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00:30ah Mr Shelley hello how was the um where was it we sent you for your last job ah the British
00:51Physics Research Institute you didn't enjoy it I'm only slightly more boring than death and
00:58probably less well paid when you sent me to the British Physics Research Institute I believe
01:03you neglected to mention that it was to lay a new sewage pipe in the basement but Mr Shelley jobs are
01:11not easy to find ah have you been laying a lot of new sewage pipes recently me hmm it's just that on
01:19the way here I couldn't help noticing your posters on the tube easy job we won't send you anywhere we
01:24wouldn't work ourselves I mean at the glue factory I kept asking the other guys on the production line
01:31whether they happen to be the managing director of easy job as he was obviously there trying it out
01:35before he sent me in the end I concluded that whoever wrote your ad is full of what I have
01:42been working in for the last two days quite mr. Shelley for only seven pounds a week more than I
01:50get if I was on the dole well I'll see what we have for you today tycoon entrepreneur international jet
01:59setter would do anything to stretch the vital intelligence and eager faculties of an active
02:05and inquiring mind I suppose that doesn't include office cleaning but mr. Shelley you have no
02:12qualifications no qualifications I collect qualifications like other people collect green
02:17shield stamps every time I move I need a pan-technic and just to shift the certificates yes but typing
02:25shorthand as you well know I have a degree in geography well what sort of job were you thinking of
02:31discovering the Northwest Passage now this one's not too bad a trainee kitchen operative it pays
02:41four thousand two hundred pounds a year and they need someone for three days yes but would you do it
02:51mrs. Nash I would mr. Shelley but I can't why not because you will be doing it won't you mr. Shelley
02:58oh hello hi you the new chip fryer no I am a trainee kitchen operative the last chip fryer was one
03:12of them come from easy job do you yes you don't have to be the managing director do you sorry never
03:18mind James Shelley Patsy and that's Dave the chef last night he's never gonna drink again I don't think I
03:30am either a piece of portable do-it-yourself aversion therapy that is turn a hardened alcoholic tea total one
03:38of those were a week here and you'll look like that they ought to cart him round the pubs opening time as a
03:42lesson to others well if you see the dragon give him a shout the dragon the manager s mrs. George ah yes
03:50you've seen her upstairs hmm I'm not one to judge from first impressions but I would say that if the
03:56freezer packs in you just get her down here to look at the food did right she did say you'd tell me what
04:03to do fry chips is that it well you can fry other things if you like but you won't get paid for it on
04:14the good days you get to slice buns and open packets of cheese oh and you'll need a uniform you mean one
04:23of those inverted paper cups on my head I'm not putting on one of those I may be poor desolate and
04:30deserted but I still have my pride I mean it's like one of those bags you get on planes to be sick
04:35into you'll get an apron later the dust bowl bloody hell I know places like this put their takeaways in
04:44portable containers but now they're doing it to the people who work in them I wonder if people will
04:51evolve so that we'll deliver babies in the same way out they'll pop in a little cardboard placenta with
04:56the womb takeaway written please dispose of this thoughtfully you talk a lot don't you yes yes I do
05:06you'll notice this more and more as time goes on you see I'm allergic to silence in fact I frequently drive
05:12everyone bananas by talking like Patrick Moore coming up 15 years solitary what's that oh we're off
05:19Dave Dave oh all right all right bloody hell my head I can't cook same as usual then yeah I dreamt I
05:33was sitting on this great hamburger bun with my sister inside a giant custard filled up water bottle
05:37probably a womb hey this is James the new chip fryer poor bastard two chips here just turn it on drop
05:46them in and start slicing rolls all right right here did you say womb nothing you did yeah what's with
05:58this womb I've just been reading too much Freud and oh come on let's hear it last chip fryer we had
06:04couldn't speak English so make a change there we go off the deep end it's just that Freud says a lot of the
06:12things we see in dreams are symbols symbols for something else why can't we be English and talk
06:18about the weather come on this is interesting yeah all right you see Freud reckons that because of the
06:25way we're brought up your waking mind suppresses thoughts about sex now according to my ex-wife my
