Frasier Season 1 Episode 22 Author Author
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00My usual. How lovely it is to have a usual.
00:06What is this?
00:09Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.
00:11Oh, no, no, that's my brother, as usual. I am the double coner with cream.
00:17Oh, Frasier, I'm glad to see you.
00:20Your usual, Doc?
00:21Oh, please.
00:30Now, you seem more than usually agitated today.
00:34Problem?
00:35I'm meeting my publisher here in 15 minutes.
00:38Remember the book deal I signed last month, the one you were so jealous of?
00:41I wasn't jealous, Niles. You just wanted me to be jealous.
00:44Well, it's all moot anyway. The deal's about to be killed.
00:47Turned out the idea I sold them had already been done.
00:51They gave me till today to come up with an alternative, and I've got Bupkus.
00:55Got less than Bupkus.
00:56About what Bupkus keeps with the lint in the bottom of his pocket.
01:02Can't you just ask for an extension?
01:04No, no, I've had two already.
01:07Oh, God, there he is.
01:10Sam!
01:11So good to see you.
01:12Niles?
01:12Yes.
01:13Sam Tanaka, my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.
01:16It's a pleasure.
01:17Nice to meet you.
01:18Sam, would you like a coffee?
01:20Oh, I'll have what he's having.
01:21So you shall.
01:25One more, please.
01:27Wait a second.
01:29You are the doctor from the radio, aren't you?
01:32Guilty as charged.
01:33I listen to your show all the time.
01:36Oh, thank you.
01:37Funny, I never put it together that the two of you are brothers.
01:41All our lives.
01:41You two must have incredible insight into sibling relationships.
01:50No more than your average psychiatrist brothers.
01:55So, Niles, what's your idea?
02:01My idea.
02:02Well, Sam, you know, I've given it a lot of thought, and it's not easy.
02:06You know, you'd almost think there is a book in that.
02:09In what?
02:10Two psychiatrist brothers writing about sibling relationships.
02:16That, Sam, is why you are the most respected publisher in the greater Seattle area.
02:20That is exactly the idea we were going to pitch to you.
02:22What?
02:24Terrific!
02:25Oh, I'd hate to interrupt.
02:26Excuse me.
02:28Gentlemen, I'm going to cancel my lunch date so I can take you two out to celebrate.
02:35Oh, well, we were going to write today, but okay.
02:40Miles, what the hell are you doing?
02:41I don't want to write a book.
02:43For God's sake, I'm out of here.
02:45Frasier.
02:46Well, I know he's asking a big favor.
02:48I mean, I know you're busy, but I just want you to know that all my life I have dreamed
02:53of one thing, the day I could go into a library and go to the card catalog and see my name
02:58under mental illness.
02:59The day I could finally feel what you feel, that I'm somebody, not just one more dusty
03:13little psychiatrist in a gray pinstripe suit.
03:16Oh, Miles, I...
03:17Oh, come on.
03:19We haven't collaborated on anything together since we wrote the spring musicale in prep
03:23school.
03:23Well, it was well-received.
03:28Didn't get us out of gym class.
03:33It could be like that again.
03:35I don't know, Niles.
03:36Oh, some boys go to college, but we think they're all wussies, because they get all the
03:49knowledge, and we get all the...
03:52All right, I'll do it.
03:56Yes!
03:56Hello, Niles.
04:10What are you doing over here?
04:12Oh, Dad, I told you it's our first writing session tonight.
04:15But I thought you were doing it over at Niles' house.
04:17We were supposed to.
04:18Unfortunately, it's Maris' turn to host her sherry-tasting group, and things tend to get
04:23a little raucous when she does.
04:24But the Sonics are on in 20 minutes.
04:28Oh, Dad, I've solved that problem.
04:29I bought you these headphones.
04:31Now, here, you see?
04:32You'll be able to listen to the TV without disturbing Niles and me while we work.
04:36What about Eddie?
04:37How's he gonna hear?
04:42He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper.
04:48Try him out there.
04:49Hey, not bad!
04:58Very clever solution.
05:00Yes, it also has another little feature that I like a lot.
