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TVTranscript
00:00Satsang with Mooji
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Oh, damn, damn, damn!
01:08Something the matter.
01:11Do you know how long we've been stationary in this tunnel?
01:15Twenty minutes.
01:16Twenty-two minutes, ten seconds.
01:18Now, just how is one supposed to stay on schedule?
01:22I'm due at a quite crucial meeting.
01:25I'm in banking. What about you?
01:28Well, I'm in leisure, mostly.
01:33What, um, video games?
01:35No, more sofas, armchairs.
01:38Anything you can lounge around in.
01:41There's a big market in leisure, of course.
01:43Three million and rising.
01:47What can be holding us up?
01:49I expect it's an incident on the line.
01:52Incident on the line? What's that mean?
01:55It's London Transport for suicide.
01:58You mean that we're stuck here because somebody's thrown himself in front of a train?
02:02Quite. It's extremely selfish.
02:04People really want to commit suicide, they should do it in the privacy of their own homes.
02:08Yes, well, I didn't mean that.
02:10No, no, you're quite right.
02:11If God had intended us to leap in front of trains, he wouldn't have invented Valium.
02:15This is your driver speaking.
02:18London Transport regrets this delay, which is due to electrical problems. Thank you.
02:24It's a good job it's not too hot.
02:27The tube gets very unpleasant when it's hot.
02:30Quite.
02:32I don't like it when it gets too hot.
02:35The heat really, well, really warms you up.
02:44You hoping for a boy or a girl?
02:46Yes, I suppose so.
02:52Of course, the driver gets a week off.
02:56Sorry?
02:58If someone throws himself in front of his train, the driver gets a week off to recover from the shock.
03:04All the blood and the screaming.
03:07He gets a week off for that.
03:10No wonder London Transport runs it a lot.
03:12Here, here.
03:13I mean, you don't take a week off every time one of your clients commit suicide, do you?
03:17Certainly not.
03:22Our clients don't commit suicide.
03:24We're the caring bank.
03:27Well, suicide's almost a national epidemic now, you know.
03:31Well, that's hardly surprising, is it?
03:33We've got a government who thinks having fun is an act of subversion.
03:37We've got an economy which has more daily crises than crossroads.
03:40We've got riots taking over from cricket as the summer sport.
03:45Buses and trains that turn up about as frequently as Ailey's Comet.
03:48And we've got just about every youngster in the country doing shift work.
03:52Taking it in turns to hang about on street corners.
03:55I mean, life is hardly a bowl of cherries just now, is it?
03:58In fact, things are so bad, I hear the Samaritans are gone ex-directory.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:06Well, the trains are in a mess, that's for sure.
04:09Still, we're not as bad as the Swedes for suicide.
04:14In Sweden, almost everyone does it.
04:17LAUGHTER
04:18I blame Ken Livingstone.
04:19He hasn't been to Sweden, has he?
04:22LAUGHTER
04:23Now, it's obvious why the Swedes top themselves like hyperactive lemmings.
04:28It's all those endless winter nights having to sit through ABBA LPs and Ingmar Bergman films.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:34It's no wonder M-locks their national drink.
04:37I mean, Livingstone kiboshed the tubes with all that free transport for disabled homosexuals rubbish.
04:43I suspect that's why we ground to a halt.
04:46The train's weighed down by hordes of one-legged lesbians.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50Either that or London transports run out of cash again.
04:54Yeah.
04:55Any moment now, the law lords will rule that we're not entitled to go any further until we have a whip-run.
05:00Excuse me. Why we no move, please?
05:04Ken Livingstone.
05:05I mean, the Japanese know how to run an efficient railway.
05:20Oh, I know. I saw a bridge on the River Kwai.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:26This is your driver speaking.
05:28We regret this delay which is due to circumstances beyond our control. Thank you.
05:33Good job it's not something more serious.
05:36How do we know it's not more serious?
05:38Circumstances beyond our control might mean anything.
05:41Might be a fire, a gas leak.
05:44The Thames might be flooding and we'll all be drowned like rats in a trap.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:50What a happy soul.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53You ever thought of becoming a butlin's redcoat?
05:55LAUGHTER
05:57Oh, God! How much longer are we going to be stuck down here?
06:00Could be ages.
06:01That's a very reassuring thing to say to a pregnant woman.
06:05And a claustrophobic.
06:07A claustrophobic?
06:08Afraid so.
06:10This may seem a stupid question, but what's a claustrophobic doing travelling by tube?
