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TVTranscript
00:00Piano music
00:30it's no use I can't concentrate I keep thinking about Marilyn Monroe or bits of
00:45her anyway this is my wife's fault ever since Fran gave me the conjugal hevo
00:52I've been in self-inflicted sexual quarantine god help her if she ever does
00:59take me back I'll have probably rusted solid in the nookie department I've
01:07almost forgotten what a hormone feels like it's no use I shall have to take up
01:14women again after all if God had intended me to be totally celibate I'd have been
01:19born as Cliff Richard I mean it's not as if Bob Scott when he bought it last
01:30Thursday honestly they last about as long as Crystal Palace managers and I got no
01:36spares I don't nip round to Patel supermarket in case Patel turns
01:41unreasonable and demands the 25 quid I owe him must be somewhere I can get one
01:48Desmond my god Desmond you must stop taking those tablets hi I'm Ann Marie who are you
02:04Marilyn Monroe what Shelley James Shelley you just said you were Marilyn Monroe that's in a former
02:13life that's why I look so shagged out in this one all those late nights yes staring yes I know I'm
02:24sorry it's the shock you see I've been met by beauty when I was expecting the beast what are
02:29you doing trapped behind Desmond's pit oh well you see Desmond's me uncle oh I am sorry how did
02:36it happen he's my father's brother twin brother actually they're born within 20 minutes of each
02:41other Desmond born a now that comes as a bit of a shock you see I always imagined he'd been assembled
02:48in a laboratory somewhere you know sort of thrown together from the scrag ends a transplant unit where is
02:56he he burbles something about his responsibilities as executive sanitation consultant means he's putting
03:03out the bins so you're staying with him then I'm down here staying with a friend got an interview one
03:09of the big agencies I'm in advertising really it's great fun it's a very creative sort of industry which
03:17makes an enormous contribution to the economy when you think about it why is everyone in advertising got
03:21this enormous guilt complex I haven't got a guilt complex guilt is a totally negative emotion anyway
03:28people only knock advertising because they know nothing about it not true I knock it and I was in
03:32it for six months I was brilliant at it I told the best lies in the business if I'd have been
03:38Pinocchio I'd have ended up with a nose like Barry Manilow honestly I don't know why we bother paying our rates
03:47have you seen the heap of rubbish bags accumulating outside this building all bulging like Tessie O'Shea
03:52you've got more chance of seeing a unicorn and a bloody dustbin in this part of the world
03:56get tense uncle tension's a totally negative emotion relax relax right yes well I see you two have met
04:07Mr Shelley this is my niece Anne-Marie Anne-Marie this is a lazy git
04:13he talks rubbish I'm also fluent in gibberish and early clap trap you certainly like talking well it
04:22saves me from thinking you see what do you want a light bulb this is my last bulb and I can't help
04:35thinking this reminds me of someone yeah doesn't matter may I suggest that you keep a reserve supply
04:43of bulbs in future you should be prepared like the scouts ah you see I was in a scouts once but only for
04:49two weeks I was caught training for my gynecologist badge with Susan Potter behind the scout hut typical I
04:57was dishonorably discharged the scout master broke my woggle across his knee see what I mean undiluted drivel oh
05:05I like a good bit of drivel not there's plenty more where that came from you wouldn't like to have
05:09dinner with me tonight would you no she would not she's come to see me not to be wined and dined by
05:14some confirmed slob with verbal diarrhea she has come to spend a quiet evening with her uncle who she
05:22hasn't seen for two years isn't that right Anne-Marie
05:25tonight tonight won't be just a night
05:44smooth as a baby's bottom well a baby war togs bottom poor old Desmond he did look upset it's ages
06:01since I first took a girl out for the first time I'm quite excited the thrill of the chase the skillful
06:09maneuvering to get within kissing distance and most fascinating of all the dark and eternal mystery
06:17of an unfamiliar bra strap it's like being a virgin all over again ah those were the days waking up in
06:30a cold sweat every morning wondering if today was the day Susan Potter would put me out of my misery
06:37of course she never did she said she would but only on condition I got a scooter oh why is it haven't
06:51got a single pair I've got dozens of missing socks must have formed an escape committee
06:58you know that light bulb I gave you yeah want it back oh don't be ridiculous oh I'm sorry but the
07:15one in the halls gone blacker than satchmo out there it is very dangerous you know what the old
07:19admiral's eyes are like I caught him in the lift yesterday complaining he couldn't get an outside line
07:24look I slobber over pictures of Marilyn Monroe by that lamp well I'm sorry but the admiral outranks
07:33you in fact everyone outranks you well aren't you gonna say it say what the old heavy uncle routine
07:40you know if you so much as lay a finger on my niece I will have your gonads for doorstops etc
07:46don't be absurd she's a grown girl after all she chose your company god knows why anyway I reckon
07:56you'll need to watch yourself if she's anything like her mother how do you mean well Anne-Marie's
08:03mother my sister-in-law was a well very spirited to say the least as a young girl
