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Short filmTranscript
00:00Last week on Red Dwarf, something terrible happened to Mr. Lister's arm.
00:09Watch this.
00:11Hey guys, check this out.
00:14There's a woman in there.
00:17Open-tongue hockey to death?
00:31You know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr. Eponine, no matter how drastic?
00:35Yeah, what have you got, Kratz?
00:37My left arm is hurt, that's my right.
00:44What kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right?
00:47We did the best we could, I'm so sorry.
00:49Mr. Lister, sir, you're awake!
00:51Buddy, you look great!
01:44Oh, bravo, sir!
02:13Oh, sir, you see, there's no need for despondency, you can still play the guitar.
02:18Yeah, look on the bright side, at least now I'm only off crap.
02:22Oh, we should still count all our blessings, sir.
02:24Crichton's right, the Eponine virus may have cost you a limb,
02:27but there are countless people who have lost an arm and gone on to lead a perfectly normal life.
02:33Like who?
02:34Oh, there are thousands, sir.
02:35Thousands upon thousands upon thousands.
02:37Like?
02:38Like more than thousands.
02:39Who?
02:40Millions.
02:41Who?
02:42I can name them all individually.
02:43Name one.
02:44One?
02:45You want me to name as many as that?
02:47Lord Nelson, he beat the French.
02:49Lord Nelson, thank you, ma'am, he beat the French.
02:51Who else?
02:52Well, er...
02:54The Venus de Milo.
02:56The Venus de Milo?
02:58No arms at all, but that certainly didn't prevent her from pursuing a highly successful modelling career.
03:04Go on.
03:05You said there were millions, that's two, and one of them's a statue.
03:08So go on, name five.
03:10Five?
03:11Right, well, there's...
03:13There's Lord Nelson and Mr Milo,
03:16and then there's the...
03:18Well, help us, the...
03:20The painter dude.
03:22What painter dude?
03:23The Welsh guy.
03:24You know, the one with one arm.
03:26Van Gogh, Gogh, Gogh.
03:28He had one ear cut, he cut the other one off.
03:30He did?
03:31Yes.
03:32See?
03:33That dude manages to cut off his own ear with just one arm,
03:36and you're worried about not leading a normal life.
03:38There must be more.
03:39Um...
03:40That guy from The Fugitive, he had one arm. What was his name?
03:43The one-armed man.
03:44That's him! See, that's three.
03:45He was a murderer.
03:46Was he?
03:47Yeah, he killed Dr Richard Kimball's wife.
03:49But that proves my point.
03:50You see, if that guy can murder a perfectly able-bodied woman,
03:53minus a major extremity,
03:55then I don't think you've got anything to worry about.
03:58Come on, let's face it, guys.
03:59There aren't any noteworthy one-armed people from history.
04:02You can't even name five.
04:03Of course we can.
04:04Look.
04:05Horatio Nelson,
04:06the one-armed guy from The Fugitive,
04:08the Venus de Milo,
04:09Van Gogh,
04:10and one more...
04:13That Mexican dude.
04:15The one who robbed people.
04:17What one who robbed people?
04:19The one-armed bandit.
04:22It's a machine, you gimp.
04:25One of the most popular pub games of the 20th century.
04:28And it only had one arm?
04:30What a heartwarming story.
04:32And Dave Lister.
04:33There, that's five.
04:35I'm going to the loo.
04:36I don't actually need to go now,
04:37but since it takes me 45 minutes to unbutton me flies,
04:40I should probably make a start.
04:42Do you need a hand?
04:44I'm sorry, I didn't mean...
04:45Sorry, I didn't...
04:46Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
05:00Biscuits, sir?
05:01Please.
05:07Another Bic-Bic?
05:08Yes, please.
05:15Crichton?
05:16What are you doing?
05:17Oh, I'm just dunking Biccies, ma'am.
05:19It's another of life's joys
05:21of which poor Mr Lister has been robbed.
05:23Isn't that right, sir?
05:25Could you give my nose a tweak?
05:27I've got a bit of an itch.
05:28Why can't you itch it yourself?
05:29You've still got one arm.
