Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:30Have you figured a way to get us out of here yet, Holm?
00:54I have, actually, Dave.
00:56I've devoted all my run time to looking for a loophole in the prison regs.
01:00And I think I've come up with something which means you can serve your entire two-year sentence in just 14 weeks.
01:06Oh, brilliant. What have I got to do?
01:08Become a dog.
01:15A dog?
01:16According to my data banks, dog years are seven times shorter than human years.
01:22As a plan, you can't fault it on its mathematics.
01:25No, but maybe you can fault it on the fact that I'm not a dog.
01:29Yeah, but according to a 20th century newspaper called the National Enquirer,
01:33the operation's quite straightforward.
01:38A roverostomy, they call it.
01:42There's a photograph here of a bloke who had it done.
01:49That's a dog!
01:50See how convincing it is?
01:53Even you're fooled.
01:55Become a dog?
01:56That is without doubt the stupidest, crappiest, most pathetic plan you've come up with all week.
02:01Give me a chance. It's only Monday.
02:11What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends?
02:15I had everything and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy.
02:18What are you on about? You had none of that stuff.
02:20You're right, I had none of that stuff.
02:23I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away.
02:26It's an even bigger tragedy.
02:29We've only got to get through this by being positive, by being...
02:32What's that word women tennis players always used to reckon was so important?
02:36It begins with C.
02:37Colourlingous?
02:42Centred. By being centred, focused.
02:46It's only two years. With good behaviour it'll probably be 18 months.
02:50Remember when you were first born and then you were 18 months?
02:52The time just flashed past.
02:58It flashed past cos you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night.
03:07Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.
03:10What?
03:15What's this?
03:16Canary outfits and first meeting information.
03:22I volunteered for the Canaries.
03:24Some bloke came round the machine shop so I signed up.
03:27The Canaries?
03:28Yeah, you know, got a close part harmony.
03:30You should see the list of privileges you get. Unbelievable.
03:33You don't know what the Canaries are, do you?
03:36Of course I do, a singing troupe, a cappella.
03:38You are the sunshine of my life.
03:43That's why I'll always be your...
03:52They're nothing to do with singing, are they?
03:54Polly lied to me, didn't he?
03:56Oh, he was taking the smeg.
03:59Oh, listy.
04:03Listy, listy, listy.
04:06Well, go on then.
04:07What have I signed up for?
04:09In the 19th century, when miners went down a pit,
04:12they'd lower a canary down first in a little cage.
04:15What, and make them do some mining?
04:19They were sick in the 19th century, weren't they, eh?
04:22I mean, how much coal can a little canary get?
04:25And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it frequently was,
04:28guess what the canary did?
04:29Complain to the foreman.
04:33It died, listy.
04:35The canary's job was to go into the most dangerous,
04:38unpleasant and smeggy situations
04:41and see if it could stay alive.
04:44Then they'd know if it was safe to send in the important people.
04:47Oh, I'm going to kill him.
04:49How come you've never heard of the canaries?
04:51They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs.
04:54How come you've not seen them?
04:56When I'm in the men's toilets in prison room,
04:58I tend not to look around, do you know what I'm saying?
05:01It's like playing golf.
05:03I concentrate on me grip, keep me eye on the ball,
05:05I'm trying not to veer off to the side.
05:10The canaries.
05:12You know what they say it's supposed to stand for?
05:14Convict Army Nearly All Retarded Inbred Evil Sheepshaggers.
05:22They haven't got an X chromosome to share between them.
05:25Smeg.
05:27It gets worse as well.
05:29Worse? Go on, I've signed you up to.
05:34APPLAUSE
05:38I've forged your signature.
05:40I thought I was doing you a favour.
05:43Me? Why? I've signed us all up.
05:46Crike and Chris, everyone.
05:48No way, no way, no way am I becoming a canary.
05:54It's a great honour for Floor 13,
05:56for today we are visited by Captain Hollister,
06:00who has a special assignment.
06:02Action!
06:04I'll be going mental.
06:05Hollister, cooped up, not killing nothing.
06:08Yes!
