy Bolshevik.
00:41Traitor to the country.
00:48What is this mess?
00:55Repeat after me the three D's.
00:56Determination, dexterity, discipline.
00:59And you take good care of your reception on your axels.
01:01Yes, mum.
01:02Yes, coach.
01:03Yes, coach.
01:05Did you hear that? It's mini hot dog.
01:07Zony, this is not the time.
01:08No, but it's okay, I'm still her father.
01:11I can come and wish her good luck.
01:13Luck has nothing to do with this.
01:16We've been working for this for 10 years.
01:19So don't disappoint me.
01:57NICHE
02:08I know what you're thinking.
02:09Money is not a bad thing.
02:11And instead, you'd try to reassure yourself with bullshits like
02:15what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
02:18But let me tell you something about Niche.
02:21He was a fucking loser.
02:23For the first time in her life, Lola tasted defeat.
02:26And she really didn't like it.
02:28Fucking Bolshevik.
02:30Second place is already good, you know.
02:32Traitor to the country.
02:34The important thing is to participate.
02:38After the world championships,
02:39we often compared Lola to Tonya Harding.
02:42But of her own confession, she always preferred Zizou.
02:54After this little bloodbath, she got her medal back.
02:57Lola had to pay 30,000 euros of damages and interest
03:00to Svetlana Ivankova
03:02and had to undergo therapy for 6 years.
03:05But the worst part of all this
03:07is that she was excluded from the French Skiing Federation
03:10and never skated again.
03:24Beep.
03:28Beep.
03:30Uh...
03:3159,99 euros.
03:34Hello, madam.
03:36Mademoiselle.
03:38Do you have the shop's loyalty card?
03:40Super.
03:49Have a good day and good luck.
03:50Yeah, that's it.
03:51Goodbye, sir.
03:54Hello, sir.
04:08Lola.
04:09What?
04:10I wanted to know if you wanted to participate in the gift for Brigitte.
04:13Who's Brigitte?
04:15Brigitte from the hiking club.
04:20There's a hiking club?
04:21There's a hiking club?
04:23Are you serious?
04:24Yeah.
04:25Actually, it's her friend who's leaving
04:27and we'd like to pay her a trip to Pic du Midi,
04:29so could you give her something?
04:30To Pic du what?
04:32Du Midi.
04:33It's in the Pyrenees.
04:34But you can give her whatever you want, so...
04:37How much are you giving?
04:38Actually, I'm waiting for everyone to be given
04:40and then I'll complete.
04:42I'll do that instead.
04:43We'll complete together.
04:44No, no, I'll do it alone.
04:47Bye, have a good day.
04:49Wow, okay.
04:51Bye.
05:03Shit.
05:06Patrick, Patrick.
05:0820?
05:09Yes.
05:11Ah, Quentin.
05:1615.
05:21Dad, there's the other fucking neighbor
05:23who broke your mirror.
05:25What?
05:26Here.
05:27No, that's not true, that's not possible.
05:29That's not true.
05:30It's the third time in a month.
05:31Yeah.
05:32I'm going to go talk to him,
05:33I'm going to make him laugh,
05:34I'm going to make him laugh.
05:35Yeah, so he's doing that, yes.
05:42And if not,
05:43would you like me to make you a little pizza?
05:45I'd eat a calzone, and you?
05:48Hey!
05:49You can answer, can't you?
06:04Good night, Elliot.
06:06I love you.
06:07I love you.
06:37I can hear you, actually.
06:39Pathetic.
06:40She's disgusting.
06:41She's at least 10 kilos.
06:42Obese.
06:43Obese.
06:44But did you see your face?
06:46Is there a problem?
06:47There's a problem.
06:49Wait, wait.
06:50Yeah, I'll leave you.
06:51Go ahead.
07:02Fucking shit.
07:04Wow, the delirium.
07:08Fuck.
07:21I'm obese.
07:22I'm obese.
07:24Yeah, maybe I've gained a few pounds.
07:27But that doesn't make me an obese girl.
07:38I'm obese.
07:39I'm obese.
07:43Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
07:47I almost hit a blind man.
07:49Come on, move, move.
08:08Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:10Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:11Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:12Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:13Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:14Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:15Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:16Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:17Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:18Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:19Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:20Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:21Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:22Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:23Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:24Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:25Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:26Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:27Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:28Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:29Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:30Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:31Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:32Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:33Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:34Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:35Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:36Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:37Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:38Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:39Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:40Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:41Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:42Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:43Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:44Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:45Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:46Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:47Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:48Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:49Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:50Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:51Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:52Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:53Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:54Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:55Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:56Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:57Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:58Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
08:59Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
09:00Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
09:01Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
09:02Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
09:03Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
09:10Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
09:26Yes.