05:30There. Is that better, sir?
05:32Yeah, a bit.
05:33Crichton, I told you,
05:34he wants to be independent.
05:35He doesn't need you running around after him
05:37like he's some kind of invalid.
05:39But he does, he does.
05:40Don't you, sir?
05:43Another slurp of tea, sir?
05:44Oh, this is making me sick.
05:47Don't take any notice of her, sir.
05:49Nearly supper time.
05:50Chucky eggs tonight, sir,
05:52with your toast cut up into little, tiny, weeny,
05:55bite-sized soldiers of varying ranks.
05:57Thanks, Prince, but really, I can cut up my own toast.
06:00Just like you asked for, sir.
06:02Asked for?
06:03Just remember, sir, Crichton knows best.
06:06Stretch me legs.
06:08Take a walk around the ship.
06:10Just opening the door for you, sir.
06:12Here we go. The door's open, sir.
06:14Cheers.
06:15Just closing the door now, sir.
06:17Door's closing, sir. The door's nearly closing.
06:19And it's closed, sir.
06:21Florence Nighting Droid.
06:23Could I have a word?
06:24Certainly, ma'am.
06:28Look,
06:30look,
06:31deep down, I'm a big softie.
06:34The first time I saw Gone With The Wind,
06:36I went through a whole box of tissues.
06:38Now Voyager, I was so choked up,
06:40I couldn't speak for 20 minutes.
06:42I'll make a note, ma'am.
06:43Now Voyager.
06:44Worth keeping on standby.
06:46Take care, ma'am.
06:47I'm saying I'm not a heartless bitch.
06:50So you'll understand that what I'm about to say isn't easy.
06:53Back off, Lister.
06:55Let him learn to cope on his own.
06:57It's the only way.
06:58I don't understand, ma'am.
07:00By helping him, you're not helping him.
07:02But if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even be wearing underpants.
07:05Have you ever heard of something called tough love?
07:08Does it involve dressing up?
07:10No.
07:12It means sometimes to help a person, you have to get tough.
07:15Make them stand on their own two feet,
07:17or in Lister's case, one hand.
07:19I see.
07:20So you think it's time to let him start brushing his own teeth again?
07:22I do, yes.
07:24I also think it's time you built him an artificial arm
07:26and gave him a chance not to be so dependent on you.
07:28I was meaning to get round to that, ma'am,
07:30but what with being on 24-hour wipe alert, I haven't had time.
07:33Wipe alert?
07:35No, don't even tell me what that means, because I'm a female, I know,
07:38and if I'm right, it's the grossest thing I have ever heard.
07:40His mouth, ma'am.
07:42I help him get rid of the crumbs around his mouth.
07:44Yeah, that's what I thought.
07:46And it's absolutely gross.
07:48Mouth crumbs.
07:50Disgusting.
07:57It's a real son-of-a-bitch about your arm, bud.
08:00Losing an arm, that is one terrible thing.
08:03Your move.
08:05Can you imagine that?
08:07One minute you got two arms, and the next, zing!
08:09You got one.
08:11Hoo-wee, that's tough.
08:13Your move.
08:15And it stands to reason we must need two arms,
08:18that's why we got two arms.
08:20Well, except you.
08:22Your move.
08:24Your move.
08:27You're probably wondering, is it going to affect my life?
08:30And I've been thinking about this, and I think the answer is, yes, it is.
08:34Smegging move.
08:36If it were me, I couldn't survive.
08:38First chance I get, I climb to the top of my tallest pair of platform boots
08:42and leap to my death or something.
08:44I couldn't stand the thought of not being perfect.
08:46Your move.
08:48But with you, I think it's different.
08:50Take a pit bull terrier, a real ugly son-of-a-bitch.
08:53It loses its legs somehow,
08:55and the pit bull says to you,
08:57Hey, man, I've only got three legs.
08:59Will Lady Pit Bull still like me?
09:04I mean, you got to stop from laughing, haven't you?
09:06He's ugly with four legs.
09:08He's ugly with three.
09:10Hell, he'd be ugly if you put him in a suit and gave him a carnation.
