Malcolm In The Middle Season 6 Episode 8 Lois Battles Jamie
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00:00and the sprinklers went off and shorted out all the computers and we lost all our database for
00:05the last five years. Yeah, well, I just thought you might like to know who this slack-jawed idiot
00:12was. Dad, dad, you need four apples, not three. You only won another lottery ticket. It was Phil
00:20in accounting. He feels just awful about it and I wouldn't be too hard on him. His wife's a bit of
00:25a drinker and she's not particularly faithful. Yes, no, maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the question?
00:39You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now. And you're
00:47not so big. You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now. You're not
00:56the boss of me now. And you're not so big. Life is unfair.
01:09I'm starving. I hope mom has something decent for dinner. I saw her pulling bologna stew out
01:14of the freezer last night. Don't worry. I stuck a bloody band-aid in it before we left. Holy
01:20crap. Look at that. Cool. A diving board. Oh my god. This is the greatest thing ever. And
01:31someone just dumped it here for us to find. We've got to take it home. What are we going
01:37to do with it? I don't know. But look at it. It's, it's got the, and it's up and bounce and bounce.
01:46He's right. We need it. One, two, three, go. One, two, three, go. One, two, three, go. One, two,
02:00three, go. One, two, three, go. One, two, three, go. One, two, three, go. Oh, Jamie, this
02:17is ridiculous. You'll eat dead bugs out of the zapper for God's sake. Why won't you eat
02:22your peas? You love peas. Come on. This is name brand stuff. It's three times the price
02:29of the food I eat. If you want to breathe, you have to open your mouth. See, there's no reason
02:45breath. Now you're just going to have to eat some eyebrow too. Hi, honey. Did you share
02:57the same fight with him at breakfast? This is the same fight as breakfast. It's the same
03:03jar of peas and it's the same stubborn little boy who is not going to get his own way. That
03:09baby thinks he's going to break me, but he doesn't know who he's dealing with, pal. I'm not about
03:14to lose it with a... God, how does he do that? One, two, three, go. Please, we have to stop.
03:32I have to empty the blood out of my shoes again. One last time. One, two, three, go.
03:41This is going to be so great. This is the answer. What's the question? I don't know yet,
03:54but this is definitely the answer. Would you look at this? Jamie poured flour in the dryer.
04:05Now I get to wear a loaf of bread to work tomorrow. He destroys everything. He is absolutely the worst kid we have ever had.
04:12Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois. It's just the hand we were dealt.
04:18God just doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people. No, there's something different with Jamie.
04:24He's not like the other ones. I'm telling you, I can see it in his eyes. Honey, calm down.
04:30You know what will make you feel better? You take a look at them while they're sleeping.
04:34You know how cute he is with his tush all squished up in the air like that.
04:39Did you see him? See who? That way! We're in lockdown. This door stays closed until you hear the all clear call.
04:57The perimeter's sealed. He's not getting out this way.
05:13My jewelry box? Jamie, Mommy told you to...
05:18All right, Jamie. You've had your fun. Now it's time to give that back to Mommy and go to sleep.
05:26Jamie, I asked you to give it to me.
05:40Would you look at this thing? It's amazing. We've got to come up with something really great to do with it.
05:47What if we tied mattresses to ourselves and jumped off it?
05:50No, we could do that off the roof.
05:52We could launch mannequins into the press and jacuzzi.
05:58Uh-uh. It's not good enough.
06:00We could get a squirrel to dive off it into a cup of water.
06:03Not good enough.
06:06Not for her.
06:09Not this old beauty.
06:11Well, how about if we got a vat of Jell-O?
06:15No! It's not good enough!
06:19I got it!
06:21We take a dog.
06:23Time to a bicycle.
06:26No! It's just not good enough!
06:28Mom, it's home early!
06:38You do not pinch. You do not poke. You do not bite. You do not spit. You do not eye gouge. You do not vomit intentionally on other babies.
06:47A lifetime ban from Jamboree! A lifetime ban!
06:56I can't believe it!
07:01She didn't even see the board!