06:15I mean, that's like a turkey visiting Bernard Matthews for Christmas.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:20You see, I feel I should try not to give in to it.
06:23I mean, I'm alright if the train keeps moving.
06:26Right now I think I'm about to panic.
06:28Well, try and relax.
06:29What's your name?
06:30Sandra.
06:31I've just been for a check-up.
06:33Well, Sandra, believe me, there's absolutely nothing to worry about.
06:36I'm eight months, two weeks.
06:38Correction, there is something away.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:42She shouldn't get excited in case... you know.
06:45If only I had something to take my mind off it.
06:48Would you like my daily telegraph?
06:49Aye.
06:50Excuse me.
06:52Excuse me.
06:54What?
06:55Welcome to our planet.
07:00That's not very much.
07:02We were wondering if we could borrow your reality escape kit.
07:05You see, this extremely pregnant woman is a claustrophobic
07:08and she's getting a bit jumpy because we have been stuck in this tunnel
07:11for approximately six eons.
07:13Oh, have we?
07:14Mm.
07:15So, if you don't mind, we'd like to anaesthetise her with a burst of, er...
07:18Oh, motorhead.
07:19Here you are.
07:20There you go.
07:21Don't blame me if your baby's born a raving headbanger.
07:25LAUGHTER
07:27OK.
07:28Sorry?
07:29I said OK.
07:31Oh, yes, fine.
07:33It's quite catchy.
07:34So's rabies.
07:36LAUGHTER
07:37Excuse me.
07:39Could I read your paper?
07:42Are you sure you want to?
07:44I mean, it's the telegraph.
07:46Rather cerebral.
07:47Yeah, well, I've come out without me Jack and Jill books, haven't I?
07:50LAUGHTER
07:51Here.
07:52Have The Guardian.
07:53Become a Trendy.
07:54Sir.
07:55This is your driver speaking.
07:57I apologise for this delay.
07:59We will be moving there as soon as possible.
08:03Uh...
08:04Of course.
08:06It takes some time for them to wipe it off the tracks.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:11Eh?
08:12All the bits.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:16What's he talking about?
08:18That's Dr Death, the world's leading expert on suicides.
08:21Right.
08:22And he's instructing those two gentlemen behind him.
08:24They're both trainee kamikaze pilots.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:2828 minutes 45 seconds.
08:31Am I going to miss that meeting?
08:33My uncle committed suicide.
08:35Oh.
08:37Hell.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:39He threw himself in front of the 345 out of Waterloo.
08:43Got killed at 10.15 the following Thursday.
08:46LAUGHTER
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48I mean, that's typical British Rail.
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54No, it was a joke.
08:56You don't have to tell me it's a joke.
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59I mean, look at all that money they wasted on the advanced passenger train.
09:03The one with that tilt-mechanism business.
09:05Ha!
09:06Ah, now that, I grant you, ludicrously ambitious.
09:08British Rail have enough trouble getting trains to go forward.
09:11Never mind from side to side.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14How do they get it to tilt?
09:15Easy.
09:16They put a BR pork pie on one side of the carriage.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:20I blame Peter Parker.
09:22They should get someone competent to run the trains.
09:24Like Mussolini.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26Excuse me.
09:27Singer sounds rather ill.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30Bloody batteries.
09:31Only bought them two days ago.
09:33I was enjoying that.
09:35Never mind, you can join in our scintillating conversation.
09:37The subject is the law of gravity versus pork pies.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:42I found the whole fingernail in one once.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:47LAUGHTER
09:48Yes, well, you would.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:51Dear, I think I can feel the shakes coming on again.
09:53I know, let's play a game.
09:55A game?
09:56Yes, help Sandra relax.
09:57Oh, I haven't got time to play games.
09:59All work and no play makes Jack have a coronary.
10:02LAUGHTER
10:03I think I'm about to have one of them.
10:05I know, I'll start.
10:06Uh...
10:07I spy.
10:08Oh, yeah?
10:09Huh.
10:10I spy...
10:11With my little eye.
10:12Yeah.
10:13Something beginning with T.
10:15Tunnel!
10:16Oh, God!
10:18LAUGHTER
10:19It was train.
10:20Well, as I said, no, you said a T.
10:22What are we surrounded by on all sides as far as the eye can see?
10:25A tunnel!
10:26I can't look.
10:27Well done, big mouth.
10:28Yes, well, I spy wasn't the brightest choice for a claustrophobic, was it?
10:32I mean, what's your next suggestion?
10:34Sardines.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:36All right.
10:37All right, I'll handle this.