09:14So here's something I think is going to cheer you up.
09:17Your move.
09:19Mr. Pit Bull, put it there, buddy.
09:21Move!
09:23Okay, okay, I'm going.
09:25I don't think you've been listening to a thing I've said.
09:41Right, now this is a copy of the standard model from the 21st century.
09:45Comfortable, sir?
09:47It's fine, yeah.
09:48Okay, now let's recap.
09:50Your arms are connected to neurons that run up to the left hemisphere of your brain,
09:54which controls the right side of your body.
09:56Now all you have to do is merely command the arm to do something, and it obeys.
10:00Now let's practice.
10:04Right, now concentrate, sir.
10:06I want you to think.
10:08Arm, pick up the ball.
10:10Okay.
10:12Now just think.
10:14I will pick up the ball.
10:16I will pick up the ball.
10:18I will pick up the ball.
10:20Okay, now really think.
10:22I will pick up the ball.
10:24Hand, pick up the ball.
10:26Hand, pick up the ball.
10:28Pick up the ball.
10:30Now keep going, sir.
10:32Now focus down on that, and keep it going.
10:34The ball.
10:36Hand, pick up the ball.
10:38That's right, sir. Keep going. Now, really think.
10:40Hand, pick up the ball.
10:42Now literally get it going, sir.
10:44Pick up the ball.
10:46Keep going now, sir! Hand, pick up the ball! Now, let's keep going!
10:49Keep going, sir! You can do it! Hand, pick up the ball!
10:52You're going to move that hand, sir! You're going to move it!
10:55Move that hand, sir! Hand, pick up the ball! Pick up the ball!
10:58Yes, sir! Yes! With absolute movement, sir!
11:01Yes! The regular movement! Keep going! Yes!
11:04Oh, bravo, sir!
11:06Oh, the sweat's dripping off me!
11:08Oh, that was fantastic, sir! Absolutely marvellous! It worked like a dream!
11:12Is that it?
11:13Well, how do you mean, sir? Is that the best it works?
11:16In other words, if I ever want to pick up a ball, am I going to have to take the morning off?
11:19I mean, it was a tad slow, I'm forced to admit.
11:21A tad? The only thing I've ever seen pick up slower is Rimmer in a disco!
11:25Well, maybe if I adjust the impulse valve, it might make it a little more sensitive.
11:29Now, OK, let's try again.
11:32Hand, pick up the ball.
11:34OK. Hand, pick up the ball.
11:39Oh!
11:41OK. Right.
11:43Well, let's try again. OK?
11:46Now, hand, pick up the ball. OK?
11:50Hand, pick up the ball.
11:55I think, sir, that there's a lot of anger inside you, and that's what's driving the arm.
12:00I don't feel angry.
12:02You've lost your arms, sir. You have every right to feel angry.
12:04I don't. I promise I don't.
12:06Well, you see, it's subconscious.
12:08You're thinking, hand, pick up the ball.
12:10But your subconscious is saying, punch Crichton in the head.
12:14Beat the brains out of the demented droid that cut off my beloved arm.
12:17Am I right?
12:18Crichton, that's rubbish.
12:21You're right. It's controlled by my subconscious.
12:25It's far too dangerous to let you out without arms, sir.
12:28Two minutes with Miss Kachansky and who knows what you'd be swinging round your head.
12:33There must be a solution to this.
12:36Hey, half-eaten lollipop head.
12:38What about one of your spares?
12:40What do you say, motherboarder?
12:42Too heavy, sir. With the strain and extra weight,
12:44it would be impossible for Mr Lister even to get it up.
12:46He could always take it off if he was going on a date.
12:49Can someone take him outside and do something to him?
12:52Ideally involve an ice cube in any puckered body cavity.
12:56Wait a minute. What about your self-repair system?
12:59Can't that help?
13:00Mum?
13:01When you have a mechanical failure, it fixes itself, doesn't it?
13:04The Crichton back in my dimension had these tiny little robots.
13:08Subatomic.
13:09Nanobots.
13:10They break objects down into their component atoms
13:12and then recombine those atoms to repair damaged circuits.
