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Short filmTranscript
00:30All right, anyone serving or what?
00:51Be with you in a minute, love.
01:09Hello, Frank, pet. What can I get for you?
01:11Look at this. I just found it under the pool table.
01:15Any note?
01:16No, nothing.
01:22They've written its name on the side here.
01:25Ah!
01:26Arrow, or Ross.
01:29Yeah, look at the way it's spelt.
01:31He must have been thicker than a ticket's out wad.
01:34They couldn't even decide on a name.
01:36Oh, poor little mite.
01:38I wonder what will become of him.
01:40Something terrible, no doubt.
01:52GLASS CLINKS
02:05I hate doing that. I hate doing that.
02:12Halt!
02:16Smeg.
02:18I've just sneezed out me cap.
02:21Just thought I'd change your linen before you turn in for the night, sir.
02:25Something terrible's happened. I've lost me cap.
02:27No, no, here it is, sir. I've just finished giving it its monthly scrape.
02:31My tooth cap.
02:33The one you made from the skeleton in the Mediway.
02:35Oh, I see.
02:36Hey! Here it is.
02:38I need some glue to stick it in.
02:40I've just got that needly pointy thing. I look disgusting.
02:42No, let me see.
02:43No, I look all needly, pointy and disgusting.
02:46Let me see, sir. I'm a mechanoid, for goodness sake.
02:48I won't be revolted, no matter how you look.
02:51Oh, my God, it's hideous.
02:56Very funny. Just fix it.
02:58It'll take about half an hour to prepare some dental adhesive.
03:01I'll give you some wood glue. You can redo it in the morning.
03:03What? Wood glue?
03:04Are you sure, sir?
03:06I don't want you to get your lips glued together. Now, be careful.
03:09Oh, incidentally, I've just found some old clothes in one of the storage lockers.
03:14Oh, hey. I need a dressing gown.
03:17Well, that's what I thought.
03:20You know, I thought if I remove the trim, let it out a little bit,
03:24obviously dye it, well, I think it could be just dandy.
03:28Yeah. Nice one, Christ.
03:30Well, perhaps I could take the necessary measurements now, sir.
03:35I wonder why guys have nostril hair.
03:37I think it's nature's way of telling you
03:39it's time to buy a flat cap and a pair of driving gloves, sir.
03:42Worse are those guys who just let it grow.
03:45They look like they've got, like, half a loo brush lodged up each nostril.
03:49They look like those machines that shine your shoes.
03:51Curious, isn't it, that most women aren't similarly afflicted?
03:54Obviously, I'm excluding women who work in Oxfam shops.
03:57Pain. It evens itself out, doesn't it?
04:00Women of the agony of childbirth, and we have...
04:04..this.
04:09They don't know they're born. They don't.
04:16What is wrong with me?
04:18Now I've got a box of floss attached to me face.
04:21Ow!
04:23Hey! Nice outfit.
04:26Did you come in here for a reason?
04:28Oh, yeah. Something's shown up on the long-range scan,
04:31which is weird, with a capital W.
04:33Can you be a tad more scientific?
04:35Can we get... Is it, er, we?
04:38We.
04:40We.
04:42We.
04:44Is it a wibbly thing or a swirly thing, sir?
04:47At this early stage, I'd hate to commit myself and wind up looking a fool.
04:51Come see for yourself.
04:53A wibbly thing or a swirly thing,
04:56and he refuses to commit himself.
04:59He's losing it.
05:01He really is.
05:08It's some kind of power surge
05:10that's causing a major disturbance in the fabric of space-time.
05:13It's also causing a major disturbance in the fabric of my pants.
05:17It's almost like a tear. Perhaps a temporal rip.
05:20I'm going to turn this tub around and try and outrun it.
05:22Get real, man.
05:24That thing out there's going faster than a copy of a lull in a nunnery.
05:30I suggest we treat it like a tidal wave, sir,
05:32and head straight for the eye of the storm.
05:34Are you sure about that?
05:36Because intestines in a suit won't work without colon-coloured accessories.
05:40I need to know. Should I change?
05:42No. Go for it, man.
05:44The eye of the storm.
05:53We seem to be through the worst of it,
05:56but I'm picking up some kind of subspace energy disturbance down on the engineering deck.
