Category
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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (bell ringing)
00:23 (bell ringing)
00:26 (gentle music)
00:35 - Morning, Dale.
00:45 - Mm-hmm.
00:45 - Hi, John Redcorn.
00:50 - Uh, Bill.
00:50 (gentle music)
00:53 - Morning, John Redcorn.
01:00 - Oh, Peggy.
01:02 Just dropping off a new healing herb for Nancy
01:05 to help with her migraines.
01:07 Ginkgo biloba.
01:08 - Oh, yeah, uh-huh.
01:09 Sure, I've heard of that.
01:10 (upbeat music)
01:18 (upbeat music)
01:21 - Well, you must be reading Doyle Harcavey.
01:27 What's he got for us this morning?
01:29 - When it comes to starting the day,
01:31 nothing wakes me up faster than coffee.
01:34 - Boy, he's got that right.
01:37 - They say children are a blessing,
01:41 but mine are holy terrors.
01:43 (laughing)
01:47 - Oh, Doyle Harcavey knows children.
01:49 Of course, his daughter jumped out a window.
01:51 (laughing)
01:53 - Oh.
01:57 - I don't believe it.
02:01 Doyle Harcavey is retiring from the musings column.
02:05 - No.
02:06 - He's going to write product descriptions
02:08 for Bradley Air and Heat.
02:10 I don't know how they'll ever replace him.
02:12 - I know how.
02:14 You can write that column, Aunt Peggy.
02:16 - You're a natural.
02:17 - Now, Luann, Peggy has a musing now and then,
02:20 but Doyle Harcavey is a musing machine.
02:24 - Well, I think I could do it as well as anyone else could.
02:27 I play boggle, and that takes verbal ability,
02:30 and I'm always making observations all day long.
02:33 - Really?
02:34 Go ahead, come up with one.
02:35 - You mean right now?
02:37 Okay.
02:38 All right, well, let's see.
02:40 (humming)
02:43 I like milk.
02:46 - Hey, that's the best so far.
02:51 - Do you want to buy cookies?
02:52 (humming)
02:56 (laughing)
03:03 (sighing)
03:07 (humming)
03:13 - No.
03:14 Stupid.
03:16 Too obvious.
03:21 - Why don't you try some out on me?
03:24 Give me your five best.
03:25 - I cannot work with you coming in here
03:27 every two hours and yelling at me.
03:29 I'm going to Nancy's.
03:32 ♪ And now I'm part of the whole soul's open fire ♪
03:41 ♪ And I never felt so good ♪
03:43 - Nancy?
03:44 Nancy?
03:51 Hello?
03:52 Where are you?
03:53 Nancy?
03:57 Nancy?
03:59 Oh, there you are.
04:06 Hello, John Redcorn.
04:07 - Oh, yes, we were just back here.
04:11 - Oh, phew, I just had to get out of that house.
04:13 I am trying to do some creative work,
04:15 and Hank seems to think that he's helping
04:17 by making me more and more stressed out.
04:20 It is giving me a whopping headache.
04:22 - Yes, headaches can often be caused by stress.
04:25 - Of course, John Redcorn.
04:27 You're a licensed New Age healer.
04:29 Why don't I try a healing session with you?
04:32 - Well, I guess that would be all right.
04:36 It is my job.
04:37 - Oh, that'd be great.
04:38 Okay, I'll call you for an appointment.
04:40 - That was awkward.
04:48 What kind of game is she playing?
04:50 - Well, Suge, I don't think she knows about us.
04:53 Peggy's got such a trust in nature.
04:55 She always believes the best in people.
04:57 You know, all of a sudden I feel dirty.
05:01 I'm gonna take a shower.
05:04 - I'll join you.
05:05 (gentle music)
05:08 - Oh, well, isn't this lovely?
05:28 I wasn't expecting carpet.
05:30 I was expecting,
05:32 well, I don't know what I was expecting.
05:34 Not carpet.
05:35 - Peggy, relax.
05:37 - Well, what an interesting chair.
05:42 You know, when I'm sitting in a chair,
05:43 I never know quite what to do with my head.
05:45 So this, this is wonderful.
05:47 - Thank you.
05:48 It's from Brookstone.
05:49 The whales sing of joy and sorrow,
06:02 of gain and loss.
06:04 Like Leeann Rimes.