09:27You still don't see who's cheating.
09:28No.
09:29We were in the same class, 5th grade, at Saint-Jean-Pascal-du-Loft.
09:34So what are you doing here?
09:35Do you still live in Mézières?
09:36No, no, no.
09:37I'm just passing by.
09:38You know, I live in Paris now, the capital of France.
09:41Paname.
09:42Do you know it?
09:43Yes, I know it.
09:44But why are you dressed as a cashier at Sportsonique?
09:46That's just to spend my father's holidays, that's all.
09:50He's the owner of the store.
09:52Really?
09:53Yes.
09:54What does your father do?
09:55What are you all doing here, really?
09:59Derby roller.
10:00Yes.
10:01I know it.
10:02You know it?
10:03Well, wait, do you want to try it?
10:05It's exactly like artistic skating.
10:08Except that instead of blades, you have wheels, and that instead of ice, well...
10:11I mean, you have floor...
10:13It's not vinyl, it's...
10:15Well, it's floor...
10:17It's floor.
10:18Yes, yes, yes, yes.
10:19It's like floor.
10:22I don't think it's exactly the same thing.
10:24You can believe me.
10:25I know what I'm talking about.
10:26I'm the captain of the Black Weirdos, and we're the best team in France.
10:29Ah, not bad.
10:32I'm vice-champion of the world of artistic skating, and I managed to stay humble.
10:35But...
10:36We're making selections next weekend.
10:39If you feel like it, you just have to prepare a choreography, so...
10:42Choreography.
10:44So, listen...
10:47Why not? I love choreographies.
10:48See you on Saturday at 2 p.m., then.
10:50This Saturday?
10:52At the gym?
10:53Yes.
10:54At 2 p.m.?
10:55Yes.
10:56It's a deal.
10:57Top.
10:58Top.
10:59Top.
11:00Top.
11:01Top.
11:02Top.
11:03Top.
11:04Top.
11:05Top.
11:06Top.
11:07You can go now.
11:08Cool.
11:10Hi Lola, how are you?
11:13I'm fine, great.
11:40Hey, Lola.
11:41So, are you stealing stuff?
11:42No.
11:44Well, I was told there was a theft earlier.
11:47Oh, yes, yes, yes.
11:48Yeah?
11:49Yeah, terrible.
11:50So, what was it?
11:52I don't know, a headlamp?
11:54No, no, no, what was it?
11:55What was it like...
11:57They were a bit...
11:59Huh?
12:00It was a girl.
12:02It was a girl, huh?
12:05Fuck, I can't trust anyone anymore.
12:08Otherwise, what I wanted to say...
12:10Yes, uh...
12:11You were able to participate in the raffle
12:13for Brigitte's starting pot?
12:15Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:16I was able to give it away.
12:17That's great.
12:18I saw that with Michael.
12:19With who?
12:20Michael.
12:21Oh, yeah.
12:22Well, I'm going back there.
12:24Okay.
12:25Huh?
12:27Let's go.
12:38Let's go.
13:09But the champions train and the losers complain.
13:11Hey, what did you say?
13:13Yeah, that's it, get out of here!
13:17Pff, stupid.
13:21Well...
13:23Brigitte.
13:25My Brigitte.
13:28I think I spoke on behalf of everyone here
13:29when I said we were going to miss you.
13:31A lot.
13:32Oh, yes, a lot.
13:33So, on behalf of the whole team, all the employees,
13:36we wanted to give you a little present.
13:37It's not much,
13:38but it was to wish you a good retirement.
13:41So, here it is.
13:42It's for you.
13:48Oh, thank you.
13:49It touches me a lot.
13:52A speech.
13:53A speech.
13:54A speech.
13:55A speech.
13:56A speech.
13:58And you know without a doubt
14:00that with Patrick we couldn't have children
14:02and hiking saved our lives.
14:05Well, of course,
14:07with Patrick's cancer,
14:09hiking won't be easy.
14:12Because the cancer...
14:14Come on!
14:15Let's give a big round of applause for Brigitte!
14:24Come on, champagne!
14:25I'd like to remind you that the bottle is still open
14:27if you want to give it to her.
14:29Because there's only me for now.
14:36Lola?
14:39What are you doing here?