06:00You're right, sir. It's off the scale.
06:02Now, for a subspace energy disturbance,
06:05I'm dressed perfectly. Let's check it out.
06:13According to the Psi-Scan,
06:15the membrane between two realities has temporarily collapsed.
06:19This is some kind of hyper-way through non-space to a parallel dimension.
06:24Let's have a goosy.
06:43Careful, sir.
06:45The Linkway's about as stable as an Italian taxi driver
06:48who's got stuck behind two old priests in a Skoda.
06:51What the hell is that?
06:53Non-space, sir.
06:55An abyss of infinite nothingness, where time doesn't seem to exist.
06:58Sounds like Rimmer's organ recital night.
07:07I recognize those guys.
07:10Wait, don't tell me...
07:12How's it going?
07:16So you're a hologram?
07:18Hard light.
07:19So in your dimension Lister died?
07:21In the radiation leak that wiped out Red Dwarf.
07:23Why didn't you get it put into stasis like me?
07:25What happened?
07:26Remember coming back from shore leave on Mimas?
07:29I had to take a couple of days off to get over Kachanski.
07:32Yeah, I remember.
07:35Where the hell have you been?
07:37I've reported you as AWOL.
07:40I've been on shore leave, man. Didn't you get my message?
07:43You're supposed to apply to a superior officer before you get shore leave, Lister.
07:48Look, Rimmer, give me a break.
07:49Ever since Kachanski split with me, I've needed some time on my own, OK?
07:52Kachanski dumped you?
07:54Yeah.
07:55She really dumped you?
07:56Yes.
07:57You didn't tell me. You should have told me.
08:00Are you really heartbroken?
08:01Well, you know, man, you know.
08:03You are, aren't you?
08:04OK, yes. Yes.
08:06Didn't I tell you you'd never bridge that class division?
08:09Look at her.
08:10Navigation officer, cadet school, Space Corps, well-spoken,
08:13can stay awake during operas, knows her cheeses.
08:17She's class. And you? What are you?
08:19I don't mean to sound cruel, but in comparison, you're scum.
08:22And second-rate scum at that.
08:23Yeah, but don't forget, I used to be fourth-rate scum.
08:25I've dragged myself up on me bootstraps, bub.
08:28Lister, Lister, your type isn't Kachanski, Lister.
08:32It's someone called Tiffany.
08:34Someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties.
08:38Someone who thinks Diliboppers are funny.
08:40Someone who says something instead of something
08:43and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to a cement mixer.
08:47This from a man who's had less sex than a lettuce?
08:50Oh, ha-ha.
08:51Remember, people who say ha-ha have no sense of humour.
08:54They just can't think of a witty retort.
08:57Oh, ha-ha.
09:02And Miss Kachanski, ma'am,
09:04I don't suppose you've read my proposal for a new Space Corps salute?
09:09It's just I'm trying to get the support of the officers
09:11to have it replace the conventional one.
09:13I don't want to pressure you, but it is rather important,
09:15because if you like it, that brings the overall total of officers
09:18who are right behind it up to...
09:21one.
09:23Rimmer? Yes, ma'am?
09:24Have sex with someone, and that's an order.
09:26Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.
09:28Dear, ring this number. Say I sent you.
09:30Tell her it's an emergency.
09:34Hi.
09:35Hmm.
09:36I just wanted to say, look, I'm sorry for the dear John.
09:40It was cowardly.
09:41Huh?
09:42Oh, that! Sorry, I completely forgot.
09:44Seems like years ago.
09:46It was last week.
09:47Was it? Mm-hm.
09:48I must have got over it just like that.
09:51Oh, come on, Dave.
09:52It's just we weren't going anywhere.
09:54How could we? We never got out of bed.
09:56Look, there's more to life than hanging out in your bunk,
09:58eating delivery curries and having fantastic sex.
10:01Frankly, I find that very hard to believe.
10:03I just wanted to see if we could be friends.
10:05What, do you mean give it another go?
10:07No, no. I'm, er, back with Tim now.
10:10Tim?
10:12That guy is such a poser.
10:14The way he always wears that white suit
10:16and that stupid big white floppy hat.
10:18He's a chef.
