Lola Bouvier, 25, a fallen ice-skating star with an outsize ego, decides to become “the greatest roller-derby champion of all time,” but unwittingly joins one of France’s worst teams: the Cannibal Unicorns!
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00:00These haters of Black Windows had had enough of Lola Bouvier and her choreography history.
00:07The former skater had to face the facts.
00:09If she wanted to be a derby roller,
00:11the only solution she had left was to join the modest team of the Cannibal Unicorns,
00:16the only other formation in the region.
00:18Lola was about to do her first training as a new recruit.
00:22Fresh meat, as they say in the derby world.
00:25Lola had a plan.
00:261. Become the best player in the world.
00:292. Humiliate Jennifer Martin's little pest.
00:371.
00:38I'm not sure it's a good idea, this derby roller thing.
00:41I looked it up on the internet.
00:43It's not artistic skating at all.
00:45But here, it's pretty much the same thing.
00:47Except that instead of blades, it's wheels.
00:49And instead of ice, it's normal soil.
00:52Normal soil?
00:53On the ground.
00:54On the ground?
00:55No, but it's dangerous.
00:57You're going to hurt yourself.
00:58Listen, Dad, you're very kind with your advice, but I don't need it, OK?
01:00I'm a responsible adult now.
01:01So go get me my 4-year-old to taste me because I'm hungry.
01:08Fuck, I didn't think she'd come.
01:10And to think she cut her fingers.
01:24Hi.
01:25Cannibals?
01:26Unicorns!
01:28Welcome, everyone.
01:29I'm Acid Ciprine, the captain of the Unicorn Cannibals.
01:32If you're here today, it's because you want to do derby roller skating.
01:35What is derby roller skating?
01:37It's a contact sport, above all.
01:39Show them.
01:46So, all those who are afraid of breaking a nail,
01:49or afraid of falling, or getting hurt, or I don't know what,
01:51the Zumba is over there.
01:53It's so beautiful, all pink.
01:55It looks a bit like Justin Bieber.
01:58Shh, I'm trying to listen to the class.
02:00Let me remind you.
02:01Two teams.
02:02Five skaters per team.
02:04Four blockers, one jammer.
02:06The jammer is the one with the star on the helmet.
02:08And it marks as many points as the number of adverse blockers it passes during a jam.
02:12And we have the pivot.
02:13The pivot can be either a blocker or a jammer.
02:16Is that clear for everyone? Do you have any questions?
02:19OK, we'll see about the rules later.
02:21So, we're going to do a little presentation.
02:23OK, so I'm Mozart Blocker.
02:26And as my name suggests, I'm a blocker.
02:29Absentee touche.
02:3124 ans.
02:33Pivot.
02:34Non-binaire.
02:36Aide-soignant dans le civil.
02:40Bonjour.
02:43Mandoline.
02:48Does anyone want to introduce themselves?
02:49Go ahead, Collu.
02:50My name is MJ.
02:52I watched Bliss not long ago and it made me want to try.
02:55The problem is that I've never done roller skating or sports.
02:59Because...
03:01Well...
03:02Because?
03:03Because I'm a little...
03:05Yeah.
03:06OK, MJ.
03:07Know that no one here is going to judge you.
03:09And we accept everyone, regardless of your level.
03:11We're with you.
03:13OK.
03:14And you?
03:15My name is Lola Bouvier.
03:17I'm four-time French junior skater.
03:20Double European champion.
03:22Vice world champion.
03:24And I'm here today to become the greatest roller derby player of all time.
03:30OK, Collu.
03:32Next.
03:34Yeah, that's good, Lola.
03:36Keep going like that.
03:38Yeah, that's it.
03:39Lower the center of gravity a little, lower.
03:41It's like you're pooping, actually.
03:43You're peeing on it.
03:44That's it, lower more.
03:45That's good.
03:46And don't forget to breathe with your pussy.
03:48Oh, hey, Sarah!
03:50Look, she's skating like a goggle.
03:52That's not cool.
03:53Oh yeah? And what about your hair?