08:09gave my brother a very worrying time during the war while he was away
08:16you mean she was unfaithful correct fact she had more GIs than I is now
08:24that is a cheap sexist jive now don't you start I just had an earbending from Anne-Marie about my
08:36negative attitudes quite an assertive sort of girl she's grown into a bit too much of an
08:42fool for somebody like you a what's that supposed to me well she's got lots of go in her and let's
08:48face it you are a fair bit older than her all I'm saying is you might feel the pace of it oh well not
08:55to worry I can always take along a younger man and a set of jump leads all right touchy well I better
09:06be getting back to the vestibule there's reports of skinheads in the area uh Desmond I don't suppose
09:12that um by any chance that you could possibly how much 15 quid 15 all right 10 seeing it's you
09:21you already owe me 18 pound he got off lightly oh Patel supermarket 25 pounds 16 and a half P
09:27dear your West London's equivalent to Mexico aren't you we dare not let you go to the wall we've all
09:34got too big a stake in you so don't spend all my money at once sort of the earth old Desmond ah yes I
09:49can see it now table for two violins flickering candles fine wine oysters crepe Suzette all for a
10:02tenner where am I gonna find a chinky that does crepe Suzette
10:19China tea please it's washing up water really but we Westerners are so ignorant about China they
10:38can give us what they like and pretend it's ethnic so so well I've told you about me what about you
10:47Uncle Desmond did tell me a bit about you of course really yes he said you were a parasite a
10:54professional unemployment statistic a middle-aged worker phobic whose wife had quite sensibly given
11:00him the elbow temporarily given me the elbow and I'm not middle-aged I am in my early mid-thirties god you must have raved it up a bit then beg your pardon
11:12well I mean you've got that sort of lived in look crumpled I mean it's quite sexy really
11:21get away do you exercise oh yes every morning bright and early I go for a nice long wobble to
11:32the bathroom and back you should try aerobics it's given me a very positive attitude helps you to say
11:38yes to life well we don't get much choice do we I mean birth isn't a voluntary activity is it mother
11:45nature doesn't ask you if you'd like to stay put out you go and before you can say Desmond's your
11:51uncle a big thug in a white coat thumps you on the back and that sets the tone for the rest of your life
11:56do you know what I mean I mean so many people drift through their lives like reluctant conscripts
12:01grudging zombies I mean take uncle Desmond I wish you would his whole demeanor is so negative but
12:10then most English people are negative well of course we're negative we have to live in England now
12:14exactly you see wouldn't catch an American talking about his country like that they're always so
12:19positive I like Americans like mother like daughter sorry
12:23nothing oh America's great fun I had three weeks in California last summer Los Angeles San Francisco oh
12:36it's amazing if you get the chance go now I don't fancy Los Angeles that's where they got all those
12:42dangerous sexual diseases you go to bed with someone in LA you might just as well as stepped in front of a
12:47bus well I stepped in front of a few buses out there and I'm still here to tell the tale
12:53you're not shocked are you no not at all good it's just that I believe in being totally open I feel
13:02that's a very positive way to relate to people absolutely I am all for frankness good in that case why can't
13:08you get a job simple because there's an economic blizzard and I'm one of the three million Captain Oatsies
13:17no what's the real reason it must be something to do with you as a person something to do with all that
13:22bitterness inside you bitterness is a very negative emotion I mean look I don't want to preach but nobody
13:29can live your life for you you've got to get out there and go for it which way do you vote Thatcher
13:37Thatcher you're kidding I vote for her because whether men like it or not she's liberated women from all those
13:44antiquated notions about what we can and can't do where do you get hold of this idea that a female leader is
13:50automatically a good thing for women I mean Bodicea didn't go around demanding creches or putting women into the best
13:59pillaging jobs did she and as I recall Queen Victoria said lie back and think of England not go forth and
14:09explore the female orgasm ye gods if you're going for Thatcher now who are you going to be voting for
14:16in your 40s Martin Borman whatever happened to youthful idealism you should be out there campaigning with
14:23the peace women taking on the superpowers trying to stop them turning Europe into one big outdoor barbecue
14:30all those chunky lesbians in duffel coats they give feminism a bad name you're a sexist don't be silly
14:39I'm a woman what I'm against is anything that gives women's equality a negative image I'm for equality and
14:47independence and it's such a positive force that nowadays a woman doesn't have to be economically
14:52dependent on a man I mean I don't think anybody should be economically dependent on anyone else do
14:57you well yes in principle I agree but term what you don't suppose you could pick up this bill do
15:05it's not that I mind paying the whole bill it's just that I know uncle Desmond did give you ten
15:24pounds where did that go I bought a jar of coffee ten pounds now you see while I was buying the coffee in the