06:05 There.
06:13 Now lie quietly for as long as you want
06:16 while I copy both sides of your insurance card.
06:18 You know, Peggy's gonna have a hard time
06:29 replacing Doyle Harcavey.
06:31 That guy is amazing.
06:32 I mean, you look at his picture in the paper,
06:34 he never gets a day older.
06:36 - Well, she has to mail in a sample column this week,
06:39 but she'll muse circles around them
06:41 if she can just get past her headaches.
06:43 - Well, those headaches are good as gone.
06:46 Peggy went to John Redcorn for a healing.
06:49 - What?
06:50 - Don't worry.
06:51 Old John R. will fix her up just like he does for Nancy.
06:54 Three times a week.
06:56 - No, Hank, I'm sure Peggy's headache
07:00 is nowhere near as serious as Nancy's.
07:04 - Oh, man, I tell you what, man,
07:05 you don't put Doyle on a dial.
07:07 I can't even have one of this with you.
07:09 - Don't worry about Peggy.
07:11 She does not have the same kind of medical condition
07:16 that's causing Dale's wife to suffer unduly.
07:21 Where is she?
07:22 (sighing)
07:24 ♪ Everything is beautiful in its own way
07:34 ♪ Life is oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
07:36 - Oh, hi, Hank.
07:37 - Uh, hey, Peggy, I guess dinner's gonna be
07:40 a little late tonight, huh?
07:42 - Oh, yep, I just had a headache session with John Redcorn.
07:47 He lit some sweet grass and then I drifted off.
07:49 The next thing I knew, I felt fan-freaking-tastic.
07:54 - Well, good, your headache's gone.
07:56 Then I guess you're all done with John freaking Redcorn.
07:59 - Oh, no, this is just the beginning.
08:01 I have already scheduled another treatment for next week.
08:05 - Peggy, I don't know how some guy rubbing your neck
08:08 helps your head.
08:09 I mean, what's the connection?
08:10 - Ooh, my reporter's instincts tell me
08:13 someone's a little grumpy without his dinner.
08:17 (gasps) Hi, I just got my first musing.
08:20 My husband calls me his better half
08:23 because I better have dinner on the table when he gets home.
08:27 I'm gonna go write that up while it's still fresh.
08:30 (guitar music)
08:32 - What's wrong, Uncle Hank?
08:36 - Nothing's wrong.
08:37 It's good news.
08:38 Peggy had her headache cured by John Redcorn.
08:42 (gasps)
08:43 Stop that.
08:44 Put your face back the way it was.
08:46 Before somebody sees you.
08:48 - What's wrong, New Man?
08:49 - Nothing's wrong, Bobby.
08:51 Now go play outside.
08:52 Dinner's gonna be a little late.
08:54 (gasps)
08:56 (guitar music)
08:59 - Hank, would you like a beer?
09:04 - This is not a social call, John Redcorn.
09:07 - I think I know why you're here.
09:09 Your wife came to me with a headache.
09:11 A real headache.
09:13 Her head actually hurt.
09:15 - I know that, but as I recall,
09:16 that's how it started with Nancy Gribble.
09:19 - Hank, you are my friend.
09:21 I promise you, I would never heal your wife
09:23 in the way that I heal the wives of others.
09:26 - You better not, because if you lay one
09:28 unprofessional hand on Peggy, I'm gonna kick your ass.
09:32 I will.
09:38 (laughs)
09:40 - Oh, oh my, oh my lord.
09:42 Oh, Hank, I got it.
09:44 They are giving me the musings column.
09:46 - Oh, thank God.
09:48 You got the job, the pressure's off,
09:50 no more headaches, right?
09:51 - Are you kidding?
09:53 I have weekly deadlines now.
09:54 I'm gonna have to schedule a regular night
09:56 with John Redcorn.
09:57 - What?
09:58 No, you don't need John Redcorn
10:01 to get rid of a headache.
10:02 Here, I'll give you a massage.
10:05 - Ow, ow.
10:06 - (sighs)
10:08 Just let me know where you really need it.
10:09 - That's my kidneys.
10:11 - Breathe.
10:12 Breathe.
10:14 Picture a wide open field.
10:16 Throw some birds in there if you want.
10:19 - Hank, stop it.
10:20 You're just pinching and slapping and poking me.