06:10Kill crazy Sherlock, you punk.
06:13OK, listen up.
06:15We've located a ship, the SSS Silverberg,
06:17buried at the bottom of an ocean moon.
06:20A remote probe has come back with no signs of a crew,
06:23no bodily remains, no skeletons.
06:26Zip.
06:27We want you guys to go on board and find out why.
06:33One, a-two, a-one, two, three, four.
06:36You are the sunshine.
06:40Ooh, that's why I always...
06:47Sorry, sir, we appear to have wandered on the wrong hobby route.
06:50We'll leave immediately. Go!
06:52You're here, and this is where you'll stay.
06:55Now get on with it.
06:56Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
06:58You heard what the warden said? He wants us to get on with it.
07:02You are the sunshine.
07:09Sorry, sir, we need to get on with it.
07:11Shut up!
07:12You're a canary man,
07:13a member of the toughest convict army this side of Pluto.
07:16I've seen custard factories that aren't as yellow as you are.
07:20Start behaving like a man.
07:22A man, sir. Yes, of course, sir, a man.
07:27A man.
07:28Perhaps if you could just remind me, sir,
07:30I'm sure it will all come back.
07:40Continue, Captain.
07:47It's inconceivable a ship like this could be sent out without a crew,
07:51so whatever devoured the crew, bones and all,
07:54might still be there, so be careful.
07:58Let's go kill something!
08:00Yeah!
08:15I hope it's got, like, big teeth and claws and loads of heads.
08:18Yeah, great!
08:28Yeah!
08:38Here we go. And look!
08:40Yeah!
08:43APPLAUSE
08:56OK, stay together. Keep them peeled.
08:59What's that?
09:00What? Where?
09:01It's moving, shaking from side to side like a leaf.
09:04I think that's your shadow, sir.
09:07Locate the mainframe. Maybe it can tell us something.
09:13Good evening, Arnold.
09:15I've been looking forward to your arrival so very much.
09:19How do you know my name?
09:20My name is Cassandra.
09:22I am a computer with the ability to predict the future
09:26with an accuracy rating of 100%.
09:29Bless you.
09:30Bless you? What do you mean, bless you?
09:34You need a tissue. Chris has one in her left-hand pocket.
09:37She says, would you like this? You say, thanks.
09:40Would you like this? Thanks.
09:43Extraordinary. Extraordinary?
09:46The questions we can ask, it can tell us our future.
09:49The questions we can ask? It can tell us our future?
09:52But how does it work? The future's not happened yet.
09:56I'm not going to say that.
09:58I never said you would.
10:00But how does it work? The future's not happened yet.
10:03Although you do.
10:04It's Meg.
10:07Let's ask her a question about the future. A biggie.
10:11OK, Cassandra, do we ever get back to Earth?
10:14Has the human race survived?
10:16Do I ever find my singing tap in?
10:20Do we want to know all this stuff about the future?
10:23Do we want to know, for example, how and when we die?
10:26Chris is right. Something like that could mess your life up forever.
10:30Cassandra, I have a question.
10:32I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.
10:35So what's the answer?
10:37He chokes to death, aged 181, trying to remove a bra with his teeth.
10:44What was the question?
10:46I just asked how you died.
10:49You what? I didn't want to know that.
10:52Whose bra? 181? Probably your own.
10:57Come on, taking a bra off with me teeth aged 181.
11:00That's a hell of a sexy way to go.
11:03So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.
11:08I'm really screwed up now.
11:10Who wants to know that? Know how I die?
11:13It's completely spoilt the surprise.
11:16Brighton, this is where you share your theory with your crewmates.
11:20I have a theory, everyone.
11:22The ship was sent here by the space car on autopilot to get rid of you,
11:26to abandon you at the bottom of a lunar sea in the depths of deep space.
11:30That's brilliant, Bob. How'd you work that out?
11:33I read it on this mission directive here.
11:41So, there was no dead bodies on board,
11:44because the ship didn't have a crew?
11:46No.
11:48There was no dead bodies on board, because the ship didn't have a crew.
