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00:00My
00:01My
00:03My
00:04My
00:09My
00:12My
00:19My
00:24My
00:29Oh!
00:42What is it?
00:47I can't get up.
00:53Yes, I knew that when I married you.
00:54We decided it was terminal lassitude.
01:00No, I mean I can't get up. It's my back.
01:03You sure you can't?
01:04Unless I've forgotten some key aspect to getting up.
01:08Left out some key part of the manoeuvre.
01:10No, be serious. What is it?
01:15It's a stiff neck.
01:18I don't keep my neck there.
01:20That's the section I reserve at the top of my spinal column.
01:25One of Darwin's suggestions.
01:28Does it hurt to touch?
01:29I don't know. I haven't touched it yet.
01:32I haven't done the blood tests either.
01:39Well?
01:41No, not really.
01:43Oh, just when I move.
01:45It's lucky that total inactivity is your natural state.
01:49Well, what did you do to it?
01:50I didn't do anything to it.
01:52I've been tampered with overnight.
01:55I was a perfect physical specimen when I went to sleep.
01:59What does it feel like?
02:00Like a lorry's run over me.
02:03But I've eliminated that as a possibility.
02:05There's no sign of tyre marks on the duvet.
02:07What sort of lorry? Diesel?
02:11Eh?
02:13Well, you're not being very helpful.
02:15If you are damaged beyond repair,
02:17Emma and I will need to get our names down early for a replacement.
02:21I'm in a state of shock.
02:23Post whatever it is shock.
02:25You'll feel better when you get up.
02:27I never feel better when I get up.
02:30At least when Rip Van Winkle woke up and found he was a geriatric.
02:33He had been asleep for a hundred years.
02:36I've just had a quick kip.
02:38I mean, you accept you'll probably wake up with marginally longer toenails
02:42and an interest in the toilet.
02:44It's just the tragic nature of the human condition.
02:48Come on, I'll help you up.
02:55Oh, perhaps we could sue the Metras people.
02:59After all, you shouldn't go to bed normal and wake up as Quasimodo.
03:03There's probably a British safety standards regulation about it.
03:07Well, at least now you know how I felt being pregnant.
03:10You don't mean I'm about to give birth.
03:16It's probably what?
03:18Probably rheumatism.
03:20Don't be silly.
03:22You've got to have a pension book before you can get rheumatism.
03:26Rheumatism's the body's way of training you for rigor mortis.
03:30At my age, I'm more likely to have nappy rash.
03:37Shelley, you're getting older.
03:39And as you get older, apart from becoming irrational and cantankerous
03:43and short of one or two marbles, bits of you are likely to clap out.
03:48And probably fall off.
03:50Like exhaust pipes.
03:53Dan, I am just 30.
03:55Barely a decade away from my teens.
03:58It's the favourite age of Greek gods.
04:02I've probably got a virus anyone could get, regardless of age or health or sex.
04:06Oh, that's nice.
04:07A completely egalitarian virus.
04:10Listen, at your age...
04:12At my age, people are setting Olympic running records.
04:14They're scoring goals for England.
04:17Well, occasionally.
04:19Climbing the Himalayas.
04:20They're swimming the Channel three times.
04:22But you're not, though, are you?
04:23Well, I'm fit.
04:25Completely fit.
04:26Fit?
04:27You couldn't post a heavy letter, Shelley.
04:29I mean, when did you last go for so much as a walk?
04:33We haven't got a dog.
04:36Of course, I take exercise.
04:38I regularly go down to the Labour Exchange.
04:40And back.
04:42That makes for a brisk bus ride.
04:44I've always been fit.
04:46Fitness isn't hereditary.
04:48You have to do things to get it.
04:50You know, move muscles about.
04:52Well, I may not be in constant demand for the nude centrefold of Playgirl,
04:56but at least I can see every part of my body on a clear day.
05:01And I don't have glasses or a hearing aid or false teeth.
05:04Or a wooden leg or an iron lung.
05:06Big deal.
05:07You've never bothered to keep in shape.
05:09Even real life slopes make a point of hanging upside down to stretch their little legs.
05:14You didn't know me when my physical prowess was the talk of tootie, did you?
05:21No.
05:23Sort of butch Olga Corbett I was.
05:25You're going to seed, Shelley.
05:30You look like an overripe avocado with legs.
05:35In a couple of years' time, you'll be having to take medical advice before you can play clock golf.
05:39Come on.
05:42What are you going to do about your back?
05:44I had thought of hoping it would go away.
05:47Probably will, about the same time as the burial service.
05:50Well, what do you suggest I do?
05:52Well, I had heard the NHS is toying with some new idea called doctors.
05:57Oh, no.
05:58I'm not going to a doctor.
