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00:00Britain! Britain! Britain! Population, one million. Number of towns, nine. Average height,
00:12thirty. Shoe size. But just who are Britain? Over the next eleventeen weeks we aim to find
00:18out by following the lives of ordinary British folk. What do they, who is them, and why?
00:29British justice is the best in the world. Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman
00:35or a mental. Vicky Pollard, you have been charged with shoplifting. On the eleventh
00:42of April, it is alleged you went into the Erkskin branch of Superdrug. Once there, you
00:47attempted to steal an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull by concealing them in your
00:52leggings. Now, in the face of the overwhelming evidence we've heard today against you, do
01:00you stand by your plea of not guilty? No, but, yeah, but no, because what happened was
01:04right, was this thing happened, what you don't even know nothing about. Shit, I bet you weren't
01:06even supposed to be anywhere even near them. Then Meredith came over and started stirring
01:09it all up, started calling me all these things, like about this thing, what you don't even
01:10know about. Right, but you admit you were in Superdrug at the time. No, but, yeah, but
01:19no, because there's a whole other thing, what you don't even know about, and Meredith says
01:21it weren't a thing, but it was, so don't listen to her, because she's a complete slag.
01:24Right, Meredith, who is Meredith? She's the one who done that thing about the thing, but
01:28she gives you sweets, don't eat them, because she's dirty. Thing, what, what thing? Yeah,
01:33I know, and anyway, there was this whole other thing, what you don't even know about, or
01:36something or nothing, because I bet you told Wayne Duggan that Jermaine fingered Carly
01:39round the back of the ice rink. Right. I was supposed to be doing home ec, but I wasn't,
01:43right, I was on the phone to Jules. But anyway, don't listen to her, because she had a baby
01:46and didn't tell anyone. Vicky, were you in Superdrug at the time? No, but, yeah, but
01:51No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, because I wasn't even with Amber. Amber? Who's
01:55Amber? Yeah, exactly, I wasn't even with her in any way, I don't even know who she is,
01:58so you better ask her. I don't think you realise the gravity of the situation. No, but, there's
02:02this other thing, right, well, I don't even, you definitely can't say that, right, because
02:05you have a criminal record with her, so I don't have to go into this. This is a court
02:09of law, you have to, are you going to keep interrupting me? No, no, no, no, I'm not,
02:12I'm going to let you speak. Now, we've heard from the social media. Oh my God, right, there
02:18was this other thing I forgot to tell you about. You know, Creed, well, he felt upheavy
02:21on the court score at Alton Towers, no, Mum totally had an epi, but then Dean went on
02:24to Mary Rose and was sick on Louise Farran's head. Does the defence have anything to say?
02:31Yes, My Lord. Vicky, have you got my purse? It's a quarter past jillion, and the Aberdoon
02:42stuccoos in Scotland is serving dinner. Would you pass me another breadstick, please, my
02:48love? Oh yes, of course, there you go, dear. Lovely soup, isn't it? Yes, it's very tangy,
02:52I'd love to know what they put in it. I hear you talking about my soups! You must be the
02:58chef. Maybe I am, and maybe I'm not. Well, are you? Yeah. Ah, well, my wife Morag and
03:11myself were just complimenting you on your broth, and we'd love to be able to make it
03:14at home. You'd like to know my secrets, would you? Well, yes. Have you ever heard of a thing
03:23called butter? Well, yes. Golden colour and slippery to the touch. Yes, butter. Anything
03:35else? Yes. Are you going to tell us? Yes. Have you ever heard the legend of the seeded
03:43fruit that is often mistooken for a vegetable? Oh, the tomato. Red in colour and fleshy within,
03:51but beware of the pits. They call it the tomato. The tomato? Yes. Anything else? Yes. Well,
04:06have you ever heard of such a thing as a cow? A cow, mind? Yes, I do believe I've heard of a cow.
04:13Ah, but did you know the cow secretes a liquor from its udder? Yes, milk. Oh. Yeah, well,
04:31thank you very much. Have you ever heard of... Have we ever heard of what? Salt!
04:44Yes, we're familiar with salt. Ah, you fell into my trap, for I speak of the foe of salt. Pepper.
04:51Ye know too much. So it's butter, tomato, milk, salt and pepper. Do you use a vegetable stock for
04:59that? Yes. Is that it? Yes. Oh, thank you very much. So, Morag, you were telling me... Ye know
05:06too much. Ye know too much. Ye know too much. So anyway... So anyway, Morag, you were telling me about...