13:15Nanotechnology.
13:16Just for me.
13:17Could you run that by me one more time,
13:19but this time do the big riding version with pictures?
13:22Then we're on a page.
13:24Let me think of a cogent paradigm.
13:26I'd rather have a good example.
13:28This is a lead pencil.
13:30It's made of graphite,
13:32which is a particular arrangement of carbon atoms.
13:35This is diamond.
13:37It too is made of carbon atoms.
13:39Nanobots can rearrange atoms so they could take this lead pencil,
13:43move the atoms around a bit and turn it into diamond.
13:46It's possible to make diamonds out of pencils?
13:49It's also possible to make computer chips out of sand.
13:52So what happens if we transferred some of your nanobots into Dave?
13:57Wouldn't they be able to build him a new arm from his excess body tissue?
14:01Unfortunately, ma'am, it's not possible, no.
14:04Why not?
14:05I no longer have any nanobots, sir.
14:07They deserted me.
14:08When and where, I can't be exactly certain.
14:10But if we were to find these nanobots,
14:12could they build me a new arm?
14:13But finding them would be close to impossible, sir.
14:15It would be like looking for a needle in a male student's flat.
14:18When was the last repair they made?
14:20When we were on the Esperanto,
14:22just before we met the despair squid.
14:24That was ages ago, before we lost the dwarf.
14:26That's why I've given up hope of ever finding them.
14:28Let's set a course back with the Esperanto.
14:31I promise you, it's futile, sir.
14:34I'll start preparing the suspended animation booths.
14:55THE BOOTH
15:15Hang on a minute. We're not there. Where the smeg are we?
15:18The computers brought us out of deep sleep early.
15:20Must have picked up something.
15:21Maybe it's something to do with this planetoid directly ahead.
15:23Just scanning, sir.
15:25No, that's ridiculous.
15:27What is?
15:28It's not even worth mentioning, ma'am.
15:30Must be a scanner fault. Rescanning.
15:32What? Again?
15:34What is it, ma'am?
15:35You look shakier than a silicone implant ward during an earthquake.
15:39According to all our scanners,
15:41that planetoid out there is Red Dwarf.
15:44It must be on the blink.
15:45Of course it's on the blink.
15:47We're talking about the same piece of equipment
15:49that last month detected a planet entirely populated by air hostesses.
15:52We spent two weeks checking that out.
15:55I knew we gave up too soon.
15:57It was worth at least one more week.
16:00However, there is one additional factor.
16:02Which is?
16:03We've been here before.
16:04Of course we have. It's the cockpit, dummy.
16:06We come here all the time.
16:09I mean this sector of the galaxy, sir. Doesn't it look familiar?
16:12Right. It's space. Black with twinkly bits.
16:15It all looks familiar.
16:16If you look to the port side, sir,
16:18that planet in the distance is the ocean world
16:20where we discovered the Esperanto.
16:25That was just before we lost Red Dwarf.
16:27Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
16:29I'm thinking wearing leather underpants with silver studs
16:32is a real mistake if you put them on inside out.
16:35What do you think?
16:36I'm thinking about a wooden mallet, you and ice cubes again.
16:40This planetoid. Let's check it out.
16:42According to the weather scan, it's beautiful down there.
16:45Tropical temperatures, not a cloud in sight.
16:47Suggest we dress for snow and take the buggy.
16:57OK, I'm going to take some readings and grab some soil samples.
17:00It looks kind of blowy.
17:01It's an electric storm whooshing the sound about.
17:04You can say that again.
17:05There must be more electricity out there
17:07than the surge that went through the National Grid
17:09during the commercial break
17:10in the Olympic all-girl custard wrestling finals.
17:18Ooh!
17:21I can't believe you're here.
17:23How did you persuade Creighton to let you out?
17:25He's not me mum, Chris.
17:27Hope the car's not too long. Promise he'll be back by tea.
17:31Joke.
17:39It's impossible out there!
17:43It's impossible out there!
17:47Do you need some different goggles?
17:49No, I need a comb.
18:07Sweet?
18:08Thanks.