14:40We're about to cut the cake.
14:43I don't want a cake.
14:44Are you sure?
14:45Because it's a strawberry.
14:49Are you crying?
14:50No.
14:51You're the one who's crying.
14:52Oh, no.
14:57You can tell me everything.
14:59Thank you, Mika,
15:00but can you take your hand off my thigh, please?
15:02Yeah.
15:03Go ahead.
15:04Oh, sorry.
15:05Sorry.
15:06That's so weird.
15:09You know, I understand.
15:10I'm also sad that Brigitte is leaving.
15:12Fuck, but I don't give a shit about Brigitte
15:14and her shitty life.
15:15Don't say that.
15:16She's nice, though.
15:18Do you think I want to end up like her,
15:19at 60,
15:20still working in this stupid store?
15:22Well, we have meal tickets,
15:24so it's not bad.
15:25Serving fucking big lard every morning,
15:27protein bars and all that, why?
15:29I don't know.
15:30Serving fucking big lard every morning,
15:31protein bars and all that, why?
15:34Why offer me a shitty box before I die?
15:36What?
15:37Shitty?
15:38Well, no.
15:39It was a premium box we offered her.
15:40Fuck, but listen to me, Mika.
15:41Yeah?
15:42I'm just telling you that I want everything to be like before.
15:48I can't even skate anymore.
15:56Are you sure you don't want cake?
15:57Because it's good, I think.
15:58I'm here, I'm complaining, I'm...
16:03Do you know what would be good for you?
16:06The Baird Dance Play, the champions.
16:08A good bath.
16:11The Baird Dance Play, the champions.
16:13A good bath.
16:14Shut up.
16:15Yeah.
16:20A good bath,
16:21with mousse.
16:28I am the tiger.
16:59Daddy DJ, please take me to the party
17:01And let me dance alone
17:03Until the lights are on
17:20Daddy DJ, please take me to the party
17:23And let me dance alone
17:25Until the lights are on
17:27Daddy DJ, please take me to the party
17:30And let the music play
17:32Until the break of day
17:34Daddy DJ, please take me to the party
17:37And let me dance alone
17:39Until the lights are on
17:42So, how was it?
17:43Well, honestly...
17:45It was...
17:46It was really...
17:48It was shit.
17:49Shit.
17:52Okay, I see.
17:53In fact, you don't know anything about Korea.
17:55You're making me really sad.
17:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:57We don't know anything about Korea.
17:58And we hate little princesses like you.
18:00Maybe you don't remember me,
18:01but I remember you very well.
18:03And I've never been able to frame you.
18:05Yeah, yeah.
18:06Yeah.
18:07Go back to your locker room
18:08where you're dressed like a whore.
18:09That's what you're better at anyway.
18:11Hey, the derby wasn't made for you.
18:13You're not badass enough.
18:14That's what they say.
18:17Oh, fucking shit.
18:26I'm so sorry.
18:43Oh, yeah, you're making fun of my choreography.
18:45Oh, it's okay, Lola.
18:46Don't take it the wrong way.
18:47It's for fun.
18:48It's for fun?
18:49And your husband has a cancer of the ass?
18:51That's funny.
18:52Haha, it's funny, isn't it?
18:53What, Brigitte?
18:54Don't take it the wrong way.
18:55It's for fun.
19:12Oh, no!
19:13Oh, no!
19:14She's going to do another choreography.
19:21What are you going to do?
19:23Are you going to hit me?
19:25Go on, hit me!
19:26Hit me with your ball!
19:29Hit me, I said!
19:35You disgust me.
19:36Yeah.
19:37That's what I thought, yeah.
19:42Come on, girls, let's go.
19:55Come on.
20:09Hey, excuse me.
20:12Were you at the backboard game?
20:13No.
20:15Wait, wasn't it you, the skater, who blew up the plans?
20:18Oh, wait, you're not the girl whose...
20:20Oh, yeah, I've never heard of her.
20:22Oh!
20:23You broke some crazy ones.
20:26What did you feel when you cut her fingers?
20:29Did you see the bone inside?
20:30Come on, leave it.
20:31You can see she's angry.
20:32Are you doing derby?
20:33No.
20:35And did they still move when you cut them?
20:37Stop, I told you.
20:38Can't you come with us in our team?
20:39Who are you?
20:40The cannibal unicorns.
20:44Lol.
20:51Oh, my God.
21:21Oh, my God.