Lola Bouvier, 25, a fallen ice-skating star with an outsize ego, decides to become “the greatest roller-derby champion of all time,” but unwittingly joins one of France’s worst teams: the Cannibal Unicorns!
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Now, I'm going to try to do it like this.
00:07When you're watching this video, I'll be already far away.
00:10Yes, I know. It's a shock.
00:12And you're probably wondering how you're going to do without me.
00:15Yes, it's normal. But it's time for me to fulfill my destiny.
00:19I hope you'll understand.
00:30Goodbye, lesbian friend. You're going to miss me and you'll always stay in my heart.
00:39She's dead.
00:40No, she's not dead. It's just that she let us go. That bitch.
00:44But the sound pack...
00:48Hello everyone.
00:49Well, I guess everyone knows me, but I'm still going to introduce myself.
00:52Because I like that.
00:54So, my name is Benjamin Félix Edmond Van Lidselvaard de Houtenbafen.
00:58But you can call me Benjamin. Or Benji. Or Ben.
01:01Or even sir, if you're very fond of politeness.
01:05I'm the creator and choreographer of Tap on the Pop.
01:08So, I've worked with the greatest. Millepied, Pietragala, Béjart, Kids United.
01:12I know, it's very impressive.
01:14This year, we decided to hit hard.
01:16And for that, we called upon a great name in artistic skating.
01:20I guess you've all recognized him among us.
01:22Elliot Tremblay.
01:25Thank you, Elliot.
01:28And he will have as a partner Lola Bouvier, who will play Jamila Alassem.
01:32Very good. No, please, we don't have time.
01:34So, this year, I decided to work on the theme of migrants.
01:37Can someone tell me what a migrant is?
01:39Yes.
01:40Yes, Jessica?
01:41It's when, for example, someone tries to flee their country in war.
01:44And that's it. And it's wrong. Null.
01:46No, a migrant is no more or less than a poor bugger,
01:49who comes to scratch allocations and who dies drowned in the Mediterranean.
01:52So, I know, it's boring. It's bad.
01:54But it's sales. It's marketing.
01:56Who says migrant? Say drowned.
01:58Light, please.
02:00Who says drowned? Say middle queue.
02:03Middle queue.
02:05Water. Water.
02:07Climate change. Climate change.
02:10Glacier air. Glacier air.
02:13Ice. Ice.
02:15Skating. Skating.
02:18Tap on the pop.
02:21CQFD.
02:23Thank you, thank you, thank you. Stop, stop.
02:25That's it.
02:26Listen, I think we're done. Thank you for your attention.
02:29And see you tomorrow. It's the beginning of rehearsals.
02:31I want you all on the ice at 6 o'clock sharp.
02:34No delay.
02:53Lola.
02:54Hi.
02:56With girls, we're big fans.
02:58That's Cindy and Sandy.
03:01What's that?
03:03Fries.
03:04Yes, I know what fries are.
03:06But why are you eating that?
03:08It looks good, those fries sticks. Can I?
03:10Not that, it's to be lucid.
03:12Sticks.
03:13Do you know Deli Miss Roussos?
03:15No.
03:16Well, be careful.
03:17Hi, Lola.
03:18Hi.
03:19Can I sit down?
03:20No.
03:21No, it won't be possible. Sorry, it's taken.
03:22Ah.
03:23No, but here too. It's already taken.
03:25Ah, OK. Well, it doesn't matter.
03:28Sorry.
03:29Ciao, ciao.
03:31No, but it doesn't go to your head.
03:32Well, she's nice, isn't she?
03:33Nice?
03:34Doubles are the worst.
03:35They expect only one thing.
03:36That you get hurt or that you die to take your place.
03:39Or worse, that you grow up.
03:41You shouldn't mix up the towels and the towels.
03:43We, you see, we stay together.
03:45We help each other.
03:46We help each other.
03:47We are united.
03:48United.
03:49We are a family.
03:50Stop repeating everything I say.
03:51Stop.
03:52Sorry.
03:53Anyway, we have to go.
03:55Ciao, ciao.
03:56Ciao, ciao.
03:57Ciao, ciao.
03:58Ciao.
03:59Ciao.
04:00Bye.
04:01Here.
04:28Ah, Lola, my darling.
04:29Come here, I have to talk to you.
04:32How are you, my dear, today?
04:33I'm fine.
04:34Ah, great, great.
04:36Tell me, my dear.
04:37I heard you were eating french fries.
04:41And that you...
04:42And that you gave some to the other girls too.