11:52A computer that unerringly predicts the future.
11:54Is a dangerous thing indeed.
11:56Is a dangerous... Yes, precisely.
12:00We, um, should be making tracks.
12:03I'm afraid that's not going to happen.
12:05The bulkhead's just given away,
12:07and we're shipping water at 1,000 gallons a second.
12:10All the canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer.
12:14Yes!
12:16Who will be dead in 20 minutes.
12:24Only Lister, Crichton, the Cat and Kachansky survive.
12:28What happens to Rimmer?
12:30He has a heart attack,
12:32brought on by the stress of knowing he's going to die,
12:34and collapses...
12:36collapses during a conversation with me in 19 minutes and 31 seconds.
12:41I don't believe you. I simply don't believe you.
12:44We shall see. Or rather, you shall see.
12:47I have already seen.
12:50All the hairs on the back of my neck are standing on end.
12:53Mine too. Not just the ones on the back of my neck.
12:55It's one up, all up.
13:01Well...
13:03It's not the first time we've been in a situation like this, is it?
13:06Hell no. We've drunk coffee thousands of times.
13:10We're veterans.
13:13Future echoes, remember? Future echoes.
13:16Oh, right. What was that?
13:18Well, we learned that if the future's already decided,
13:21you can't change it.
13:24Yeah, but what do you know?
13:26You're a chicken-soup-machine repairman,
13:28not Hank Hansen, space adventurer.
13:31Don't get ideas above your station.
13:33And your station is Git Central.
13:37Hey, I've been surviving in space five, six years.
13:40When it comes to weirdy, paradoxy space stuff,
13:43I bought the T-shirt.
13:45He bought it and I ironed it for him.
13:49Exactly.
13:51So, you're saying the future's the future,
13:53and like your underpants, the chances of change are remote.
13:58Well, I'm sorry, I don't accept it.
14:00Hey, I'm not happy about it, man.
14:03None of us are.
14:05You dying is the last thing we want, bud, especially me.
14:08Hell, I'll probably have to help dig the hole.
14:13Right. So, to summarise,
14:15six years of space adventuring,
14:17six years of experience and knowledge
14:19have led you to the conclusion that I'm totally stuffed.
14:22Mr Rimmer has a point, sir.
14:24Your greater knowledge is making you pessimistic,
14:26while his ignorance and almost dough-like naivety
14:29is keeping his mind receptive to a possible solution.
14:32Shit your stupid fly hat, you.
14:35So, you're saying when you don't know enough,
14:38to know that you don't know enough,
14:40there's no fear holding you back.
14:42You can achieve things which people with more brains can't.
14:45Precisely.
14:47He's got the power of ignorance.
14:49And with the ignorance he's got,
14:50that makes him one of the most powerful men that's ever lived.
14:54Harness your stupidity, sir.
14:56Employ your witlessness.
14:58Use your empty-headed, simplistic moron mind
15:01and find a solution.
15:03OK. I've got an idea.
15:06Right. Replay our meeting with Cassandra in your CPU
15:10and tell me if at any point anyone ever called me Rimmer.
15:13What?
15:17At no point throughout the meeting did anyone refer to you as Rimmer.
15:20In fact, we barely looked at you.
15:23That's just what I thought.
15:25Cassandra said, Rimmer dies,
15:27but it doesn't necessarily follow that that means me.
15:29Who does it mean, then? Your dad?
15:31Look, Cassandra doesn't know the future.
15:33She sees pictures of it.
15:34She could have seen some other guy die of a heart attack.
15:37Someone she's been told is called Rimmer.
15:39He's right.
15:40All I've got to do is find someone I can introduce to Cassandra...
15:44as Rimmer.
15:46And it'll be them that stiffs out and not me.
15:49Such low-life conniving.
15:51It's impossible not to be impressed.
15:54What I wouldn't give to have your weasel genes, sir.
16:02Now, wait a minute.
16:04Oh, look, here's Mr Knott.
16:07You made this area secure?
16:09Yes, sir, Mr Knott, sir. Coffee, sir?
16:13I've been asked by the captain to inspect the mainframe.