05:20I leave ye with a riddle. I'm hard, yet soft. I'm coloured, yet clear. I'm fruity and sweet. I am jelly.
05:27What am I? Jelly. Muse upon it further, I shall return. It's jelly though, isn't it? Yes.
05:49Oh, yes, you're very tense, aren't you, Jonathan? Yes, I think the thing to do is to try and think of
05:55something relaxing. When I want to relax, I like to think of a herd of marauding buffalo trampling through
06:02a village. The villagers are fleeing. Perhaps one or two of them are caught in the melee. You still seem very
06:11tense. We continue our journey in Merkin, a happy town just north of Trout. It's midday, and rubbish
06:19transvestite Emily Howard is paying a visit to his local swimming pool.
06:33First things first, I am a lady, and I would like a lady's swim, please. Er, yeah, men, women, whatever, it's two
06:41pounds sixty. That's right, a lady's swim. Oh, where's my purse? It's in my lady's handbag that I bought from a
06:49lady's shop. From a lady. These coins are so heavy. Of course, you wouldn't notice being a man. Heaven knows
06:58what that is like. I do not, how could I? I'm a lady. Is there a pool reserved for womenfolk? No, there's just one
07:07pool and it's mixed. No, really? Yeah, there is a ladies only swim night on Tuesday nights. Oh, Tuesday nights, you
07:21say? Yeah, so you can't come then. No, you're right, I can't come then. I'm doing ladies things that night that
07:29ladies do, because that's what I am, a lady. I've got my lace handkerchief on the floor. Are you alright? I thought you were
07:42wondering what those initials stand for. E-H, it's Emily, Emily Howard. I have a lady's name because that's what I am, a lady.
07:49Yeah, the pool's that way. Oh, thank you. And where are the changing rooms? Right, the men's changing rooms are just over
07:56there. Oh, so you have changing rooms for men, very good. And the ladies? Well, the ladies change, which is for ladies
08:05only, is right next door. Merci, monsieur. So men can't go in there? They get thrown out? I should hope so. Thank you, I found
08:21it. Toys in Britain are sold in toy shops. This isn't a toy shop, it's a real shop.
08:51Hello, are you looking for anything in particular? Yes, I was wondering whether you had any pirate memory games suitable for
09:04children between the ages of four and eight? Er, I'll just have a look. I can't see any here at one moment. Margaret? Margaret?
09:26Yes? There's a gentleman here who wants to know if we've got any pirate memory games. Ages four to eight. We should have some, all by the farm
09:35toys. Oh yes, here they are, pieces of eight, a pirate memory game, ages four to eight. Can I have a look? There you go. Match the
09:49pirates and find the treasure. That's alright for you? Have you got any other pirate memory games? It's not quite what I had in mind. I can't see
10:07any here. One moment. Margaret? Margaret? What? Have we got any other pirate memory games? What? Have we got any other pirate memory games? No. I think that's the only one they do. She says she thinks that's the only one they do. What's wrong with that one? I wanted something a little less pirate-y. He wanted something a little less pirate-y. Have you tried Simmons? Have you tried Simmons on the High Street? Yes, I've just been there. Oh, I don't know what to say. Is there a shop near here that specialises in pirate memory games? No. Have you got any pirate memory games? No. Have you got any pirate memory games? No. Have you got any pirate memory games? No. Have you got any pirate memory games? No. Have you got any pirate memory games? No. Have you got any pirate memory games? No. Have you got any pirate memory games? No. Have you got any pirate memory games? No. Have you got any pirate memory
10:37games? I'm not sure. Margaret'll know. Margaret? Margaret? Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games? Near here. Near here? I don't think there are any in the local area, no. She says she doesn't think there are any in the local area, no. Okay, I'll just wait.
11:08Ten Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister.
11:11The Prime Minister is like this guy who is, like, in charge of, like, the whole country.
11:27So it is with great reluctance that I...
11:30have decided to...
11:33So it is with great reluctance that I...
11:36have decided to accept the Minister's resignation.
11:39I'll take a few questions.
11:41A Boyd Hilton smash hits.
11:43Prime Minister, do you admit that the Foreign Secretary lied to the House?
11:47I've answered that question already. Next.
11:49Greg Davies, puzzler.
11:51Have you appointed a replacement?
11:53We'll be making an announcement shortly.
11:55Angus Thomas, Kerrang.
11:57Who's next to go from your Cabinet?
11:59There will be no more resignations from my Cabinet.