05:59You know what I think about doctors.
06:01Him heap bad medicine man.
06:04They're nothing but glorified dispensing machines.
06:07Is this the, uh, doctors are all just pimps for drug companies speech?
06:11Something like that.
06:12Forcing back the medical frontiers of profitability?
06:15You've left out pioneering new illnesses to meet the needs of the latest pills.
06:19No, I was just coming to that.
06:21God, it shows how long we've been together.
06:23We're getting round to repeat broadcast now.
06:25Soon I'll just sit here and say things like capitalist exploitation of the third world
06:30and you'll just say, May 1976, and we won't need to speak for half an hour.
06:37Like a speech equivalent of convenience foods.
06:40Sort of conversation in a bag.
06:42So, as the years go by, we could have subjects indexed given a number.
06:46And in the end, we just sit here and I would say,
06:48One, two, six.
06:49And you'd say, 47.
06:52Be like an evening of very intellectual bingo.
06:55Shelley, if it's not the doctors, what's it going to be?
06:59Are you going to see a faith healer?
07:00Or have the back off?
07:03I'll go down the library.
07:06I wasn't aware they had a surgery.
07:08Oh, yes.
07:09Because of National Health cutbacks.
07:11Medical reference section.
07:13Besides, the walk will do me good.
07:16It's nearly 100 yards.
07:19And there's bound to be at least one book on backache.
07:24And I can come home and do the operation before lunch, all right?
07:29And don't worry.
07:31You'll never run out of conversation, Shelley.
07:33You've got at least five different viewpoints on every subject.
07:36So the library recommended weightlifting as a cure, didn't it?
07:49I couldn't have a cup of tea, could I?
07:54I've just put the kettle on.
07:55Mrs. H is on her way round.
07:59Oh.
08:00Well?
08:01I think I've narrowed it down.
08:03It's either muscular strain or slipped disc or metabolic bone disease.
08:09Then there's coccidinia, spondylosis, kyphosis, arthritis or curvature of the spine.
08:14Or rheumatism.
08:15Or rheumatism.
08:17There were one or two other things it could be, but I didn't have enough tickets.
08:20The medical section was never-ending.
08:25Well, to look at the people in the reading room, it's because half the borough go there to die.
08:30The process of ageing?
08:33Living to be 100?
08:34You really have been comprehensive, haven't you?
08:38I had to tell the lady on the desk, I was from hypochondriacs anonymous.
08:43You go.
08:44I'm trying to live to be 100.
08:50Perhaps if I went through my ailments alphabetically.
08:55Hello, Mrs. H.
08:56Hello, dear.
08:58How's little Emma?
08:59In the land of Nod.
09:00On a day trip, I hope.
09:03Hello, Shelley.
09:04Hello, Mrs. H.
09:05Oh, my goodness, what a lot of books.
09:07Shelley's ill, Mrs. H.
09:09I'm not surprised.
09:11Reading all those books is enough to give anyone a headache.
09:15Backache, actually, Mrs. H.
09:18Backache?
09:18At your age?
09:23How'd you come to get backache, then?
09:24This is one of the mysteries of the universe I am at present engaged upon fathoming.
09:29Well, I mean, you have to get out of bed to get backache, don't you?
09:35Very true.
09:36That's right.
09:37Mock the afflicted.
09:39My Willie did his backing.
09:43Did he?
09:44Yeah.
09:45Silly sod.
09:49Well, how did he do?
09:50Oh, God alone knows.
09:52Anyone who'd think he was dying the way he's always moaning on about it.
09:55When did this happen?
09:56Oh, about 12 years ago now.
09:5912 years?
10:01Mind you, one good thing.
10:03It does take his interest off.
10:04For 12 years?
10:12Oh, what do your doctor have to say, then?
10:14Oh, Shelley doesn't believe in doctors, Mrs. H.
10:17Doesn't believe...
10:18Oh, yeah.
10:19What do you use, then?
10:21Chicken entrails?
10:23I just think doctors are overrated.
10:26By themselves, usually.
10:27Well, I think that's a terrible thing to say.
10:31There'd be a lot more dead people walking around if it wasn't for doctors.
10:38But it doesn't make them perfect.
10:41No, I'm simply saying that medical science is only half the answer.
10:44In fact, most of the time, it's half the problem.
10:47Well, go on, then.
10:49I'm enjoying this.
10:50I'm learning things.
10:52Well, for instance, a lot of illness is psychosomatic.
10:56Psycho-what?
10:58Somatic means the problem's caused in the mind.
11:01It's psychological.
11:02There's nothing physically wrong with you.
11:04Oh.
11:04So, if I cut myself with a bread knife,
11:07all that blood will just be a figment of my imagination.