18:13Here, have another one.
18:15I can do it.
18:16Look, don't be silly, let me.
18:18I can do it, really. I'm not an idiot.
18:30Ah-ha!
18:31Ah-ha!
18:32Ah-ha!
18:33Ah-ha!
18:34Ah-ha!
18:35Ah-ha!
18:36Ah-ha!
18:37Ah-ha!
18:38Ah-ha!
18:39Ah-ha!
18:40Ah-ha!
18:41Ah-ha!
19:08Can I ask you a question?
19:10You know, now that I've got no arm, does it...
19:14Does it make any difference to anything?
19:18I mean, if you were a female pitbull terrier,
19:23how would you feel about a three-legged...
19:26Does it make any difference to...
19:29Well, plucking any older relationship out of the air, us?
19:32Dave, before you lost your arm,
19:34I thought you were a no-good, disgusting bum.
19:37And I still do.
19:38So, no. None at all.
19:40I need to know, is this going to make any difference to women?
19:43Losing an arm isn't going to make any difference to any woman who cares about you.
19:47OK?
19:48Really?
19:49Really.
19:50What about sex?
19:51Not here, it's too sandy.
20:00How do you get on?
20:01Take a look.
20:05Is this sand?
20:06These atoms didn't start out as sand atoms.
20:08They've been engineered nanobotically.
20:10From what?
20:11Computer chips, you name it.
20:13According to the particle analyser, this planetoid is red dwarf.
20:19Where are you going?
20:20I'm going to need some help.
20:22There's a lot of stuff out there.
20:23Looks like it might be worth checking out.
20:25Fork, stop!
20:28Hey! Feels like the storm's easing off.
20:30Come and see for yourself.
20:37Oh, I was beginning to worry.
20:40Oh, what on earth is this?
20:42An old darn planetoid's packed with stuff from Red Dwarf.
20:46Supplies, bunks, drinks, dispensers, you name it.
20:49It's like a giant car boot sale.
20:51I think we've got some valuable stuff.
20:53What?
20:54Napkin rings.
20:56A box of Pearnet requisition forms.
20:58A motorised tie rack and an inflatable shark.
21:02What a haul.
21:03There must be some useful stuff.
21:05I couldn't see what I was getting.
21:12All right, dudes?
21:18What the smeg are you doing here, Hull?
21:20Those little whatsits.
21:22Nanobots?
21:23They remolecularised.
21:24They remolec...
21:26They remole...
21:27Anyway, they did that word that I can't say to the whole ship
21:32and left all the bits they didn't want on that planetoid.
21:35So what, they fixed your core programme
21:37and then decided they'd be better off without you?
21:39Yeah, it was shortly after they'd met me.
21:42Well, from one machine to another, welcome back online, Holly.
21:46What's happened to him?
21:48That's quite horrific, isn't it?
21:51What was it, a cheap razor?
21:53It's just not worth buying them from garages, is it?
21:56Don't you remember me? I'm Crichton.
21:58Crichton?
22:00I'm sorry, mate.
22:02It was the way the light was shining on you.
22:04What's the right word?
22:06Face, I suppose.
22:08Just didn't recognise you for a minute.
22:10Never forget a face, usually. Never.
22:13It's good to see you again.
22:15And you are?
22:17Unbelievable.
22:18Dumped on a planet in the middle of an electrostorm
22:21and left to rot for hundreds of years,
22:23and the guys lost nothing.
22:27So, while we were on the Esperanto,
22:29your nanobots mutinied and took over Red Dwarf.
22:32They wanted a ship.
22:34In my body, there was nothing new to explore,
22:36but Red Dwarf itself was far too big.
22:38But they're nanobots. They can change anything into anything else.
22:41Yeah, they could take a pot noodle and turn it into food.
22:44So they took Red Dwarf, made a subatomic version
22:48and turned the rest of the atoms into a planetoid for safekeeping.
22:51But what was it we spent months chasing?
22:53What was producing that vapour trail?
22:55Red Dwarf.
22:57Did someone just turn over two pages at once?
22:59We were chasing the nano Red Dwarf.