10:20Yeah, but the way he always poses around in it,
10:22in the officers' club, smoking those black cigarettes.
10:25He's such a phony.
10:26At least he's got a vocation.
10:28What, and you think because I happen to be vice assistant,
10:30vending machine, deputy minion,
10:32maintenance repairman, I'm nobody?
10:34Well, yes.
10:36Do you think a guy brings home ten free Crunchy Bar samples
10:39every week and hasn't got connections?
10:42I just think that perhaps if you would...
10:44CAT MEOWS
10:48Do you know what you get for smuggling a cat on board?
10:51What, cat marshaled?
10:53I could have you before a disciplinary board.
10:55How long before they'll get a chance to shower and change?
10:57I'm serious.
10:58A serving Ono, I'm supposed to report it.
11:00Don't report it.
11:02Give me a bunch of stasis for six months.
11:04Don't you know how dangerous it is
11:06to smuggle in an unquarantined animal?
11:08I was lonely. I'd just been dumped by me girlfriend.
11:11Oh, breaks every reg in the manual.
11:23CAT MEOWS
11:26BEEPING
11:36Just don't get caught or I'm out cold for six months, OK?
11:40So you didn't get put into stasis
11:42and died with the rest of the crew?
11:44Then Holly brought me back as a hologram.
11:46So what happened to Kachansky?
11:48They found the cat and she got six months in stasis.
11:51So does that mean...?
11:55BEEPING
12:01Hi.
12:03You look great.
12:05You look pretty amazing yourself.
12:08So, in this dimension, you didn't die.
12:11You're an alternate version of Dave.
12:13Well, I like to think of myself as a definitive version, you know,
12:16honed to perfection by time and evolution.
12:19BEEPING
12:25I can see why you'd think that, yeah.
12:27Sirs, ma'am, we've scarcely two hours
12:30before the dimensional tear self-repairs and we lose the linkway.
12:33I suggest we might spend some of that time
12:35exchanging supplies and information.
12:37We could update your hydrogen RAM drive
12:39to attack in-powered engine core.
12:42And in return, maybe we can unscrew
12:44all those old pickle jars you can't open.
12:47There is something you could do for us.
12:49Yeah?
12:50At some point, I'll want to have children.
12:53It's a slightly pervy thing to ask,
12:55especially seeing as we've only just met,
12:57but perhaps you could... Yeah?
12:59After all, we've been, you know, lovers.
13:02Perhaps you could... Yeah?
13:05Fill this up.
13:07I'd rather be standing a bit closer.
13:09It's a self-gamut mixing in-vitro tube.
13:12I'm already in there.
13:14It just needs your contribution.
13:20So, it worked out for you guys, then?
13:23Couldn't be more happy.
13:25Well outside a major dental surgery with a rusty knife.
13:28Congratulations.
13:33Guildship, somehow they've managed to infiltrate Narnspace.
13:44Kress, give me a hand.
13:46Hand onto me feet, man.
13:56It's going to kill!
14:14Shit.
14:45She's really something, isn't she?
14:48Who is?
14:49Officer Budbe.
14:51In fact, I'm barely hanging on
14:53to my title as most gorgeous creature on this ship.
14:59What am I talking about?
15:01Am I crazy?
15:02Captain, we're under attack.
15:04It might be an idea to get us the smeg out of here.
15:09What happened?
15:11I thought I'd lost you.
15:14I think you've mistaken me for...
15:16Shh.
15:18What were you saying?
15:20Forget it.
15:22Oh, dear.
15:24Sir, I think Miss Kachansky is under the delusion that you're...
15:27Not now, Kryten Man.
15:28No, but you don't understand me, sir.
15:30You see, Miss Kachansky thinks that you haven't handled it, OK?
15:33Now go and make some sweet tea or something.
15:35Permission to speak, sir.
15:37Permission refused.
15:40Wait a minute. This isn't the Medi Bay.
15:43I think you must have mistaken me for your lister.
15:45That's what I've been trying to tell you all along, sir.
15:47Were you?
15:50If only you'd listened to me,
15:52I could have saved you from all that yuckiness.
15:54Is that the kind of guy you are?
15:56Someone who'd take advantage of a woman who's half insensible?
15:59I was going to tell you honestly.