10:22 What is it that you have against John Redcorn?
10:25 - Don't make me say it.
10:26 You know what he does to his clients.
10:29 - You think he's overcharging me?
10:31 Well, for your information, I checked around.
10:33 He is less expensive than both VIP and Oriental Massage.
10:38 - For God's sakes, Peggy, come on.
10:40 - It's taken him 13 years to cure Nancy's headache.
10:44 - So you're saying he--
10:46 What are you--
10:47 You're calling him a quack?
10:49 You're saying his methods aren't effective?
10:52 - No, I'm saying they're very effective.
10:54 Come on, you know what I'm talking about.
10:57 Nancy, John Redcorn, Joseph.
11:01 (upbeat music)
11:03 (punching)
11:05 (upbeat music)
11:08 (punching)
11:10 (gasps)
11:11 Good God.
11:12 (upbeat music)
11:15 (upbeat music)
11:18 (grunts)
11:19 I just cannot believe that I could be so stupid.
11:22 How could you not tell me what was going on
11:25 in my own side yard?
11:26 - I thought you knew.
11:28 How could you not know?
11:29 I mean, look at Joseph.
11:31 Where do you think he came from?
11:33 - Nancy told me Dale had a Jamaican grandmother.
11:36 Oh, I believed her.
11:37 (gasps)
11:38 Oh my God, Dale.
11:41 Does Dale know?
11:42 - No, no, he's as slow as you.
11:45 - Huh?
11:46 - In a sweet, trusting sort of way.
11:49 (gasps)
11:51 - Shameless tramp.
11:52 How can she?
11:54 I just cannot believe.
11:56 (grunts)
11:57 (punching)
11:58 Oh, ow.
11:59 (upbeat music)
12:02 - You dirty bird.
12:04 - What's wrong, Shug?
12:05 - Joseph is not Jamaican and neither is Dale
12:08 and I am beginning to suspect
12:10 that his grandmother isn't either.
12:13 - So you know.
12:14 Who told you?
12:15 - I wouldn't have to tell me.
12:16 How stupid do you think I am?
12:18 You've been cheating for 12 years.
12:20 Nancy, how could you?
12:22 - I have my reasons.
12:23 - Yes, and I've seen those reasons
12:25 packed into his Sergio Valente jeans.
12:28 I bet you don't even have headaches anymore.
12:31 (birds chirping)
12:34 And you.
12:36 Dale Gribble is your friend.
12:38 How could you be a look the other way-er?
12:40 - Now, Peggy, you're sort of freaked out
12:43 because it's still fresh for you.
12:45 Live with it a while.
12:47 You'll see, you'll get used to it.
12:49 - The only thing I ever want to get used to
12:51 is a cold glass of lemonade.
12:53 I am still a journalist, darn it.
13:01 (sniffing)
13:02 Did anyone else sniff today's garbage?
13:05 And I thought yesterday's garbage smelled good.
13:09 (light music)
13:12 - Morning, Dale.
13:18 You poor, poor man.
13:20 - Hi, John Redcorn.
13:23 - Uh, Bill?
13:26 (door creaking)
13:28 - Well, well, well.
13:31 John Redcorn.
13:33 - Oh, Peggy.
13:35 Nancy's headache's very severe this morning.
13:37 Uh, must be the pollen.
13:39 - Well, well, well.
13:41 - Well.
13:42 - John Redcorn.
13:44 - Peggy Hill.
13:47 (door slams)
13:49 - Peggy Hill, what's so important
13:50 I have to jump off treadmill?
13:52 - Oh, I'm so sorry, man,
13:54 but I had to talk to someone.
13:56 It's about Nancy.
13:59 She's happened an affair.
14:01 - Oh, my God!
14:02 She's cheating on John Redcorn?
14:04 - You know about that?
14:06 - Oh, not at first.
14:07 It took me about an hour.
14:08 But I'm naive and trusting person.
14:12 Peggy Hill, you not know?
14:14 - Well, I knew.
14:15 - Peggy Hill not know!
14:16 That is so funny!
14:18 Okay, who I tell?
14:19 Who I tell?
14:19 Oh, I email Con.
14:22 Why are we drinking beer in front of my house?
14:25 We always drink beer in the back of my house.
14:27 This feels wrong.