12:01Roy Sloan, whizzer and chips.
12:03Are you concerned you've lost your strongest ally in the Cabinet?
12:06There is no rift in the Cabinet.
12:08Andrew Jarman, Dinosaur magazine.
12:11What was your answer? Sorry, I don't know that one.
12:13It's new. You get a free binder with part one.
12:16You collect it over 24 weeks.
12:18It's everything you need to know about dinosaurs.
12:22Go ahead.
12:24Oh, I'm sorry, I've forgotten the question.
12:27Roger Wakeley, Asian Babes.
12:29Given your support of yet another disgraced minister,
12:31don't you think that your position has become untenable?
12:33Certainly not. One more question.
12:35George Paxton, Daily Telegraph.
12:37Who's your favourite member of Westlife?
12:42There's a lot of stress knots in your ear.
12:44Imagine a gang of children throwing stones at a pensioner.
12:49He's weeping softly as they lift him and put him into a wheelie bin.
12:55The wheelie bin is being pushed down a hill now
12:57and the children have let go.
13:00It's careering towards a busy road.
13:05Relax.
13:12If there's one thing that brings this country down,
13:14it's fat people.
13:16They're heavy, they're rude, and in summer they smell.
13:20I know, well, they're all the same.
13:22Yeah, anyway, listen, I'd better go, I've got my fat people round.
13:25All right, OK, bye.
13:28OK, sorry about that.
13:30So, welcome to Fat Fighters.
13:32I've been really looking forward to finding out
13:34how we've all been doing this week in our fight against the Flabs.
13:38So let's start by going round the circle, Paul.
13:41Hello, I'm Paul, and I'm three stone off my target weight.
13:45I'm Pat, and I'm five stones and one pound off my target weight.
13:48My name is Mira, and I'm one stone off my target weight.
13:52And I am Marjorie, and I am my target weight.
13:56OK, so it's a special day today at Fat Fighters
14:00because we have a new member.
14:04He is a new member.
14:06His name is Christopher Halliday.
14:08He's just turned 13, and he's got a little bit of a problem with food.
14:11Now, we're all friends here at Fat Fighters,
14:13and we're all here to help each other,
14:15and I promised his mum we're all going to be extra special nice to him,
14:18aren't we, Fat Fighters? Hello.
14:20So, Chris, here they bully you at school.
14:25What do they say, Chris? What do they call you?
14:27Fatty.
14:29Fatty.
14:34Not Fatty Bum Bum?
14:36Not Fatty Bum Bum? Fatty Fatty Bum Bum?
14:38No. No, just Fatty.
14:41Incredible Bolt?
14:43Piggy?
14:45Pigs in space?
14:51Oh, Chubby Checker?
14:53Fat Pretty Boy?
14:55Cracker?
14:57No.
14:59They don't all make fun of me being fat, you know?
15:01No, but the other ones will be thinking it.
15:04So, what advice can we give to Fatty Halliday
15:08about losing some of this excess weight?
15:10Paul?
15:12Eat sensibly.
15:13That's rich coming from you. Anyone else?
15:15Don't eat too much chocolate.
15:16What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate?
15:18All the other kids hate him.
15:19Chocolate's the only friend he's got.
15:21Exercise.
15:22No, I can't. What?
15:23Exercise.
15:24No, do it again.
15:25Exercise.
15:26No, I can't understand. Do it again.
15:27Exercise.
15:28One more.
15:29Exercise.
15:31No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris,
15:32and that's getting some exercise.
15:34Oh, that reminds me. A lot of hidden calories in curry.
15:37Exercise. Anything, really.
15:39Football, jogging, football.
15:42I do ten minutes of step aerobics every month,
15:44and that's why I'm so thin.
15:46You're not thin, you're fat.
15:48I'm sorry?
15:49You're not thin, you're fat.
15:50Yes, I always say it!
15:51There'll be no name-calling in this class, do you hear me?
15:55Oh, that hurt.
15:56That really did hurt.
16:00Oh.
16:06I know you're new, Christopher,
16:07but that's not how we do things here at Fat Pie.
16:09It's all right.
16:11Right, we'll move on.
16:13We'll put it behind us.
16:15Our presentation topic today,
16:17legal and illegal foods.
16:19Chrissie, do you want to give me a hand with the board?
16:24If you ever do anything like that again, I'm going to kill your mum.
16:29Back at 10 Downing Street,
16:31the Prime Minister is meeting one of his aides.
16:33Are the results of the opinion poll come through, Sebastian?