11:12That one doesn't count, Mrs. H.
11:14Look, it often happens with ulcers and asthma and skin...
11:16Look, take the irritable bowel syndrome.
11:20The what?
11:21The irritable bowel syndrome.
11:23I was reading about it on the bus.
11:24The what?
11:26Well, it is a good hundred yards.
11:28Now, a lot of women about frangles suffer from diarrhoea one minute and constipation the next.
11:35But it's nothing they've eaten.
11:37It's all to do with their state of mind.
11:38So, they're not in and out of the toilet like a yo-yo?
11:42Well, yes, they are.
11:44Oh, but you said there was nothing physically wrong.
11:46You said.
11:47There's physical symptoms.
11:48Well, then they need prunes.
11:49You see, the mind is working through the nervous system to affect the body.
11:58Psycho mind, soma body.
12:01There is a strong connection between your brain and your bowel.
12:10Well, there is with yours.
12:12Mrs. H.
12:13Well.
12:14Put it another way.
12:16Take India.
12:17Now, you've seen those Indian fake ears on the telly.
12:20Lying about on beds and nails, waiting for David Attenborough to come by.
12:23If anybody's going to have backache, they are.
12:27But it doesn't hurt them.
12:29Oh, well, they're foreigners.
12:32No, that's mind over matter for you.
12:34It's not the same thing.
12:35No, just by concentrating, they can stop feeling the pain.
12:39All those little messengers from the body rushing off to the brain with notes saying,
12:42God, it's hell down here.
12:44They keep coming back, saying nobody wants to know.
12:47Well, go on, then.
12:49Eh?
12:50Concentrate.
12:51Make the pain go away.
12:53Yes, well, they're foreigners.
12:56They're tied up with their religion and years of training.
13:00Go on, Shelley, show us.
13:01Yeah, have a go.
13:02You've got a big brain.
13:16Well?
13:17How is it?
13:20Hmm.
13:21Better.
13:23Definitely better.
13:25Oh, that is good.
13:26Yes.
13:30Tea, anyone?
13:31Oh, tar.
13:32Yes, please.
13:33Right.
13:34Oh!
13:34No, nothing.
13:35No.
13:44No.
13:44Oh, no.
13:48No.
13:50Oh, no.
13:51No.
14:21Good evening, Doctor.
14:49Yes, I've got some backache.
14:57I expect it's nothing, but I was wondering, you know...
14:59Yes, well, I suggest you take a few days off work,
15:02and if it isn't better, after a week or two, I'll give you some pills.
15:06Good night.
15:06Is that it?
15:19I mean, if I promise to chuck in something exciting, like a heart transplant,
15:24do you think I might tempt you into an examination?
15:26There's not really much point, is there?
15:28You've got to expect backache at your age. You're well past your prime.
15:34Statistically speaking, it would be surprising if you didn't have backache.
15:37Oh, I wouldn't want to upset the odds at Ladbrokes.
15:40You don't fancy having a wild stab in the dark, then, of why I've got it, do you?
15:44I could be almost anything.
15:46Muscular strain, slipped disc, metabolic bone disease,
15:49coxedonia, spondylosis, kyphosis, arthritis, or curvature of the spine.
15:53Or rheumatism.
15:54Or rheumatism.
15:54What library do you go to?
16:01I'm sorry.
16:02Nothing.
16:03Then again, it might just be a virus.
16:05Probably go away in time.
16:07Yes, it couldn't be persuaded to leave before it was ready, could it?
16:11If I say the miracles of modern science, for example?
16:13Oh, who knows?
16:15Backs are funny things.
16:17As I say, best bet is to have a few days in bed and generally take it easy.
16:23Slight problem.
16:24You've just described in remarkable clairvoyant detail
16:27my lifestyle for the last four years.
16:31Culminating in the aforementioned backache.
16:33Ah.
16:35Pills?
16:36What colour?
16:37Because I'm very particular about the colour of pills.
16:39I don't want anything that's going to clash in my bathroom cabinet.
16:43You're not keen on pills.
16:45I tend to be allergic to drug companies in general.
16:48Yes, well, thank you for your time and the handy household hints.
16:52How about a prescription for something?
16:54Yes, it's a massage in sticky, honey-scented oils by sensuous, naked ladies.
17:00No thanks.
17:01You're not a private patient, are you?
17:03No, I'm afraid not.
17:05Good night.
17:14What's your, Emma?
17:16Everything's satisfactory, is it?
17:17No complaints about the service?
17:19Good.
17:21Glad you're in.
17:22There's a wonder word.
17:23You're several weeks old now and you'll soon be past your prime.
17:28Now, they may not have told you this down at the postnatal clinic, but the onset of prepubescent
17:34and senility is a very difficult time for a baby.