16:01They always taught me in school it was rude to talk with your mouth full.
16:05Wait, you mean I'm stuck here with you?
16:08Priscilla, Queen of Deep Space?
16:10No way. I've got to get that Link way back.
16:14It's not exactly possible at the moment. We're under attack.
16:18It's back on our tail.
16:20What is it?
16:21Some gelf battlecruiser.
16:23They've sent a scan, sir. Take a look.
16:27Oh, my God, it's the missus.
16:30The what?
16:31Mr Lister's gelf bride.
16:33We all went to the wedding.
16:35It was just beautiful.
16:37You married this?
16:38Yeah, two.
16:39You mean...
16:40We were in a bit of a fix.
16:42We needed an engine part.
16:44You should visit the orangutan house at London Zoo sometime.
16:46Your eyes will be out in stalks.
16:48Wait.
16:49They're opening comms channels.
16:51Sir, they're demanding you return to your bride.
16:54In gelf law, separation is impossible without special dispensation from...
17:01A chief justice of...
17:13OK, patch me into the MCN and I'll lay down an SS line.
17:17Your what, Officer Baby?
17:19Quadrant 4-9-2-G-8-7 moving across to Quadrant 2-Q-4.
17:24Officer Baby?
17:25Quadrant 4-9-2-G-8-7 moving across to Quadrant 2-Q-4-1-9.
17:31Just follow my chords.
17:33Your chords?
17:34Yeah, my chords.
17:35You want me to follow your chords?
17:37Is that a problem?
17:38Now, you're not talking about trousers, are you?
17:41Coordinates.
17:42Coordinates!
17:44Thank you.
17:55Twenty degrees starboard on this next berg.
18:01They're right on our tails.
18:03Hold this line.
18:05Keep holding.
18:07Keep holding.
18:09Lift now!
18:21Really snazzy.
18:24Really snazzy.
18:31Still no sign of Miss Kachanska's ship, sir.
18:34We're fast running out of time.
18:36It's good, isn't it?
18:38No, sir, I don't believe it is.
18:40I thought you liked it.
18:42I'm a mere mechanoid, sir.
18:44It's hardly my place to point out what a bossy old trollop she is.
18:47Good kisser, though.
18:49She knew that was you all along, sir.
18:52She's trying you out to compare you with her, Mr. Lister.
18:55Apparently he's really quite something.
18:58Initially a soft-light hologram,
19:00and that's made him sensitive and caring in a way most men aren't.
19:04You mean he can remember anniversaries
19:06and stay awake for several seconds after sex?
19:08He's every woman's dream guy, sir.
19:10He even enjoys shopping for shoes.
19:12Jesus.
19:13A human male who's prepared to have in-depth discussions
19:16about relationships.
19:18We're talking about someone quite exceptional here, sir.
19:21So why does that leave me?
19:23Well, that leaves you...
19:25trying to help me get her back to her rightful shape.
19:31She can't stay here, sir.
19:35She just can't!
19:38Crichton Man, are you okay?
19:40I just know we're not going to be able to get rid of her.
19:43Is that so terrible?
19:46She's going to take you away from me!
19:48I just know it!
19:50What?
19:51I took her a glass of milk when she was showering.
19:54I've seen her naked!
19:57So?
19:59She's got all those in-and-out bits that you like.
20:03No matter what happens, you and me, we're compadres, amigos.
20:08But that's all going to change if she stays!
20:10You'll end up liking her more!
20:12I won't! I won't!
20:14I won't! I won't!
20:16You promise?
20:17I promise.
20:19So she walked in here now and took all her clothes off and said,
20:23Make love to me, you horny dude.
20:26And I said,
20:27Perhaps you'd prefer to fold some sheets with me instead, sir.
20:31What would you do?
20:33What kind of sheets would they be?
20:35Those nice cotton ones with the pattern.
20:38The blue stripy ones or the green square ones?
20:41The green square ones.
20:43So it's making love to Kachansky or folding sheets with you.
20:50Can I do final folding, staff?
20:52Absolutely.
20:53But the sheets, they're not!
20:54And she's standing there all naked with all the in-and-out bits going all innie and outie.
20:59It'd be the sheets, Kite.
21:01You and me, hospital corners.
21:03Really?
21:05Too true.