10:39As a banker, I'm used to people who've got hysterical.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43Sandra?
10:45Sandra?
10:46There.
10:47Listen to me.
10:49Now, I want you to listen very carefully.
10:53OK.
10:54I want...
10:55I want...
10:56I want you to trust me, Sandra.
10:57All right?
10:58Right.
10:59Yes.
11:00I want you to do exactly as I say.
11:04Have you got that?
11:05Right.
11:06Good.
11:07Now, put yourself together, Emma!
11:09LAUGHTER
11:11LAUGHTER
11:12I see you're a graduate of the Barbara Woodhouse School, Sandra.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:20Yeah, what you do that for?
11:22Well, it was for her own good.
11:24Anyway, what's a pregnant woman doing alone on the tube?
11:27I mean, where's the baby's father?
11:29With his wife?
11:30Ah-ha!
11:31What do you mean, ah-ha?
11:33Yeah, what do you mean, you bossy git?
11:35What did you call me?
11:36A bossy git, he said.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:39You stay out of this puke feature.
11:41Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, this is not the House of Commons.
11:44LAUGHTER
11:46I might have known we'd end up arguing.
11:48We should never have got in a conversation in the first place.
11:51I mean, why couldn't we just sit and stare at each other
11:54in embarrassed silence like normal commuters?
11:57Now, as we're all comrades in adversity,
12:00I suggest that we all calm down.
12:03Show a bit of the good old British stiff-upper.
12:05I'm sorry, it was my fault.
12:08I've got a grip now.
12:10Yes, well, perhaps... perhaps we shouldn't get heated.
12:13Yeah.
12:14Let's all... well, cool it.
12:18All calm down.
12:21That's better.
12:23This is your driver's seat.
12:25Ah-ha!
12:27LAUGHTER
12:29Isn't that marvellous?
12:31Guards locked himself in the draughts,
12:32isn't that marvellous?
12:33Guards locked himself in the driver's cab with the driver,
12:34says he was threatened with a collapsible umbrella.
12:36Ha-ha!
12:37Ha!
12:38Ha!
12:39Ha!
12:40Ha!
12:41Ha!
12:42Ha!
12:43Ha!
12:44Ha!
12:45Ha!
12:46Ha!
12:47Ha!
12:48Ha!
12:49Ha!
12:50Ha!
12:51Ha!
12:52Ha!
12:53Ha!
12:54Ha!
12:55Ha!
12:56Ha!
12:57Ha!
12:58Ha!
12:59Ha!
13:00Ha!
13:01Ha!
13:02Ha!
13:03Ha!
13:0453 minutes.
13:05I'm going to be ridiculously late for that meeting.
13:07Of course, Henderson will take full advantage.
13:10Dicky Henderson.
13:12Ronald Henderson.
13:13I mean, he's a pushy little upstart.
13:15Only just joined the bank.
13:17After my job.
13:18Well, at least you've got a job for him to be after.
13:21I'm one of the young unemployed.
13:23And I'm one of the not so young as I would like to be unemployed.
13:26You said you were in the leisure industry.
13:30I said leisure.
13:31The word industry never passed my lips.
13:33So what are you togged up like that for if you're on the dole?
13:36Job interview.
13:37Sales assistant at Feldman's at Taylor's.
13:39Trouble is, I'm a little behind schedule.
13:41In fact, I'm about as late as a Norman Hunter tackle.
13:44I was at school with a bloke called Norman Hunter.
13:48Oh, he's dead now, of course.
13:50A tree fell on him.
13:51He's off again.
13:53Trouble is, I haven't even got a credible alibi.
13:56Sorry, my train got stuck in a tunnel.
13:59I mean, that's the sort of excuse people use when they're lying.
14:02It's the sort of excuse I use when I'm lying.
14:05Exactly.
14:06I mean, it's pathetically flimsy.
14:08I mean, Henderson's bound to exploit that.
14:10Oh!
14:11You OK?
14:12Oh!
14:13Oh!
14:14Oh!
14:15Just a twinge.
14:16Oh, Hope!
14:17It's a good job I didn't put my thick vest on.
14:26Who pushed his button?
14:27He's our token optimist.
14:29Oh.
14:30So how long have you been out of work, then?
14:32Ah, well, you see, I was unemployed long before it became fashionable.
14:37Even before they made documentaries about it,
14:39I was middleweight champion slob of Great Britain.
14:42Funny thing is, well, I didn't want to work.
14:44There were lots of jobs around.
14:45Now when I do, they're about to stop.