06:31waking mind thought about nothing else but that's by the bike hold on go on well it's just that Freud
06:42says all your secret thoughts come back in your sleep as dreams only disguised as a sort of code
06:48two chips two chips what sort of code well Freud reckoned that when you dream you're climbing upstairs
06:54you're really thinking about having it off climbing upstairs well I grant you the similarity is not
07:02immediately apparent at least in my limited experience but well there is the mountain one
07:07step at a time panting look I don't want to go into too much detail these aren't my theories you
07:15understand I am just putting Freud's case for him him not having been able to turn up personally
07:19I can never remember any of my dreams climbing upstairs though well not every time so does that
07:29mean if you dream about getting your end away you're really thinking about climbing up some stairs
07:33don't be daft well what's the point of it well the Freud it usually meant you wanted to sleep with your
07:39mother mind you the Freud everything from cleaning your teeth to buying a bus ticket meant you wanted to
07:45sleep with your mother no he just thought that it was possible to work out what people are really
07:51thinking and a hot water bottle is a womb well it could be oh right so in fact I'm not really floating
07:58on a hamburger bun and a giant custard filled hot water bottle I'm really floating on a hamburger bun and
08:03a giant custard filled womb well thank you professor that explains everything of course I suppose Freud
08:10would say that you're just a hopeless inadequate who wants to nip back into the womb because you're
08:14about as much use to this world as a typewriter to a pepotamus like I say only putting the good
08:20doctor's point of view three more chips and I'm waiting for the first law bloody hell I reckon the
08:26spread of fast food is all on account of the threat of nuclear war the government has now reached a state
08:32of readiness where within the four-minute warning every family in Britain will be able to get a takeaway
08:36meal at the end of the four minutes we're all burnt to a frazzle because we got sod all civil defense
08:42but at least we go to meet our maker on a full stomach of Kentucky fried chicken it's a sort of
08:47American recompense for getting us blown up in the first place yeah that's it what the dream I couldn't
08:53remember there was this four-minute warning and I had to sharpen this pencil but the leg kept breaking
08:59what's that one I don't know I don't know what's a pencil why some are you right with oh you know what I mean
09:14come on what is it well you're not going to believe this but um according to Freud yeah not me you understand
09:22no he says that objects like pencils and swords and nail files are phallic symbols
09:27nail files oh he was most insistent about nail files old Ziggy probably sat on one and a crucial
09:35moment in his life like the five seconds he stopped thinking about sleeping with his mother for example
09:39so pencils are phallic yeah like Arab towers they're phallic why well just look at the shape of them
09:47there are places for that James like public toilets I was just explaining the phallic symbolism of pencils
10:00mrs. George yes well oddly enough you're here to fry chips not to hold a symposium why aren't you
10:05wearing a uniform where's your hat I confused it with a hamburger and served it in a bun by mistake
10:09don't worry no one will notice the difference put it on it's there for health reasons we don't want
10:15anything dropping on the food oh no like flavor or taste oh goodness goodness James you're here to
10:21fry chips I am I'm busy poisoning British youth you know when those punks with the orange and green air
10:27got trendy about four years ago at the same time as all these burger land places started opening well
10:33I worked it out punk was never a fashion just the inevitable result of malnutrition caused by too many
10:39brunchy burgers orange air sickly yellow faces and safety pins to stop bits of you falling off
10:46that's punks now new romantics came a couple of years later when things were really getting bad
10:52those painted stripes on their faces are vitamin deficiency the blank expressions are brain damage
10:58from too many milkshakes and well you dance like that if you had rickets oh and as for the singing you
11:05see that that that's just turt turt turt turt turt terminal constipation from eating my chin
11:10isn't he a battle of laughs well as a matter of fact I've come down here on a disciplinary matter
11:19I don't know which one of you two failed to shut the fridge door properly last night but when I
11:24opened up this morning I found two cockroaches in the freezer compartment oh well stop some going off
11:29eating the burgers poor sods at least you don't have to put poison down if the burgers don't kill