21:08You're lying!
21:10You're just trying to make me feel better.
21:13Why can't she be more like Mr. Rimmer?
21:16He was perfect.
21:17He didn't have any in-and-out bits, hardly at all.
21:20Look, there's no one I care more about than you, okay?
21:24I'd never dump you like she did, never!
21:27And that's not gonna change.
21:28Never?
21:29Never.
21:32You're lying!
21:34I'm not lying!
21:35Yes, you are!
21:36I'm gonna end up on my own again, just like I did on the Nova 5!
21:40You killed the crew, Crichton.
21:42No wonder you ended up on your own.
21:44All right, it was an accident, but nevertheless.
21:46Well, what about before that?
21:48It was the same on the SS Augustus.
21:50They all died of old age.
21:52You see?
21:55I thought I'd, uh, lend a hand
21:58and see if I could help you get out of here.
22:00I've got a positive trans-dimensional trace,
22:02but I still can't re-establish the linkway.
22:04I'm sure it's something to do with the electromagnetic phasing frequencies.
22:08You took the words right out of my mouth.
22:10Have you tried reversing the signal?
22:12We'll need a power reroute in the auxiliary power drives.
22:15I'll take care of that.
22:17I'll take care of that.
22:19I'll take care of that.
22:21Auxiliary power drives.
22:23I'll take care of that.
22:25Whatever it is.
22:29It's the, uh, big red button.
22:31There, sir.
22:39Hey, Officer Budvabe.
22:41About that power similililililim drive?
22:44I'm taking care of it.
22:52You don't like me, do you?
22:54Mom?
22:55You don't, do you?
22:57Mom, I think it would be more efficient
22:59if we spent our energies trying to re-establish the linkway.
23:03But why do...
23:04Please!
23:05I mean...
23:06Mom!
23:08I need to know why.
23:10Do you, indeed?
23:11Yes.
23:12Well, you're not good enough for him, that's all.
23:15OK, he may walk around smelling like a balty house laundry basket,
23:19but he doesn't need the likes of you,
23:21swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow
23:23and bewitching him with all your in-and-out bits.
23:26All pointy and unnecessary.
23:29You've got big problems, you know that.
23:32Well, at least I don't have a ridiculous walk,
23:34unlike some people.
23:36Ha! Have you seen the way you walk?
23:40I have a perfectly sensible walk.
23:43At least I don't walk like this.
23:46PHONE BEEPS
23:50Phaser frequency 434. We've got it back!
23:53What? You're right! That's it!
23:55I can leave! You can leave!
24:05Here's the 2,000 bulbs of garlic your listitude wanted.
24:10Phew-wee!
24:12I may just have my nose hermetically sealed.
24:15Is this right? 18 crates of curry and no pasta at all?
24:21Champagne, everyone!
24:23If this doesn't deserve a celebration, I don't know what does.
24:26What are we celebrating, exactly?
24:30Oh, you've found your crewmates at last. How wonderful.
24:33Thanks, Creighton.
24:34I must go and find the others.
24:43This is for you.
24:46It wasn't easy, I can tell you.
24:48I'm not exactly awash with helpful material here.
24:51I had to use one of Rimmer's old James Last Album covers.
24:54A girl in a yellow crocheted miniskirt doing the twist.
24:57It was like peeling an orange with a chopstick.
25:00I didn't need to know that.
25:02Anyway, it's all worked.
25:04Just pop that in the uterine simulator,
25:07in your medilab, and bingo.
25:09Wow.
25:10Or child.
25:12Oh...
25:13You know.
25:14I know.
25:16Any advice?
25:17For the baby, I mean.
25:19What, advice about life and stuff?
25:22Well, I can tell you can always park nearer than you think.
25:25Don't go to Sweden. Avoid sprouts.
25:28Oh, and if you're a guy, never chop up hot chillies
25:31and then go for a leak without washing your hands first.
25:34Feels like a bomb's just gone off in your pants.
25:36That's it.
25:38A lifetime's worth of wisdom crammed into under a minute.
25:42As soon as it's old enough, I'll tell it all about you.
25:45Apart from how you eat spaghetti.
25:49Just make it understand why I'm not there.
25:51I don't want it ending up like me.