05:03Watch this.
05:05Hey, Dad.
05:06Nice shirt.
05:10What, did they throw that in the last time you had your tires rotated?
05:12Hey, Dad.
05:18Tell us about the time you met Dwight Eisenhower.
05:21We haven't heard that story this hour.
05:26Okay, okay.
05:28All right.
05:28My turn.
05:29My turn.
05:29Okay.
05:30Hey, Dad.
05:30Say another word, and I'll club you both with my king.
05:33Hey, this is great.
05:42Thanks a lot.
05:43You bet.
05:44Watch out for this one.
05:45I gotta get myself a little snack.
05:49Who wants a beer?
05:50Just you.
05:53All right.
05:54Now, Niles, this is no time to procrastinate.
05:57Okay, here we go.
06:00Chapter one.
06:02Page one.
06:04Paragraph one.
06:06I'm indenting.
06:12I hate to squash your enthusiasm, but don't you think that before we start actually typing
06:18the book, we should discuss what the book is going to be about?
06:23Forgive me for just barreling ahead, but damn it, I'm jabbed.
06:27All right.
06:31You know, we have to approach this book from a completely different angle than all of
06:36our previous writings, our dissertations, our theses.
06:39Oh, that's right.
06:40Yes.
06:40This has to be interesting.
06:42Yes.
06:44Well, the obvious approach is case histories.
06:48We'll fill the book with anecdotes about brothers and sisters we've dealt with over the
06:52years in our practice.
06:53Yes, yes, yes.
06:54Then if we throw in a few references to heaving bosoms, we're bound to make Book of the Month
06:58Club.
07:00Boy, I could tell you a couple of stories about you guys you could throw in there.
07:06That's an interesting idea.
07:08We could use ourselves.
07:10It would make a delicious introduction to our book.
07:12I like the introduction idea.
07:14Dad, okay, give us your best story.
07:16The one you feel depicts little Niles and little Frazier at their conflicted best.
07:22Oh, that had to be when we went trout fishing up at that Lake Watson's name.
07:27Boy, you guys were at a tooth and nail.
07:29Oh, this is good.
07:30This is good.
07:30What was the name of that lake again?
07:33Dad, Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial.
07:35It's an Indian word, like Wachahachee.
07:39Dad, you're missing the point here.
07:41Your mother would know.
07:42It's too bad she's dead.
07:46Wachahachee.
07:48Kuchawachee.
07:50It was an Indian word.
07:52It meant land of a thousand.
07:54No.
07:54Dad, Dad.
07:55This is driving me nuts.
07:57I'm going to have to go in there and look it up.
07:59Dad, we just want the story.
08:01No, it's all right.
08:02Where the hell did I put my atlas?
08:06Quite a resource, isn't he?
08:09All right, we'll just put the introduction on hold.
08:11Okay, back to case histories.
08:13Well, I suppose I could go and get my files out of stores after the...
08:18Niles, is there a light bulb over my head?
08:26You have an idea?
08:27No, I'm asking you if there's actually a light bulb over my head.
08:32Of course I have an idea.
08:35It's my radio show.
08:37I mean, what better source of case histories can there be?
08:40I'll simply ask my listeners to call in with their personal stories of sibling conflict,
08:45and you can be my guest on the show.
08:47So what you're suggesting is that we exploit your listeners' lives for our own personal gain?
08:54In essence, yes.
08:55What do you think?
08:59I think it's borderline sleazy.
09:01Let's go for it.
09:13Hello, Ross.
09:14Hey, Frazier.
09:15What's your brother doing here?
09:17He's going to be my guest on the show today.
09:18Oh, no.
09:20I don't think so.
09:22I am the producer, and I approve all the guests.
09:25This wasn't run by me, and I do not approve him.
09:28Okay, Ross.
09:29Bye-bye.
09:29Have a good show.
09:30Okay, okay.
09:31He's approved.
09:32I will not get him coffee.
09:34I won't run his personal errands, and I'm not taking any of his crapola.
09:38Hey, Niles.
09:39Welcome aboard.
09:41Five seconds to air.