11:36them nothing you watch they'll start developing orange air soon punk cockroaches start going around
11:44mugging defenseless ear weeks James mr. Shelley you see I am actually the managing director of easy job
11:51trying out the work before I pass it on to one of my eager young applicants just put your hat back on
11:55will you and you two lose a star each and we're short of relish in the restaurant and mr. Shelley yes if
12:03you think that's a phallic symbol you have my sympathy
12:25mr. Shelley that's dedication you do realize we don't employ between 3 and 5 30 yes but the work's so
12:48fascinating I just thought I'd fry a few chips in my spare time oh yes I know your problem it's this
12:53split shift system the second you get home you have to turn around and come straight back again
12:58still reading most of the staff here can't even read their own names first time I've seen a book
13:04here in years probably because on your wages they can't afford to buy them well of course you've got
13:11a degree haven't you I've always wanted to go to university my parents had no respect for education
13:17don't get a degree they said and get a husband but I never found they had the same effect when you took
13:24them to a job interview yeah you can't be serious well the company sends them out what next they're not
13:32hamburgers they fillet steaks this is not work it's enjoyment we're not in a kitchen we're in a Greek
13:38holiday villa on an island oh mr. Shelley you and I know that it's not strictly true but it does
13:43encourage the staff and our relations with the kitchen here are very good that's what alexander
13:49the great said yes the day before they poisoned him oh what have they been saying down here well
13:56no I wouldn't want to lose anyone a star so you know about alexander the great as well sorry you
14:04are an educated man aren't you mr. Shelley educated listen I got so many letters after my name they've
14:10had to invent a special wide-bodied telephone book I'll give you my card to prove it but I have to
14:16have a suitcase to carry around it exactly you've got away with words I think perhaps you and I could
14:24work together I can see you're an optimist I'm the manager of two Dust Bowl concessions and I'm going
14:32to need a caretaker manager here me that's right how many fingers am I holding up sorry mr. Shelley it's
14:40just I thought you could be fully conscious to offer me a job like that after this morning well although
14:45you're wholly disruptive influence in the kitchen you do have a certain way with people and well I
14:51think we educated ought to stick together I hate to bring up this some callous consideration but um
14:59lolly do get more pain oh certainly and you get a proper Dust Bowl burger bar uniform full orange tunic
15:10beautiful yes and you'd be in charge of your friends down here you know poacher turn gamekeeper keep
15:19them on their toes and I'd be able to dish out stars would I of course now tell me what have they
15:28been saying about me down here how many fingers am I holding up how dare you looks like I'm gonna be
15:38frying chips for quite a while yet we off yeah 530 you stay here hmm what's that notice it encourages
16:00good staff relations get stuffed here what do you make of this then I'm with me mum and dad in
16:13Battersea Park and this giant inflatable well floats up the Thames ringing like an ice cream van what's
16:17it all about oh god it's about a giant inflatable whale ringing like an ice cream van oh yeah and there
16:25was a policeman sort of directing traffic come on what is it really I haven't got a clue it's not
16:30like the daily mirror brain teaser you know there's no solution printed the next day I went to sleep
16:37especially find you with this split shift system there's not much else to do in the afternoon is
16:42there leave at 10 home at midnight it's enough to break up your marriage no I managed it all on my
16:47own no help from split shift now available to break up other people's marriages group bookings accepted
16:54life a what's that it's a takeaway no what from the place up the road can stand eat the stuff I cook
17:03you see she's got one too cheeseburger got you one and all oh thanks yeah what's that sign it encourages
17:12good staff relations up there's they're not customers they're victims hey guess what I did it this
17:21afternoon I dreamt I was walking up some stairs so that means you're having it away oh so still mind
17:34you I think I prefer the real thing I dreamt I saw this giant whale floating up the Thames probably
17:40another symbol of a whale yeah yeah I was reading this book in a library on the way home Freud would
17:47say a whale to him wouldn't he James sure but not young who oh young oh no you mean there's another
17:56one go on tell us about young James well he's this disc jockey on radio 2's got to show up for Terry