25:53Oh, what happened to you was really rough.
25:55With pool table, no note, no explanation.
25:59I think that's why I spent most of my alien life drifting, you know.
26:03I didn't have anything to live up to,
26:05cos I didn't know who I was, where I came from.
26:07Just those two names, they couldn't decide on calling me.
26:10Rob or Ross.
26:12Hey, I'll look after it.
26:14You know I will.
26:16Yeah, I know.
26:22Excuse me, sir.
26:23I'm just doing a spot of dusting here.
26:27Look, this is probably a long shot,
26:29but if we can hit the right settings,
26:31it may be possible to communicate trans-dimensionally.
26:35See you.
26:37Bye.
26:44What's this?
26:45Something to do with the aliens?
26:47I don't know.
26:48I've never seen anything like it.
26:50I've never seen anything like it.
26:52I've never seen anything like it.
26:55What's this?
26:56Supplies from Bud Babe's ship.
26:58No, this.
26:59It's the symbol for infinity, sir.
27:01The snake eating its own tail and thus completing
27:03the everlasting circle of life that has no beginning or end.
27:06What's it doing on here?
27:07The crate used to contain batteries, sir.
27:09Ouroboros batteries. Everlasting.
27:11Ouroboros what?
27:13Ouroboros, sir. It's the name of the symbol.
27:19What is it, Bud?
27:21Ouroboros?
27:23It wasn't our Rob or Ross.
27:25It was Ouroboros.
27:26What was?
27:27The message that was written on the side of me box.
27:29You came in a box?
27:30That explains everything.
27:33I know who my parents are.
27:35I know who I am.
27:36I understand now.
27:37It explains, sir.
27:38The in vitro tube.
27:39The one Kachansky's got.
27:41The frozen embryo.
27:42It's me.
27:44At some point, if the baby's born,
27:45we must go back in time and leave me under the pool table
27:48at the Agbath Arms.
27:49We wrote Ouroboros on the box to explain.
27:52And me own father increases me ex-girlfriend and me mum.
27:58You should write a letter to Playboy, Bud.
28:00I'll bet you anything it'll get printed.
28:02I've got to get that test tube back.
28:11Mum, wait!
28:13What?
28:14I need the in vitro tube. It's me!
28:17It's what?
28:22The gulfs are back!
28:38What are you doing?
28:40I'm going to jump.
28:41You'll never make it!
28:42Chris, no!
28:47Christine!
28:48We've lost her, sir.
28:50No.
28:51Christine!
28:56Yeah?
28:57Hi, it's me.
28:58Hi.
28:59I've decided to stay.
29:00Just one provider.
29:02Yeah?
29:03Save my life, OK?
29:05Cargo bay. Look in now.
29:13What's this?
29:14It's mountaineering equipment from Miss Kachansky's ship, sir.
29:16Who spoke?
29:17I thought it might come in handy next time you run into your wife.
29:22You've got about 20 seconds before I'm out of reach.
29:27Rope?
29:29Yes! Yes! Yes!
29:36I'm getting a might panicker here.
29:52Ah!
30:04Bastard!
30:16It's an obscene phone call, sir.
30:18I think it's for you.
30:21Thank you.
30:27I've bought you a drink, but don't think for one minute
30:29it means I've gone all mushy on you.
30:31Thank you.
30:34I'm going to get up and work out a way of re-establishing that link way.
30:37It's too late, Mum. The rip's self-repaired.
30:40We're stuck with you!
30:42I'm going to try anyway.
30:45Oh, Mum!
30:47Yes, Croyton?
30:50Welcome aboard.
30:52Thanks, Croyton.
31:04For a long time, you'd think that you were abandoned,
31:07but you weren't, man.
31:09You were put here to create a new world,
31:11but you weren't, man.
31:13You were put here to create a paradox,
31:15an unbreakable circle.
31:18With us going round and round in time,
31:20the human race can never become extinct.
31:23We're like a kind of holding pattern.
31:31I'll see you soon.
31:41I'll see you soon.
32:11Mango juice, ghostly show
32:14Stemming out my toes
32:16Fun, fun, fun
32:19In the fun, fun, fun
32:23Fun, fun, fun
32:26In the fun, fun, fun
32:41Thanks for watching!