It's basically sirup. #shorts #youtubeshorts #comedy #funny #honestads #cracked
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00We added some water and bubbles to it so you can pretend it's a drink.
00:03It's not. It's basically syrup.
00:06But my competitors and I have spent decades and billions of dollars
00:10to slowly make the general public associate our product with fun,
00:15happiness, togetherness, and in some cases, entire holidays,
00:20which thankfully happen regularly, forever.
00:24Point is, you're probably already on board with the idea of consuming
00:30wet sugar with bubbles in it.
00:31So I'm not going to spend any more money on this,
00:34nor am I going to pay a celebrity millions of dollars
00:37to tell you to drink wet sugar with bubbles in it.
00:39I don't need to. You love it.
00:42Hi, I'm some guy named Roger.
00:44And if it's hot out or you like having friends
00:47or some other virtually universal aspect of life,
00:51I think you should buy some Horton Brand EverVescent Liquid Candy.
00:56But more importantly, buy some for your kids.
01:00Of course, if your child goes to public school,
01:03we have huge stakes in their lunch programs.
01:06So we'll just sell it to them directly and cut you entirely out of the equation.
01:10You can even put money in a glass box and get a wide variety of flavors.
01:16Mmm, caramel dye.
01:20If you knew how much sugar a human is supposed to consume in a day, very little,
01:25and how much sugar is in one bottle of wet sugar lots,
01:29you probably wouldn't drink it.
01:30And we want you to drink it.
01:32So we bullied the FDA into letting us straight up not give you that information.
01:37But if you're really concerned,
01:40we can put the word diet somewhere on the can
01:43and replace the piles of natural sugar with chemicals
01:46that are so incompatible with human biology
01:49that our bodies don't even metabolize them.
01:54Mmm, that's gonna slide right through me.
01:59Luckily, we're pretty sure these chemicals don't cause any lasting damage,
02:04well, except bladder cancer in laboratory animals
02:07and other kinds of cancer in other laboratory animals.
02:11But you're a human, so f**k it.
02:18Ah, sweet, sweet acid.
02:21Yes, acid is the right word.
02:23If I pour a bottle of cool, refreshing, sugary acid onto a car,
02:28it will literally strip away the paint.
02:30But we don't pour it on cars.
02:33We pour it in our mouths, past our teeth, into our tummies.
02:37And you'll pay more money than you should for it,
02:40even though it costs almost nothing to produce.
02:43The container, actually, is the most expensive part.