18:02wait what Jimmy young what Jimmy young another bloody order don't tell me chips chips 15 what must be
18:14another rugby club sod off they're coming in a minute there's another gold star got Patsy you'll have to
18:24watch me some lettuce what in here you'll have to wait James grab us some burgers in the fridge will
18:30you where is it forget it I'll go hello no sorry you must have a cross line never heard of the dust bowl
18:41burger house this is the British psychological dream research center he said it's over 20 customers
18:49waiting for food they're not customers they're friends and friends do not mind waiting I'll get
18:55that salad I don't know it's a crying shame I go to catering college for three years learning how to
19:02cook cordon bleu coco van with avocado vinaigrette and creme brulee to follow I end up slapping burgers
19:07on a grill all day how do you think I feel I've got a degree in geography you should have been able to
19:12find the fridge then oh god it's not in here another couple of degrees we'll have jr in here
19:21perspective for oil probably find it and all the layers of compressed cockroaches under the lino could
19:28be a fuel source for generations cockroaches he's got a degree in geography oh I wish I had an
19:34education all I've got to see I see and would work very handy for cutting these burgers though all
19:42right he's coming he's coming they won't complain if they knew how it was down here we cooks have
19:48sweated over your hamburgers yeah you can see some on top of the bun oh no we're a cheeseburger show
19:56I've got it what that whales a symbol of nature invading London what that whales a symbol oh bloody
20:05hell stuff dreams I'm a cheeseburger show no you're not what I didn't eat my takeaway here you warm it
20:11up how many chips in a portion don't know about 30 30 and five portions per fryer two fryers working for
20:23ten hours a day non-stop say eight right so that's 30 times five times two three hundred times 96 28
20:32thousand eight hundred that's quick 28 thousand eight hundred chips I cook in a day well there's two
20:41more portions it'll last with a bit of luck James Patricia I'm not called Patricia I'm not called James James
20:48what do you think this is it's a chip Patricia having cooked 28 thousand eight hundred today I think I
20:56can say that with some confidence I know it's a chip in fact I would say that looks like chip number 26
21:01thousand two hundred and forty nine to me but I could be wrong I know it's a chip James but it's a hard
21:07black crispy chip you know what that means it's a phallic symbol you be quiet I've had a complaint
21:16about this chip and a number of others like it it can't be a difficult task turning out reasonably
21:23edible chips James there wouldn't possibly be the slightest inkling of a suggestion of a connection
21:29between me turning down a manager's job and all this would you turn down a manager's job anyway we
21:34won't be requiring you after tomorrow you're firing me no not firing you simply telling your agency that
21:41that we don't require a chip fryer you mean a kitchen trainee operative exactly now I've closed
21:49upstairs so get that last order out quickly and then we can all go home you turn down a manager's
21:56job you're bloody daft I know she wrong cow though but did you notice the way she held the chip between
22:03the thumb and the first finger do you know what Freud would say about her what a rotten cow hmm very
22:13nice one thing I don't understand though what if this Freud's a psychologist why did he advertise dog food
22:20mr. Shelley hello I've brought you some tomatoes oh thank you are they from your garden nope from the
22:35restaurant where I've been working mr. Shelley before they fired me fired they wouldn't give me a gold watch
22:42so I had to settle for those well they never said they fired you only that they no longer required
22:48you I think they fired me they offered me a job you see with the chance of responsibility and good
22:55pay so naturally I turned it down and they fired me you turned it down everyone keeps saying that to
23:02me I see now you realize why I'm impossible to live with well I wasn't going to say so but yes
23:09mr. Shelley will you please let you say something for yourself well I suppose I better find you
23:15something else hadn't I not in a kitchen please do I gather you didn't get on at the dust bowl I did
23:22not it's the port and down of fast food restaurants a breeding ground for new and exotic forms of botulism
23:29hidden behind an exterior of astonishing cleanliness besides I seem to spend all my time interpreting Freud and
23:37telling people what their dreams meant oh you know about that as well as geography I am just a confused amateur
23:44you must tell me mr. Shelley you see I had this dream last night
24:07so