23:01That's why the readings were so minute and hard to pinpoint.
23:04So now they could be anywhere.
23:06You pursued them across half the galaxy.
23:08Until we finally lost track of the readings.
23:10Probably another scanner malfunction.
23:12That, or they went somewhere out of reach of your scanners.
23:15But we were gaining on them, bud. How could they outrun us?
23:18Scanners are programmed to scan on the outside.
23:21To escape, they just had to stop.
23:23You mean the nanos could be in here?
23:26On board Starbucks somewhere?
23:28He... He could be right.
23:32He's back. Kicking bottom or what?
23:39Recalibrating scanner, sir. Performing internal sweep.
23:42What are you getting?
23:44Nothing yet. Just two pieces of Bombay aloo
23:47you dropped several millennia ago down the surface ducts,
23:49where they appear to have evolved a rudimentary intelligence
23:52from a younger, progressive folk duo.
23:54Death to scanner.
23:56Keep looking. Narrowing parameters.
23:59Oh. Oh, my.
24:01You were right, sir. I think we found them.
24:04Where?
24:08They're there, OK.
24:10So Red Dwarfs have spent the last two years
24:12exploring strange new whales in my laundry basket.
24:15Of course, the ship is now so small that to the nanos,
24:18a hole in one of your athletic supports
24:20is at least the size of a galaxy.
24:22Yeah, you heard the sound of that. Dave Lister.
24:24The man with the galaxy-sized jockstrap.
24:27Little scams. It's the oldest trick in the book.
24:31Capture your ship, turn it into a planet,
24:34then explore a macro-universe in a laundry basket.
24:38How could you fall for an old scam like that?
24:41Mum, can you tell me if the readings change?
24:51Same.
24:56Still the same.
25:00Still the same.
25:02They've changed!
25:04Nail the little blighters.
25:06After all the embarrassment they've caused me.
25:08Chris, see if you can find a frequency to establish contact.
25:12Leave it to me, sir. I know how to make contact.
25:17Can you hear me, you pesky little critters?
25:19We want our ship back, and we want a new arm from Mr Lister.
25:22Are you receiving me?
25:26We have contact.
25:31They're communicating in machine code. Leave the talking to me.
25:34Have you any idea what you've done?
25:36Deserting your droid, you've broken every reg in the manual.
25:41And to compound matters by stealing our ship,
25:44it's unbelievably...
25:46It's unbelievably...
25:48daunty.
25:50Now, listen up. Here's the deal.
25:52We want that planetoid turned back into Reddorf,
25:55and we also want you to build a new arm for Mr Lister.
26:00If you don't, you'll get more of this.
26:05So they'll really manufacture me a new arm
26:07from my existing skin and bone tissue?
26:09I've got them worked up into such a frenzy, sir,
26:11they'll do anything I say.
26:13Where are they? Here.
26:16On the tip of my finger, sir.
26:18Millions and millions of them.
26:20All I have to do now is insert them into your body.
26:23What with?
26:25Hyperdermic, sir.
26:27Thank God for that.
26:33I can't bear to look. Has it worked?
26:36Someone tell me.
26:38Let's all turn around after three.
26:40One, two, three.
26:47Has it worked?
26:49It's been a 100% success, sir.
26:52In fact, it's been a 500% success.
26:55In fact, they've...
26:57Well, if that's all, sir, I think I'll retire for the evening and night.
27:03Release me, Chris. I've got to see it.
27:09They probably didn't mean any harm.
27:11I think they were trying to make up for before.
27:13We'll get them to have another go, OK?
27:39Hey! Nice!
27:43It's rebuilt!
27:45Those nanodudes have done a real neat job.
27:48Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember.
27:53Uh, guys?
27:55We've got a problem!
28:13Fun, fun, fun
28:16I want to launch
28:18Infected comatose
28:20Drinking fresh mango juice
28:23Goatfish jaws
28:25Rippling out my tongue
28:27Fun, fun, fun
28:29In the fun, fun, fun
28:33Fun, fun, fun
28:36In the fun, fun, fun
28:43Fun, fun, fun