14:47That's common as unicorns.
14:48Sixty-six applications I've sent off.
14:50Oh, stop whining.
14:51There are lots of jobs young people can do.
14:54That's right.
14:55They could climb chimneys.
14:56Yeah.
14:57Or push tube trains.
14:58It'd save millions on electricity.
15:01Have fifty school leavers pushing at the back,
15:04and as the train trundles into the station,
15:06you could use staggered suicide attempts as a sort of braking system.
15:12I was a yacht for a while.
15:13A yacht?
15:14Youth Opportunities Programme.
15:16Count all the lampposts in Dollis Hill.
15:19Oh, well, that's a useful trade.
15:21Lamppost counter.
15:23My brother-in-law drove into a lamppost.
15:25He was killed outright.
15:29You're a regular little lucky mascot, you are.
15:36Do you know anyone who didn't die a violent death?
15:39Ah, well...
15:40You must be the London branch of the curse of Tutankhamen.
15:44Oh, damn.
15:46Fifty-five minutes.
15:47Nice watch.
15:48Oh, it's a quartz.
15:51Central in my line of work.
15:53I mean, punctuality is so vital.
15:55Why?
15:56What do you mean, why?
15:58I mean banking.
15:59And in banking, time is money.
16:01Yeah, well, you've lost a packet today then, haven't you?
16:04The funny thing about time is that, well, when you're really enjoying yourself, it flashes past like Sebastian Coe on Cenopods.
16:12But when you're having about as much fun as Enoch Powell at a reggae concert, i.e. like now, then Time's winged chariot suddenly develops a slow puncture.
16:24For instance, we've been sitting here how long?
16:27Fifty-six minutes, ten seconds.
16:29And it feels like how long?
16:31About six weeks.
16:32Exactly.
16:33Which just goes to show there are different kinds, absolute and relative time.
16:37Now, absolute time is governed by quartz watches and relative time by human brains.
16:43So, relatively speaking, at any given second, there are millions of different types of time.
16:49Were you some sort of anarchist?
16:52No, I was just...
16:54Look, there are only three kinds of time.
16:56Early, on time or miss the boat.
16:59Fifty-seven minutes.
17:01I mean, Henderson will be having a field day.
17:03I can just hear him ripping that report of mine to shreds.
17:07Fifty-seven minutes.
17:09I tell you, the first thing I'm doing when I get out of here is writing to my MP.
17:13Who is your MP?
17:14Oh, you know the chap. Conservative.
17:17Can't sound his eyes.
17:19Always appearing on Nationwide.
17:21That narrows it down to about 300.
17:23Oh!
17:25Oh, just a kick.
17:27Kicks me all the time.
17:29Really hard.
17:31Father wasn't a skinhead, was he?
17:36She's not going to have it here, is she?
17:38Oh, yes.
17:39It's the new trendy method of childbirth.
17:41You see, the baby is born into the drabbest, nastiest environment possible.
17:46On the basis that, from then on, life can only get better.
17:49Do you ever stop talking?
17:51January the 6th, 1964, I had laryngitis.
17:55Oh!
17:56Still, er, look on the bright side.
17:59Oh, the bright side?
18:00Mm.
18:01All that agonising pain is taking your mind off your claustrophobia.
18:04Oh, yeah, great.
18:06If it's any, er, comfort to you, er, I've had experience of giving birth.
18:11What did you have?
18:13Kittens.
18:14But my wife had a baby.
18:17Having a baby's a perfectly natural experience.
18:20It's no big deal.
18:21You sit here and say that.
18:24You're not actually going to have it now, are you?
18:26Let's hope not.
18:28I come out blue.
18:29I had a cord all round my neck.
18:33You'll have my hands round your neck in a minute.
18:36I've got an idea.
18:37Is there a doctor in the train?
18:40I am doctor.
18:41Great, he's a doctor.
18:43Doctor in nuclear physics.
18:47No, thank you.
18:48We want to start human life, not end it all together.
18:51Er, it's all right.
18:52Er, the pain's stopped.
18:55Oh.
18:57Well, that's a relief.
18:58Er, for you, for you, I mean.
19:00And these characters.
19:01You've certainly had them worried, all right?
19:03This is your driver speaking.
19:08I'm sorry about this rather long hold-up.
19:11I hope we'll be on the move shortly.
19:13Just listen to that.
19:14God knows how long we're going to be down here.
19:17It's a good job we're not in a hurry.
19:18I am in a hurry.
19:19I am in a hurry.