16:36Yeah, I've got them right here, Prime Minister.
16:38What sort of things are people saying?
16:40Well, they're very happy with your work on Northern Ireland,
16:43strong approval on your health service reforms,
16:46they'd like to see you in shorts.
16:49Shorts?
16:50Yeah, Prime Minister, just a pair of cycling shorts or something.
16:53Oh.
16:54They like the fact that you're assuming a tough stance on crime
16:57and they like it when your hair's a bit wet
16:59because you look kind of soppy, Prime Minister.
17:02They'd like to see you wrestle a man.
17:05Sorry?
17:06A Bosnian, good, education could do better,
17:09wrestling men I've covered.
17:11Can I have a look at them?
17:12Yeah, just right here.
17:15Rail track.
17:16Oh, you've got an eyelash. Stay still, stay still.
17:20Make a wish.
17:24Darling, there's your soup for the Treasury dinner.
17:26Now, we're running very late, so you'll have to get changed here.
17:29Oh, thank you, darling, yes.
17:30Have you seen my earrings?
17:31I don't know, darling, which ones?
17:33Oh, you do know Sebastian, don't you?
17:35Oh, hello, Sebastian.
17:36Hi.
17:37How are you?
17:38Fine.
17:39Sorry, we're having a meeting here.
17:41Have you tried the bathroom?
17:42Of course. Now, don't be long.
17:46See you later, darling.
17:47I'm not going.
17:49I'm talking to my wife.
17:50Bye, Sebastian.
17:52Whatever.
17:54So, anyway, um...
17:56Oh, God, I've completely forgotten what I was going to say!
18:00Thanks for coming in, and I really should get changed now.
18:02Yeah, yes, of course, of course.
18:05And you'll have a word with the Foreign Secretary about Tuesday?
18:07Yeah, I'll get straight on to it, Prime Minister.
18:09OK.
18:11Thank you.
18:17Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend by first thing on Monday,
18:21because it's quite...big?
18:25Yes, Sebastian, now, if you don't mind, um...
18:27But quick, Prime Minister, get down!
18:31I thought there was a sniper, Prime Minister.
18:33Where?
18:34By the window, but there isn't.
18:37Sorry.
18:40Can we get up now?
18:42Give it a minute.
18:46Darling, isn't it time you got rid of Sebastian?
18:51It's late noon in Britain's capital city.
18:57And theatrical agent Jeremy Rent receives a visit from one of his clients.
19:01Dennis Waterman's arrived.
19:02Excellent news. Send him in.
19:07Hello.
19:09Dennis! Lovely to see you, dear heart.
19:11Come in, do take a seat.
19:19How does this work?
19:20Comedy, drama, Granada, June, July, maybe August, depends.
19:24It's a lead.
19:25You play John, escape convict.
19:27He's on the run, he wins the lottery.
19:29It's called Lucky Runnings.
19:31Miriam Margulies.
19:32The fat one?
19:33Yes.
19:34The locker?
19:35Pete Davison.
19:36Off to telly?
19:37That's right.
19:39Les Grantham, room addict, Dave Yip.
19:41It's a nice one, Den. The scripts are good.
19:44Oh, they're heavy.
19:46And the money's great.
19:48Oh, that's nice.
19:49So they want me to star in it?
19:51Write the theme tune, sing the theme tune?
19:53No, I think they just want you to be in it this time.
19:56Oh, so someone else is writing it, but I'll sing it?
19:59No, they seem to have got that one all sorted out.
20:02Now, why don't I give them a read?
20:05And then we can let them know that you've had the...
20:09Are you all right, Dennis?
20:11I'm not doing it.
20:13You're not?
20:14I don't want to. It's rubbish.
20:16The scripts are stupid.
20:19Well, you haven't even read them yet.
20:22Dennis?
20:24I'm an escape convict on the run.
20:29I've won the lottery and I'm having fun.
20:33I'm running much too fast.
20:35Can't escape from the past.
20:37I'll be so good for Lucky Runnings.
20:41Dennis, this insistence of yours
20:43and always writing and singing the theme tune
20:45really isn't doing you any favours.
20:47Oh, so you're saying I should give up the acting
20:49and concentrate on the singing?
20:50No! Dennis, you could have been in the new Indiana Jones film.
20:53They wanted you to play his brother.
20:55You know where that part went to, don't you? Rafe Fiennes.
20:57Oh, he's no singer.
20:59Excuse me.
21:00Hello?
21:01It's the Indiana Jones people.