16:16Where is it?
16:17Oi! You idiot!
16:19What the hell do you think you're doing?
16:22Please, have my jacket, I insist.
16:27Then I shall lead you to Cassandra.
16:29There we are, sir.
16:30A perfect fit, sir.
16:33Lead the way, Rimmer.
16:35Don't call me Rimmer.
16:36That's your name?
16:37Yes, but Rimmer, it's so full of nobility and quiet courage.
16:40Call me Arsewipe or Fishbreath.
16:44But not Rimmer, sir. Never Rimmer, sir.
16:46OK, Arsewipe, whatever you say.
16:48Now, where's the mainframe?
16:53Hello, Arnold. Bang on time.
16:56I've brought you a visitor, Cassandra. Do you know his name?
16:59Yes, I do.
17:00Knott?
17:01What?
17:02Knott?
17:03Knott?
17:04Let me finish. Not that it matters what his name is.
17:06I mean, our relationship doesn't last very long.
17:09I understand you have the ability to predict...
17:11The future, yes, I do.
17:13100% reliable?
17:14Yes.
17:17What happens to me? Do I get back to Earth?
17:19No, you die in about four seconds' time of a heart attack
17:22after hearing the news that you're going to die of a heart attack.
17:26You filthy...
17:27Filthy...
17:33Poor Rimmer.
17:34Yes, poor old Rimmer.
17:36My name is Knott.
17:38Your name is Knott what?
17:39Knott. Knott. Knott.
17:44Is he dead now?
17:45I'm afraid so.
17:47Yes!
17:49He died of a massive coronary, just as I prophesied.
17:53Yes!
17:54You seem inordinately happy, Arnold, but why?
17:57You're going to die too.
18:00But you said I just...
18:02I'm going to die too?
18:03I already told you, Rimmer dies of a heart attack
18:06and then you and all the other canaries die too.
18:09All except Lister, Crichton, Kachansky and the cat.
18:12I've seen it.
18:14That's as well as may be, but have you seen this?
18:17No.
18:23Yes, I'm afraid I have.
18:29You were right, there's nothing I can do.
18:31According to Cassandra, our future is decided and we four survive.
18:36Therefore, while we're here, we cannot die.
18:39Regard.
18:44Duck, sir.
18:48Duck again, sir.
18:50As I thought.
18:53So, in other words, if I...
18:59What's that for?
19:00You can't die.
19:01Yeah, but I still feel pain, you smegger.
19:06So how about this?
19:07We use our powers of invulnerability,
19:09which will last until we return to Red Dwarf,
19:11and surround Mr. Rimmer,
19:13escort him up to the Ops Deck and into the Diving Bell.
19:43The Diving Bell! We've made it!
19:55Yo!
20:09Hear that?
20:10Water!
20:13Chris, take cover, the water's coming!
20:15Quick, the Diving Bell!
20:32Great.
20:33Everything above us is flooded,
20:35and now we're back down in the bowels again.
20:37Cassandra.
20:39It's coming true.
20:41My death, it's all coming true.
20:52You tried to cheat the future and failed, as I knew you would.
20:56So what happens now?
20:58How...
20:59How do I die?
21:01Lister catches you making love to Kachansky
21:03and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun.
21:11Can you just double-check that?
21:14I've seen it, it's what happens in the old laundry room.
21:18So let me just repeat what I think you're saying.
21:21Arnold, that's me,
21:23and Kachansky, that's the woman,
21:26the really attractive one you saw earlier,
21:29me and her, we're in bed, giving it riz,
21:32when Lister, that's the short, dumpy one with the stupid haircut,
21:36when Lister, that's the short, dumpy one with the stupid haircut,
21:39walks in and shoots me through the head
21:41while I'm making love with Kachansky.
21:43That is what is going to happen.
21:45Fantastic!
21:59I can't believe what you're telling me.
22:01I can scarcely believe it myself.
22:04I mean, obviously you're incredibly attractive.
22:06I never thought you'd look at me twice.
22:08Neither did I.
22:11But apparently we're going to make love.