14:32 But I like it.
14:33 - Dale never find us here,
14:35 and we need to talk alone.
14:38 Does it bother anyone that we've known for years
14:41 what's going on with Nancy,
14:42 and Dale doesn't?
14:43 - Nancy's having an affair with John Redcorn?
14:47 This is the first I've heard of it.
14:49 I am shocked.
14:50 I mean, I am shocked.
14:52 That's what I mean.
14:53 I am appalled.
14:54 - Yeah, man, you don't want to be prying
14:56 into my family secrets, Hank, man.
14:58 You don't want to get a little skeleton
14:59 in the closet, man.
15:00 Don't look like a little turd
15:02 having an old Redenbacher, man,
15:03 turned into a dang old actor, man.
15:05 - Look, can't we just discuss it for five seconds?
15:09 - I don't believe it.
15:10 I've known Dale and Nancy for years,
15:13 and they have a fairy book marriage.
15:15 - Ah, shut up, Bill.
15:19 - Hmm, hmm, hmm.
15:23 What, Dale?
15:24 How nice to see you.
15:26 - I can't find Hank, Bill, or Boomhauer.
15:31 If they're hiding behind the door,
15:33 just nod slowly.
15:36 - Oh, you sweet man.
15:38 You know, I have been thinking a lot about you.
15:41 We never get to talk, you and I.
15:42 Why is that?
15:46 Anyway, Nancy should count herself lucky
15:48 to have a man like you.
15:50 Just look at you, the way that...
15:52 hat accents your... head.
15:56 Plenty of women would be happy to have you.
15:58 Good, good women.
16:01 Would you like to come in for some pie?
16:05 - I should go.
16:07 - Hey, Dale.
16:08 What's going on?
16:10 - Oh, not much.
16:11 Peggy Hill wants to leave Hank
16:13 and run away with me.
16:14 - I don't believe it.
16:16 They have a very booked marriage.
16:19 - Let's face it.
16:20 Angie Dickinson has lost her looks.
16:25 Mix pineapple juice with club soda,
16:27 you got yourself a big bucket of crap.
16:32 Well, go ahead, say it.
16:34 They're terrible.
16:36 How am I supposed to appreciate the little things in life
16:38 when so many big things are wrong and evil?
16:41 - Oh, don't worry, Aunt Peggy.
16:44 I'm sure that even Doyle Harcavey had trouble sometimes.
16:49 - Doyle Harcavey?
16:50 Doyle Harcavey?
16:51 If you ask me, Doyle Harcavey wasn't that good.
16:55 - Thank you, Mom.
16:56 It's about time somebody said it.
16:59 Of course coffee wakes you up in the morning.
17:03 I mean, that's how they advertise it.
17:07 - You'll see.
17:08 Being with the Gribbles when you know about Nancy
17:10 is weird at first,
17:12 but it goes away after a few years.
17:15 It helps if you think of something else.
17:18 I use sports.
17:19 You can use boggle.
17:21 - All right, you guys are just in time.
17:23 Boom hour's on second.
17:25 Nancy's healers at bat.
17:30 Oh, man, look at that John Redcorn.
17:32 He sure can swing.
17:34 Woo!
17:41 Good eye.
17:42 - Are you kidding?
17:43 This guy never strikes out.
17:44 Ain't that right, Nancy?
17:48 - Oh, boggle.
17:49 Boggle, boggle.
17:50 Thank-- boggle.
17:52 - All right, wing go, man.
17:54 - Woo-hoo!
17:55 - Redcorn gonna score again.
17:58 - Score.
17:59 Score.
17:59 Scores.
18:00 Core.
18:00 Cores.
18:01 Soar.
18:02 Soar.
18:02 Oh!
18:03 - All right, come on, John.
18:04 Come on.
18:05 He's going all the way.
18:07 - I have to get out of here.
18:09 - Ballpark nachos.
18:12 You don't buy them, you only rent them.
18:15 - I'm done, Hank.
18:16 My rose-colored glasses are off, and the world looks flesh-colored and unappealing.
18:22 I cannot live the lie anymore.
18:24 - Well, it takes two to talk about it, and everyone else already knows and isn't interested.
18:30 - No, not everybody knows, Hank.
18:32 I can think of one person who doesn't, the one person who really should.