07:05This is a sign we were meant to have this.
07:10We were meant to do something really, really great with you.
07:16It'll come.
07:18We just have to be patient.
07:23No! This is Mommy's purse! You can't have it!
07:26Please! It's the only thing in the house that's Mommy's!
07:31Lois!
07:33Well, he has a million toys! Why does he only want to take my things?
07:36Honey, honey, you're taking this too personally.
07:38He doesn't understand what he's doing. He's just a baby.
07:41If you just give it to him for just a couple of minutes, he'll get tired of it.
07:46You're right.
07:48I guess I was just feeling that if I gave in to him, he'd see it as a sign of weakness.
07:53I'm gonna stop this right now.
07:56Here, sweetie. It's Mommy's purse!
08:00You can have that for five minutes, okay?
08:08I thought you said he wasn't eating anything.
08:11It's mocking us. It's a ten-foot-tall springboard that we got for free, and we can't think of a single thing that's good enough to do with it.
08:26I bet it belonged to some other family that went crazy because they couldn't come up with anything to do with it.
08:32They probably just sat around staring at it for months until they finally snapped and started eating each other.
08:38Damn it! We're better than this! I know we are!
08:42Remember that squash groundhog we found on the highway?
08:45We came up with a hundred things to do with that.
08:47From the horrible to the beautiful.
08:49I miss Flatty.
08:50Maybe we're just going about this the wrong way.
08:53We have to think outside the box.
08:56If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you?
09:00Take me ice skating.
09:02Don't be an idiot. That place is freezing, and it's always so crowded.
09:06Yeah, but they have good hot dogs.
09:08Those hot dogs suck compared to the ones at the train station.
09:10Why would a diving board want to go to a train station?
09:13How should I know? Maybe he wants to visit a relative.
09:15Okay, okay. Back in the box.
09:17Back in the box.
09:18Back in the box.
09:44Jamie doesn't have to eat his peas anymore.
09:47He can eat whatever he wants because mommy surrenders.
09:53Mommy has a tiny pony for Jamie.
09:57He wants to hug him and give him yummy candy corn.
10:04Mmm! I'm delicious!
10:07Is there a big boy who could eat me?
10:17He wants to hug him and give Rick to his other.
10:18He wants to hug him and give him a kiss.
10:19He wants to hug him and give him a kiss.
10:20You guys are the best.
10:21No, this is for him.
10:22Is there a big boy who could eat him?
10:23Oh, gotcha, you little...
10:53Jamie tries to kill Mom, and we're the ones who have to clean it up.
11:11You want to tell me how that's fair?
11:13You've got to give that kid some credit.
11:15It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
11:18Yeah.
11:20Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
11:22No, if he was, we'd have a way better house.
11:31You're the one, Jamie.
11:34Show me the way.
11:38There's a lot of things I can handle, a lot of things I've managed to survive.
11:43I'd even say I've thrived where others would have just thrown in the towel.
11:46Yes, honey, you certainly have.
11:49Now relax and let the bubbles do their work.
11:52Soothing, soothing...
11:55Dad, we finished...
11:56I told you to stay the hell away from this bathroom until I said so!
11:59This is a child-free zone until further notice!
12:03Soothing, soothing...
12:07You know what, Hal?
12:09I'm done.
12:11I give up.
12:12What are you talking about?
12:14Jamie wins.
12:15He beat me.
12:17All those years, all those terrible things those kids have done.
12:21It hasn't made me stronger.
12:22It's just worn me down.
12:24It's like termites eating away at a house until all that's holding it up is paint.
12:27I'm just paint, Hal.
12:30And Jamie knows it.
12:33You'll do a better job than I can.
12:36I trust you.
12:38No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
12:42You can't leave me alone with those kids!
12:44We had a deal, Lois!
12:45You are in charge of the spiritual and emotional development, discipline, and scary injuries.
12:52I kill spiders, mark their heights on the door frames, and supply car snacks.
12:57You walk out now and the whole system falls apart!
13:00I can't do it, Hal.
13:02I don't want to.
13:03I don't have it anymore.