04:44Nonsense.
04:45So, please.
04:46If you want to get obese, my dear, that's your problem.
04:48Okay?
04:49But as long as you're in my show, that's my problem.
04:51So I'm going to send you the email that I send to all my skaters
04:53who tend to go to my point,
04:55with inside the list of foods you have the right to eat.
04:58You'll see, it's very simple.
04:59It's just vegetables.
05:00Greens, greens, greens.
05:01Okay?
05:02Because you absolutely have to lose those eight kilos before the first one.
05:05Eight, that's a lot of money.
05:06Yes, but we're doing art here.
05:07Not burlesque.
05:09So no tissue, no show.
05:11See you later, my dear.
05:31Lola.
05:32Lola, my dear.
05:33Excuse me.
05:34Can I know what you're trying to do?
05:35Oh, no, it's nothing.
05:36I'm just warming up.
05:37That reassures me.
05:38Listen, because I have the impression that you're trying to poop in the middle of the skating rink.
05:41Please, Lola.
05:42Don't make me regret accepting to put you on stage.
05:45Okay?
05:46And stretch your legs when you skate.
05:48A little bit of fat, damn it.
05:49Isn't that too much to ask?
05:51It's tap dance pop here.
05:52Don't forget it.
05:53Yes, Benjamin.
05:54You're Jamila El Asem.
05:56And Jamila El Asem, she's in the middle of the Mediterranean.
05:59She hasn't eaten anything for ten days, if you know what I mean.
06:02Yes.
06:03Okay, do me a Spread Eagle.
06:05Come on, hurry up.
06:07A little effort on your attitude.
06:10More outward, the Spread Eagle.
06:12No, damn it!
06:15Oh!
06:16I want vapor, evanescent, I want fleeting.
06:20Okay, Lola.
06:23Lola.
06:25For the next rehearsals, I want to see fat.
06:28No fat.
06:31Got it?
06:42I thought it would be fun to get to know you a little bit.
06:47At one point in my journey, there were twelve dolphins,
06:51and there was even a jellyfish.
06:53That's how I found myself, Lola.
06:55What?
06:56What?
06:57Huh?
06:58Okay.
06:59Anyway, I'm really happy to do this show with you, Mom.
07:02Well, yes.
07:03I was so tired that you lost control in every way.
07:06It doesn't matter.
07:07Hey, it's our space, it's something.
07:10I don't understand anything, Eliott.
07:12Oh yeah?
07:13It's really great.
07:15You know, Eliott, I have to tell you something.
07:18Oh no, I can't.
07:20Oh yeah, you've said too much.
07:21Come on, shoot.
07:22Okay, I have a poster of you in my room.
07:25A poster?
07:26A poster.
07:27Yeah, yeah, a poster.
07:28No, a French poster.
07:29Are you kidding me?
07:32Are you kidding me?
07:33Mayonnaise?
07:34No, are you kidding me?
07:36Are you kidding me too?
07:38No, no, you really have a poster of me in your room?
07:40Oh yes, yes, yes.
07:41Ayoye.
07:43Flatterer.
07:45Oh, come on, don't bother yourself for me, you can answer.
07:48Oh no, it's nothing.
07:50Don't worry.
07:51Oh yeah?
07:52So...
07:54Oh...
07:56Well, I'm going to bed.
07:58See you tomorrow at rehearsal?
08:01Yes, yes.
08:03And...
08:05Don't stress, Lola, okay?
08:08You have everything you need in you, okay?
08:11Yes.
08:12Trust yourself.
08:24Well, there you go, you see when you want to move.
08:52You know, Lola, if you need to talk about it, I'm here.
09:07I don't see what you're talking about.
09:09Well, you know...
09:12No.
09:14Vomit.
09:18What's your plan?
09:21Do you think you can really threaten me?
09:23No, no, no, not at all.
09:25No, it's just, you know, I don't know how...
09:27No, you don't know anything at all, okay?
09:28And you and I will never be friends.
09:29So go scratch friendship elsewhere or touch your ass.
09:31I'm sorry.
09:32It's not at all what I was going to say.
09:34Yeah, that's it.
09:35Bye.
09:36Yeah.
09:45Yeah, not bad, Bouvier, not bad.
09:47And where are we with this Axel?
09:49At work.
09:51Well, I hope so.
10:00I think you've really made some good progress.
10:03No, but I told you you had it in you.
10:05You're going to have it, that damn Axel.
10:09Well, you know, it's a simple Axel that cost me my...