18:38 - Ah! All right, way to go, Big Bad John.
18:44 - Hold up, Peggy.
18:49 You can't just walk back over there and tell Dale his wife's cheating on him.
18:54 Just let sleeping dogs lie.
18:56 - Oh, interesting choice of words, Mr. Hill.
18:59 Lie.
19:00 - I meant lie down.
19:02 - I know that, Hank.
19:04 Dogs don't tell lies, only people lie.
19:07 They lie like dogs.
19:10 Hmm.
19:11 - Hank, there's something I just figured out, and you need to know.
19:24 - Uh, sorry, I can't hear you.
19:27 Probably none of my business anyway.
19:29 Sander!
19:36 - Hank, it's important.
19:38 Your wife loves me and wants us to run off together.
19:46 I've not yet been able to ascertain where.
19:49 - Dale...
19:49 - No problemo on this end.
19:52 I don't even find her attractive.
19:54 - Of course you do, and I appreciate the lie, but Peggy's just being nice to you.
20:00 But you're a good friend for wanting to tell me.
20:04 - Uh, Dale, if the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to know?
20:08 - Don't flatter yourself, Hank.
20:10 Nancy likes her men thin and pale of face.
20:14 I thank God every day for sending me an angel with the hots for my track team physique.
20:29 - You hear the expression "lie like a dog" often enough that it is almost a cliché.
20:35 But more often than not, if someone is lying to you, they're a person.
20:40 We all know a certain person who is lying for her husband.
20:44 Every time we look the other way, we add a lie to a lie.
20:48 Well, this reporter is not gonna lie anymore.
20:52 And you can print that.
20:55 [music]
20:57 - Excuse me? - Suge, listen.
21:05 I love Dale, but in a light's own sort of way.
21:09 - Well, I feel for you, I really do.
21:11 But you married for better or worse, and worse includes Dale.
21:15 Now, either you tell him or I will.
21:18 - Peggy, please. I'm not going to. - Well, then get out of my way.
21:23 [door opens]
21:25 - [sighs]
21:35 Hey, Dale.
21:37 I thought I'd like to take a little of my own advice this morning.
21:41 - Having some waffles, are ya? - No, I meant the longer one, about sleeping dogs.
21:47 Dale, I have to tell you something very important.
21:52 - Oh, no. - Dale.
21:55 Nancy is not the wife you think she is.
21:59 And John Redcorn?
22:01 Well, he is not the friend that you think he is.
22:04 Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.
22:07 Nancy and John Redcorn did something to your dog?
22:12 - No, damn it, Dale. Nancy and John Redcorn are not-- - Hey, Dad!
22:16 Just a sec, Peggy. Yes, son?
22:18 Me and Bobby are bored. What do we do?
22:23 How about renting a videotape?
22:25 Yeah, well, we want to see Encino Man, but we don't have any money.
22:29 Pauly Shore, 1992, classic.
22:34 Hmm. Well, I got two fives. One for you, one for me.
22:39 - Thanks, Dad. - [chuckles]
22:42 Oh, wait. I found some more.
22:45 Yeah. Can't watch Encino Man without milk balls, huh?
22:50 Thanks, Dad!
22:52 Ah, sorry about that, Peggy.
22:59 Now, what is it that I don't know?
23:01 Dale, uh, I just found out that...
23:07 Vikings were the first visitors to the moon.
23:11 Well, I knew that. Why do you think we named our spacecraft after them?
23:16 - Poor, naive Peggy. - Oh, well, that makes sense.
23:21 I'm so glad you and I could have this little talk. I feel so much better.
23:26 Okay, I guess. Hmm.
23:31 - Peggy! - Huh?
23:33 You've got a good husband there.
23:35 He doesn't have the best body on the alley, but he's got a good head on his shoulders.
23:42 Yeah, I know.
23:44 Well, how'd he take it?
23:54 I couldn't tell him. I guess some things are best left unsaid.
24:00 Yep.
24:01 - You know, Hank, I really... - I know, and Peggy...
24:04 - I gotcha. - All right, then.
24:07 Great! Pepperoni it is!
24:09 [theme music]
24:12 [theme music]
24:16 [theme music]
24:20 [theme music]
24:23 (upbeat music)
24:26 (upbeat music)
24:29 (upbeat music)
24:31 - Peggy Hill.