09:43Okay, Niles.
09:44Just sit down.
09:46I'll take a deep breath.
09:46Try not to spit on the mic.
09:49Right.
09:52Hello, Seattle.
09:53This is Dr. Frazier Crane.
09:55I have a very special guest with me today.
09:57My brother.
09:59The eminent psychiatrist, Dr. Niles Crane.
10:02Hello, Emerald City.
10:03What's doing?
10:04What's happening?
10:12What the hell do you think you're doing?
10:13That was my radio persona.
10:17Every great radio personality has one.
10:19I don't.
10:20That's my point exactly.
10:24Just try to be yourself, will you?
10:26Our topic today is siblings.
10:31What makes you love them?
10:32What makes you hate them?
10:34What little things do they do that especially annoy you?
10:37These could be things from your childhood.
10:40Or they could be things from your adolescence.
10:42Or they could be things from your young adulthood.
10:45Or they could be...
10:46They could be things that are going on right now.
10:52Ross, who's our first caller?
10:54We have Donald from Bainbridge Island.
10:57He hasn't spoken to his brother in over 20 years.
11:01Hello, Donald.
11:03I'm listening.
11:04We're listening.
11:13I'll never forget it, Dr. Crane.
11:16I cried for two hours straight.
11:19So you were completely bald.
11:21Yes, the perm destroyed my hair.
11:25I was sure my sisters were going to laugh at me, but they all kissed me.
11:31And then they marched into the bathroom and shaved their heads, too.
11:35Just so I wouldn't feel like a freak.
11:40Amazing.
11:41Well, there you have it, Seattle.
11:43The miracle of the sibling relationship spelled out in an unselfish act of head shaving.
11:50Well, that's all the time we have.
11:54I'd like to thank my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, for being here today.
11:59Niles, I would shave my head for you.
12:03A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.
12:06This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
12:16I'll be back tomorrow.
12:19One Crane flying solo.
12:25Frasier, we have hit the mother load.
12:27You have enough material here for two volumes.
12:30I must apologize for ever criticizing your radio program.
12:34Oh, it's all water under the pump, dear.
12:37I hate to break up the stroke-a-thon, but there's a Sam Tanaka on line one.
12:44Hello, Sam.
12:45You're on speakerphone.
12:46I quote the show today, fellas.
12:49You did?
12:51And?
12:52Magic!
12:56How's the writing coming?
12:57Oh, incredible.
12:58It's just flowing like water.
13:00We've got, what, two or three chapters already.
13:03That's good to hear.
13:05Because I just got off the phone with Reader's Digest.
13:09They're interested in the serialization rights.
13:13I need first few chapters to give them a taste.
13:17Can you fax them right over?
13:19Well, Sam, well, of course we could, but, you know, they're a little rough, Sam.
13:25No problem.
13:27You've got till Friday to polish them up.
13:30You can do that, right?
13:32Absolute Friday's fine.
13:36Terrific.
13:37I love you guys.
13:38Well, my God, what are we going to do?
13:41Well, now, let's remember we have all this material.
13:44It's just a matter of putting it together.
13:45It's due on Friday.
13:47Well, then we'll buckle down and do it by Friday!
13:50Wait, wait.
13:51I just remembered something.
13:52A story about George and Edward Gershwin.
13:54When they had to meet a deadline, they would lock themselves into a hotel room, free from
13:58distractions, and not come out until their task was complete.
14:01Brilliant.
14:02If we get hot, we'll not only finish this volume, we can write another chorus to best you is
14:06my woman now.
14:07Ha!
14:07It's clean.
14:12It's spartan.
14:14Mass-produced art.
14:15Totally devoid of charm.
14:17It's perfect.
14:18Let's get to work.
14:18And with you, mon frere, we cannot be intimidated by the tyranny of the blank page.
14:28All we need to get a good start here is room service.
14:34Treasure.
14:37All right, all right.
14:39All we need is a good opening sentence.
14:43Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes and then take him on a virtual
14:48rollercoaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.
14:53Treasure, while you're over there mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough.
15:00Voila!
15:01Our opening sentence.