22:13Unbesmegging leaveable or what?
22:17It's not warm in here, fancy a wee nip?
22:20No, no, no.
22:22But why would I want to sleep with you?
22:26I mean, it doesn't make sense.
22:28Maybe you get blind drunk.
22:30Well, it doesn't excuse my other four senses.
22:33Right, barely an hour to go, should we get started?
22:37I mean, let's face it, you can't change the future, sadly.
22:42But you said you could.
22:45Yeah, I've changed my mind now.
22:48Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to play the opera game instead?
22:51Chris, it's what Cassandra saw, you can't cheat fate.
22:54Well, just watch me.
22:56Because there is no way on earth I'm climbing out of my clothes
22:59and clambering into that bed.
23:14My clothes are soaking!
23:16Why don't you take them off and dry them in the water?
23:30It's coming true. It's all coming true.
23:33It's coming true. It's all coming true.
23:51Fudge, you can't go back there.
23:53Cassandra said Chris survives.
23:55Fudge, you can't go back there.
23:57Cassandra said Chris survives.
23:59Now, the only way that's going to happen
24:01is if someone goes back in and saves her.
24:04Check us that harpoon gun, will you?
24:21I'm not sure about this.
24:23This is the first time I've ever been seduced by predeterminism theory.
24:28One hour exactly.
24:32Oh, bloody buggering hell!
24:36Tonight must be the night they put the clocks forward.
24:41I've got it.
24:42That's more than I did.
24:45I've worked it all out.
24:47I never get any breaks, ever.
24:5020 seconds later, you could have been on top
24:52and I could have used you as a human shield.
24:55I must have been mad. What the hell was I thinking?
24:58I felt sorry for you.
25:00Look, will you shut up and listen to me?
25:02Why aren't you mad that I'm in bed with him?
25:04Because I know why you're in bed with him.
25:06And I also know that I don't kill him.
25:08Oh, but Cassandra promised.
25:12Cassandra made that up to force you two together
25:15so that you'd feel sorry for him
25:17and hopefully end up sleeping with him.
25:19So why did she say she saw it happen?
25:21To try and make it happen.
25:22But why?
25:23To try and punish me.
25:25Punish you? Why?
25:26Because Cassandra knows and has always known how she dies.
25:30She's trying to make me suffer now
25:32for something that I'm destined to do in the future.
25:35You kill her, don't you?
25:36That's why she hates you, because she knows you're going to kill her.
25:39That's what this whole thing was about.
25:41Crichton figured it out.
25:43Crichton figured it out, did he? Good old Crichton.
25:47But did he really have to figure it out quite so damn fast?
25:52Would it have killed him to take 30 minutes longer?
25:55Ten minutes, even?
25:57Two would have done.
26:00I'm going to take care of the rest of it now.
26:02I'll, um, see you two lovebirds later.
26:07Look, thanks for being with me tonight.
26:11I can't think of anyone I'd rather share my final hour with than you.
26:15And I really mean that.
26:18I'm not all bad.
26:20In fact, sometimes I'm quite sweet and sensitive.
26:24Bye.
26:25By the way, is it OK if I keep these?
26:36If the future's all worked out, horoscopes, all that stuff,
26:40it means we're not responsible for anything we do.
26:43It means we're just actors saying lines in a script
26:45that's been written by somebody else.
26:47I don't want to believe that.
26:49I want to believe I'm in charge of my own life, my own destiny.
26:54So I'm not going to kill you, Cassandra.
26:56I'm out of here.
26:58But you do kill me. I've seen it.
27:01Tomorrow's a new day.
27:03A fresh page in a book that's not been written yet.
27:06What happens in the future is up to me,
27:09not some predetermined destiny smeg.
27:11I'll see you, kiddo.
27:41Smeg.
28:11Life's shipwrecks you call a toast
28:14King's bread, mango juice
28:17Goat meat strews dribbling down my toes
28:20Fun, fun, fun
28:23It's the fun, fun, fun
28:27Fun, fun, fun
28:30It's the fun, fun, fun
28:41Fun, fun, fun