15:32delicatessen I was spotted by mr. Patel from the supermarket and he demanded somewhat aggressively
15:37that I put some money towards my account with it yeah so basically Desmond's tenner went towards
15:43a short-term lease on my front teeth anyway thanks for the meal welcome to my lair it's a little untidy I'm
15:51afraid thank God for that I thought you'd been burgled black or white hey coffee oh I see what's so funny it's
16:06just that when you said come up for a cup of coffee I wasn't actually expecting you to offer me coffee but
16:11yeah thanks black which way is the bathroom in the northeast wing right if you want the flush to
16:19work you'll have to catch it by surprise to pounce or not to pounce that is the question a tricky dilemma
16:36as I say I have to weigh the absence of a meaningful relationship against a possible leg over situation
16:45I wonder what a thatcherites like in bed all non-intervention and self-sufficiency I suppose oh
16:54oh it's no use I'm not a teenager anymore I've left one night stands behind me hips that pass in the
17:07night it's all so shallow nope I've made up my mind I'm not interested in a purely physical
17:16relationship I want something more fulfilling something deeper on the other end she is incredibly
17:26tasty and I am feeling very Randy my heart says no but my loins say yes
17:46I wonder if Warren Beatty ever bothers with atmospheric lighting
18:08do you think uncle Desmond heard us come in of course he's got the hearing of a fruit bat and the
18:26curiosity of a baboon
18:27do you know what I've been asking myself no I've been asking myself is he going to pounce
18:46what are you going to pounce
18:53well are you well I'm not sure really I hope you make your mind up soon it's just I can't stand
19:03all that faffing around you know all that surreptitious nudging closer on the settee the
19:08apparently accidental brushing of the knees then comes the lunge I don't lunge all men lunge some men
19:17even take a run-up it's an absurd ritual isn't it I mean basically it all boils down to one thing
19:23which is do you fancy me or not well do you well yes I do fancy you oh good that's settled then
19:30well yes I fancy you physically oh I see you go for the body but not the brain
19:37fair enough I can cope with that well yes but but what well how can I put this you're not still
19:46worried about them lurgy's from California are you it's not that it's just a little back trouble
19:51no it's you're impotent certainly not well what is it then I'm trying to tell you it's just that
20:02ever since my wife gave you the elbow will you let me finish I'm just trying to explain that it's been a
20:09long time since oh that's all right it's like riding a bike it is not like riding a bike at all
20:18there is no emotional aspect to riding a bike oh I get it hang-ups negative emotions oh well in that
20:27case let's knock it on the head then it's an obvious non-starter well let's not be too hasty I
20:32mean it's quite possible I could get in the mood it's just that I was hoping you'd be more gentle with
20:43me I'm a bit low on confidence that's all could at least have let me limber up on the sidelines a
20:51bit I expect if I'd have had a bit of a warm-up it's no point you're nervous I can tell men always
20:59have trouble when they're nervous you end up having a night that is about as memorable as an
21:03Italian Prime Minister no we made a mistake you saw me as a racy young piece who could recharge your
21:10sexual batteries well I wouldn't have put it quite like that yeah and I saw you as a sexy mature type
21:17when really you're a good old-fashioned would-be hubby with a conformist streak nine miles wide I
21:23wouldn't put it quite like that well I suppose I better make tracks to my friend's place uh you
21:32could um say for a chat no I mean I don't think that would be wise I mean we couldn't really have
21:38much of a chat could we not before sex read its ugly bum again so let's let's call it a day no hard
21:44feelings I never have hard feelings negative emotions oh bye Shelley I hope your wife does take you back
21:52soon you're not safe out on your own thanks Anna Marie for what arresting the gangrene of my libido
22:01can I give you a word of advice what's that next time you see the goalposts don't think about it go for
22:13gold
22:21oh well I think I'll just curl up with a good book and a nice hot cup of bromide
22:27do you know what time it is you nick that light bulb out they all yeah I knew it would be you
22:36death trap out there pure luck I happen to be passing you little fibber you just wanted to see if I was
22:42playing hide the sausage with Anna Marie I was merely making my nightly tour of inspection well if you
22:53must know Anna Marie and I have just done it 23 times and she's just nipped out to fetch some bigger
22:58whips I know she's gone I just bumped into her literally at the top of the stairs oh I knew she'd be
23:08too much for you she's got such oomph hasn't she whereas you you're a bit short on umph aren't you
23:14you're oomphless Desmond I know you're only running that brain in for Arthur Mullard but I wish you would
23:23leave me in peace I'm tired well I will just put this bow back somebody could have had a nasty accident
23:29funny you should say that I sounded like the Admiral's voice oh god I'm gonna panic look
23:41Desmond calm down there's absolutely no point in panicking well you mean he'd probably be okay
23:46no he's very possibly broken his neck well then why mustn't I panic because panic is a very negative emotion
23:53laughter
23:57applause
24:02applause
24:08applause
24:12applause
24:16applause