17:37You've got to try and keep active.
17:39Have a regular workout with that rattle.
17:42Don't get pram-bound.
17:44Unless by the time you're two, you'll have dreadful varicose veins.
17:47And if you can't get your daily romp, it'll play havoc with your heart.
17:50I know it's not easy being an elderly baby.
17:53Just try and age with dignity.
17:56Remember, going da-da's one thing, going ga-ga's a nut.
18:02Hello, Shelley.
18:04First sign of madness.
18:05First sign of senility, more like.
18:08How was the doctor?
18:09He was fine.
18:10Fine.
18:10I didn't take his blood pressure.
18:16He said I'd got backache.
18:19And?
18:20Oh, for an in-depth analysis, I'd obviously have to go private.
18:24What?
18:25Apparently, backache is so common that people without it are sent to hospital and classified
18:28as abnormal.
18:32OK, if I lie down.
18:33That bad?
18:35Nah, just practising for life after the bailiffs.
18:38I hope the bailiffs can confiscate babies for non-payment of rates.
18:41I've just spent three hours on bum patrol.
18:44I'm exhausted.
18:47You're right.
18:49I am getting older.
18:51My tempus have definitely been fugating.
18:54Did you know you begin to age at seven?
18:58That's when the fat first starts hanging around on artery corners.
19:02I'm just warning Emma.
19:03Yes, I heard.
19:05Yes, I heard.
19:06But why me?
19:08Here I am.
19:09A clean-living, non-smoking, 32-inch-waste, non-car-owning, animal-loving ratepayer.
19:15I cross the road to avoid excess cholesterol.
19:18I only drink really healthy beer.
19:20And I only sleep with undiseased women.
19:23In short, I am of the stuff that life insurance companies dream about.
19:28And yet any minute now, my blood corpuscles will be demanding a transfer.
19:33People have lived beyond 30 with backache.
19:37With all sorts of things.
19:38I had an aunt once with a mole.
19:40Well, has she lived to 34?
19:42Oh, I suppose I've had a good aunt.
19:48After all, when Keats was my age, he'd been dead four years.
19:52I'll admit my poetry's not sold as well, but I may have established some small local record
19:57in the claiming of Dole.
19:58Sick transit gloria.
20:02You didn't know me when my sporting prowess was the talk of tootie, did you?
20:06Your Olga Corbett period.
20:08Yes, you told me.
20:09Boy wonder I was.
20:11Local paper used to run feature articles on my biceps.
20:15So healthy, I used to give vitamin transfusions to the other competitors.
20:19I won so many trophies, my parents had to have a mantelpiece in every room.
20:24Yes, I was the medium-sized white hope of South London, I was.
20:30And now, just a decaying load of old flesh.
20:39I wonder what death will be like.
20:46I always thought I'd go peacefully in my sleep during a nuclear holocaust like everybody else.
20:50Pretty ignominious, shuffling off a mortal coil with backache.
20:56Rheumatism lacks machismo, somehow.
20:59I never thought of arthritis as the fifth horseman of the apocalypse, either.
21:12It's funny.
21:13I always thought three score and ten would be a pushover.
21:17Little old ladies make it all the time.
21:19And yet, here I am, virility personified, lucky to make one score and ten.
21:26I wonder if there's a complaints department in heaven where you can report being short-changed on your allotted span.
21:33It's an average.
21:34Must have been a hell of a calculation for God to work out, because long division's some in the world.
21:39I wonder if 70's the average, including or excluding Armageddon.
21:46I have no idea.
21:48I suppose even God could hardly have anticipated Mr. Regan finishing off the world ahead of schedule.
21:57Still, at least, if I die now, I'll get in before the rush.
22:02Sorry, love.
22:08Do you want to go and lie on the real McCoy?
22:10Oh, please.
22:11Well, just help an old man to his feet, then, will you?
22:16Oh.
22:17Well, if you do come back from the dead, you must take some exercise.
22:25I was reading.
22:27Elephants and rhinoceroses are the only other mammals who make it past 50.
22:33Oh, and sea anemones.
22:34Sea anemones are the only creatures that never age at all.
22:38They probably do press-ups.
22:48About this exercise.
22:52Mm-hm.
22:53Apparently, the key to eternal youth, according to the ancient Chinese and the Indians, is constant sexual activity.
23:05Ooh.
23:08Chinese and Indians.
23:13Can't all be wrong.
23:16And, uh, statistically, that's why Catholic clergymen die younger than Protestant ones.
23:25No sex.
23:27Mm.
23:29And it says in another of my books that...
23:33that five miles of sex is equivalent to a good walk.
23:38or something like that.
23:54Is it any wonder I'm unfit?
23:57But...
23:57So, we look at all.