10:13It's the Axel that cost you your gold medal, that's it.
10:15I think you need to take a little bit of a break.
10:18Would you like to catch up later, Jean?
10:22Oh, yeah.
10:23Elliot.
10:24So it's a yes?
10:26Yes.
10:27Okay.
10:28All right.
10:29See you later, then.
10:30See you later?
10:31See you later, yeah.
10:32See...
10:33See you later.
10:34See you later.
10:36See you later.
10:37Yeah.
10:39See you later.
11:03it's as hot as a burger.
11:05Oh yeah, you're right.
11:06Have you ever heard of intermittent fasting?
11:08No.
11:08It's not complicated.
11:09You drink a lot of water and you don't eat.
11:11And when you feel like you're going to faint,
11:13you suck on a candy.
11:14I love sucking on candy.
11:15Fuck.
11:16I don't know how you do it.
11:18I...
11:19I'm really too lazy.
11:21Ah! I have a good one!
11:22Are you ready?
11:24It's so funny.
11:26Do you know why artistic skating
11:28is so hard to watch?
11:30Because the skate is annoying.
11:34Did you understand?
11:36The skate is annoying?
11:38Wait, because I also have a joke
11:40that's really good.
11:41Do you know the difference between
11:43your mother and your sister?
11:44No.
11:45Well, 100!
11:51Oh, yes, yes, yes.
11:53Did you understand?
11:55I didn't understand.
11:57No, but this kind of joke
11:58is not at all the spirit of your pop band.
12:00Not at all, not at all, not at all.
12:02Well, yeah.
12:04Fuck off.
12:05There you go.
12:06That's funny.
12:12Perfect.
12:23You know,
12:25it's not a big deal.
12:26It can happen to anyone.
12:27It's not your fault.
12:29You know it's not my fault.
12:31Chris,
12:32when you want me to cook you
12:33with a plate so full,
12:34you look like a polar bear, Chris.
12:36Well, hair is natural.
12:39And patriarchy.
12:40Huh?
12:41I'm warning you.
12:43If you tell anyone about this,
12:45you're fired from your pop band.
12:47Get it?
12:51Hasta la vista.
13:02Oh, fuck.
13:04What's going on?
13:05You ate King's Poutine?
13:06You're unbearable.
13:07What are they doing?
13:08You can see they can't lift it.
13:10We've never seen a trout fly before.
13:12What's going on?
13:14I don't know.
13:15You're unbearable.
13:16You love fat too much.
13:17Fuck, I haven't eaten
13:18in three weeks.
13:19Oh, Lola!
13:20Please, don't be vulgar.
13:21It's not Eliott's fault.
13:23Well, the General is on Saturday,
13:24so until New Year's Eve,
13:25I'm not going to eat.
13:26I'm not going to eat.
13:27I'm not going to eat.
13:28I'm not going to eat.
13:29I'm not going to eat.
13:30So until New Year's Eve,
13:31I'm not going to eat.
13:32You were great, my dear.
13:33Really.
13:34Just one thing.
13:35Turn around.
13:36Look, your pelvis.
13:37You see, when you're like this.
13:38Hop.
13:39Tac.
13:40Forward.
13:41Forward?
13:42Yes.
13:43You put it more forward.
13:44OK.
13:45Look, tac.
13:46Backward.
13:47Hop.
13:48Forward.
13:49You see, backward, forward.
13:50You put it forward.
13:51OK.
13:52You lift your thing.
13:53Tac.
13:54You put it forward.
13:55OK, I get it.
13:56Go take a break.
13:57Thanks.
13:58What a look.
14:01Move!
14:02Come here.
14:03Not you, the break.
14:04We're going to work on your axles.
14:05I'm a little tired today.
14:07Axles now!
14:18I told you she couldn't
14:19plant an axle.
14:20Yeah.
14:21She's crazy.
14:22Besides, she's a skipper.
14:23She's got hair everywhere.
14:24He said his kid looked like a caribou.
14:27What's a caribou?
14:28Oops.
14:32OK, I have to go.
14:33I have to get ready.
14:34I'm having dinner with him tonight.
14:35Hey.
14:36Hey.
14:38Ah, Lola.
14:39Honey, come sit down.
14:40Shut up.
14:42She's gone dark.
14:44Can I sit down?
14:45Yeah, yeah.
14:46Thanks.
14:57Hey.
14:58Do you want a Choc'n'Croc?
14:59It's so good.
15:03Choc'n'Croc.
15:04Go ahead, take one.
15:08I'm sorry.