15:04From Romulus and Remus to the Lennon sisters, sibling relationships have sparked psychological
15:10debate throughout the world.
15:15Interesting.
15:16You like it?
15:17Well, I said it was interesting.
15:20Task ahead of us now is to decide whether we'd like an interesting opening or a good
15:24one.
15:29You're just being negative because you didn't think of it first.
15:31No, in truth, I'm not.
15:33I never cared for Romulus, never cared for Remus, and the reference to the Lennon sisters
15:37is from the frickin' moon.
15:40Well, all right.
15:41If you can do better, please be my guest.
15:43I will.
15:44I will.
15:49My fingers are poised over the keys.
16:02I'm waiting.
16:03I'm still waiting.
16:16Oh, all right, all right.
16:20Put this down.
16:20The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest.
16:28That actually sounded good to me.
16:32Well, put that in there.
16:33The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest while still
16:40respecting each other's boundaries.
16:44What are you doing?
16:49What was that crap about boundaries?
16:52I was just finishing the thought.
16:54The thought was finished?
16:55It didn't need finishing, for God's sakes.
16:57Now it's a run-on sentence.
16:59Well, I think it's much better this way.
17:01I don't?
17:02Well, I'm at the keyboard.
17:03All right, then let me try.
17:04No, you know I can only write at a keyboard.
17:06You haven't written a thing all day except to ruin a perfectly good opening sentence.
17:09I was merely finishing it.
17:10It was an incomplete thought.
17:12Oh, you're an incomplete thought.
17:13What happened to the iced tea?
17:17I finished that, too.
17:38Niles, I've just had an epiphany.
17:43Oh, wonderful.
17:44We could use a second sentence.
17:48No.
17:50Not for the book.
17:52I just realized why.
17:55So many writers become bloated alcoholic suicides.
18:00No, don't type that in.
18:02I'm not.
18:04I'm adding up our tab from the minibar.
18:10We now owe $232.
18:15Oh, dear God.
18:16Well, you're the fool who ate the damn jar of macadamia nuts.
18:20No.
18:21No, it's dawn.
18:24It's Friday.
18:25Oh, Niles, why don't we just admit it?
18:28We can't work together.
18:30There's never going to be any book.
18:31Oh, not with that attitude, there isn't.
18:33Oh, will you get off it?
18:35Come on.
18:35The fat lady has sung.
18:37The curtain has been rung down.
18:39Here, I'll type it for you in capital letters.
18:41It's over.
18:49Let's just go home.
18:52Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised if you'd give up so easily.
18:55It's not your dream, after all.
18:58Why should it be, Mr. Big Shot Radio Hoost?
19:03Oh.
19:05Is that what this little tantrum is all about, huh?
19:08You're jealous of my celebrity?
19:10It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous.
19:13I'm just fed up!
19:19Fed up with being second all the time.
19:23You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did,
19:26but because you were older, you got there first.
19:29You were first to get married.
19:31You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted.
19:34By the time I get around to doing anything, it's all chewed meat.
19:37You're crying about something that we can't change.
19:41Oh, you wouldn't change it if you could.
19:42You'll love it.
19:43Oh, let it go, Niles!
19:45I can't let it go.
19:46My nose is rubbed in it every day.
19:48I'm the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association.
19:51My research is well-respected in academic circles.
19:54Four of my patients have been elected to political office,
19:57but it's your big fat face they put on the side of buses.
20:02I do not have a fat face.
20:04Oh, please, I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter.
20:12Well, at least I'm not spindly.
20:15You're calling spindly fat face.
20:18You, spindly fat face!
20:20Spindly fat face!
20:21Spindly fat face!
20:22You take that back!
20:24You make me!
20:24I will make you!
20:25I don't see you making me.
20:26Oh, yeah?
20:27Well, here's making you.
20:28Oh!
20:36Here's your fat face.
20:38Give me that.
20:39Give me that.
20:39Give me that.
20:40Oh, that's right.
20:40Oh, hot.
20:43Oh, hot.
20:44Oh.
20:44Miles, take it.
20:45Miles!