03:54Do you think it's cool?
03:55This disgusting color, it greases my eyes.
03:56What did you just say?
03:57Oh, oh, oh.
03:58Calm down.
03:59We're here to respect everyone's freedom of hair
04:01and to skate.
04:02Come on, let's continue.
04:05Come on, girls, two by two.
04:06We're going to do exercises in pairs now.
04:16One, two, three.
04:25Excuse me.
04:26Actually, you put me in pairs with the big one.
04:29And in terms of size, it's not very fair,
04:31if you know what I mean.
04:33Yeah, but during the games,
04:34you won't choose your opponents.
04:36Well, it's cool to make an exception this time.
04:42Huh?
04:43Did you say something?
04:44No.
04:46Oh, because I thought you said something to me.
04:48No.
04:50So you didn't say anything to me.
04:56It's going to be our turn.
04:58It stresses me out.
04:59Aren't you stressed out?
05:02What? Skating in front of 15 people?
05:04I can't breathe.
05:06I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty.
05:10Hey, guys, she's dead.
05:15MJ?
05:16How are you?
05:17MJ?
05:18Mom?
05:20She said mom.
05:24What?
05:31Do you want one?
05:32What?
05:33Do you want one?
05:34No.
05:36It's because I'm doing hypoglycemia.
05:38Yes, of course.
05:40Are you sure you don't want some?
05:41It's choukaine croque.
05:43It's delicious.
05:49You're so strong.
05:52While I'm too lazy.
05:54Yeah.
05:56Anyway, I suck at sports.
05:58All my life, I've been told,
06:00MJ, you're too slow.
06:02MJ, you're not flexible enough.
06:04MJ, finish your beans.
06:06MJ, finish your beans.
06:08MJ, finish your holiday book.
06:10MJ, you stink.
06:12Well, girls, I wanted to congratulate you.
06:15Honestly, it was a good first training session.
06:18If you want, next week we'll have a scrimmage.
06:20What's a scrimmage?
06:22A training match.
06:23Honestly, it would be cool if you came to see
06:25what a real derby roller is like.
06:28Are you available? Who's available?
06:30What position do I play?
06:32To play matches, you have to pass your minimum skills.
06:35What are minimum skills?
06:37A practical and theoretical test.
06:39And when can I pass this practical and theoretical test?
06:42Since you have a good level of skating,
06:44I'd say three or four months.
06:47What?
06:48But hey, you can help us if you want.
06:50You can make us sandwiches for next week.
06:54That's not bad, girls, right?
06:56Why would I do that?
06:58You know, in the derby roller,
06:59we all put our hands in the dough.
07:00We do everything ourselves.
07:02And so you'll make sandwiches.
07:04Yeah, that's it, yeah.
07:17Fuck.
07:19No, no.
07:21Oh my God.
07:26Don't you want us to exchange our numbers?
07:29I don't have my phone on me.
07:34Hello?
07:39Goodbye.
07:46Fuck, Augustin.
07:47How can you smell your feet, man?
07:49It's hot.
07:50I mean, if you don't respect yourself,
07:51respect me and the others.
07:52But talc, I don't know.
07:54It's really disgusting.
07:56Here, Mika.
07:58Hi.
07:59Hi, how are you?
08:00Yeah.
08:01Great.
08:03It's super cool.
08:04Ouch.
08:05No.
08:06No, no.
08:08I can't this weekend.
08:09I'm going to see my grandmother.
08:10I'm sorry.
08:11Oh, well.
08:12You can't do that next weekend
08:13because I have a derby match.
08:14The girls really, really, really want me to come.
08:16I make the sandwiches.
08:17I mean, you see?
08:18I mean, if I don't go,
08:19they're going to starve to death.
08:20Yeah.
08:21So, can you postpone it?
08:22Well, the thing is,
08:23she's 102 years old.
08:25So...
08:26Well, that's it.
08:27I mean, if she's held on so far,
08:28she can hold on a few more months, right?
08:30Well, it's summer, so...