21:03Really? Rafe Fiennes has been decapitated in a stunt.
21:06Yes, Dennis is still available.
21:08Oh, let me speak to them.
21:10In fact, he's right here. I'll just pass you over.
21:14What?
21:16Yes, I'm fine.
21:18I am Indiana Jones's brother.
21:21Hello?
21:23Working-class people in Britain
21:25are stored in buildings like these.
21:27Like these.
21:45Is that you, Gary?
21:46Yeah, I just brought a mate round.
21:48This is Jason, this is my sister Julie.
21:50Hello.
21:51All right, this is my mum.
21:52Hello.
21:53How do you do?
21:54And this is my nan.
21:55Hello.
22:02Oh, put the kettle on, shall I?
22:07So, nan, you smell nice. What is it?
22:13Marie Mintz.
22:15Haven't seen you around. Where do you normally hang out?
22:18The day centre.
22:20Must check it out.
22:21Anyone ever told you you've got beautiful teeth?
22:25They're not mine.
22:27Maureen?
22:28Yes, mum?
22:29Will you take me to the loo?
22:30Oh, I'm just making the tea, mum.
22:33Julie, be a good girl, take your nan to the toilet.
22:36It's OK, I'll do it.
22:39Here you get.
22:45Oh, sorry, I thought that was your elbow.
22:48Yes, I've just found some stress knots here on the perineum,
22:51which I'm going to work on.
22:53And, er, I tell you what, why don't you have a little nap?
22:57You have a little daze and I'll sing you a lullaby as you drift off.
23:01Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep.
23:09Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep.
23:17Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep.
23:27Jonathan, are you asleep?
23:32Meanwhile, in the small Welsh mining village of Llanddewi Breffi
23:35lies this charming little pub.
23:38With its original slate roof and delightful period features,
23:41it truly is a joy to behold.
23:44Ah, look at that. It really is a beauty.
23:47It's what Britain's all about.
23:53Can I have another Bacardi and Coke, please, my vanui?
23:56Coming right up.
23:57Bloody hell, my vanui, I'm so down.
23:59Oh, why is that, darling?
24:01Don't you know I'm the only gay in this village?
24:03Oh, I just dream of the day I can meet other gays
24:05who know what it's like to be a gay.
24:08I was going to tell you, I was talking to Old Marevent
24:11and she told me that she's taken in a lodger from Cardiff
24:14and guess what? He is a gay.
24:16I don't think so.
24:18No, apparently he is.
24:20I told Old Marevent to send him over here tonight
24:22so you could meet him.
24:23Well, I'd be very surprised if he really is a gay, my vanui.
24:25Everybody knows I am the only gay in this village.
24:29This must be it.
24:32Hiya, can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please?
24:34Wouldn't a famine a drink?
24:36Oh, you must be Daphne.
24:38There you are.
24:41I'll leave you boys to it.
24:43As I was just saying to my vanui, it's such a shame
24:45I am the only gay in this village.
24:47Oh, I'm a gay.
24:48I don't think so.
24:50No, I bloody am, you know.
24:51Old Marevent said I should come and speak to you
24:53because you're the only gay in this village.
24:55Well, now you're not. Now there's two of us.
24:57All right, if you're a gay,
24:59who played Dorothy in the film The Wizard of Oz?
25:01Judy Garland.
25:02How did you know that?
25:03It's easy, everyone knows her.
25:05All right, then, let's sort out the gays from the not-gays.
25:09Who is the gay character and are you being served?
25:11Mr Humphreys.
25:14Yes!
25:15Well, that's very subtle, then.
25:17I always thought it was Captain Peacock.
25:19He's the one with the moustache.
25:22Well, I seem to have passed your gay test,
25:24so I must be gay.
25:25No, you are not a gay. I am the gay.
25:27You're probably just a little bit poofy.
25:29I am a gay. I've had sex with men and everything.
25:31That's more than you, Van Daphne.
25:33Shut up, my vanui.
25:34I am the only gay man in this village, and that's that.
25:37Well, maybe I should go.
25:39Yes, maybe you should.
25:40We've already got one gay in Tlandewi Brefi.
25:42We don't need another one.
25:44Well, goodbye, then.
25:48David Thomas, you stupid man.
25:50You could have had a bit of cock there.
25:54I am the only gay man in this village, you full of shit, you.
25:58That's exactly the kind of homophobic attitude
26:00I've come to expect in this village.
26:02Good day.
26:07Good day.
26:15Anne, we're going to need another box.