20:46Stop it.
20:48We're psychiatrists, not pugilists.
20:53I can't believe you fell for that.
20:55Oh, my God.
20:57Oh, my God.
21:02Oh, my God.
21:06My God.
21:07I'm having a flashback.
21:09You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me.
21:12You stole my mommy!
21:14Oh, my God.
21:20Oh, my God.
21:21Oh, my God.
21:22I've got to get out of here.
21:24This entire idea has been a fiasco from the start.
21:27It's the stupidest idea we ever had.
21:29I should have never agreed with it.
21:31Goodbye.
21:31Goodbye.
21:38Good morning, all.
21:40Good morning.
21:41You seem to here for this morning, Dr. Craig.
21:43And why shouldn't I be?
21:44Well, it's going to rain again.
21:46The jobless rate's up.
21:47About two minutes ago, Eddie was licking that muffin.
21:50Oh, I'll get you.
21:59Dad, the mark of a mature man is one that realizes he cannot control his circumstances.
22:05He can only control his response.
22:08You talking to your brother yet?
22:10I do not have a brother.
22:11I'm an only child.
22:14Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
22:16Hello, Daphne.
22:18Dad?
22:18Dad?
22:18Dad?
22:18Dad?
22:20I would like you to convey a message from me to Frasier.
22:31What makes you think I know where he is?
22:41Tell him he owes me half of this hotel bill.
22:44I will accept cash, but no personal checks.
22:46I know he has trouble writing things.
22:50I'm not paying any of this.
22:55Oh, so you're cheap as well as intellectually barren.
22:58And you're a no-talent hack.
23:00And you look stupid in a t-shirt.
23:01All right, that's enough.
23:03All right, that's enough.
23:06Sit down and listen to me.
23:08Sit down.
23:13Sit down.
23:14Now, I never had a brother, but I had a partner once, my first, Mitch Gossett.
23:24Big bear of a guy, arms like tree trunks.
23:28Mitch and I go to ball games together.
23:30We played cards.
23:31And this was after working eight hours together.
23:33Dad, that's all very nice.
23:35Just listen to me.
23:39About three months into our partnership, Goss and I got assigned to a stakeout.
23:46Three days in the front seat of a Chevy Nova together.
23:50Sleeping, sitting up, drinking too much coffee.
23:53Didn't take long before we started getting on each other's nerves.
23:59Because he was a big, egotistical fat face?
24:05Because we were human.
24:08He didn't like this about me.
24:10I didn't like that about him.
24:12It got ugly.
24:14When the stakeout was over, Goss requested a transfer.
24:18And that was fined by me.
24:19Three months later, he was stabbed, breaking up a bar fight.
24:27By the time I got to the hospital, it was too late.
24:33Take what you want from this story, boys.
24:37All I know is, it ain't worth it.
24:43Excuse me, I think you need a hanky.
24:45Frazier, isn't there something you want to say to your brother?
24:53Yes, Dad, I suppose there is.
24:58Now, I asked, would you like a muffin?
25:09Frazier!
25:10I'm all right.
25:11I'm all right.
25:15Niles, I'm sorry things didn't work out with the book.
25:23I, you have no reason to feel inferior to me.
25:29You're an accomplished psychiatrist, a decent man.
25:34And you stand second to no one.
25:36Thank you, Frazier.
25:43The truth is, I've always looked up to you and admired you.
25:49All right, enough of this mushy, girly stuff.
25:51Just shake hands, punch each other on the shoulder, and be done with it.
25:59Oh, what the heck.
26:02Oh, jeez.
26:03What are you crying about?
26:13I just keep thinking about poor Gus.
26:17It must be so hard on you, carrying all that pain around.
26:21There was no gas.
26:22I just made him up.
26:25Well, at least there's one good writer in this family.
26:28All right.
26:28Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:38Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:43Mercy.
26:44And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:47Well, maybe.
26:48But I got you pegged.
26:50Ha!
26:51Ha!
26:52Ha!
26:52Ha!
26:52Ha!
26:52But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
27:00They're calling again.
27:03Good night, everybody.
27:06Good night.