08:32Ah.
08:33Okay.
08:34You're lucky.
08:35My grandmother is dead.
08:36Oh.
08:37I didn't know.
08:38I'm sorry.
08:39She's dead,
08:40and I remember the last time I saw her,
08:41she told me,
08:42Lola,
08:44enjoy your life.
08:45Make your dreams come true.
08:47But most of all,
08:48go to this match.
08:49Go to this derby match.
08:51She died in September.
08:53Was she in the Twin Towers?
08:56No, at her place, in her bed.
08:57She died in her sleep.
08:59Okay.
09:00You're lucky.
09:01She didn't even get to see the attacks.
09:05Anyway, so,
09:06do you want to replace me?
09:10I really can't.
09:11I'm sorry.
09:12Please, Mika.
09:13Please.
09:14I'll do anything you want in return.
09:15Anything I want?
09:16Anything you want, my little Mika.
09:18Do you want to...
09:19have dinner with me?
09:21You bastard.
09:22What?
09:23Yes.
09:24What?
09:25What?
09:26Because I...
09:27You said something.
09:28Yes.
09:29Okay.
09:30Yes, okay?
09:31Yes, but seriously.
09:32Yes.
09:33Great.
09:34Well, I'll pick you up with my car.
09:35Okay.
09:36Bye.
09:37Bye.
09:38Bye.
09:39Bye.
10:03Acet cyclorannine.
10:04Acet cyclorannine.
10:05Wait.
10:06I have to ask you something.
10:07You have to say yes.
10:08So, can I pass my minimum skills this month?
10:12No.
10:13But why?
10:14Because you only did one training and no one passes their minimum skills after one training.
10:17Do I have to remind you that I'm a former professional skater, a true genius of the slide?
10:21Yeah, so you skate well, but you don't even know the rules.
10:23Yes, I know them.
10:25OK. What does it mean when the referee whistles twice?
10:32Jam? Jam, jam.
10:35OK, bye.
10:36Jameuse, jameuse, jameuse. It means jameuse, right?
10:39Please, I'll do whatever you want.
10:40Start by making sandwiches.
10:42No, but that's because I'm gluten intolerant.
10:44But promise me that in the next match I'll make sandwiches,
10:46even if it means putting my health at risk for the team.
10:48So, is it yes?
10:49No, it's no. Stop bloating me.
10:52But why?
10:53Listen to me.
10:54I'm the captain, I'm the one who decides, I don't have to justify myself.
10:56You'll pass your minimum skills in three months, like everyone else.
10:59OK?
11:00But please.
11:01No.
11:02Please.
11:04Please, please, please, please, please.
11:08Hello, hello. Do you hear me?
11:10Please, please, please.
11:12Please, please, please, please, please.
11:17Please, please, please.
11:19You're not done, you!
11:20Very rarely.
11:22OK, you'll pass your minimum skills, but I'm warning you.
11:25If you fail, because you're going to fail,
11:27you won't stick your big mouth shut for the rest of the year.
11:30OK, deal.
11:31No, thank you.
11:40And then I say,
11:41Menier, are you sleeping?
11:45The shortest distance parallel to the inner edge of the track.
11:48Fuck, but it doesn't mean anything.
11:50It's not funny.
11:51Menier, are you sleeping?
11:53Because the student is called Arnaud Menier.
11:55Yes, yes, dad, it's very, very funny.
11:57You don't know the song, Menier du Nord?
11:59Yes, yes, I know it, dad, like everyone else.
12:01But now I'm revising, please.
12:03Wait, there's another song that's not bad.
12:05It's...
12:06Dans la basco, il y a des poules, des bois et des oies.
12:10Il y a même des canards qui barbottent dans la mer.
12:13Côte, côte, côte, côte, cônez.
12:15Côte, côte, côte, côte, cônez.
12:17Côte, côte, côte, côte, cônez.
12:19C'est le Warren Wall des cabines en C.
12:22Stop!
12:23Wow!
12:24Lola, that's not how you're going to have your minimum skills.