19:20That's right.
19:21Time and tide waits for no banker.
19:23It's no good.
19:24I'm going to get out and walk.
19:26Don't be old boy.
19:27I'm not leaving a clear field to Henderson.
19:29He's a cutthroat operator.
19:31No, no.
19:32I'm not going to sit here and fritter away valuable time.
19:35You'd rather step outside and get frittered?
19:37Well, after all, I can make my way down the side.
19:40It's pitch black out there.
19:42How many volts in the live rail?
19:4590,000.
19:48The shock would stop his heart.
19:51If that didn't do it, well, the birds would.
19:54Still save on the cremation, eh?
19:56Oh, yeah, yeah.
19:58Well, yes, well, maybe it's a bit dark out there.
20:03Besides, you'd kill yourself.
20:04You'd be playing into Henderson's oily hands.
20:08Yes, I hadn't thought of that.
20:10I mean, do you know what he told Morrissey last week?
20:13That my ideas were unworkable.
20:15Ha!
20:16They're bloody boring.
20:18I heard that, you young moron.
20:19Oh, please!
20:21Yes, please.
20:22Whatever happened to that good old British cheerfulness?
20:25That indomitable wartime spirit?
20:28I mean, we should be bickering.
20:30We should be singing Lily Marlene and tucking into tins of Spam.
20:35All those bombs.
20:37I know.
20:40Let's imagine it's 1940 and we're caught in the Blitz.
20:44Everyone was much friendlier then.
20:47With the obvious exception of the Germans.
20:49What do you know about it, anyway?
20:50I mean, you weren't around during the war.
20:51Oh, I know, but I saw the film.
20:54The Nazis confiscated Kenneth Moore's leg for busting their dams with a vaulting horse.
20:59An hour we've been down here.
21:00That's 60 minutes.
21:01I've simply got to make that meeting.
21:02I mean, it's absolutely vital.
21:03This is your drive, Elizabeth.
21:04I'm very sorry about this extremely long delay.
21:06I've really no idea what's going on.
21:07Isn't that terrific?
21:08We've been down here forever for all he cares.
21:09Does he have to shout like that?
21:10Henderson will have his feet under my desk by now.
21:11I knew a bloke called Henderson once.
21:12Don't tell us he fell down a mine, Charles.
21:13No.
21:14Got struck by lightning.
21:15No.
21:16Look at that.
21:17Not to be, I'm very sorry about this extremely long delay.
21:21I've really no idea what's going on.
21:23Isn't that terrific?
21:24We've been down here forever for all he cares.
21:28Does he have to shout like that?
21:31Henderson will have his feet under my desk by now.
21:34I knew a bloke called Henderson once.
21:37Don't tell us he fell down a mine, Charles.
21:40No.
21:41Got struck by lightning.
21:42No. Fell off a cliff? No. He moved to Baisingstown.
21:51I knew he was after my blood from the day he arrived, you see.
21:54He came straight out of college. He's a graduate.
21:57Graduates. They should be castrated when they collect their degrees.
22:01Yes, they're all Johnny-come-latelys.
22:04I mean, I've been with the bank for 25 years, but does that count for anything?
22:07Oh, no, not to the Hendersons of this world.
22:09Shut up about Henderson, will you?
22:11And now I've given him a golden opportunity.
22:14I mean, I've missed that meeting.
22:16I've handed him a knife and I've said,
22:18Here, stand me in the back.
22:20Oh, what a day. Oh, can't get me worse.
22:23Can't possibly get me worse.
22:25Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no, not here!
22:31Wanna bet.
22:41Good job the train started moving when it did.
22:56Could have been a very nasty medical emergency.
22:59Ready London transport.
23:00LAUGHTER
23:09I see that businessman breaking down like that.
23:14I see that business man breaking down like that.
23:19He threw a real wobbly, didn't he?
23:21Shatter and screaming like that.
23:27Are you OK now?
23:29Oh, yes. I think it was probably cramp.
23:31I'm sorry if I scared you.
23:32Good Lord, no.
23:34Panic-stricken magnolia is my natural complexion.
23:37Cheerio. I hope you make that job interview.
23:42You going my way?
23:43Yeah, I thought I'd go and stare forlornly out of the job centre window.
23:48And see if someone takes pity, you know, a bit like a puppy in a pet shop.
23:52I know where there's a job going.
23:53Yeah, where's that?
23:54No point in applying, though.
23:56Why not?
23:56Well, Henderson's bound again.
23:59LAUGHTER
23:59APPLAUSE