13:05I mean, it's normal, right?
13:08People give up.
13:09They quit.
13:10Lois, you listen to me.
13:12No one is as good as you are.
13:14You took those vicious little fiends, and you twisted and crushed them into submission.
13:21You didn't do it because you had to.
13:23You did it because you loved the game, and it was beautiful!
13:27I just don't have that anymore.
13:29Honey, yes, you do.
13:30I know you do.
13:31You've just lost your way a little.
13:34You just need to think.
13:35Think back to the first time you found that spark.
13:39There's got to be some way to remember.
13:41And I'm going to help you.
13:47So, here I am.
13:49Dad said you needed some help on something?
13:50Francis, your father and I are trying to remember something, and we really need your help.
14:02We'd like you to think back to your earliest memories.
14:06What's this all about?
14:07Mind your own business.
14:08Just do it, will you?
14:09You've got to be kidding me.
14:11My childhood was a nightmare.
14:13I spent the rest of my life trying to board up that haunted house.
14:16Francis, this is important.
14:17I really need to remember something, and I don't know what it is.
14:21But please, you're the only one who can help me.
14:29My earliest memories.
14:31It's kind of vague.
14:33I remember we had that apartment.
14:36I remember it being really colorful.
14:39What?
14:39Come on, Francis, honey, please.
14:43Won't you eat anything?
14:44You try the carrots and the peaches and the oatmeal, the apples?
14:48Huh?
14:49Don't you like anything?
14:51Lois.
14:54Would you like to know what your son did to my director's cut of the eyes of Laurel Mars?
15:00He also shaved a hole in the carpet with my new Noralco.
15:04I'm sorry, hell.
15:05I asked him very nicely not to play with it, but he just wanted to listen.
15:10I can't get him to do anything.
15:13I've read Dr. Spock and Piaget and Eisenberg and The Language of Hugs, all these books.
15:18Nothing's helping.
15:19What he needs is a little discipline.
15:23I think he'd behave better if he just ate something.
15:25Look at him.
15:26He's just wasting away.
15:29I'm going to give him another Hershey bar.
15:32Lois, no.
15:33You can't keep coddling him like this.
15:36I am sick and tired of always having to be the bad cop because you're constantly getting into him.
15:43Okay, I'll try.
15:44You keep saying that and then you do it again.
15:47No, I'm going to be tougher with him.
15:49I promise.
15:55Huh, that's weird.
16:05I just have this vague feeling of you actually being a good mother.
16:14I hate you!
16:16I hate you!
16:18I hate you!
16:20I hate you!
16:21Reese, this is crazy.
16:24You've been staring at that damn thing for four days.
16:26We're getting rid of it.
16:28No, wait.
16:29I finally have an idea.
16:31What is it?
16:32I'll have it in a second.
16:34Just wait.
16:34It's over, Reese.
16:36Once the board's gone, things should go back to normal.
16:40Did you know that the Newmans put a statue of a naked guy on the front lawn a week ago?
16:44We should be ashamed of ourselves.
16:46No!
16:47We are not getting rid of this.
16:49Reese, what is the big deal?
16:51What is so special about this board?
16:56I think it's my last time.
16:59Last time for what?
17:00For anything stupid and reckless and fun.
17:05Maybe it's because I'm almost 18 now.
17:08But lately I've been hearing this voice in my head that says,
17:11That's dangerous.
17:13That's stupid.
17:15You're going to hurt yourself.
17:16And the old voice, the one that says,
17:20This is fun.
17:22Do it anyways.
17:24They'll figure out how to save you.
17:26It just gets quieter and quieter.
17:30Pretty soon, I won't be able to hear it at all.
17:32But before it dies, I want to say goodbye to it the right way.
17:43We'll give it the best send-off any crazy voice could ever ask for.
17:47I'd do it for mine.
17:49And then right around the time I was starting to walk, there was some kind of...
17:56I don't know.
17:58Let's stop.
17:59I want to stop.
18:01Honey, please, keep going.
18:03You can't stop now.
18:04No!
18:05I don't want to!