12:27We're working on contact, not dodging.
12:29Yes, well, the goal is not to get hit either, is it?
12:31We get hit, we fall, and we get up.
12:33That's the derby roller.
12:34Come on, let's get back in place.
12:36It's for the queen.
12:37Ah!
12:39Fuck, are you okay or what?
12:42It's okay.
12:43Excuse me.
12:44We don't apologize during contact exercises.
12:46Come on, let's start again.
12:49I hate her.
12:50But at the same time, I respect her.
12:52Yeah, but she's crazy about contact, and she's going to fuck herself at MS,
12:54and she's going to shut her big mouth.
12:56Yeah, yeah.
12:57She's obsessed with her fingers.
12:58She doesn't care about the team.
12:59She varnishes it, she cuts it.
13:01She varnishes it, she cuts it.
13:03But I don't know, I like this girl, I think.
13:05No, but stop, she's a bitch.
13:06She's grossophobic, homophobic, she doesn't understand the value of the derby.
13:09It's true, but fuck, she skates so well.
13:11She's hot.
13:12Yeah, yeah.
13:19Fuck!
13:22Fuck!
13:23Fuck!
13:47You're scared, aren't you?
13:50What are you talking about?
13:51Contacts.
13:52You're scared, aren't you?
13:57Me?
13:58Nonsense.
14:01Yeah, okay, I don't like that.
14:04Ow!
14:05Bitch!
14:06Why did you do that? Are you crazy or what?
14:07Lesson number one.
14:08See you tomorrow night at 8 p.m. for number two, okay?
14:15At 8 p.m., but where?
14:21Hey, hey!
14:22Hey, hey!
14:30Why did you make me come here?
14:32I hate hidden pubs.
14:35Okay, lesson number two.
14:36You pay for your tour.
14:38Yeah, and in what honor?
14:40I don't know, you want contacts or not?
14:42First of all, her.
14:45What is she doing here? Why did you invite her?
14:47She didn't tell me to come, it's just that I read in thoughts.
14:49Uh, no, not at all.
14:51For example, you think you're paying three pints.
14:54No, absolutely not.
14:56The only thing I'm going to pay is my ACE.
14:59Hey, Gégé!
15:00Two pints and an ACE, please!
15:03What's an ACE?
15:04Gégé is a woman.
15:06Hey, do you want to hear a joke?
15:08What?
15:09Okay, what's the difference between your mother and your sister?
15:12One.
15:14One hundred.
15:19What? It doesn't feel anything.
15:21It's okay, it's the Ministry of the First Degree.
15:25Besides, I don't have a sister.
15:27But it's for the...
15:28And my mother is dead.
15:30Oh, shit, sorry.
15:32How did she die?
15:34She saved a child from drowning.
15:36For your information, I communicate with the dead, so if you want, I can maybe...
15:41No, thank you.
15:42What is this shitty music?
15:50Is it number 3?
15:52Is it number 3?
15:54Is it number 3?
16:19What?
16:20Because I got my minimum skills in one month.
16:23Stop with your stupid accent.
16:25It's good, you skate very well, bravo.
16:27Are you happy?
16:28You're upset because I'm the best of you all.
16:31Okay, Lola.
16:50What?
17:00Listen, Mika, I'm really sorry, but I absolutely have to go.
17:03I have to go buy some medication for my father, he's really sick.
17:06What's wrong with him?
17:08You don't know him, it's very, very rare.
17:10It's called...
17:12cancer.
17:13What? Is it really serious?
17:15He weighs 40 kilos, he doesn't eat, he doesn't drink, he's all...
17:24Yeah, it's...
17:25It's better now.
17:27Sometimes it's better and then it's...
17:30Listen, Mika, I'm really sorry, but I promise we'll have dinner, okay?
17:33Next time.
17:35Okay?
17:36Okay, okay.
17:37Cool.
17:41Anyway, I had stuff to do, so...
17:44Actually, I'm okay with it, so...
17:48What?
17:49Kick me out?