15:10I was such an asshole with you.
15:12It's OK.
15:14Forgiveness is more virile than punishment.
15:17That's deep.
15:19Yeah, well, it's not mine.
15:20It's Gandhi's.
15:23Gandhi, the Lord of the Rings?
15:27Um...
15:49Hardwin leads the lead jump.
15:50Nothing stops them.
15:51The Cannibals lead the game.
15:53And they win!
15:54Yeah!
15:57Fuck, this is crazy!
15:59What are you doing here?
16:00I mean, sorry, what are you doing here, Mr. Nationally Strong?
16:03Lola, I love the way you skate.
16:06Yeah, well, Benjamin doesn't like the way I skate.
16:09Well, Benjamin doesn't know anything.
16:11You're not what people think you are.
16:14You're not the one who's going to try to make a comeback that no one believes in.
16:19You're not the one who cut the hands of a skater because she was stronger than you.
16:24You're not that mean, mean, mean girl either.
16:29Nelson Monfort, I think I got it.
16:31I got it, yeah.
16:32Yeah, you got it.
16:33Well, no, you didn't get anything at all, actually.
16:35Do you really think you're here in your place?
16:41I don't know.
16:42I've been dreaming about it for at least a thousand years.
16:44And now that I'm here, I don't know anymore.
16:45But maybe deep down, you just changed your dream, Hardwin.
16:54I don't know.
17:05When I crossed, there were like half a dozen dolphins.
17:08No!
17:09And a turtle, too.
17:10Oh, yeah?
17:11My little hippocampus that was hanging.
17:14I'm telling you, don't stress.
17:16All of it.
17:17Oh, you.
17:18Okay?
17:19Trust yourself.
17:20Really.
17:21Trust.
17:24Trust.
17:35Do you think it's by skating like that that I'm going to apologize?
17:38Apologize for what?
17:40You know very well, Lola.
17:42Lola, who are you talking to?
17:44Nobody.
17:45Okay.
17:46The press conference is about to start.
17:48Are you ready?
17:50Sweetheart.
17:55Cheers.
17:57Cheers.
18:15Suzanne Michel for Magazine Face, Madame Bouvier,
18:17what does it make you to be under the spotlight again?
18:20Aren't you afraid to create controversy about your past?
18:23No, no, no. Mademoiselle Bouvier will not answer any questions about her past.
18:28Lola, next. Next question.
18:30Yes, hello, Julie Plancher from Super Patin Magazine.
18:33Mr. Van... Vanistelle... Mr. Vanistelle Fardé...
18:37It's true that you have a shitty name.
18:39Mr. Benjamin, why did you choose this topic, migrants?
18:42Thank you for asking the question.
18:44So, first of all, because it's a topical subject.
18:46But, above all, because it's a subject that touches me particularly.
18:51When we think about all these people who come to seek a better life,
18:54often at the risk of their lives, it's terrible.
18:56Terrible.
18:57Well, sorry, but...
18:59Because I remember when you told us about it the first time,
19:02you said that migrants were just poor assholes
19:05who came to fish in the Alps and...
19:07And marketing, marketing, right?
19:09Sorry, but you can see that Mademoiselle Bouvier has a problem with alcohol.
19:13I wanted to tell you...
19:14Jessica.
19:15Jessica, you're a whore.
19:18Hey, and the two behind, yeah, you're big whores.
19:22Yeah, and you're all disgusting, you disgust me.
19:26So?
19:27Except you, Marion.
19:28Marion, you've always been super nice to me, and I respect you.
19:33And all the other voice actors, you're super nice, okay?
19:36Oh, Lola.
19:37Yeah, and Nelson Monfort in my heart, my face.
19:40Come on, I'll show you.
19:41I see why I let myself grow the hair of the cat,
19:44because I'm a real derby girl, okay?
19:47There you go.
19:48There you go, huh?
19:49It's good, we're going to get a lot of light.
19:51And by the way, I'm going to tell you honestly,
19:53I'm leaving because I have a derby match to win with my lesbians.
19:57Yeah, you've got a lot to do for us, huh?
20:00Well done, Lola.
20:01Yeah, so my name is Hardwheel, and here, I'm going to leave you a little souvenir.
20:05Ah!
20:06There you go.
20:07Cheers!
20:08Excuse us, we're cancelling the press conference.
20:11Oh, God.
20:17Oh!
20:29Knock, knock, knock.
20:37Don't ask me questions, please.
20:40Don't ask me questions.
21:10Don't ask me questions.