18:06We've been sitting here for five hours.
18:08Why are we doing this anyway?
18:10Francis, please.
18:11I think we're really close.
18:12Just one more time.
18:14Well, I kind of remember that frisbee game we used to play.
18:22Okay, honey, maybe we'll eat later.
18:26Lois, did you see what he did in there?
18:29He used my tennis racket to smash my camera and all my lenses to pitch.
18:35I still have film in it from the Us Festival.
18:40Where is he?
18:42Al, it's not his fault.
18:45I'm pretty sure he's working through a limitation anxiety phase.
18:48All the literature says this is the age where he's trying to...
18:51You cannot undermine me every time I try to discipline him.
18:55I can't help it.
18:56He's so small and helpless.
18:58I can't take any more of this.
19:00It is tearing our marriage apart.
19:03And for his own good, you have got to buckle down.
19:06Do you understand me, Lois?
19:12You have to find some way to be this boy's mother.
19:15Hello, Dr. Sachs.
19:26It's Lois again.
19:27I know I just called, but my husband yelled at me again about being stricter with Francis.
19:32And I wanted to know if you could write me a note saying that yelling at him could damage his psyche.
19:37It's such a tender time for Francis.
19:41He's so fragile and unformed.
19:44I just want to make sure I get it right, but everything I do feels wrong.
19:49This is all supposed to be so natural.
19:51Why can't I get this?
19:52I love him so much, and I want to be a good mother.
19:57And I know I have to be stronger, but I just don't think I can look in his eyes and not give him what he wants.
20:05He has such a sweet little face, and he's so innocent.
20:18I'm going to have to call you back.
20:20Fire is dangerous.
20:35Fire can hurt you.
20:52Fire can kill you.
20:55I will not let that happen.
20:59Let me make one thing clear.
21:02I love you.
21:03And I will do whatever I have to to take care of you, and keep you safe, and happy, and alive.
21:12I don't care if you grow up to hate me, but you will understand this.
21:18I will do anything.
21:24That is how much I love you.
21:33Yes, that's right.
22:01It's coming back to me.
22:03That sense of strength, and power, and purpose.
22:07I finally knew who I was, and what I was born to be.
22:11Honey, you're back.
22:13No.
22:14I knew you could do it, Mr. Fuzzles.
22:21Thank you, Francis.
22:24You can go now.
22:30What?
22:31What is it?
22:33We've got something for you.
22:34Dewey and I finally came up with something good enough for that insane voice in your head.
22:40Here.
22:40Put this on first.
22:42Roman candles?
22:44Well, that's how they started off.
22:46We decided to give them a little more...
22:49Oh.
22:50Do you care if you keep your eyebrows?
22:52Hell no.
22:52Oh, okay.
22:54The fuse is time for 20 seconds.
22:56You're going to light it, and then get up on the board, and jump.
23:01The rockets you're kicking around there.
23:04They won't give you any momentum, but they will ignite that.
23:11Hopefully, you will land in that kiddie pool.
23:14We think that's got a 50-50 shot of putting you out.
23:18If the roof doesn't collapse, or ignite.
23:22And it's all going to be caught on that video camera.
23:26It has a direct feed to the internet.
23:28You're the featured page on giantjackass.com.
23:35This is more than anything I could have ever asked for.
23:39Nobody deserves it more than you.
23:48Oh, my God, my God, my God, my God.
24:18Should I get the hose?
24:37Not yet.
24:39He would have wanted us to wait.
24:46Good boy.
24:47You finished all your pees.
24:52Slugger, guess what?
24:54The clinic called.
24:55They said my ass was a perfect match for your hand.
24:59They can start the skin grafts next week.
25:10Reese, what do you think you're doing?
25:12What?
25:13He loves the stuff.
25:14He goes through three or four cans a day.
25:16I don't know how he does it.
25:17Half a can makes me nuts.
25:19Thanks.
25:20Hmm?
25:20Hmm?
25:21Hmm?
25:22Hmm?
25:22Hmm?
25:23Hmm?
25:24Hmm?