17:50Are you kidding me? Are you crazy or what?
17:53We've thought about it, we think it's better for the team.
17:56Well, I'll just remind you that I got my minimum skills in one month.
18:00It's unprecedented.
18:01Oh no, but I know.
18:03It's because I'm gluten intolerant, right?
18:05That's not the problem, Lola.
18:06Then what's the problem?
18:07You're not in the Derby spirit at all, actually.
18:09You're not in the Derby spirit at all.
18:11Me?
18:12I'm not in the Derby spirit.
18:14And you're not saying anything?
18:15Lola, to be a cannibalicorn, you don't just have to skate well.
18:19Okay, you know what? I'm out.
18:21But don't forget to come back to your shitty team in a week.
18:24I don't care.
18:25Peace!
18:32Are you okay? Are you happy?
18:34No.
18:37The risotto is good, yeah.
18:39Ah, hello, darling.
18:42Ah, hello.
18:43How was the party?
18:45Yeah, it was really, really cool.
18:47That's it, I think we get along well.
18:51We had a lot of fun, anyway.
18:53Good, that's good.
18:57Hello? Hello?
18:59Oh no!
19:00You've been fooled!
19:02You're on the answer machine.
19:04You know what to do next.
19:05Kisses.
19:06Kisses.
19:07Hi Lola, it's MJ.
19:09I found your number on the white pages.
19:11I'm going to Inferno.
19:12I just learned the news.
19:13I'm sorry.
19:14I don't understand at all why they fired you from the team.
19:17Anyway, see you soon.
19:21That's nice of you.
19:22You were right, the derby roller was a bad idea.
19:25Are you happy now?
19:32Can I come in?
19:36Yes.
19:45Why did they fire you from the team?
19:49Dad?
19:53Why does everyone hate me?
19:56Don't say that.
19:58I love you.
20:00You don't have a choice, you're my dad.
20:02You have to.
20:04Before, everyone loved me.
20:08Now, no one can love me.
20:11I did something wrong.
20:13It's my fault.
20:17I really need to change this answer machine.
20:24I wanted to be part of the derby.
20:29I liked being part of their group.
20:35I wanted them to like me.
20:37I wanted them to think,
20:40we have Lola Bouvier in our team.
20:42Can you imagine how lucky we are?
20:50It was my last chance to do something in my life.
20:53I really like it.
20:55My last chance to be happy.
20:58Dad?
21:03Dad, are you crying?
21:06No, I'm not.
21:09So, when I told you I was sad,
21:11and that it was my last chance to be happy,
21:13it touched you?
21:16Yes, because it's sad.
21:19No, dad, it's great!
21:28Lola Bouvier
21:351-2, 1-2, test.
21:39Good evening, everyone.
21:41It's me, Lola Bouvier.
21:44To be honest with you, an hour ago,
21:46I was really upset.
21:49And then,
21:51I thought about it for a long time.
21:54I had time to think about it.
21:56And I thought that maybe you were right.
21:59It's true that I can judge people
22:02because their hair color is absolutely disgusting,
22:06but it's not their fault.
22:08I say, no to stereotypes.
22:10No, we're fed up with them.
22:12Or,
22:13young overweight girls,
22:17because they eat Shock and Croc all day long.
22:20And I judge them, I don't understand,
22:22because I have a great metabolism.
22:24And if you judge me, then you're not better than me.
22:27And I thought that
22:29being a real Derby girl
22:31was just accepting others for their difference.
22:34You don't realize that you just broke the dream of a young girl
22:37who had sacrificed her whole life for skiing
22:39and who was forbidden from skating.
22:41And being part of your team, well...
22:46It was my only chance to be happy again.
22:51It's a really sad story.
22:54I'm sorry.
23:01Do you want me to bend my knees?
23:03No.
23:05I'm begging you, get me back in the team, please.
23:08To be a real Canibalitorn,
23:10you also have to know how to kick ass.
23:12I don't think you can do it.
23:17Hey, you.
23:18Your mother is a whore.
23:24Well, no.